What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? SMS that will support in difficult times.

In the life of every person, a variety of events constantly occur. Unfortunately, not all of them bring joy and happiness. Often we and our loved ones have to feel pain, resentment and experience real grief. It is very hard to watch the suffering of loved ones and relatives. In such situations, many are lost and do not know what to say, how to support a person.

Unleash your feelings

Emotions should not accumulate. The person has to throw them out. Help him express sadness, resentment, disappointment, i.e. all those negative feelings that they have at the moment. Only by releasing them outside, you can feel relief. Some people, when in deep sadness, withdraw into themselves. In such a situation, it is necessary to show some ingenuity and provoke a person into a conversation.

Offer Help

Offering help to people in a critical situation is a must. You are unlikely to be able to alleviate grief, but you can still do something. It can be cooking, cleaning the house, or in general, everything that a loved one is now unable to do. The main thing is to do it regularly and from a pure heart.

Listen

Many people like to talk, but not everyone can listen. If you don't know depressed, then just listen carefully to it. Do not interrupt and let him say everything that has accumulated. Express your concern and sympathy, and let the person know that you understand his grief.

stay close

You must understand that right now, more than ever, a friend is needed. Postpone as much as possible all the cases and devote as much time as possible to it. Try to remove the source of the person's suffering, if possible. Try to avoid common phrases. In most cases, this is more annoying than helpful.

Try to distract

When you think about how to support a person in a difficult situation, the thought often comes to mind that you just need to distract him. Go to the cinema, theater, exhibition, club and so on together. A change of scenery will definitely help. Your loved one will be able to forget about problems and worries at least for a while.

be patient

People who are depressed are unbalanced, quick-tempered and extremely irritable. When communicating with them, this should be taken into account. If you do not know how to support a person, but you are going to visit him, remember this. Be patient and be prepared for anything.

Advise

After the person has cried and spoken out, it's time to give good advice. Tell us what you think about the current situation. Perhaps you have your own experience of similar experiences. Don't give empty advice. Be sure to imagine yourself in a similar situation. Unlike your loved one, you have the ability to reason and look for a way out. If you see that a friend is wrong, do not be shy and do not be afraid to tell him about it. It's better to be you than someone else.

Act according to the situation

Each person has his own unique character. Each of us feels and thinks differently. It is impossible to pick up any template of actions. You need to act according to the situation. Remember that the main thing is sincere attention and empathy, participation and the desire to provide support in difficult times. It is quite difficult to take into account all the nuances, but if you can, a friend will be eternally grateful to you for being there.

Knowing how to support a person, you can always come to the rescue. Thus, you will not only save him, but also make it clear that you are a true friend. And when you need help, you can be sure that it will come. In addition, good deeds always cheer up and fill life with meaning.

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone has died among relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolence- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the experiences, misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, not to hurt, not to cause even more suffering?

The word condolence speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as " co joint disease". Let this not surprise you. In fact, grief is a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition for a person, and it is well known that "grief shared is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Compassion - joint feeling, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, the presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at comforting the mourner.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving, but in many cases causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon these days. I must say that people in grief subtly feel lies that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and false words in which there is no warmth.

How to Express Condolences:

To express condolences, please consider the following:

You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, it is quite enough to touch the grieving. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime can also do so. It is enough for them to shake hands with their relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolence.
It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to back up these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times have understood that their words without deeds can turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organization of the funeral, this is all possible material assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many other types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but also make life easier for the grieving, and also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight, sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate, words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before you go to offer condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both for the person to whom we will bring condolences, and for the deceased himself. It is these resentments and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those whom you are offended by, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

Before you say words of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or those people) with whom you are going to express condolence are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the right words will come by themselves. You will only have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving. You cannot know the degree of repentance (present and future) of this person or people.

The expression of condolence is not only the sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person says words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly apologize for what you consider yourself guilty of to the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are some examples of verbal condolences. We want to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use exclusively ready-made stamps, because. the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
There are no words to express your grief. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
It is very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
I'm sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very happy. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, this has to be experienced. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Forgive me! I grieve with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you. I will gladly help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pathos, theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on days 9-40 of loss (if mourning is normal). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH Grieving.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences should not be formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases do not sound. It is important to note that in an effort to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, disappointment on the part of the grieving. This is because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently common phrases that, according to experts, it is not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in an acute phase of grief:

You can't "comfort" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died)," You are beautiful, then will you still get married"(if the husband died), etc. is a completely tactless statement for a mourner. He had not yet mourned, had not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he is experiencing the pain of a real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such a “consolation” from a person who may think that in this way he gives hope to the grieving, is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry everything will pass" - people who utter such words of "sympathy" give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to respond to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. A grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or establish himself) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the mourner, and the entire life of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the "sympathizers" themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if a grieving person expresses his grief for several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement that the condoling person imagines as optimistic and even hopeful for the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not see the good yet, he does not strive for it. For now, he doesn't really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And therefore, such empty optimism will annoy him rather than help.

