Very often we hang other people's problems on ourselves. Of course, this is far from typical of everyone, but there is a whole layer of people who cannot but help others in difficult times, because of which they themselves suffer as a result.

Everything in the universe must be in balance. This is one of the laws of the universe. Each person will still receive his punishment, problem, no matter how hard you try to help him. Karma cannot be cheated, so do not constantly try to pull people out of trouble who do not learn from their mistakes.

It's all about empathy

If you are not familiar with this concept, then try to remember how bad it felt for you when someone told you a sad story from their life. This is what empathy is. You feel the joy or sadness of another person, so you experience this situation in your head, as if in reality.

Empathy can be of two types: beneficial and unprofitable. Useful empathy is when you can feel the state of a person, but the emotions do not overwhelm you so much that you cannot abstract. You feel any person in any state, so it is always more pleasant to communicate with you. Negative empathy is when you get so caught up in other people's problems that you hurt yourself. This is pure spiritual goodness, but sometimes empathy has nothing to do with goodness. It's about the weakness of a person's character.

You need to understand that all people are on an equal footing. Pay more attention to logic, rather than feelings, in order to get rid of the excessive desire to help everyone and worry about everyone.

Weakness of character, influence of manipulators

Perhaps you yourself are to blame for everything, because you just let yourself be used. Manipulators and energy vampires feel people with weak willpower. There is a chance that such people are using you. To avoid this, you need to learn to say "no", even if it will be difficult, uncomfortable. Let it be uncomfortable for you, but in time you will learn. You give your time to those who will never think of you. You can check these guesses in a very simple way. Just go and ask the person for help. If he starts coming up with excuses, then this is exactly the case when you are being used in the most arrogant and unprincipled way.

You can get off the hook of the manipulator only with a refusal, tough and principled. If a person at the moment of your request for help is confused and tries to find some way out, then do not be afraid, he can be trusted. This only works if you have always helped the person and almost never asked for anything in return. You are pulling other people's problems onto yourself, not because you really want it, but because the other person is manipulating and forcing you to do it - always remember this.

Ways to learn not to solve other people's problems

People put pressure on pity, they use all the necessary methods of psychological pressure on you, but you can get rid of this negative habit of deciding everything for everyone.

Method One: Boost Your Self-Esteem. To do this, learn to see how much time you are wasting. You are controlled because you are weak in spirit. You can strengthen yourself not only mentally, but also physically. Develop to repel the enemy with words and, if necessary, actions.

Method two: value your time. Just count how many hours or days you have dedicated to making the other person feel good. If you spent money, then count them too. Ask yourself if it was worth it.

Method three: remember that everything is in balance. You won't get your time back. Of course, the Universe will be more lenient towards you in the future in some way, but don't rely on it too much. The person you helped will get what they deserve. You should not take revenge on anyone - accept and let go of the fact that you have learned something. The sooner you realize your mistake, the more time you save.

If you want to immediately break the habit of solving their problems for people, then start asking for something in return for each such request. Help when you have plenty of free time and when you are one hundred percent sure that the person really needs your help.

Any work should be encouraged. If your boss wants you to stay late, ask for a cash incentive or something else. Learn to value your own time. If you want to artificially deprive yourself of the opportunity to help someone, then find yourself a hobby or another job. You will get tired more, and therefore the desire to be altruists will disappear automatically.

Correct your life mistakes while there is time and energy for that. It's never too late to start moving on a new path. Learn to appreciate yourself, then the manipulators will not get you. This is a simple psychology, understandable and accessible to everyone. Good luck and don't forget to press the buttons and

07.05.2018 06:58

Communication with negative people devastates us, reduces immunity, causes anxiety, loss of strength, affects the occurrence of ...

Love, love… Everyone talks a lot and beautifully, but what happens in life, they try to keep silent. I, too, like until recently could talk beautifully about love, but now I don’t want to remember - it’s disgusting and dreary.

I had a young man, we met with him for a year, then we lived together for a year. Nikita was just an angel - you can't say anything: caring, attentive, affectionate, not greedy. I felt very good with him. It was…

My parents liked him: my mother kept saying that I was lucky to meet such a guy in my life, and, they say, she is now calm for me. Girlfriends envied all as one. Nikita and I discussed our future life, everything went to the wedding without any doubt. I couldn't imagine how it would all turn out.

... After being hit by a drunk driver, my mother lived only a day. My father fell ill after the funeral, and then one morning he could not get up - a stroke. I could not come to terms with the death of my mother and my grandmother, because my mother is her only daughter. She was already so old and sick, but then she completely fell ill, and even with her head she became completely ill - she began to talk, sometimes she didn’t remember herself at all and could do anything,

Of course, I had to return home, because there was no one to take care of my grandmother except me. And then she took her paralyzed father from the hospital. So I had two seriously ill people in my arms. And I was the only one in the world who needed them, who could help them.

Nikita at first reacted with understanding, as it seemed to me. Only later I realized that he simply did not immediately assess the situation objectively - he thought that this was a temporary phenomenon, and soon everything would be the same with us again, that is, I would take care of him and our future home.

I started looking for work at home, since my grandmother could not be left alone in the apartment. I even went to the store only if my grandmother was sleeping with sleeping pills, because she could cut herself, open the gas, jump out into the street and leave. My father was lying in a bed - he could not move, but he was conscious, in memory, he understood everything and only cried.

