How to stop being shy - notes of a former sociophobe

November 20, 2016 - One comment

“I was ashamed to ask the driver - got off 3 stops late”

(folk wisdom)

It's hard to be shy - there I was shy, here I was afraid, here I did not dare . And so all my life. Although ... is this life? Neither to say a toast, nor to sing in the company, nor to speak in public. Yes, and tired of being late for work - just get up the courage to talk to the driver, and your stop has already disappeared around the corner. Thank God, this is not the worst case yet. They say that some people leave the city like that. And yet, how to stop being shy?

My grandfather was afraid to ask the teacher at school, the teacher at the institute, and the employer at work. As a result, he was a loser, did not graduate from the institute, but received mere pennies.

Another example is my own sister. Going out into the street, she thinks that everyone is looking at her, that something is wrong with her and everyone is discussing her. She thinks she looks clumsy and finds fault with herself about it. As a result, he is constantly depressed.

Personally, I also did not escape this fate. Everything is fine in my personal life and at home, but at work, complete seams begin. Since childhood, I have been afraid to call someone and talk on the phone. And now I got to work, where I have to constantly call. I have to write down my speech in advance on a piece of paper, otherwise the language simply goes numb with excitement, and I am not able to say anything but a stream of incoherent interjections.

Ah… uh… mmm… I… well, you understand?!

In general, the “shyness gene” really poisoned the life of our entire family to the last knee. And it would have been so until the end of time, if not for one "but" ...

Who tends to be shy from birth?

All people are different. Few people will dispute this statement - it is so obvious. Someone is born assiduous, someone restless. Someone from an early age has absolute pitch, and on someone's ears a team of bears danced boogie-woogie. All these manifestations of innate properties in each of us are studied by Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology - the latest science of man.

She claims that among us there are people who are born with a special talent - to distinguish colors, to subtly feel the beauty of the world around us and get great pleasure from it. . System-vector psychology defines them as people with a visual vector. Growing up, they most often find themselves in such professions as a designer, photographer, artist, model or actress.

A visual person is very emotional and feels not only beauty, but also the emotions of the people around him. He is ready to sincerely sympathize with someone else's grief and just as sincerely laugh at someone else's joy, sharing his emotions with a person. Living such strong emotions together with others, a person with a visual vector feels internally calm, filled and happy.

And here lies one key feature of the visual person. The whole question is, to whom does he direct his emotions? There are only two options: for yourself and for the people around you.

In the second case, this is a beautiful and kind, balanced person. Perhaps he is doing volunteer work or performing on stage. Creates professional designs or paintings of incredible depth of talent. He radiates love outward, for which everyone around him loves him.

In the first case, everything is much more deplorable. The owner of the visual vector, obsessed with himself, begins to look for flaws in his appearance, clothes. Finds his figure, facial skin or speech imperfect. He begins to feel ashamed of himself, afraid to meet other people and even go out into the street.

Further more. Over time, a spectator who is closed on himself can generally become a recluse in his own apartment. Scientifically, a sociophobe. Is it necessary to say that the life of a person in such a state is simply unbearable?
How to avoid this unpleasant fate? Read on.

System-vector psychology gives very clear instructions on how to stop being embarrassed by a person with a visual vector. It sounds very succinctly like this - stop thinking about yourself beloved and turn your gaze to another person.

Surely you yourself have noticed that even the strongest shyness or fear of people goes away when you start talking to a person. Emotionally get involved in it, get involved in the conversation, empathize. Once - and you are already in the center of attention of the whole company, in a few minutes you have turned from a champion in restraint into a shirt-guy. Or a girl's shirt.

However, the problem is not solved by "life hacks" and "poultices" like the one above. Yes, they operate on some level, but in order to become more confident and stop being ashamed of yourself once and for all, something more is needed. It is necessary to understand what is the deepest root of embarrassment and fears. Then you will take control of your fears and they will disappear from your life forever.

You can understand the real root of fear at an online training in system-vector psychology. Over 18,000 people got their results confirming the effectiveness of the training. Many of them stopped being shy and stopped being afraid of people. Here's what they say about it themselves:

Fear has big eyes. Take action!

These unpleasant moments in life, where you have to blush, stutter and be shy. Where you have to be silent, passing your stop, unable to squeeze out even a word. Where you have to order everything online, down to a loaf of bread, because you can't leave the house or even call. Where you spend hours walking around the city in search of an address or in a store in search of the right product - unable to talk to passers-by or supermarket consultants.

Every person at least once in his life experienced a feeling of embarrassment, which manifested itself when he was in society and communicated with people. Sometimes shyness is a permanent feature in certain people, and it interferes not only with their social life, but also with their personal life.