« It's bad, but time heals.”- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it himself can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and alms, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the mourner when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing a loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed with time. He thinks it will always be like this. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let's give a metaphor: for example, a child hit hard, experiences severe pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

It is impossible, when expressing condolences, to pronounce wishes to the mourner, which are oriented to the future. For example, “I wish you to go to work faster”, “I hope that you will soon restore your health”, “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy”, etc. First, these forward-looking wishes are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see yet. So, these phrases will go, at best, into the void. But it is possible that the mourner will perceive this as your call to him to end his mourning, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the mourner.

It is impossible to find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, suggesting positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - most often also does not console the grieving. The bitterness of loss from this does not become less, a person perceives what happened as a disaster

“That's better for him. He was sick and exhausted" Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the mourner acknowledges the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke a grieving resentment towards the departed - "You feel good now, you do not suffer, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of mourning can be a source of guilt in the mourner.

Often, when expressing condolences, such statements are made: “It’s good that the mother didn’t get hurt”, “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be said to the grieving. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce the pain of a person from loss. Of course, he understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Everyone knows that it is impossible to console a victim of a fire with the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are worse off than you"(it happens even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which a condolence tries to compare the grieving with the one, “ who is worse off." At the same time, he relies on the fact that the grieving person will understand from this comparison that his loss is not the worst, which can be even harder, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable approach. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everything around is bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the bitterest. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can't look for "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go”, etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which then will have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the "guilty", "extreme" in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (put on trial)”, “these terrible doctors should be judged. These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of a guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all alleviate the pain of loss. Punishing the guilty person in death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements introduce the mourner into a state of intense aggression against the person responsible for the death of a loved one. But experts in grief know that a grieving person can turn aggression against the guilty person at any moment on himself, than to make himself even worse. So you should not pronounce such phrases, kindling a fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave, God took"- another frequently used "comfort", which actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person to God. It must be understood that a person who is in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not be relieved by what God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that, by offering to shift the blame to God in this way, one can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is just an appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties appear for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such a condolence addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like this” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding a grieving person of the shortcomings of a person who has died not only does not console, but, on the contrary, makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolences” in this way, completely undeservedly puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, thinking a lot about himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation, evaluation is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences" it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, it's either good, or nothing."

Other Common Mistakes When Expressing Condolences

Often condoling say the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who experiences it. And the soul of everyone hurts too especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced such a thing. You should not compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did it happen?" “Where did it happen?”, “And what did he say before his death?”. This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that you cannot talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily survive the grief - “You know that I feel bad too”, “When my mother died, I also almost lost my mind "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father also died, ”etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of sorrow and pain can occur, a mutual induction, which not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, for a person it is a small consolation that others are also bad.

Often condolences are expressed with phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you need to do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when the call was practically the only understandable form of address to a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obligated to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality, play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. wolfelt also gives the following advice on what NOT to do when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of the grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the failures of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait until he gets back to normal.

It is impossible to move away from a person, depriving him of his support, to ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to be imposed, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving. Don't ignore him, but go and talk to him.

You can not be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Often sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of the grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you can not show that you are scared and move away from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to speak to those who are grieving without touching their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have any result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring their feelings. If you talk to a person without touching his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in arms, grab hands). Sometimes condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the mourner. Strong manifestations of emotions, squeezing in an embrace.

Condolence: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemoration, but also to comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, stay close to the grieving, offer help, comfort.

But people who were not at the mourning ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When attending a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary during a condolence visit to discuss any other issues not related to death, to talk tactlessly on abstract topics, recalling funny stories, or to discuss official problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they have suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for some reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent.

