How to get rid of codependency in relationships and gain freedom - practical advice from psychologists. How to get rid of codependency in a relationship

Codependency in a relationship is a pathological state of intense emotional, physical, or social dependence on a partner. Most often, the term is used in relation to relatives and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics, but there are exceptions. Codependency can occur in couples where there is a strong emotional attachment that contributes to the destruction of both partners.

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Signs of codependence

Many people confuse codependency in a relationship with true love. After all, what can make women endure alcoholics, tyrants and drug addicts for a long time, help them in every possible way to overcome life's difficulties? In such relationships there is neither love nor understanding, but they are built on a strong psychological dependence.

Love is not suffering and torment, but a union in which people do not collapse, but develop. In a normal relationship, there is no need to control a partner, protect and save him. People do not try to "fix" each other and do not use manipulation methods. Each person can make independent decisions and realize himself.

With emotional dependence, a person cannot act independently. It depends on the opinion of the beloved and his mood. He likes to take responsibility for the actions and behavior of others, and then blames everyone for his problems. He needs to feel needed, and for this he does not what he needs, but what is expected of him. He is afraid to disappoint others, and considers other people's problems his own.

Dependent relationships are characterized by:

• Rash acts.
• "Frozen" feelings.
• Delusions and self-deception.
• Constant guilt.
• Low self-esteem.
• Ignoring your own needs.
• Suppressed anger.
• Focus on others.
• Withdrawal and depressive behavior.
• Control over another person.

Codependent relationships are frequent quarrels and conflicts, a lot of criticism and resentment. A person believes that his partner should make him happy, and puts constant pressure on him. Without it, he cannot imagine life, and he can determine his identity only through relationships. Dependent people cannot perceive themselves as a separate person and create any alliance to solve problems.

How to get rid of guilt

Who benefits?

Codependents may take on the role of "rescuer", "persecutor", or "victim". The creator of the relationship is most often the “victim”. She throws all the responsibility for her life onto others and blames the "pursuer" for all the failures. The presence of a lifeguard is not mandatory. Each of the participants in such relations has its own benefit, which does not allow them to break the destructive game.

The “victim” can attribute all his failures to the “persecutor” and receive support and understanding from the outside. She needs sympathy and approval for her actions. In the presence of a "savior", she sees confirmation of her actions, but is not going to change anything. The "Savior" feels just as important and significant, so he tries to help the "victim", which, according to the psychology of relationships, turns out to be unsuccessful. Only if the "victim" can leave the "manipulatory triangle" will her life change.

Very often, after the rupture of the former dependent relationship, the “victim” finds a new “persecutor”. This is exactly what happens when a woman leaves a man suffering from alcoholism, and then finds a man with the same addiction. Subconsciously, she is looking for a partner who would help her fully open up in her role. The next search will not be successful until such a woman can change herself.

addiction is

How not to be in such a relationship?

Each person independently bears responsibility for his life and has his own vision of the world. Do not take on other people's duties and "save" other people. It never ends well and is destructive to relationships. An adult knows how to take responsibility for his own actions, and mistakes help him gain experience.

The formation of codependency occurs when a person begins to trust the responsibility for his life to a partner. In such relationships, there is strict control and management. Partners humiliate each other, often quarrel, there is assault. Every codependent person, even in such sad circumstances, has his own benefit and cannot refuse it.

Codependency has a particularly negative effect on families with children. Over time, the child ceases to appreciate and respect himself. He does not believe in his own strength and tries to get rid of responsibility. He believes that he must meet the needs of his parents, and if he does not, then he suffers from guilt. Over time, a vicious circle is formed, and when the child becomes an adult, codependence also appears in his family.

love addiction

exit stages

Renunciation of psychological dependence is difficult for all participants. It seems to a person that he needs to turn away from the most dear and close. Relinquishing codependency means returning to yourself. You need to learn to distinguish between areas of responsibility and take into account the feelings of loved ones in the family.