The feeling of embarrassment arises in the form of an internal barrier that prevents normal communication with other people and the commission of some actions. Shyness is accompanied by feelings of timidity, awkwardness, stiffness, shyness. With shyness, a person cannot fully express his individuality. Even some talents are not revealed if they require the involvement of listeners or viewers.

Shyness does not make it possible to clearly and confidently formulate one's speech, and this is very important when applying for a job where employees are required who can speak and build communications with colleagues, a director, clients or partners. When meeting new people, a person becomes speechless. When he wants to get to know someone himself, he is afraid to approach and start a conversation.

Someone considers being shy to be normal. In fact, shyness helps to avoid some of the actions that can lead to embarrassing situations and condemnation by others. But if shyness is preventing you from speaking freely and living life to the fullest, then you need to find ways to stop being shy about people.

Why does shyness occur?

To get rid of the feeling of embarrassment, you first need to find out its causes.

Each school of psychology gives additional reasons for the resulting shyness, but most of these assumptions so far come down to isolated cases.

How to stop being embarrassed by people

In fact, shy people are subject to several factors at once. Therefore, one advice from a friend of a friend will not solve the problem - how to liberate yourself and stop being shy of people.

What you need to do to get rid of the overwhelming feeling of shyness

Other psychology tips on how to stop being shy and develop self-confidence

These tips, developed by the psychology of communication, have more than once rescued people from a difficult situation. By working on self-esteem and confidence, you will achieve great results in the fight against feelings of shyness and achieve all your goals.

"I'm shy of people" is a problem faced by many. And although the younger generation often suffers from it, some adults also suffer from it to one degree or another. In this article, I will tell you about how to stop being embarrassed by people and never do it again, and also permanently get rid of any other types of shyness, if any.

First of all, it should be said about why, in general, some begin to be shy of other people. Like any personal psychological problem, the roots of people's embarrassment grow from experienced episodes of the past.

• Firstly, we all encounter various unpleasant situations in interaction with others, which sometimes result in pain, fear, tears, embarrassment, shame, resentment, and other negative emotions and states. As a result, trying to no longer encounter negativity, we begin to avoid some situations and people themselves, and one day this may result in a stable personality trait - shyness.
• Secondly, throughout our life we ​​perceive a huge amount of information, some of which we turn into our opinions, beliefs, postulates, we ourselves set restrictions and prohibitions based on it. And so, for example, you can get the instructions from parents not to communicate with strangers, because they can be dangerous. Although such an attitude was given long ago in childhood and with good intentions, but, unfortunately, it remains in the head and continues to influence today's communication with strangers, causing fear and shyness. And you can, following someone, begin to consider shyness as a “good positive” quality, in contrast to the “bad” quality - arrogance. Well, we, of course, are good, not bad, so we are shy. :)
• Sometimes we just unwittingly copy shyness from someone close - we observe and adopt their behavior patterns, reactions, emotions. Remember your parents, other relatives, close circle of friends from childhood - maybe one of them is shy of people or was shy before?

The reasons for shyness, of course, are also individual for everyone, but one way or another, they all lie in the past, or rather, in domestic garbage, which was formed as a result of the once experienced, is a subconscious memory of experienced negative states and emotions, developed fears, fears, phobias, limiting beliefs, all kinds of internal prohibitions and other rubbish. It is with all this mental garbage that you need to deal with in order to finally stop being embarrassed by people.

How to get rid of internal garbage and stop being shy of people

To "I'm shy of people" has turned from a problem into an empty phrase, you need to come to grips with your past and sort out the rubble that it has generated in you. And although it is impossible to change your past, but you can completely eliminate its influence - and this will be more than enough to defeat the constraint in relation to people and, in general, completely over any psychological problem.

It is best to eliminate the influence of the past and cleanse yourself of any internal garbage with the help of subconscious, and that's why:

1. It is there, in the depths of your subconscious, that information about every episode of your life is stored. After all, much is no longer in the memory, but everything is in the subconscious!
2. The subconscious mind is not only a repository of data about a life lived, but also a very useful tool! With the help of your subconscious, you can not only find any episodes from your past (including even the first days of your life), but also, by setting a special algorithm, process them so that the negativity associated with these episodes and all the internal garbage generated by them completely disappear. At the same time, you don’t need to remember any episodes, you just need to point them out to your subconscious.
3. The incredible computing power of the subconscious mind allows you to do a huge amount of work - you can take out whole wagonloads of garbage that interferes with life, and not throw it out individually. So, for example. you can instruct your subconscious mind to work through all the episodes in which someone hurt you, or all those in which you could not do something because of your embarrassment of people. The subconscious will very clearly find all such episodes and process them perfectly! Moreover, in the background inconspicuous mode, which does not interfere with you doing your own thing.

