Interview with Anna Yakovlevna Varga about family and systemic family psychotherapy. Do I understand correctly that my grandfather was Jewish? Did it somehow affect your life?

Varga Anna Yakovlevna

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, psychologist, systemic family consultant. Academic director of the Master's program “Systemic family psychotherapy”, Department of Psychology, National Research University Higher School of Economics. Board member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists. Member of the International Association family psychotherapists. Member of the Training Committee of the European Association of Family Psychotherapists.

Anna Yakovlevna completed her education at Moscow State University named after M.V. Lomonosov, Faculty of Psychology. Trained as a family psychotherapist at the Milan School, trainer and supervisor Hannah Weiner, AFTA Trainer and IFTA President. Studied M. Bowen's theory in Georgetown, Washington, USA, trainers and supervisors: Katherine Baker, Peter Teitelman. She studied psychodrama at the Scandinavian Academy of Psychodrama, coach and supervisor Goran Hochberg.

Awarded by the American Association of Family Psychotherapists AAMFT and the AVANTA Society for the development of V. Satir’s theory in Russia. USA (California, 1993).

Grazhina Leonardovna Budinaite

Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor of the Faculty of Psychology Department social sciences National Research University Higher School of Economics, leading teacher of the master's program "Systemic Family Psychotherapy", Associate Professor of the Department of Child and Family Psychotherapy, Faculty of Consultative and clinical psychology MGPPU.

Practicing psychotherapist - systemic family psychotherapy, M. Bowen's theory of family systems and a number of other approaches. Member of the Society of Family Therapists, member of the International Family Therapy Association (IFTA), member of the EFTA (European Association of Family Therapists) Training Committee. Certified by EAP (European Association of Psychotherapy).

Specialist in the field of postmodern (postclassical approaches) in psychotherapy, including solution-oriented short-term psychotherapy - first publication in this field - 2001.

She worked as a researcher, senior researcher and leading researcher at the Institute for the Study of Childhood, Family and Education of the Russian Academy of Education (until 2015).

Actively published in the media since 2003 - at least 35 original publications (TV channel “Culture”, “Russia-Culture”, “Channel One”, Psychologies magazine, etc.); many years of work in the publication “Happy Parents” (author’s column) and hosting the weekly program “For Family Circumstances” on Radio Culture - 50+ episodes (2009-2011).

Master class “Marital problems - searching for solutions”

Today's challenges of family psychotherapy - what are they?

These are difficult times for family therapy. I will describe two challenges, although there are many more of them now.

Firstly, there are no generally accepted ideas in society about what a healthy, functional family is. Now there are many different types of families: childless families (when spouses deliberately refuse to have children), bi-career families (when both spouses have a career, and children and household chores are outsourced), binuclear families (for both spouses, the current marriage is not the first, there are children from previous marriages and children born in this marriage all live together part of the time or all the time), same-sex families, white marriages (conscious refusal of sexual activity with each other), etc. Many of them live perfectly well. Therefore, psychotherapists have to give up their expert position. They don't know how to live as a family properly. Now we have to invent together with our clients what will be best for them in each specific case. It is clear that this places increased demands on the neutrality of the psychotherapist, his open-mindedness, and also his creative potential.

Secondly, communication technologies have changed, the type of culture has changed, and along with all this, socially constructed childhood is disappearing. In the field of family psychotherapy, this means that there is no single understanding of how to properly raise children. It is not clear what the child needs to be taught, what the family should give the child in general. Therefore, instead of upbringing, now the family most often raises a child: he is fed, watered, dressed, nothing is required of what was required before, for example, help with the housework, he is served, for example, taken to clubs. For a child, parents are the people who give him pocket money. The family hierarchy has changed, and now the child is often at the top. All this increases the child’s general anxiety and neuroticism. Family psychotherapists are faced with the fact that a child has psychological problems, but parents cannot act as a psychological resource and support for him. To return these functions to parents, they first need to change the family hierarchy, “bringing” the child down to where he, as a dependent being, should be. Parents resist this most of all; for them, demands, control, and management of a child mean cruelty towards him. And besides, for parents, this also means abandoning child-centrism, returning to a marriage that has long been collecting dust in the corner, because most of the time is spent serving the child, trying to be friends with him, experiencing insults from his rudeness and fear due to loss of contact.

