What is planet earth? Characteristics of the earth

Eros Is this basic bad manners in old age?
Many older people deny themselves the joy of eros. Why?
After all, eros in old age is, for the most part, not the process of communication itself, but an opportunity to be in the company of a desired person. If you don’t go anywhere and don’t communicate with anyone, then getting what you want becomes problematic.
It happens that a man or woman in old age has a situation where he, a person with excess energy of attraction, finds himself with a subject of desire who does not particularly enjoy communicating with him, then eros is a way that makes it possible to avoid the difficulties of relationships . In eros, a person experiences incredible moments of spontaneity. It's magical! Some people in old age become physically ill without eros for some time. Eros is more than intimacy. Eros is the realization of one’s fantasies and “enthusiasm.” If your life partner turns out to be “dull,” cold and rude, and your bedroom looks like an operating room, this can lead to loneliness and depression. In old age, you need not only money, but also eros. It is safe to say that every elderly person needs eros and money. With the help of money and eros, you can get at least a little warmth and comfort, which is so lacking in old age. Sometimes children and relatives simply forget the elderly person.
Western psychologists believe that in old age, the state of love and strong positive emotions stimulate the body and increase life expectancy.
Eastern teachings that preach complete abstinence and sublimation of sexual energy, on the contrary, claim that a person’s vitality is depleted due to the fact that at this moment the energy of vitality is consumed. They believe that joy harms the heart, sadness harms the lungs, fear harms the lungs. In such a delicate question of how to spend our energy to increase the duration of active life, there are no one hundred percent correct recommendations.
Suzuki Shosan, a famous Japanese warrior, adept and teacher of Zen Buddhism, wrote: “If you make mindless efforts and subject yourself to hardships, you will simply waste your strength and reduce your hidden capabilities, and without any meaning.
When the psychological state is wrong, concentration will only make it worse. Focus is a means of unlocking possibilities, so it is important to guard against exhaustion. You just need to improve your will and become genuine." Suzuki Shosana was wary of certain types of meditation and exoteric practices and believed that mindless pursuit of "spiritual practices" could lead to mental and physical illness. Many adherents of Zen Buddhism died as a result of their quests, even before reaching old age. Is it reasonable to break your worldview, mortify the flesh and give up the joys of life in order to live to be one hundred and twenty years old? Is it worth sacrificing the quality of life for the sake of gaining immortality, developing paranormal abilities, achieving enlightenment and a state of permanent serenity, etc. .P.
Such people devote themselves only to yoga, exercise day and night, meditate, pray to the gods, sharpening their will and tuning their spirit. Reasonable, non-excessive aerobics, swimming, slow running, Nordic walking or cycling are more effective in terms of life expectancy. To achieve longevity, the main thing is to have direct contact with other human beings, animals, plants and, in addition to food and drink, money!
The main thing for every elderly person to remember is the impermanence of passion. Remember that the inability to control your own desires when society demands it is basic bad manners.

Ian Stewart-Hamilton, in his book The Psychology of Aging, writes:
"Sexuality and Aging

Simple observation shows that the media portrays sex as the preserve of the young and thin, while anti-age humor suggests that older people who want to have a sex life are either disgusting or insane. Even those people who are dubbed "sex symbols" by the media are chosen because they generally "look younger than their age." Accordingly, older people do not receive daily reassurance that it is normal and healthy to want to be sexually active at any point in adulthood. Therefore, it would not be surprising to find that overt interest in sex declines after age 50 (Sevreza et al., 1995), and this is partly due to negative public opinion (although illnesses and medications that affect sexual desire also contribute its significant contribution).
There are a number of problems associated with the study of sexuality in old age. The first is a cohort effect: older people were raised in a less tolerant time, and are unaccustomed (and may indeed lack the vocabulary) to talk about sex. In reviewing the history of research into sexual activity in old age, Gibson (1992) found that the more recent the research, the more “admitted” it was to sexual activity. A traditional problem in sex research is the reluctance of people to participate in such studies (and conversely, participants who express too much willingness to participate in research may also bias the results inappropriately). Thus, groups of older people may provide less information not because they have sex less frequently, but because they are less willing to talk about it. Another problem, also cited by many researchers, is related to what constitutes the concept of “sex”. If penetrative intercourse is considered as the sole criterion for sex, older adults may show much greater decline in performance than if a broader set of criteria is considered. However, it should be noted that sexually active older adults generally report about very great satisfaction no matter what type of sex they allow themselves(Maillaz e(a!., 197; Skoolg, 1996). The next problem is the problem of opportunity. Since women on average live longer than men, there are many more older women than men. Consequently,
Older women's opportunities for heterosexual intercourse are diminished and activity may decline not because of a loss of ability or desire, but because of the lack of a suitable partner. For men, the biggest problems are usually the inability to maintain an erection and/or lack of physical strength for sexual intercourse. According to Gibson (1992), about 10-20% of older men and 35% (or more) older women do not have a sex life (although it should be noted that numbers vary significantly from study to study). The last problem to follow
mentioned here is undertreatment because clinicians may underestimate or ignore the sexuality of older people (Synagogue, 1998; Mauer's and McVne's, 1998); In general, a high percentage of cases of sexual dysfunction in older people remain untreated (Cossack, Spaniard, 1997).
Typically, in addition to physical health limitations, the level of sexual activity depends on the level of that activity in early life (eg, Muggle, 1981). This implies that, as already noted, a person's condition in old age is determined by his behavior in earlier periods of life. However, it should be remembered that sexual desire is highly individual (Madler and Johnsson, 1996), and it would be inappropriate to assume that there is a “correct” level of activity or that sexual activity is necessary for healthy aging.”

Confidence in a loving relationship- this is about how to maintain inner support within yourself and give support to your relationships when things get difficult. But this happens with living people and living relationships.
And then it depends on your understanding, stability, and confident activity how your love will go through the storms.

For example, after a long tender, sensual, understanding, ideal period - oops! – you may suddenly hear that the other has decided to end the relationship. Or take a break. / “The feelings are gone,” “I realized that this is not the right relationship / we have no future.”

Or you yourself are disappointed: something has gone. There are no such feelings as there were before. Some kind of routine, day after day. It was different before. Perhaps this is the end of love? Is it worth continuing then?..

Or the person next to you has taken full responsibility: he knows and is ready to explain to you again and again how to do it correctly. Personally, you just need to try hard to match him/her - but this is for your sake, you know that this is sincerely so. Why do you feel so painful and hopeless?..