I had to completely change my life. I am also lucky that I have such a profession - I am a designer, that I can work at home. Helped friends, found orders. Only all the things, washing, cooking, nursing, took almost all the time, and I worked at night.

It is clear that I could no longer pay Nikita as much attention as before. He first moved with me, but after living in such conditions for about a month, he first went on a business trip, and when he returned, he said that he had an urgent and important job, so he would live with his parents for now.

Some time later, he came and said that he couldn’t live like that, that he dreamed of something completely different. And he reasoned so beautifully that there was only one life, that he had to hurry to succeed, otherwise the best years would go away, and he could not scatter them in order to devote his strength to caring for the sick, who, moreover, would never recover.

I listened to him and understood that this was the end of everything - dreams, plans, and love. And, to be honest, I could not blame him - after all, he was not even my husband. It is clear who wants to live in the same house with a half-crazy old woman and a paralyzed father, because they are nothing to him at all - strangers. And all these worries, care, a lot of money that is spent on medicines ...

And why does he need me - not the one that was before, but wrapped up and tired, with hands worn out from constant washing, crushed by troubles that have fallen down ?! But, although I didn’t confess to him, deep down I still counted on his help, support and strength, because he repeated so many times how he loves me and dreams of only one thing, that I will always be there.

Yes, he once said a lot of beautiful words to me - both about responsibility for me, and about the fact that I will live with him all my life, like behind a stone wall, that he will always take care of me, and so on. During this farewell conversation, he hid his eyes, and I simply remained silent - what could I say to him? That I will never hand over to the almshouse the only people close to me? That love is not only to share joy, but also sorrow? That without his support it will be difficult for me to cope with everything? He had already decided everything for himself, decided and left ...

Those who had to take care of seriously ill patients will understand what I went through and how it all was for me. I completely forgot about myself, about my past life, about Nikita, and I didn’t remember bright dreams. I often cried at night from impotence and fatigue, from everything that fell on me like this, almost overnight.

But I survived, although what it cost me, it’s better not to remember. My colleagues and friends helped me a lot. They also found work for me, and helped me with money, and they arranged for my grandmother in the hospital for free. Only she never recovered after the death of her mother and, having lived in unconsciousness for about a year, she died ...

Things were better with my father. The treatment helped him, and he began to slowly move away: mobility returned to him, he first began to move his arms, then he learned to sit, talk a little. Now it has become much easier - dad is already getting up and even moving around the apartment with crutches. And the doctors say that there is still hope for improvement. It became easier for me, because my dad even helps me. And I'm glad he's slowly coming back to life.

Nikita for all this time called once, asked if I needed something, and then said that he was getting married soon. I congratulated and wished happiness - what else could I say?! And I thought: what if something happens to his wife or her family, he will go further so as not to waste his best years on them?

And I went to a normal job, came to life a little, because dad could have been safely left at home. I even had a gentleman, it was, appeared, but I immediately told him that my father was paralyzed at home, so I never saw him again. Who needs other people's problems?!

I understand everything - not everyone is able to carry such a cross, especially to sacrifice themselves for the sake of strangers. But, if you look, this is a betrayal, right? And a person who is capable of this cannot be trusted. So, it's good that I found out the price of Nikita all the same.

On the other hand, who to believe when a loved one is ready to betray at the first difficulties?! And, it turns out that love is, while everything is fine, everything is “in chocolate”, but there is no love in trouble! I once heard an old saying from my grandmother: “A husband loves a healthy wife, and a brother loves a rich sister.” So I realized the main thing - you always need to rely only on yourself, this is the most reliable thing!

Most of us have been brought up in the best traditions: to help our neighbor, to give a helping hand to strangers, to lead our own children through the life ... Many do not feel this fine line between virtue and shouldering other people's problems.

The second is just a disservice, after which you will feel not relief and joy, but exhaustion and nervousness. And this is the first reason why you can not solve other people's problems. Below are a few more compelling arguments against.

1. Helping a person - you provide him with a sincere service, for which you do not expect good in return.

And if you do not just participate in solving the problem, but take it entirely upon yourself, then you subconsciously build a connection between yourself and this person. The essence of the connection can be described as the connection between the creditor and the debtor.

The first - lends, the second - receives with the condition of return. That is, when you solve someone's problems, you a priori expect gratitude, most often not material, but moral. That is help in return.

Disappointment comes when you discover that there are no people who want to selflessly rush to solve your problems.

2. When we try to solve a problem, without a request from a person, we become a stopper for its further development.

Firstly, a person loses the logic in the chain: problem-solution. From now on, he will always wait for some superhero to help him in a difficult situation. This discourages: a person ceases to be afraid of these problems, irresponsibility and unwillingness to answer for their own actions arise.

Secondly, a person who does not solve his problems on his own becomes weak. This is explained quite simply: he lets go of the reins of his own life, because he feels an influential friend nearby.

This makes the personality itself more vulnerable, more susceptible to life's troubles, more pessimistic.

3. Helping others, we forget about the most important thing - our lives.

With good intentions, we pave the way... to our own failures. We simply do not have time to plan our affairs, solve our accumulated tasks.

And it would be fine if our dedication brought us satisfaction. Most often, people who help others to their own detriment would be happy to refuse, but they don’t know how.

And this is their main problem. Although, one categorical “no” will solve a lot!

Thursday, December 08, 2011 2:46 pm + to quote pad

..offering a crutch to a person, he will certainly learn to limp..

