How priests live in marriage. Questions - Questions to the priest Can an unmarried priest get a parish

MARRIAGE, FAMILY AND FAMILY VALUES

MARRIAGE

So, most priests are married, only they do not marry.
Why? Because a candidate for ordination must take care of creating a family in advance. Let's put it this way: one who wants to take holy orders must either get married (if he is not already married), or become a monk, or remain single (celibacy), but in this case he will no longer be able to marry after taking the holy orders. It should be noted right away that celibacy is highly discouraged by our hierarchy, therefore there are very few unmarried priests in the Russian Church. In the Catholic Church, obligatory celibacy is accepted. Hence the passions that provide rich ground for the creativity of writers and directors - this is the school "Gadfly", and the popular women's novel "The Thorn Birds"; the list could go on for a very long time. We are not threatened by such passions, we have our own, different.
According to the rules of the Church, a priest can only be married by the first marriage. If a second and even a third marriage is allowed for the laity, then only one exists for the clergy.
If a priest has become a widow or, for some reason, separated from his wife, then he can no longer marry under any circumstances, unless he takes off his holy orders. This is an immutable law. Sometimes tragedies happen on this basis. For example, a priest is widowed or separated from his wife, but he is still young and handsome. Where is the guarantee that he will not fall in love with another woman, and then he will not want to connect his fate with her? What to do, life puts him in front of a dilemma: service to the Church or a happy marriage. There were cases in history when a priest did not want to leave either the ministry or the woman he loved. The beloved had to become a secret wife, and the priest had to make a difficult compromise with his conscience. Pop Gapon is known in the history of our fatherland, but few people know how his life drama began. George Gapon was an ordinary priest and madly in love with his beautiful wife. After the birth of his second child, his wife died. Apparently, this grief broke Gapon. At first he tried to live an ascetic life. Once I gave my last boots to a beggar. And then the fall began. Father George has a secret cohabitant. Then there were more women in his life, and the revolution came after them.

Another detail that is often unknown even to Orthodox laity. The bride of the future priest must be a virgin. Similar requirements apply to her fiancé.
This law has been known since the Old Testament times. By the way, in modern Israel, such a law still applies to the descendants of the tribe of Leviticus (priestly tribe). Therefore, Israelis bearing the surname Kogan or Cohen, in order to be able to marry a divorced woman, bypassing the strict law, are forced to register a marriage, for example, in Cyprus.
In Orthodoxy, there is only one exception to this rule: if fornication (extramarital relations) or the first marriage was before baptism. We meet canonical second-married priests who were baptized in adulthood and had a lot behind them. Baptism makes it possible to start life from scratch, which is why such priests are not considered second-married.
Moreover, the bride and groom do not have the right to have intimate relationships before the wedding, otherwise the path to the priesthood will also be closed, especially if the bishop is very strict. Seminarians like to calculate how long after the wedding their first child was born to their married brothers. If the prescribed nine months had not passed after the wedding, then they began to tease the newly-made dad in a friendly way: did he have anything before the wedding, otherwise, you see, canonical obstacles will appear.
So, in order to take the priesthood, it is not enough to have a desire, theological and statutory knowledge.
Many readers will probably doubt that such strict rules still exist and are even enforced. Some will have to be disappointed - the rules are indeed followed, violations are quite rare and remain on the conscience of either the candidate who concealed his obstacle from the bishop (as it is called), or the bishop who knew about the obstacle, but decided to ordination.
By the way, it is only in the yellow press that all the priests are depraved, and the bishops are homosexuals. Our book talks only about the real state of things without embellishment or denigration.
One of our acquaintances, let's call him Kostya, married a divorced woman with a child. A common thing for both Orthodox and secular people. But all our mutual acquaintances were shocked when Kostya announced that he was going to take orders. Everyone froze in anticipation and began to follow the development of events. They didn't keep themselves waiting long. He was indeed ordained a deacon (the initial degree of priesthood) and sent to serve in a parish near Moscow. It turned out that he concealed from the bishop that his wife was a second wife. Soon, Kostya had a serious conflict with the rector. The abbot held a grudge. And then, just in time, the rector learns that Kostya deceived the bishop. Convinced of the accuracy of the information received, that is, not too lazy to go to the registry office and make inquiries, he immediately reports the fact to the patriarchate. As they say, everything secret becomes clear. Kostya was quickly defrocked - at the moment when he was about to apply for ordination to the priesthood.

