How to correctly refuse a client: four principles of polite but firm refusal. Polite Refusal: How to Say No to Good People

In today's world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to come to the rescue. Having once agreed that it is unpleasant or undesirable to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request repeatedly.

Those who are not ready to make a return gesture will seek help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having a trouble-free comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the basic phrases that help politely refuse a person without offending him:

outright refusal. The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying friend. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling the request - this will cause doubt in the asker.
Sympathetic rejection. This type is suitable for people seeking a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to get past the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
Delayed Rejection. The option will come in handy for people who absolutely cannot say “no”. If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.
The answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later, when I return from vacation” can be beautifully refused to arrogant interlocutors.
Reasonable Refusal. The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, it is necessary to go to the cinema with the child, go to the country to the mother, attend a solemn event.
This type is suitable for refusing to meet, while for persuasiveness it is desirable to name 2-3 reasons.
Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I can not help, but I have a friend who deals with this issue."
Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. Properly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.
If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: “I can sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I already have things planned.”

Know that you can't say no to everyone. There will always be people who need the help and location of outsiders. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between those who really need help and those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he does not want to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.

Note! The most common request is for money. Having loaned funds to a person once, you can expect that he will come with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.

Askers appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Consider possible situations and their solutions.

Situation	Decision
Colleague asks for help	Explain to the obsessive employee that employees in the company have a range of their jobs, and doing other things will result in wasted time
Refusal to an unfamiliar person asking for a visit	Justify the refusal, in the absence of a priority of communication with a newly-made interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no”
Negative response to relatives	Explain to parents or other family members that your own life has needs
Refusal of requests to superiors	Refer to the employment contract if the assigned obligations exceed their due number
Asking for money	Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I plan to spend a lot of money”

Saying "no" to an obsessive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or one's position disappears. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in a relationship. When forming your opt-out, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

Do not look at the interlocutor and speak incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person refuses, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
Constantly apologize. If, after a negative answer, remorse will torment you, you should not show this to your interlocutor. So you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
Talk too much. Such a move may arouse suspicion that a person is being deceived, trying to tell him a lie.
Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will give the impression that other arguments were thought out on the go.
Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If a good alternative is not expected, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always the option of partial refusal - a good way if you do not want to spoil your relationship with a person. It implies putting forward its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, bring discord in communication, spoil your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.

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Steps

Rejections in everyday life

Why is it so hard to say no. We all learned from an early age that consent is easier to give and helps to gain approval. This develops into a deep need to always indulge parents, which is associated with love and fear of renunciation. We may also fear separation and loss of our spouses or loved ones. If a friend's request is denied, there may be a quarrel or the risk of hurting feelings. At work, rejection can make you look like an unfriendly colleague or hinder your career advancement.

In theory, consent is great, but in practice, we can say “Yes” so many times that then we can’t cope with the responsibility we have taken on.

Why is it so important to be able to say no? Learning to politely say no is a good way to set and maintain healthy boundaries. If you pride yourself on caring and sacrificing yourself for others, then rejection will make you feel uncomfortable. You may find yourself agreeing too often and becoming irritated or tired as you take on too much.

Time for reflection. Experts agree that the time to think before giving up is extremely important. When thinking about how to decline an invitation or request, remember that you are not required to respond immediately. Buy yourself some time to avoid resentment or hurting your loved one's feelings. But do not drag the rubber too long, as making a person wait longer than expected is also ugly. It is important to avoid situations where you immediately give a positive answer and then change your mind. This behavior will undermine your credibility.
- For example, your mother asks you in February: “Are you coming to us for the holidays this year?”. You can answer like this: “I haven’t even thought about it yet. I don't know yet how things will go at work. Let's discuss this closer to September?".
Stick to principles. If you are asked to do something contrary to your principles, then it is best to refuse in a way that avoids open confrontation. Ask for time, saying that you need to think it over carefully. Think twice before agreeing to something that goes against your ideas.