Written expression of condolence

How to express condolences in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant for the topic “Ideological Aspects of Life”, writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and the nobility, one can find samples of consolatory letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of notice, love, instructive, imperative. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolence, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. Here is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of his son's death, and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad—one must read these heartfelt letters in order to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with another's grief could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who then served as governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the king. The tsar wrote to his old father to console him, and, among other things, he wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve to the extent possible, but it’s impossible not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't get angry." The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: "Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us.(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech turns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows you to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, circle of friends and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more of an emotional assessment of the event of death that had occurred, rather than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually comforting letters. They were often in response to a letter of notice. But even if the mourner did not send a letter of notice of the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemoration of the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, receded into the background in secular society. The topic of death to some extent passed into the category of taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy has also been lost; there is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of consolation have moved into the category of formal etiquette, but have not completely left the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called "Letters" began to be published to help those writing on a difficult topic. These were guides on writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, examples of letters, phrases and expressions were given for various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. "Comforting letters" - one of the sections of the letters, giving advice on how to support the grieving, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of reassurance necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th-century scribes, The General Secretary, or the new complete scribe. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
letters of consolation “In this kind of writing, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no most commendable custom how to console each other in sorrows. Fate brings us so many misfortunes that we would act inhumanly if we did not mutually give such relief to each other. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in excess in her sadness, then instead of suddenly holding back the first of her tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer, to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than mourn over someone's death, it is better to leave such lively ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adjust to the secret feelings of their heart in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to spread and to leave great condolences. In other cases it is possible to speak at greater length about disasters inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us suffer in this life? Weakness makes you work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! I have the honor to write this letter to you, not in order to relieve you of your lamentation, for your sorrow is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and all that depends on me, or rather, to mourn in common with you. the death of your beloved husband. He was a friend to me and proved his friendship by innumerable good deeds. Consider, madam, whether I have no reason to regret him and to join my tears with your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can comfort my sorrow but complete submission to the will of God. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, yet it is necessary to console yourself with his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-term pleasure here. Honor him with eternal content in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Amuse yourself with the upbringing of your children, in whom you see him come to life. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying about him together with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he gained love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my sovereign! Your…"

The tradition of condolence has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is similar in all respects to past centuries. Today, as before, we can observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The embarrassment experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the theme of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more of an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist today, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "writers."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death of... She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and good disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once ... . She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

On the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his frugality, love of life and how reverently he cared for you, it seems to me that I also knew him. I think a lot of people will miss it. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you shared your memories of your dad. I think of you and your family.

On the death of a child

… We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept our sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1 I was deeply saddened by the news of the death of (name) and I want to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your company. My colleagues share my deep regret at his/her passing.

Example 2 It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey my condolences to you on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3 I would like to express to you our deepest feelings on the death of Ms. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4 We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of Mr....

Example 5 It was a great shock for us to hear the news of the sudden death of Mr.

Example 6 We find it hard to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

Perhaps one of your friends or acquaintances has lost a loved one. Most likely, you want to support this person, but it is often difficult to find the right words in such a situation. First, express your sincere condolences. Then provide the necessary emotional support. Listen to the grieving person. It is also important to provide practical assistance. For example, you can help with cooking or cleaning.

Steps

Establish contact with the person

Choose the right time to talk. Before moving on to communicate with a grieving person, make sure that he is ready for this. A person who has lost a loved one can be very upset. Besides, it might be busy. So ask him if he can make time for you. If possible, talk to the grieving person in private.

A person who has lost a loved one can very acutely perceive the attention of others, even after the funeral. So if you want to offer help, approach your friend or acquaintance when they are alone.

Express your sincere condolences. When you learn that a loved one of your friend or acquaintance has died, try to contact him as soon as possible. You can send an email. However, it will be better if you call or meet with the person who has lost a loved one in person. You don't have to talk too much during such a meeting. Say, "I'm sorry, sorry." After that, you can say a few kind words about the deceased. Also promise that you will visit the person again soon.

Mention that you are ready to help the person. During the next meeting, you will be able to fulfill your promise by providing the necessary assistance. Be specific about what you can do for the grieving person. Thanks to this, he will know what you are ready to do for him, and it will be easier for you to keep your word. Tell us what kind of help you are willing to provide and how much time you will need.
- For example, if you're short on time, suggest that the grieving person take flowers from the funeral to the hospital or donate them to a charity.
Accept rejection with understanding. If you offer help and the grieving person refuses, listen to their wishes and leave your offer of help until the next meeting. Either way, don't take it personally. Because a grieving person may be offered help by many, it can be difficult for them to make the right decision.
- You can say, "I know you're having a hard time making decisions right now. Let's talk about that next week."
Avoid sensitive topics. During the conversation, be very careful about mentioning something funny. If you don't know the person very well, avoid jokes altogether. In addition, the causes of death should not be discussed. Otherwise, the person will treat you like a gossip instead of a sincere and sympathetic person.
Invite a friend to visit a bereaved help group. If you see that he is having a hard time coping with his feelings, offer to enlist the support of people who can help him with this. Find out if there is a bereaved support group in your area. You can do your research using the internet. Invite a friend to attend meetings with them.
- Be very careful when asking a friend to use a support group. For example, you could say, "Recently I learned that there are special groups of people who meet to talk about their loved ones who have passed away. I don't know if you would like to take part in such meetings. If you want to go, I'm ready to do it with you."

