Another common question is related to the practice of Self-Love. In many books they write - love yourself! At trainings they say that the reasons for failures are not self-love. But what is it to love yourself? Does this mean that you need to say 200 nice words to yourself every day? Or does it mean that you need to stroke your body every day in front of a mirror? Or should you smile at your reflection?
What do you need to do to love yourself? First, let's understand what love is.

love is a verb
Modern women do not like that in the East girls are married off in childhood. For those who were chosen by their parents. But there is a rational grain in this. Knowing that she has a husband, the girl is no longer looking for anyone. Like a boy, he can study calmly and not be distracted. Indian women say, “You marry the one you love. And we learn to love the one we marry.”
in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, he gives an example. When, after the seminar, a man approached him and said that he no longer loved his wife.

"What should I do?" - he asked

“Love her,” Stephen replied.

“You probably didn’t understand me - I don’t love her anymore”

“Moreover, you need to start loving her. To love is a verb. So these are actions. Take care of her, listen to her, try to understand her. Learn to love her"

This is what modern families lack. Understanding that love is not just a chemistry of hormones that evaporates after 18 months. Love is work, it is labor, it is action.

« Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act outrageously, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never ends…"(Epistle to the Corinthians)

If you look at the points, then:

long-suffering- this means that she is able to overcome feelings of resentment and discontent, and is also able to forgive offensive words, claims, misunderstandings, opposite opinions and attitudes.

Merciful- this is about the fact that love is able to be condescending to mistakes, ready to understand and enter into a position, help and support. Selflessly.

Doesn't envy- that is, Love rejoices in what is, and with the happiness of a neighbor. I have exactly what I need.

Doesn't boast or pride- this means that a loving person can easily refuse to be right, stop "yaking" for any reason, in any situation. And it is also about the absence of contempt and arrogance.

Doesn't run amok- this is about the fact that there is no love in tantrums and scandals, there is no love in screaming and assault, there cannot be love in any form of violence and cruelty. After all, sometimes cruelty can be quiet - like, for example, a boycott.

not looking for his- that is, Love is able to sacrifice its time, attention, activities, comfort - for the sake of the happiness of a loved one.

Not irritated- this means that the lover is capable of the way he is, without trying to remake him in his own way.

Thinks no evil- this is about the fact that Love is far from revenge and ideas of justice - an eye for an eye and the like. There is no love in reproaches, injections, sarcastic jokes, jokes.

Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth- that is, a loving person is always honest and truthful. Although the truth is not always beautiful and easy. This behavior is the basis of trust.

Covers everything, believes everything- this is about the fact that Love does not listen to gossip and completely trusts. With all my heart. Love without trust is no longer love.

Total hopes- means that sometimes you can only hold on to hope, and this will save you in difficult times. Even when it seems that there is nothing to hope for, she is able to save.

Endures everything- that is, she is able to forgive truly, with all her heart. Even if a loved one acts badly, ugly, hurts. Love is able to forgive - but not from a position of arrogance, like a mischievous kitten, but from a position of love and acceptance.

Love never ends It means never. Under no external circumstances. No matter how the other person behaves. Love does not depend on how he behaves at all. She just is. Always.

Love for another person is when I can sacrifice my comfort and rightness for the sake of another person’s happiness (The main thing in sacrifice is not to overdo it, since sacrificing comfort is not the same as sacrificing everything).

To love is a verb.

How is love born?

Love is not a feeling, but an action. This means that it is born when we do something for this, for example, we know how to love pets. Why? Because we invest a lot in them. Care, training, training, again worries, attention. And over time, a strong bond is formed when they become family to us.

The same mechanism works with children. After all, even if the child is not native, adopted, then along with caring for him, love is born. In a few years, we love him just as we would love our own. Why? After all, there is no physiological maternal instinct here?

Love appears when we fulfill our duty to another person. When we . When we do our best. When we give it time and attention.

Love is born from everyday little things - deeds, words, actions, care.