Love deficit
Material http://www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/deficit_l...
Love deficiency is an unmet need for love. A person wants to love and receive it in return from the world around him. If a person was waiting for love, but did not receive it, then he stops loving himself, he becomes greedy for love. At the same time, he is not ready to give, but is only ready to take. A lack of love deforms the personality and forms addictions that are dangerous to health, of which there are a great many. Among them are alcohol, drugs, computer, professional and even... love.
There is an opinion that in order for a person to not have a shortage of love in his life, he must love himself, and then those around him will love him.

Material Psychologos
Author N.I. Kozlov
Love of a man and a woman
Love between a man and a woman can be very different: love and falling in love, love-passion and love-habit, consumer love and giving love... What determines these so different types of love? What determines how we love? What kind of love depends largely on what underlies it: physiology or social stereotypes, feelings or reason, a healthy and rich soul - or lonely and sick... The love of each of us is a reflection of our personality, and our common people and life, the development of our positions of perception largely determines the type and nature of our love.
Love is not limited to sexual attraction, but sexual attraction is the most traditional basis of love (in neurobiology, based on the study of the brains of lovers, love is defined as “dopaminergic goal-setting motivation to form pair bonds”). Sexual attraction is almost always behind youthful love. In the relationships of mature people, sexual attraction is more hidden, but does not disappear anywhere: breaks in sexual life and the resulting accumulation of sex hormones usually make the relationship more tender.

We need to talk about love for a long time, but in short, love is selfless and joyful care. This is caring, but unlike household services, taking care here is a joy! Let me make you happy!

If an adult, intelligent and responsible person loves, other requirements are added to love: love should not be blind, but sighted and intelligent, not only a feeling, but also responsible behavior. Love without respect is short-lived and fickle, respect without love is cold and weak.
Unless, of course, we are talking about love, and not just falling in love. Many people confuse love and falling in love, but in vain...
Love, at the same time, is not just a certain behavior and feelings, it is a certain way of life with its own values, worldview, focus of attention and even breathing and intonations. Living with love, living in a state of love is quite real, it is quite acceptable for everyday life, good for health , is socially welcomed and brings not only joy, but also more significant benefits of life.

V. Fraekl about love
The uniqueness of a person lies in the uniqueness of the relationship between “two”, that is, the intimate community of one person with another. A person is provided with “manna from heaven” - “the path of love, or more correctly, the path of being loved. Without any personal contribution, without any effort or labor - by the grace of God, so to speak - a person receives what is possible only when realizing its originality and uniqueness.<..>Love is not deserved, love is just mercy,...it's magic. ...love significantly increases the completeness of the perception of values” (p. 245).
Love according to Frankl is a touch to someone else’s “I”, to the personality of a loved one, to three ways of relating to her. "The most primitive approach concerns the outermost layer: this sexual attitude. The physical appearance of another person turns out to be sexually arousing...<..>Stands a step higher erotic attitude"(p.246) .
Erotic attitude is transmission of sexual emotions, artistic depiction of sex and nudity.
. "Erotics penetrates into the next, deeper layer, enters mental sphere another man. This attitude towards a partner, considered as one of the phases of the relationship with him, corresponds to what we call “strong infatuation.” The physical qualities of a partner excite us sexually, but at the same time we are “fascinated” by other mental qualities - his advantages. An enthusiastic person is no longer just in a state of physical excitement; rather, he himself is excited psychological emotionality - it is excited by the special (but not unique) mental organization of the partner, say, by some specific traits of his character. So, a purely sexual relationship is aimed at the physical essence of the partner and is not able to go beyond this level.
The erotic relationship, the “relationship of infatuation,” is aimed at the physical essence of the partner (the transmission of sexual emotions, the artistic depiction of sex and the naked body), but it does not penetrate the heart of the other person. this is done only at the third level of relationships: at the level of love itself. Love (in the narrowest sense of the word) represents the final stage of the erotic relationship (in the broadest sense of the word), since only it penetrates most deeply into the personal structure of the partner. Love represents entering into a relationship with another person as a spiritual being. Spiritual intimacy partners is the highest attainable form of partnership" (p.246-247).
SpiritualclosenessThis when people have similar interests and life goals, are interested in the same books, and evaluate people and events in approximately the same way. And sincere closenessThis the ability to feel and share each other's experiences.
"The spiritual intimacy of partners is the highest achievable form of partnership. For the one who loves, it is no longer enough to arouse the corresponding physical and emotional state - it is truly affected only by the spiritual intimacy of the partner. Love is thus entering into a direct relationship with the person of the loved one, with its originality and uniqueness.
The spiritual core is the bearer of those mental and physical characteristics that attract an erotically and sexually inclined person... This other person “has” a loved one, and what he himself is... one of a kind, irreplaceable and incomparable with by whom" (p.247).

NEUROTIC NEED FOR LOVE IN ELDERLY WOMEN

© 2010 V.A. Zaretskaya

Institute of Psychology RAS. Moscow

The article was received by the editor on January 25, 2010

The article raises the problem of neurotic need for love in older women.

Key words: identity, neurotic need for love, children's strategies in choosing identification, older women.

1. The problem of maintaining identity in older women. Humanity is rapidly aging, and groups of older people are significantly increasing in many countries. The modern world of elderly and old people is becoming a world of women. “...women predominate in the population of older age groups. According to forecasts of domestic and foreign researchers, this trend will continue for the next 30 years.”1. An analysis of the state of psychological science shows that research into the psychological characteristics of older women is on the periphery of the interests of scientists. Of particular interest for the study are strategies for maintaining the identity of older women.

“In accordance with the classification of the WHO Regional Office for Europe, old age lasts for women - from 55 to 74 years.”2. Retirement, widowhood, and physical infirmity can be considered as factors that directly lead to identity disturbance. The process of maintaining identity consists “...in the inclusion of new phenomena and changing life circumstances in the existing “I” concept and adaptation. to trouble. which the “I” cannot quickly assimilate”3.