In life, we often face various obstacles. It can be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength in himself and move on. He so lacks support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, warm words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in difficult times?

Expressions that should not be used

There are a number of familiar phrases that are the first to come to mind when you need to support someone. These words should not be spoken:

Don't worry!

Everything is formed! Everything will be fine!

At the moment when the world collapsed, it sounds like a mockery. A person is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to figure out how to fix things. He is not sure that the situation will turn in his favor, and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? All the more blasphemous are such words if your friend has lost a loved one.

Do not Cry!

Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. It is necessary to give a person a cry, to speak out, to give vent to emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be there.

No need to cite as an example people who are even worse

A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care that somewhere in Africa children are starving. Someone who has just learned about a serious diagnosis is not very interested in the statistics of deaths from cancer. It is also not necessary to give examples that relate to mutual acquaintances.

Trying to support a loved one, remember that at the moment he is morally depressed by his problem. It is necessary to carefully select expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's find out how to support a person.

Words to Help You Get Through the Tipping Point

When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But, the words spoken at the right time can inspire, console, restore faith in oneself. The following phrases will help to feel your support:

We will get through this together.

In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let a loved one feel that you care about his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.

I understand how you feel.

When you're in trouble, it's important to be heard. It's good to have someone around who understands you. If you have been in a similar situation, please tell us about it. Share your thoughts, emotions at that moment. But no need to tell how you heroically coped with the situation. Just make it clear that you were in your friend's place. But you survived it, and he can handle it too.

Time will pass and it will get easier.

Indeed, this is a fact. We will not remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later, we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being solved. You can find a new job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or relieve its symptoms. Even the sadness of the death of a loved one passes with time. It is important to get over the moment of shock and move on.

You've been in worse situations. Nothing, you did it!

Surely your friend has already encountered life's obstacles and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is a strong, courageous person and is able to solve any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.

You are not to blame for what happened.

Feeling guilty about what happened is the first thing that prevents you from taking a sober look at the situation. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and that anyone else could be in his place. It makes no sense to look for those responsible for the trouble, you need to try to solve the problem.

Is there something I can do for you?

Perhaps your friend needs help, but he does not know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. Take the initiative.

Say that you admire his endurance and fortitude.

When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person's faith in their own strength.

Don't worry, I'll be right there!

These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear at a turning point. Everyone needs someone close and understanding next to them. Don't leave your loved one alone!

Help your friend come up with a sense of humor about the situation. Every drama has a bit of comedy. Lighten up the situation. Laugh together at the girl who left him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic way. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.

The best support is to be there

The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a handkerchief or napkin served on time, a glass of water can say more than you think.

Take on some of the household chores. Provide all possible assistance. Indeed, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the grocery store, pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help arrange the funeral. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.

Smoothly switch the person's attention to something mundane, not related to his grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find an excuse to go outside and take a walk.

Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how he is confused, depressed. Don't interrupt him. Let him speak his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help to look at the situation from the outside, to see solutions. And you just be close to a loved one in a difficult moment for him.

Olga, St. Petersburg

It is impossible to remain indifferent during a difficult period in the life of a loved one. Anyone can be in a prolonged depression, it is important to become support in time and provide all kinds of help. Methods must be effective, and words must be convincing, only then the result will be maximum. What to do if you can’t find words and fall into a stupor at the sight of a suffering person? Do not panic and read the instructions carefully.

8 effective methods of supporting a person in difficult times

Being nearby
Stay in sight, keep your phone on, and be there for a friend 24 hours a day. Stay overnight, if necessary, devote all your free time to a loved one. Show the skills of Sherlock Holmes and identify the true cause of the experience, and then try to eradicate it.

Do not say memorized phrases that only make it worse: “you can handle it,” “time will put everything in its place,” and the like. Make it clear that you are support and support, so you will provide comprehensive assistance.

Distracting maneuvers
Distract the person in every possible way, even if you have to stand on your head or dance on the table. Now it is important to eradicate grief, which soon threatens to develop into a prolonged depression. Contribute to the return of a friend or relative to normal life at least for a few hours a day. Take a trip to a park, a movie theater, a photo exhibition, or a place where there are no people at all.

An excellent option would be home gatherings with pizza or rolls, another option for dishes is possible. Turn on modern comedy, but not with the effect of melodrama, turn up the volume and delve into it. Try to comment on the actions of the characters and change them in your own way. Be tactful, it would be inappropriate to invite to a nightclub where everyone around is drinking and having fun. Although you know better the preferences of a loved one.

