That can change a person a lot. Influencing change in another person

Perhaps one of the most common and dangerous human misconceptions about a person is the belief that one cannot change oneself, one's personality. This belief rests on the conviction that there are qualities, abilities, tastes, habits and shortcomings assigned to us that are the essence of our personality and cannot be changed. Often heard “Well, I’m such a person (lazy, without certain abilities, necessary qualities, etc.) I can’t do it differently and there’s nothing to be done about it”. Many people think so and carry this belief all their lives.

So is it possible to change your personality? If yes, then how can you change yourself?

Can you change yourself?

Or, indeed, a person is something imperishable and unchanging, and all the metamorphoses that can occur in it are, so to speak, cosmetic and do not concern its essence. I am sure that you can change yourself and for the better: get rid of personal shortcomings, acquire and develop certain qualities, change your character ...

Everyone can, if he wants, be transformed beyond recognition: overcome "natural" cowardice and shyness, becoming a strong character and confident, moderate the tendency to anxiety and worries, gaining strong nerves and equanimity. Yesterday's timid and downtrodden young man can become a sociable and young man, simply by making some effort.

And it would be a mistake to believe that this young man has shyness and isolation in his blood and that he is "by nature" clamped and not adapted to communication. This mistake, this delusion is not harmless, from a practical point of view, in nature, such as the delusion that Singapore is the capital of Africa (of course, provided that you do not pass the final exams in geography at the institute, and if you fail, you will not waiting for a lot of unforgettable experiences in the vast expanses of our country as part of an army unit).

This false belief is much more dangerous than a harmless geographical one, because, believing that you cannot change yourself, you give up, you are afraid to make efforts to work on yourself and you live with your shortcomings that prevent you from living and poison the life of those around you. of people.

Why am I so sure that can you change yourself?

Firstly, the human species is naturally equipped with a strong adaptive potential, the ability to change, adjusting to the conditions of the surrounding reality. This makes a person flexible and makes it possible to change either under external influence or by controlling the conscious efforts of the will from within, commensurating this effort with the internal need to change the personality. (in the context of this resource, we are interested in the latter, namely the conscious control of how we will change and whether we will change at all. We ourselves want to decide what we become? Right?)

Secondly, there are many examples of how people have changed either for the worse or for the better. One such example is myself, the author of these lines. I managed to overcome internal resistance and become more self-confident, disciplined, organized and sociable.

This has manifested itself in an improvement in the quality of my life and the realization of significant life achievements. But before, I also considered laziness, a tendency to worries and depression, cowardice, shyness, the inability to control oneself and control one’s feelings, as inherently my enduring qualities and did not believe in the possibility of changing them.

It seemed to me that I am who I am and will remain so. Reality showed that I was wrong: I coped with depression and anxiety and panic attacks without any pills or treatment, my mathematical abilities improved (I used to think that I didn’t have them at all) even my musical tastes changed (not just changed, but greatly expanded) and much more, this list can be continued for a very long time.

The value of fighting yourself

So I will insist that the reader of these lines, instead of destroying himself by believing in the immutability of his personality, still takes and tries to work on himself and change. Even if he fails to become what he wants, his efforts will still be rewarded. Since the struggle and attempts to cope with the internal resistance that is sure to arise along the way, if you want to change yourself, always pays off!

Acting in spite of resistance, against your weaknesses and ingrained habits, you train your will and temper your character. The degree of control over your feelings increases and a sober understanding of what is happening inside you and what guides you comes!

And exactly the opposite. An individual who is used to seeing himself as a collection of unchanging characteristics, habits, shortcomings and pathologies always follows his character and weaknesses. It remains as it is.

His will is not tempered in the fight against feelings, he is controlled by his Ego, fears and complexes. Every day he capitulates to them: his will weakens, and the true essence begins to fade behind the abundance of shortcomings and habits.

Internal struggle and resistance and their value is the core of my system of self-development and self-improvement. The value of these things is not only of an instrumental nature (that is, not necessarily only a means to achieve a certain goal: the fight against complexes in order to defeat them), but they also carry great value in themselves. I will write more about this more than once.

Can personality change?

