What to talk about with a stranger. How to start a conversation when there is nothing to talk about

In many parts of the world (and Russia is no exception here), people are brought up to consider all strangers as dangerous by default: they cannot be trusted, they can cause harm. True, most strangers are not dangerous. But it is not easy to communicate with them without context. In any case, we should not be afraid of other people. You just need to learn to understand when to show friendliness and when not.

We hang labels that help our brain quickly form an opinion about another person. We automatically put strangers into categories: a man - a woman, our own - a stranger, friend - enemy, young - old. We do not perceive the other person as a person. Thinking is so easy and convenient. But this is the path to prejudice.

Why is it important for us to communicate with strangers?

We often say “How are you?” to our neighbors. or "Beautiful day." Agree, there is no benefit either from this question or from the information received. But why are we doing this?

It helps to feel part of society

Psychological research has proven that most people communicate more honestly and openly with strangers than they do with close friends and family. They feel that strangers understand them better.

Connecting with strangers is a special form of intimacy that gives us what we need and what our friends and family can't.

Communication with people outside the usual circle is very important. First, it is a quick interaction that has no consequences. Agree, it's easy to be honest with a person you'll never see again.

Secondly, when communicating with loved ones, we always expect them to understand us without words, to guess our thoughts. With strangers, you have to start from scratch: tell the whole story from the very beginning, explain who these people you are talking about, what you think of them. Therefore, sometimes strangers really understand us much better.

It helps to connect emotionally with people.

Communicating with strangers, you unwittingly become a participant in their emotional experiences. A casual conversation about the weather can turn into a deep interaction. It seems strange that we can make personal contact with a stranger. But these quick interactions can give us empathy, an emotional resonance. Sociologists call this phenomenon fleeting intimacy.

Experiment Rules

It seems very easy to walk up to a stranger on the street and say "Hello", but that's just how it seems. Where is it appropriate? How should communication take place? What's the best way to end a conversation? These are just a few of the issues that need to be dealt with.

To learn in the company of people you have never met before, the experiments that Keo Stark advises his students to undergo will help.

If you decide to conduct research, follow these simple rules:

Take notes: keep them in mind, write them down in a notebook, share your observations on a blog or social networks.
Respect other people and watch your behavior. If you see that a person is not inclined to communicate, do not put pressure on him and do not be intrusive.
Don't forget cultural differences. It is not recommended to conduct an experiment in a country that you do not know well enough. For example, in Denmark, people are usually not inclined to communicate with strangers: a Dane would rather pass his bus stop than ask another person to clear the aisle. In other countries - Egypt - it is considered impolite to ignore another person, so do not be surprised that when you ask for directions, you can receive an invitation to visit.
All studies are arranged in order of increasing task complexity. Experiment No. 1 is a warm-up, and it is better to start with it, even if you are interested in another experiment.

You will need a notepad. Spend one hour in a public place where you are not likely to run into people you know. It can be a park, a cafe, a train, or any other place where you can linger and watch people who are also in no hurry.

Choose a good spot where you can sit down and look at a wide range of people from a relatively close distance. Log out of the Internet, turn off all devices for one hour. Part of this test is total presence. Then look around.

Describe the situation. Where are you? What is interesting in this place? What do people usually do here? What's going on unusual? What kind of people are around you?
Take notes. How others look, what they are wearing, what they do and what they don’t, how they interact with each other. If there are too many people around you, you can choose a few of the most interesting ones.
Think of the life stories of these people. Give specific details that inspire your story. So, for example, if you are sure that one of them is rich, or homeless, or shy, or a tourist, or lives nearby - think about what led you to such thoughts. Try to understand where you get these assumptions.

Experiment #2: Say "Hi!"

Take a walk in a crowded place: a park with paths, along the embankment, the main street of the city. Determine for yourself the optimal distance that you need to walk (it is desirable that the walk takes from five to ten minutes). There should be a lot of pedestrians around you. Go slowly and start experimenting.

Your job is to say "Hi" to every person you pass by. To each of them. Don't be afraid to look them in the eye, and don't worry if someone misheard you or intentionally ignored you. This is just a warm up.
The next step is not just to say hello, but also to add your observations to the greeting, which will help start a conversation. They should not contain anything personal, but they should indicate social recognition. For example: "Cute dog", "You have a wonderful hat" or "It's cold today." Such phrases help to establish contact and make social connections.

