Understanding life lessons. Learn the Biggest Lesson! Give the child only what is needed

When he is not at home, the son literally goes crazy - tantrums, whims, does not listen to anyone. Taking my son away from my mother is not an option, so he constantly rushed between me and the family, was either there or with me. It was very hard for us, both suffered, tormented everyone around, even went to a psychologist, nothing helped. I was constantly in tears, hysterical that he leaves me and, in fact, returns to his ex-wife. I know that he was only there because of his son, but I felt that his life was there, not with me. The wife accepted everything in silence, was silent when she left, accepted with joy when she returned. when we just started meeting with him, she was on maternity leave, she didn’t take care of herself, she stayed at home, took care of the children and that’s all. When I appeared, she seemed to come to her senses. She began to take care of herself, lost a lot of weight, went to work, studied law (she told him so in order to pick up the car in the event of a divorce), and constantly told him that she loved him, forgive what she was waiting for. Gradually, such a situation developed that there was only one hassle with me, only tantrums, claims and accusations, but with it it was good and calm. He frankly admitted to me that it is possible that everything will work out for them. He says that he loves me, but he can no longer endure my tantrums, especially when there is something to compare with (it’s calm there). And I just can’t react differently, for these two years my nervous system has not only been exhausted, it has died. I have absolutely no patience for anything, constant breakdowns. He was also insanely exhausted and tired, so he can’t help me at all, smooth out the corners somewhere, keep silent, do something pleasant. Even when I go towards something, he does not help, but even more presses. But at the same time, he himself did not take steps towards her, saying that he needed time to decide what he wanted. I can't accept that I'm not the only one to choose between me and someone else. When the person you love does this. I was his happiness, the meaning of his life, but I ruined everything myself. she was wiser. I understand him perfectly. There is a well-established life for so many years, all the relatives behind the wife are a mountain, there are children, there is comfort and tranquility. And not everyone would dare to change it all for the remnants of once stormy love and mad feelings ... I have no doubt in his feelings, he did a lot for me, sacrificed a lot, and the fact that even in such a situation he did not leave me until the last, not going to her also meant a lot to me. But I left on my own. Can't watch us kill our love. All attempts to fix everything lead to nothing. It seems like a completely hopeless situation. And the oppressive feeling that I'm taking away the happiness of another woman also haunts. But at the same time, sacrificing yourself so that an outsider is happy is also not my thing. I'm confused. I do not know what to do. And if it’s not worth returning it, or it just simply doesn’t work out, then how to live on? He is my everything. I do not want and cannot be without him. But together it does not work ... help!

Before starting this process, you must first determine whether your apology is needed. After all, you don't have to apologize for every wrong. Your decision to say "I'm sorry" can demonstrate how important your relationship with this person is to you.

Step 1. Identify all your wrongdoings

A cold-blooded assessment of your mistakes is very important for one very important reason: empathy. You need to evaluate all your actions from all sides and from all angles in order to understand how much and why your actions offended a person close to you.

The only effective way to do this is to put yourself in that person’s shoes and ask some important questions:
How did my actions affect her (his) life?
Did my action affect the self-esteem of this person?
Has it affected me?
Is it irreparable or is there still a way to fix it?
It is at this point that you need to take the situation seriously. We have all been wrong before, so try to evaluate everything correctly, and feel the feelings of the other person.

Step 2: Offer an elaborate apology

Your apology is very important. For this to help, you need to weigh everything very well. Words should touch the right notes in the heart of the person you have offended.
Keep in mind that depending on the circumstances, your apology may be repeated by other people (friends, family members, co-workers). You never know who might hear your words. To that end, your apology must:
identify guilt (“I gave my word and let you down”);
determine how and why your misdeed harmed the person, and show that you realized your guilt;
express your desire not to lose important relationships (“Your friendship is very important to me”);
to consider yourself responsible for the current situation is not the time to deny your guilt.

Of course, the important words "I'm sorry" must be present in your speech. However, NEVER make promises that this will never happen again. This kind of trap is both an easy way to solve a problem and a strategic miscalculation.

Step 3: Suggest ways to fix things

Your suggestions must be relevant. If possible, try to show the person that you understand your guilt.