Varga A.Ya.

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13.08.2018

Psychotherapist family relations Anna Varga is the author of over 60 scientific publications, 2 monographs, and periodically reflects on the topic of “fathers and sons” in magazines and on psychological websites. Has rich teaching experience. He considers the developed training program for systemic psychotherapists to be his main professional achievement.

Education and career

Born in Moscow, into a family of scientists. She received her primary education in the capital.

Then she graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University in 1978. Afterwards, on the basis of the same faculty, she began to conduct receptions in the first psychological consultation in the USSR, providing assistance to parents experiencing difficulties in raising children. Over the next few years she led teaching activities at Moscow State Pedagogical University. IN AND. Lenina is an associate professor at the Faculty of Psychology and Pedagogy.

At the end of the 80s he left his teaching career and focused on family counseling. Anna Yakovlevna invested a lot of work in the development and implementation of new methods of family psychotherapy. As a result, she founded the Society of Family Relations Consultants and Psychotherapists.

From 1990 to 2014, he headed the department of systemic family psychotherapy at NOUCH IPPIP, a private institute for advanced training of psychologists. Since 2014 currently works at the Higher School of Economics of the National Research University.

“The family is large, complex and very beloved”

It seems that Anna Yakovlevna’s life consists entirely of scientific works, dissertations, lectures and reports. However, there is also a place for family, which is of great value and importance. Long walks through unfamiliar cities, communication with interesting people, watching movies and reading books are what inspire productive professional activity. “The dream is to be active until you are a hundred years old,” is an excellent attitude from a person who has done so much to develop the psychology of family relationships, which means that there are new articles, books and hundreds of families ahead, for whom they will help maintain or establish mutual understanding.

Books

Anna Yakovlevna Varga published two monographs: “Systemic psychotherapy of married couples,” a book about current problems in families, their solutions and prevention. It is written in clear language, which allows the material to be understood not only by professionals in the field of psychology, but also by those who are concerned about the problems of the modern family.
“Systemic family psychotherapy. A course of lectures,” the family is a single system, with the interaction of all its individual elements. Professionally written material will be easily understood even by an untrained reader.

Testing

Our portal presents the “Parental Attitude Questionnaire” test, authored by A.Ya. Varga and V.V. Stolin. The technique will help to diagnose the attitude towards the child, both father and mother. By attitude we need to understand a complex of influencing factors: the emotional component, rationalism and behavior.

Families have become very diverse. And this diversity can be equally likely to be healthy and functional, or dysfunctional. For example, such a concept as “ white marriage" when people decide they won't have sex with each other. Is this good or bad? Or an open marriage, when spouses can openly have relationships with other people. Is it good or bad? And there is also a deliberately childless marriage. There are also families where both parents work, and everything else, including children, is outsourced. Binuclear families have appeared, when after a divorce people continue to raise a child together, the new partners are in friendly contact with the old ones. If people feel good together, in any type of life arrangement, and no one makes unbearable internal compromises for the sake of togetherness, then today this is considered a functional family.

Thus, the first distinctive feature of the modern family is its diversity. The second important point is the disappearance of childhood. In addition to biological childhood (up to 5-7 years), there is the so-called socially constructed childhood: social ideas about who is considered a child, how children and adults differ, how to treat a child in the broadest sense, etc. Now social childhood is disappearing. This is a consequence of the global process of change in communication technologies. Therefore, the institution of education itself disappears - in its place comes the “raising” of a child. The child finds himself at the top of the family hierarchy - and as a result, both children and adults disappear from it. Because adults can only exist in it as a socially constructed category if there is childhood. All this leads to two negative consequences. Firstly, the family becomes child-centric (a child is born - married life disappears as a subsystem). The child begins to control everything, and this is bad for him - he becomes neurotic. He receives mutually exclusive information: on the one hand, he remains dependent on his parents in many ways (a small child cannot take care of himself, without adults outside the home he can simply die), on the other hand, in his family he is the king and god. Because of this, he does not have an adequate idea of his place in life, of his real capabilities.

