Synopsis of the book: Sharon Melnick - Resilience. How to stay calm and efficient in any situation

Sharon Melnick

Stress tolerance. How to remain calm and highly effective in any situation

SHARON MELNICK

Success Under Stress

Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive When the Pressure’s On

Success Under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive When the Pressure’s On.

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use, without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

This book is well complemented by:

Flexible mind

Carol Dweck

The Psychology of Achievement

Heidi Grant Halvorson

whole life

Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen

To my parents, Susan and Neil Melnick, for their generosity

To Dr. Joseph Levry for his wisdom

Introduction

How this book will help you

When you are at the peak of your abilities, you enjoy the work of successfully completing a project or closing a deal. You earn respect and are rewarded by making other people's lives better. You feel that you have achieved success and found your working rhythm. At the end of the day, your enthusiasm is enough to connect with people and activities that are important to you - and there is even time to find peace of mind. But many have too much to do and too many obstacles lurk on the way to the goal - besides, you constantly have to deal with nervous and tense people.

Welcome to a new reality where all kinds of stresses exhaust you, making it increasingly difficult to stay afloat - not to mention succeed.

But you can do more than you think. This book presents more than 100 strategies to succeed in a stressful situation, whether it's a relationship problem or a work rush when there's not enough time for anything. New knowledge and skills will provide you with stress resistance, giving you the ability to control every day of your life. By working less and earning more, you will always find time for reflection and contemplation.

As a business psychologist and having trained more than 6,000 people, I have watched some people cope with stress, successfully complete projects and not waste energy, while others simply struggle to survive. There is a set of skills that distinguish one group from another. Each of us already there is a treasure trove of valuable skills - it remains only to find the key to it.

Once you learn the secrets of stress resistance, how income will begin to grow before your eyes. Indeed, 71% of top managers worldwide confirm that psychological resilience and the ability to see new opportunities in every obstacle are “very” and even “extremely” important factors for them when choosing employees (1). Business owners who are strategic in their day-to-day planning are seeing rapid growth in their business.

I wrote a book on resilience to help you succeed and become a top performer without compromising your quality of life. Stressful situations will no longer ruin your day and prevent you from achieving your goal. You will learn to manage stress and, more importantly, to see opportunities in obstacles - the only way to eradicate stress. By distributing the workload, you will learn to overcome difficulties, generate new ideas and make unconventional decisions. You will learn how to motivate and influence people by making them your supporters (instead of wasting energy trying to get rid of feelings of powerlessness). You will speak out decisively in meetings and find a common language with clients who were too tough for you until recently. If you run into a problem or a seemingly hopeless situation, the new tools in this book will help you get out of the dead end and move forward on your intended path. you way.

This book goes beyond truisms about proper nutrition and healthy sleep, or - in a pinch - how to "take a deep breath and get some fresh air." Of course, this approach helps many, but it is hardly able to reduce the influence of the modern rhythm on the success and quality of life. The algorithm for getting out of any difficult situation, described on the pages of this book, is based on three basic rules: you need to change your attitude to the problem, your physical reaction to the problem or the problem itself.

Change your attitude towards the situation. If you look at the problem from a different angle, you can find new solutions.

Learn to manage your physiology. Focus when you're overwhelmed, find sources of energy when you feel like you're running out of energy, and calm down when you're agitated or irritated.

Solve the problem. Eliminate the source of stress, and you will never have to deal with it again!

Once you try any of these approaches, you will immediately notice how stress levels have decreased and efficiency has increased. And if you apply the elements all three approaches, you can cope with any stressful situation.

But most importantly: I understand how busy you are, and therefore almost any of the tools described can be mastered in less than three minutes. What benefit will you end up getting?

You will gain more control over your life. When you finally stop running in circles, you will begin to move straight towards your goal. You will learn to better control your schedule, reduce the stress associated with the constant fear of missing out on opportunities or failing to attract a client. You will achieve everything, once you learn to use your abilities 100%. You will end everything that consumed your time and energy; learn to say “no” when the tasks and projects assigned to you are moving you away from your desired goal.

Save energy and enthusiasm after a working day. The book talks about tools that will allow you to "turn on" and "off" at the click of a button. You will learn to focus when you need it and relax when you want to - it's a recipe for conserving energy, enjoying life and healthy sleep. You will find a balance between professional work and a fulfilling life and forget about your desire to please everyone - you yourself have taken on this burden. If you are prone to self-flagellation, if you feel that you are inferior to your competitors in some way, or if you take everything too personally, this book is for you - it will help you tune in to positive thinking. If you're afraid to speak in front of an audience and can't pick up the phone and call a potential client who you think won't want to listen to you, this book will give you the confidence to take action. If you have to communicate with an unpleasant interlocutor, you will be able to quickly calm down and safely conduct a meeting. You will learn to disengage from emotions and control violent reactions.

See the opportunity in every obstacle. You will learn how to solve problems and get rid of stress, easily adapt your activities when, for example, priorities change or when you do not receive feedback on the work done. This book contains a plan of action and a set of skills that will enable you to thrive in today's dynamic world. You will discover the ability to “adapt and even enjoy ever-changing career opportunities, business models and starting conditions”(2). Soon, new perspectives will open up for you, allowing you to “come out of the shadows” and move forward with confidence. And if it seems to you that you have become a victim of circumstances and you see only obstacles in front of you - delays in production, the inability to move up the career ladder, achieve financial goals - you will learn to turn such situations to your advantage.

