Labkovsky way out of neurotic relationships. How to get out of a difficult relationship and is it worth it

Those people who are familiar with the psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky have probably noticed how often the phrase “Neurotic relations” is present in his speech. This is no coincidence, since according to the psychologist, almost all of us live in a state of neurosis and many of us are in neurotic relationships.

What is a "neurotic relationship"

Mikhail Labkovsky: “Neurotic relationships are relationships that do not bring joy and satisfaction, but which, nevertheless, continue ...”

How often do we notice neurotic relationships in the families of our friends, girlfriends, relatives? People swear, fight, hate each other, but stay together. Women endure for years an alcoholic husband or a tyrant's husband, walk around in bruises and tears, but do not leave their spouse.

This is the neurotic relationship.

Where do neurotic relationships come from?

Labkovsky traces the history of such relationships from childhood.

If children grew up in families where their parents were also in a state of neurosis, then they absorbed this atmosphere with their mother's milk.

For example, a child sees scandals in the family, aggression from childhood. Growing up, this child subconsciously also chooses a similar type of relationship. It is SUBCONSCIOUSLY. If you ask such people how it is, why did you start such a relationship, they will answer that "it just happened."

In fact, we all choose what we subconsciously know. The situation with an aggressive dad is familiar to the child, he was in it and lived. He doesn't know anyone else. Even if this, something else, comes across to him on the path of life, he will not be able to accept it, as he is afraid of the unknown.

Labkovsky told how once a married lady came to him for a consultation with a traumatic brain injury received from her husband. And she also said that the previous husband also raised his hand to her. “But this is already a real crime!” the psychologist exclaimed indignantly. To justify her husband, the woman began to tell how wonderful her husband is when he does not drink. He will clean the house, feed the children, he is affectionate to her. And when he drinks - trouble!

"What's the matter?" - says Labkovsky. “But the fact is that this woman grew up in the family of an alcoholic. She lived with this, this situation is familiar to her, she knows how to behave inside her. I could not help this woman,” Mikhail finishes.

Another variant. The woman begins to meet with a calm positive man who gives her flowers and takes her to the theater. And to a woman it seems boring and uninteresting. But the relationship to the rupture of the aorta, with the beating of dishes, the endless showdown - this will be considered love. Why is that? Because since childhood, she got used to the fact that love is suffering and even torment, so it was with mom and dad. It is this formula that is the formula of love for her.

How do people with neurosis and without it differ?

Such a situation - a guy and a girl slept together, and he disappeared. A psychologically healthy girl will perceive this adequately - she will cry a little, calm down and continue her normal life. A girl with a neurosis will react to the loss of a fan with drama and illusions. She will begin to come up with various excuses and good reasons for his disappearance, she will begin to suffer with pleasure, and for her this is obviously the beginning of great love.

If you ask the girls if they had love, many will say that they did, and they will remember their tears in the pillow, long sitting at the window or by the phone, showdowns and a dramatic break. So, Mikhail Labkovsky claims that it was not love, but a neurotic relationship.

Why does this relationship continue?

Labkovsky refers us to Sigmund Freud, who once claimed that even in the most unpleasant things people find pleasure similar to masochism. Perhaps such people like the role of the victim, the sufferer, the heroine, and so on.

Mikhail Labkovsky's concept of love or healthy relationships boils down to the fact that in such relationships no one suppresses anyone, an equivalent energy exchange takes place. Love should never bring suffering, but only joy and satisfaction.

A psychologically healthy person, having got into a neurotic relationship, will eventually choose himself, and a person with a neurosis will choose an exhausting neurotic relationship.

Mikhail Labkovsky: way out of neurotic relationships

Start doing what you like and stop doing what you don't like.

In a neurotic relationship, your desires are very often suppressed or even absent. You do only what is pleasant to the second half. You pretend that you love football very much, for example. Eat sushi when you prefer Italian food.

Labkovsky calls for an immediate end to this! Bending under a partner will not do anything good. You won't be loved anymore for it. On the contrary, respect for you will decrease. How can you respect a person who is inferior in everything?

Have the courage not to do what you don't like. State firmly that you do not like football, and instead of sushi, calmly eat spaghetti.