Often codependent people need the help of a qualified psychologist. Few people realize and accept the fact that you need to help yourself, and love relationships should be built without prejudice to your own interests. To get out of a codependent relationship, you need to admit that there is a problem and go through the following steps:

• Describe the relationship. Determine what does not suit them and what are the disagreements with the partner.
• Define your role. Make a list of emotions that are characteristic of relationships. Understand who is the "victim", "persecutor" and "savior".
• Get rid of codependency. You need to draw a triangle on the floor and stand in it. Recall all the experiences and emotions that were in the relationship. A person must clearly understand what makes him suffer and what he is dissatisfied with in a relationship. You need to mentally get out of them and leave all the negativity in the triangle, and then walk around the room and find a more comfortable zone.
• Assess the consequences. A person must compare what feelings were in the triangle, and what sensations are now outside of it.
• Describe your desired future. You need to think about how to create an ideal relationship with a partner. To do this, write down everything that needs to be corrected on a piece of paper.

A codependent person must realize their individual needs and learn how to satisfy them. If a woman needs communication, there is no need to wait for her husband from work to talk to him - you can call a friend. You can go to a club or park not only with your husband - you have friends for this, or you can do it alone.

Don't just rely on your partner. He may not even guess about the desires of the second half, no matter how obvious they may be. Man must take full responsibility for his life. All difficulties and problems should be overcome on their own and only as a last resort seek help.

The "victim" must learn to live firmly on his feet. You will have to take risks and take on a lot of responsibilities, but only this will help you become completely free and remove dependence on another person.

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What is codependency? This is one of the pathological states of the psyche, resulting from a rather strong social, emotional, and sometimes physical dependence of one person on another.

A similar term is often used today when talking about close relatives of drug addicts, gamblers, alcoholics, and people with other types of addiction.

Basic concept

What is codependency? To an ordinary person, this concept is practically unfamiliar. The term "codependency" arose as a result of studying the nature of chemical addictions, as well as their effects on people and the effect that such a disease can have on others.

To make the above more clear, let's look at specific examples. So, an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. A drug addict cannot live without drugs. The player is not able to get past the casino. But these people have relatives and relatives. They, in turn, are dependent on the same alcoholic, gambler and drug addict.

Based on life experience, each of us understands that people, albeit to varying degrees, are still dependent on each other. And if one of the family members is not able to live without drugs and alcohol? In this case, he not only destroys relationships with his loved ones, but also makes them co-dependent. In this case, the prefix "co-" indicates the combination, compatibility of states and actions. Thus, it becomes clear that dependence and codependence are different concepts. What is their main difference?

Definition of terms

Dependence and codependency have their own characteristics and traits. How do they differ from each other? This is worth talking about in more detail.

Everyone knows that in the modern world a person is constantly exposed to stress. To relieve it, there are many ways to relax and relieve stress. It can be sports or music, collecting or reading, the Internet and much more. The use of any of these methods is not something forbidden and unnatural. Indeed, while maintaining psychological comfort, life becomes full-blooded and saturated with communication and emotions. But this does not apply to those cases when one of the methods used for relaxation begins to dominate the others, gradually pushing real life into the background. In this case, addiction occurs, which is nothing more than an obsessive state of irresistible attraction to someone or something, which, moreover, is almost impossible to control. Such a state takes over a person's life. Everything else becomes simply uninteresting for him.

To date, addiction can occur not only from chemical compounds (alcohol, tobacco, drugs, etc.). It also happens from gambling and overeating, extreme sports, etc.

What is codependency? A similar term means a specific state, which is characterized by a strong preoccupation and preoccupation with the problems of another person. The result of such dependence is a pathological condition that affects all other relationships. You can call a co-dependent someone who at some point became cowardly and allowed another person to completely influence his life with his own behavior. Every day of such people and all their actions are aimed at exercising control over those who cannot live without alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.

Signs of codependence

The one whose life is completely subordinated to a loved one who is not able to give up addiction, as a rule, has low self-esteem. For example, a codependent woman believes that a man will love her only if he is surrounded by care and attention. In such couples, the spouse behaves like a capricious child. Sometimes he allows himself everything that his heart desires - does not work, drinks alcohol, insults a woman and cheats on her.