What about self love?

All the same. Apply all of the above to yourself and get a step-by-step guide:

• Make time for yourself. Find at least 30 minutes every day for yourself. When you can do what you love in silence and solitude. Read books, sing songs, pray, draw, take a bath. This is where persistence is important. Not just once a month to leave for a couple of days, but every day to find at least half an hour for yourself. Even if you have small children. Even if you have a lot of work. To love is a verb.
• Take care of your body. The body plays an important role in a woman's life. It is very important to take care of him, help him cope with stress. All women are shown massage. All women are shown beauty salons with manicures and pedicures. Dancing, gymnastics, petal baths, skin care. Make it a daily ritual.
• Take care of your nutrition. What you put into your body is just as important. After all, you want to make your loved one healthier and more beautiful. Then why are you still eating so much junk food? Sodas, sweet pastries, fried, too spicy... Why are you feeding your loved one junk food and processed foods?
• Take care of your communication. You wouldn't give your loved one to be eaten by wolves. And you yourself communicate with those people who humiliate you, ridicule you, do not put you in anything. Wouldn't you like companies that will always support and help you? Take care of yourself - find such people (at least virtually - it's easy).
• Do good deeds. Improve the lives of others around you. this will give you a reason to think less about your problems. It will also help boost your self-esteem.

Spare no effort in taking care of yourself. Do not forget about yourself in the flow of everyday life. Do not stick yourself in the furthest corner of your life.

That is what self love is. She is not born once and forever. Love is a constant process of care and attention. But only by knowing this miracle, you will be able to carry it into the world, share it with other people and illuminate the whole world.

It is extremely important for all people to learn to love themselves, because their ability to love their neighbors and the whole world around them directly depends on this. If there is no self-love, then it is impossible to be truly happy and experience joy every day. Therefore, it is worth knowing how to love yourself, the advice of psychologists to perceive in this regard. They will help you do it. Let's find out what they have to say about this.

Signs of self dislike

How to determine if you love yourself? If you see a resemblance to yourself by rereading the descriptions below, then you do indeed have some degree of self-esteem problem. So, a person with low self-esteem looks something like this.

1. A person often feels guilty, often unreasonably.

2. Hearing the whispers or laughter of people behind him, such a man or woman will certainly think that they are laughing at them or discussing them.

3. Hearing a compliment, does not thank, but justifies.

4. A person with low self-esteem, who does not love himself, constantly complains about life, work, and family.

5. Often recalls situations in which he was a victim, scrolls them in his head, talks about failures, problems.

6. Dissatisfied with his own appearance, always pays attention to figure flaws or facial features.
If you recognize yourself in at least two of the above situations, then it makes sense to take the advice of psychologists who know how to love yourself to a man and a woman.

How can a woman love herself?

If you are a representative of the fair sex, then self-love is vital for you. An insecure woman is unlikely to be able to create a happy family and raise successful children, since she herself is not a good example. Low self-esteem will become an obstacle to achieving your goals. Even in the matter of choosing a life partner, dislike for yourself will make you agree to the first candidate for a husband that comes across, because you think that you are unworthy of the best. How to love yourself? What do we have to do?

1. Remember your childhood - what did you hear from your parents more often - praise or criticism? If criticism, then it is not surprising that the whole future life is an assessment of oneself as clumsy, unlucky, ugly. But think now soberly - is the opinion of the parents justified? Unlikely. Then you were a baby, you could not do everything perfectly, and your parents had no idea about the right upbringing. Try to forgive them and yourself, mentally thank them for everything, and reconsider yourself.

2. Praise yourself every day for any success. Write on a piece of paper everything that you can praise yourself for today - delicious pancakes, cleanliness in the kitchen, a completed project.

3. Admire yourself in the mirror, find your strengths and focus on them. Make the body parts you don't like perfect and praise them too. Every day, greet your reflection and give yourself a smile.