Do not be afraid to clearly and clearly indicate your tastes and preferences. Perhaps at first, this will cause bewilderment or indignation. Stand your ground! You are a person with your own desires and desires.

The mechanism of a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is based not only on the physical attractiveness of partners, but also on mutual respect and interest in you as a person. Therefore, pathetic female attempts to please a man, becoming a soft supple cat, looking into the eyes and catching any word of a partner, lead to your depreciation. After all, it becomes unclear to a man who he is dealing with. Who is this woman herself? What does she love, what does she hate, what are her views on this or that issue?

Talk directly about what you don't like

Labkovsky denies the important role of compromise. He argues that endless concessions and compromises lead not to the strengthening of alliances, but to chronic neuroses and oncology.

He believes that it is much more useful and productive to immediately voice the problem. If you don't like something in your partner's behavior, you should directly and frankly tell him about it. As scary as it may be to subject a relationship to such a harsh test, nevertheless, it must be done. Perhaps your partner will reject your claims, but most likely he will agree with them if he truly values ​​you.

Many girls live with their young people in civil marriages and do not dare to express their desire to get married officially. Labkovsky calls for this to be done immediately. So tell your chosen one: “I want to marry you. I want a normal family." Do not be afraid to put men in front of a choice. A normal loving man will understand your desire and take you to the registry office.

And the wrong man will pretend that he did not hear anything and leave the answer. Then it's up to you to decide whether to stay in such a relationship. Labkovsky believes that we need to move on, and wave goodbye to the ex-boyfriend.

In this aspect, Labkovsky is at odds with many colleagues, as well as with the notorious "female wisdom." He does not recommend the tactics of waiting and patience, but promotes the tactics of honesty and straightforwardness. To women’s remarks that this is how you can lose that very only man, Labkovsky mercilessly replies that it is your choice whether to continue relations with a person who does not love and respect you, and lives only for himself. This is an example of a neurotic relationship.

“Our women are very afraid of being alone. In Russia, the installation is for the obligatory existence in a pair. This has developed historically, since the Great Patriotic War, after which there were no men at all. None."

Setting for marriage

The psychological pressure of society on a woman is very strong. After the age of 25, every girl is constantly asked if she is married, and they shake their heads pityingly at the negative answer. By the age of thirty, those women who have not married are already experiencing a neurosis about the disorder of their personal lives.

The bar of self-esteem falls so much that a woman is ready for any man, just to fulfill her matrimonial duty. From this arise numerous neurotic relationships, unhealthy, but leading to marriage. At least that's how it seems to the participants.

Labkovsky says there is no "bad luck" in a relationship. There is no such thing as “bad men come across”. He ruthlessly asserts that the problem is inside the woman, not outside. You have to deal with yourself first.

And all these joyful songs and poems are written about us. And the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. Not with a neighbor, but with us (finally!).

However, it also happens that gradually the songs lose their melody, and the poems lose their meaning. Quarrels are repeated more and more often, and reconciled as easily as before is no longer possible. And what is between you, is already more like a neurotic relationship.

The “second half” seems either not at all suitable, or the best in the world.

Are you familiar with these contrasts? Are relationships more likely to bring depression than happiness? Perhaps you are in a neurotic relationship and it's time to think about how to get out of it. So it's time to act.

Why doesn't it stick?

Every relationship has ups and downs. However, in unhealthy relationships, partners become hostages to these contrasts.

That is, there is nothing wrong with domestic quarrels. But it is worth paying attention to their reasons. Yes, people can rub themselves, for example. They can test each other's boundaries. The point is sometimes not even in partners, but in the psycho-emotional burden that falls on one (or both) of them.

There is even the so-called "false memory syndrome". It is he who makes us remember ourselves during quarrels in the best light. And, therefore, we may not even be aware of how we hurt a partner during a skirmish.

But any reason suggests that your behavior needs to be reconsidered. And honestly discuss with your partner what hurts his behavior. In this case, there is always a chance to save the relationship.

However, if both people value each other, then what kind of gap can we talk about? And if not, then most likely they are trapped in a neurotic relationship.

Neurotic attitudes and their signs

In a fit of emotions, even the most beautiful relationships can be considered unhealthy for a moment. And vice versa - unhealthy relationships are considered correct for a long time. How to understand for sure?