HOW DO YOU GET TO KNOW AT THE SEMINARY

The seminary is not only an educational institution, but also a place where young people find brides.
As a rule, seminarians try to get married during their studies in order to graduate from the seminary already in the dignity. In the first grade, students get used to a new way of life, get involved in their studies. In the second, in addition to studying, they begin to look closely at the brides, in the third they try to decide in order to get married in the fourth grade and immediately be ordained. Naturally, not everyone is going so smoothly. Not everyone graduates from holy orders.
There is such a seminar joke.
The seminarian approaches the first girl who comes across and says:
– Allow me to get to know you, otherwise I have ordination in a week and I urgently need a mother.
As they say, in every joke there is a share of a joke, and they even say that this joke is taken from real life.
I even know a real case, when one seminarian prayed for a long time at the relics of St. Sergius for the gift of a bride to him. And then one day, after praying, he decided to himself that the first person he met was his bride. Yes, for this it was necessary to have serious boldness and great faith, because such things are no joke. But his faith was rewarded. This seminarian comes out of the church and on the threshold literally runs into a girl who is in a hurry to St. Sergius. This is followed by an acquaintance and a happy marriage.
It is believed that if a young man came to the seminary, it means that he has already embarked on the path of spiritual service. Therefore, trial options like “I will learn, and then I will think” are not practiced here.
Unlike a secular university, it is almost necessary to get married in a theological educational institution, or rather, not to marry, but to decide, that is, choose your own path, because you can also become a monk. If seminarians will not be able to marry, then where will the priests come from in the Church? After all, our Church is Orthodox, not Catholic, and monasticism is accepted by a minority, about ten percent of all students.
Among secular people, there is a legend about the seminary to this day that there is a so-called “bride alley” in the Trinity-Sergeeva Lavra. Any girl who wants to get acquainted with the future shepherd can sit down there on one of the benches and wait for her betrothed ...
In fact, all this has nothing to do with modern reality. In the fifties, the newly opened seminary for some time coexisted with the regional pedagogical institute. Seminarians began to get acquainted with the future Soviet teachers. The authorities quickly put an end to such a pernicious tradition by moving the Pedagogical Institute to the city of Orekhovo-Zuevo, away from the religious intoxication. Maybe it was in those days that there was a similar tradition, but there is no real evidence for this. And why this alley, if the seminary itself is full of young ladies eager to get married?

It has been discussed more than once how difficult it is to be the wife of a president (oligarch, unemployed, low-paid clerk, etc.). What about a clergyman? Is it necessary (and is it possible?) to strive to marry these handsome enlightened men?

About the fate, rights and duties of the wives of clergymen in the main world confessions, "MK" learned from them and their husbands.

Matushka Irina Smirnova (pictured left) with a colleague.

Every time I see interesting young priests (fathers, imams, rabbis, padres and even Tibetan lamas) and catch their interested, truly masculine looks on me, I ask myself: I wonder, how are they with “this”? Who can't at all? To whom - only with a legal wife? Who can get divorced? And how are wives whose husbands serve God? And in general, are their families similar to ours - earthly ones?

Orthodox: six months of abstinence

In Orthodoxy, the clergy is divided into black (monasticism) and white (priests, deacons), explains Orthodox psychologist Natalya Lyaskovskaya. - Monastics fully devote themselves to the service of God, renouncing their personal, intimate life. The second can get married, have a family. Only now they no longer have the right to reach the highest levels of the church hierarchy. For example, Ilia II, Patriarch of All Georgia, became a monk in 1959 at the age of 26.

Orthodox psychologist Natalya Lyaskovskaya.

As a psychologist, Natalya talked with girls who wanted to become mothers. From all over the country they come to a village near the Sergiev Posad Lavra with the aim of marrying a seminarian. Local old ladies help young people get to know each other. But the spiritual father of both decides the whole matter - after confession. The girl should be chaste, of good disposition. The spiritual father most often sees whether people are suitable for each other. And bless the marriage - or not bless. Therefore, marriages among clergymen are usually strong.

Sometimes girls fall into sin: they deceive both the groom and the spiritual father, - says Natalia. - We had such a story: a seminarian got married and, already being ordained a deacon, he found out that his wife had a child. He refused intimate relations with her and lives like a sister. It is impossible for a priest to marry a second time - that means that the deceiver has ruined his hopes for a good family, for children ...

According to the psychologist, future priests and deacons marry very young, because single people are not ordained to the dignity, such a rule. An unmarried priest cannot get a "place" - a parish.

When the church revival began at the end of the 20th century, new churches were opened and built everywhere - there were often not enough priests. Then, with special permission, already mature, married men were ordained, and their spouses became mothers as if automatically.

So my two fellow students at the Literary Institute became mothers, - Lyaskovskaya smiles. - A modern mother can lead a secular life, make a career and even do business, but she must live like a church: observe fasts, confess, take communion. During fasting, abstinence from intimate relationships is recommended. And if you add up four fasts - Great, Petrovsky, Assumption and Christmas - plus Wednesday and Friday of each week and some holidays, you get about six months of abstinence. Nevertheless, the families of priests are usually very numerous. The life of a mother is full of worries and hardships. At the parish, she is often the right hand of her husband, his secretary, diplomat, foreman, church choir director, Sunday school director, and many more.

And here is what the young mother Anastasia says, she is only 26:

Married priests cannot divorce, except for one case - if the wife went on a spree. Then he can get a divorce, but it is impossible to marry again, remaining a priest - only to accept monasticism. The same is true if the mother is dead. Therefore, some wives blackmail with a divorce, knowing that for the majority of normal men (which the priests remain, despite the cassock) to be left without a woman forever is much worse than with a bitch-mother. Undoubtedly, it is good in family life with a priest that he is obliged to be virtuous. And if he behaves badly from the point of view of church morality - he is rude to his wife or infringes on her somehow, she can complain to the church authorities - and the outrageous person will quickly be curbed.

