The trauma of the abandoned - how to recognize and heal it. The trauma of the abandoned - the mask of the addict - oral type. Typology of characters according to Liz Bourbo and Alexander Lowen's bioenergetic analysis

We all come from childhood. And every event that took place at a seemingly unintelligent age left an indelible imprint on the personality of each of us. Such harmless, at first glance, childhood resentments, fears and small tragedies develop into large adult complexes and negatively affect our adult life. Let's see which of the possible childhood traumas are most common, what effect do they have on our personality? Can we get rid of them on our own by discovering in our behavior the consequences of childhood trauma as adults?

Trauma of the Rejected

A child who experiences serious difficulties in relationships with a parent of the same sex or is rejected by this parent, in adulthood often continues to behave like a person rejected by society, hiding his fears and complexes under the guise of a fugitive. The rejected person is wary of increased attention from others, not understanding how to react to it. A person with a rejection complex suffers from severely low self-esteem - he absolutely does not put himself in anything, trying to behave in such a way as to appear as inconspicuous as possible - as a rule, simply escaping from relationship problems.

The only way to healing for the rejected is to do things that will give him significance in the eyes of others and, as a result, in his own. Only by asserting himself more and more does the rejected begin to feel comfortable in society, gets rid of the mask of a fugitive and ceases to seek solitude.

Forsaken trauma

Due to misunderstanding between the child and the parent of the opposite sex, an abandoned complex is formed. The abandoned seeks to constantly receive moral support from people nearby. Often, in order to achieve a sympathetic attitude towards themselves, the abandoned man manipulates loved ones, portraying the victim. A person who was not accepted by one of his parents in childhood experiences acute emotional hunger and becomes dependent on the attention of others. Not feeling important enough, the addict tries to get attention by any means necessary.

A person with a trauma of abandonment may feel that they are on the path to healing if they learn to be comfortable with themselves and feel self-sufficient, regardless of anyone's attention. A good therapy will be an attempt to independently realize your plans and ideas, without waiting for outside help.

The Trauma of the Humiliated

The feeling of shame that the child did not live up to the expectations of the parents or the fear that the parents are ashamed of him contributes to the formation of the humiliated complex. The child feels that he is not good enough, smart or talented enough for his father and mother. To remedy the situation, the kid tries to prove that he can be counted on and becomes executive and hyper-responsible, taking on a lot of work. Often, a person who developed a humiliated complex in childhood, trying to please everyone, feeling himself used and believes that his services were not appreciated.

In order to heal the trauma of the downtrodden, he would do well to try to put his needs and desires first. You don't have to put other people's problems on your shoulders. A humiliated person should try to feel like a free person, not creating limits and restrictions for himself, not embarrassed to make requests to others, and not just fulfill them. A person suffering from a humiliated complex needs to work on self-esteem until he stops feeling annoying and unnecessary.

Trauma of a devotee

The child experiences the feeling of being betrayed whenever the parents abuse his trust or do not keep the promises made to him. The devotee complex makes the child hide his resentment under the guise of controlling everything and everyone. Such a person becomes very demanding both to himself and to the people around him. Those suffering from a devotee complex approach any task with increased responsibility and expect the same from others. The very thought of a possible betrayal is very painfully perceived.

To heal from the trauma of betrayal, a person needs to relax and not put a flawless result at the forefront. Then the devotee will be able to get rid of the manic desire for everything to go only according to his plan and take off the mask of controlling both his own actions and the actions of everyone around.

Trauma survivor of injustice

A child suffering from what he thinks is an unfair relationship of one of the
parents, in adulthood hides his resentment under the guise of rigidity, driving himself into a rigid framework. A kid who has to endure constant remarks and nit-picking from a strict parent experiences discomfort, deprived of the opportunity to be himself. Having experienced injustice in childhood, having matured, he strives for perfection in everything, leaving himself no room for error.

Forgiving himself small weaknesses and imperfections, the rigid one gets a chance to heal from the injury of the unjustly offended. As you get rid of the complex of the survivor of injustice, a person will feel able to show sensitivity and weakness in the presence of other people, without being ashamed or afraid of their condemnation.

Getting rid of mental trauma, a person acquires emotional independence. He no longer depends on anyone, clearly understands his desires and is not afraid to take actions to implement them, easily seeks help and adequately accepts both consent and refusal. In a person who has recovered from complexes, a lot of energy is released, which he previously spent on masking pain. Now this energy can be directed in a more positive direction - namely, the realization of your dreams.

Unfortunately, quite often it happens that when trying to find out the reason for a person’s failures in adult life, it turns out that he is characterized by more than one psychological trauma, but several at once. So, often the trauma of the outcast turns out to be an invariable companion of the trauma of the abandoned, and these two concepts should not be confused, because, for all their similarity, they still mean quite different psychological states.

