Some effective tips on how to experience an orgasm. Psychologist Grazhina Cheslavovna Pavlovskaya answers the question

Remember how in your childhood you learned to play some new game. Whatever it was, you had the feeling that there was no way to master it, and you looked with envy at your more successful peers, demonstrating their successes with the air of winners. Their triumph resonated with dull pain in your heart, making you painfully experience every mistake you made.

Gradually, a lack of understanding of the rules of the game or lack of proper skill led you to lose all interest in the game. Essentially, you began to consciously avoid situations where such a game could arise. At such moments, you said that it was time for you to go home, or came up with any other reason, just to find an excuse for leaving.

But one day you are tired of feeling like an outcast. You are tired of feeling inferior and countless disappointments and decided to change things. Having caught fire with this idea, you decided to figure it out on your own. They took out chips or dice and tried to get hold of all the information on how to play the ill-fated game. You mastered the rules over and over again. In complete solitude, we practiced the game for hours, thinking for a long time about each move. At first nothing worked. You quit the game and picked it up again. You showed great patience, and then one day “everything worked out just right! From that moment on, you could play the game equally with everyone else. Compared to mastering the rules of a new game, the ability to experience orgasm is acquired in a similar way. Your body is a device designed to achieve orgasm I am a person providing the necessary information. All that is required of you is to master this information and, based on its practical application, achieve a certain level of mastery. Be patient - and everything will work out!

Orgasm simulation

Sometimes a woman feigns the onset of orgasm in order, firstly, to please a man and, secondly, to avoid his idea of ​​her as a hopelessly frigid “Snow Maiden” who is not awakened to love.

This does not happen very often, but since we are talking about this topic, you should know that such simulation can prevent the onset of a natural orgasm. This occurs as a result of the fact that faking an orgasm does not allow your most important sexual organ - the brain - to function in concentration mode on the sensations you experience in a moment of intimacy. Simulation requires that your thoughts be occupied with what your partner is doing, because only in this case will you be able to pretend in time and play your role. But it is precisely this circumstance that distracts from fulfilling the most important condition necessary to achieve orgasm - concentrating on the sensations experienced.

Mysterious area "K"

To achieve orgasm, you do not need to look for any specific area of ​​your genitals, the impact of which would cause you the most intense sensations. This area is located in a woman’s brain and is responsible for concentration. It is this mysterious area of ​​the brain - let's call it "Area K" - that is responsible for both your ability to concentrate and the subsequent onset of orgasm.

If the genitals were not connected to the brain, you would not experience any pleasure from intimacy, no matter how easily excitable your body. Our brain is the main “pleasure center” responsible for the pleasure you experience. The brain is able to compensate for the inept actions of your lover. I'm not trying to make you want to turn a blind eye to your partner's inability to give you the highest level of pleasure, but I am saying that the ability to focus on what is happening can work wonders and reward your efforts with one of the greatest miracles - an orgasm.

Concentration exercise

This exercise will help you learn to focus on the reaction of each part of the body and develop your ability to perceive the emerging sensations without making any judgment about them. Study the rules below, then set aside the text and follow the recommendations.

Close your eyes. Place your hands on your knees and sit still. Focus your attention in the center of your brain. Imagine there is a candle here. Mentally light it up. Force yourself to see the flame burning brighter and brighter. Remove the candle, but leave the flame still burning brightly in the center of your brain. Be able to distinguish the shades of the colors of the flame, moving from soft blue in the lower part to bright orange in the upper part. Feel how the heat of the flame fills your head with pleasant warmth. Feel the heat of the flame on your face. Collect the heat of the flame again at the burning point. Feel the coolness on your face.

Now the flame begins to slowly descend, warming the throat and shoulders. Feel its warmth spreading, bringing with it deep calm. Collect the heat of the flame at the burning point and feel how a pleasant coolness envelops your throat and shoulders.

Continuing to descend, the flame reaches chest level. It's getting hotter and hotter. Feel how its warmth penetrates your entire chest, saturating your nipples. Listen to how your nipples swell and begin to radiate heat. Collect the heat of the flame at the burning point and let it fall even lower - deep into the stomach, to the level of the hips.

Watch the flame. It begins to flare up even brighter, becoming crimson-red, ruby, golden-orange. Its warmth fills every cell of the abdomen, thighs, accumulates and pulsates in the vagina. Feel how you become hotter and calmer. Collect the heat at the burning point and feel how it is replaced by a pleasant coolness.

Notice how the flame begins to slowly move in the opposite direction, rising to the upper abdomen, chest, shoulders, throat, and stops in the center of your brain.

Place a candle under the flame and extinguish it.

Don't give up on this exercise if everything doesn't work out right away.