Over the past 15 years, our country has experienced a significant shift in identity from social to personal. Sociological research interprets the data obtained “as the identification of “protection” so that the cruel world around us does not become too

Zaretskaya Valeria Arkadyevna, applicant at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences. E-mail: zaretskaya&mail. ru

1 Krasnova O.V., Kozlova T.Z. Older generation: gender aspect. - M.: 2007. - P.5.

2 Sorokoumova E.A. Age-related psychology. - St. Petersburg: 2007. - P. 186.

3 Craig G., Bokum D. Developmental psychology. - M.; St. Petersburg. and others: 2004. - P.761.

invaded the inner world of the individual”4. In conditions of social instability, a person withdraws into his private life and strives to find support in it. New families created by older people are appearing. There is little information about the motives that encourage older people to marry late. For example, in a sociological survey of Nizhny Novgorod residents, 24.6% of respondents named the first motive for creating a new family by older people (over 60 years of age) as “escape, salvation from loneliness.” “The marriage of older people... is not based on love, but on a community of interests, everyday considerations, fear of loneliness and other practical reasons”5. This is a statement that society does not suspect what a deep inner life continues in an elderly person striving to preserve his Self. The family, even a very small one, performs a protective function of identification. Identification shifts the boundaries between the world and the individual by expanding the space of the Self, allowing another person into the common space. As Kernberg writes, “Remaining within the boundaries of the Self while at the same time transcending them through identification with the love object is exhilarating. state of love"6. The protective property of identification is manifested in the fact that it contributes to a directed change in the self towards self-development and adaptation to society. Despite the fact that “...a woman has much less opportunity to actually experience her personal desires”7, single older women resort to this option

4 Kozlova T.Z. Self-identification of some social groups according to the test “Who am I?”//Social identification of a person - 2 / Responsible editor V.A. Yadov. Institute of Sociology RAS. - M.: 1994. - P.151.

5 Bukhalova N.A. New families of elderly people: Auto-ref. dis. Candidate of Social Sciences Sci. - N. Novgorod: 2008.

6 Kernberg O. F. Love relationships: norm and pathology. - M.: 2004. - P.65.

7 Spielrein S. Psychoanalytic works. - Izhevsk:

protection - searching for a partner, a friend, in whose company the anxious state of loneliness will disappear and a new motive for life will appear. In later years, as in adulthood, the acquisition of new love creates the basis for self-esteem, destroys the isolation of the Self and the anxiety that accompanies it, encourages creative development, and therefore contributes to the restoration of identity, i.e. the ability “... to feel oneself and one’s being unchanged..., to experience the chronology of one’s life as a single whole.”8. The idea of ​​identity was first introduced by E. Erikson as a definition of internal continuity and identity of a person. The experience of a sense of identity intensifies with age and as personality develops. An individual's personality includes the sum of all successive identifications, and its crisis can only be resolved through new identifications with peers. This position of E. Erikson applies to adolescence. But factors that destroy identity “...force people of the older generation to turn again to the alternatives that took place in their youth.”9. The identity crisis that older women experience can be resolved constructively if identity restoration is achieved, and destructively - by losing one’s own uniqueness and originality. Many single older women are looking for ways to maintain control over their living conditions. For some of them, meeting another person through an advertisement in a newspaper is one way to solve this problem.

The purpose of our study is to analyze the neurotic need for love and childhood strategies in choosing to identify with someone in older women. To achieve the goal, letters from women aged 55 to 74 years (incl.), published in the “Lonely Hearts Club” section in the newspapers “Healing Letters” and “Healing News” for 2007 and 2008, were used. (It is important that the letters were written during a period of maximum economic prosperity for the country as a whole). The method of content analysis is, from our position, the only reliable means of analyzing texts with deeply personal content. 148 letters were selected for the study. The study subjects are distributed by age groups in table. 1:

8 Shneider L.B. Personal, gender and professional identity: theory and diagnostic methods. -M.: 2007. - P.8.

9 Erickson E. Identity: youth and crisis. - M.: 1996. - P.99.

Table 1. Subject Groups

No. Age of subjects No. people

1 55 - 59 years 68

2 60 - 64 years 36

3 65 - 69 years 33

4 70 - 74 years 11

V S E G O: 148

It is noticeable that they write more actively, the so-called. "young pensioners" After 60 years of age, their activity in searching for a partner decreases significantly. There are no fundamental differences in the number of subjects writing from urban or rural areas. Summary indicators of wishes for a partner and information about subjects about themselves are presented in Table. 2:

Table 2. Summary table of indicators of wishes and information about yourself

No. Subjects’ wishes for a future partner and information about themselves Col. people

2 Have adult children (and grandchildren) 44

3 They write about their loneliness 51

4 They dream of meeting a kind person 45

5 They dream of meeting a decent person 25

6 They dream of meeting a reliable person 15

7 They want someone's care 21

8 They want to live with a new partner 12

9 Those who love nature 26

2. Research of the content of letters. “Older people, each of whom must face imminent loss and death, can be divided into two categories. For some, life continues to challenge them and they are still willing to fight with all their might. For others, life is filled with bitterness, regret and fear. The former certainly went through a struggle. and took responsibility for their lives."10 Others “... are persecuted. fear that their life was completely meaningless"11. Study subjects speak directly about their dreams, aspirations and hopes. Only a small number of them, realizing what a difficult task they are going to solve - finding a loved one - write optimistically, adequately assessing themselves and their capabilities, while weighing their wishes for future acquaintances:

L. - “Don’t isolate yourself, get rid of loneliness, fill your soul and love yourself, nature, people... So I hope

10Hollis James. Pass in the middle of the journey: How to overcome the midlife crisis and find a new meaning in life. - M.: 2008. - P.45.

to the response of a single man 60 - 65 years old. “He has not lost interest in life, is a pleasant companion and a reliable friend.” - 60 l.;

T. - “I write these words for women of retirement age. I am a pensioner, a widow for a long time. The son is an adult, he has his own life. At our age there are very few single decent men left, but there are three times as many single women. Together we would brighten up our loneliness, there would be someone to pour out our souls to, ask for advice. Caring and attention to each other will help overcome illnesses and sorrows. Communication is the stimulus of life...”;

A. - “... I’m 67 years old, my two sons live separately with their families... I’m completely alone... I have a burning desire to do something good, but no one needs it. I love to draw, sculpt, sew... It's a pity that there are no like-minded people. Please respond if there are people like me, lonely and with unclaimed talents. So that our talents do not fade away in vain, let's unite and get down to business. And our life will turn out to be a fairy tale, and not an empty stay on earth. Such a desire burns within me, and there is no way to extinguish it. Write to me everyone, old and young, sick and healthy, children, and perhaps lonely, misunderstood and abandoned...”;

Some subjects hope to meet their love:

N. - “Writing by a lonely woman, 58 years old, who believes in her happy destiny. I have not yet lost hope that there is a person in the world who could love truly and seriously, because I still want to love and be loved.”;

M. - “... well, but I don’t want to go to autumn, I’m calling my spring again, I don’t know your name and patronymic yet, But I want to love and kiss... . when a person loves and is loved, this is the best cure for all diseases...” - 57 l.