Also, a codependent person feels hatred for himself and constantly feels guilty. Often, anger arises in the soul of such people, manifesting itself in the form of uncontrolled aggression. Codependents are so focused on the lives of their loved ones that they constantly suppress emerging emotions and desires, not paying any attention to their own physical and psycho-emotional state. Such people are mostly focused on family problems and do not want to communicate with others. Such is the mentality of Russian families. It is not customary for our people to "take dirty linen out of the hut."

Very often, codependents do not have sexual relationships or have problems in intimate life. Such people in most cases are closed, constantly being in a depressed state. At times they do torture committing suicide.

What is codependency? It is a way of thinking and living. Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction leads to the fact that people begin to perceive this world distortedly. They deny the problem in their family, constantly engage in self-deception and are distinguished by illogical behavior.

Who is codependent?

People who are legally married or in love relationships with those who are addicted to drugs or alcoholism;

Parents of a dependent person;

Children of those who are ill with drug addiction or chronic alcoholism;

People who grew up in an emotionally depressed environment;

Suffering from addiction, but in a postmorbital or premorbital state.

female codependency

Often, representatives of the weaker sex believe that they should love and perceive a man exactly as he is. This is how codependency develops in a relationship. As a rule, this happens when a woman is terribly afraid that she will be left alone. Sometimes she suffers insults and humiliation, continuing to be in a vicious circle of such relationships. It is co-dependent women who say this phrase: “He doesn’t need me.”

Such relationships can last for years. However, they do not bring happiness to either a man or a woman who loves him. The wife tries to extinguish any conflicts that arise in the family, constantly takes care of her soulmate, feeling like a “savior”. Continuing to closely perceive the problems of a man, she eventually loses the distinction between her own "I" and the life of her husband. That is why very often absurd things can be heard from codependent women. These are, for example, such phrases as: "we drink" or "we inject heroin." Of course, ladies in this case do not become alcoholics or drug addicts. It's just that all their interests and attention are focused only on a loved one.

Codependency in a relationship does not allow a woman to adequately perceive compliments and praise. Having low self-esteem, such ladies very often depend on the opinions of other people. At the same time, they simply do not have their own. And only in their desire to help another person are codependents able to feel in demand and significant, believing that their life is filled with a special meaning.

Psychological help

How to get rid of codependency in a relationship? There are many original methods for this. The author of one of them is Zaitsev Sergey Nikolaevich. You can get acquainted with this technique by purchasing a brochure called "Codependency - the ability to love." This work is a kind of manual for loved ones and relatives of alcoholics and drug addicts. The allowance is intended to provide psychological assistance to codependent people and correct their behavior.

Those who suffer from hyper-love and excessive emotional involvement in the life of a person close to him who is in chemical addiction should read the book "Day by Day from Codependency". Its author is Melody Beatty. The book is written in the form of a diary, containing reflections on how to maintain prudence and calmness, being under the pressure of difficult circumstances.

It is worth noting that Melody Beatty herself was a dependent and co-dependent in the past. She was able to overcome her problems on her own, after which she began to actively help people in acquiring their "I", as well as in ridding their loved ones of drugs and alcoholism.

12 step program

Codependency can be observed in families with an unhealthy emotional background, as well as in very strict communities where religion comes first. A similar phenomenon occurs in cases of cohabitation with a dependent person for more than 6 months.

Liberation from codependency will eliminate the loss of one's own "I", constant discontent and depression, a sense of panic and many other problems that such a love phenomenon brings with it.

How to get rid of codependency in a relationship? "12 steps" is a program that will allow the patient to gradually come to the realization that his inner freedom is a great value. At the same time, he begins to understand that the pain that comes to him almost constantly is not at all an obligatory sign of love. Even vice versa.

How to get rid of codependency, while going through 12 successive stages?

