How not to be afraid to get a new job. What will happen in the worst case? Signs and symptoms of fear

Today the women's site "Beautiful and Successful" will help you overcome the fear of a new job - a big obstacle to development.

This feeling is familiar to many women, regardless of their age, level of professionalism and the number of companies in which they managed to work. Starting all over again, joining the team, finding a common language, building relationships with new clients is always difficult. Difficult, but not scary!

In order to develop qualitatively as a professional, you need to change jobs every five to seven years, experts say. The times of achievements like “she gave 40 years of her life to her native enterprise” are long gone.

Today, having worked for more than five years in the same position without promotion, a person loses motivation for self-improvement. Whatever the reason you're changing companies, we'll show you how to overcome the fear of a new job, because change must be done with courage and confidence.

the site offers to consider the most common fears and doubts (which are experienced by about 76% of "recruits") and methods of dealing with them.

Newbie Fear

Perhaps the scariest thing about a new job is unfamiliar team. It is close-knit, with its own foundations and traditions, newcomers are not very favored here, at best they are ignored.

Do you know what this train of thought is called? Negative scenario! How you will be treated depends only on you.

Find a reasonable compromise between and so as not to seem like an upstart. Accept the rules of the new team, not counting those that disgust you. Since overcoming the fear of a new job means working with colleagues, be sure to attend the very first corporate event, training or team building event, it will help to join the team.

Fear of the new

More positive!

Surely, among your environment there are people who change jobs several times a year, do not experience discomfort and doubts and do not even think about how to overcome the fear of the next new job. Remember how they live, communicate, how quickly they converge with new people, what this approach to life gives them.

Remember that your future is only in your hands, and only you can influence it (including changing it for the worse). Think about how many times you have had to face the new and the unknown.

Finally, fear triggers the release of hormones that will keep you in good shape. On the other hand, if within a couple of days before a new job you lose sleep and peace, you will be distracted and overwhelmed, which means that the first working days will not work. Find a middle ground so that fear doesn't make you back down from what you really want to do - improve your life.

And the easiest way to eradicate the fear of a new job is to remember that there will be no memory left in just a couple of weeks. It is enough to immerse yourself in work, be friendly, get used to new routines and be responsible. Time will fly by quickly and you will feel as if you have been working here all your life!

Erofeevskaya Natalya

For a number of reasons, the old work has ceased to suit? A small salary, work volumes growing every week, loss of interest in fulfilling duties and their effectiveness, disagreements in the team, ... - you understand: yes, something urgently needs to be changed. But… as soon as it comes to a concrete realization and the search for a new job, you are seized by a monstrous panic, a stressful psychological rejection of cardinal changes in life and a physical tremor in the knees. What will be the new job responsibilities and will I be able to handle them? How friendly will the team be? How will the relationship with the leader develop? Will I survive the probationary period and not lose my self-esteem? So many questions and not a single answer until you open that very new door to a new office.

Often, the fear of a new job literally paralyzes: perhaps such a fear, inexplicable by modern intelligence, has been going on since ancient Soviet times, when running from one workplace to another was simply not accepted. A real Soviet person went to work immediately after an institute or technical school and worked in one place and in one work team until retirement. “She gave forty-five years to our enterprise!”, “He went through a difficult labor path from an apprentice to a foreman!” - familiar? , as they say, for centuries and, even if something did not suit them very much, they put up with it, not dreaming of a new job. The conservatism of thinking has gone away over time, and people no longer cling to their work, but fear ... fear of the new and unknown remains.

According to psychologists, changing jobs every four or five years is not only recommended, but also necessary, because this allows you to move on, acquire new skills and abilities, develop flexibility of thinking and not “grow with moss on the spot.” But a lot of people are crushed by a natural desire to change something - and all because of it: fear of a new job and a new team.

Why are people afraid of a new job?