How does the trauma of the abandoned occur?
Unlike the trauma of the rejected, which can be inflicted on an infant even before its physical birth, the trauma of the abandoned is acquired and, unfortunately, it is inflicted by the people closest to the child - his parents. Now many will start protesting, arguing that this fact is impossible and that neither mom nor dad can knowingly harm their child. However, this statement does not require proof, since years of observation allow us to draw unambiguous conclusions, and having become familiar with the prerequisites due to which the indicated psychological problem arises, each of the parents will be surprised to notice that such a thing really happened in their family. So the first thing to take for granted is that you don't have to be a bad parent for a child to have the trauma of being abandoned. It’s a paradox, but most often it appears in the children of those who try too zealously to fulfill parental responsibilities, because the following events provoke it:

Too little time spent with the child due to the busy work schedule of the parents. It is this reason that causes the most controversy, because, in fact, parents are trying for the child. But, unfortunately, this is not yet clear to him, but he feels abandoned right now.

The appearance of a second child. The fact that a newborn requires more care and attention is a common misconception. Surprising as it may sound, it is still better to try to devote more time to the older child, or try to distribute it fairly. It is great if other family members are involved in the process.

Arises psychological trauma abandoned and in those cases when the child remains for a long time himself in a non-home environment. It can be a hospital where parents are not allowed to be near the baby, all kinds of relatives who leave children, etc. By the way, it is in this case that the trauma of the rejected one often joins the trauma of the abandoned one, because the child still cannot understand whether they have given him away for a while or are trying to get rid of him forever.

What happens to the child next?
All children grow up, of course. But along with them grow those complexes and problems that are characteristic of them. What happens to a child who feels abandoned? Of course, he is trying his best to attract attention. Moreover, he does this in a very peculiar way: rightly believing that for his parents his health still matters, he plays precisely on this. Growing up, he stops inventing diseases for himself, but here another way of attracting attention appears.
Looking at your surroundings, you can easily find in it a person with the trauma of the abandoned: those events that the other person simply does not pay attention to, the abandoned dramatizes to the scale of universal misfortune. Remember the people whose number of problems you have always wondered about - these are the abandoned ones. Moreover, they themselves are not inclined to dramatize the current situation, because they are very impressed that a whole support group rushes to solve problems for them.
Further more. The abandoned one becomes dependent on the support of others. Now this is an adult (physically) person who has never made a single independent decision in his life, simply because he does not know how to do it! He is so used to the fact that everyone around him helps him that he does not try to solve even the most elementary everyday issues, not to mention more global ones.

The consequences of the trauma of the abandoned
Most often, people who have not been identified and eliminated in a timely manner psychological trauma abandoned, unable to achieve success in life. Firstly, from the outside they seem extremely lazy (this impression is created due to the inability to work alone), so a rare employer will agree to keep such an employee.
Another huge problem of such a person is a misperception of the attitude of others. He is inclined to perceive any support as the love of others, but when, nevertheless, sooner or later the realization comes that he was simply helped to solve the problem, but at the same time there was no talk of any personal relationships, the trauma only gets worse.
Among other things, such people are easy to calculate by the fact that they will never take a single decisive step. Even if they are explained in detail what is required of them, they will ask so many questions that the person who gave the task will not be too happy and will either entrust it to someone more efficient, or prefer to do everything himself.
As for the emotional state, a person with an abandoned trauma is very often sad. Moreover, interestingly, no one knows the nature of this sadness, even he himself, but her attacks are so strong that thoughts of suicide appear, so if among your environment there is a person who can be suspected of having an abandoned person, try to explain to him the need for psychological help .