This book is for you if you:

You work in stressful conditions, when you constantly have to motivate people to achieve results;

You manage your own business and are responsible for all processes;

Strive to reduce financial stress by feeling that you are already on the edge;

You do not feel confident in yourself and therefore hinder your own success, or you overreact (especially when dealing with difficult people).

For many of us, stress has become the “new normal”: every day at work we process letters and calls, we take on many important tasks at once and do not have time to finish them, and at night we scroll through work tasks and conflicts in our heads.

The book Resilience to Stress by professional business psychologist Sharon Melnick outlines a methodology for not only remaining calm in stressful situations, but also finding new opportunities for professional and personal development in them. It only takes a few minutes to start applying some of the techniques.

Sharon Melnick is a resilience expert at Harvard Medical School, where she developed her methodology for over ten years, and the author of effective training that has helped several thousand people overcome the effects of stressful situations.
Published in Russian for the first time.

Introduction

How this book will help you

When you are at the peak of your abilities, you enjoy the work of successfully completing a project or closing a deal. You earn respect and are rewarded by making other people's lives better. You feel that you have achieved success and found your working rhythm. At the end of the day, your enthusiasm is enough to communicate with people and activities that are important to you - and there is even time to find peace of mind. But many have too much to do and too many obstacles lie in wait on the way to the goal - besides, you constantly have to deal with nervous and tense people.

Welcome to a new reality where all kinds of stresses exhaust you, making it increasingly difficult to stay afloat - not to mention succeed.

But you can do more than you think. Book " Stress tolerance” presents more than a hundred strategies to succeed in a stressful situation, whether it be problems in a relationship or an emergency at work when there is not enough time for anything. New knowledge and skills will provide you with stress resistance, giving you the ability to control every day of your life. By working less and earning more, you will always find time for reflection and contemplation.

As a business psychologist and having trained more than 6,000 people, I have watched some people cope with stress, successfully complete projects and not waste energy, while others simply struggle to survive. There is a set of skills that distinguish one group from another. Each of us already there is a treasury of valuable skills - it remains only to find the key to it.

Once you learn the secrets of stress resistance, how income will begin to grow before your eyes. Indeed, 71% of top managers around the world confirm that psychological stability and the ability to see new opportunities in every obstacle are “very” and even “extremely” important factors for them when choosing employees. Business owners who are strategic in their day-to-day planning are seeing rapid growth in their business.

I wrote a book about stress tolerance to help you succeed and become a top performer without compromising your quality of life. Stressful situations will no longer ruin your day and prevent you from achieving your goal. You will learn and, more importantly, see opportunities in obstacles - the only way to eradicate stress. By distributing the workload, you will learn to overcome difficulties, generate new ideas and make unconventional decisions. You will learn how to motivate and influence people by making them your supporters (instead of wasting energy trying to get rid of feelings of powerlessness). You will speak out decisively in meetings and find a common language with clients who were too tough for you until recently. If you run into a problem or a seemingly hopeless situation, the new tools in this book will help you get out of the dead end and move forward on your intended path. you way .

Change your attitude towards the situation. If you look at the problem from a different angle, you can find new solutions.
Learn to manage your physiology. Focus when you're overwhelmed, find sources of energy when you feel like you're running out of energy, and calm down when you're agitated or irritated.
Solve the problem. Eliminate the source of stress, and you will never have to deal with it again!

But most importantly: I understand how busy you are, and therefore almost any of the tools described can be mastered in less than three minutes. What benefit will you end up getting?

You will gain more control over your life. When you finally stop running in circles, you will begin to move straight towards your goal. You will reduce the stress associated with the constant fear of missing out on opportunities or failing to attract a client. You will achieve everything, once you learn to use your abilities 100%. You will end everything that consumed your time and energy; learn to say “no” when the tasks and projects assigned to you are moving you away from your desired goal.
Save energy and enthusiasm after a working day. The book talks about tools that will allow you to "turn on" and "off" at the click of a button. You will learn to focus when you need it and relax when you want to - it's a recipe for energy conservation, enjoyment and healthy sleep. You will find a balance between professional work and a fulfilling life and forget about your desire to please everyone - you yourself have taken on this burden. If you are prone to self-flagellation, if you feel that you are inferior to your competitors in some way, or if you take everything too personally, this book is for you - it will help you tune in to positive thinking. If you're afraid to speak in front of an audience and can't pick up the phone and call a potential client who you think won't want to listen to you, this book will give you the confidence to take action. If you have to communicate with an unpleasant interlocutor, you will be able to quickly calm down and safely conduct a meeting. You will learn to disengage from emotions and control violent reactions.
See the opportunity in every obstacle. You will learn how to solve problems and get rid of stress, easily adapt your activities when, for example, priorities change or when you do not receive feedback on the work done. This book contains a plan of action and a set of skills that will enable you to thrive in today's dynamic world. You will discover the ability to “adapt and even enjoy ever-changing career opportunities, business models and starting conditions.” Soon, new perspectives will open up for you, allowing you to “come out of the shadows” and move forward with confidence. And if it seems to you that you have become a victim of circumstances and you see only obstacles in front of you - delays in production, the inability to move up the career ladder, achieve financial goals - you will learn to turn such situations to your advantage.