Of course, not everyone strives for novelty in their work: someone will find it much more convenient and calmer to have such a familiar workplace with duties learned by heart and the same work performed day in and day out to automatism. Everything is familiar here and why change to something new? But another category, and it is these people that will be discussed in the article, is terrified of changing jobs after sitting for several years in one place - even if a better salary and better conditions are expected there. Why? There are several reasons for this:

Such people will certainly, when thinking about changing jobs, ask themselves questions: what if in a new job you have to do something that you have not encountered before? What if I'm not smart enough and look stupid? Suddenly, new opportunities will turn into a protracted exhaustion of nerves and the realization of one's own incompetence?
. If a person is not distinguished by sociability and it is difficult for him to make new acquaintances, including business ones, it is especially acute in another work collective. This is not entirely the fault of the worker himself - a lot depends on the team in which he comes. , for example, a newly arrived woman may not be accepted at all - communication will remain alien and aggressive, no matter what you do. Another negative option may be your coming to the place of a person who was loved and respected in the team, but due to circumstances he can no longer work: constant comparison with him may be far from in your favor.
Twisting yourself. Sitting and thinking endlessly about new people, new tasks, a new office, realizing that you are not ready to break away from a warm and so familiar place, can lead to enough. You should either calm down and let go of the thought of possible prospects, or take a breath and exhale and plunge headlong into a new working life, solving problems as they arise.
Fear of the authorities - this point partially follows from the first: low self-esteem does not allow you to immediately position yourself as a competent, punctual and responsible employee, and therefore a person begins to tremble even before entering the boss's office. If the boss turns out to be correct and gives time to adapt to the duties and the new team - cheers, this difficult psychologically and emotionally stage will pass almost imperceptibly for you. If the leader is strict, harsh and unfriendly, then the development of a negative scenario is also possible.

The scale of the new work is intimidating. Moreover, the “scale” is literally: it is psychologically difficult to move from a small cozy office to a huge glass office. A person gets used not only to the environment, but also to the volumes of this environment.

The reasons for the fear of a new job, of course, have a psychological background, and therefore, only by dealing with them, you can overcome this depressing phobia.

How to deal with the fear of a new job

It happens that the thought of a new job is exhausting not only emotionally, but also physically: a person loses his appetite, at night he has nightmares with an animal boss, angry colleagues and dissatisfied customers (if work in the service sector is supposed), his head hurts, blood pressure jumps sweaty palms and difficulty breathing. These are all manifestations, with which it is almost impossible to cope with simple self-exhortations - you need to seek the advice of a psychologist or, which many choose, give up thinking about new perspectives.

If the fear of a new job is not so strong, then try to "persuade" yourself: in the end, you can always just try - and if you "do not settle down" in a new place, move on in search of real interest and comfort.

Talk to yourself: if the pros of a new job outweigh the cons, and the desire to change your life is still strong, there is every chance of finding a new and interesting activity

Ambitious people will be spurred on by the possibility of their own professional growth and the acquisition of useful skills: if the future work promises to be successful in terms of career, then in order to achieve the desired goal, a person is capable of much - fear will recede by itself.

New people - different people

The new labor collective is not teenage children who are able to “smear” the newcomer. In your thoughts, start from the fact that adults will meet you - of course, they will not hug and kiss you, this is not America. And if you are met with indifference - well, that's not bad: having figured out how to behave in a new team, over time you will become part of this close-knit team. Try to belittle your abilities less, don’t cry over your own clumsiness and mistakes (everyone has them), don’t hold yourself arrogantly, but don’t try to get close to colleagues in the very first days. Stop, look, listen more than you talk, don't be intrusive and don't torment yourself with the questions: "What are they talking about behind my back?" and “How do they look at me?”.

Morally, one should also prepare oneself for the fact that even a wonderful person cannot always be accepted by an established team, and he will remain an outsider: well, this makes it possible to concentrate only on working moments and working relationships.

If you are afraid of new people, including at work, develop a sense of independence and self-confidence, get rid of hypersensitivity to the opinions of others

Lonely people of both sexes, panicking in front of new colleagues, will be helped by the thought: what if I meet Her or Him there? Think about it - after all, it often happens: and then you won’t drag yourself to work, like hard labor, but fly on wings.