Do not try to help anyone out by doing their inner work for someone. You will only diminish their strength and certainly will not contribute to the development of their own hidden resources.
Instead, allow yourself to let it fail completely and utterly...if the fall seems to be exactly what it is meant to be.
If you offer a crutch again and again to a man, he will certainly learn to limp.

Chuck Hillig "Seeds for the Soul"
_________________

Don't solve other people's problems

A good friend asked for a $500 loan. There are dollars, but there is no desire to give, although a friend. What to choose? Or there is a great desire to give, but there are no dollars. What to choose? How does a person who loves himself and loves the world act? And if all three conditions for giving money are met, and you lend money to a person, have you acted well towards him? And if he just lost 1,500 dollars in a casino and came to you to lose another 500, and then give them away with huge interest for 3 years, depriving himself and his family of income, as in this case?

When someone asks us for something, the worst thing is if we fulfill the request, causing ourselves harm, discomfort, damage. People show true altruism when they share with others what they have in abundance. If a person gave someone the last, helping him out, but left himself without everything, this is not altruism, but simply stupidity. Do you agree?

Each person has enough of his own tasks, and there is no need to solve the tasks of other people. Another thing is when we exchange the energy of desires or, by helping someone solve his problem, we solve our own. This is called mutually beneficial cooperation.

In Donetsk, I saw such a picture. At the supermarket, a toddler was riding an electric car for three years. And then his car drove up to the side. Another moment, and he would have moved out to the site. But there was a young grandmother nearby, who grabbed the car along with its driver, and put it down herself. The kid didn’t even turn his head on the pedal, apparently, this was not the first time for him. After a while, there is again a ledge in front of him, into which he is about to enter. Grandma is right here. It seems to be care, a manifestation of love: so that you don’t bump, so that you don’t get scared. But what will the little boy learn by driving a car in this way?

People are given tasks, which we often call problems, in order for them to develop and gain new experience. This helps them become successful and achieve their goals.

Sergei Zykin
Self-Love website - www.self-love.ru

_________________

If a person wants to consume much more than to give, then this is already a sick man.
This greed can be expressed not only in relation to money, it can manifest itself both sensually and spiritually.
Any help is a "drug".
The best help for children is when children don't ask.

For many reasons problems and trials are not only inevitable, but necessary. The task of parents is not to protect children from life's trials, but to help them successfully overcome these trials and grow.

How can you help your children cope with life's problems and failures?

If you solve all problems for children, then they will not be able to find their innate abilities and skills within themselves. After all, life's difficulties help the child become stronger and awaken the best that is in him.

Butterflies have to make great efforts to get out of the cocoon. If, in an effort to alleviate her plight, you cut the cocoon, then the butterfly will soon die. These efforts are necessary for her in order to develop the muscles of the wings. Spare the butterfly this difficult process and it will not be able to fly - it will die. Similarly, in order for children to grow up strong and be able to soar freely above this world, they need certain difficulties and certain support .....

"... A person needs to be helped, infringing on himself, only in a critical situation, but in a normal situation, you need to help when he wants, when he fails - there should be short-term help.

And you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to, who doesn’t succeed, but we help him.
You can't help a person more than he helps himself.

Because, if you help him, take care of him more than he takes care of himself - he will never take care of himself.
You will kill his soul - he will hate you for this help."

It is impossible to disfigure children by exempting from responsibility, protecting independence, taking away the right to choose and appeasing vices.
The result is always the same - the absolute consumer without vital immunity will grow.

____________________________________________________

How many times after the fact did I remember the universal law

“Don’t ask, don’t do”.

And how many times I violated it, and then reaped the consequences. They don’t ask for help, don’t help, otherwise you will choke on someone else’s karma.

And yesterday everything was repeated almost like last time. The man poured out his soul, although I did not ask and was not going to act as a vest - the same law, but on the other hand.

I apparently have empathic features, because this time I felt human pain and resentment with all my heart, although I didn’t want to. After this meeting, my symptoms recurred: nausea, as a manifestation of rejection and rejection of foreign energy, headache or heart.

Often we grab other people's karma and endure other people's problems when we try to help out of friendly motives, as if we were magicians. Here we are so smart and advanced, with a magic wand, we will wave and save a person from all problems.

Have you been asked about it? Yes, that might sound harsh.

But do not forget, the person did not ask you for help, maybe he has not yet received his experience, has not played enough of the victim, and we are depriving him of this precious experience for his soul. And we create problems for ourselves.

So, to all healers, psychologists and just condolences - one of the main laws of the universe:

If you are not asked, then do not climb into someone else's karma, do not ask for help - do not help.

Ask before you help if your help is needed.

Well, if you already got in, then carry out an urgent cleaning.

_______________________________

Poor, unfortunate... Have pity on you?

In childhood, we were taught, now we ourselves pass on our experience. Have pity on the poor, help those who need your help. A person in trouble - sympathize. Support with deed, advice, money. But there are times when we do a disservice. We harm a person if we pity him when he is a victim of circumstances. We do not let him go forward, forcing him to stagnate.

I have a student. Successful young man. He wants to make a career. At the same time, she is under the vigilant control of her active mother. Mom knows what her son needs. Where will he go. Who to be friends with. How exactly will you make a career. Mom suppresses everything, in her opinion, unnecessary impulses of her son. As a result, at the age of 30, the young man never started a family. Mom did not approve of his choice. Finally, one of the brides still passed the “test”. It was about getting married. And on the day of the appointed wedding, the bride simply did not come to the registry office ... The young man could not understand this “strange” behavior of the failed wife for a long time. This injury affected all his further relationships with girls.