This book is for you if you:

you work in stressful conditions, when you constantly have to motivate people to achieve results;
manage your own business - and are responsible for all processes;
seek to reduce financial stress, feeling that you are already on the verge;
you do not feel confident in yourself and therefore hinder your own success, or you overreact (especially when dealing with people who are difficult to communicate with).

In this book - an action plan and a set of tools to increase your stress resistance.

You can download an introductory fragment of the book (~20%) at the link:

Resilience - Sharon Melnick (download)

Read the full version of the book in the best online library of Runet - Litres.

And finally, we offer you to watch an interesting video

Manage Stress: From Stress Survival to Success

Imagine a person who, instead of dealing with everyday difficulties and minor annoyances, always only postpones the solution of the problem until later. Such a person is not able to evaluate the alternative that is most acceptable in the long run. He sees neither new approaches nor new opportunities and seeks the answer only in past experience. He concentrates on the problem, losing sight of the global picture. Taking any trifle to heart, he puzzles over the reasons for failures, being in a state of constant tension and excitement. ()

If you had such an employee, you would hardly expect innovative solutions from him. Actually, such an employee would not stay long in your company. Nevertheless, the situation I have just described is a typical reaction of people who are unstable to stress. We may not be aware of it, but our response to stress, which we experience almost daily, gradually becomes a habit: day after day, we mark time with no chance to move to the next level of success. But if you don’t take proactive* steps to get out of your “comfort zone”, you may never know what success is.

Of course, we want to learn to control our emotions. Our reaction to what is happening should be deliberate, not spontaneous, and work for the future. It should become a platform for providing long-term benefits - not only to yourself, but to those around you. Our response should be the best possible alternative to solve problems, maintain good relationships, and conserve energy. This is the reaction of a person who is able to control the level of stress! One of my clients described the transition from a typical stress response to a response that he controlled: “It feels like when you first sit behind the wheel of a bulky car that is difficult to fit into a turn, and then you change to a Porsche with excellent maneuverability. ".

Let's discuss a situation that might arise if you were able to control your reaction to everyday events that could throw you off balance. Let's start with an example. The scenario for the development of events before acquiring stress management skills is as follows:

It's 4 p.m. and you're sitting at your desk. It's been a tough day, but the finish line is already in sight. You and your spouse agreed to meet at your 11-year-old daughter's annual school performance in two hours. Suddenly, your immediate supervisor calls you into the holy of holies - his office. You will learn that because of the crisis, the president of your division is planning a strategic change: your group will lose key resources. In addition, the head of the company wants you to prepare a 10-minute presentation on a large project that you are leading and present it to the president of the division and top management of the company tomorrow at 9 am. It’s not very clear to you what exactly is expected of you, but you are dumbfounded, so you decide to get down to business immediately, without asking too many questions.

When you return to the workplace, the thoughts in your head are confused: and if there is a reduction, will they leave you on the team? You say to yourself, "Stop, don't think about it!" But a panic attack is inevitable. The heart is pounding. You clearly imagine the course of tomorrow's meeting. Why does the head of the company want a presentation from you? And if you make a mistake or say something that seems banal to him? Flattens the stomach. You remember that your boss met with the president last week, and you wonder why you only found out about the need to prepare a presentation now. You are outraged - your jaw tightens and muscle tension grows.

Things are heating up: if you don't make the presentation right now, you'll miss your daughter's introduction, and you'll be labeled a "bad father." Intuitively, you understand that, one way or another, you will cope with the task, but you are already at the mercy of stress. Even worse, you are not sure that you can be proud of the fruits of your labor. You understand that you have fallen into a trap!

You sit down at your desk and start brainstorming, but the narrowness of your thinking confuses you. The same thoughts in my head - it is very difficult to concentrate. You are frantically trying to remember where you moved the presentation your colleague did in the kick-off meeting so you can refer to it. You understand that time is against you, so you grab the first idea that comes up - just describe the project and its stages.

As soon as there has been little progress in the work, your subordinate appears on the horizon with a report. A cursory glance at the report reveals that the numbers in the last column are incorrect. And this means that you will have to spend time also explaining to the employee his mistakes. Mentally, you are already looking in your busy schedule for a “window” to read the report again. Feeling like you're in a vice. You are trying to explain to your subordinate what exactly is wrong in his report, and irritation is clearly evident in your voice.

After finishing your presentation, you rush to your daughter's introduction, arriving exactly one minute before it starts. It is very difficult to get your thoughts in order and switch, so until the second act you are actually immersed in thinking about work problems. You sleep badly at night, worrying about the upcoming presentation. In the morning, getting ready for a meeting, you are nervous, because you are still not sure if your information matches what they want to hear from you. The presentation goes smoothly, but after that you are bombarded with a lot of difficult questions about your future strategy. You are scared, so you avoid speaking your mind, even when you have important information. After the meeting, nothing happens - the rest of the day you are irritated and tense. When you meet the boss in the hallway, you worry that he might say something.