Subjects with an optimistic intention to find a partner are conventionally classified as “optimists.” It is obvious that the position of these subjects does not differ from the position of an adult, which is clearly defined by Erikson: “... the adult state begins with the ability to receive and give love and care”12. Subjects from the “optimist” group who wrote about the desire to love and care continue to remain mature adults. But there are few optimistic positions: most research subjects hope to find a kind, caring, decent person. People with a “pessimist” attitude are running out of physical strength, the main source of their activity. In this case, the entire personality as a whole “decrepit”

12 Erickson E. Personal Tragedy. - M.: 2008. - P.211.

scrap. “The decline of personality in old age is a symptom that is proof that a person did not know how to live fruitfully”13. In our study, the group of (notional) “pessimists” is the main focus of analysis. The most noticeable similarity between many of the narratives is the mention of the experience of loneliness. 51 people write about this (34.5% of the total number). Some call loneliness a disease.

V. “I am 65 years old. Widow. My husband died 8 years ago, and everything was empty in my soul. Apparently, loneliness is an ominous disease.”;

N. “Loneliness is a truly terrible disease that no one needs... Perhaps it is not too late for a middle-aged, attractive widow. light the fire of home with a reliable man...";

M. ". I am 67 years old. She lived a difficult life. I lost people close and dear to me. And then she got sick herself. My illness is called loneliness...”;

E. “I am 62 years old, a widow, my husband died 15 years ago. I live alone, no children. Loneliness is an inexpressible feeling."

Thoughts and words about illness are not accidental. They are a sign of depression. Perhaps loneliness can also cause some somatic diseases. From the point of view of M.V. Ermolaeva, “The inability to satisfy the need for love is the cause of depression, self-esteem and sadness. These states are associated with feelings of loneliness and uselessness.”14. Loneliness is a companion to a meaningless and pointless life. Describing some patients in their declining years, Jung notes a similar trend in their lives." as a general neurosis of our time”15. Some subjects are so unsure of themselves that they have almost no claims to choosing a partner, believing that the person they are looking for will be found on their own:

O. - “Despite all my busyness, there is loneliness in my soul. I would like to go for a walk, but I have no one to go with. Maybe there will be a lonely man for my lot.” - 58 l.;

R. - “By the will of fate, I was left completely alone, and even without housing... But maybe somewhere there is a lonely, kind person who is as bad and lonely as I am.” - 58 l.;

M. - “I am a widow. There is no one, no one to talk to. Maybe there will be an equally lonely person under 65 years old.” - 65 l.;

V. - “I’m very lonely, I have no one to talk to... I’d like to find pen pals, but

13 Fromm E. Man for himself. - M.; Mn.: 2006. -P.236.

14 Ermolaeva M.V. Fundamentals of developmental psychology and acmeology: Textbook. allowance - M.: 2003. - P.384.

15 Jung K.-G. Problems of the soul of our time. - M.:

maybe even a man - kind, decent and caring.” - 57 l.

S. - “... I have children and grandchildren. But the children have grown up, they have their own lives, their own interests, they are busy taking care of their families... Living with them, I feel superfluous.” - 58 l.;

K. - “I live with my bachelor son, who has his own life, interests, friends. And I’m alone all the time - there’s no one to talk to, no one to pour out my soul to.”

M. - “In June I will have an anniversary... No one will congratulate me except my children and grandchildren, and the evening will be as lonely and empty as always.”

N. - “...sons have their own interests... The youngest son advises me to find a kind, thrifty husband so that I won’t be lonely... I want him to go with me to church, to the forest, to the sea, to graze with me sheep and goats, loved music, was generous to the imperfections of those around him and did not re-educate anyone.” - 61;

L. - “... widow. At first, she hid her loneliness - she helped her daughter raise her grandson. And so, when they stopped needing me, it became very disappointing.” - 69 l.

S. de Beauvoir analyzes the mental state of such women: “An aging mother and grandmother suppress their desire to rule, hide their grievances; they are satisfied with what the children give to them of their own free will. In such cases, they do not find significant support in them. And they find themselves with nothing in front of the emptiness of the future, in the grip of loneliness, regrets, and boredom.”16 Other subjects believe that with the help of dating in the “Lonely Hearts Club”, they can solve the most important issues for themselves. The first thing that catches your eye is the infantile orientation of the messages:

N. - “. My lower back hurts a lot. The doctors said that I need to swim and warm myself, but I can’t go to the sea, since I don’t have any friends in warm places. I want to meet a man to brighten up the loneliness for both of us. Together, all issues can be resolved.” - 68 l.;

L. - “I am a single woman... group 2 disabled. I am looking for a good, intelligent person for spiritual communication and for help in life situations. I love well-read, literate people... I especially love home comfort, prosperity in everything... I would like to live in the country or in my own house, to see how strawberries grow.” - 57 l.

R. - “I want to meet a lonely pensioner, pleasant to talk to, who loves and knows how to cook deliciously. With someone who will become family and friends for me, who will make my life

16 Simone de Beauvoir. Second floor. (In 2 volumes). - M.; St. Petersburg: 1997. - P.668.

joyful and happy. I am a widow... And if you are a rich person, easy-going, then you can see the world, since I have never been anywhere or seen anything, but was born for happiness.” - 69 l.

Also obvious is some infantilism of subjects who dream of a good future life partner. The wording sounds very similar:

N. - “I hope a decent, kind person will pay attention to my letter.” - 64;

M. - “At our age it’s not easy to meet a good man with a kind soul and a sensitive heart.” - 65 l.;

A. - “I hope that a lonely good person will respond... Respond, kind person.” - 61;

N. - “I want to meet a kind, caring man.” - 69 l.;

M. - “I would like a man with a kind heart and soul to respond.” - 58 l.;

IN - ". I hope to meet my desired, selfless, reliable, kind soul and heart friend.” - 67 l.;

N. - “I would like to meet a kind, sweet, close-hearted person at the end of my life.” - 59 l.;

B. - “I really want to meet a kind, decent and caring man.” - 58 l.;

C. - “I’m waiting for a good comforter for the rest of my life.” - 59 l.

In these letters, a characteristic wish for a future acquaintance is kind. The “pessimist,” as in childhood, wants to fall under the protection of a stronger person, whose “love... promises protection, support, passion, inspiration, sympathy, understanding. She will make him feel valued. It will give meaning. life"17.