Processing the past it's not a memory wipe. Your memories will remain safe and sound. It's just that if earlier you recalled some situations with unpleasant emotions or tried not to think about something in the past at all, then after processing you will be able to scroll through even the most terrible traumatic situations in your head without any negativity. Gradually, you will no longer have any desire to delve into your past. Finally, you can live here and now. :)

All that is needed in order to put your subconscious into work is to instruct it to process this or that problem according to a special algorithm. The algorithm is contained in instructions, each of which only needs to be read once and activated with a key phrase. And then go back to your business and get results. :)

There are already many such instructions (protocols) aimed at solving a variety of problems - all sorts of shyness, all sorts of fears, insecurities, money problems, relationship problems, and so on and so forth. You will also be able to create protocols yourself to solve your narrower problems, if suddenly something is not among the finished materials.

A unique technique that combines the above approach to working on yourself and contains ready-made instructions for solving a variety of personal problems is called Turbo Gopher. It is very easy to use and does not take much time, but requires a serious attitude to work. A detailed description of this system for working on yourself can be found in Dmitry Leushkin's guide book. "Turbo Gopher. How to stop fucking your brain and start living. On our website you can download this book in PDF format for free:



I will emphasize one important point - while working on your past in order to stop being shy of people, you should also not forget about all your other problems. Even if shyness is the most relevant for you at the moment, you need to work on yourself comprehensive for all issues. Such a need is caused by the interconnectedness of everything in the human psyche, in which it will not be possible to deal with one thing without doing everything that is nearby.

Even if you are very shy to communicate, talk with people, ask them something or talk about something, you are embarrassed to look into the eyes, get to know each other, even just to be among people - all this will remain in the past if you are serious about yourself work using the Turbo-Gopher system.

Read what those who have already solved a bunch of their problems with the help of the Turbo-Gopher system write, including embarrassment of people.

Feelings of shyness, embarrassment and awkwardness can take everyone by surprise. It doesn't matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert by nature. Perhaps this happens more often with people of a more quiet and modest warehouse, but everything happens in life. And getting into a situation that puts you in an awkward position and makes you feel shy, maybe an extrovert. Shyness is very closely related to such feelings as awkwardness, excessive modesty, shyness, constraint.

Where does this feeling come from?

As soon as you go out in public or get into an unfamiliar circle of people, shyness overcomes you, and there is nothing you can do about it. You begin to experience it when your attention is excessively directed only at yourself. You track your every step, gesture, words, you begin to control all your actions. And it begins to seem to you that all the attention and views of people are riveted on you, and they notice your every flaw. Such narcissism causes over-sensitivity to any words of others, and from this you feel even more shy and constrained.

Let's look at the feeling of shyness from a psychological point of view. This feeling is based on three components: excessive awkwardness, low self-esteem, negative self-attention. The feeling of awkwardness arises from the fact that you are constantly trying to control yourself everywhere and in everything, especially in the company of new people. Low self-esteem is formed from the fact that you see only your negative sides and traits. Negative self-attention is created in situations when you did something wrong as you would like, made a mistake, an oversight in public.

Can you deal with shyness?

It is not only possible to cope, but necessary. The following will describe ways to help you with this.

1. Deal with the reasons for the formation of shyness

Observe this feeling, when it occurs, under what circumstances, why and how it manifests itself in you. Understanding yourself is the first and most important step to any change or improvement in life. The answers to these questions will form the basis for further work on yourself.

2. Break the Habit of Constantly Evaluating Yourself

How I look, how I stand, what I say, whether I behave like this, how I look from the outside, and what others think about me ... Constant control of yourself and the situation will keep you in constant tension and constraint. You will not be able to relax, communicate easily with other people. Nobody evaluates you, people, in fact, pay little attention to each other. Everyone is busy with their own thoughts and with themselves, and they do not care about you. So you can breathe freely, no one is watching you closely. Better direct your attention inward. Just watch your train of thought.

3. Seek to see your strengths

Undoubtedly, each of us has his own unique characteristics and qualities. Find them in yourself, look at yourself from the outside, what do you have that you could be proud of. This will help you raise your low self-esteem and restore faith in yourself. Focus your attention on your strengths until you realize your originality and uniqueness.