But the 67-year-old mother Irina Smirnova calls herself "not the canonical twice mother." Twice - because she has a priest not only a husband, but also a son, and non-standard - because she is a divorced mother.

Irina says little about herself, more about others. But people tell me that her calm, peaceful father kicked his overly socially active wife out of the house, and all 8 children left after her. Once Irina was the director of the Palace of Pioneers and Schoolchildren in Shakhtinsk, and her husband was first a glorious computer scientist, then an important oilman, then a teacher at a boarding school. Until he became disillusioned with everything, he went to a theological seminary and became a village priest. They say that he is lazy, with a certain degree of indifference to others. But his mother always took someone else's misfortune too, according to her husband, to heart - she helped either the children or the prisoners, which ultimately led to a family conflict.

My ex-husband, father Michael, died on this Trinity. I was told more than once that he regretted our divorce, - Irina sighs.

She talks about how different mothers are. For example, one of them, Olga, leads the house like a home monastery: all children are born in the church, everyone reads and sings in church, everyone keeps fasts. The house is clean, each room has a small iconostasis. She walks around the house only in a scarf.

I remember once I ran to visit her. And just then the father came in. Oh, how she ran to find a handkerchief for my head! Otherwise, how will I approach the blessing and sit down at the table! Olga never cut her hair, did not make up, but she is beautiful in such a natural way - in a Christian way. Prostrate before the priest, as it should be. She always has everything prepared, cooked up, a huge cultivated vegetable garden under the window, a cow, chickens and other domestic animals. And still forced to work by profession and experience - the seller. She is my guiding star in the world of Orthodoxy... But it also happens that fathers cheat on mothers, and vice versa. Sometimes mothers even have abortions. They are all people, and man is weak...

Patriarch of All Georgia, Catholicos Ilia II.

Islam: if he were an imam...

“Islam does not distinguish between an imam (aka a mullah) and an ordinary Muslim,” Ali Abiy, who serves in one of Moscow's mosques, first of all makes a reservation.

In the understanding of Islam, - Ali Abiy explains, the worst man is the one who does not marry. And since we do not have a difference between an imam and an ordinary Muslim, then a clergyman can have up to four wives. On the same terms as his parishioner: if you can support each wife and her children equally, provide each with a separate home and pay for each bride price to her parents. The Koran recommends that every Muslim make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in his life, but not to the detriment of the maintenance of the family, but if there is free money for that. But the mullahs, of course, do it more often - the position obliges. And the wife of the imam, like any wife of the faithful, is recommended to observe Sharia. But, as a rule, they observe more strictly - in order to maintain the authority of the husband in the eyes of the parishioners. I have only one wife and my beloved Khamisya! Ali Aby smiles.

The families of imams - their wives, children and themselves - always behave very decently: they don't drink alcohol, they don't swear, they don't gossip, they are always kind and modest, - Zukhra, a parishioner of a mosque in Almaty, shares. - You can call the Imam at any time of the day or night and invite him to read the Koran for a funeral (jinaza-namaz is read at a cemetery), for a wake, for circumcision for boys or nikah - a Muslim wedding. And often their wives accompany them. There is no fee for this visit: as much as people can, they give as much.

41-year-old handsome Imam Shamil Alyautdinov - imam-khatib (in other words, the most important imam) of the Moscow Memorial Mosque and deputy mufti of the Spiritual Board of Muslims for religious issues - is also the husband of one wife and the father of five children.

The imam says that not only Muslims come to the mosque with worldly questions, they talk with everyone here. And recently, non-Muslim girls often began to come with the question: how to marry a true believer? And when asked why they do this, they answer: real Muslims do not drink, adultery and drugs are forbidden to them. There are no bad habits, but there is responsibility.

If a person does not have a family, if he has not taken responsibility for a woman and children, this person does not understand much, says the imam. - Men and women are absolutely equal, the Koran clearly states this.

- And why then the female halves?

If you mean in the mosque, then this is so as not to distract a man from prayer. Men usually pray more. For a man, for example, attending a Friday sermon is mandatory, but not for a woman. Because a man is the head of the family, it is useful for him to listen to a sermon, and he can then pass it on at home. And my wife has a lot of things to do with children, with household chores. Muslims living in secular countries do not have female halves in their homes.

Also, Imam Shamil Alyautdinov explains the relationship of the Koran to various delicate aspects of intimate relationships and answers the questions of the newlyweds on the special portal "Sex and Islam". Strange as it may seem to the ignorant, the Qur'an considers intimacy to be the mercy of Allah. Here is the relevant sura: “Your intimate relationship with your spouse is charity,” said the Prophet. The Companions asked in bewilderment: “A person satisfies his carnal desires and receives a reward before God for this!?” The Messenger of the Lord replied: “Don’t you understand that if he had a relationship on the side, he would be a sinner!? And having intimate relationships within the family, he will be rewarded!”

Judaism: be fruitful and multiply!

Judaism and Islam have a lot in common, but the main thing is the sacred need for intimacy. Both denominations, obviously, make sure that their parishioners become as large as possible. A researcher at the Center for Eastern European Bibliographic Research named after V.I. Jacob Shuba in Boston Dr. Andrey Bredshtein, who also runs a kosher bakery-brewery in Chester, New Hampshire:

A rabbi is first of all a position and by no means a priest! The rabbi has no monopoly on communication with God or the right to perform rituals. The word rabbi means "big, great," and this title, as a prefix before the name, is given to those Jews who have studied a lot and lead a Jewish lifestyle.