4. Learn something that interests you. For example, draw or embroider. The successes achieved in the new business will help to be satisfied with yourself, increase self-esteem.

5. Help others to feel your own importance.

6. Clean yourself up. A woman feels much happier and more confident when she looks well-groomed.

7. Give gifts to your beloved - buy underwear, a beautiful stylish bag, clothes, pamper yourself.

8. Listen to compliments and accept them with gratitude.

9. Write in your notebook your good qualities, because you definitely have them, for example, sincerity, generosity, responsiveness, sense of humor. For each of them you should respect and appreciate yourself.

How to love yourself as a man

If you are a man and you find yourself lacking in self-respect and self-love, this can be corrected. What do we have to do?

1. Like women, the stronger sex should dig into childhood memories that could lead to a decrease in self-esteem. Analyze old situations again and forgive yourself and those who did not believe in you or criticized you.

2. It is important for a man to feel his own importance, and you can increase it by doing something useful. If you have an idea how to organize a business or start some kind of activity, go for it. Men live with ideas and their implementation, this is their nature. Being helpful to other people will make you feel needed and your self-esteem will increase.

3. Help and support women. To be truly happy, men need to patronize, protect and protect women - their wife, lover, sister, employees.

4. Eat right to be in shape, go in for sports. A fit man is now a rarity, become one, and you will begin to respect yourself.

5. Keep your body clean.

6. Celebrate your achievements, even the smallest ones, on paper or in your thoughts, praise yourself.

7. Respond with gratitude to someone else's praise.

Applying all these tips from psychologists, you can eventually notice favorable changes in your life. A sense of self-confidence will increase, joy, inspiration, and a desire to do good deeds will appear. And along with insecurity and dissatisfaction with oneself, some diseases will also go away, because it has already been proven that poor health is often caused by a person’s mood, his attitude towards himself and the world around him. As soon as you learn to love yourself, your personal life will improve, many life problems will be solved, and many reasons for joy will appear.

One of my girlfriends has no luck with men. Or rather, “bad luck” is not the right word. They just avoid it like moths avoid naphthalene. And this is all the more surprising because she is a pretty thirty-year-old woman with a pleasant figure and no less pleasant own apartment in Minsk. Clever, teaches at the university, dresses well, looks after herself - and once again complains in a cozy kitchen over a cup of tea: they say that there are no men around, and if they do, then goats and a natural disaster in one bottle.

I once again think: well, why are glorious, successful women, having passed all exams for building a career with excellent marks, so often get a complete “failure” in their personal lives? You look at the other one - the mouse is gray, and that's all, but it twirls its fans as it wants. What is there in it, since men peck like a pike on a lure? Well-known Russian psychologist and trainer Inna Chori answers the "eternal" women's questions.

Inna Chori is a psychoanalyst, sexologist, author and host of popular trainings to increase female sexuality and self-confidence. Author of the programs: "Psycho-sexual development of adolescents", "Three-stage program: Secrets of Femininity, Placers of the night (sex techniques), Secrets of Scheherazade", "Sex toys: fashion for pleasure", "Women's power", "How to please a woman (program exclusively for men)”, “Workshop Bitch”.

Received two higher educations (defectology department of the Herzen Russian State Pedagogical University and the East European Institute of Psychoanalysis). She is happily married and believes that any reasonable woman can do it. Her trainings are an incredible combination of modern psychology, oriental sexual techniques and educational methods of the Smolny Institute for Noble Maidens. And all this serves only one purpose - to make a woman happy.

Inna, why are smart, attractive, businesslike women often unsuccessful in relationships with men? The opposite sex really divides us into "horror, how smart" and "charm, what fools"?

When a woman begins to create a business, she learns to act like a man - aggressively, assertively. In business, without it, nowhere. She carries the same pattern of behavior to many areas of life. It is inevitable that those around her begin to perceive her in accordance with her behavior - as a man.