Dependent. The trauma of the abandoned.
If the fugitive is afraid of intimacy and runs away from relationships, then the addict tolerates any relationship, just not to be alone.
If it is important for the rejected person to be accepted as he is, then for the abandoned one it is important that they are physically present with him.
That is, this trauma is felt by a child when a mother takes care of a newborn baby, parents go to work or go on vacation without him, when the baby goes to the hospital alone without parents, when someone close to him dies (grandmother, brother, parents), when dad insufficiently in the opinion of the child plays with him and pays attention to him.
That is, we are talking about physical separation.
The addict is sure that he cannot achieve anything in life on his own, that he needs the help of outsiders.
When I felt this trauma after the birth of my daughter, I had a weakness in my body, I seemed to say that you see, I really can’t physically live without you, I can’t cope, come home from work early.
The muscles of the body seem to become weak, as if a person needs support all the time to lean on, sometimes he literally stands propping up the wall, otherwise (according to sensations) it’s hard for him to stand straight for a long time or sit or walk.
This injury is by far the most appropriate definition of "victim". They love to create problems for themselves, especially with health! To draw attention to yourself. They always lack the attention of others. Often everything dramatizes, especially in relationships. He said in the wrong voice what you meant, why don't you talk to me))
When someone doesn't call, it's a tragedy for them.
But being abandoned is much more painful for him than living through all these showdowns in relationships and solving health issues. It's his way of getting attention.
Even if the addict has his own opinion, he still asks the advice of other people.
They doubt themselves and their decision when they don't feel supported by the other person. They need someone to say that they support them.
Of course, this interferes with your own realization of your personality (And if you don’t wait for anyone’s words of support, then it means you won’t do what you want?) And over time, it irritates those around you. Addicts, like vampires, keep asking and asking for attention, and it’s always not enough for them.
Addicts do not like to leave, they do not like when vacations, summer, relationships, walks, evenings, some kind of holiday end. After all, this means that now you have to physically part with your lover or friends.
He prefers to be led in relationships and believes that if he does well on his own, then other people will leave him completely and say, you can do it yourself, now you always do everything yourself)
Dislikes when someone ends a conversation or a date.
If the fugitive runs away, prefers loneliness, then the abandoned one tends to fall into co-dependent relationships, needs constant support, attention and the presence of someone nearby.
Painfully perceives failures, causes pity, sometimes joyful, sometimes sad.
At the same time, they themselves often leave someone) So the spouse is offended when the husband took an apple and did not give it to her, while when he takes an apple for himself, he may not give it to others. Or he can lie on the couch, but can not stand it when her husband does the same)
They are only interested in attention, appeal only to them.
Often there are many famous personalities among them, because in this way they can get attention to their person.
“I can’t stand being treated badly, I’m ready to do anything to remove the situation.”
Women can fake an orgasm and be submissive in every possible way, so long as a man does not leave her.
They can devote themselves to children, just not to be left alone with themselves.
Back pains, migraines, depressions, tantrums, "incurable" illnesses are the fate of the unhealed trauma of the abandoned.
This trauma is often an insult to the parent of the opposite sex, who did not pay attention, was not there when he was needed, etc.
Or there was even too much attention, but not of the quality that you wanted. Dad loved, but didn't say exactly the words you wanted. And in adulthood, this is copied to the husband - which does not do exactly what is important to you. And it brings suffering.
You can heal this trauma completely in the course "Healing of deep traumas"

Those who carry the trauma of the abandoned are constantly experiencing emotional hunger. Lack of physical nutrition can cause the same injury - usually it occurs before the age of two. In an attempt to hide this trauma from himself, the human being creates the mask of an addict.

Of the five different types of traumatized, the addict is the most likely to become a victim. It is very likely that one of his parents - and possibly both - were also victims. A victim is a person who always tends to create problems for himself - primarily health problems - in order to attract attention to himself. This responds to the needs of the addict, who constantly feels like he is being given too little attention. When he seems to be trying in every way to get attention, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to get support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him. This phenomenon is clearly seen in addicts when they are still very young. A dependent child wants to be sure that if he does something wrong, then someone will definitely help him out of trouble.

Such a person overdramatizes everything; the slightest incident with her assumes gigantic proportions. If, for example, a husband does not call his wife and say that he will come home late, she assumes the worst and does not understand why he did not call and make her suffer so much. Looking at a person who behaves like a victim, you sometimes wonder how he manages to create so many problems for himself. But the addict himself does not see a big problem in these problems: they bring him the most valuable gift - the attention of other people. So he manages not to feel abandoned. After all, being abandoned for him is incomparably more painful than experiencing the problems he himself created. Only another addict can truly understand this. The more obvious the victim looks like a person, the more severe his trauma, the trauma of the abandoned.

I established another pattern: the victim very often and willingly plays the role of a savior. For example, the addict seeks to take on fatherly responsibilities to his siblings, or seeks an opportunity to save someone he loves from trouble. These are more subtle ways to attract attention. On the other hand, if the addict does a lot of services to another person, then he usually counts on compliments, he wants to feel like an important person. Such a desire often becomes the cause of back diseases, since other people's duties are thrown on it.

The addict has periods of ups and downs. For a while he feels happy, everything is going well, and then suddenly he becomes sad and unhappy. He even asks himself why this is happening, because changes happen for no apparent reason. With a good search, he may discover his fear and loneliness.