Dr. Bredshtein in his bakery.

Like every Jew, a rabbi not only can, but must have a wife. There are many reasons for this, but the main ones, in my opinion, are two: the Torah says that it is bad for a person to be alone, and a married person can fulfill the important commandment “Be fruitful and multiply!” A rabbi's wife is usually referred to as a rebetzn (Yiddish) or a rabanit (Hebrew). A rabbi can marry any Jewish woman without any restrictions. In the same way, a rabbi can get a divorce - according to the laws of divorce common to all Jews.

As for the ritual female purity, it is observed very strictly among the Orthodox: for quite a few days in the month, even legal spouses cannot touch each other at all.

Rav Yehuda Katz lives in the old part of Jerusalem. After the evening prayer, he hurries home, where his beautiful wife, Malka, is waiting for him. Rabanit Malka takes care of the house, children, and also acts as a spiritual mentor for women. “They don’t raise special brides for rabbis,” Rav. - The girl, of course, should be observing traditions. It is hard to imagine a young lady in a short skirt and with brightly painted lips next to a believer. By the way, religious girls are not recommended to use cosmetics. And in orthodox families, a woman shaves off all the hair from her head so as not to seduce men, and wears a wig or a headdress.

Sex in a rabbi's family is very important, says Semyon Khashchansky, a member of the Beersheba community. - Probably, everyone has heard at least once that Jews have sex "through a hole in the sheet." This myth was born from the fact that religious Jews hang their so-called "tales-kotn" out of the windows to dry - robes about 50 cm wide and 1 m long, decorated with fringe in the corners and with a hole for the head in the middle. And one of the passers-by - obviously with a rich erotic imagination - decided that it was the Jews who hung out the sheets like that after sex.

And the author of the book Kosher Sex, Shmuel Boteach, argues that Judaism is the only religion that not only allows sex for pleasure, but also considers it the most holy act, because it carries life in itself. It binds two people into one: into one body and one soul.

A woman in Judaism, as in Islam, prays at will, because she already has a lot of things to do - children, household. Adultery is dealt with by the rabbinical court: in ancient times, both women and men were anathematized for it and expelled from the camp. Even in ancient times, the Jews did not kill women for infidelity. And now the rabbinic court can censure both spouses - according to the circumstances.

Catholics are different...

Catholic priests are required to observe celibacy - a vow of celibacy and eternal abstinence. This applies to most branches of Catholicism. However, the Greek Catholic Church (part of the Roman Catholic Church, which prescribes strict celibacy to its holy fathers) has family traditions similar to Orthodoxy.

Greek Catholic theologian Pavel Smitsniuk.

This is told by the Greek Catholic theologian Pavel Smitsnyuk, who studied theology in St. Petersburg, Athens and Rome, and is now working on his doctoral dissertation at Oxford:

In our country, clergy are allowed to marry, monks are not allowed to marry. Bishops (this is the highest degree of priesthood) are elected only from monks. At the same time, most priests are married. A person who wants to become a priest can marry only before taking the ordination; if someone becomes a deacon or a priest while unmarried, he can no longer marry. If a clergyman is divorced (or widowed), he also cannot enter into a second marriage. Thus, a young man who wants to become a priest has only one attempt at choosing a wife.

The theologian explains that the wife of a clergyman must be prepared for the peculiarities of her husband's ministry, which often involves the absence of joint days off (the busiest days for a priest are Sundays and holidays), or be ready to change their place of residence if the priest is transferred from one parish to another. It also happens that parishioners, especially the older ones, have certain expectations of the matushka: for example, that she will wear a long skirt instead of jeans, or that she will not attend certain places or events. These expectations may have absolutely nothing to do with church canons or with Christianity in general, but this does not make them any less real.

It is clear that such a cross is beyond the power of every woman, Pavel agrees. - If in the past mother was engaged in housework and raising children, today she can be a manager, journalist or lawyer. This situation is a kind of challenge to traditional ideas about the family of a priest, but priests have learned to cope with this challenge. And this is good!

Buddhists: just love

Buddhism is a patriarchal denomination that views women as lustful seductresses immersed in sensuality rather than dharma (the universal law of being). There used to be Buddhist nuns, but over time they disappeared, only a few of the survivors still live in Nepal and Sri Lanka. They shave their heads and remain chaste.

However, a Buddhist from the United States named Vanessa argues that in the United States, even Buddhism has acquired democratic and cosmopolitan features:

In general, a Buddhist monk cannot marry, and a lama - a teacher in the Tibetan tradition - can, but only if he has not accepted the crown of celibacy. Moreover, faith does not forbid him to divorce and marry again. His wife usually follows his teachings and is a student. In our state, one lama is married to a Catholic. And I also have a family of believing Buddhists on the next street, where the husband is an American Jew, and his wife is a Russian from Moscow. She was not married, but with a daughter of 7 years old, when she went from Russia to Tibet to the monks - to learn the basics of Buddhist culture. Lived there for several months. I met an American Jew who was also on a pilgrimage. They fell in love and she moved in with him in California. They had a daughter, she was named Buddha. Who is she - Jewish, Russian or Tibetan? They don't think about it, they just love each other.