In this scenario, your response to stress is a series of interconnected events, each triggering the next. The physical reaction to stress leads to panic and chaos in your thoughts, which prevents you from soberly assessing the situation and making the best decision. When you are not at your peak, you gradually lose confidence in yourself; as a result, the stress level only increases in the future. As shown in fig. 1.1, your thoughts, your physiology and your reaction to the problem lead to the fact that you fall into a vicious circle and can no longer get rid of stress.

There are a lot of factors due to which you plunge into a quagmire of stress over and over again, for example, priorities have changed. Or someone is trying to get around you. Or your income is lower than expected. Or after a presentation, you didn't get any feedback and you're trying to convince yourself that "no news is also good news." Stress also increases when your inbox is flooded with new unanswered messages. As Edward Hallowell writes in his seminal article Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform (“When the System Is Overloaded: Why Successful Managers Can’t Work to Their Best Capability”): “The poor fellow faces not just one crisis, but… an endless stream of situations, each of which he perceives as a small crisis. The feeling that you are trapped and the desire to meet your own standards and the expectations of others leads to the fact that you clench your will into a fist, endure and do not complain - there is more and more work, and the effectiveness continues to fall. Your reaction is "I'll put in more effort." Feelings of guilt and slight panic do not leave you. The number of tasks is growing like a snowball, and you have a constant rush at work. You become abrupt and intolerant, unable to concentrate on any task, but continue to pretend that everything is in order. You are so used to being always “ready” that you no longer notice that your adaptation mechanisms simply do not work. If lately you have been bombarded with big and small things, and at the same time you said to yourself: “Stop the train, I want to get off,” now you know the reason.

Perhaps this circle resembles your reaction to stressful situations? I have repeatedly presented this idea to entrepreneurs and heard in response: “It feels like you got into my head.” It seems that this model does reflect the behavior of many people.

Let's go back to the 4 o'clock boss meeting scenario - this time you will act in such a way that you will succeed despite the stress. By the way, this scenario will not take much time, the emotional shake-up is also minimized here, and the presentation that you prepare will have a more beneficial effect on the future of your team and you personally.

In the leadership room, you first take a deep breath to focus and understand the essence of the task at hand. This allows you to ask leading questions to clarify the boss's expectations. You mentally go through several presentation options and ask your boss if he shares your point of view: “Perhaps it would be better to take a brief overview of the project,” you say, “and then focus on its strategic value and key recommendations for improving performance. Do you agree?" Yes, he agrees. Once you're back at your desk with a clear understanding of the situation, you're ready to start working on your presentation with ease.

But first, sitting at your desk, you use the "mental reset" technique - this will take you one to three minutes and help you tune in to make the right and original decisions (more on this technique is described in chapter 4). You forgive your boss for baffling you at the last minute, because you know for sure that he gave you the task because he is confident in your competence (chapter 9). For a moment, you shudder at the very thought of having to speak to the president. But you have already mastered the technique of "turning off the panic" - the acupressure point, by pressing on which you will cope with the excitement in a few seconds (you will read about this in Chapter 7).

There is not much time for the presentation, but you are focused and productive. Each completed slide brings a sense of satisfaction and encouragement to move on. You make a solid presentation and are happy to be able to express your opinion about the future of your team. You are sure that tomorrow you will be on top. When a subordinate brings a report, you notice errors. However, you do not give vent to your irritation, but consider how to motivate a colleague to do quality work. You remind him of a recent conversation when he took full responsibility for his own mistakes and the need to correct them - so you easily direct the situation in the right direction (chapter 11).

You make it to your daughter's performance just in time and glow with pride for her throughout the performance. You wake up only once a night, but you know exactly how to fall asleep again within three minutes (Chapter 4). The next morning, you feel rested and energized, and it only takes you a few minutes to repeat the slides. The presentation runs smoothly, and when you have the opportunity to express your personal opinion, you improvise superbly (Chapter 6). The president doesn't talk too much, but you don't need verbal approval either - you read the body language, and deep down you know for sure that you were on top. The rest of your day is on the rise.

In this scenario, you have created a positive spiral. From the very beginning, you did everything right and controlled your reaction to stress. You were confident and thought constructively. The need to act quickly and decisively has become a good motivation for you. In a stressful situation, your best qualities appeared, and you achieved the optimal result. All this happened thanks to small changes in physiology, worldview and attitude to the problem. This scenario illustrates resilience (see Figure 1.2).

Many of us are not even aware of how low their resistance to stress is! Chronic sleep deprivation, muscle tension and impaired concentration are often perceived as natural manifestations of the modern rhythm of business life. Some are even proud of it as a well-deserved result of their endless business trips and multitasking. Unfortunately, we often make decisions without understanding the essence of the problem and without analyzing the facts. Such decisions are hasty and are suitable only for one specific situation. Sometimes, on the contrary, we are inactive instead of working for the long term.

But can we be blamed for this? First, remember a complete list of those cases that require your attention. On the agenda of an ordinary office worker there are from 30 to 100 projects - and all of them have to be dealt with simultaneously2; he is interrupted an average of seven times an hour; and 24 hours a day it receives new information from various sources. Sure, it's your job and you get paid to do it, but where do you find the time for all that?