I still believe that the main sphere of realization of a woman is in the family and children. Of course, a true woman should have her own business: an occupation that brings her pleasure. It can also serve to make money. The problem arises when a business woman "forgets" to switch from a "male" model of behavior to a "female" one.

Do you want to do business for health. But get yourself a clear role switch. At work, I am a manager, teacher, leader, and at home or in relationships with men, I am female. I am not afraid to express my emotions, seem fragile and weak.

Dear girls, the most important thing to learn is to be natural. Don't hide your strengths and weaknesses. If necessary, tell the man about your worries, anxieties and fears. For some reason, strong women often do not allow themselves this. And in vain. You don't see how easy it is for a woman to get everything she wants from men in life. Without straining, without breaking yourself, but simply with the help of sincerity, the ability, when you need to "be weak", not to go into a scandal, but to find workarounds.

Many "business sharks" in a skirt, who realized this, wonderfully married, created good families. But this requires a lot of inner work. You need to find that "little girl" that lives somewhere inside you - spontaneous, emotional, fragile, in need of protection. At my trainings, participants remember their childhood - in order to emerge from these memories, as in fairy tales, from a cauldron of rejuvenating water, renewed and harmonious.

Secret weapon: the image of the "blonde"

Sometimes you look: the girl is so stupid that she even takes anger. But the men around her and revolve

The image of the "blonde" ... yes, the same, anecdotal - this is our powerful secret weapon. Do not underestimate them! And keep in mind: to be a “correct blonde”, you need a sharp mind and a lot of practice. If you don’t succeed the first time, don’t be upset - this, like many other things, can be learned.

Men are Don Quixotes by nature... You just need to help them feel like knights in shining armor, rushing to the aid of a beautiful Lady. We, modern women, are so independent - well, just to the point of nausea. We will install Windows ourselves and hammer a nail into the wall. But let the men prove themselves - at least carry a bag with purchases to the bus stop! I say things so simple and obvious that it's even embarrassing. Meanwhile, many women do not even imagine what a stunning effect the entry into the role of "blonde" can give.

One of my clients after the Women's Power training decided to try the image of a blonde, so to speak, in practice. And in the purest, uncomplicated form. The girl has been driving a car for a long time, she is well versed in technology. She arrived at a gas station, approached the worker and, innocently batting her eyelashes, said: “Help me, please, I don’t remember where to put the gun.” Then she admitted: “I expected that they would look at me like I was a fool and send me to hell.” However, the effect was completely unexpected. Nearly half of the men present gathered around her! And the car was refueled, and entertained with conversations, and even invited for a cup of coffee.

Allow yourself to be casual sometimes. In response to an insane offer to break into a “burning” diving tour or make love on the roof, wave your hand at least once: “Come on! And how much of that life! Men in their hearts remain boys until old age - gambling, who love to "show off" ... And women? Women, on the contrary, often pretend to be strict "teachers". And what does it give? Remember the story of Malvina and Pinocchio? “Teach your spiderlings better,” said Pinocchio and ran away from the beauty with blue hair through the closet window. If a woman is a child in her soul, a girl with bows, the man next to her feels good and comfortable. They love those. These sometimes even leave the family, leaving the boring "teachers".

Put the man in the passport

Why do some offer a hand and a heart almost at every step, while others are stubbornly unlucky? Tell us as a psychologist: what fatal mistakes prevent us from “putting” a man not in bed, but in a passport?

The most important rule sounds paradoxical: if you want to be married, don't wait for it! Do not get hung up on this desire, do not strangle a man with your expectation. Do not let him feel that you are dragging him to the registry office "on a rope." He immediately wants to "break away" and run away.

There is no need to pretend to be indifferent. Just lower the value of the object slightly for yourself. There can and should be other interests in your life. Go about your business, personal development, communicate with friends, go to the cinema and theaters, realize yourself in a hobby. Do not sit by the phone, like Alyonushka by the pond, waiting for His calls.