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is considered a real expert in this field. He describes not only the signs that something has gone wrong. But it also tells how to get out of a neurotic relationship.

So, here are a few main points that you should try to “diagnose”:

• Where are your relationships going? Have you already moved to the stage of cohabitation, but nothing happens? If you have a need to develop a relationship, you need to talk about it with your partner. If your goals diverge and the person is not ready to start a family, then it's time to say goodbye. And if for many years of relationship you personally have not had a desire to start a family, it's also time to think about why;
• what really matters in a relationship. Neurotic relationships are characterized by the fact that emotions are in the foreground. Not a partner with his desires and feelings, but what sensations he gives. In other words, relationships become a platform for solving internal problems;
• "bug fixes". When something in a relationship does not suit you, you need to talk about it. Aloud. With a partner. But if nothing changes after that, this is a serious reason to draw conclusions, Mikhail Labkovsky believes. After all, real neurosis, on both sides, begins when the relationship brings discomfort;
• what we need. Neurotic relationships happen to us because we need it, says the psychologist. We get what we need now. Most likely, the next relationship after the previous neurotic one will be the same;

• inclination. If you have developed a neurotic relationship with your parents, then you are at risk. The same goes for your partner. Love through suffering almost always has references to an unhappy childhood. The child tried with all his might to win the love of cold and / or aggressive parents. Or maybe, for example, since childhood he was afraid of the dark. But no one was there to comfort him. If you recognize yourself or your soul mate in this description, just be careful. This does not mean that any of your relationships will be unhealthy. However, you will need to learn how to love without suffering;
• who is neurotic here. Relationships in which both partners of the neurotic have no chance. Since when one of them is cured, it simply becomes uninteresting for him to continue in the same spirit. There is still a small chance - if both partners are ready to change. And this already means a lot, because changes will come in every sense of love.

How to get out of a difficult relationship and is it worth it

What to do if you are in a neurotic relationship

Ending a relationship that brings you only negativity is simple and difficult at the same time, Mikhail Labkovsky believes. How to get out of a neurotic relationship? They need to be picked up and completed. All. No alternatives.

If you understand that your joint existence causes you (or your "half") suffering, why continue? And since you started asking such a question, you probably thought about a breakup. But how to get out of a neurotic relationship forever if you seem to still love this person? And is it worth it?

note that we are talking not about everyday differences of opinion, but about global ones. You either accept your loved one completely or not at all. And in the event that you do not accept him, or he you, but the relationship continues, it's time to send distress signals.

Mikhail Labkovsky quite rightly declares: we do not give up what we love. And, therefore, to a certain extent, we like our current state.

Yes, it sounds strange at first, but almost every one of us got into a relationship where we enjoyed suffering. Unrequited love, an attempt to reach out to a partner, an attempt to pull a partner up to you.

By the way, Labkovsky says not only about women, but also about men. Both are equally prone to get into neurotic relationships.

First you need to win - and not your partner, but yourself. After all, the fact that we are bogged down in such a relationship already speaks of our craving for suffering. And you can get rid of these self-torture only by giving yourself a chance for happiness.

How to get out of a neurotic relationship?

There are two ways out of a neurotic relationship: leave forever or leave as always. Leaving as usual, says Mikhail Labkovsky, means that in a day, a week, a month everything will start all over again. This is the essence of the nature of neuroticism - leaving and reconciliation will be the next round of the rollercoaster.

To stop “getting on your nerves”, you need to leave forever. And the sooner the better, since the conflict at the already serious stage of the relationship - marriage, joint children - can harm not only you.

So how do you get out of a difficult relationship without regret or looking back? The best way to do this is not to think about how to get out of a difficult relationship decisively, but simply to say goodbye once and for all. Without reproaches, without complaints, without giving hope for reconciliation. Because this is not a warning, but a mature decision.

The next logical step is to end the neurotic relationship with yourself. Realize that relationships in which painful feelings are present will bring only fleeting happiness. Yes, and the feeling of devastation will be in them more.

And for true happiness, you need to accept yourself, accept your loved one and enjoy the relationship. Without the need to fall into unhappiness in order to experience happiness later.