When we act aimlessly and only react to what happens every day, we drive ourselves into limits. Our character softens, we gradually lose the ability to set tasks for ourselves in accordance with our plans, and only the strength remains to react.

We move in the flow, we are influenced by the desires and goals of other people. Only years later does understanding come to us - we finally wake up and realize that we wasted our time pointlessly. Deep feelings and suffering arise, but it may already be too late to change anything. All this can be avoided if you stop living under pressure and take control of your life.

Control your thoughts

Life unfolds here and now. But often we let the present slip away from us, and we waste precious moments worrying about the future and remembering the past. At work we dream about a vacation, and on vacation we worry about the number of papers waiting for us at work. To live the way you want, you need to learn to live every moment.

Be attentive to the present and to your thoughts. Try to observe them, but not give in to their flow. Control your thoughts. You will notice how you begin to use time more consciously, you will stop. You will have more time and energy for important things.

Learn to enjoy the beautiful view, and don’t think about how long it will take you to drive home, eat cookies without thinking that they will add extra pounds to you. Allow yourself to simply enjoy the moment and don't feel unjustifiably afraid.

To do something well, stop thinking about it

It often seems to us that others evaluate us every minute. For example, in a dance lesson you cannot relax because you know that you don’t know how to dance and you look funny in the eyes of others. Fear of judgment prevents people from trying new things. But every person is too busy with themselves to constantly celebrate your failures.

If something really scares you—speaking in public, having to talk on the phone to a stranger, or going to the gym for the first time—don't focus on it. This will only increase your fear.

Try to focus less on yourself. Pay more attention to what is happening around you. Recognize yourself as part of what is happening, and not the only actor. This will help you cope with emotions and react correctly to the environment. This way you can work on your weaknesses.

To get the most out of time, lose track of it.

When you are absorbed in an interesting activity, you stop following. This happens when we enjoy what we do. We also don’t count time when we sleep. But you can’t just throw yourself into an activity without wanting to, so it’s important to create optimal conditions for such activities.

Choose an interesting goal that will teach you something new. It shouldn't be so hard that you feel stressed while moving towards it, and it shouldn't be so easy that you feel bored in the process.

Set your priorities

One of the problems that prevents us from achieving our goals is the difficulties we think about. We often think we have to do something when we don't. Think about whether you do something without desire, without seeing the point in it, just out of habit.

Is this really necessary or useful? To find out what is important in your life, use - 20% of your actions bring 80% of the results. Find out what exactly that 20% includes and pay more attention to it, and take a fresh look at the remaining 80%. Try to invest less time and effort into them, making room for something useful.

Make a plan so that nothing distracts you. Write down all your affairs in detail. This way you will no longer have to be distracted while working and remember what else needs to be done. You can use the simplest planning. The main thing is that it is sufficiently detailed.

If something is bothering you, don't run from it.

We all experience negative emotions - the pain of separation, the disappointment of a failed school project, the fear of public speaking. It's quite normal.

However, the problem may lie in the fact that we begin to experience secondary emotions. For example, when we are angry about our fear of performing, afraid of the pain of separation, nervous at the thought of having to do a new project. So we only experience unpleasant feelings longer. The way out of this is accepting your feelings.

There is no need to try to change what happened. Just move on with your life without pushing away your emotions or judging yourself for them. Negative experiences allow us to grow if we are not afraid to analyze them.

Do you feel like you're getting jealous whenever your boyfriend talks to other girls? Are you afraid that you are stifling your own relationships with your fears? To stop being an overly jealous girl and become the girl of your dreams, follow these instructions.

Steps

Part 1

Learn to accept yourself for who you are. Much of jealousy comes from feeling insecure about the idea that someone can make your partner happier or is able to give them more. Be mindful of what your partner has chosen you, and not someone else. Stop constantly worrying about your weight, height, appearance; your constant negativity drains both you and your partner. Moreover, when people are confronted with excessive feelings of insecurity, they are put off by it, and you find yourself under the influence of a self-fulfilling prophecy that drags you deeper into the abyss of disrespect and self-neglect. Your partner is with you and has reasons to find you attractive, but even if they don't, you should never let the opinions of other people determine how you feel about yourself.

• Read about how to become confident - it will help you become a more balanced and confident person.

1. Deal with your old emotional wounds. Most people have them, and many of us allow past hurts to seep into new relationships—unconsciously acting out the dynamics of the previous relationship or viewing our wonderful new partner through a lens of skepticism and bias. If necessary, figure out how to deal with emotional pain so you can feel better and see your current relationship for what it is.