And do not bombard Him with calls, demanding an account of where he is and with whom. Even if you are jealous and worried - make an effort, pull yourself together! "Where are you? and “What are you doing now” are the scariest questions a woman can ask a man. They almost always cause a negative reaction: the partner feels that you are encroaching on the most sacred and dear - his freedom. Even a husband shouldn't ask such questions! The same can be found out in a roundabout way: “Darling, can you speak now?”

Create healthy competition around you. This is not about deliberately inciting the jealousy of a partner. But many women make a mistake when they decide: “I have a loved one, and now I don’t need any boyfriends, I will communicate with other men only when necessary.”

Live the life you lived - chat with friends, accept flowers from fans. This will allow you to be “in good shape”, feel beautiful and unique, and make a man make a decision faster.
Another mistake, paradoxically, is formulated as follows: "I will not be imposed on him, which means that I will be valuable to him." A woman has been agreeing to a civil marriage for years, not daring to talk about the development of relations.
Yes, you don’t have to get hung up on marriage, you don’t need to give it super value, but if after a year of constant relationship a man hasn’t asked you to get married, it’s time to think about it. If he tells you that he is not ready for family life - in most cases this is not an "excuse", but a sad truth. Think carefully about whether you need such a partner. Or maybe it’s worth ending an unpromising relationship?

There are many techniques for “squeezing” men, which nevertheless allow them to be brought to the door of the registry office. I talk about these techniques in detail in my trainings. To briefly express their essence - do not let a man guess how important legal marriage is to you. Just create a situation where he is required to make that choice.

The very, very important secret of female attractiveness and charm - what is it? What does it take to be a winner in life and just a happy woman?

Charm consists of many features: appearance, gait and plasticity of movements, the notorious ability to “apply oneself”, the timbre of the voice. All this is easy enough to learn. But the most important thing is the inner state of happiness. Carry yourself through life like a cup full of light. Enter a state of inner happiness, joy, admiration for yourself. This thought will shine in your eyes and maintain your proud posture.

See what's happening on the streets. Here comes a woman, her back is crooked, her eyes are on the floor, her face is extinct - she does not love herself, who can like her ?! Men respond primarily to the impulse of happiness and pleasure coming from a woman. Subconsciously, every man is looking for the one that can bring happiness and joy into his life.

My main task as a psychologist and sexologist is to teach a woman to "drug" from herself, and not to look for wrinkles on the pope and cellulite under a microscope. Cultivate an inner sense of your own exclusivity and uniqueness. Remember, you are your own value. And you will succeed!

For the first time in Minsk, Inna Chori's training "Women's Power" on May 15-16.
Tel.: (+375 29) 646-69-44 (Elena)
Details on trainingclub.by

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How to love yourself and increase self-esteem as a woman

July 4, 2018 - One comment

How can a woman learn to love herself? Yes, so that everyone looks and admires you as something inaccessibly beautiful, poured out streams of compliments and admiration! And it seems that this is how it happens in life - you are beautiful, and people see it. I just want more love and attention, more and more. There is always some kind of lack, lack, inferiority.

And all because the desired - the beautiful - remains out of reach. No one is in a hurry to give you love and enjoy your presence alone. And you are left alone with your "beauty". How to become a truly loved and desired woman? How to learn to love and respect yourself?

Let's find out in this article.

What does it mean to love yourself and be a strong woman?

The most common advice from psychologists for a happy life concerns self-esteem. Yes, just what to do with it - it's not clear. How to raise it? How to say to yourself: “You are strong! You're not afraid of anything!" and believe it? Fear sits inside and is so exhausting that it seems that there are only enemies around. That other people are the ones you need to protect yourself from.

I don’t love myself, the woman thinks, believing that this is the reason for her fears and insecurities.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains the true causes of negative states hidden in the unconscious.

I want to get rid of fear, calmly and confidently communicate with people, enjoy meetings, feel relaxed and free. To learn this, let's consider one of the vectors of the psyche, which is endowed by nature with a special talent - to experience the greatest amplitude of emotions. The vector is called visual.