Carefully evaluate each of these micro-interactions. You may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but don't stop until you've talked to everyone. What happens when you greet people? They are smiling? Are they laughing? Embarrassed? Look unusual? Tell the companion about what happened?

If you are nervous, you can take a friend with you. But this friend must not say anything. He is there just to make you feel safe.

Experiment #3: Get Lost

This experiment is a series of requests, each requiring more active participation. Try to go through each stage. Keep a pen and paper close at hand, and hide your smartphone away.

First ask someone to show you the way.
If the person stops and points you in the direction, ask them to draw a map.
If he drew a map for you, ask for his phone number in case you can call him if you get lost.
If he gives you a phone number, you call him.

Surprisingly, most people easily leave their number. Over the years, Keo Stark has taught this exercise in her classroom, and only one student has ever dared to call.

Be careful when choosing a starting point and destination, it may not be possible to choose a pair that will work right the first time. It should not be quite simple, otherwise the map will not be needed. But not too complicated for a passer-by to explain to you.

This is an exercise Stark came up with almost 10 years ago, and it's a little harder to do in this age of smartphones. You must give the plausible impression that you cannot navigate without a hand-drawn map or list of directions.

Experiment #4: Ask a question

People talk if you give them the opportunity. They say when their . In this experiment, you must ask a stranger a disarmingly personal question and then simply listen. By "disarmingly personal," Stark means an unexpectedly intimate, personal question about something really important. It should be a question that will immediately include a person in communication.

The technique works as follows. You should bring video or audio equipment with you (your smartphone will do) to give the intrusion some legitimacy and some logic.

The camera is a little trick that gives you the right to ask questions, and at the same time an intermediary that helps people to speak more openly.

Approach a person who is not in a hurry and ask if you can ask him a question on camera. Some people will agree to answer your question, but not on camera, which is good. After all, the meaning of our experiments is in conversations, not in writing.

Start recording, ask a question. And then be quiet. If you are asked to clarify a question, repeat, but do not give any rough answers. Your job is to listen. If you see that a person feels free, you can ask clarifying questions, but do not rush. Let the person fill in the gap on their own.

Experiment #5: Be an Outsider

This is the most risky experiment. Choose a place where you don't fit in, where you are in the minority. You have to stand out, be noticeably out of place. Perhaps by race, gender, ethnicity, age, appearance.

Your goal is simply to observe what people are doing, how they react to your presence. You can try to draw attention to yourself and see what happens.

Of course, you should not put yourself in danger, so do not choose a place where you are likely to encounter open aggression. Perhaps you will have an instructive experience. But just in case, prepare yourself, as there is a chance that after this experiment you will not feel your best.

But this is an important experience in terms of empathy: you will feel for yourself what a person feels when they are not noticed or do not want to see. No one wants you to constantly experience this, but when you experience it for yourself at least once, you can look at the world differently.

This problem is practically not faced by extroverts and those who like to be in the spotlight and do not think at all about how to adapt to a new environment. Introverts and sensitive people are another matter - for them an unfamiliar company can become a real torture. Although such a way out of the comfort zone can significantly expand the horizons: you can meet new friends, find a great job and hobby, and also find your love outside the Internet. Get offline more often!

5 ways to quickly adapt in an unfamiliar company

Be open and positive (as far as possible). Do not load new acquaintances with your problems and difficulties from the first meeting. Try to be yourself, while behaving adequately and simply. The surest way to control the situation is to put yourself in the place of the interlocutors and ask yourself the question: would I want to continue communicating with her?
To relax. You don't have to be liked by everyone. And generally like someone in this company. So relax and enjoy, you don't owe anything to anyone.
Give me a couple of compliments. Do you like the music, the place, the atmosphere? Say it out loud to show your attitude and start a pleasant conversation.
Don't be silent. How to behave in an unfamiliar company? First of all, to participate in communication, because that's what you came here for? In a positively minded company, newcomers are always welcome. And if the atmosphere seems unfriendly to you, it’s better to politely say goodbye and leave than endure the whole evening sitting silently in the corner.
Be attentive. To join in the dialogue, you can watch a little. This will also be useful for your next meetings - you will quickly figure out what roles people play in this group, what they are interested in and what kind of sense of humor they have.