When parents “serve” the child, do not set boundaries for him, and subordinate the life of the family to the children’s needs, they are deprived of such important function, as providing reliability and protection to the child. If adults are not the main ones in the family, then they are not protectors or support for the child. When you start working with such a family, you understand that, having built such an inverted hierarchy, they are not helpers for their child, and in general the therapeutic potential of such a family is very low. This is a very serious challenge for modern family therapy.

Systemic family psychotherapy training course (1991–1993, 400 hours)
Trainer and Supervisor - Hannah Weiner, AFTA Trainer and IFTA President
(Milan school)
Teaching M. Bowen theory (2001–2003)
Trainers and Supervisors - Katherine Baker and Peter Teitelman
(M. Bowen Center, Georgetown, Washington, USA)
Psychodrama training course (1991–1994, 600 hours)
Trainer and supervisor Goran Hochberg
(Scandinavian Academy of Psychodrama)

Achievements and awards

Gratitude from the Department of Psychology of the National Research University Higher School of Economics (December 2017)

Participation in the editorial boards of scientific journals

Since 2017: editor-in-chief of the journal “Psychology and Family Psychotherapy”.

Participation in professional associations

Member of the board of the ROO "Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists".
Member of the International Association of Family Therapists (IFTA).
Member of the Training Committee of the European Association of Family Therapists (EFTA-TIC)

Awards

Awarded by the American Association of Family Psychotherapists AAMFT and the AVANTA Society for the development of V. Satir’s theory in Russia ( USA, California, Annaheim, October 7, 1993)

Training courses (2018/2019 academic year)

(Bachelor's programme; where read: ; program "Psychology"; 3rd year, 1, 2 module)Rus
(Bachelor's programme; where read: ; program "Psychology"; 4th year, 1, 2 module)Rus
(Master’s programme; where read: ; program “Systemic Family Psychotherapy”; 1st year, 2-4 module)Rus
(Master’s programme; where read: ; program “Systemic family psychotherapy”; 2nd year, 2, 3 module)Rus
(Master’s programme; where read: ; program “Systemic Family Psychotherapy”; 1st year, 1-4 module)Rus

Is it possible to raise children “correctly”?

Online course "Is it possible to raise children correctly?" on "Coursera" - dedicated to systemic influences on the upbringing and development of a child in the family. Communication with the child and parenting styles in the nuclear family, features of the formation of the infant’s attachment to the mother or the caring adult are considered. The influence of socio-cultural factors is discussed. The purpose of the course is to show how raising and raising a child in a family is a complex process.

Grants

2002–2004 Grant from the Open Society Institute “College of Helping Specialists.”
Varga A.Ya.– responsible executor of the project.
Objective of the project: creation of a self-perpetuating system of professional support for non-governmental non-profit public organizations whose activities are aimed at providing assistance to people suffering from various types of violence.
Project objectives:
1. Ensuring, supporting and developing the interaction of professionals in the network by holding regular network thematic conferences, network supervision and organizing forums on a specially created project website with the involvement of experts, leading specialists in their fields of helping activities.
2. Implementation of face-to-face events for the interaction of professionals: exchange of experience, training, consultations difficult cases, conducting face-to-face training and seminars.
3. Creation and testing of a model of supervision of professional helping activities of NPOs by conducting regular modular supervision for Moscow organizations using the professional resource of the pool of experts of the Collegium;
4. Development of a model for organizing the interaction of young professionals with the third sector (training, internships, student volunteering, etc.).

1.Organized network training and advanced training of psychotherapists and consultants for working with families in 14 cities of Russia.
2.Organized and carried out 9 round tables in face-to-face and online modes.