   Find out what it means to have a healthy relationship. Whether you're new to the business or a veteran, it's not always easy to understand what supposed under a happy relationship, and what feelings they should evoke. Many of us grow up without good relationship examples from friends, family, or even our parents. What's worse, one terrible relationship can completely throw you off balance and rob you of your self-confidence, leaving you doubting yourself for years to come. To learn more, read about how to have a healthy relationship.

   How to reduce feelings of jealousy and start over

   1. Give your partner more freedom. If you follow him around, accuse him, stalk him on social media, or otherwise show desperation, your first priority is to back off. Take a few deep breaths, leave him alone, and try not to do anything challenging for a while. Find opportunities to spend time with friends, go to interesting events, and reduce the frequency of your meetings with your boyfriend for at least one date. Be careful that your behavior does not look (or feel) like revenge; your goal isn't to punish him, give him a cold shower, or manipulate him into begging for your forgiveness—your goal is to give you both a chance to breathe, let off some steam, evaluate what's happening, and hopefully save the relationship.

      • If you need more advice, read about how to give your boyfriend more freedom.

   2. Breathe new life into your relationship. Before you do any inner work with yourself or with your partner, you need to take control of the possible further disruption of your tense relationship. Start by striking a healthy balance between giving your partner freedom and increasing the quality of your time together. Pursue your hobbies, and let it enrich you and fill your life with meaning - after all, part of the attractiveness of another person for us is born from his mystery and some secrecy; If you spend all your time checking your boyfriend's calls, messages, emails and social media posts, then you are unlikely to be able to maintain suspense in what you were doing. Divide your time evenly between your boyfriend and your friends, and let him do the same. Revive your interest in old hobbies, and if necessary, find a new hobby that will make your non-romantic part of your life more meaningful. Then, when you both remember what it's like to miss each other, improve the quality of your time together - go on vacation or have a weekend at home, try something new (like sign up for a dance together), or create the right mood by flirting, trying to maintain romance .

      Build proper communication with each other. This is something you need to work on together; Many relationship problems can be corrected (if not avoided entirely) if a couple can communicate sincerely and effectively with each other. A big part of effective communication is the ability to discuss an unpleasant topic without your partner becoming defensive (or worse, attacking). Try to restrain yourself from blaming: learn to talk about what feel(e.g., “I feel afraid when you stay late and don’t tell me where you are or how soon you’ll be back”), instead of talking about what afraid(“I'm afraid you're cheating on me.”) would sound like a slap in the face. Be honest with your partner, tell him about your thoughts and worries, instead of accumulating them inside yourself - sooner or later your feelings will break out like a bolt from the blue. Read about how to communicate effectively for more detailed guidance.

      Learn to trust. Trust issues can drive you crazy. Ask yourself: who do you really not trust? To your partner, his friends, or to yourself? If you realize that you are still insecure in matters of love, or simply feel threatened by another girl, this will be a good result; both come out of the same problem, which you can work through and take full control of. Read about how to trust your boyfriend again, for both of your sakes.

      • He didn't answer your text message? That's the problem. Obsessing over such things will only cause irritation; If you step back and don't expect an immediate response to your calls, texts, etc., your boyfriend won't get annoyed. Don't call him with an offer to meet if he is still meeting with someone about his own business - take a deep breath and move on. He will answer you when he can.
      • Don't ask your guy to stop going to certain places. Some jealousy comes from the desire to control others; By giving your guy freedom, you will show him your trust and give him more reasons to respect you.
      • There is no need to give the guy absolute carte blanche of trust. If you are genuinely worried about something, Not be afraid to gently bring up the topic. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable when he talks to a particular girl, or be honest with him about behavior that bothers you. Don't go too far and don't stoop to accusations. Just say how you feel - if he respects it, he will try to change the situation.
      • If your boyfriend is not trustworthy himself, then it is his turn to roll up his sleeves and reciprocate with his work all the efforts you have put into your relationship. If he can't or won't do it, leave him and start looking for someone else who is ready for it.

   3. Be an amazing girl. Well, you managed to save your relationship and repair the damage that was done to it. What's next? To become the girl of his dreams that he dreams of coming home to, read about how to be a good girl.

   • When you're not together because of something you're doing, don't be afraid to show him that you miss him. Perhaps he will get used to writing to you at those moments when he himself is busy with something.
   • Instill in yourself the thought: you are not jealous. Repeat this to yourself many times and it will become your self-fulfilling prophecy.
   • You don't have to default to hating all of his girlfriends. Most likely, these are quite nice girls who could also become your friends.

   Warnings

   • Anger is the worst reaction in this situation. Don't try to insult him or the other girl. Keep calm.
   • Don't stalk him to make sure he's not cheating on you (or because of some other suspicion). If he catches you, it will only make the problem worse or even create a new one.
   • Not try to act jealous to punish him. Most likely, he won't even understand what makes you feel these feelings, so this method is useless and will most likely cause harm to your relationship.