Farewell to illusions

So, let's proceed to the first stage of liberation from codependency. And this step of overcoming the problem involves parting with the illusion of complete control over the situation. Recognition of the danger of the situation that has arisen allows you to transfer it from the unconscious, which is beyond the control of a person, into consciousness. Only then can the problem be solved with common sense. Thus, the treatment of codependency in the first stage involves the acquisition of reason.

When going through this step, the patient gains the awareness that the situation in which he finds himself cannot be changed on his own. Here you will need the help of experienced mentors or qualified psychologists. A mandatory start for recovery should be:

Willingness to change;

Abstraction from the need that completely captured the mind;

Willingness to self-evaluate.

Finding the source of power

How to get rid of codependence with alcoholism or drug addiction? After a person fully admits his inability to control the situation, he must determine the source of strength that would allow him to stay afloat. What could it be? Such a source is individual. That is why each patient must determine it for himself. Some people can be healed by faith in God. Someone is able to fix the problem by completely surrendering to their favorite work. For someone, his relatives and friends or the recommendations of the attending physicians who take part in the fate of their patients will become solid ground. Having taken the second step, a person should gain hope for a complete cure for the disease.

Decision-making

What should be the third step to overcome codependency? At this stage, a person must make a firm decision for himself and constantly follow it. Anyone who has relied on a certain source of power will need to comply with its rules of the game. This stage has its own secret. It consists in the fact that submission to one force or another should not become the formation of a new codependence. It is a conscious decision made by a person that allows him to take concrete steps.

When the will of the patient is weakened, he can use a kind of crutch. They can be the Bible or instructions for doctors, a list of job responsibilities, etc.

Reasonable submission to objective conditions, and not to the momentary mood of another person, will allow the codependent to take a time out and serve as a kind of island on which he must look back at his previous life and give it an objective assessment.

Analysis of the situation

The fourth step of liberation from codependence will be the correlation of human impulses with objective reality. The chosen power will allow you to do this. It should become a kind of judge for the actions, thoughts and past of a person. It is this power that will allow the patient to impartially and honestly analyze the mistakes he has made, based on the postulates of morality.

Repentance

That feeling of guilt, which will certainly arise in the patient during ruthless introspection, must necessarily be directed outward. Otherwise, continuing to remain inside the patient, it will cause a deterioration in his state of mind. This is usually called remorse.

This step is the essence of the fifth stage of getting rid of codependency. Its passage allows you to identify the reasons that led to the formation of negative attitudes. Their acceptance will set the person free. After all, mistakes are securely sealed in the past, and understanding their origins will make it easier to eradicate this evil.

morale

What is typical for the sixth stage of getting rid of codependency? When going through this step, the patient must mentally prepare to get rid of his destructive love. He needs to understand that he will soon enter a new life and get rid of problems. At the same time, the patient says goodbye to the existing way of thinking, recognizing the possibility of power to change his life radically.

Specific actions

What should a codependent do at the seventh stage of correction? These must be concrete actions. The main source of energy will be the feeling of guilt, which keeps a person in a rigid framework. At this stage, the patient is encouraged to attend trainings and receive advice from those who were able to get rid of their codependency thanks to 12 consecutive steps.

Awareness

What happens during the passage of stage 8? A person begins to realize that in the past his behavior was selfish, which unconsciously caused pain to others. He is already ready to openly look into the eyes of the one whom he has tormented and offended, looking for ways and words to compensate for his manipulations and actions.

Compensation for damage

This stage of getting rid of codependency involves an analysis of the current situation. After all, it is clearly not enough to receive forgiveness. It is necessary to think over who suffered from the actions taken in order to compensate for the damage caused. And only the feeling that the debts have been paid and the guilt has been smoothed out will allow people to build comfortable relationships with others unencumbered by uncertainty and fear.

When going through this step, it is recommended to remember those positive hobbies that have faded into the background due to the addiction that has come. Then they should again be included in the list of their daily interests, which will allow you to recreate an independent and holistic system of positive life priorities.

self-rehabilitation

The tenth step away from codependency involves daily self-reflection, an honest admission of the mistakes you make. This will allow the patient to regain a sense of control over what is happening through a clear understanding of the situation. At the same time, for self-rehabilitation, the acquired skills of psychological hygiene, reflection, as well as transformation and withdrawal from negative experiences should be used. All this will allow to form a personality independent in assessments.