2005–2008 Grant from the KAF Foundation - "Future for the children of Beslan."
Varga A.Ya.– direction coordinator.
Objective of the project: creating conditions for improving the psychological state of the population affected by terrorist attacks, social and man-made disasters. Various psychologically traumatic events, terrorist acts (airplane explosions, subway explosions, hostage takings), man-made disasters (the death of the Kursk submarine), shutdowns of city-forming industries in many regions of Russia (Shakhty, etc.) have become the norm of life in modern Russia. This has a noticeable effect on psychological state population. The latest tragedy, the hostage taking in Beslan, led to total post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) among the entire population of the city. Psychological assistance to victims of terror and disasters who have suffered from PTSD is extremely necessary. The creation of a modular socio-psychological service for working with families and children affected by terrorism and other disasters in Beslan will make it possible to extend the experience of its work to North Caucasus and other hot spots.
Project objectives:
Training psychologists in Beslan and Vladikavkaz to provide psychological assistance family and children.
Training in the development of educational technologies aimed at working with pedagogical and psychological staff of children's institutions in Beslan.
Results of the project:
During the year of project activity, a group of 12 people, psychologists and teachers in Beslan gained knowledge about systemic family psychotherapy and systemic play therapy.
They work in the Beslan hospital in the children's play center. They provide assistance to children and their parents who are victims of the tragedy.

Publications

2018 4

Chapter of the book Varga A. Ya., Fedorovich E. // In the book: Materials of the VIII International Scientific and Practical Conference " Psychological problems modern family". Ekaterinburg: [b.i.], 2018. P. 646-651.

Chapter of the book, Varga A. Ya., Chekalina E. S. // In the book: HIGH SCHOOL: EXPERIENCE, PROBLEMS, PROSPECTS. Materials of the XI International Scientific and Practical Conference. In 2 parts, Part 2. M.: RUDN Publishing House, 2018. P. 257-262.

2017 3

Chapter of the book Varga A. Ya., Novgorodova K. // In the book: From the individual to the system: counseling and psychotherapy. Vol. 2 / Under general ed.: . Vol. 2. M.: Pero Publishing House, 2017. P. 7-31.

Chapter of the book Varga A. Ya. // In the book: Psychological service of the university: reality and prospects: materials of the I All-Russian scientific and practical conference with international participation / Responsible. ed.: I. Umnyashova, . M.: National Research University Higher School of Economics, 2017. pp. 12-18.

2015 4

Chapter of the book by Varga A. Ya. // In the book: " graduate School: experience of problems, prospects". M.: RUDN Publishing House, 2015. P. 182-186.

Article by Varga A. Ya., Fedorovich E. Yu., Mitina O. V. // Bulletin of Moscow University. Episode 14: Psychology. 2015. T. 2. P. 77-93.

Article by Varga A.Ya., Fedorovich E.Yu. // Family psychology and family therapy. 2015. No. 1. P. 5-17.

2012 5

2002 3

Book Palazzoli M., Boscolo L., Cecchin G., Prata G. / Scientific. ed.: A. Y. Varga. M.: Kogito-center, 2002.

Chapter of the book by Varga A. Ya. // In the book: "Encyclopedia of Traditional Folk Medicine". M.: Soprichastnost', 2002. P. 489-491.

2000 3

Chapter of the book Varga A., Hamitova I., Sidorova V., in: XXII IFTA Family Therapy World Congress. , 2000.

Chapter of the book by Varga A. Ya. // In the book: Scientific and practical conference “Man and family: overcoming violence.” Gorbachev-Fond, 2000. pp. 14-18.

Chapter of the book by Varga A. Ya. // In the book: Main directions modern psychotherapy. M.: Kogito-center, 2000. P. 180-222.