Once in a conversation, he admitted that he was so afraid of his mother's disapproval that he resisted the developing relationship with his future wife with all his might. He is independent. The lonely state suits him quite well, although he is afraid to admit it to himself. He had a subconscious fear of being abandoned again. He constantly complains about loneliness and at the same time is afraid to start a new relationship.

Surely in your life there are people who complain about their lives. And they do absolutely nothing to change it. Sometimes we don't know what to do. What advice to give? We are trying to help them. Understand them, understand their problems. But do these people want change? Or are they diligently cultivating sprouts of self-pity? They just need to endlessly talk about their problems. Every time he calls me, his first words are: “Not yet married!” But I do not ask him a question about his personal life! So it's important to him, so he wants to cry into his vest again. He wants to be pitied, unfortunate...

Don't force anyone to be happy. And you can't force yourself into heaven. Only the person himself can decide what he needs. Only he himself can change the course of his life. What about relatives? These "saboteurs" want to solve their problems at the expense of friends and family. And this eternal whining, endless complaints, sometimes even aggressive demands to answer how he, the unfortunate one, should be, how to act ... And this is nothing more than shifting responsibility for one's actions onto other people's shoulders. Don't let yourself be drawn into other people's games! You can only help these people - let them know that the time for empty pitiful talk is over, that your vest is already so wet from their tears that it is time for them to act!

If these people are really dear to you, you can offer in each case some help that will help you get out of a difficult situation. But do not engage in global custody! Otherwise, you will have to feel sorry for them all your life and solve their problems as your own all your life. And ask the question - why do they so often get into difficult situations? Why does life give them difficult tasks? Maybe because before that not a single vital task had been solved by them on their own? Maybe because it's time to become the master of your own life? Help these people make their own decisions. First in life.

Rate it! Emphasize that taking responsibility for your actions is half the battle. Don't be afraid to do something wrong. Let there be another mistake, but its own. After all, this is already a personal experience, and not the experience of following the advice of friends. This is the only way to be fulfilled in this life.

Stop pitying them! Help become independent.

_____________________________

Do no good to your neighbor

Strange note title, isn't it? Looks like one of Murphy's Laws or an aid to indifference. But, putting aside the fact that pity is not compassion, but virtues with good intentions usually make everything worse (as they carry their understanding of what is good to an outsider who is good and does not need it), there are a few points why doing good to others in the sense that by trying to help them grow spiritually is bad.

1. Nothing can be done with anyone.

Without his inner consent.

2. Vampirism.

Once realizing that you can get something for free, a person can easily begin to strain all those around him who are weaker than him. Emotionally, energetically, etc. The vampire is usually blocked from receiving energy from the environment, blocked by his problems. And by continuing to vampire or strengthening his skills to vampire, he only blocks himself from the world even more. And how did the banal and so beloved by some give up one's (alien, place of power, reiki, dead Teacher, etc.) energy to someone at some darshan?

3. Seven demons.

To clarify this point, let's take an analogy, which you don’t need to carry anywhere further than this paragraph and think about it too. This is an illustration. So, a simple person in her everyday life is drawn in the form of a jug that scooped up water in a dirty puddle. And, by personal preference. Sometimes there are bright moments in his life - a little dirt splashes out of the jug. Sometimes dark - he scoops out of the puddle again. And here comes the virtue-psychic and offers him to clean himself completely! And cleans, which is typical. At first, the jug feels good, it flies, soars, it rises to the stars. But the desire to scoop up dirt remains, the puddle is so dear, warm, homely. And one day, not knowing how to stay in a bright state, he scoops up from the puddle to the fullest. What happens in his life, if earlier he was used to teaspoons, as a great grief, I think it’s not necessary to say.

4. Reverse side.

The psychic (healer, master teacher, helper) will also, by the way, get his own. Do not think that this side comes out dry from such stories. Inevitably, when working with people, you pick up other people's problems from them. Imperceptibly, slowly. Somewhere something hooked, it was similar to his own, somewhere he participated emotionally, somewhere emotionally he behaved like a cracker, somewhere an imperceptible hello came from past lives. If the master teacher does not know how to cleanse himself of this, if he does not see what he has picked up, then all this will begin to poison him. He begins to live someone else's life and its problems, illnesses, misfortunes. If he works with an audience or many people, multi-threaded, then the process only speeds up. And people, by the way, are only happy to relieve their stress on such people. Not very many people want to change, they want to be freed from the consequences of their lifestyle, healed and cleansed without internal changes by magic. And do not think that anyone is able to see that he has picked up from someone. This thing is like moon dust - it eats into and penetrates under hermetic spacesuits, imperceptibly becomes one with you. Here, rather, anyone is able NOT to see that he picked up.

5. Help with a word.

The most senseless act is preaching. No, maybe something will happen. But anyone can understand you no more than they already have in themselves. What are you ready for. And most likely, the sermon is tied to some kind of egregore or to yourself. One of the conditions for existence under an egregor is the dissemination of "teachings" by any means. Verbal or as above.