You must understand that your true identity is not a multitude of habits, fruits of upbringing and childhood traumas. All this is just tinsel and habits of the mind and senses!. This is acquisitive, i.e. appeared as you become and will also disappear as soon as you want to: after all, all this is not written in your genes. Personality is a dynamic, constantly changing concept, and not something predetermined forever!

Well, of course, there are some natural limitations, innate inclinations, etc. Something that you will not affect in any way, and I understand this very well. At the same time, I see a general need to exaggerate the number of those personality factors that supposedly cannot be influenced.

What is simply an acquired flaw, manifested as a result of laziness and unwillingness to do something, is mistakenly perceived by many as a natural and once and for all determined property of a person! Perhaps this is just a psychological ploy designed to write off responsibility for one's character from a person.

This is the same blatant delusion as "congenital illiteracy"! (Well, think about how it can be innate? We are all born without knowing the language, our first words are the simplest syllables “MAMA”, “PAPA”) In fact, many properties of our being, which we fundamentally cannot influence due to natural, There are far fewer natural restrictions than we are all used to thinking.

And you yourself will be convinced of this when, as a result of your self-development, you experience many positive personal metamorphoses that will affect those of your qualities that you previously considered rooted in you forever.

My experience of personal metamorphoses

I myself managed to overcome many internal negative character traits that have bothered me since childhood and would continue to bother me and spoil my life (and I was a very weak and sickly child, and then a young man and had many shortcomings (and now I have them, but much less). It is a pity that I did not pay attention to them even then and did not start working on myself, having secured the confidence that I was able to cope with it.

And the practice only confirmed my confidence, giving me a valuable result both in terms of developing my inner potential, and in the context of improving the factors of external comfort and order (relationships with people, financial situation, life achievements, etc.), as a reflection of personality changes.

Usually those who say “I am such a person and will remain such” have never tried to do something with themselves and change for the better. Then how do they know that nothing can be done?

How to change yourself? This is a big question and almost all the materials of this site will be devoted to this. After all, self-development and self-improvement imply changes in oneself, and this is always the case. Therefore, this article is simply an attempt to break down a well-established misconception and call for action and may give hope to someone that you can change yourself. And you can find specific recommendations now and later as they are published on the pages of this site - the topic is very extensive.

Is it unnatural to change for the better?

Once I ran into such an objection. “They say, yes, you can change yourself, but why do it? Isn't this unnatural? You are who you are, why show violence against a person?
I asked counter questions: “Well, what do you think shaped your personality, what factors influenced its formation? Why are you the way you are now? It must be due to upbringing, parents, social circle and some innate parameters (heredity, natural predispositions, etc.).

Basically, all these factors are random, those that you could not influence. After all, parents are not chosen and the social circle is also not always. Not to mention heredity and genes. So it turns out that the development of you as a person under the influence of external, arbitrary factors that do not depend much on your will, you consider natural.

And attempts to consciously influence your character and habits, based on an understanding of who you want to become and the formation of what qualities in you meets your goals - does this mean it is unnatural? To follow the lead of external circumstances, attributing everything to the mercy of chance ...

What is so right and natural in this? And why is conscious work on oneself, changing oneself for the better in order to achieve happiness and harmony, is this perceived as violence against oneself?

On the contrary, by determining the vector of self-development on your own, you bring the order into your life that you yourself desire and do not allow external circumstances to completely decide what you will be like. This brings you closer to the implementation of your life plan, to satisfaction with yourself, your life and your environment, which you yourself choose, and not content with what external circumstances have imposed on you.

As for the question “why change yourself?”. I answer it, perhaps, in most of my articles in an explicit and implicit form. I will answer again. Self-development is a dynamic process of continuous improvement of all the best human qualities.

The best and worst qualities of a person

By the best qualities, I mean those qualities of nature that correspond to considerations of personal comfort and happiness, harmonious relationships with people, success in life, overcoming difficulties, inner peace, order of thought, health, willpower and spiritual freedom.

Bad qualities are those that make us suffer, get angry, torn in internal contradictions, make our lives difficult and poison the lives of others, make us sickly, dependent on passions and desires, morally and physically weak.