In short, this step is about minimizing the damage done and making every effort to correct the situation.

If you have done wrong to a girl, look for ways to strengthen your relationship and show her how much you are attached to her and how much you appreciate her needs.

If you did not justify someone's trust and said something that was not necessary, then you need to restore friendship with your actions that will prove to this person that you should be trusted.

Be careful not to make offers that even remotely resemble an attempt to buy trust. That is, sentences like “Let me take you to a restaurant tomorrow.”
Also, try not to ask questions like “How can I fix this?” or "What can I do to make amends?" This implies that you never realized your mistake.

Step 4. Don't repeat mistakes

Looking around and remembering your past mistakes is not a very pleasant experience. In the future, you will still have to apologize for something (this is inevitable), but preferably not for the same mistakes. Therefore, remember what led to errors and how you can avoid this in the future.

If you didn't keep your promise because you were too busy, you need to get more organized.

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09:50 14.12.2015

Any conflict at work can be neutralized with the help of certain speech techniques that will not only extinguish the negative, but also lead to fruitful cooperation. Psychologist Marina Prepotenskaya offers techniques for resolving conflict situations.

Life without conflicts, alas, is impossible: in the business sphere, in everyday life, in personal relationships. Conflict (translated from Latin - "collision") is almost inevitable between people and its cause is often mutually opposite, incompatible needs, goals, attitudes, values ...

Someone passionately gets involved in a communication war and tries with all his might to prove the case and win the conflict. Someone tries to bypass sharp corners and sincerely wonders why the conflict does not go out. And someone calmly neutralizes the problem without aggravating it and without wasting energy, strength, health.

We should take it for granted that conflicts have been, are and will be, but either they control us or we control them.

Otherwise, even an insignificant situational conflict can develop into a protracted war that poisons life every day ... Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression, since feelings and emotions are always a strong muscle clamp, and especially in the larynx.

As a result - a cry, an inadequate reaction, severe stress, emotional involvement in the conflict of an increasing number of people.

Learn to resolve conflicts with simple situational speech techniques. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, strategies are chosen differently, but you need to act only according to the situation. Remember the suggested methods.

Neutralize!

Awareness of the conflict:the first and most important stage of neutralization. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that it is precisely the conflict that is brewing, in no case do not connect emotions, leave the line of attack. If the situation allows, leave the premises for a while, even if you are in the boss's office. If etiquette allows, you can calmly add: “Sorry, I don’t talk in that tone” or “We’ll talk when you calm down, sorry.” Walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself with cold water - to neutralize the aggression inside you, switch to a number of abstract physical actions for at least a couple of minutes.

Pattern break: eIf a colleague or boss shows aggression towards you, use a simple touch-switch manipulation. "Accidentally" drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: "It's so stuffy in our room ..." So aggression does not reach the goal.
Agree and ... attack with questions! This is one of the ways to break the conflict pattern, when accusations are poured into your address from the lips of the authorities, and, alas, not without reason. Agree on all counts (here it is important not to overplay and control your emotions). And then… ask for help. Say: “It’s hard for me because…”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix”, “give advice”, etc. Ask clarifying open questions that require a detailed answer - they save the situation.
Complimentary works wonders. Is the person against you for one reason or another? Consult with him on work issues, appealing to his competence, professionalism (look for all his strengths). It is possible that the incident will be over very soon.
Sniper technique:pretend that you didn't hear and indifferently ask again. Use inin the event that one of your colleagues deliberately provokes you and frankly offends you with some phrases. As a rule, a person starts to get lost. Say: "You see, you can't even clearly formulate your claims, explain. When you find the words, then we'll talk face-to-face."
Time to drink tea! Really,many conflicts can indeed be brought to naught with the help of a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think has a dislike for you, the best thing to do is to talk frankly and ask a series of questions. For example: "What annoys you about me? Voice? Manner of speech? Clothes? Weight? Let'slet's figure it out. "So the conflict is translated into a constructive channel and, according to psychologists, this is the most civilized way of behavior. In that situation, if we feel that they have hostility towards us, it is useful to find a convenient moment and talk heart to heart. Most often, conflicts are completely exhaust themselves, and in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.