Secondly, in addition to constant emotional stress, you are forced daily to react to ongoing changes - minor or important - and accordingly adjust priorities and generate new ideas in order to attract the attention of your target audience - be it clients, sponsors or management. If you are not “on the same wavelength” with them, you may be considered uncompetitive or you will miss something really important. You worry that if you don't work constantly, you will lose the right client or not get enough money. You are worried about the possible development of events: what will happen if you are left without a job or lose a decent income.

Thirdly, for many of us, such an overload is just the tip of the iceberg of stresses that overlap and intensify. An additional factor of psychological pressure may be the inflated expectations that you place on yourself (and others). When you doubt yourself, you worry about what others think; you may feel that you need to put in extra effort to gain the approval of others. We constantly analyze ourselves - are we making enough efforts at home and at work. But we know for sure that success comes to those who boldly speak their mind and radiate confidence, and not sit quietly in the shadows.

And with all this, you strive to work effectively, conquer professional peaks and receive a decent reward for your services. No wonder stress has become a national epidemic! (More than 80% of employees experience stress at work, and more than 70% of doctor visits are due to stress.) Many are beginning to feel that they can no longer withstand the pace of modern life.

Nevertheless, the new reality is now our life, and there is nowhere to hide from it. But there is good news: you can not only survive in it, but also thrive. Do you dream of completing projects and interacting with people as smoothly as it did in the second scenario above? Do you want to work efficiently in the workplace and enjoy your personal life carefree the rest of the time? Do you intend to break out of the vicious circle of a continuous series of stresses and become the blacksmith of your own happiness? After reading Chapter 2, you will learn how you can quickly achieve this; the main thing is to find the right lever of control.

Control what is in your power: "the 50% rule"

Stress is not always the result of overload, lack of feedback on the work done, or the need to simultaneously carry out several projects and fulfill the obligations assumed. Stress begins when, under certain circumstances, the demands that are placed on you exceed your ability to control them. The more control you have over the situation, the less tense you are, and vice versa.

Stress is not an external sign, it originates from within. This is not the 100th message in your email. This is your perception - you feel that the load is becoming excessive, and this is just a "beacon" signaling that it's time to stop and pause. If there's bad news in the email, like your project hasn't been approved yet or your proposal has been rejected, your body is under stress. You are overwhelmed with concern about how this will affect your business reputation, future career and future salary. If you find mistakes in an email made by your assistant, the stress is due to the anger that you feel because of your inability to control his actions.

As discussed in Chapter 1, these reactions are usually out of our control. Most of them are predetermined by our physiology. At a particular moment, our brain triggers the neurochemical mechanism of stress, which shapes our feelings and thoughts. Without noticing it, we fall into the power of our internal patterns. (Don't worry! Chapter 4 tells you how to get rid of them.)

Stress comes from within, which means you can learn to control it. Where to begin? Let's start by changing your attitude to what is happening.

Use the "internal lever of control" to stop feeling like a victim of circumstances and control any situation. This will require some effort from you to realize your first spontaneous reaction to what is happening and switch to making deliberate and purposeful decisions.

By managing the situation, you can influence its outcome. By taking actions to gain focus and control, such as adjusting your thoughts, slowing your breathing, choosing your words carefully, or making time in your work schedule, you are in control of your brain, body, and overall situation. When you are calm and confident, you get the job done faster, solve problems with ease, and make fewer mistakes. Your relationships with others develop more positively, and you can motivate them to achieve their goals.

Any of these mechanical actions can be the first step towards increasing stress tolerance. Every time you gain control over even a little, you thereby motivate yourself to further constructive actions and, as a result, stay inside a favorable spiral. Like a butterfly that sets off a chain reaction of events and changes the world of the distant future with a single flap of its wing, if you take control of minor situations during the day, you can effectively go from stress to efficiency in the future.

You certainly have rich life experience. You probably understand that you should "control only what you can control." But are you aware of the limits of your area of control? Do you use your "lever of control" - especially in the heat of the moment?

Any problem is made up of 50% of factors that we can control and another 50% that are beyond our control (see Figure 2.1). Circumstances beyond our control include, for example, the macroeconomic situation, market trends, technological innovations, management decisions, traffic jams, epidemics and foreign bankruptcies. But even on a personal level, there are many factors that we are not able to influence - this is the tone of voice of the interlocutor, and what others write to us in e-mails.

What is beyond your control attracts you like a magnet attracts metal. However, by dwelling on factors that you cannot control, you automatically set yourself up for stress and again find yourself in a vicious circle from which you see no way out.

To begin with, let's determine which part of the circumstances you can take control of, and which part is out of your control. Think of any current situation that is causing you stress. Inside the circle shown in Fig. 2.2, indicate which circumstances you can manage and which you cannot.

Remember that when you are in the grip of stress, you only need to focus on what you can fix. To do this, use the "50% rule" that I developed. Thanks to him, thousands of managers and company owners have been able to increase their stress resistance and learn how to emerge victorious from any situation.