4. Learn to accept yourself

Only after you do this will you like yourself again. Leave self-criticism. Love yourself for being an individual, because there is no such person in the entire Universe, and there never will be again. Learn to like yourself, to accept your body, your face with all the advantages and disadvantages.

5. Watch people

To shift your focus away from yourself, try to pay attention to the people around you, especially when you are in crowded places and a feeling of awkwardness creeps in on you. During a conversation, be extremely attentive to what your interlocutor says, how he expresses his thoughts, how he keeps himself in society. This will tell you how to behave.

6. Only say good things about yourself.

It is no secret that any spoken word carries a certain energy that can affect you. What we often repeat about ourselves is what we become. It happens unconsciously. But you can make this process conscious by repeating some positive statements, affirmations. Gradually, it will take root in you and work to your advantage. If every day you tell yourself that you are sociable, courageous, active people who love to spend time among other people, this will happen. You will be able to verify their effectiveness and efficiency for your personal growth.

7. Pay attention to moments when you feel shy

After conversations, cases and various situations where you feel shy and uncomfortable, analyze them. You need to learn how to take advantage of each such moment, work through them, making it so that you open yourself. You can always replay the situation to your advantage, using each mistake as an opportunity to work on yourself. Just be an observer of your feelings.

8. Don't be afraid when they tell you no.

Very often it is in such situations that a person feels awkward and shy. After a refusal, people are afraid to ask or ask something again. However, failures should not be afraid, it all depends on your attitude towards them. Do not take them painfully, be prepared that you may be told no to your request. Absolutely everyone in this life is denied, and you are no exception. Learn to accept rejection and respond calmly to them. No, it's not, ask someone else what you need. Learn from this lesson for yourself and draw conclusions. By the way, you will also not be superfluous to learn how to refuse people in a soft way. Being trouble-free is a thankless task that is not appreciated by anyone.

9. Don't demand too much from yourself.

When a person sets himself an overestimated bar and does not cope with it, and as a result he will be disappointed in himself and his strengths. Set realistic goals that you can achieve. Each small victory will develop your self-confidence. Self-esteem will begin to grow, and then you will be able to achieve much more.

10. Don't compare yourself to other people.

Each one is good in its own way. We are all created different, and when you compare, you erase your individuality and uniqueness. The very desire to be like someone else has a negative effect on you. There are new complexes, condemnations. You are beautiful just the way you were created, why should you be like someone else.

11. Start performing in public

This is a great way to quickly overcome shyness. Learn to express your opinion, speak first in a circle of friends, acquaintances, then at meetings and meetings with strangers or unfamiliar people. Then you can perform with a large number of people. Just prepare your speech ahead of time to be sure. Meet new people, thanks to this you will develop your communication skills.

12. And finally, be sure to do the following task

Think, and it is better to write down somewhere all your successes, victories, achievements that you had. When you write all this down, you will be surprised how much you have accomplished without noticing. Come back often to this list of your victories. This will give you back your confidence. Shyness grows because you do not believe in yourself, that you are capable of much. But when you look at this list of successes, even if not great ones, you will be pleased with yourself. And this is the most important thing. Love, appreciate yourself, work on your qualities and fight complexes. And you will certainly succeed.

You have the right to be anyone and such as you are, and shyness is not a disadvantage. But sometimes she gets in the way. Usually, the question of how to stop being closed and shy is asked by people whose work is connected with constant communication, and it doesn’t matter who the person works for: a salesman, a teacher or a lecturer. It's just that this character trait is needed the least here, and sometimes it just gets in the way. Another question, how to stop being shy, is asked by young guys and girls who want full communication with the opposite sex. Here, too, closeness is not too necessary, because it makes a person uninteresting. But before you start fighting with an unnecessary feature, let's understand the concepts.

Are you shy or withdrawn?

These are two different traits, but they are often combined in one person. Withdrawal or introversion is just as normal as friendliness and extroversion, it's just that you are self-sufficient and feel more comfortable alone or in a small company, and not in a large team or large-scale party. But the person is shy and would be happy to communicate with a large number of people and make contact, but they are prevented by a sense of anxiety due to communication. And a self-sufficient person may not experience this anxiety. That's all the difference. And the first thing to do in order to overcome shyness is to understand that no matter what you are, this is normal and there is nothing wrong. It is best to accept yourself as you are, and understand how to improve it all. How to start this "upgrade"? From introspection.

Introspection and conceit

People who are shy and insecure are so because of an exaggerated sense of awkwardness and shame. Therefore, it seems to them that others judge them as seriously and harshly as they themselves. There is a bit of egocentrism in this: it seems to us that so much attention is paid to our person that they notice every mistake or ridiculous act. But if this is observed anywhere, it is only in the teenage team. In most cases, only we ourselves pay attention to our absurdity, and people are very passionate about themselves and their absurdity.