Self-improvement mindset

The eleventh stage of healing involves a practical ritual that involves turning to the healing power chosen by the person. This will bring the codependent's life in line with the new principles he has chosen.

Awareness of one's own value

At the last stage, the patient's self-esteem must be restored. He needs to realize his own significance and value, which come from a sense of usefulness for the surrounding people and society. A codependent acquires a completely different vector of activity and a new life meaning. It is expressed in helping other patients.

, Comments to record How to get rid of codependency in a relationship disabled

Hello!

I am very worried when my man does something without me, it really hurts me. How to get rid of codependency in a relationship?

Hello.

Co-dependence in relationships is manifested primarily in the fact that the boundaries between people are blurred, it is not clear who is responsible for what, where is whose territory.

If you are very worried when a man does something without you, this means that you perceive him as one with you or as something of your own, belonging to you. Maybe it seems to you that he is leaving you at this moment, and this revives the pain you have known for a long time. Such emotions are very unpleasant and it is not surprising that you want to get rid of them.

In such cases, it is usually advised to go about your own business and interests, but the difficulty is that in codependency, relationships are the most important thing in life and there is no point in pretending that this is not the case.

But in the relationship itself, you are constantly making choices that are driven by the desire to avoid conflict, continue to like and be together, and not what you really want. Or rather, it is clear that what you want most of all is for everything to be good in the relationship, and for this you often sacrifice your own, completely separate and individual interests.

It is difficult to figure out what these interests are and when you step over them on your own, but there are books that can help you with this, for example, "Liberation from codependency" by B. and D. Weinhold.

The most time-saving way to get rid of codependency in a relationship is to see a psychologist to help you analyze your relationship and your childhood, where relationship addiction came from.

With childhood, not everything is so simple. Almost any of us ourselves can say something like: “my mother did not pay attention to me, which is why it is so important for me that my husband is constantly next to me,” but what of it? Such an understanding of the past does not give an idea of ​​how to solve the problem in the present.

More importantly, how did you deal with your loneliness as a child, what did you do then to get the attention of your mother or to somehow survive his absence, because that is what you continue to do now. Children's ways of dealing with emotional problems are rarely adequate, but adults continue to resort to these methods because they are habitual.

You need to understand how you are trying to satisfy your needs now and whether it is possible to find a more adequate way, for example, ask a loved one for what you need. A codependent person is usually very shy about asking because he thinks he will be refused.

Or maybe this is how it is in your relationship now: your timid requests are not fulfilled, and you come to terms with it just like it was in childhood. However, the situation now is fundamentally different from what it was then: a child often cannot influence his parents if they cannot or do not want to meet him halfway.

The relationships of adults are based on the exchange and balance between what they give and what they receive, so it is now possible to defend your desires. The problem is that it doesn’t occur to me to do this or it’s scary to insist on what is very necessary.

The way to get rid of codependency is to gradually identify your needs and find ways to satisfy them in a relationship. The greatest need of codependent people - to be close to loved ones and the willingness to sacrifice anything for this - should not be taken into account, since none of your desires most likely implies a breakup anyway.

It is worth paying attention to smaller and seemingly insignificant needs. Once you learn to identify what you need and insist on it, you will begin to feel more independent and stop suffering so much from lack of attention or feeling abandoned if your partner is doing something else.