Try not to say "no". Don't say "Yes," but understand that you don't have to say the word to say no. Instead, talk about your concerns and the reasons for the rejection.
- For example, if your boss asks you to take on another case, you don't need to say that you are already full to capacity. Answer differently: “I am currently working on case X, which needs to be completed by next week, and the deadline for case Y is next month. How much time can you give me to complete this project?
Be honest. Sometimes one is tempted to lie or make up a fable to justify one's refusal. But in this way you will only undermine your credibility and destroy personal or work relationships, because sooner or later the truth will come out anyway. Politeness is impossible without honesty.
- For example, when refusing to accept an invitation, you could say something like, “This is a great opportunity/project for someone else, but it doesn't suit me. I wish you a good time / find a more suitable person.
Stand your ground. It may be difficult for you to repeat your refusal several times if the person constantly begs you to do something. Perhaps people are already used to you always agreeing, so they may just be testing the limits of your consent. Stand your ground and confidently repeat your refusal.
- You can immediately refuse and explain your refusal: “I know that you really want to meet this weekend, but I already have plans that cannot be changed.” If the person continues to bother you, then answer him briefly but firmly.
Refusal of specific requests
1. Refusal to borrow money. Lending money to friends can put friendship at risk. If your friend takes a long time to return, then you may be hesitant to remind about it, and the person may consider that it was a gift, not a favor. If you think that your friendship or wallet will not withstand the non-return of money, then try to refuse a friend as politely as possible. At the same time, try to be as honest as possible.
  - For example, you could say something like, “I know you're having a hard time with your finances right now. Our friendship is very dear to me, but friends and borrowing money are incompatible. Maybe I can help you in some other way? or “I don’t have free money right now. I would be happy to help, but I have nothing.”
2. Refusal of a request for a donation. If you know you won't be able to meet the request, then state its importance, refuse and offer another option for help. For example: “This is a good thing, but right now I just have nothing to give. This month I have already exhausted all available funds. You can try X or remind me about it next month.”
3. Refusal of the child's request. Children usually do not like very much when they are not allowed to do something. If a child asks for something that you are not going to buy or allow him, then firmly refuse him and immediately explain the reasons for your refusal. It is very important that the child understands your reasons, and then offer him an alternative.
  - For example, you might say, “No, I don't let you stay overnight at a friend's house on a weekday. The next day you will be sleepy and tired during the lessons. I know you're upset, but you can always stay at your friend's on the day off."
4. Refusal at a big request. You don't have to say yes if you've been asked a very large request. In the end, a person may simply not imagine how tired you are at work right now. You have the right to refuse even a personal request. A good friend will always understand you and will not consider rejection as a personal insult.
  - For example, say, "I'm sorry I can't babysit your baby this week, but I have a deadline for a project at work, and my homework has piled up." Be clear and honest. Do not lie, otherwise you will definitely offend your girlfriend and ruin your relationship.
5. Rejection of a date. Speak directly and bluntly so that the meaning of your words reaches the person. When it comes to romantic relationships, ambiguity can be taken as a chance or a false hope, and this is best avoided. It’s better to say politely but directly right away: “You are a good friend / great guy, but I can’t give you more” or “We are too different.”
  - If you do go on a date and are invited to the next one, then say politely but honestly: “We had a great time, but I don’t think we are right for each other.”
  - Do not continue the conversation for a long time after the refusal. It's probably best for both of you not to see each other for a while.
6. Refusal to have sex. If your boyfriend insists that it's time for you to move on to intimacy, and you are not yet ready for this, then refuse directly: "No." If you see fit, you can explain the reasons for your refusal: the likelihood of getting pregnant, your moral principles, or the fact that you are simply not ready yet. It is important to explain that this is your personal decision and is in no way dictated by the appearance of your partner.
  - You should not expect that your partner will immediately enter into a position and stop trying. Speak very clearly.
7. Persistent requests. If you're constantly being pestered with a date invitation or that it's time for you to move on to sex, then it's time to get extra firm. If the person does not hear your polite refusals, then say “No” firmly again. Here are possible examples of responses and behaviors:
  - Say, "You're embarrassing me with your constant requests, so I'll just have to turn you down."
  - Tell a friend or partner that their behavior is making you very upset.
  - Refuse meeting requests.
  - Do not be upset because of the opinion of a stranger or just a friend. Try to avoid meeting the person if possible.
8. Rejection of a marriage proposal. First of all, you need to thank the person for the honor. State that you cannot accept this offer and explain that it's up to you. You can explain in detail the reasons for the refusal, so that there are no omissions and misunderstandings between you.
  - This advice applies to situations where you have been in a relationship for a long time. If you just started dating, then just say: "That's very nice, but it's too early for such decisions."
  - If you were proposed to in public, then in order to avoid embarrassment, do not stretch this situation. "I love you and would like to discuss this in private." Don't play drama.