According to A. Adler, “... old age, acting as a kind of constant humiliation, releases a strong feeling of inferiority. Those who have a neurotic predisposition will especially suffer. A woman faces old age as a flaw. In old age, her importance decreases to a greater extent than the importance of an elderly man, and the prevailing attitude in society towards an elderly woman can literally be called malicious. This. the property is explained by the tendency of men to devalue everything feminine. It cooperates with the sedimentation of our social experiences in the psyche, and this germ of neurosis cannot be eradicated until the grave. Children's love. and official respect for old age, as auxiliary methods of maintaining social feeling. cannot satisfy the traumatized desires of older people, si-

17 Horney K. Neurosis and personality growth. The struggle for self-

implementation. - M.: 2008. - P. 250.

ly of which are decreasing”18. Therefore, research subjects resort to searching for a source of spiritual intimacy and love. For “pessimists” looking for a way out of the current unstable situation, the acquisition of external signs of identification - a new friend or partner - is proof that the past has been overcome. But this is rather a desired state; it is unlikely to be realized in reality. There are more frank confessions about the past life.

S. - “I am a widow with a difficult fate... I did not live happily, I was not desired and loved. I’m tired of being a man and a woman, roughly speaking... I want to meet a kind man with golden hands,... not an alcoholic, because I tortured myself.” - 56 l.;

N. - “I gave birth to and raised 5 children, I raised them all on my own. The husband drank, and when the younger one was 5 years old, he died. All the children now live separately nearby, they all have their own families, but they forgot about me.” - 58 l.;

R. - “Loneliness is especially felt in retirement. The children are grown, there are no parents... I have been without my husband for a long time. I didn’t like love with fists and obscenities____ I’m now looking for support and communication.” - 56 l.

These confessions are not much different from S. Dovlatov’s description of similar women’s destinies: “Where are women treated worse than here? Where else do they beat them with reins and sticks? Where else do they wear tarpaulin boots and padded jackets? In Russia, it is enough to be relatively sober to be considered an eligible bachelor... It is enough not to beat your wife with a shovel to be considered an exemplary husband...”19. This assessment is an illustration of the youthfulness of some of today's elderly widows. The following messages are almost pleading:

S. - “Maybe there will be... a comrade in misfortune for me. I would like to live out my life with a person (man or woman) who is lonely, sick, over 70 years old, and has diabetes. Will I really not meet such a person? How bad it is to be lonely, old and sick! And it’s easier to die together...”

R. - “... having buried her husband, she was left completely alone. I am 71 years old... I would like... to invite a small family... so that they would look after me and bury me... My friends - 2 dogs and 2 stray cats and their 2 cats, what a melancholy!... Our village is located 30 km from Krasnodar.”

According to E. Fromm “... the fear of death is the result of an unsuccessful life; this is also a manifestation. guilty conscience when

18 Adler A. About the nervous character. - St. Petersburg; M.: 1997. - P. 154 - 155.

19 Dovlatov S. Speech without reason. or Editor's Columns. (Previously unreleased material). - M.: 2006. -P.314 - 318.

life is wasted and the chance of fruitful use of abilities is missed. the thought that you will die without really understanding what life is is simply unbearable.”20 There are narratives with a pronounced neurotic component:

L. - “I want to find a single, congenial man who needs communication and attention at the age of 73 - 75 years old, with whom we could live out the rest of our years in harmony and caring for each other. I have been a pensioner and a widow for a long time. My niece has lived with me all my life, but now she has her own family, and I have become redundant. There is no attention and warmth on their part, which is so lacking with age, but you really want at least a little happiness and peace, to know that someone else needs you and cherishes you.”

V. - “I am 63 years old, my husband died a long time ago, and two years ago I buried my son. My daughter-in-law doesn’t come and doesn’t show me the children. I have a daughter, but she travels far away very rarely. And there are no friends... I was left alone. I want to meet my soulmate. I even agree to move. You can call in the evening, since during the day I am often in the hospital for treatment...”

From the position of K. Horney, it follows that “... the inability to be responsible for oneself is only one of the expressions of general alienation from oneself”21. “A man cut off from himself. loses both the depth and strength of feelings. His attitude towards people becomes indiscriminate. Anyone becomes a “very good friend.” But out of sight, out of mind. Alienation turns into indifference"22. Subjects with such attitudes, imagining themselves as weak and sick, avoid reproaches and competition. Suffering is a form of protection for them. “Suffering and helplessness become. means of achieving love and affection, help, control over others. Achieving satisfaction through immersion in grief expresses the general principle of finding satisfaction through the loss of one's own self... Then the persistence of masochistic aspirations in neurotics is explained by the fact that they simultaneously serve as a defense against anxiety and provide potential or real satisfaction. In reality, a person with masochistic tendencies. not able to. surrender completely to the feeling of love. There is no active interaction between him and the other, there is only his self-centered absorption in his own goals. Important

20 Fromm E. Man for himself. - M.; Mn.: 2006. -P.234 - 235.

21 Horney K. Neurosis and personality growth. The struggle for self-realization. - M.: 2008. - P. 175.

22 Ibid. - P.302 - 303.

23 Horney K. Neurotic personality of our time. -

M.: 2006. - P. 187 - 195.

It seems that many subjects write about their love for nature.

O. - “I have a small garden... because the soil is very healing. You talk to herbs, trees, flowers, and in return they give you health.” - 58 l.

N.F. Shakhmatov believes that this is a radical revaluation of values, which finds “... practical expression in the calm, contemplative and self-sufficient way of life that is established in old age. By this time, new interests are also discovered. Among them, the first place is occupied by an appeal to nature, the desire to be content with little.”24. It can be assumed that this is very typical for older people who are deprived of full communication with loved ones. Contact with nature serves as compensation for this communication, and therefore helps to replenish energy deficiency.

3. Conclusions of the study. Many theoretical positions of the masters of psychology - A. Adler, K. Jung, K. Horney, E. Fromm, E. Erikson - are confirmed today in the collective “portrait” of an elderly Russian woman who has sculpted her psychological “face” throughout her previous difficult life.