Conferences

International conference on counseling psychology and psychotherapy, dedicated to the memory of Fyodor Vasilievich Vasilyuk (Moscow). Report: Dynamics of understanding interaction in the therapeutic process - towards ignorance
Psy-Higher: conference of young scientists Actual problems psychological science(Moscow). Report: "Beliefs about attachment relationships in people with different styles affection"
I All-Russian scientific-practical conference with international participation “University Psychological Service: Reality and Prospects” (Moscow). Report: Difficulties of working as a psychotherapist within organizations - alarming triangles
International practical conference 1.0. Psychology: challenges of our time (Moscow). Report: Master class “Marital problems - searching for solutions”
9th EFTA-TIC Meeting of Trainers (Athens). Report: Multigenerational Transmission process and Social Trauma
Colloquium on the works of G. Bateson: Pattern that Connects. (Moscow). Report: "Symmetric and complementary schismogenesis in dysfunctional families"
Bowen Theory Around the World”Pittsburgh, PA, USA, (Pittsburgh). Report: Bowen Theory Training in Moscow
Psychological problems of the modern family (Moscow). Report: Current trends in teaching psychological assistance to families.
Educational project for the premiere of the play "Nuremberg". (Moscow). Report: Trauma-centric families as a legacy of the 20th century
Psychological problems of the modern family (Moscow). Report: “Family crisis and animals - pets”.
Winter school of the National Research University Higher School of Economics (Moscow region). Report: What systemic family psychotherapy can do
International Congress “Integrative processes in major psychotherapy. Psychotherapy for healthy people. Spiritually oriented psychotherapy. (Moscow). Report: Current trends in modern family research. Integration into the practice of a systemic family psychotherapist
YIII international scientific and practical conference Higher school: experience, problems, prospects (Moscow). Report: "Plenary report. Teaching family psychotherapy to students - problems and challenges"
Meeting of the Public Chamber of Moscow " Psychological aspects social processes" (Moscow). Report: "The crisis of marriage as a response to the challenges of our time"
Master class of the Faculty of Social Sciences National Research University HSE (Moscow). Report: "Are marriages made in heaven?"
“Tools for Effective Training, Therapy and Research / EFTA-TIC. (Brussels). Report: Pets as elements of the Family System
"Psychological aspects of social processes", (Moscow). Report: "The crisis of marriage as a response to the challenges of our time"
"Teaching Heterosexual students how to work with same-sex couple." Joint with G. Budinaite. at the 4th Meeting of Trainers EFTA-TIC “Training in Family Therapy: Integrating Content, Form and Relationship” (Toulouse). Report: "Teaching Heterosexual students how to work with same-sex couple.
Mediterranean Scientific Conference "Multimodal Therapy and Culture: Two Ways of Understanding Consciousness" (Bari). Report: “Systemic therapy in working with trauma. Situation in Russia. Beslan experience"
XIV World Congress on Family Therapy of the International Association of Family Therapy (Istanbul). Report: "Experience of Advanment of Systemic Family Psychotherapy within the Network Project of the Society of Russian Consultants and Psychotherapists “Collegium of Assisting Specialists"
International Congress "Psychotherapy and counseling of family, personality, society." (Moscow). Report: "Typical prejudices of Russian family psychotherapists"
International Scientific and Practical Conference “Family is Hope” tomorrow" (Moscow). Report: "Systemic factors of marital stability"
Annual Congress of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League (Moscow). Report: "Betrayal: is it always a trauma?"
12th conference of the International Association of Family Psychotherapists (Oslo). Report: "Disorders of maternal behavior and peculiarities of perception of the infant"
X International Conference in Memory of Archpriest Alexander Men (Moscow). Report: "The influence of alcoholism on the dynamics of family life"
scientific and practical Conference in memory of Raisa Maksimovna Gorbacheva “Man and family: overcoming violence” (Moscow). Report: "Reluctant Rapists"

Organization of conferences:

International scientific and practical conference "Possibilities of systemic psychotherapy in the era of terror and violence"
Chairman of the Organizing Committee
21.09.2006 - 24.09.2006

Institute Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis;

Professional Psychotherapeutic League;

with the support of the Institute of Tolerance and the CAF Foundation.

Scientific and practical conference "Modern field of family psychotherapy"
Chairman of the Organizing Committee
23.09.2018 - 24.09.2018
Russian Federation, Moscow

The organizers of the conference were:

Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists;

Master's program "Systemic family psychotherapy" National Research University Higher School of Economics.