6. Danger.

Danger for you, and not only some kind of subtle-energy type of astral attacks, but quite physical. It is necessary to understand for yourself that the normal, adequate reaction of society to attempts to climb into it with the growth of awareness and spirituality is to try to nail you to the cross and leave you to die painfully. This is not about various useful applications of extrasensory perception in general. And not about useless "spiritual" preachers who earn something like authority, flock, cash cows for egregor, money, etc. in masses. Pseudo-spirituality, especially the one that allows you to feel good, important, to show self-pity, pride, lust, and other things that are less harmonious - such pseudo-spirituality comes at a price. The point is that the preaching of Jesus and the response of the Jewish community to it are directly dependent things. The preaching of Jesus is normal for awareness and abnormal for society, the behavior of society is normal for him and he does not need any awareness at all ever. Only a few, but for the most part large collective formations will be as they are, always, forever. A bright future for everyone is "a carrot for a donkey that pulls a cart hanging in front of him."

What to do?

But nothing. To be an example. So that those who can feel become interested, how can one be the same, what can be done with oneself in order to become the same self-sufficient, quiet, blissful, filled, etc. Show on the techniques, hand over the fishing rod and cross for the long haul. Amen.

Antardhan(with) http://neosannyas.ru

_________________

How to help without helping?

Do you need to help your neighbor? Or does a person have to go through all the trials himself in order to understand something important for himself through difficulties? Maybe it's better to stand quietly on the sidelines and watch? Then, is it ugliness? How to help a person so that he learns to help himself?

There is a beautiful model that can guide the understanding of this topic. It's called the Karpman triangle. Imagine three peaks in which the Savior, the Victim and the Persecutor are present. And now some terrible events happen to the Victim - the Persecutor pesters him, the Victim is looking for a Savior who undertakes to unequivocally help, gives unequivocal advice. The victim acts according to these tips and (as the first option) fails. Then she blames the Savior for everything, since she shifted the responsibility for her actions to him. The Savior turns into the Victim, the Victim into the Persecutor and the new Victim is looking for a new Savior.

Or the second option. The Victim, following the advice of the Savior, brutally defeats his Persecutor, thereby turning him into the Victim. The new Victim is looking for his Savior, and together they take revenge on the old Victim, the current Persecutor, and together with the old Savior - for advising.

Or the third option. The Savior famously destroys the Persecutor and returns to the Victim for payment for his services. He can do this consciously or unconsciously for the rest of his life to demand gratitude from the victim. The victim is shocked by the amount of this payment and begins to look for a new Savior who will make a new Victim out of the old Savior.

Thus, the triangles multiply, transform, grow stronger. This is an endless drama, tragedy and farce that we see everywhere and around. Is there any chance to break out of this triangle? Is it possible to miss it?

The energy that feeds the Karpman triangle is the transferred, relieved responsibility for actions. The victim blames the Persecutor for his failures and sets the Savior on him, trying in every possible way to get out of the situation. The Savior, without hesitation, takes on this someone else's responsibility, without doubting the illusory whining arguments of the Victim, and takes actions that ultimately bring more destruction than creation.

Giving direct and specific advice to the Victim, according to which he must take certain steps, the Savior, sometimes unwittingly, takes on some of the responsibility for the result. It is not at all known how the advice will be understood, how it will be implemented, but there is always the opportunity to justify it by the fact that thoughts were not used in the implementation of the advice, and therefore "in which case" there is always someone to whom you can make claims like " I did everything you said, but it turned out even worse." If the Victim has been playing his role for a long time and professionally, then there may be a high probability of an unconscious desire to completely fail the results of actions on advice in order to involve the Savior in his problems even more. Thus, advice is often a disservice.

In order not to fall into the Karpman triangle, one must not become a Savior and be aware of the perniciousness of being a Victim. The victim must, in any scenario, understand their own causes of problems and accept responsibility for their solution. The Savior should not take responsibility for solving other people's problems. Otherwise, the triangles will spin with unexpected speed and destructive force for the participants.

If you want to help another person, then create conditions under which he would realize the reasons for his being inside the problem, would take responsibility for what is happening. Further, he must understand that no one will be able to deal with the problem better than himself - avoiding a solution is tantamount to giving up the skill that the world wants to teach the Victim, putting her in such an unenviable position. If the Victim does not defeat his Persecutor on his own, then such situations will repeat themselves over and over again, until the Victim gains the skill to cope with such situations.

But if you really understand that help in a situation is important and needed, then agree that you share the responsibility with the one you help. If your help is to give advice, then let the person you help consciously take responsibility for the process and for all the results of their actions on your advice. You must be unequivocally sure that you will not receive complaints about the quality of your advice (at this point, the desire to give advice sometimes disappears).

If your assistance consists of specific actions, then negotiate a fee for your services. It is important to understand here that payment here is not self-interest - giving you, say, money, the Victim pays essentially to itself. The more adequate the amount, the more the Victim realizes that he is actively involved in solving his problem. Psychologists who work for free or make concessions and discounts for their poor and unfortunate clients actually interfere with themselves - the problem is not solved, because the client does nothing to solve it.

The best way to help a person is to create conditions under which he could solve his problem himself. This is the cunning and complexity of the task of the helper - it is important to find a way to provoke a person to go beyond the limits into which the problem has squeezed his mind, it is important to give new degrees of freedom to his consciousness. If a person, as a result of your actions, independently understands what needs to be done, discovers in himself the resources for his salvation, acquires the skills necessary for a solution - this will be an ideal case for help. And Karpman's triangles will not be destined to turn around.