Fear of a new leader

Fear of the boss is a separate category of “working” fears: there is always a risk of getting a new leader, even without changing jobs. This is not the worst case scenario: you remained in the same team, at your same workplace, it is possible that the work performed will remain the same. But people are different, and leaders also meet with different characters and visions of the work of the organization - from literate and correct people to petty tyrants and adherents of the totalitarian regime. Whether or not you are afraid of a new boss, there are only two options: either you learn to communicate with the boss, despite his views on work and subordinates, or you should think about finding a new job.

Getting along with your boss is a whole science, the study of which will have to be (whether you like it or not) approached responsibly and seriously. The leader is the person on whom your working life and acceptance of its results directly depend. After all, a lot of requirements are also presented to the boss, which, if necessary, you can clarify: the specifics of the tasks set, job duties and the possibility of their execution (including technical), criteria for evaluating the work done. Yes, not all bosses are good, and sometimes you may have to - this is also a communication experience, and it will certainly come in handy in the future.

And again - like the first time? ..

A lot depends on the temperament and character of the job seeker himself: some take both sidelong glances and whispers of colleagues in the corners to heart, others distance themselves so much that such “impenetrability” will border on indifference and unhealthy indifference. Sociable people usually do not suffer from questions about how comfortable they will seem in a new, unfamiliar place - relying on the strength of their own, they will indeed be in the black. A cheerful and sociable character, unwillingness to gossip, and the right attitude to work do wonders: it is easy for such a person to adapt to the new business community, make friends, and create normal contact with the boss.

It will be more difficult for those who relate, but such people usually do not strive to work in huge companies with hundreds of employees - they understand that they feel more comfortable, more confident and calmer in a chamber-sized office with a minimum of colleagues.

Separately, it is worth noting the case when the negative experience of starting a new job has already taken place in life - yes, then I had to endure the boss’s chicanery, the lack of help and understanding of colleagues, and possible mistakes in work duties. If a person has drawn conclusions for himself, then, despite the fear of another job, it will be easier for him even with a sad past experience. In such cases, it is important not to allow yourself to self-program yourself for another work failure: the scenario will not necessarily repeat itself, and therefore go to “first class for the first time” with pleasant excitement and expectations of only positive and useful things.

And finally. The only really effective way to get around the fear of a new job and a new team is the need for “daily bread”: a person must support himself, and if he also has a family and children, then the need to earn money to support them, pay utility bills, education, clothes and shoes throws aside all sorts of fears. For the sake of the wages necessary for life, people are able to give up even their own phobias cherished over the years: fear will give way to interest and vital necessity, stress will pass, and changes in the working biography will turn out to be for the better - you won’t know until you try!

January 17, 2014

How to overcome the fear of a new job? After all, it is because of him that many people do not change their lives.

Psychologists advise changing jobs every 3-4 years. This allows you to gain new knowledge and skills, helps you move forward and increases the flexibility of thinking. In a word, be active in life. However, many prefer to “hunch back” in one position for 10-15 years, or even their whole lives. This is because some are in a comfort zone and “cover with moss”, while others are terrified of the unknown.

So, how to overcome the fear of a new job? To deal with this problem, it is necessary, first of all, to find the causes and eliminate them.
Why is a new job scary?

Most people who have been in the same workplace for several years have already learned by heart all their duties and have brought actions to automatism. After that, they are terribly afraid to change jobs - even if conditions are better there and earnings are higher. Why is this happening, is it really the main thing at work - not to overwork? But not everything is so simple in our psychology.

Reasons for fear of a new job:

The conservatism of Soviet thinking. Inherent in people over 40 years old. In the USSR, it was customary to work in one place from college until retirement. At that time, a profession was chosen for life. Frequent change of job was considered a sign of insecurity, and sometimes parasitism!
Weak communication. The issue of adaptation among new people is very acute if a person is an introvert by nature. That is, he is not sociable enough and it is difficult for him to make acquaintances.
Low self-esteem. Expressed in the uncertainty of their abilities and knowledge. There is also a fear of looking stupid, showing one's incompetence, and often one can see in a person a dependence on the surrounding opinion.
Fear of the boss. Low self-esteem makes it difficult to show oneself as a reliable, responsible and knowledgeable employee, so a person begins to get nervous even before a conversation with a new boss.
Twisting yourself. You should not constantly think about new colleagues, responsibilities and possible problems. This can cause severe stress. You need to calm down and forget about future prospects, or completely immerse yourself in a new job. Problems should be solved only as they appear.