In feedback on my past articles on codependency in relationships, I received a lot of letters asking me to write recommendations on how to get rid of this scourge. Of course, the main recommendation is to turn to a psychologist for individual work with those features that lead to the fact that relationships are built exactly according to the co-dependent type. Here it is important to take into account that these traits are laid down quite early, even in childhood, in the course of assimilation of the very first experience of relationships - relationships with parents. Apparently, something in this experience was unsatisfactory, and therefore similar features were formed. Accordingly, since these traits are laid down in relationships, then they can also be changed within the framework of communication - communication with a psychologist (psychotherapist, psychoanalyst). If the relationship in which you are involved contains not only violations in the line of communication, but also violence (physical, sexual), severe addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction), then you should contact a specialist immediately. Working on codependent traits is a fairly lengthy process. The well-known psychologist-specialist in codependency Berry Weinhold in his book provides evidence that working with a psychologist in this direction, as a rule, takes from 2 to 5 years.

What can you do yourself?

Below I will try to formulate a few recommendations that may be useful to those who are now in such a relationship. Try to take this list critically, for sure not all of these recommendations will suit you, but perhaps some of this will be useful to you. Also, this list should not be considered complete, it is far from being the same, which is why I added “part 1” to the title of the article. I will try to write a continuation of the list in the near future. And note that in this list, I do not use priority - the first item is not necessarily the main one. I think that each person will have their own priorities, because everyone has their own life story. There are no identical people, respectively, and universal recommendations are hardly possible.

So the list is:

Pay attention to your feelings. Try regularly asking yourself how are you feeling right now? It may be difficult to answer this question at first. But the more you pay attention to this sensory sphere, the easier it will be to distinguish one state from another, and the more gradations will appear. In the initial stages, a cheat sheet in the form of a list of feelings can be useful. Make a list for yourself of what feelings are (here is the beginning of the list: anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, shame, joy, love, surprise ... continue this list so that you get 15-25 points).

Pay attention to your needs. Try to regularly ask yourself the question of what you want right now? What are you missing? Try to learn to answer this question honestly and without criticism for yourself.

Build your family tree. The work of compiling a family tree is good for gaining more confidence and for feeling some kind of support in life (“my family is my support”). Such work allows you not to forget that your ancestors lived before you, and since you live now, it means that they were able to cope with the life difficulties that fell to their lot. If they did it, then you can do it too, because you have their genes and upbringing (direct or indirect). Also, when compiling a tree, think about the conditions and situations in which your ancestors lived. What family values ​​could be formed and transmitted in this or that situation? For example, what kind of message for the family can be formed by a woman whose husband was killed during dispossession? For example, it can trigger a generic message not to be rich (“if you become rich, they will kill you during dispossession, so don’t be rich, sabotage your success”).

slow down. People in co-dependent relationships often tend to react impulsively to ongoing processes in the relationship. Try to slow down a bit and not react automatically. Automatic reactions are not always the best solution to a problem. So try to add more awareness to the relationship. Perhaps someone will remember how they received such advice as a child: before you commit an act, count to 10. There is some truth in this advice. It is this pause that opens up the opportunity for us to respond to the situation differently. At any given time, there are plenty of opportunities in front of us. But if we act automatically, then we close these possibilities for ourselves. Imagine that someone is rude to you in transport. In this situation, you can automatically respond with counter aggression, or you can pause and notice that there are many possible response options: you can respond with aggression, you can respond with friendliness, understanding, acceptance, detachment, a question, etc. Awareness of this choice is the merit of a pause, and the choice itself opens up a field of freedom and responsibility for us. And it may turn out that if you react differently to the words or actions of your partner, you will get a different development of the situation. The well-known psychotherapist James Bugental in his lectures often cited a metaphor-caricature from a newspaper, which depicts a family, dad, mom and a child that leaves the cinema, and the child asks his parents: “Dad, mom, are we alive or are we also on film? ". Bugenthal pointed out that this is the central question of our life - are we alive, or are we on film? And pauses, not impulsive reactions to situations, allow us to see the possibilities that we have and make our own choice, and not the choice dictated by previously built internal schemes.