In a situation where one person helps another, it is important to share responsibility so that both understand their goals and objectives. The ideal option is when a person in need of help understands that the responsibility for the result always lies with him. The responsibility for the process of moving towards this result can be shared with someone. But the result, the solution of the problem is the sacred prerogative of the one who got into a problem situation. You can't solve a problem by blaming it on someone else. Another may take your problem, but then it will become his problem and he will solve it himself. But you will not learn anything by doing so, thereby provoking a repetition of the problem.

There is a well-known parable about how an angel met an angel who was dying of hunger near the sea. The man asked the angel for fish, but he gave him a fishing rod and taught him how to catch this fish. And then there are these words of the holy Mother Teresa:
I asked - and God sent me trials to harden me.
I asked for wisdom - and God sent me problems to puzzle over.
I asked for courage - and God sent me danger.
I asked for love - and God sent the unfortunate who need my help.
I asked for blessings - and God gave me opportunities.
I didn't get anything I wanted, but I got everything I needed.
God heard my prayers.

________________

If you start by sacrificing yourself for those you love, you will end up hating those you sacrificed yourself to.
Bernard Show

Are they waiting in line for the sacrifice?
- Here! You will follow me. I am 852, you are 853.
- What, so many people?
- What did you think? Are you the only one that's so smart? Look, everyone who is ahead - there too.
- Oh, mothers! When will the turn come?
- Don't worry, it's fast. What are you sacrificing for?
- I - in the name of love. And you?
- And I - in the name of children. Children are my everything!
- And what did you bring as a sacrifice?
- Your personal life. As long as the kids are good. I give everything to them. A good man called for marriage - she did not go. How can I bring their stepfather into the house? She quit her job because she traveled far. I got a job as a nanny in a kindergarten, so that in sight, under supervision, well-groomed, fed. Everything, everything for the children! Himself - nothing.
- Oh, I understand you. And I want to sacrifice a new relationship.
The door swings open, a voice is heard: "Who is under 852? Come in!" Time passes slowly, but 852 comes out of the office.
- Oh, my dear, they showed me this! I them - rrraz! - on the table of the victim. Your personal life. The children will grow up, they will appreciate what their mother has sacrificed for them." And they tell me: "Sit down and look at the screen." And there is such a strange movie! About me. As if the children have already grown up. a month, as if from under a stick. I told him: “Well, son, so with me, why?” And he told me: “Don't get into our life, mom. Don't you have anything to do?". And what should I do, I didn’t do anything besides children? Is it that the children did not appreciate my sacrifice? Was it in vain, or what, I tried?
From the office door comes: "Next! 853!".
- Come on, have a seat. What did they sacrifice?
- Relations. Here. Look, they are, in general, small, just beginning.
- So you are this new relationship - a sacrifice?
- Yes, so as not to injure my current man. Even though he drinks, beats me, but we are together! And they told me that you show movies here. About the future!
- And we'll show you about the present, if you want?
- Oh oh! It is me! My God, do I look like this? Yes, lies! I take care of myself. And what is this boy? Why do I feel so sorry for him? What a nice one. Look, look how he hugs me!
- You didn't know, did you? This is your man. In the projection of the soul, he is a child. And cuddles like a mom ...
- Yes, he is like that in life! Always listens to me. Leans back. Stretches. I learned from childhood - a woman should be stronger, wiser, more determined. She should lead the family and guide her husband!
- Well, that's the way it is. A strong, wise, determined mother leads her boy-husband. And he scolds, and regrets, and sips, and forgives. What do you want?
- Very interesting! But I'm not his mother!
- Of course, of course, that's how it happens: the boy will play in the sandbox and come home. To my own mother. Cry into an apron, confess. Okay, end of movie. Let's end our meeting. Will you sacrifice love? Haven't changed your mind?
- What about the future? Why didn't you show me the future?
- You don't have it. With such a present, your grown boy will run away.
- Tell me, what needs to be done so that my husband - well, grows up, or what?
- Probably stop being a mom. Turn to face yourself and learn to be a Woman. Seductive, exciting, mysterious, desirable. I want to give such flowers and sing serenades, and not cry.
- Yes? Do you think it will help?
- It usually helps. Well, that is if you do choose to be a Woman. But if anything - you come! Your relationship is simply wonderful, we will take it with pleasure. Do you know how many people in the world dream of such a relationship? So, if you decide to donate to those in need - you are welcome!
- I will think!
853 perplexedly leaves the office, convulsively clutching the relationship to his chest. 854, dying with excitement, enters the office.
- I am ready to sacrifice my interests so that only mommy does not get upset.
The door closes, nothing else is heard.
People walk along the corridor, clutching to their chest desires, abilities, careers, talents, opportunities, love - all that they are ready to sacrifice selflessly ........

Whom to give an apple to?

Svetlana Ermakova, Leonid Zharov

Chapter from the book "About two - alone".

Who to help? On whom to spend forces, energy, money?
To whom to give apples, which are not cheap now? All in a row, through one or no one?
This is a conversation about "Yes" and "No", about the strong and the weak, about the choice of friends and foes, wives and husbands. Yes, again about this - about happiness and unhappiness.

You are strong. Your smile is tireless, the light of your eyes is inexhaustible, words are not difficult for you. Nothing is difficult for you.

You are indecently healthy, and you do not understand why they are sick, others. Of course, you smoke, drink dubious liquids at parties - and listen to yourself with fun: maybe at least your head will hurt? You are ready to think that nothing will ever hurt.

You also think that you will never die, although you pretend to be mortal, like everyone else.