Eternally unhappy people who simply do not know how to be happy and enjoy life

Of course, there are also healthy people, but so far they are in the minority, especially if we talk about Eastern Europe. Because healthy people are born in prosperous families, where everyone loves each other and themselves, where no one yells at anyone or beats children. As children, they were picked up and kissed on the ass. And now they have a normal stable psyche.

In our latitudes, children are spanked, considering this, to put it mildly, a peculiar form of education. The way “he doesn’t understand otherwise, and I no longer have the strength” is a criminal offense all over the world. Ours is pedagogy. And here is the result - a mass of neurotics from childhood.

There is another common belief - you need to be strict with a child, otherwise a spoiled egoist will grow up. Here there is a substitution of concepts "to indulge" and "to love". We bought the most expensive toys for him, he is fashionably dressed, he gets everything he asks - this is pampering. A child from his parents needs to spend time with him, pay attention, talk. It is impossible to fall in love - to kiss, to pick up, this can never be too much. And to throw money and gifts - completely.

But the miracle did not happen, and a neurotic grew out of the child. Now his childish emotions require him to return to that childhood situation. Such people are always unhappy. Many, by the way, are generally convinced that happiness does not exist, that it is an invention, since they had no other life, they did not know other feelings. That's the tragedy.

In the morning we jump out of bed and run to the Internet - who died, what disasters happened

Neurotics derive a certain masochistic pleasure from their state. They have an almost narcotic need for suffering and find it in any situation. Alcoholics also get a conditional pleasure from vodka, but you can’t call them happy. They are in a deep depression, and the more they drink, the less euphoria and deeper depression. And it is important to rid neurotics of their pathological need for bad emotions, instilled from childhood.

I do not call now to blame parents for all their troubles. We lived in the Soviet Union, it took many years to survive, and not to live and think about happiness. Constant wars, revolutions, conflicts - there is no time for hedonism. In general, mental problems are directly related to employment. Our ancestors, I'm sure, did not even know mild depression, they constantly worked. Now life is different, we have free time, so fertile ground for problems has arisen.

An anxious psyche always requires confirmation of its anxiety. In the morning we jump out of bed and run to the Internet - who died, what disasters happened. Every tape starts with this, because it is “interesting”. The love of reading the news, which is considered a manifestation of an active attitude, is actually just another way to satisfy an unhealthy need to be confused. However, it is not normal to worry that an earthquake has happened somewhere, this is not about a subtle mental organization, but about a neurotic psyche. A healthy person should try to live for today. Especially in situations that are out of his control.

I myself was neurotic. Heavy, touchy, conflict, restless person. Actually, that's why I became a psychologist - I was interested in the problems that I encountered. With age, I began to work with myself, to recover, it took three or four years, but I continue to work. And here the main thing is not “above” yourself, but “with” yourself: first, accept yourself and everyone else as they are, and then help yourself become happier.

Can you do the same trick on yourself? In general, yes, but it will be difficult. In order to stop worrying about news and far-fetched reasons, to start enjoying life sincerely, you need to change the mental reactions formed in childhood. Remember the anecdote in which a naked man in the park opens his raincoat in front of a woman, she slaps her forehead - for sure, she forgot to buy eggs. These stereotypes were fixed in our heads for 30, 40, and even 70 years.

But don't despair, the world is changing. There is much less aggression in the lives of our children, and even more so of grandchildren, they are not yelled at, they are not beaten, they are interested in their opinion. People are becoming calmer, a whole generation of happy people is growing up. Ukraine is a Western-oriented country, you are also tuned in to these values, so everything will be fine. Not ideal, of course - there are enough psychos in the West. But still.

Mikhail Labkovsky will tell more about this and other topics at a public consultation meeting29th of October in Kyiv

It often happens that relationships between lovers eventually begin to cause severe pain. We look for flaws in ourselves, but sometimes the situation can be explained by the common concept of “neurotic relationships”.

The concept of "neurotic" or "toxic" relationships appeared in psychology not so long ago, but it most accurately reflects the state of complete control, depression and painful dependence of one participant in the relationship from the second. Neither motivating quotes, nor the practice of revealing one's best qualities helps to get rid of the tight collar of constant internal control from the other person.