Support from other people is the form of help that the addict needs most. Regardless of whether it is difficult or easy for him to make decisions on his own, he usually first turns to others, asking for their opinion or approval. He needs a sense of support in his decisions. Because of this, it may seem that people of this type find it difficult to decide on something specific, but in fact they doubt their decision only in cases where they do not feel supported. Their expectations of others depend on how those others can help them. In any case, real physical help is not as important for the addict as the feeling of support for his deeds and intentions from the other person. When he is supported, he perceives it as help and love.

The addict may appear lazy due to the fact that he does not like to be active or physically work alone; he needs someone's presence, if only for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects affection in return. If his expectations are justified and a pleasant relationship develops, he tries to prolong this state. When the joint work ends, he says: "What a pity that it ended." He perceives the end of something pleasant as if he had been abandoned.

A dependent personality with victim traits, especially a woman, tends to ask a lot of questions and often has a childish timbre of voice. This is evident in those situations when she asks for help; she has difficulty accepting refusal and usually insists on her request. The more she suffers, having received a refusal, the more persistently she seeks means to achieve her goal, uses manipulation, capriciousness, blackmail, etc.

The addict often seeks advice because he is not confident in his ability to complete the task on his own, but he rarely listens to the advice he receives. In the end, he does as he himself wanted, because, in fact, he needed not advice, but support. When he walks with other people, he lets them go ahead, as he prefers to be led. He believes that if he does his job well himself, then no one else will do it, and then isolation, loneliness will come, and he wants to avoid this at any cost.

Loneliness really scares the addict more than anything else. He is convinced that he cannot cope with loneliness. Therefore, he clings to others and does everything in order to win their attention. He resorts to all kinds of tricks, if only he was loved, if only he was not left alone. For the sake of this, he endures the most painful situations for a long time and patiently. His fear is expressed by such thoughts: “What am I going to do alone? What will happen to me? How can I be? He is often torn apart by internal conflicts, because, on the one hand, he requires a lot of attention, and on the other hand, he is afraid to demand it, as this can burden and annoy others, and then they will leave him. The addict is judged by how he endures prolonged suffering, and it is concluded that he loves this suffering. In fact, he does not accept them. Look at a woman who is beaten by her husband or who lives with an alcoholic. Most likely, it is easier for her to endure this nightmare than to remain alone. She lives in hope, emotional, illusory hope. She does not acknowledge her trauma: if she acknowledged it, she would be forced to re-experience the suffering that this trauma represents.

The addicted person has the most powerful ability to see no problem in their partner. She prefers to assume that everything is in order, as she is afraid of being abandoned. If a partner announces that he is leaving her, she suffers incredibly, because, not wanting to see problems, she did not expect this. If this is your case, if you see that you are clinging, fawning out of fear of being alone, give yourself support. Find some mental image, imagine something that supports you. Do not give up when moments of despair come and it seems that no one can help you. Yes, sometimes it happens that there is no way out, but there is always a way out. If you can give yourself support, the light will appear and you will find a way out.

Sadness is the strongest of the emotions that an addict has to experience. He feels it in the most hidden depths of the soul, unable to understand or explain where it comes from. In order not to feel this sadness, he seeks the company of other people. But it can also go to the other extreme - to retire, to leave a person or situation that causes sadness and a feeling of loneliness in him. He does not realize that he himself is leaving someone. In moments of crisis, he can reach the thought of suicide. As a rule, he only talks about it, trying to scare others, but does not get to the point, since, in essence, he is only looking for support, sympathy. If he does attempt suicide, it is unsuccessful. But if, after several attempts, no one sympathizes with him and does not support him, he can really commit suicide.

The addict is afraid of all bosses and powerful people. People with an imperious voice or imperious manners seem to him cold and indifferent, and they do not seem to notice him, insignificant, at all. For the same reason, he is very kind and friendly with others, sometimes even excessively and forcedly. He hopes that through this behavior, others will become friendly and considerate, and not cold and arrogant.

The addict feels a need for the presence and attention of others, but does not notice how often he refuses others what he requires for himself. He loves, for example, to sit in an armchair and read a book, but he cannot stand it when his wife (husband) does the same. He likes to go somewhere alone, to retire, but if a person close to him does the same, he feels abandoned and unhappy. He thinks, "Of course, I'm not important enough to take me with you." Just as painfully, he experiences a situation when he is not invited to any meeting or meeting, where, for all reasons, they should have been invited; he experiences deep despondency - he was abandoned, no one needs him.

If you see the trauma of being abandoned, then I must remind you that this wound was activated by your parent of the opposite sex and that every person of the opposite sex continues to stir it up. And a completely natural and human reaction is your anger at your parent and other persons of the opposite sex. I will repeat here what is written in many of my other books:

As long as we continue to be angry with a parent (even unconsciously), our relationships with people of the same gender as that parent will continue to be difficult.

Liz Burbo "Five Injuries"