From an excess of vitality, you hit the wall with your fist, and your fists itch to break through any wall that gets in your way.

In addition, you are lucky with your height, face, and the long, even fingers of your palm certify the breed.

You are also lucky with your mother, who sews almost branded items, and your mother was lucky with a machine that sews.

And, importantly, you have a fearless mind. You are not bored, you are very interested in the world and with yourself. You don’t have bad dreams, you don’t believe in omens and horoscopes, but you believe in a life that won’t stop loving you.

And many people think that you are the favorite of life and predict good luck.
And we do not predict luck, sorry.

_______

There will be two girls.
The first is nothing special, average in everything, average height, average weight and mind is also average. But - accessible. Available not to everyone, available only to you. She seems to have been loyal and available to you even before you met. They say about such people: "she loves him very much." And they also say: “she is very kind”, there is nothing more to say.

And, here's another sign: this girl must have had a difficult childhood: a cow gored, or a gander bit, or a guy dragged into the bushes.

And this very kind loves you very much. Honestly, you forget about it during the day, but it comes in handy at night. What to do, the strong during the day are strong at night.

Then you will meet the second girl - with an easy childhood, easy character, easy gait and a light smile. It is good not only at night, but also during the day.

You should marry the second, but you marry the first, who had a difficult childhood. Are you going to ruin the rest of her life?

Thanks to her difficult childhood, this girl knows how to count how many apples are in her basket. And she has long considered that she needs someone like you. Someone like you is not you.

To conquer someone like you, all her female forces will be summoned, of which the main one is weakness.

Whom to give an apple to? Easy, lucky, who will survive and not even cry? Or this tear-stained one, who doesn't seem to survive?.. You'll choose the tear-stained one.

In fact, you have been chosen. Girls choose husbands without even knowing their name. We quote from life: "I saw him at the dance and said to myself: he will be my husband!"

It will be bitter at the wedding, but you will be amused by the fact that life is big. Life is great, and you are her favorite, she will give you the strength to make happy your women, your children, your mother, who sits in a corner and thinks why she did not have time to explain to her boy who to give apples and who to take them from ...

____________________________________________________________________________________

Your wife's main concern will be to get herself into trouble. You thought you'd make her happy - so get it!

If she comes across a good boss and a healthy child, she will get sick herself. If you don’t get seriously ill, there will be other tragedies, betrayal of friends, for example. Quote from life: "I was betrayed again. Looking straight into my eyes. How did I survive this? I don't trust anyone now!"

Of course, the wife would prefer another weapon to keep you out, so you don't leave.

Being a woman, not an old lady, but it's hard. It's a pity for strength.

You won’t leave anyway, you won’t leave her, who was deceived by a cow in childhood, and recently gored by a friend. Or vice versa? It doesn't matter, it's still a tragedy.

But the most well-aimed, double-barreled weapon against your departure will be children. Double-barreled, because there will be two of them. Quote from life: "Now he will not leave, now we have a daughter. He loves her so much!"

Another quote from the same life: "He has no time to cheat on me. Two children, and he has two jobs. Maybe give birth to a third?"

And one day, raising your fist to break through another wall that has stood in your way, you suddenly lower it. The almost forgotten path will lead you to that second girl, to that one who does not cry. You tell her: "I'm lying with my wife, and I represent you," and she will cry.

Time will pass, about a year, and your beloved will say: "I'm tired of feeling sorry for your children and your wife. I feel sorry for myself and my unborn children. Why are we worse?"

And you will lie and think: "How tired I am. How I cannot live!" And for the first time you will think that no one felt sorry for you. Except, of course, mom, whom you did not feel sorry for.

And for the first time you will think that it is unfair: to give your apples to people of average intelligence, average kindness and average love.

And for the first time you will realize that you have an empty basket.

___________________________________________________________________________

The strong, fear the weak!
It is they who will force you to run around the circle of life, and the circle will narrow until you collapse and ask yourself: who will take pity on me?

___________________________________________________________________________

Many will reproach us: what if I'm weak? I'm tired, I'm afraid, I'm sick, I can't? What do you think I should do?

In our opinion, to become stronger. Extract energy from a smile, from a carrot, from a cold shower, from a hundred tilts to the left and a hundred to the right.

Let's say even tougher: there are no weak. There are people who benefit from being weak. If you managed to be born, grow up - you are already strong, you don’t even suspect how much secret power is in you.

Ask a "weak" friend what he does to become stronger? You will hear excuses: "I did, but ...", or "So I am ..."

See how the "weak" lives:
- he lives all his life where he was given an apartment;
- he works where he is paid a salary;
- he eats everything that is sold to him;
- he is treated where he is treated;
- he lives with the one who chose him;
- he watches what is shown to him;
- he rests where he was given a ticket ...

Now such a "weak" will ask with interest: how should one rest? what should you eat?

Do not rush to tell him that there is food that gives energy, and sometimes it is knocking down. He read about this many times and then said: this is not for me.

Quote from life: "When I first got sick, I was so scared! I wanted to quit smoking, frying and lying down. And then I looked around: you can live with this disease! Now another disease. I look: you can live with it. So I live."

_______________________________________________________________________________

Yes, people are different. Some are born strong, others fall ill due to their own stupidity or parental stupidity. But if you are sick, you must be more stubborn than healthy: in diet, in training, in restrictions, in opening vents and windows.

We agree to recognize only one weakness: the weakness of the mind. But for some reason no one complains about this weakness.