Reduce anxiety and stress. Relaxation, massages, SPA treatments, etc. can help here. For more tips on this topic, see the article on relaxation skills:

Learn not to show negative feelings, but to talk about them. We all deal with negative feelings in a relationship sometimes, and how we communicate them to our partner matters. In extreme cases, one partner shows direct violence against the other. This is an example of a situation where aggressive feelings are expressed directly, which leads to the suffering of a partner and to the fact that something in his body and soul breaks. In other situations, an aggressive person may begin to humiliate, devalue or intimidate their partner. This is also aggression, also violence, emotional violence. Very often, an aggressive partner feels anger in himself, but cannot feel what is behind this anger (for example, helplessness and fear), and then he shares his feelings with his partner: showing his aggression, he expresses the anger that he feels, and seeing the fear and helplessness that appears in a partner, he internally rejoices that he himself does not feel this (as if he got rid of this state in himself). All of these described situations are destructive for the partner, destructive for the relationship and immoral. Therefore, it is important to learn not to show negative emotions to your partner, but to talk about them through speech. For example, say "you know when you switch the TV without my asking, I get angry." Such pronunciation of their emotional states can help in establishing a marital dialogue.

Do not wait for the appearance of sincere feelings on your part, but act as if you already have them. Often one of the partners believes that it is not worth imitating feelings if they are not there, therefore it is not worth showing the behavior to which they could induce. For example, a husband may report that he does not feel love for his wife, and therefore does not show tenderness, care, attention, etc. in his behavior. He seems to be waiting for his feelings to appear sooner or later, and then he will begin to show all this. But in practice, if you have chosen to live with this particular partner, it makes sense to act as if these feelings are there. Perhaps, over time, you will notice that this feeling will appear after your behavior. And if it does not appear, then the relationship itself will still be more harmonious than those where you do not show the appropriate behavior. Agree, it will be much more pleasant for a partner to receive at least something from you than to receive nothing. And his response is also not long in coming. In other words, this principle can be formulated as follows: if for you something is a value in a relationship, then you should not wait for any special conditions in order to demonstrate it.

The article was written by psychologist Roman Levykin (Record for a consultation:
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In the medical literature, it is customary to classify it as an addiction. Dependencies are divided into chemical and non-chemical, they distinguish different degrees of severity of manifestations and duration. Unfortunately, addiction also has a strong impact on family members of the addict. Often they are completely absorbed by caring for the addict, helping him to hide the manifestations of addiction and eliminate its especially difficult consequences. Such a situation in psychology is referred to as codependency.

The most complete definition of codependency today is as follows: a codependent is a person whose all efforts are aimed at controlling the behavior of another person to the detriment of their own needs.

Neglect of one's own needs is a key characteristic of a codependent. Sometimes a codependent sacrifices even the necessities of life for the sake of the illusory benefit of the addict.

Signs of a codependent person

Most of the characteristics of codependency can be grouped into several groups:

• An obsessive need to control the lives of relatives. Codependency in the family is control. Attempts are made to control not only the behavior of loved ones, but also the impression that the family makes on others. The more difficult the condition of the addict, the worse the situation in the family, the more energetically the codependent tries to influence it. Codependents are confident that they not only know better than others what is good and what is bad, but that they have the right to force family members to act as they see fit. And for this, any methods are used - threats, blackmail, persuasion, scandals. This emphasizes the helplessness of the ward, his inability to act independently. Often, attempts at total control turn against the most codependent, subjugating his whole life and leading to depression or bouts of uncontrollable anger.
• Low self-esteem. This trait influences all the others and creates the motivation for most of the actions of codependents. Due to low self-esteem, all their actions are aimed at obtaining approval from the outside, at building ideal relationships, creating an impeccable family. But since most codependents themselves come from dysfunctional families, they lack the communication skills in a normal family. Families created by co-dependents inherit pathological patterns of behavior. In the absence of approval and support, codependent individuals can become aggressive and intolerant.
• Desire to take care of others. This desire dominates the motivation of codependents. It determines all their actions. Often they take on more than they can do, earning various ailments. Codependents don't know how to say no. They will fulfill the request, even knowing its harm. Often such care does more harm than good - codependents buy alcohol for loved ones, get drugs at their request.