Participation in conferences:

"E-learning Stakeholders Researchers Summit. HSE and Coursera"
5.12.2018 - 6.12.2018
Russian Federation, Moscow

"Psychological problems of the modern family"
Head of the Section "Pets in the context of family relationships"
3.10.2018 - 6.10.2018
Russian Federation, Moscow

"10th EFTA-TIC Meeting of Trainers “ΤΗΕ ΤΙΜΕΣ ΤΗΕΥ ARE A-CHANGING”: CREATIVITY IN SYSTEMIC TRAINING TODAY"
6.10.2017 - 8.10.2017
Malta, Valletta

"8th Congress EFTA Opportunities in a time of Crisis: The Role of the Family"
24.10.2013 - 27.10.2013
Türkiye, Istanbul

"Training and Research: Fostering Resilient Systems"
21.09.2012 - 23.09.2012
Macedonia, Ohrid

“Getting married means no harm, no matter how much you get married,” says popular wisdom. Why is everything so often difficult in family life? Why do problems arise in the family? And are there, after all, ways to make your family life happy? We asked these questions to a wonderful family psychotherapist Anna Yakovlevna Barge.

Anna Yakovlevna Varga - psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences, Member of the International Family Therapy Association, Member of the European Association of Psychotherapists (E European Association of Psychotherapists), Chairman of the Board of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists, Head of the Department of Systemic Family Psychotherapy of STIs:

Why do people start families? Why is it so necessary and natural for a person to live with someone and share his destiny with him?

Anna Barga: It seems to me that this is a “species-specific” feature of humans. Man is a “herd animal.” At all times and in any culture, people lived in groups, clans, tribes, teips, tribes, communities and, in particular, families. Like any primates, humans suffer from loneliness, but they feel good together with others like themselves. Family is simply a type of a person’s instinctive desire to be in a community. At the same time, people are not monogamous and not monoandric, so to speak. The options for family structure are numerous - one man, a couple, three women, children who have more than one mother - this is a Muslim family. One man - one woman, common children - a classic Christian family. Husband, wife, children until a certain point, then the man leaves and lives separately - a variant of the Hindu family. Ethnologists described societies where a family consists of one woman and her several husbands. Nowadays, the types of families are rapidly changing: a binary family - when mom and dad are divorced, they live with other partners, there are children from old relationships, from new relationships, children are not abandoned. Homosexual family with adopted children, childless family.

They say that the choice of a spouse is often very logical. What is this logic?

Anna Barga: All people have certain psychological needs that they “plan” to realize in close relationships. It is clear that this is not a cold calculation that is appropriate for the implementation of material needs. This is some kind of premonition, a psychoanalyst would say that these are unconscious needs. If a person, communicating with another, understands that his psychological needs are being met to a certain extent, then he strives for this relationship, is happy, calms down and etc. Love is born, but the answer to the next question is about it. Here I want to give a couple of examples of this logic of choice. A simple logic that occurs often, but rarely gives a good result: find a person who will save you from loneliness. To be sure of this, you need to find a person who will really need you and will never leave you. Who could it be? The one for whom you will be an enviable trump partner. And if you are not confident in yourself, then a person will be suitable for this role, whom you will consider much worse than yourself, a complete “wimp”. So, we take one “little thing” and do her or him honor. This is where the story about the logic of the “sniff” begins. She is exactly the same, symmetrical. Only this “bastard” considers himself trump card, and his partner as a “creep”. This is a union of people who are looking for salvation from loneliness, have a lack of self-confidence and distrust of people. They are together, but they do not respect each other, and each believes that they have done honor to the other. Love in this case degenerates into a struggle for power and a solution to the question of who is the real bastard. By the way, such unions can be very strong, but unhappy.