Developing good qualities and freeing yourself from bad qualities, you strive for happiness and freedom, doing the opposite, you fly into the abyss of suffering and dependence. Self-development implies the first. When you develop the best properties of your nature, you change, as new abilities appear in you and old shortcomings disappear. This is the meaning of self-development in these positive personal metamorphoses.

That, in fact, is all, no tricky philosophy or relative morality, everything rests on your personal happiness and harmony, and not on some abstract ideas. This is what I want you to strive for and what this site is all about.

I have already said what a terrible mistake it is to believe in the impossibility of changing oneself. But even more dangerous thing is the lack of need to change something in yourself. Many believe that they are already the crowns of creation, the most worthy representatives of the human species, and they have seen all sorts of sites of self-development in the coffin.

It really happens that a person is really very developed, but most often he falls into the trap of his pride and pride, believing that he has nowhere to develop, because almost always there is an opportunity to move somewhere and improve something.

And besides, very often education and upbringing are not able to fully develop personal potential (and can even harm somewhere), leaving behind a lot of gaping gaps, undiscovered abilities, hidden anxieties and complexes within the structure of individuality.

Therefore, in almost all cases, it is necessary to make efforts in order to make something out of yourself: after all, few people are so lucky that their educators and parents were able to give the leap necessary for harmonious development and solve all the internal problems and contradictions that arise.

If you're wondering can you change yourself?, then you recognize the presence of such properties in yourself that need to be changed and do not consider yourself an ideal and a dead end of development and everything is not so scary, you are taking the first steps towards self-development, standing on the threshold of wonderful metamorphoses.

It remains only armed with the support that I will provide you with my advice and recommendations for self-improvement, with a song to move on this difficult but bright path.

Can a person change? This question interests almost everyone who is faced with the fact that other people do negative things. Can a criminal become a law-abiding citizen? Can a drug addict or drunkard become healthy people? Can a rude person stop using nasty words? Answer: everything is possible, but only when the person himself understands his mistakes, wants to correct them and has a clear plan to change them.

Can a person become different? If you force him or impose his opinion that he is doing some bad deeds, then in this way it is impossible to change anyone. A person may try for a few days to be the way you want him to be, but then he will again begin to do what he used to do.

It turns out that a person does not change?

The more common option is the absence of any changes in the person's personality. Usually people don't change. Why? Because they are constantly looking for someone to blame for their troubles in others, and not in themselves. While you find fault in others, you subconsciously have a thought: “It is others who are to blame, not me. So I don't need to change because I'm good enough as it is." And since you consider yourself good and right, it means that you will not change your habits, no matter how bad they really are.

But as soon as you begin to understand that in any situation that happened to you, you were directly involved, and your actions had their impact on the outcome of what happened, then do not look for the guilty in others, but try to find flaws in yourself in order to correct them.

You realize your mistakes and build a plan to eliminate them. Only in this case, people change when they themselves realize that they were wrong and to blame for something, after which they feel a desire to change themselves and become better and make efforts to implement plans.

A person cannot change, mainly because he always finds fault in others. But as soon as he understands that he is the source of all problems, then he begins to correct his flaws, improve and become a new personality.

People can change, although this happens very rarely. However, by and large, a person is not inclined to change if he does not seriously think about it. Many of us are not able to accept a man for who he is. A woman maintains a relationship with a man, hoping that he will change. Often it is hope that keeps a woman with a man. Can hopes be justified?

Can he change?

This is a question I often get asked by my clients. Faced with betrayal, humiliation, rudeness, a woman does not know what to do. And when she finally decides to leave, the man comes to her with apologies and promises to improve. And then a natural question arises: is it worth giving him a second chance?

Client story

One young woman described her situation this way. The man humiliated her, sometimes beat her, scolded her, and generally treated her rather badly. She lived with him for 7 years. And after 7 years, she realized that she was very tired of all this. He went on another voyage (he was a sailor - that is, he periodically left). And she suddenly realized that she no longer wanted to remain in such a relationship. She was tired of being humiliated. She felt an inner emptiness and realized that the feelings had passed. And survived it all, woman began to pay attention to other men, she even began a new relationship, and she decided that she no longer wants to live as before and does not want to be with this person.