Lesser-known denominations sometimes amaze with their unexpected marriage traditions. For example, at Mormons(patriarchal religion, community in Utah, USA) allowed polygamy. Women here obey their husbands, and husbands obey God. All women must be married in order to enter heaven. If the wife behaves badly, then the man has the right to replace her with another, but the wife herself cannot leave her husband. Church elders approve the girl for the “position” of the wife, the bride must be a virgin. Before marriage, a girl should not allow a man to even touch her. Abortions cannot be done: children need to be born, as God wills.

But the most democratic are the Protestants: they have women bishops, and gays, and gay marriages. The pastor's wife usually takes the floor after the Sabbath service and addresses the flock: she quotes the Adventist mentor Ellen White, reminds of the importance of a healthy diet (no pork at all), and calls for vegetarianism. Mother necessarily takes part in the church public council, where not only questions are decided on the choice of church ministers, but also excommunication for violation of the rules (divorce, non-observance of the Sabbath, adultery, etc.). They are excommunicated from the church for a certain period or permanently - depending on the severity of the deed. Adventist women can only marry a partner from their own community, and divorce is strictly prohibited. A story is told in the community: a 19-year-old Adventist began dating a guy who was not from the community, she was excommunicated, and she left. A few months later, she and that guy broke up. She ran to the church, they didn't let her in. Then mother took pity and said that in a month she could come and repent publicly. Deprived of the right to attend the church, the girl felt so bad all month that, having arrived on the indicated day, she fell on her knees in front of the pulpit and she was seized by convulsions that did not stop until the end of the service. And when the fugitive stopped shaking, mother said with satisfaction that that was it: the devil had left her.

The answer to the question of whether priests can marry cannot be unambiguous. This is due to two points. First, it depends on which church he belongs to. And, secondly, it concerns the degree of his priesthood.

What are the clergy like?

You need to know the answer to this question in order to understand whether priests can marry. Priests are divided into three levels of hierarchy:

• the first of these is the deacon;
• the second is a priest, he is also a presbyter;
• the third is a bishop or bishop.

The deacon helps the priests and bishops conduct divine services; he does not have the right to do this on his own. A deacon can belong to both white and black clergy (be a monk).

The priest has the right to perform both divine services and the sacraments. The only exception is ordination. He may also be a monk.

The duties of the bishop include supervision of the clergy of the diocese, of which he is the head, as well as of the flock. Another bishop heads the clergy of the temple, monastery. He may hold various major government degrees. This is about:

• patriarch;
• metropolitan;
• archbishop;
• exarch.

A bishop is elected only from among the monastic clergy.

Having decided on the degrees of the priesthood, you can find out the answer to the question of whether a priest of the Orthodox Church can marry.

Bishops

Can priests in the rank of bishop marry? The answer to this question is unequivocally negative. The custom of celibacy in this category began to be perceived as the norm by the second half of the 7th century. This rule was enshrined at the Trull Cathedral (691-692). Moreover, the last rule concerned those of the bishops who were married before ordination.

They had to first separate from his wife, sending her to a monastery, which was far from the place of his ministry. The ex-wife was entitled to the use of maintenance from the bishop. Today, candidates for bishops are elected only from monks who have accepted the small schema (ascetics).

First and second order of the priesthood

In Orthodoxy, all the clergy are divided into two types:

1. Black, monastic, which gives a vow of chastity.
2. White. It may or may not be married.

Therefore, the answer to the question of whether priests of the first and second degrees can marry depends on which of the two types they belong to.

Only those belonging to the white clergy are allowed to marry. But they can do this only before they are vested in the diaconal or priestly rank. After they have created a family, they have the opportunity to take orders. Can a priest have children by joining it? Yes, they are allowed to have children.

What if the wife dies or decides to leave her husband? In such a situation, the priest must remain alone. He can either become a monk, or remain in the status of an unmarried priest, but he is forbidden to remarry.

There is another form of priestly celibacy, which will be discussed below.

Celibacy

This is a special form of priesthood, following which a person does not become a monk, but at the same time does not belong to the family clergy. After a celibate priest is ordained, he lives alone. This rule was legalized in the Western Church under Pope Gregory the Great (590-604). But de facto it was established only by the XI century, under Pope Gregory VII. As far as the Eastern Church is concerned, celibacy was rejected by the Trulli Council, which was not recognized by the Catholics.

The vow of celibacy prescribes the observance of chastity, and its violation is regarded as sacrilege. Priests cannot marry or have previously been married. After being ordained, one cannot marry either. Thus, among Catholics, despite the existing division into black and white clergy, the vow of celibacy must be observed by all priests.

In our country, celibacy appeared in the late XIX - early XX century. It was started by Archpriest A. Gorsky (1812-1875). He was the rector of the Moscow Theological Academy. Metropolitan Filaret encouraged him to take this step, which was completely new for the Russian church. He is the author of a treatise on examples of celibate ordinations observed both in ancient and in recent history. In Russia, celibacy was taken quite rarely, as it happens now.