Another common and simple logic: find someone who will help you separate from your parents. The main thing here is to understand that your partner is too much for your parents. The parameters may be different - for example, you are looking for a person who will not save you, will not get scared, and will not start sucking up to your mom and dad. It often seems that this person will be found in a different social layer. Or much older, or demanding and scandalous, jealous. And this partner, in order to fulfill his purpose, must also have “complementary” needs - for example, the desire to realize himself as a savior. He helps to separate from his parents due to the fact that he sees the parents of his beloved or loved one as monsters who offend and use the unfortunate person. In general, he is first an agent of separation, and then, over time, a despot and tyrant. If separation has begun, then you can divorce him or her, not return to your parents, and release another psychological need onto the stage of life. In fact, there are a lot of such logics, and it’s fun to calculate them.

If there is logic, does that mean there is no love?

Anna Barga: No, that doesn’t mean it. It's just a different plane of life. Love is a certain ability of a person to give, in the broad sense of the word, to care, to experience tender warm feelings and to admire. Love is a non-specific feeling, it can be directed at many - at children, at friends, at parents, at spouses, etc. When relationships arise, psychological needs begin to be realized. People feel good with each other, the eyes are happy, the body enjoys, anxiety goes away, trust grows - then a person can direct his ability in this direction love. Here's love for you.

Why does family life suddenly crack?

Anna Barga: Never suddenly. The crack appears gradually. Negative feelings accumulate: anger, resentment, suffering. They happen in every close relationship. They can destroy family life if the spouses are unable to understand these feelings, the history of their appearance, etc. communicate and make decisions that will reduce the reasons and causes. There are certain gradations here: let’s say one of the couple is offended and angry, but hides it. Cracks cannot be avoided, because, as we know, trauma begins with silence. He will be traumatized, and the first thing that will suffer is sexual relationships, because they react very sensitively to everything. Then the relationship in general deteriorates.

A possible step towards constructiveness: a person talks about his negative emotions. Let's say he is very enlightened, speaks without reproach, doesn't slam doors, doesn't scandalize. Such a normal, thoughtful conversation is taking place. During this conversation, the one who suffered receives consolation, understanding, and is convinced that there was no malice. That's it, there won't be any cracks.

It also happens that people have discussed everything, decided, but are faced with an insoluble contradiction:

I’m jealous of your child, I don’t want you to devote so much time and effort to him.

I understand everything, but I can’t do it the way you want.

Here a crack is not necessary. Marriage is full of insoluble contradictions. The main thing is to see them, record them and move on. The compensation system works well. “You spend a lot of time on children, I suffer from this, but it will be easier for me if:

a) one evening a week we will go to a restaurant; b) a couple of additional sparkling sexual acts, etc.” It is very important that the one who is hurt and suffering takes the responsibility to understand what his partner can do to ease the suffering. If the position is different: you offended me, let’s try, redeem and make amends - then there will be a crack.

Why some people manage to be happy in marriage, and some don’t. Is it a matter of luck?

Anna Barga: No, it's not a matter of luck. This is a matter of subjective assessment. People may consider themselves happy in marriage, despite the fact that at a prying glance

their life may look cloudless. The criteria for a successful marriage are different.

There is an immutable criterion: people get along well with each other if:

they like to spend time together more than apart, they often simultaneously experience pleasure in the broadest sense of the word, they know a lot about each other and do not regret In this case, they like to present themselves as a couple in society.

This state of relationship is achieved in different ways, but there is something universal here too - good couples talk to each other about the conflict itself without fear or doubt. They do not regret this time and achieve compromises, no matter how much effort it requires. They are open and sincere with each other and know that their partner will cope with any information without damaging the relationship, with the exception of information that implies the destruction of the relationship clear contract.

For example, if the psychological marriage contract includes a clause on marital fidelity, then information about cheating can be dangerous for the relationship.

What are the most common problems in marriage?

Anna Barga: Everything that arises during the transition from one stage of the family life cycle to another.

Is it possible to do something in advance to prevent these problems?

Anna Varga: No, it’s impossible. These problems are normal for a marriage, like chicken pox is for

Is it worth going to a psychologist if your family has problems?

Anna Varga: Of course, and right away. Then there will be no pockmarks left, only smooth skin.