Causes of codependency

According to most psychologists, codependency develops in people who grew up in asocial families. Their parents or immediate family were addicted in some way. Often in families of codependents there are cases of physical punishment or violence. At the same time, the direct expression of feelings was forbidden, the child was pulled up, it was forbidden to cry and laugh.

There are times when a person with a flawless childhood marries an addict. If such a marriage lasts long enough, a previously healthy family member develops codependency. More often, codependency in family relationships occurs if both spouses are dependent people. In one of them, addiction is manifested by a painful addiction to alcohol or drugs, and in the other - codependence.

A significant role in the cultivation of codependency is played by conservative social institutions and religions. Repeatedly repeated "a woman must endure", in the end, becomes the truth, and a woman endures what is impossible and harmful to endure. Some religions also see a woman as a wordless element of patience and acceptance, which, when married to an addict, leads to the development of codependency.

Alas, in most cases, even when a relationship is broken, the codependent transfers the painful addiction to all new relationships, turning them into codependency. Treatment is the only way to break out of the vicious circle of codependency and return to a normal life.

Psychosomatics and codependency

Unfortunately, codependency often goes from a purely psychological problem to a physical one. Prolonged suppression of negative emotions eventually leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases. Depending on the constitution and the characteristics of the body's response, these can be spasms of blood vessels or smooth muscles, sleep disturbances, and impaired functioning of internal organs. Starting as a harmless ailment, it develops into such serious diseases as arterial hypertension, gastritis and colitis, bronchial asthma, peptic ulcer, psoriasis and others.

Ways of deliverance

To help a co-dependent, no matter how bitter it is to realize, only he himself can. There is a huge variety of treatments, but in all of them, the first step is to recognize the co-dependent that his condition is also an addiction. Fortunately, you can take this step at any time.

Ways that offer how to get rid of codependency, a huge variety. The following are the most commonly practiced in the world:

• Addiction and codependency education;
• marital therapy;
• Self-help groups.

Codependency is a family disease, so recovery of one person is impossible. In developed countries, family therapy is practiced, when both a person with addiction and a co-dependent person are treated in parallel. A wide variety of working methods are used: group classes, educational talks and lectures, training in stress management techniques, individual and pair work with a psychologist, watching videos and reading books with stories of cures, talking and sharing experiences with cured people, monitoring their condition using diaries and questionnaires.

The entire course of treatment takes place in a hospital, patients almost around the clock perform various therapeutic procedures. They have a minimum of free time and almost no opportunity to continue co-dependent relationships. This is one of the important medical procedures.

We do not yet have specialized institutions that treat codependency. How to get rid of it becomes an individual problem. There are groups of psychological assistance, group and individual classes are held in specialized centers, and many qualified psychologists work. But still, without the desire of a co-dependent, no one will help him change.

The main problem of a codependent is low self-esteem and a lot of fears. The most common of them:

• Fear of loneliness. The addict, for all his shortcomings, will always be there, will need help, you can take care of him and take care of him.
• Fear of judgment."What will the neighbors say?" - the question at first glance is not so significant, but extremely important for the codependent. What will they say to the constant scandals, antics for the sake of alcohol, a sloppy appearance? This pushes the co-dependent to voluntarily purchase alcohol - otherwise there will be a scandal, to issue fake sick leave - otherwise they will be fired from work, to lie to others and other actions in order to create the illusion of a normal family.
• Fear for the addict. That it will hurt him, that he will commit suicide because of the breakdown, that he will go to prison. The behavior of a codependent often leads to exactly the consequences that he was afraid of. But he tried to prevent it.
• And the most difficult thing is the fear of your personal, separate life. Fear or inability to choose your own path and therefore substituting it with concern for your neighbor.

These fears must be dealt with first.

The goal of any psychotherapeutic work with co-dependents is to separate them from the addicts, to allow them to live their own lives. Admitting you are codependent with your disease state is only the first step to getting started. Then begins the long hard work of recognizing addiction as a condition requiring intensive treatment. A treated addict nearby needs an independent, strong personality. The formation of this personality is the final stage with co-dependents.

What is codependency and how to get out of it?