It is known that the reasons for the fear of a new job are connected with the psychological background.

To overcome fear, you need to change your beliefs!

How to understand your inner feelings and overcome your fear of a new job?

For especially impressionable people, the mere idea of a new workplace exhausts them psychologically and physically. A panic attack may occur: loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, sweating, pressure surges.

You can get rid of fear like this:

write on paper all the pros and cons of a new job;
calmly think about your phobias and find their cause;
document all your skills and responsibilities that you performed at your previous job;
set yourself up for success and try to direct your thoughts in a positive direction.

Our big and scary boss!

Fear of superiors can be acquired, even while remaining at the same job. This is far from the worst version of the development of events: the person remains in the same position and in the same team. Each leader has his own vision of the organization. There are both literate intellectuals and outright boorish tyrants. Relations with the boss is a science that must be mastered with all seriousness and responsibility. After all, the work activity of the employee completely depends on it.

Prepare before talking to your boss. Gently ask colleagues about his character: what makes him furious, what does he need from an employee, etc. This information will be worth its weight in gold. The conversation should be started diplomatically and politely. Speak only to the point. Don't position yourself as a nerd. As a rule, it repels a person. Do not loudly praise your boss for his achievements, but modestly admire. However, here it is important not to overdo it, toadying is unacceptable. In appropriate cases, advice can be given on work matters. A good leader will be grateful for constructive support.

Any boss appreciates the responsibility of the employee. So do your job well, show results and be punctual. High-quality work will bring praise and in the future - an increase in the career ladder.

New team: future friends or enemies?

A strong fear of a new team increases the likelihood of failure. To get in there, try following these guidelines:

take a talisman with you, if you have one;
say hello and smile to all employees, so you will show yourself as a friendly and benevolent person;
first study corporate etiquette and rules;
do not compare new work with old;
listen more and talk less, it is better to refrain from the details of your personal life;
no need to immediately redo everything for yourself;
keep it simple and be yourself, falsehood is noticed immediately;
no need to snitch or “knock” on colleagues.

Ultimately, a new employee is evaluated on his professional qualities. Conscientiously fulfill your duties, be ready to help, and soon you will achieve the respect and location of your colleagues. So the fear of a new job can be considered overcome, and you will wake up with pleasure in the morning.

"I can handle" – is it about you?

Fear of unfamiliar responsibilities is based on low self-esteem. Challenge yourself! Don't be afraid to take on difficult jobs. When you get down to it, you simply will not have time to be afraid. Remember that learning new things always moves you forward. Training and constant development will gradually replace the fear of work, and you will be a professional in your work.

What will happen in the worst case?

A new job is a change not only in the bosses, team and responsibilities, but also in the usual rhythm of life, work schedule, and sometimes the place of residence. This is especially hard for people who have been in the comfort zone for a long time and have difficulty giving up their habits. How to be? To rid yourself of the fear of a new life, you need to change your lifestyle even before settling in a new place. You can go in for sports, find a new hobby, change your image. Not only the rhythm of life is changing, but also the way of thinking. The fear of everything new will disappear, as will the fear of a new job.

If this does not help, there is a special exercise to overcome the unpleasant chill of nervousness. Imagine the worst thing happened at a new job where you didn't make it. Will you be fired? Are you looking for a job again? Are you going to interview again? But you've already been through this! Maybe it's just not your job. As soon as you feel the whole situation, the stress will decrease a lot. This experience is quite useful, even if it is not real.