What is a neurotic relationship

Do you know the feeling of complete dependence on the opinion of another person?
Do you consider yourself internally guilty of any manifestation of your partner's negative emotions?
Have you ever thought that only the approval of this person can make you happy?
Have you thought that without his or her presence in your life, you would no longer be able to live fully?

According to psychologists, two of these four signs indicate that you are in a state of neurosis. Neurotic relationships are dangerous because over time they completely deprive one of the participants of the joy of life, self-confidence and self-esteem. Getting out of a toxic relationship isn't easy, but it's possible. The first step to gaining freedom is to admit that you have fallen into this trap and need help.

Neurotic relationship in a couple

This scheme is considered the most common in Russia. In 8 out of ten cases, the purpose of a visit to a psychotherapist is precisely to get rid of neurosis in a love relationship. Psychologists give some extremely simple signs that your romance or family life falls into this category.

You are hurt, bad, uncomfortable. But you can't leave. Such a scenario of relations is accurately characterized by the saying: “be patient, fall in love.” But, alas, this popular sign in real life does not bring anything but constant patience and lack of love.

If you do not feel support in a relationship, if after a date with your loved one you have a feeling of uncertainty, if you constantly live in a terrible expectation of a break, then the conclusion is disappointing. Such relationships should be terminated by stepping over their painful addiction, because it will not be better.

"Guest marriage" and "pauses in relationships." The normal desire of two people who love each other to live together in a neurotic relationship may be subject to change. The natural desire to live together over time can overcome the territorial distance and domestic difficulties, but the time period during which “something must happen” often stretches for many years.

Psychologists offer a simple way out of the situation: set a period of no more than a year, during which you and your partner must be in the same territory. If, with efforts on your part, the partner begins to get annoyed, angry, or withdraws into himself, then we can conclude that he does not want to be near you. The same conclusion can be drawn from the so-called guest marriages. People whose relationships are healthy tend to live together. All other forms of relationships can be classified as neurotic.

You endure humiliation and ridicule, wanting to "earn" respect. This sign most clearly indicates the internal problems of one of the partners, leading to a clear neurosis. A healthy relationship between two loving people is primarily built on respect.

Neither passion, nor a storm of emotions, nor the beauty of the body, nor a "difficult character" can become an excuse for humiliation. Psychologists advise breaking such a connection at any cost, protecting your psychological health.

There are no indifferent to the opinion of Mikhail Labkovsky. Some people are very impressed with his ideas, others reject them. But be that as it may, his words have great power. They are based on the experience of 30 years of practice as a psychologist and healthy cynicism.

One of the main problems of an unhappy person, according to Labkovsky, is neurosis. To get rid of it, you need to follow six rules that a famous psychologist has identified.

1. Do what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't feel like doing.

3. Say what you don't like.
4. Be silent when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When you sort things out, talk only about yourself.

Mentally healthy people live by these rules, but neurotics do not even understand how they can be applied in real life.

Labkovsky believes that healthy people always choose themselves, while neurotics choose relationships to the detriment of themselves.

To save a person from neurosis, you need to remove old habits and introduce new ones. We must try to break stereotypes and act differently than before. The easiest way to do this is with the help of the rules created by Labkovsky.

They can be applied in any situation. For example, in the domestic sphere, solving even the simplest questions: eat porridge or cake. Or use guidance in fateful life circumstances: whether to get married, change jobs, take a loan.

Mikhail is often asked by people at lectures what they should do. To which he replies: "What do you want?" Those who are interested do not know what to answer, because they are not used to taking their desires into account in making decisions. And this is very important.

You need to stop being afraid, because fear limits and reduces the quality of life. At first, people do not raise their hands at school, then they go to the circle where their grandmother took them, they enter where their parents decided, and work in their specialty, because it is prestigious. And life has a way of ending.

A person adapts and endures, while not changing anything. "What if it gets worse?" he asks himself. As a result, she lives with her alcoholic husband, working in an unloved position, and much more. Do not be afraid - it is better to change!

To find a new life, you need to follow simple rules. At the same time, you need to understand that by changing your behavior, some people will leave you. For example, you will tell your colleague that you are tired of him constantly interrupting you. He will most likely be offended and will communicate less with you. But now a new door to life will open for you, where there are true friends, inspiring work and pleasant colleagues.