That is why condemning yourself for a word or deed that you think is stupid is unproductive. But if you analyze your actions and look for mechanisms to make them not so funny, that's another matter. If you simply condemn yourself for not remembering the name of the person introduced to you, this is pointless, and if at the same time you are looking for a way to remember names, this is already a step towards overcoming complexes.

Don't think that people are watching your every move.

No, if you find yourself in a team of paranoid people, then this is real, but entire communities of such people are rare. You do not follow every breath and gesture of everyone who is present at a party or at work, do you? You are more engaged in what interests you and others are busy with the same. Therefore, if a colleague did not say hello to you, this does not mean that she is angry with you - perhaps she had a difficult morning. And if people giggle somewhere, then this is not over you, but over a joke.

Declare war on self-criticism. It is needed, yes, but in reasonable doses. And sometimes it even needs to be turned off. When you scroll through all your comments in a recent conversation or wonder if you offended a random acquaintance, it drives you even more into your shell. But everyone, even the geniuses of communication, make mistakes and have the right to make them. And that means you and even more so! Just don't focus on the negativity you've had with people today. It's better to keep track of the good and what you got right!

Find what makes you unique!

This is essential for developing self-confidence.

• Just write down a whole list of what you are proud of and admire about yourself. We often underestimate our talents and capabilities, but we need to appreciate them. Believe me, millions of people do not have the achievements that you have. And this is an occasion to create a list of all your talents and qualities, even the most insignificant ones. And be sure to be proud of it!

Visualize your own success!

This refers to success in society or at a party. Imagine that you are shining. And also think over the steps that will be needed for this brilliance: come up with topics, remember jokes that are appropriate in this company ...

Build your confidence!

• First of all, you need to develop your skills. This will raise your price, which means that shyness will fade into the background. And this is an excuse to go to classes on what interests you. There you will surely find like-minded people with whom it will be easier to communicate.
• Get out of your comfort zone. There is absolutely no need to jump with a parachute or run down the street naked. Look for where there is a comfort zone in everyday affairs and leave it, looking for something new and unusual in familiar things. Yes, at least just go to work or home by different roads every day.
• Goals should be simple. You will not become more sociable right away, but you can set yourself a simple goal, for example, to meet two girls in a day or chat with two people at a party. It's easier. And you can also get acquainted with the same shy and withdrawn people like you: they are probably very interesting people.
• Don't be afraid of mistakes. It can be repeated, but even the geniuses of communication and psychologists of the highest level commit them. You are even more allowed. Even if the person you would like to meet ignored you, the contact still took place.

More:

Get friendly!

• Position yourself as an open person: smile, nod your head, mirror the person, be interested in the narrator and the story ... And don't be afraid to ask more open questions. That is, not those that can be answered no or yes ... “Where did you buy such a beautiful suit?”, “Where is the best pastry in this city?”, “What is your favorite writer?”. All this fits.
• Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. You can share experiences, for example. It is better to do this when several people have already shared their opinions, experiences or stories. But it’s not very good to constantly crack only about yourself.
• Invite people! To your house, for coffee, to the cinema, organize meetings of interest ... even if people refuse, you will be perceived as a friendly and open person. It is important here not to be afraid of being rejected and to be prepared for the fact that you will also be invited. Do not refuse, because any communication you will need.
• Focus on the moment. Concentrate on the conversation, on the facial expressions of the participants, on who else has joined the conversation. Just have fun and don't think about something ridiculous you said five minutes ago.
• Read people. This will help you overcome your shyness and isolation. No, you don’t need to peer into every gesture, but you can learn to understand the mood of the interlocutor. Just like in the general mood of the group: what jokes are understandable here, are these people ready to accept strangers. And you can also pay attention to the behavior of each person: if he is relaxed and just walking, then he is disposed to communicate, and if he is nervous, then it is better not to approach at all.
• Find "your" social circle. It is not necessary, and it will not work, to be friends with everyone, but if you want to find “your” people, you need to experiment and go to different companies. Surely "your" people are somewhere...
• Accept your isolation. You will not become completely different even if you try. That is why you cannot be the soul of the company, but you can just be yourself and you will be appreciated. Being yourself is the most original and most interesting of all.
• "Reload!" If you are an introvert, you need solitude more than companies and interest clubs. Just don't go against your nature and seek strength in solitude. This is necessary even for the most sociable and open people, by the way.