And finally. The surest and most effective method to stop being afraid of a new job is the need for “daily bread”. Money is always needed for life: a person must provide for himself, pay for education and all kinds of payments, buy clothes and food. And if there is a family, then these expenses increase several times. In these cases, all kinds of phobias must be thrown aside. And the question of how to overcome the fear of a new job will disappear by itself. Over time, interest and vital need will take the place of fear.

In general, if you want to become the Master of your Life, then forget about the words “I'm afraid” and “I can't”. Study the course and get yourself the job you want!

Question to the psychologist:

Then there was 2 work, I was called to it even before this one, they said: "Learn such and such a program and come." And this program was taught to me at my first job. After that I went to 2 jobs. At the 2nd job, they didn’t register me either, but they paid good money, almost 2 times more than I stated as the desired salary, but at the 2nd job, it made itself felt that in 3 months I didn’t learn so much from this program, in which the 2nd company worked. There were many difficulties, I always pulled the director to help me. The director was wonderful, he helped politely, once he only said that I had a rather poor knowledge of this program, after which I signed up for courses on this program the next day, for which I paid more than 1 of my salary at this company, but it did not help. Exactly after 3 months of the agreed probationary period, under the pretext that, they say, the situation has changed, and they will not expand the staff, they fired me, although they did not issue these either. Then I indirectly found out that they took another girl in my place (they changed my name to her in my work e-mail), although I was told that they need a very experienced employee, because they are leaving for another country, and they I need someone who will work independently, but I, they say, can’t. Well, that girl studied with me ... She has, accordingly, not much more experience than I have. And at the end of her probationary period, I saw her in broad daylight on the street in an area that is very far from her place of work, and she stood with a displeased face. I assume that she was also fired, because while I was working, I only left the office for lunch, of course, the situations may be different, but I assume that she was also used, like me, for junk work that no one wants to do. Why did I assume so? Because the first job offer came to me in October, and my test ended in June, well, and the test of the second girl - in October. So really for a year it was impossible to find to itself the employee? I was disappointed with another company. Even before all these jobs, I tried to get a job in my last year, but I was shaking so much at interviews that they didn’t take me anywhere. I was at 2 interviews, but apart from them I wrote to many people, called, and everyone refused. These rejections were very difficult for me to bear. After 1 such refusal, I could sit for a day feeling my own worthlessness. After graduating from university, I fearfully put off starting my job search for 3 months. After these 2 interviews, I was wildly scared, and I was looking for reasons why not, fortunately, my husband supported me. Husband, but no other relatives. Other relatives have taken it upon themselves to keep me from forgetting that I don't have a job yet. They weren't aggressive, but they kept asking, "Did you find a job? Have you found it now? Have you already found a job? No? When will you find it?" Mom was the most worried, she periodically called, and either talked about the importance of the work, or said that I was doing well, and everything would work out for me, in short, she was very worried, she even found some aunt who promised to arrange me, but we waited 3 month, she called and said she got me a job in college as a teacher... Well, teaching is not my thing at all. I have a creative specialty and I didn’t want to change it to the field of education. I understood that if I became a teacher, firstly, with my nervous system, these kids would bring me down, and secondly, the experience in the field of education would not give me any advantages when I decided to change my job to a more creative one. This has already happened to my girlfriend. She agreed to teach, and then for 3 months she could not find a job, until her dad, through an acquaintance, shoved her in, and he didn’t even identify her by specialty. I refused that job. And I must say that I have no regrets. I think that it would be much more difficult with students, because there were lectures and practices to be given, but what kind of lectures can I give? Yes, none. Now I've been out of work for half a year since my last job. I am terribly offended by those employers who deceived me. It seems that all of them are like that, and those who are not like that have very big demands that I can't handle. Now I go to courses. The courses are my only cover, why I don't work... But I understand that they will still end, and then I imagine what a shock I will experience, that I will have to look for a job again. I want to open my own small business, work for myself. My husband supports me in everything, pays for courses, says that it doesn’t matter to him, that even if I am a housewife, I feel his neglect not when he says this, but in his behavior. He acts like I owe him. Now the whole house is on me, and I'm not complaining, I understand that this is fair, but he needs more. He scatters everything, does not clean up after himself, and says to my remarks, they say, you are still at home. It gets to the point that I cleaned the kitchen, went to clean the room, I return to the kitchen after cleaning the room - again some nonsense is lying on the table: scraps from sausage, something from the refrigerator, bread outside the bread box. Literally a day I will relax - and on all fronts there are already heaps: in the kitchen there are heaps, in the room there are heaps. .. His argument: "What's difficult for you?" It’s not difficult for me to clean 1 time, but to clean endlessly, right on the heels and making sure that he doesn’t put in place, that he doesn’t return to the refrigerator - this is wildly annoying. In addition, he does not appreciate cleaning, he forgets to say "thank you" when I spent 3 hours at the stove to cook for him, in short, little things, but unpleasant, because there are too many of these little things. In his defense, I can say that it was customary in his family, his house was full of rubbish, and in my case, on the contrary, my mother always followed on