Be responsible for "your half way"

This means that you only control what you can control, and you are fully responsible for your actions. By following this rule, you know for sure that your contribution is effective. In addition, you do not waste your time, energy or attention on the "other 50%" that are beyond your control. The 50% Rule makes you the master of the situation.

It also means that you have an incentive to take further action. Don't wait for conditions or people around you to change. Instead, take responsibility for what you do. Changing your emotional or physical state will allow you to "be part of the solution, not part of the problem." To illustrate this theory, I will give three recent examples from my practice.

History first. My new client, Vicki, is the vice president of a large healthcare company. Her boss often raises his voice and takes it out on her.

For Vikka, this is a real stress, which she cannot control. Therefore, when Vicki tries to argue for her actions, for which she is criticized, she does it too verbosely and unconvincingly. As a result, she became afraid of work meetings, after which she felt exhausted for a long time.

Vicki has learned to fully control "her 50%". She used the breathing technique (described in Chapter 10) to keep her calm, mentally clear, and focused during her boss's tantrums. She prepared and rehearsed a speech on the eve of the meeting, so that even in a heated discussion she could express her thoughts clearly and clearly, without much thought. In addition, she began to "adapt" her proposals to the wishes of her boss (more on this in chapter 11). Vicki convinced herself that her boss was unable to control her emotions and that her "shouting" had nothing to do with Vicki's competence. Now she exudes self-confidence in business meetings, and this helps her work more efficiently. Within weeks, Vicki was able to convince her boss to follow her recommendations for a massive reorganization of the company. As a result, she led the combined divisions! Vicki didn't try to change the boss; she changed her attitude, her physiology and approach to the problem. This is how the 50% rule works!

The second story. At the beginning of the week, I sent an email to a client who had previously invited me to train prospective employees in his company. I needed an answer by the end of the week, but I never got it. Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? I wanted to scream - I was on the verge of barging into his office and demanding an answer!

And what did I do? I revised my first reaction and stopped blaming the client from whom I did not receive a timely response. I didn't know what could have caused the delay, so maybe there was a good explanation for his behavior. It relieved my stress. I used the breathing technique that you will learn about in chapter 4, and after analyzing the alternatives, I found a way out. I realized that I was thinking too limitedly and that the recipient of the letter was not the only person who could solve my problem. Of course, there were other employees in the company authorized to provide me with information on my question.

I also analyzed whether my own actions could have contributed to the response delay. I re-read the email I sent to make sure I was able to communicate my ideas clearly. Did I express myself clearly when I asked for a reply letter? Was my message persuasive? Was the information I provided relevant to the company's interests enough to motivate management to respond promptly?

By applying these active self-management skills, I began to think positively. I formed a plan of action, and thanks to this, I felt that I was in complete control of the situation. Calm returned to me, and I switched to contemplating a meeting with the next client. (Then - of course, only in order to fully fulfill "my 50%" - I immediately replied to all those who have contacted me lately, but still have not received a response from me!)

History the third. After hosting a webinar for members of the Women's Leadership Development Organization in cable and telecommunications companies, I received a call from Daniella, one of the participants in the seminar. I asked her how she was able to apply the skills learned during the webinar. It turned out that these skills unexpectedly came in handy in her relationship with her husband. Daniella said that in the evening after the training they had a small quarrel and, of course, she considered herself the offended party. Daniella admitted that she remembered about the “50% rule” after she answered her husband in a harsh manner. But in this situation was not only his fault! Once Daniella realized this, she apologized and calmly voiced her opinion. In turn, her husband offered a compromise, and the conflict was settled. The next morning, they both went to work in a good mood, although earlier such a quarrel would have resulted in a protracted showdown.

When you focus on “your 50%”, you always start from the point where you can change something - even if it initially seems impossible. There are three categories of stress relief mechanisms. Regardless of the situation, you can always:

change your attitude to circumstances;
adapt your physiological response;
take action to solve the problem.

The very feeling that you are in control of something reduces the likelihood of an inadequate response to stress, increasing your stress tolerance. Such shifts in your emotional and physical state motivate you to actively look for a way out, and not just silently endure or try to avoid any stress. In fact, even a one-minute visualization of how you change the situation for the better will fill you with positive emotions and reduce fear. The number of clients I have worked with has grown to over 6,000, and now I don't think anyone can puzzle me with a story about a stressful or "no-win" situation where we couldn't work together to identify about a dozen steps that my client could take to in a few seconds, minutes or days, radically reduce the level of stress, gain control over circumstances and achieve a favorable outcome.

However, here I want to emphasize that I am not suggesting that you control everything that you can control just for the sake of the fact of control. Being responsible for "your 50%" means not trying to manage what happens beyond the line - in the half way that others go towards you. I also do not recommend that you become a reinsurer and insist that you do things your way at all costs. The approach that I recommend is to implement positive intentions in order to reduce stress and increase efficiency on the way to the cherished goal. You need to accept the fact that each person - including you - has their own approach and demeanor. This will help you quickly overcome disagreements and possible friction and reach a compromise. Just go back mentally to those moments when you felt at the peak of your abilities. Most likely, you did not leave the feeling of "control over the situation", right?

Q: What if I do all of my 50% and the rest of us don't do their half?