In the context of our analysis, the opinion of the Jungian analyst D. Hollis is appropriate: “Neurosis is just a term used to describe the internal contradictions inherent in the psyche and the protest caused by them”25. E. Fromm complements this assessment of the meaning of the term “neurotic”: “... from the point of view of human values, society can be called neurotic in the sense that its members are mentally crippled in the development of their psyche... a neurotic can be characterized as a person who has not given up in the struggle for one's own identity. Of course, his attempt to save his individuality was unsuccessful.”26.

Subjects from the “pessimistic” group focus awareness of themselves only on the physical integrity that exists directly in the present. In this case, a comparison arises with a child’s strategy in choosing to identify with someone. This idea is developed by A. Adler: “When they want to characterize the relationship of a neurotic and a child to the environment, they say that what they have in common is the lack of independence of the child and the neurotic in life. Both are incapable of coping with life’s challenges,

24 Shakhmatov N. F. Aging is a time of personal knowledge of eternal questions and true values ​​// Psychology of maturity and aging. - 1998. - (2). - P.18.

25 Hollis James. Pass in the middle of the road: ... - P.63.

26 Fromm E. Flight from freedom. - M.: 2007. - P.132 -133.

without enlisting the support of others.”27. K. Horney has a similar position: “Just as a child, as a result of his basal anxiety, is forced to look for special ways of dealing with other people, so an adult neurotic must, in turn, find such ways. And he finds them."28.

Chekhov’s Vanka Zhukov writes very similarly to his grandfather: “Dear grandfather, do God’s mercy, take me home from here... Have pity on me, an unfortunate orphan, otherwise they keep beating me and I want to eat passion, but the boredom is such that it’s impossible to say, that’s all.” I'm crying. Wasting my life is worse than any dog.”29. A similar subject is named K. Horney. a neurotic trying to arouse pity through a dramatic display of his misfortunes. We can see these same trends in children of all ages. The use of pity appeals involves the belief that one is incapable of receiving love and affection in any other way.”30

Relationships with a new partner (at least some kind, only “kind and caring”), which individual subjects from the group of “pessimists” dream of, can be defined in E. Fromm’s terminology as a “symbiotic union.” “The passive form of the symbiotic union is submission, or masochism... The masochist tries to escape the intolerable feeling of isolation and separation by becoming an integral part of another person who controls, controls and protects him. The masochist does not need to make decisions or take risks; he is never alone, but he is deprived of independence.”31. Erikson believes that throughout history, women “...accepted roles that exploited the masochism inherent in her.”32. In the refusal of independence, in masochism, the symptoms of which inevitably intensify in old age, a violation of identity is manifested.

In many cases, subjects showed very similar reports, and sometimes almost identical characteristics of the experienced states. The unbearability of lonely life forces them to take up the pen. Socio-psychological factors have a stronger influence on the characteristics of mental development than biological ones

27 Adler A. Practice and theory of individual psychology. - M.: 2007. - P.74.

28 Horney K. Neurosis and personality growth.. - P.314.

29 Chekhov A.P. Collection op. - T.4. Stories. 1886. - M.: 1955. - P.586 - 587.

30 Horney K. Neurotic personality. - P.102.

31 Fromm E. The Art of Love. - 2nd ed. - St. Petersburg: 2007. - P.89 - 90.

32 Erickson E. Identity: youth and crisis. - M.: 1996. - P.298.

person in later years. “It is these social factors that include the negative patterns widespread in society regarding older age groups of the population. Under their influence, many aging people develop a negative attitude towards themselves. achievement motivation decreases, the phenomenon of “learned helplessness” appears33. In addition, difficult life circumstances significantly influence the increased neuroticism of the individual. The main life strategy of an aging person is to avoid suffering. Our research shows that neurotic individuals strive with all their might to avoid suffering, trying to find support in life in union with another person. But these attempts are doomed to failure, because a neurotic does not have the ability to love another person. Although most research subjects express their hopes, first of all, under the “banner” of searching for love and communication. In their confessions, to one degree or another, there is anxiety about their present situation and the futility of the future, and it is connected, to a large extent, with the unrealized need to belong to another person. According to W. Erhardt, such women rely on “. a widespread prejudice about the superiority of men... they always expect that someone will come to their aid, they hope...

hope that someone will save them in a difficult situation”34. And at a later age, without satisfying the need for belonging and love, it is impossible to move further in one’s development and understanding of one’s Self.

Analysis of subjects' letters revealed two identity restoration strategies. An “optimist” understands that he is responsible for his own life, and this “. encourages him to do everything possible to be more himself.”35 The “pessimist”, who has not learned to fight for himself throughout his adult life, resigns himself. From the position of W. James, “The renunciation of claims gives. relief is as welcome as their implementation in practice, and one will renounce the claim in the case when disappointments are incessant, and the struggle has no outcome in sight.”36 But, in this case, the identity of a “pessimist” cannot be restored; it cannot be built on masochism and childhood identification strategies.

33 Antsyferova L.I. Personality development and problems of gerontology. - M.: 2004. - P.48.

34 Erhardt W. Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go wherever they want, or Why obedience does not bring happiness. - M.: 2008. - P.133 - 135.

35 Hollis James. Pass in the middle of the road. - P.77.

36 Psychology of self-awareness. Reader. - Samara: 2007. - P.17.

NEUROTIC NEED OF LOVE FOR ELDERLY AGE WOMEN

© 2010 V.A.Zaretskaya RUS Institute of Psychology, Moscow The paper discusses the problem of neurotic need of love for elderly age women.

Key words: identity, neurotic need of love, children strategies in identification choice, elderly age women.

Zaretskaya Valeria Arkadievna, Degree-seeking student of the RAS Institute of Psychology. E-mail: zaretskaya&mail. ru

There is no doubt that in our culture, the four ways to protect the self from anxiety listed earlier can play a decisive role in the lives of many people. These are people whose main desire is the desire for love or approval and who are capable of going to any lengths to satisfy this desire; people whose behavior is characterized by a tendency towards submission, humility and the absence of any attempts at self-affirmation; people whose dominant desire is success, power or possession; as well as people prone to solitude and independence. However, one might question whether I am right in asserting that these strivings represent a defense against some basic anxiety. Are they not the expression of aspirations that lie within the normal range of human capabilities? The mistake in this argument is to pose such a question in an alternative form. In reality, both of these points of view are neither contradictory nor mutually exclusive. The desire for love, the tendency to submit, the desire for influence or success and the desire to leave in various combinations are present in all of us, without in the least indicating the presence of neurosis.