What to talk about in the company of strangers

There are several almost win-win topics that will help you get involved in communication, as well as get to know those around you better:

Trips. What to talk about in an unfamiliar company, if not about travel? Discuss plans for the upcoming season, ask where this couple managed to get such a great tan, find out what type of holiday the rest prefer. Maybe you will find the perfect travel companion for your next trip!
Cinema. Movie premieres are a neutral and exciting topic that will allow you to find out the tastes of new acquaintances and plan your leisure time.
Sport. In almost every company there is a fan of running, cycling or football.
Hobby. In this regard, it is not always possible to find common ground, but if you find yourself in an unfamiliar company at a thematic master class, feel free to join the discussion of your common hobby.
Interesting news. Not politics and the life of stars, but lifestyle news. Did you read something fascinating about new inventions, space exploration or an unusual way of life? Share information, most likely, the topic will be of interest to many.
The weather, finally. Why not? This is true for everyone! And there is always something to discuss.

Being invited to the company of people for recreation, you can not always expect that all the people will be familiar to you. How to communicate with strangers?

If you are sociable by nature, then there is no need to tell how to behave with strangers, but there is a category of people who have difficulty being surrounded by little known or unfamiliar people. And to spend the evening in the company, but alone - not the best entertainment.

In order to fix communication with strangers, it’s best not to wait until they notice and get to know you, but to take the initiative yourself. For such purposes, you can involve the owner of the house and ask him to introduce you either to the whole group of people, or to each individually. But if you can’t find the owner, or the company has gathered on neutral territory, then you can approach any person who, in your opinion, is most pleasant for communication and, after greeting and introducing yourself, start a conversation on the topic that interests you (or just ask the person what exactly led him to this company).

When starting a conversation with a person, try to alternate questions about the interlocutor and his interests with stories about yourself, otherwise the conversation can turn out to be like an interrogation.

To continue the conversation, you can ask about the profession of this person, his hobbies, his preferences in choosing a vacation, express your opinion on this matter and talk about your own hobbies, about your vacation.

It does not hurt to ask a new acquaintance about his opinion about the dishes offered at the party or decorating the room where the entertainment takes place.

Do not hesitate to approach and court a stranger: give him some thing, pass a dish of food, a drink, and the like.

Don't be stingy with compliments - they can win over a person without undue tension, but avoid compliments that are too frank - this can make an unpleasant impression. Pay attention to the interlocutor's clothing accessories, express admiration and ask where the person got such charm.

Don't forget your sense of humor. But this does not mean that you need to start dating with stories of anecdotes, since not every society considers anecdotes to be decent entertainment, and you may not know what category of people you will encounter in the company. It is better to tell something comical from your life and laugh heartily again with new acquaintances.

In the company of strangers you may need your horizons, so expand it at every opportunity, so that during a difficult acquaintance you have something to talk about with a person and demonstrate some knowledge on the topic of the ensuing conversation.

Smile. It is easy for you to do this, and it will become much easier for the interlocutor. He will understand that you have no animosity towards him, and you are ready to keep the conversation going.

Take the initiative. Start the conversation first, this will help set the interlocutor positively towards you.
The most favorable topic for conversation will be the interlocutor himself. After all, many people love to talk about themselves. Ask the person what he likes, what he does in his free time.

Avoid questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no". Structure the questions in such a way that they need to be answered in detail.
Listen carefully to the person, looking into his eyes. Then the interlocutor will answer you the same, and both of you will enjoy the conversation.

Talk about what's relevant at the moment. Discuss the weather, current news. Talk about mutual friends, if any.
If the conversation is not going well at all, talk about what you like yourself and ask the interlocutor's opinion about it.

Use a sense of humor. Tell some funny story or appreciate the joke of the interlocutor. These things always bring people together.

Be natural. Do not pretend to be someone you are not - this will alienate the interlocutor from you.

What to avoid when talking to a stranger

Try to wave your arms less: it interferes with the conversation with any person.

Don't interrupt the person. If you disagree, listen to it to the end anyway, and then express your opinion. And if the interlocutor interrupted you, then you should not reprimand him.

Do not interrogate the interlocutor. Of course, you can ask him a few questions about his personality, but you should not ask in detail. If a person wants, he will tell you everything.

Don't fix it. If you notice that the interlocutor has made any speech error, show your upbringing without correcting him.

If you started talking, for example, about your work, then you should not load your speech with any professional terms that are incomprehensible to the interlocutor.

Do not insert into the conversation a huge number of quotes in a foreign language that the interlocutor does not speak.

Following these simple tips, everyone can find a common language with absolutely anyone.