my heels, made comments to me, cursed. Now I feel like my mother, but I absolutely do not want to be her. But that is not all. Lately I have been very afraid to start working. I’m scared that they will deceive me, they won’t register me again, I’m afraid to interact with people, suddenly they don’t like me, I’m afraid to show any activity at all, I plunge into some incredible laziness and depression. I get sick very often. One sneeze and I already got sick. It seems to me that all these illnesses are just an excuse why I miss courses, why I don’t want to go to work. I have a simple runny nose and feel like I'm dying. Am I a pretender? Maybe these illnesses are just an excuse why I don't do what I'm afraid of? On the other hand, I feel like a complete nonentity sitting on my husband's neck. I never thought that I could live at the expense of others, but it turns out I can. This just gives up. Recently, the opinion of my mother and grandmother was still very much pressed. They pressed with their questions, when will I go to work, they began to have thoughts of suicide, but then my husband helped me cope with them, said that why do I listen to my mother at all, she lived all her life in the USSR, and she had a different life , other conditions, and therefore she does not understand you. Then it dawned on me, and her advice ceased to weigh me down. In addition, I answered her sharply, after which she stopped pestering me. I don't know how to overcome this fear of work. Help, please, I'm just going crazy in 4 walls from idleness and longing. I feel inadequate without a job. And I don’t like all these schedules: get up at 8, arrive at 9, leave at 6 and cook food until 9. I want my own business, to work for myself, to be a freelancer, but this is much more scary for me than interviewing and going to work. I'm scared that I'll be a bad specialist, and people will spit on what projects I do for them. And I'm also afraid that because of my mistake they may have serious problems. Since it is written in the conditions to tell about my family, I’ll tell you about it: our mother is the head of the family, she always baled dad, baled, baled and baled. He left the family, comes once a week, but does not give a divorce. He even stole her passport from her when she filed for divorce so that they would not be divorced, but nothing changes: mom scandalizes, but dad suffers and does not return to the family. Moreover, my mother scandalizes over trifles: he didn’t clean the sink, didn’t fix something, didn’t bring it, didn’t give money on time, and if he did, he gave little (he really doesn’t give much, only for an apartment). Yes, dad has a lot of problems, but I think that mom will not achieve anything with such scandals, rather, on the contrary. I have heard these cries and scandals since childhood. Dad left the family when I entered the university, and so all his life he only came to spend the night, by 12 at night, and at 6-8 in the morning he went to work, and after work he went to the village to help his parents. They have large plots of land, a lot of livestock, and there is a lot of work. He helped, but at night he always spent the night at home. This was another reason to quarrel. I think even the main ones. Mom did not want to go to the village. I don’t know what happened to them, but she says that they don’t like her there, although my grandmother on my father’s side is the sweetest woman, and my grandfather died a long time ago. Here the grandfather could give the country coal. He once told her that, they say, his son married a violinist, but what can she do? Poor, poor, she doesn’t know how to work on the land, but it turned out that my mother helped them on an equal basis with them: from morning to evening in the summer she plowed their plantations so that they would not only consider her a white hand. And she milked the cows, and weeded the weeds, and harvested the hay, in short, she did almost everything except the dirty work. I don’t know the situation for certain, but I think that my mother, probably, like me, simply found a reason (allegedly, my father’s family disliked her) not to do what she didn’t want, but these are just my assumptions. In general, when her father left, she began to break down on me: the pressure on cleanliness, unwashed mugs intensified. I made a promise to myself that I would never be like her, but every now and then I see her traits in myself: this penchant for cleaning, psychos, scandals. Of course, not to the same extent as hers, but all this constantly slips, and yet I don’t work yet, and when a person is stressed, he is even more nervous. I can also tell you about my studies: at school I studied perfectly. At first because I liked it, then my performance dropped, but there was a guy who I liked, he started to mock me, they say, I'm dumber than him, because usually I was in 3rd place in my class, and one day it turned out that he was 3rd , and I'm on 4, although it has always been the other way around. So his mockery touched me, and I decided to show him Kuzkin's mother, as they say. Actually, I used to be a fighter. I conditionally said I fought to the last, but at the university they broke me. The teachers were absolutely stupid, they did not know the answers to any questions that were outside the scope of their lectures, although this question was in their subject. I never met such stupidity in school. At school, whatever you ask a teacher, even the most difficult, not even from a textbook, he always knew the answer. There were exceptions, but these were few, and at the university there were 80 percent of them. Despite the fact that they were authoritarian, they always tried to humiliate students, brought them to tears (not me, but other students), all their messages boiled down to the fact that you everyone is nobody here, and we are gods here, and the gods are not mistaken. Moreover, it happened that they do work for you, show, they say, how it should be, for the next lesson I brought them their own sketch, and they scolded it as if I had drawn it, although they simply forgot that 2 days ago they themselves and painted. In short, terribly absurd training. At first I did not obey, and then they broke me. I've always been the scapegoat. I went to all the couples, I did everything on time, and they humiliate the very first ones until the deadline is right, and then hand over what you have. And now 6 years of these humiliations went through my self-esteem. I became inert, stopped fighting, more and more often I feel a sense of despair and hopelessness. Please help me overcome my fear of work. How to overcome it, overcome this laziness and constant procrastination. Thanks in advance for your answers.