Moreover, one or another of these tendencies may be the predominant attitude in certain cultures. This fact again suggests that they may be normative potentialities of humanity. Relationships of love, maternal care, and submission to the wishes of others dominate Arapesh culture, as described by Margaret Mead; the desire for prestige in a rather crude form is a recognized pattern among the Kwakiutl, as Ruth Benedict has shown; the tendency to withdraw from the world is a dominant feature in the Buddhist religion.

My concept is not to deny the normal nature of these aspirations, but to assert that they can all be put in the service of achieving calm from some anxiety and, moreover, that due to the acquisition of this protective function they change their quality, becoming something completely different . The best way I can explain this difference is by analogy. For example, a person climbs a tree in order to demonstrate his ability to survey the surroundings from a height or to escape from a wild animal. In both cases we climb a tree, but the motives for this are different. In the first case, we do it for pleasure, in the second, we are driven by fear, and we are forced to do it for the sake of safety. In the first case, we are free to choose whether to climb or not, in the second, we are forced to climb out of necessity. In the first case, we can choose the tree that is most suitable for our purpose, in the second, we have no choice - we are ready to climb anything, such as a flagpole or a house, as long as it serves the purpose of protection.

Differences in motivation also result in differences in feeling and behavior. If we are driven by the actual desire to satisfy a particular need, our attitude will have the quality of spontaneity and ingenuity. However, if we are driven by anxiety, our feelings and actions will be obsessive and indiscriminate. Undoubtedly, they are intermediate stages. In instinctual drives like hunger and sex, which are determined to a great extent by physiological tensions resulting from deprivation, the physical tension may reach such a degree that the search for satisfaction may be characterized by some degree of compulsion and indiscriminateness that is otherwise characteristic of drives determined by anxiety.

Moreover, there is a difference in the satisfaction achieved - in general terms, this is the difference between pleasure and tranquility, gaining confidence. This difference, however, is less sharp than it seems at first glance. Satisfaction of such instinctive drives as hunger or sex brings pleasure, but if physical tension previously did not find a way out, then the final satisfaction is very similar to that achieved as a result of easing anxiety. In both cases there is relief from unbearable tension. Regarding their intensity, pleasure and calm can be equally strong. Sexual satisfaction, although of a different kind, can be as intense as the feelings of a person who is suddenly freed from painful anxiety. Generally speaking, the urge to regain confidence and calm can not only be as intense as instinctual drives, but can be deeply satisfying.

The desire for reassurance, as discussed in the previous chapter, also contains secondary sources of satisfaction. For example, the feeling of being loved or appreciated, the feeling of success or influence can give the deepest satisfaction and is absolutely irrespective of the goal of achieving security. In addition, as we will soon see, various ways to regain peace and confidence are quite possible to defuse internal hostility and thus contribute to the release of other types of tension.

We already know that anxiety can be the driving force behind certain urges, and we have looked at the most important urges generated in this way. I will now continue a more detailed discussion of those two types of drives that play the greatest role in neuroses: the thirst for love and affection and the thirst for power and control of Other people.

The desire for love and affection is found so frequently in neuroses and is so easily recognized by an experienced observer that it can be considered one of the most reliable indicators of the existence of anxiety and its approximate strength. Indeed, if a person feels that he is fundamentally helpless in this Threatening and Hostile World, then seeking love will seem to be the most logical and direct way to gain any type of affection, help or understanding.

If the state of mind of a neurotic person were such as it often seems to him, it would not be difficult for him to achieve love. If we try to express in words what he often only vaguely feels, his desires will be approximately as follows: he wants very little - kindness, understanding, help, advice from the people around him. He wants them to know that he strives to please them and is afraid of offending anyone. Only such thoughts and feelings are present in his consciousness. He does not realize how much his painful sensitivity, his hidden hostility, his captious demands interfere with his own relationships. He is also incapable of making sound judgments about the impression he makes on others or their reactions to him. Consequently, he is unable to understand why his attempts to establish friendships, marriage, love, and professional relationships so often bring dissatisfaction. He is inclined to conclude that others are to blame, that they are inconsiderate, treacherous, capable of insult, or that due to some unfortunate cause he lacks the gift of being understood by people. So he continues to chase the ghost of love.

If the reader remembers our description of how anxiety arises from the repression of hostility and how it in turn again gives rise to hostility, in other words, how anxiety and hostility are inextricably intertwined, he will be able to recognize the self-deception in the thoughts of the neurotic and the reasons for his failures. Without knowing this, the neurotic finds himself in a dilemma: he is incapable of love, but nevertheless he urgently needs love from others. We are faced here with one of those questions that seems so simple and yet difficult to answer: what is love or what do we mean by it in our culture? Sometimes you can hear an impromptu definition of love as the ability to give and receive warmth. Although there is some truth in this definition, it is too general to help us in clearing up the difficulties we are considering. Most of us show warmth at times, but this quality can be combined with a complete inability to love. It is important to take into account the attitude from which attachment stems: whether it is an expression of a fundamentally positive attitude towards others or is based, for example, on the fear of losing another or on the desire to subject another person to one's influence. In other words, we cannot accept any of the external manifestations of affection as a criterion.

What love is is very difficult to say, but what is not love or what elements are alien to it is quite easy to define. You can love a person very deeply and at the same time sometimes be angry with him, deny him something, or feel the desire to be alone. But there is a difference between these varying reactions of anger or withdrawal and the attitude of a neurotic who is always on guard against other people, believing that any interest they show in third parties means disdain for him. A neurotic interprets any demand as betrayal, and any criticism as humiliation. This is not love. Therefore, one should not think that love is incompatible with business criticism of certain qualities or relationships, which implies assistance in correcting them. But love cannot be attributed, as a neurotic often does, to an unbearable demand for perfection, a demand that carries within itself hostility: “Woe to you if you are not perfect!”

We also consider it inconsistent with our concept of love when we see another person being used only as a means to some end, that is, as a means of satisfying certain needs. This situation clearly occurs when the other person is needed only for sexual gratification or for prestige in marriage. This issue is very easy to confuse, especially if the needs involved are psychological in nature. A person can deceive himself into thinking that he loves someone, but this is just gratitude for admiring him. Then the second person may well turn out to be a victim of self-deception of the first, for example, to be rejected by him as soon as he begins to show criticism, thus not fulfilling his function of admiration for which he was loved. However, when discussing the profound differences between true and pseudo-love, we must be careful not to go to the other extreme. Although love is incompatible with using a loved one for some satisfaction, this does not mean that it must be entirely altruistic and sacrificial. This also does not mean that a feeling that does not demand anything for itself deserves the name "love." People who express such thoughts are more likely to betray their own reluctance to show love than their deep conviction. Of course, there are things we expect from our loved one. For example, we want satisfaction, friendliness, help;

we may even want to sacrifice if necessary. And in general, the ability to express such desires or even fight for them indicates mental health. The difference between love and the neurotic need for love is that the main thing in love is the feeling of attachment itself, while for a neurotic the primary feeling is the need to gain confidence and tranquility, and the illusion of love is only secondary. Of course, there are all sorts of intermediate states.