As for Judaism, there is a sharply negative attitude towards celibacy. It is, first of all, based on the command given in the Bible - "Be fruitful and multiply." Also, celibacy is rejected due to the fact that an unmarried man is considered only as half of a human being.

The May issue of the magazine of the St. Petersburg diocese "Water of Life" is devoted to the problems of a young family. Already spouses, not yet parents - this is how the period in the life of the newlyweds is indicated, which is closely examined in this issue.

For many believers, the priesthood and married life seem hardly compatible. Many of those reading these lines can recall their bewilderment or even disappointment when they first learned that priests were married! Indeed, how can one who has promised to devote himself entirely to God share his love between God and those with whom he is connected exclusively in his "private" life - with his family? What other family does a priest need if the Lord Himself pointed to the community of the faithful as those who essentially replace it (Mark 3:33-35)?

Family life is inextricably linked with the atmosphere of the “worldly”: the father of the family takes care of material prosperity, is constantly absorbed in solving various momentary problems. The very joys of married life seem to be far from any truly sacred content. Therefore, the approach of the Catholic Church (which prescribes obligatory celibacy, that is, the celibacy of a clergyman) seems to be the most logical: the priest fully devotes himself to the heavenly, freeing himself from worldly attachments.

In Orthodox Christianity, the marriage issue is resolved differently. "White" clergy, that is, priests with families, serve in parish churches. The "black" clergy, bound by vows of abstinence and non-possession, serve in monasteries and farmsteads, and also supply the most worthy persons for episcopal service. The ordination of a priest who is not bound by the bonds of marriage and at the same time does not belong to a monastic rank is considered in Orthodoxy as an extraordinary event, the attitude towards which still remains wary.

So, 90% of all the clergy with whom the parishioners deal are people who are married, beloved of their wives and fathers of their children. Each candidate for the clergy, in addition to being properly educated (that is, having a special, theological education) and a true believer (that is, sharing the faith of his Mother Church), must be a correct husband and father in his family. The Orthodox Church expects a future priest to prove his pastoral talent and spirit of love by a successful marriage before ordination. The New Testament texts, the decrees of the Councils, and church canons emphasize with surprising persistence the need for a clergyman (and for a certain period in the history of the Church, even for bishops) to marry and take care of their family as of the Church of Christ.

The marriage of a priest is a testimony in this world

In the Orthodox mind, a clergyman, his way of life, faith and appearance has the status of canonicity. It is believed that the priest is worth imitating, since he himself excels in imitation and leads a life in accordance with Christian ideals. The marriage of a priest or deacon also acquires features of normativity. The way he entered into marriage, what kind of relations reign in his family, how he treats his wife, who is now commonly called "mother" - all this seems to any parishioner extremely interesting. And the point here is not curiosity or the desire to gossip about someone else's personal life, but the fact that the family occupies one of the most important places in the life of every person. Every Christian needs a positive example of married life and wise "marriage" edification much more than instructions about and charms, which abound in the pulpit speeches of archpriests and priests. A worthy example of a family whose relationships are based on mutual love, fidelity and His commandments can play no less a missionary and counseling role than preaching. After all, where else, besides the house of a clergyman, can one find a marriage for which moral values, reliably forgotten by the world, are still fundamentally important.

Modern young people are afraid to link their fate with someone "to the end", for life. The priest is bound to his wife forever; entails an immediate ban on service. The biblical idea that only another believing Christian can be a companion of a believing Christian in marriage is not always clear to contemporaries. The betrothed in the world is chosen, taking into account his wealth, external attractiveness, status. And in the marriage of a priest, such a situation is fraught with an imminent tragedy: the rhythm of church service, many difficulties and trials will turn out to be a real tragedy for a mother who is alien to the values ​​\u200b\u200bof her husband. Modern man tries to get away from all sorts of responsibilities and obligations.

Many prefer friendship to friendship, and flirting to marriage. Even church youth is in no hurry to create a family, cherishing their own, understood as an opportunity not to associate themselves with anyone and not be responsible for anything. But the life of the aspirant to service must be free from the ills of the present described: a cleric enters into marriage only before taking office. Orthodox tradition requires the future priest to overcome the egoism inherent in every person, indecision and infantilism in the status of a husband, head of a family. Thus, it is affirmed that only those who are capable of creating a family are capable of responsible and serious service to God. A successful marriage of a clergyman, based on such high values ​​and Christian principles, can become a source of inspiration and hope, an example for people who do not know how wonderful the union of two believers can be. However, in reality, the marriage of a clergyman is also in the “risk zone”.

Situation 1. A married, but, as it were, unmarried priest

Serving in the Church creates a lot of objective difficulties for the marriage of a clergyman. Irregular working hours, the presence of "evening shifts", the absence of common days off for the family (Saturday and Sunday, rest days for residents of Russia are the most working days for clergy) - all this contributes to the relationship of the priest with his household. Just yesterday, a husband and wife stood side by side at a church service, holding hands, but now the husband is in the altar, and joint prayer shoulder to shoulder is now possible only at home. Internet forums are full of complaints about how hard it is to be a priest's wife: almost always it means living alone, without the help of a spouse in solving pressing domestic problems. A priest who devotes himself to public service simply does not have the time and energy to solve his private, family problems.