If you're having trouble saying the word "no", you're not alone. Many people periodically think that it would be a good idea to reduce the number of good and important deeds done for others to the detriment of their own cause.

There are at least six reasons why it is difficult for us to refuse a person:

Sincere desire to help. You want to do something good even for the person who will respond with black ingratitude.
Fear of appearing impolite. I want to answer only “yes” to someone who has the status and respect of others.
The desire to be like everyone else. It's hard to say "no" if you know that you will distance yourself from the group. "He who is not with us is against us."
Fear of confrontation. If you said no, then you will have to explain and defend your position among not the most friendly people.
Fear of missed opportunities. It is difficult for you to say “no” if, if you agree, serious prospects await you, even if you have to give up something valuable in the process.
Fear of breakup. Some people do not understand the word "no" - for them it means that the relationship is destroyed.

If you have noted for yourself at least one of the reasons why you constantly agree with what you do not like, then your mind is filled with false beliefs that you will have to get rid of.

After all, you have your own priorities and needs, and it would be a mistake to assume that other people will solve your questions and problems for you. By saying no, you give yourself the opportunity to mind your own business and, as a result, improve the overall result.

The main difficulty in saying no is to maintain a good relationship with the people who are important to you. Therefore, it is necessary to say “no” as correctly as possible. At the same time, you must remember that in some cases you have the right to say "no" simply because you do not like something. Without explaning the reason.

"Unfortunately, I can't help you, very busy schedule"
This form of rejection is good if you are too busy. This will allow your opponent to determine the degree of your workload, and not bother you once again.
“At this moment, this and that happens to me, I cannot stop this process. A little later I may be able to help you."
For example, you are downloading a file or having an important conversation with someone. Naturally, you cannot quit this activity until you are done.
"I would like to do this, but..."
There are two mutually exclusive points here. On the one hand, you make it clear to the person that you like him and his proposal. On the other hand, explain that you do not have the necessary resources or experience to properly fulfill his request. And no offense!
"Let me think how I can be of service to you"
It's more like "maybe" than "no". Be sure to think about this problem, if promised. Moreover, it is necessary to accurately indicate the time that you need to think. If your participation is really needed, they will definitely wait for you. Or turn to someone else.
“I will keep you in mind if I encounter something like this in my work”
Such a refusal is appropriate when you are engaged in some business, but you assume that your activity may somehow intersect with the theme of the petitioner. And then you can help him on the principle of "both ours and yours."
“I am not the best assistant for you. X would have handled it much better."
You may be asked for help in a matter where you are not fully competent. At the same time, you know who could fulfill the request much better. Why not recommend?
"No I can not"
Refusal without explanation. You always have the right to do so, unless, of course, it is the request of your boss...

And, finally, it is worth adding that refusal is not always a manifestation of non-participation. After all, only those who have the resources to do so can sincerely help their neighbor. The more successful your own affairs are, the more opportunities you have to make someone else happy.

MENSBY

4.6

Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of terry selfishness and heartlessness? Living the life you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many attribute this property of their character to the merits of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;

can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of anyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

There is no denying that rejection is very frustrating. However, it is part of life. Whether your heart is broken, your job is denied, or someone close to you just lets you down, emotions will always be unpleasant. Such situations never go without problems, it is always uncomfortable. If you yourself want to refuse someone, you also have a hard time. You need to be tactful, supportive, and at the same time deal with your own negative emotions. If you fail, you make the rejection even more painful. Many people would like to be able to refuse softly and politely. You don't want to hurt the other person, make them feel hurt and disappointed. All this is so difficult! Fortunately, there are some guidelines to help you deal with these moments in life in the most gentle way.
It can even be quite a positive experience! Sometimes rejection becomes an impetus for change, because a person begins to think about how to become better. Rejection makes you think more about yourself. This is a kind of motivation that helps to move on. If you need to say no to someone, use the tips below. This will make the situation more comfortable for everyone.