If a person needs the love and affection of another for the sake of relief from anxiety, the matter will be completely obscured in his consciousness, because in general he is not aware that he is full of anxiety and therefore desperately seeks any kind of affection for the purpose of reassurance. He only feels that in front of him is the person he likes, or whom he trusts, or for whom he feels a blind passion. But what seems to him to be spontaneous love may in fact be nothing more than a reaction of gratitude for some kindness shown towards him, a reciprocal feeling of hope or affection caused by some person or situation. The person who explicitly or implicitly arouses expectations of this type in him will automatically become endowed with important meaning, and this feeling will manifest itself in the illusion of love. Such expectations may be aroused by something as simple as the kindness of an influential or powerful person, or they may be aroused by a person who simply appears to be more on his feet. Such feelings can be aroused by erotic or sexual success, although not always associated with love. They can “feed” on certain existing ties, the latter implicitly containing a promise of help or emotional support: family, friends, doctor. Often such relationships are carried out under the guise of love, that is, with a person’s subjective conviction of his devotion, while in reality this love is only clinging to other people to satisfy his own needs. The fact that this is not a sincere feeling of true love is revealed in the readiness of its sudden change, which occurs when some expectations are not met. One of the factors essential to our understanding of love - reliability and fidelity of feeling - is missing in these cases.

The above already implies the last sign of the inability to love, which I want to especially emphasize: ignoring the personality of the other, his characteristics, shortcomings, needs, desires, development. This ignoring is partly the result of anxiety, which encourages the neurotic to cling to the other person. A drowning person, trying to save himself, grabs onto someone nearby, without taking into account the desire or ability of the latter to save him. This disregard is partly an expression of his basal hostility towards people, the most common expression of which is contempt and envy. They may hide behind desperate efforts to be attentive or even self-sacrifice, but usually these efforts cannot prevent some unusual reactions from occurring. For example, a wife may be subjectively convinced of her deep devotion to her husband and at the same time hate him for being too busy with his work or often meeting with friends. An overprotective mother may be convinced that she is doing everything for the sake of her child's happiness, and at the same time completely ignore the child's need for independent development.

A neurotic whose defense is the desire for love is unlikely to ever become aware of his inability to love. Most such people mistake their need for other people for a predisposition to love either individual people or all of humanity as a whole. There is compelling reason to maintain and defend such an illusion. To give it up would be to discover the dilemma created by having a feeling of basal hostility towards people and at the same time desiring their love. You cannot despise a person, distrust him, want to destroy his happiness or independence and at the same time crave his love, help and support. To achieve both of these, in reality incompatible, goals, one has to keep the hostile predisposition rigidly repressed from consciousness. In other words, the illusion of love, although it is the result of an understandable mixture of sincere tenderness and neurotic need, performs a very specific function - to make the search for love, affection and affection possible.

There is another fundamental difficulty that the neurotic faces in satisfying his thirst for love. Although he may be successful, at least temporarily, in receiving the love he longed for, he is unable to actually accept it. One would expect that he would accept any love offered to him with the same ardent desire with which a thirsty person approaches water. This does indeed happen, but only temporarily. Every doctor knows the beneficial effects of kindness and caring. All physical and psychological difficulties may suddenly disappear, even if nothing else has been done other than careful hospital examination and care of the patient. Situational neurosis, even if it is severe, can completely disappear when a person feels that he is loved. Even with character neuroses, such attention, be it love, interest or medical help, may be sufficient to ease anxiety and consequently improve the condition.

Any kind of affection or love can give a person external peace or even a feeling of happiness, but deep down in the soul it is either perceived with mistrust or arouses suspicion and fear. He doesn't believe in this feeling because he firmly believes that no one can really love him. And this feeling of not being loved is often a conscious belief that cannot be shaken by any real experience that contradicts it. Indeed, it can be taken for granted so literally that it never bothers a person on a conscious level. But even when the feeling is not expressed, it is as unshakable a conviction as if it had always been conscious. It can also be hidden behind a mask of indifference, which is usually dictated by pride, and then it is quite difficult to detect. The belief that you are not loved is very similar to the inability to love. In fact, it is a conscious reflection of this inability. A person who truly loves others cannot have any doubt that other people can love him.

If anxiety is deep-seated, any love offered will be met with distrust and the thought will immediately arise that it is offered with ulterior motives. In psychoanalysis, for example, such patients believe that the analyst wants to help them only to satisfy his own ambitions or that he expresses his recognition or makes encouraging remarks only for therapeutic purposes. One of my patients considered it a direct insult when I asked her to meet over the weekend, since at that time she was in a bad emotional state. Love shown demonstratively is easily perceived as ridicule. If an attractive girl openly expresses love for a neurotic, the latter may perceive this as ridicule or even as a deliberate provocation, since he does not believe that this girl can really love him.

Love offered to such a person may not only be met with mistrust, but also cause a certain amount of anxiety. As if giving in to love meant being caught in a web, or as if believing in love meant forgetting the danger of living among cannibals. A neurotic person may feel a sense of dread as he approaches the realization that genuine love is being offered to him.

Finally, showing love can trigger fears of dependency. Emotional dependence, as we will soon see, is a real danger for anyone who cannot live without the love of others, and anything vaguely resembling it can excite a desperate struggle against it. Such a person must avoid at all costs any kind of positive emotional response of his own, because such a response immediately creates the danger of reciprocity. To avoid this, he must restrain himself from

awareness that others are kind or helpful, somehow manage to discard all evidence of affection and continue to persist in the fact that other people are unfriendly, uninterested in him, and even evil. The situation thus generated is similar to that of a person who is starving but does not dare to eat a morsel for fear of being poisoned.

In short, for a person who is consumed by basal anxiety and therefore seeks love and affection as a means of defense, the chances of obtaining that much desired love and affection are extremely unfavorable. The very situation that gives rise to this need prevents its satisfaction.