I want to note that the couple lived in a civil marriage, and the man never proposed to my client, which also overshadowed her life with him. And after she stopped clinging to the relationship, he, returning from the flight, offered her to marry him, on his knees he begged to forgive him and promised to treat her differently - they say, he realized everything:

- Forgive me, please, I understand everything, I don’t want to lose you, you are very dear to me, I really need you, marry me. I only see you as my wife, I don't need anyone else! I ask you to forgive me...

Is it worth giving a man a chance? Will he change?

Influencing change in another person

People can change, although this happens very rarely. However, by and large, a person is not inclined to change. And something very impressive, shock, stress should happen: for example, a person falls into a coma, and when he comes out of it, he really changes very much. He changes values, outlook on life, priorities, etc. That is, very strong stress can make a person do a huge inner work, when in fact there is a rethinking of life, and the psyche, the structure of the “I” are transformed. And a person really begins to behave differently, treat people in a completely different way. By the way, in general, in old age there is a rethinking of values ​​and priorities.

In this example, it is very difficult to say whether a man will change or not. The process is unpredictable. Maybe he really loves the woman so much that he doesn't want to lose her. When he realized the possibility of a complete rupture, something inside him clicked, and a transformation took place. Or perhaps this is an ordinary desire to keep what is leaving, and this desire is momentary, and when everything returns to normal, then the changes will end there.

But I would draw your attention to one important point in this story: look, when for 7 years a woman loved a man, endured everything, endured everything, she never had the thought that she was tired, she did not pay attention to men. And then suddenly she began to notice other gentlemen, and she had the feeling that she had fallen out of love.

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey

Many of us believe that we have magical powers that can change another person. Hoping for this, we invest an incredible amount of time and emotions, and in the end we only get disappointed. Yes, a person can really change. But only in one case (read carefully!).

When I got out of a difficult relationship, I mentally held on to them for a decent amount of time. That is, I understood that there would be no sense, but it still seemed to me that I could fix something.

When the fog of euphoria cleared, I began to see all the psychological characteristics of another person. I always knew them in the depths of my soul, but, like most of us, I was sure that love is capable of everything that a person can change.

I was looking for articles on addictions, on character accentuations, on the nature of infantilism and manipulation, and so on and so forth. She threw it on her page, showed the person: “Look, here it is! That's what's happening! Everything is arranged in you like this, like this and like that!”

Guess what I got in return? That's right, aggression and "the fool herself." And how did you want? What you point your finger at a person hurts. All special behaviors are psychological defenses against mental wounds. These are behavioral strategies developed over the years that allow you to exist relatively comfortably in the world without being integral personalities.

Now I can say with confidence that a person can change. A person can really change. But only in one case (read carefully!) - WHEN YOU WANT IT.

You probably think that you will become the very motivator for which, for which, despite which your loved one wants to change? Don't be fooled. Your influence is no greater than the weather outside. Perhaps they will adapt to you, take an umbrella in case of bad weather, but change their beliefs, and even more - the structure of their personality - for the sake of clouds outside the window ... Are you in yourself?

Now, if the person himself suddenly ceases to suit that during the rain he is sad, and in the heat he suffers .... When he gets tired of himself, that he is deeply unhappy, unsuccessful, that life does not turn out the way he wants, or something else ... Or, what God is not joking, he will have an insight in a dream that “it sucks I somehow live” ... That's when possibly.

But you will already be far from the epicenter of the explosion ... And it would be better for you to be far away so that you don’t get covered by the blast wave ... Because to admit that “I myself was the cause of everything in my life” is a very difficult test. As a rule, the one who is nearby is assigned as the cause of failures ... Or was nearby ... For the time being, that person will go a long way to understanding who everything starts with in our life ... If he wants to go ...

Donald Walsh wrote that "the best thing we can do for a man in love is to give him a large portion of himself." This is not anger, not revenge, not “look at how you will be without me.” It is a calm conviction that every person has the right to be and be with what he has in himself. Even the fact that you are temporarily (and this is always temporary) in a couple does not give you the right to change the other person.

We are only responsible for ourselves. We are born separately from each other and we will go away on our own. Each of us has our own life and purpose.

Your will extends only to your life. And there is no need to build yourself out of the Lord, thinking that you have the right to influence the fate of another person. Leave others alone, take care of yourself.