The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.

Ekaterina, hello!

I just want to write thank you for the time spent, that they tried to describe everything in such detail, for openness. This is important and valuable. For my part, I will try to write an answer in the same detail and openly, which, perhaps, will be of some use to you.

I see the problem in a slightly different light. It's not the fear of work, job interviews, laziness, and procrastination that you have to deal with. These are all consequences. The reason is in a different plane - in your perfectionism, which pretty much spoils life, this time. And the second, you call "a heightened sense of justice." I would call these attacks a little differently: an inadequate assessment of reality and interpersonal boundaries in different areas of life.

Let's start with the first one - perfectionism. The fact is that in nature, in life, as in man, everything must be in balance. In the middle. Neither right nor left. If a person's hemoglobin level in the blood rises, he becomes ill. If all indicators are normal, the body is stable. So it is with the psyche, with the character. All feelings and traits of character are present in us little by little. We all experience sometimes anger, sometimes love, sometimes sadness, sometimes happiness. But if the time when we are happy is negligible, and unhappiness and sadness prevails, we are talking about a serious violation and begin to suspect depression. So? So. Or love. You can give love to those who need it, or you can maniacally pursue the object of your obsession. And now a wonderful feeling becomes an ugly diagnosis. Do you agree? And now your perfectionism. There is, in fact, nothing wrong with it, until it begins to interfere with your life on the one hand, and on the other, until it begins to dictate to you how you should live. The simplest example is cleaning. If you're into cleanliness, that's great. But if you cannot tolerate an extra thing out of place, the relationship with your husband suffers from this - this is not great. What terrible thing will happen if you clean all the heaps and blockages in the apartment exactly once a week? (especially when you start working) Perhaps then the husband will have a different attitude to the order? If he does not want to live in the mud for another 5 days, let's say he can clean up after himself once again? And in the meantime, will you find a lot of free time for yourself, which you can spend with benefit and pleasure elsewhere?