Emotions are closely connected with the eyes: I saw a colorful dawn - “Beautiful…”, I watched a touching film - “Zhaaaalkoo ...”, and tears from my eyes. The owners of the visual vector are the most amorous, emotional, beautiful, sensitive natures. The meaning of their life is only in one thing - in love. It is they who most often ask the question: how to love yourself and increase self-esteem?

Emotions are an asset of a visual person, and where they are directed determines the quality of life. On yourself - will be tormented by fear, uncertainty, anxiety. On others - there will be love, happiness, a beautiful and vibrant life.

How to start loving yourself?

When a woman asks how to love yourself, or a slightly different option - how to accept yourself the way you are, - in her heart she wants only one thing: that other people are drawn to her. After all, it is so important - to be needed, desired and loved by all.

When a woman with a visual vector can realize her innate emotional potential outward - to give love - people are drawn to her. They want to be close to those who love them. The owner of the visual vector is naturally endowed with the ability to create emotional connections.

Not I love me, a I love - allows you to realize your natural talents, get maximum joy and happiness from their implementation. That is, when I direct feelings, emotions not at myself, but at other people, only then I create a happy life for myself.

The desire to love yourself arises from a lack of feeling love. True love does not arise in relation to oneself, but only to another person. It is enough to direct your properties, abilities, talents in the right direction - then there will be happiness, and communication, and great love.

How is the ability to express feelings developed?

An adult person differs from a child in that he realizes the properties given to him from birth for the benefit of society. In order for a child to develop fully, the most comfortable conditions must be created in childhood.

The beginning of the path of a person with a visual vector is fear: the first emotion with which he is born. Over time, as he grows up, he learns empathy. First, he sincerely regrets the plucked flower, then the cat, and then another person who is in trouble. It is very pleasant to love, and the child's soul with all its being reaches out to other people, outward, wants to develop into its opposite: out of fear - into compassion and love.

When a visual person “gives away” his emotions, this does not mean that he is left with nothing: “I am forced to give when I myself have not enough ...” - this is not so. When I create emotional connections - and this is the inner desire of a visual person - I get pleasure.

It is impossible to get love in yourself. If a person does not love himself, then he lacks love. This is very noticeable in life: no matter how much attention people pay, there is always little, you always want more. As a result, an emotional emptiness is felt in the soul, which makes one experience discomfort and self-doubt.

To learn to enjoy the return of emotions, the child needs absolute security in the family. It happens that parents suffer, experience dissatisfaction with life and break down in the family on each other. In this case, the child loses a sense of security and safety. Such an atmosphere is a reason for "getting stuck" in fears - the child simply does not have the opportunity to relax and release emotions outward, to experience the pleasure of their bestowal.

If in childhood an atmosphere of threat, heaviness, hostility constantly surrounded, then the visual child will enter adulthood, having learned to enjoy only the buildup of fear - the first and root emotion of the visual psyche. He will become an adult, but he will live according to the child model. This fact will not allow him to fully "fit" into society and reap the benefits of happy relationships with people. Questions will start to come up. how to love yourself and the like.

Every person is naturally endowed with the ability to justify himself with all his heart. You don't have to learn to love yourself. Problems arise when a person cannot love others, cannot live normally among people.

To truly love means to be able to receive joy from a sensual life among other people and be filled with it to the maximum.

How to fit into society and start enjoying life?

Society is like a dance. If you know how to fit into it - you have fun and joy. And if your actions are inappropriate, not consistent with a single rhythm, then you are constantly pushed and asked not to interfere.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will not call you - love yourself! - it will teach you to truly enjoy life. In the modern world, there is no more effective way to solve psychological problems than realizing them as they really are.

Realizing the psyche, that is, one's innate desires, a person acquires the freedom to choose a new fate, it becomes possible to live his life, getting the maximum joy from it.