Question to a psychologist:

Hello dear specialists, my name is Sergey, I am 22 years old.

I want to know your opinion about my strange behavior, to understand whether I need to do anything now to prevent it from getting worse.

I live an ordinary life, I recently graduated from university. Lately people have been telling me more and more often that I am behaving very strangely. I didn’t pay attention to this before, but now I’m starting to understand that I’m a little different from other people. The fact is that I absolutely cannot experience positive emotions and feelings. To be happy for a person’s success, no, that’s not about me. Previously, all this was directed at people I didn’t know or didn’t know well and seemed funny, but now I started projecting everything onto my “friends.” Namely, I don’t have them, at least I think so, but in general there are people with whom I often communicate. I have a hard time articulating these feelings, so I apologize in advance for the unrelated sentences. For example, an acquaintance tells a story, I listen with tension, if something bad happens in it, it gives me pleasure, that’s what he needs, etc., but if the story ends positively, i.e. an acquaintance has achieved/received/earned something, envy and hatred cover me with such force that I am on the verge of madness. Moreover, I can’t be happy for myself, it’s not visible on the outside, I can be greeted friendly and with a smile, but inside something terrible is happening.

If I had not disguised myself as ordinary people in society, I simply would not have been able to exist. I have to pretend to smile and be interested in order to get any benefit from a person, while secretly hating him. At these moments I feel inferior. I secretly hated one person to such an extent that I imagined luring him into a park and burying him there, after mutilating his body. Then, when he politely approached me with a request, I was really confused. I suddenly felt bad. And then it dawned on me: “In my fantasy I want to finish him off, but in reality we are good friends.” I began to tremble, my vision grew dark, and I began to sweat. Similar situations often happen to other people.

My “friends” try to understand my whims even when I’m openly impudent. I do everything to be persuaded, and they persuade me. They always ask permission if they can take a third person with us for a walk because... I don’t like it when the interlocutor’s attention is not completely directed to me. I come up with new conditions and everything is not enough for me.

Surprisingly, I had "relationships" with girls. It was terrible for them and for me. Let's start with the fact that I don't get acquainted myself, it irritates me wildly and in general I find it a boring activity. As long as I don’t need anything, I’m comfortable alone. The situations with the girls are otherwise similar to those with friends; they got to know me themselves. I decided to try relationships with girls because I wanted to fit in with society, but not because of mutual sympathy. I don't understand why people meet at all. After a certain time, I began to secretly hate each one, and then I left completely, just like that. I get bored with literally everything.

I probably haven’t said much yet, it would have been too long a message, but I described the basic model of behavior as best I could.

Psychologist Grazhina Cheslavovna Pavlovskaya answers the question.

Good day, Sergey!

I will answer your question in consultation mode - because long-term therapy is needed here. You write: “I absolutely cannot experience positive emotions and feelings” - while you have negative feelings: dissatisfaction, anger, envy, irritation, hatred (and I respect you for the fact that you have enough strength to admit). I believe that there is also shame and guilt for my “strange” behavior. It’s great that you are able to “get over” yourself and understand that you have a problem. You know, a person’s progress begins when he UNDERSTANDS that he wants to disfigure someone else, but he doesn’t go and disfigure him... But he turns to a psychologist. And this is about your healthy position, about the resource that exists and which encourages you to go to people for help. This is an important point. It gives grounds for hope for the inner rebirth of the individual.

You write: “I secretly hated one person to such an extent that I imagined luring him into a park and burying him there, after mutilating his body. Then when he politely asked me with a request, I was really confused. I suddenly felt bad ". It turns out that the source of your hatred is that it seems to you that others are “higher and better” than you. A request is a position “from below”, defenseless, so when a person turned to you with his “weak” side, you felt bad. In this phrase of yours, I see dissatisfaction with oneself, anger and aggression towards oneself, with envy of others - because if you feel good when someone else feels bad, this is about compensation. For some reason, it is difficult for you to achieve a state of contentment, and this is what you do not allow others to do. Everyone, ideally, should feel bad. Just like you.

The opinion of society is very important to you. And for this reason you are even ready to enter into relationships that are boring and uninteresting to you (with girls). Society seems to be more important... What could this be about? Often this attitude indicates difficulties in the relationship with the father. How much of this is about you?

Such feelings towards others are born from “complicated” relationships with oneself. Perhaps you were not allowed to do what you wanted, you were treated harshly, you were forbidden to be happy and contented. “Comfortable Alone” is about the discomfort and pain in contact with others that you experienced before, as a child.