Further. You don't give yourself the right to make mistakes. You aspire to be superhuman. I'm afraid to upset you ... but you're just a man. And you are designed to make mistakes and then learn from them. This is such a development mechanism for us. This is how we gain experience. Without mistakes, you can immediately just lie down and die. And to die for such a reason is ridiculous. It is much easier and more correct to slightly change your attitude towards your own shortcomings and weaknesses. Allow yourself to be imperfect, Katenka. You know that just as you do not allow others to be imperfect, you are also demanding of yourself. This is what makes your psyche so unstable, once, and secondly, hence (in particular) your frequent illnesses. Still would! You are self-sabotaging from the inside! You don’t accept yourself and don’t love yourself deep down! Where do you find the strength in yourself to resist stress and disease?! Still would. Psychosomatics screams at you that the system is unstable. That there are distortions and correction is urgently needed. Hemoglobin, relatively speaking, urgently needs to be raised :) And perfectionism should be moderately lowered to “a healthy desire for a good result”, “do it honestly”, “try and strive”, but NOT “take out the brain of yourself and others if something is not perfect ".

Now the second - borders. We all play different roles: daughter, employee, wife, girlfriend, colleague, student, classmate, etc. All these roles have their own boundaries - where the boundary of my responsibility and ability to influence something begins and ends, and where the boundary of another person's responsibility begins. So, you have difficulty with this. Your family legend (this is the psychological name of the phenomenon), which has been saying since the time of your grandfather, that the world is unfair, that it is necessary and important to expect a dirty trick and resentment from everyone, which is not good in certain conditions (for example, in working for someone) - imprinted on your subcortex with mother's milk. It is no wonder that you are so uncritical about this axiom in your understanding (about the injustice of the world and people in general). Although, this is a theory. Moreover, in general, the theorem is so-so ... it even hardly draws on a hypothesis. If you analyze in detail your experience with your first job, then the boss is a person who buys your time, your skills, knowledge (and all its results), experience (and all its results), creativity (and all its results !!! ), he rents your life for 8 hours a day. For this, he undertakes to pay you an equal equivalent in monetary terms. This is a mutually beneficial agreement. If you agree to the terms of employment, you agree to rent yourself out. If then you are uncomfortable with how much you are paid - these are your problems, roughly speaking, and not your employer. Didn't evaluate your life adequately from the very beginning? It's okay, everyone makes mistakes, then learn from them. Quit, draw your own conclusions that for such money you are not ready to give the results of your creativity and knowledge to competitions - and be grateful to life for the experience. But the employer, in general, has the right not only to appropriate your work, but to exhibit them on behalf of his company for which you work. Where is the injustice here? The family legend whispers that there must be a place where you need to be mortally offended and poison your life with resentment, disappointment, unjustified expectations and other sets of emotions and feelings that kill from the inside, which poisoned your grandfather's life in the same way? Well. This is your choice. But this is not the only true vision of the situation.

I understand that, perhaps, now you are very indignant inside my words and encounter resistance - this is normal. Whatever our views and beliefs are, they are ours. And when they try to shake them, question them, our psyche perceives this as a danger (the ground is knocked out from under their feet! They will leave me without the basis of a worldview!). And turns on defense mechanism- resistance (you can also read about it and how it works on the Internet, if you wish).

If you align your perfectionism and correct the boundaries, your unwillingness to work will go away. Those standards of requirements that you have set for yourself, work and everyone around you are unbearable for any normal, healthy psyche. That is why you are sick. That's why you procrastinate. Lower the bar a little bit of expectations, requirements. Try to accept more not only yourself with shortcomings, but also other people. Everyone has flaws. And everything. If you do not learn how to somehow harmoniously get along with this, endless and ever-growing problems await you.

I understand that the task is not an easy one, such things do not change in one day. If it is difficult to figure it all out on your own, contact a psychologist for help. You can also online :) If you need my further help, I will be glad to work with you! I wish you success and all the best!

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