speak the truth

This may seem obvious, but it's important to know that if you lie to a person about the reason for your rejection, you don't make things any easier for them. Some choose to lie so as not to hurt the feelings of the person being denied. This is a good intention, but this behavior does nothing to soften the blow. Honesty is your best bet, don't try to embellish anything. Even if you think that lies are for salvation, do not give in to such thoughts. The truth hurts, but then it is easier to accept, and the lie softens the effect only in the first minutes of the conversation, but ultimately poisons all the sympathy that remains after the rejection.

Be precise

General words are of no use. If you must say no to someone, be as precise and specific as possible. In the long term, this will only help the person who was refused. Quite often, refusal, no matter what the reason for it, is perceived as a personal insult.
The more accurately you can explain what caused the situation, the better the person will understand that this is not his personal fault. This is a very important point for both sides of the conversation. Plan your rationale ahead of time to make it as clear and concise as possible. This will help you reduce your own stress during a failure.

Watch your tone

Do not forget that the problem may not only be in what exactly you say, but also in how you do it. Consider how the other person would feel in such a situation and try to act accordingly.
The tone of voice and the time chosen for the conversation are the most important characteristics, so remember that it's not just the words you choose. Of course, they are also of great importance, but do not forget about other criteria. Do breathing exercises, try not to tense up and watch the intonations of your voice. By paying attention to this, you reduce both your own stress and the discomfort of the other person.

Accept your role

If you are also somehow involved in the current situation, be sure to tell the person you are breaking up with. If the blame does not fall solely on his shoulders, the situation becomes a little more comfortable. Share the blame if this is the real state of affairs, because the refusal is based on explaining the real situation. This will help you clearly explain the reasons for your decision, although at the time of the conversation it will be difficult for your interlocutor to perceive everything rationally and without unnecessary emotions. This is understandable, because parting can be extremely exhausting. Be prepared for this, accept in advance the fact that negativity is inevitable and you are partly connected with it.

Think of a compromise

If the situation allows, you may not need to firmly refuse the person. Sometimes a problem can be solved with a compromise. If you start a conversation in order to get your point across and get what you want, it's possible that the other person will be able to meet you half way. In this case, he will feel much more comfortable.
In such a situation, no one can emerge victorious, but it is important to agree and establish the necessary boundaries. This is the most important, because otherwise you will not be able to understand what is bothering the other person and how he will accept the rejection. In any case, it is clear that it will be unpleasant. Learn to take care of your interests without hurting other people. This is a very important skill that helps you deal with rejection much more comfortably.

Practice ahead of time

If you are very nervous about the fact that you have to refuse someone, and you want all the words, intonation and expressed emotions to be appropriate, you should practice, think over what you will say and how you will do it. This will be extremely helpful for you. For example, you need to fire someone. Practice how you will tell the bad news to another person. When you really need to do this, you will already know that you can say it calmly, and then you will be able to express all your thoughts in a harmonious way, honestly and carefully, which will help the other person understand: life is not over, everything is in order. You will be able to do what you must, but in the most optimal way. A sufficient amount of practice is very beneficial for both you and the person you are rejecting. You can also practice with a friend or loved ones. In this case, you can get an assessment of your behavior from the outside and ask for useful advice. This will help you understand the subtleties of the situation even better and learn how to behave as correctly as possible.

Don't expect a clear conclusion

Naturally, you would like to get some relief after a difficult conversation, but the situation does not always end that way. This is completely normal. Many people dream that the rejection would be positive and painless for everyone, but you should immediately understand that your interlocutor will not be happy. Just take your time, don't drive his emotions, don't try to cheer him up when it's inappropriate. By setting yourself up for the situation to be resolved immediately, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You shouldn't do that! Be prepared right away that your conversation will not give clear consequences.

Rejection is hard

It is important to always remember that the best way to refuse a person is to behave with maximum attention, kindness and respect. Behave the way you try to behave in other situations. You may encounter resentment and anger in the process, however, if you are kind, everything will go as well as possible for everyone.