________________________________________________________________________________

Can you help the weak? It is forbidden. As long as he is helped, he has the luxury of being weak. Here's how you can help: stop helping.

Before our eyes, unviable people turned into very viable people when they were left alone with life. This transformation was difficult, tearful, they began with threats to "do something with themselves", and really - they began to do themselves.

The benefits of the weak are in plain sight: everyone is sorry, everyone helps. In obtaining sympathy and compassion, the "weak" achieve artistry. Do you have such an artist in your friends? Shake your head, take a look - he lives better than you! Quote from life: "Do you want to help her? Help yourself better!"

________________________________________________________________________

How many women seized their lives only by the tail, by the tip, towards retirement, because they felt sorry for the supposedly weak. There was a drunkard husband on whom his life wasted. All thoughts of divorce were suppressed: he would die without me!.. Husbands lived and drank for their own pleasure, and the femininity of women and the childhood of children perished.

________________________________________________________________________

Then who to give apples?
Our answer is a vital one, paid for by headaches, heart failures, hostility to the voice of our own child.

Give energy to whoever gives it to you.

It is worth keeping a close eye on how many times your friend complained about life, but did not change it in any way, how many times he spoiled the mood in a conversation, how many times he dined at your expense. And maybe look for another person?

We think that the one who uses your advice and shifts something in his life is already giving back. The person to whom you gave money gives back, not with money, but with labor, by multiplying his strength. And nice!

Give apples to those who want to become strong. Don't be sorry!

Look for the strong. Do not delay your step and your heart near the cunning and lazy.

________________________________________________________________

Just a small warning: you will be looking for a long time and with many disappointments. We are talking about finding a loved one - a friend, girlfriend, husband, wife. If we agree that a person is always waiting for a miracle, then he is waiting for this miracle. The miracle of man.

Quote from life: "Doesn't it seem to you that there is a desert around? And only far, far away, behind a mountain, a person lives. And behind another mountain - also a person ..."

_________________________________________________________________

And it may happen that you, so strong and smart, will miss your man. And it will be so.

You will get tired of looking, you will get tired of giving, you will get tired of being fooled. You will get tired of giving more than you need, and you will begin to give less than you need. You will learn how to weigh each apple. You will learn, by giving a small apple, to claim that you are giving a big one. It will be funny to you that people are so easily deceived.

This is where the person will meet. The most annoying thing is that both you and he will immediately understand that they met. This is a true brotherhood, blood relationship. It is the recognition of oneself, another self, a new self. This is the happiness of invincibility and independence. When two forces meet, they multiply tenfold.

But the person will leave you, and you know why? You, as always, out of habit, out of fear, will begin to weigh, to assure that the apples are not green, but red. You would probably come to your senses later, because everything is given to your brother without weighing. Please come to your senses at least later, when the miracle ends, when the person leaves.

_______________________________________________________________________

Here is a life story.
There lived two friends. They were friends for nine years, and on the tenth the friendship ended.

The first married and began to weigh.
On what? For the sake of friendship, he pushed back his scales a long time ago. But the wife imperceptibly moved the others. On these scales it was written: children. (Wives like to explain their interests by the interests of children). And the weights were like this: an apartment, money, the right people.

An old story, but here's what it's about: know how difficult, almost impossible, to stop weighing on other people's scales. Here we read the newspaper or watch TV. They write to us, they say.

We are given.
Mass media - the words are quite crafty. More precisely - the means of mass suggestion.

And there are also means of family suggestion. Means of official suggestion. All of these tools involve scales.

A miracle does not recognize weighings.

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Wait now for a new miracle, and in this case, take our advice: always give more than you take. Always. Just in case of a miracle.

We are also waiting.
Hello, our lost brother! Hello, brother unmet! How are you over the mountain? How much do you have apples?
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Let people solve their own problems. You don't have to think for them. Taking care of them, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to deal with the arrangement of your own destiny. In addition, your friends and relatives, for whom you often solve some issues, lose their independence and become less adapted to life. It turns out that by constantly helping others, you are doing them a disservice.

Don't let others blame you for their problems. Try to refrain from advice, remain neutral in any situation. Do not take the initiative and know how to refuse if you are approached with an inconvenient request for you. Learn to be firm. You can refer to your employment or incompetence in a particular issue.

If you take responsibility for the lives of others, it will not lead to anything good. The fate of advisers and assistants is such that in the event of an unsuccessful outcome of events, they become to blame for the failure. Giving recommendations to others on the arrangement of their personal, social life or career is a thankless task.

You should not consider yourself an expert in all areas. You cannot give competent advice to another person, because you do not know all the nuances of his life. Only the person himself is able to find the right solution for himself. The maximum that you can give to a friend or loved one is sympathy and moral support.

take care of yourself

Instead of solving other people's problems, focus on your own affairs. Get on with your life and you won't have time to interfere with the problems of others. Pay attention to yourself, your appearance and health. Tidy up your apartment. Think about what success you can achieve in the professional field.

Think about your goals and life goals. Focus on achieving them. Make a plan for how you can get closer to your dream. Develop, improve your skills. Take some training courses, get additional education. By the way, if you are so interested in the lives of other people, devote yourself to studying the psychology of personality.

Some people interfere in the lives of others, help them, because without this activity they feel useless. If this is about you, find a way to fulfill yourself. This can be done through a profession, a hobby, a family. Choose an activity according to your taste and ability.