Expression of emotions
You can't deal with strong emotions by keeping them deep inside. It is important to throw out all the pain, and you, as a friend, must help in this. Provide an opportunity to show the despair, resentment, disappointment and sadness that hurts the heart.

An improvement in the general condition, both physical and psychological, will occur only after the expression of a storm of feelings. There are times when in such situations a person closes. Provoke him with an appropriate conversation, but watch the reaction and don't overdo it.

Desire to speak out
The ability to listen is valued in the same way as the art of speaking. Listen to all the words of your opponent, do not interrupt. The story can be long and repeated several times, that's okay. Do not make remarks “You already told (a)” or “Stop repeating!”. If a friend does this, then it is necessary.

Take for granted everything that is said and happening, provide support, assent, if necessary. You don't have to sit and ponder who did the right thing and who didn't, or why it happened the way it did. Limit yourself to the use of monosyllabic phrases “yes, of course”, “of course”, “I understand”, “exactly noticed”.

Useful advice
After going through an emotional discharge and many hours of monologue, it is your time to speak. At this stage, share your own thoughts on this or that matter, be persuasive and do not question your words. Give similar examples from your life and tell how you coped with grief (if similar happened before).

Simulate the situation by putting yourself in the position of a friend. Being of sound mind, you have an undeniable advantage to use. Show concern and genuine concern for your emotional state. Perhaps the time has come to gently reason with the person about his erroneous actions and assumptions (if so).

Help
Offer to help around the apartment, do the cleaning and laundry. Pick up the kids from school, go to the store, pay the bills. Prepare or order a delicious dinner by buying a bottle of good wine. Surely you have an idea about the taste preferences of a loved one, play on it.

Of course, it will not be possible to restore the former balance in an instant, but you will clearly ease the situation. Help until the condition returns to normal and life returns to normal. It will take time, as always. This method is considered the most effective among all tested.

Assessment of the situation
It is important to understand the gravity of the situation, not to condemn or reproach. Perhaps a loved one will have unreasonable outbursts of anger, do not answer back. A mental storm makes people look at things differently, show indulgence and patience.

Do you see the absurdity of what is happening? Keep quiet, wait for a convenient moment to report it. Constant irritability is also common, take emotions with humor, turning everything into a joke. If you notice that you yourself are already on the verge, take a walk and gather your thoughts together.

A few steps ahead
Listen to your intuition, watch the reaction to actions and words. Judge by the situation and you will see progress. Do not use template methods, tears do not flow according to schedule. Be two steps ahead of a friend/relative, be always ready.

Man is a purely individual person. What works with one will fail with another. Empathy, constant attention, care - that's what really matters!

Everyone needs a solid shoulder of relatives during an illness. There are a number of recommendations developed specifically for this purpose.

Show love and make it clear that you value the person.
Prove that the disease did not affect your plans in any way, even if this is not true. It is important to show all the love and care, to make the patient feel needed.
Make plans to implement together after discharge. Arrange to go to the movies or visit your favorite bar, work out several options for spending time together.
For those who are not seriously ill, buy an interesting present in a comic form, hinting at a speedy recovery.
If you are colleagues, repeat more often about boring workdays without your buddy. Share funny stories that happened during your absence.
Come to the hospital as often as possible. Share news, contact the patient for advice / help, ask for an opinion.
Bring backgammon, checkers or poker to the clinic, borrow a friend. Everyone knows how boring bed rest can be. Have fun together and play pranks on each other if the ailment is not serious.
Create a normal room from the ward (as far as possible). Bring personal items from home, place a vase of flowers, or set up the kitchen table with a tablecloth and normal cutlery. If there are no contraindications, order your favorite food, as it is a source of good mood. Who doesn't love delicious food?
Download some movies to your laptop or purchase an e-book to brighten up the patient's gray days when he is alone.
The above methods are mostly effective for people with mild illnesses, but how to support someone who is seriously ill?

Be there every day, put aside all your affairs and make it clear that now only the health of your loved one is important to you. Buy nice little things, make gifts with your own hands and reveal secrets. Ask for advice, cheer up and do not let the patient lose heart. If he wants to talk about an illness, keep the conversation going and be gentle.

Your loved ones need you in times of despair, grief and emotional distress. Rely solely on intuition, act according to the situation and show indulgence. Look for the right words of support, provide comprehensive assistance, use effective methods of distraction. Show all the love and care you can, be around as often as you can. You know your loved ones well, help them and goodness will return a hundredfold!