All these features of church service cannot cause a serious family tragedy as long as the cleric perceives them as problems that must be overcome and compensated in some way in order to preserve family peace. The danger arises when the priest perceives his forced absence from the family as a virtue and a God-sanctioned feature of his profession. Meanwhile, the philosophy of priestly marriage that has spontaneously developed in modern Orthodoxy encourages such an attitude.

As an illustration of this thought, we can cite the custom that has developed at the present time to forever part with the wedding ring after ordination. It turns out that, a sign of mutual fidelity of two spouses, a visible symbol of an invisible relationship, there is no place on the finger of someone who has chosen to serve the altar. As an ideological justification for this custom, lofty words are cited that from now on the Church of Christ is the wife of a priest, while the Sacrament of Consecration itself is interpreted as a ceremony of the wedding of a priest with the Church. However, this pious rhetoric hides an unattractive reality that gives rise to a lot of sharp questions and objections.

A reasonable question arises: if in the life of a priest the place of the wife turns out to be partially occupied by the Church, then what should be the place of the husband in the mother's heart? Reading the Pastoral Epistles of the Apostle Paul, we find that church service is rather a continuation of the family life of a Christian, but by no means an alternative to it. Scripture repeatedly informs us that the only bridegroom of the Church is, but nowhere do we find words that a priest or deacon becomes such a bridegroom after ordination. Finally, wouldn't it be more honest for a clergyman to not marry at all in relation to his wife and children, since the chosen ministry is incompatible with a full-fledged family life?

Often a priest accepts the established rules of the game, preferring to be a prominent widower surrounded by dozens of adored spiritual daughters and sons. Maybe this way is the most convenient? Many men want to spend as much time as possible in a job they enjoy and want to reduce their obligations to the family to the level of financial support, while enjoying all the privileges of a family man. But, as it turns out, only a priest or a deacon can provide a proper ideological basis for this essentially egoistic striving. Needless to say, the inevitable result of such behavior is always a marriage crisis, which often ends in divorce.

Situation 2. The marriage of a priest is a closed topic.

Realizing that at present church service is surrounded by a mass of stereotypes that threaten family happiness, clerics often make the topic of their family life completely closed to the community.

Often the wife of a priest specifically does not visit the church where her husband serves. After all, close attention from believers and the teachings of church grandmothers can deprive even the meekest of mothers of peace of mind. Parishioners with "experience" (especially in small towns and rural areas) can make a young priest a lot of superficially formal, meaningless demands, from which he hurries to hide in the comfort of the hearth. Only in communion with the household can he take off the pious mask that the parish requires of him, and become himself: a loving husband and a tender father. Such a “privatization” of family life cannot be reproached with a clergyman; such behavior is not due to his inner weakness, but to the specific way of parish life that developed before him. It remains only to regret that the happy marriage of a priest does not serve the sermon about Christ, which is most effective if confirmed by deeds and way of life.

Situation 3. "Patriarchal" marriage.

It happens that priests do not make secrets from their family life. The only pity is that in many cases, instead of the icon of matrimony, parishioners see a lubok. For some reason, a patriarchal type of family with archaic elements is considered a real church marriage, where a woman is destined for the place of a housewife (another church stereotype: it turns out that a cleric's wife cannot work), and all family members must obey the man unquestioningly. This is reminiscent of some kind of role-playing game in which each of the participants follows a strictly defined, but long outdated role, even in clothes imitating the fashion of previous centuries. And the question often arises among parishioners: why should a marriage based on Christian principles in the 21st century be adjusted to the standards of the 18th century? Such a specially built “Orthodox marriage” can hardly serve as a model for all Christians. It is not possible for such spouses to separate the eternal in the Christian union, which is laid down in it by the Lord, from the historically introduced. The Christian dimension of family life, manifested in the mutual, equality and emotional closeness of the spouses, is forgotten in favor of the literal observance of the cultural and everyday realities of centuries gone by.

Love is the foundation of marriage. Even the priest.

The situations described above are different in appearance, but in all the important principles underlying Christian marriage are equally violated. Unfortunately, today the dignity of priestly marriage has to be defended not only from the threats and temptations of modern civilization, but also from specific church stereotypes. Chief among them is the notion that in the life of a cleric the family is doomed to a "natural" displacement by sacred service. teaches us the opposite: successful service in the Church of God is a continuation of the family life of a priest or deacon. All that is required of him is to comply with those norms of married life that are communicated to marriage by Christian teaching. Fortunately, these norms are perfectly compatible with the family values ​​of modern culture: mutual respect, responsibility of the participants in marriage, equality and emotional closeness.

One of the greatest treasures of the Orthodox Church's tradition is the practice of the married priesthood. Despite the strongest monastic influence, the Church managed to defend this tradition. Many holy fathers pointed out that family life, care and heartfelt love for a spouse and children serve as a good medicine for a priest from various forms of fascination with himself, temptation by the greatness of his ministry. It can be said that the spirituality in the full sense of a family priest, who is not ashamed of his marriage, has that necessary degree of soundness and balance, which makes him a responsible and mature pastor.