A: This is a real question! I recently sent the first version of this chapter to a close friend, and the very next day I got a response from her: “All morning my kids, Mae and Kyle, were fighting. In a moment of calm, I pulled my daughter aside and asked her to apply the 50% concept described in the book, to which she stated: “Kyle should read this book!”

I know that in the life of each of you there is such a “Kyle”: “I am a good employee, but my manager does not support me”, “I recommend my colleagues to clients, but they, in turn, do not recommend me.” In fact, everything is not quite right. First, just because you're doing "your 50%" doesn't mean the rest of you aren't doing anything. You are only doing it because you need it. This is the only way to control stress and achieve a positive result. Remember the story as old as the world when you were hit on the playground, but the teacher sees only your response. When doing your 50%, remember that when it comes time to evaluate your reputation and results, only your actions will matter. When evaluating your track record, only your personal actions will be taken into account.

In this book, you'll also learn how to draw the line between what you can control and what you can't. Of course, you can argue with foam at the mouth that you are surrounded by people who constantly miss deadlines, are hostile to you, who cannot be relied upon and who cannot make decisions on their own - and this is just the beginning of the list. You dream of a button on your remote control that would allow you to change their attitude and bring you closer to achieving your personal or professional goal. But you should remember that the behavior of any person is determined by the totality of his physical and psycho-emotional characteristics. Through their actions, the other person demonstrates their ability (or inability) to help you achieve your goals.

Following the 50% rule brings clarity to complex relationships. Always start with those actions that you can do and that can improve the situation. Try to make your efforts bear fruit (more on this in Sections III and IV). Often people use ineffective strategies for a long time, and then decide that nothing can be fixed. If even after you have completed “your 50%”, everything remains the same in your environment or relationships, it can be concluded that at the moment a certain person or situation is simply unable to change. Now you have the information that will help you make a choice: to continue in the same spirit or look for an alternative option. It is often our inability to stop when we reach this tipping point that pushes a situation or relationship into a phase of chronic stress. And you impose this stress on yourself!

Usually (though not always) the force is on the side of truth. There comes a time when a person who does not strive to fulfill "his 50%" reaps the benefits of this approach.

From the point of view of spirituality, it is not given to us to penetrate into the global plan of the Creator or the Universe. Perhaps in the end such a person will get what he deserves. Maybe he has already encountered problems that you do not know about. But you can't control it, so you don't have to worry about it. Your task is to act as efficiently as possible in the proposed conditions, or to change yourself or those circumstances that you can influence.

Q: What are the benefits of doing my 50% responsibly?

A: Perhaps this approach seems laborious to you. In fact, after some practice, it will become a habit for you and will not require much effort or take a lot of time. No need to be "perfect" - just think before you act.

The effort you put in pays off. Each time you strive to fully meet your 50%, you reduce your stress levels and get on the path to achieving your goal. This approach allows you to become the master of the situation. You build trusting relationships with others, your opinion is listened to. After a while, you develop a certain reputation among colleagues, friends, and acquaintances. Everyone around knows whether you keep your word and promises, whether you give something in return or prefer only to receive. If you always try to go your own way, people tend to listen to your point of view in a conflict situation.

According to a long-term study, people who are responsible for their successes and failures are more likely to take action, while people who believe that their lives are predetermined by external forces such as luck or fate often get lost in a stressful situation. .

The ability to “switch” yourself into an optimal mental and physical state, and to respond decisively to a problem, gives you the strength to achieve maximum results every day. Your colleagues, managers, customers and business partners will pay attention to this. Every time you manage to remain calm in a stressful situation, your relationships with others improve, and respect for you grows. There is another invaluable advantage: you can rightfully be proud of yourself, and not worry about what others think of you. So, it's simple: if you want to stay cool, exude confidence, and perform effectively even in stressful situations, you need to control what you can control.

"IDEAL" WORKING DAY

Learn to identify landmarks, this exercise will help you under the conditional name "Perfect Day". Its purpose is to give you a clear picture of what you can do and what you can achieve. First, describe your ideal work day. For example, what would you do or not do, what would you have enough time for and what would you be able to achieve (or not achieve). Concentrate on your feelings and experiences - the more details the better. As a rule, most people consider their working day to be ideal if they are in complete control of the situation, following the “50% rule”.

Then think back to your typical work day and compare the two descriptions - you'll be amazed at how big the difference is. Many participants in my resilience trainings noticed that in their ideal workday schedule, they set aside enough time to rethink and analyze their actions, while their usual workday consisted of urgent tasks and business meetings. Realizing this, they tried to change their schedule so that it had a “window” for a calm analysis of what was happening. This helped them focus their efforts only on the work that leads them to the intended goal - today they are successful leaders and leaders of companies.

The description of the ideal work day should always be in front of your eyes - it is an antidote to the uncontrolled chaos of your ordinary work day. A clear picture of actions will not allow you to deviate from the intended path - as a result, your every day will be perfect. This does not mean that you will suddenly stop being distracted or that there will be no more crises. It also doesn't mean that you will have fewer things to do. But if you use the techniques presented in the pages of this book, you will learn to control your part of the work, which will gradually help you come to an ideal working day.