Psychologists have a principle - not to solve the client's problems without a request. Yes, in fact, without a request, he still did not become a client.

Therefore, you should also follow this golden rule of the universe: do not interfere where you are not asked. I emphasize that an adult, mentally healthy (and it is not for you to judge his health) person is able to deal with his problems or ask for help if he cannot solve them.

Become the creator of your own destiny - this is the best thing you can do in life. If someone needs to change around you, it will happen. You will become a motivator by the very fact of your realization.

If your path does not attract another person, does not inspire, then this is great - he obviously has his own path. And those whose paths lie close to yours will walk beside you.

Can the psychology of people change depending on external or internal causes? For the majority, changes represent a serious conflict, because regardless of the circumstances, a person always wants to save his “face”, not to lose his individuality.

Does a person change over time - the opinion of psychologists

Indeed, it is believed that changes are unusual for a person, he prefers to adapt to the world, while maintaining his inherent qualities.

An example of this point of view is the dependence of people on bad habits, which are sometimes incredibly difficult to get rid of.

However, psychiatry completely refutes this statement, proving that it is possible to change a person, provided that this is his sincere desire.

Most often, people crave change because of the presence of a psychological problem.

These include conflict behavior, low self-esteem, insecurity, inadequacy, unreasonable manifestation of negativity. If a person begins to look for the cause of discomfort in the surrounding manifestations, even an experienced psychotherapist is unlikely to help him. But when an individual realizes that the cause of the negativity is hidden inside him, it can be stated that the person is ready for change.

There are several common reasons that literally make a person change:

• Mental shock, usually associated with changes in attitude. It can be the birth of a child or a tragedy that happened to a loved one. People can change for the sake of loved ones or after learning about their own deadly disease. The emotional shock can be so strong that it completely changes the essence of a person;
• The development of consciousness - spiritual growth occurs imperceptibly to others. Slowly and gradually, a person improves himself, every day learning new aspects of the universe and developing consciousness. Relatives may not notice changes in the psychology of such a person for a long time, but old acquaintances, whom they meet quite rarely, quickly notice the changes. By the way, this type of changing psychology can be attributed to the test of age, when the accumulated experience makes you take a fresh look at the world. Of course, a person does not always change with age, it all depends on his ability to evaluate the path traveled;
• Circumstances are a source of rather strong emotional experiences, the strength of which sometimes seems overwhelming. For example, people can change after prison, both for the better and for the worse. Changes are possible due to moving to another city or in connection with a change of place of work. True, in most cases, psychology remains unchanged and the person returns to the previous behavior, returning to already familiar conditions. But sometimes the influence of the environment really affects psychology. After leaving prison, a rare person is able to cleanse the soul, and once in the company of smart self-sufficient people, many begin to imitate them, improving imperceptibly even for themselves;
• Finance is a bright stimulus for change, both positive and negative. Often, a real revolution takes place in a previously closed soul, forcing a person to spend money on charity and burn it without regrets, and some people who were previously open and good-natured find such traits as stinginess in their character and completely withdraw from the world.

Temperament is one of the innate qualities, changes in which require a lot of work on oneself. However, rarely does a person's temperament change radically, it can only be restrained.

How can you change yourself?

If something does not suit a person in his life, you can try to change yourself for the sake of a comfortable existence, while exposing the personality to minimal changes.

1. Dependence on someone else's opinion gives rise to low self-esteem. You can correct the situation if you make your own positive opinion about your qualities stable and learn to trust your own ideas about yourself as a person;
2. Fear of failure is another condition that intensifies over time and interferes with self-realization. In this case, it is recommended not to resort to independent attempts to correct the situation, since a negative result can be achieved, which will significantly complicate life. It is best to turn to the help of a professional psychologist who is able to choose an effective technique for getting rid of the fear of failure and insecurity;
3. The tendency to depressive states is a common reason why people change for the worse. The usual cause of depression is that a person does not want to live by certain rules, but is not able to step over an internal prohibition. The result is a slow loss of interest in life. To achieve change, you need to find the motivation to move forward. It should be remembered that after the rain the sun always appears and there are many ways to make life richer, among which you just need to find the best path for yourself.

Whether a person's character changes under the influence of circumstances or as a result of careful work on oneself, it is important that these are positive changes.