Deacon Alexei Volchkov

illustrations: Alexandra Ershova

The personal life of the clergy has always been a secret with seven seals for the laity. And they always wanted to know: how many times can priests marry and by what criteria do they choose their wife?

The correspondent of Komsomolskaya Pravda in Ukraine spoke with Archpriest Vadim Shapran, dean of the Chudnovsky district of the Zhytomyr region.

A CHOICE SHOULD BE MADE BEFORE 30 YEARS

Is it true that an Orthodox clergyman can only marry once in his life?

— If for Catholics celibacy (that is, celibacy) is a mandatory phenomenon, then for Orthodox it is rather a rare exception to the rule. After all, priests are ordinary people who are constantly among the parishioners, communicate, including with young women. To protect them from temptation, the church blessed the marriage. This was enshrined at the First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea back in 325. The priest must decide for himself: either choose the monastic path, or get married. But he must do this before the age of 30 - by this age, according to existing church canons, they are ordained. That is enough time. First you need to create a family, that is, a small church, and then start building your parish...

- What mandatory qualities should a contender for a hand and heart have?

- First of all, a girl must be Orthodox and always a girl. And for a priest entering into marriage, this woman should be the first and only one in life. It is clear that a woman with a child, a divorcee or a widow cannot become the wife of a priest. As for the profession, there are no clear restrictions here. The applicant should not be a stripper, sell vodka and cigarettes ... Simply put, the bride should not compromise her future husband in any way.

The old church rules stipulated that the bride of a priest should not be an actress, but in those days, the profession of an actress was equated with prostitution. Now the profession of an actor is highly respected, so there is no such ban.

- What is the specialty of the mother of your acquaintances priests?

- Among them there is a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a cook ... My wife is a lawyer. Some matushkas work in their specialty, but they are mainly engaged in raising children and housekeeping, since families of priests, as a rule, have large families.

REMARKING IS FORBIDDEN

- And if the mother, say, did not live up to expectations and behaves unworthily, what should the priest do? Can a failed marriage be dissolved and remarry?

“A priest must be able to deal with his wife. And if his mother is cheating on him, then he definitely should not live with her as with his wife. Although it is not necessary to expel the unworthy from the house. For a priest, there is no concept of dissolution of marriage, let alone a second marriage. Under no circumstances can a priest remarry. Even if his wife dies. In the times of Ancient Rus', a widowed priest was obliged to enter a monastery. Now the question is not so rigidly posed, but the priest remains alone for the rest of his life.

- And if such a lonely priest suddenly truly loves a woman, what should he do?

- In this case, you will have to choose: either serving God, or a new family. If he chooses a second marriage, then he loses his holy orders. Recently, a monk left monasticism, got married and retrained as a bank worker ...

- There is an opinion that the best wife for a priest is a girl from the family of a priest ...

- In pre-revolutionary Russia, there were a kind of suppliers of brides for priests - diocesan women's schools (dioceses), where the daughters of clergymen studied. Most often they really became mothers. But now such traditions do not exist. I am deeply convinced that only love marriage will be strong.

Where can you find a suitable candidate? Among your flock during the service?

- For example, I met my future bride at the wedding of mutual friends. Situations in life are very different.

CAR, INTERNET, PANTS - PLEASE

What clothes should a mother wear? Is it necessary to wear a long dress and a headscarf?

- A scarf is, of course, not bad. But the mother does not have to be a "gray mouse" at all. The main thing is not clothes, but the inner world of a person, his spirituality, attitude to life and others. I want to note that a modern mother is a woman who can take an active life position, drive a car, work in a secular institution, use the Internet, and so on.

— But does an ordinary worldly girl experience any difficulties when she marries a priest?

- It acquires publicity, which not everyone tolerates calmly. For example, when a mother comes to a church service in her husband's parish, she is unlikely to be able to calmly pray and leave. The eyes of the parishioners immediately rush to her. People begin to discuss vividly: what she is wearing, what hairstyle, shoes, what her children look like. They approach, begin to ask about something, tell something, ask for something. Therefore, if the priest's family lives in a large city, and the parish is located somewhere in the region, mothers prefer to attend church in the city, where few people know them. So calmer and more comfortable. The same applies to joint holidays. For example, my wife and I can only relax at sea or in a sparsely populated place.

Another important nuance: at any moment a priest can be sent to another parish, to another city or village. Moreover, in a new place, you may have to start almost from scratch, since housing is by no means guaranteed. Therefore, many priests prefer to live in the regional center and travel from there to their parishes. Objective difficulties are also caused by the irregular working day of the clergyman, the lack of joint days off ... And the families of most priests do not live well. Except in very big cities. If in urban cathedrals and churches priests receive a salary, then in rural parishes their main income is the funds of the parishioners, which people give to the priest as gratitude for baptism, weddings, funerals, and the like.

— How do you spend your leisure time? Is visiting nightclubs and discos excluded?

- No normal Christian goes to such places, not to mention the clergy. The priest and his wife can go to theatrical performances, watch a good movie in the cinema. There are restaurants where the piano sounds in the evenings. If funds are available, it would be interesting to spend an evening there and listen to good music. In other words, our life is not much different from the life of an ordinary Christian, but we bear great responsibility for every word spoken, every step taken and deed.