The "Rule of 50%" changes your attitude to life - you are no longer a victim of circumstances, from now on your fate is in your hands. Remember that you should not avoid stressful situations and wait until everything works out by itself. Instead, take the initiative and do what you can. Do the work in "your half way" conscientiously, and others will follow your example.

PRACTICAL TASK

Analyze a difficult or stressful situation you are facing today. With the help of Fig. 2.2 Decompose the situation into components: highlight those factors that you can control and those circumstances that are beyond your control. Focus on the half that you can control and make a plan of action that you can take in the near future to solve the problem.

Take three minutes and describe your ideal work day. Indicate how you allocate time, what results you achieve, how you feel during the day, how your relationships with others develop. Post this description in a prominent place. Try to bring your usual working day closer to the ideal one.

ON A NOTE

You always have an “internal lever of control” available to you, which helps you overcome the first involuntary reaction to the situation and switch to a cold-blooded analysis of the circumstances. Any effort you make, no matter how small, will reduce your stress levels. You will see the result immediately: the problem will either be solved, or it will be easier for you to manage it.

Any stressful or difficult situation can be decomposed into factors that you can control and influence that are not in your power. Concentrate on what is within your control and act decisively in this direction.

“The 50% Rule” (“Take full responsibility for “your half way”) - following this rule will help you significantly increase your stress resistance and work efficiency.

Follow the "50% rule" even when others don't. Regardless of their behavior, only your actions determine your success and energy levels. Benefits of the 50% rule: gaining trust, reliability, self-confidence and increased stress resistance. Remember: your efforts always pay off handsomely.

When you have clearly formulated a plan of action, you begin to move straight towards the intended goal. The Ideal Work Day exercise will help you prioritize and follow through on your work day to achieve your desired outcome.

Sharon Melnick

Stress tolerance. How to remain calm and highly effective in any situation

SHARON MELNICK

Success Under Stress

Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive When the Pressure’s On

Success Under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive When the Pressure’s On.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

This book is well complemented by:

Flexible mind

Carol Dweck

The Psychology of Achievement

Heidi Grant Halvorson

whole life

Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen

To my parents, Susan and Neil Melnick, for their generosity

To Dr. Joseph Levry for his wisdom

Introduction

How this book will help you

Welcome to a new reality where all kinds of stresses exhaust you, making it increasingly difficult to stay afloat - not to mention succeed.

A very good book, which is not really about stress, but about time management :). / Although it's a no brainer that time management and stress management are very closely related; but the book is more about "time" than about "stress" :))/

Perhaps it would be more correct to call it "How to maintain efficiency and high productivity in any situation." In fact, the book is about how to achieve high results, despite external interference and negative internal conditions (stress, lack of energy, etc.).

Perhaps the book will disappoint those who are "in the know" and are looking for "something new". The value of the book is not in the "brand new", but in the literacy (from the point of view of scientific psychology and physiology) in giving recommendations to improve efficiency.

There are cases in the book, but there are few of them, i.e. the entire text is practically without "water" - these are one continuous practical recommendations in the "take it and do it" style. The author packs his advice into clear step-by-step algorithms (e.g. "3 Strategies/Ways to Focus") or formulas that are easy to remember and apply (e.g. the "3M2P formula" for prioritization; or the "TIME" formula for responding to distractions and etc.). In general, there are VERY many useful recommendations and all sorts of "chips" in the book - it's simply not realistic to retell them in a short review.

Here are just a few ideas from the book:

What is the “stress cycle” and how to break it

What is "internal control" and "50% rule"

What is Directional Thinking and How to Stay Focused

How to manage your internal energy, based on an understanding of how our sympathetic / parasympathetic nervous system works

Very interesting about the differences between men and women in overcoming stress (for men, "fight or flight" for women, "take care and / or make friends" :)))

The book contains a lot of quick breathing techniques and physical exercises (mostly from yoga) that allow you to quickly "turn on" the desired working state.

Rules for planning, setting goals, choosing priorities, etc.

The author is well aware that the main "hindrance" in time management is the people around us. If we want to be effective, we need to be able to build relationships with others in a special way. The book on the subject has excellent sections on networking and how to influence others to help you rather than hinder you.

At the very end of the book there is a selection of the 12 best anti-stress techniques (they are also techniques for maintaining optimal performance). Ready to subscribe to each technique :), they are very effective.

What's important: The tips and examples in the book are focused on managerial/business situations. The book will be useful not only for yourself :), but also in the work of a manager working with people.

To be honest, I LOVED this book! It felt like I wrote it myself :). Moreover, there were coincidences even in small things, at the level of individual techniques. For example, Sharon Melnick suggests the "ideal work day" exercise; and I have been using it in my time management trainings for ten years already :).

For example, the author suggests compiling a "stress profile/profile" (that is, a list of signs by which you understand that you are losing your energy and efficiency). Similarly, at the trainings, I give the task of calibrating internal energy (performance): to present my "image of strength" and my "image of weakness".

/ I'll tell you a secret that there are a lot of such coincidences in the book;). Although I did not find anything fundamentally "new" in it, but there are a lot of "subtleties" in it. even the well-known techniques of time management and self-organization, any professional uses a little in his own way, and these details are just the most interesting /.