Beat the enemy with his own weapon.You can explode in response and win a visible victory. But the result will be the same: instead of neutralization - a chronic protracted war: it is hardly worth spending time and effort on this. They can be used to resolve the conflict.

Do not provoke and warn!

It is no secret that often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts. For example, you did not have time to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach the boss at the beginning of the day and say: "I understand that there may be a conflict, but such and such a situation happened to me." And explain the reasons.

Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a "war". Since the cause of each conflict is some kind of incident or annoying factor, try to figure out what is happening, and in any situations (whether it be relationships with management, "ordinary" employees or subordinates) adhere to the golden rule of conflictology "I-statement".

Instead of blaming, communicate your feelings. For example, say: "I feel uncomfortable" instead of: "You find fault with me, you disturb me, you gossip, etc."
If this is a showdown, say: "I'm worried, it's difficult for me", "I feel discomfort", "I want to understand the situation", "I want to know".
It is very important to adjust to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict. If this is the boss, say the phrases: "Yes, I understand you", "This is a common problem", "Yes, this upsets me too", "Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I think so too."

It is extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in the place of a person, to hear not so much what a person says, but to think why he says it that way.

In a boss-subordinate situation, a person can be brought to a rational level of communication by clarifying questions. This is what you need to do if you're being nagged too much.

Are you unfairly accused of being a bad worker? Confidently start attacking with questions: "If I am a bad worker, why are you telling me about this right now?", "Why am I a bad worker, explain to me."

They tell you that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you did not do, specify: "What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you: answer my question." Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict.

Complementing the image

Remember the main thing: in any conflict situation, you must radiate calmness. This will help you:

confident intonation; avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflictogenic. With those colleagues with whom you do not maintain friendly relations for one reason or another, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without false sincerity (and without a challenge);
the moderate rate of speech and the low timbre of the voice are most pleasing to the ear. In the event that you are talking with a person who does not have sympathy for you, make adjustments to his intonation and manner of speaking - this disposes and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
a look into the brow zone in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker”. This optical focus suppresses aggression;
a straight (but not tense) back always sets in a positive mood, gives confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem!

... It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list can be continued indefinitely. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, attitudes and ... internal problems.

In addition, there are words and topics that can ignite a chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age ... Try not to touch on "hot" topics on fertile conflict ground. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is desirable to boast less of an ideal husband ...

You can make a list of warnings yourself, carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear harsh phrases in relation to yourself, put your emotions aside, do not connect to the energy of the aggressor - simply ignore him.

Do you hear outright rudeness? Leave or neutralize, breaking the pattern.

Criticism on the case? Join, say words of support, if the situation allows, switch to complimentary.

Excessive quibbles? Go on the attack with clarifying open questions.

But most importantly, seek inner peace. And, of course, never let yourself be drawn into "friendship against someone." Demonstrate confidence, increase self-esteem, work on yourself - and you will be able to neutralize any negative directed at yourself. And, moreover, you will be able to get daily pleasure from your work!

Read at your leisure

Anatoly Nekrasov "Egregors"
Eric Byrne "Games People Play"
Victor Sheinov "Conflicts in our life and their resolution"
Valentina Sergeecheva "Verbal karate. Strategy and tactics of communication"
Lillian Glass "Verbal self-defense step by step"

Photo in text: Depositphotos.com

Welcome all! Today I want to tell how to build relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems, and based on their responses, I've tried to present in this article the most common couple relationship problems. I also built on my past mistakes of living with my wife. From these mistakes, I drew conclusions, which I am happy to share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility

We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to take responsibility in a relationship. And what kind of disasters does it lead to when partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what has developed through your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties, give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”

But to take responsibility means to come to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, so I can influence it!”

I understand how hard it can be to admit to a partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you do not, then you will turn away from the problem and it will hang, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

You subconsciously think that by admitting mistakes, you demonstrate weakness. But in fact, taking responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it's much easier to blame someone else than it is to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if you created these causes, is a sign of real courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe it goes much further than many of you are used to thinking. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife pissed you off with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in response, then it’s not only your spouse’s fault that she began to unfairly accuse you, but you too. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and brought to the scandal, although you could solve the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can make you angry, annoyed and lose your temper. Get out of yourself only yourself.

If your husband does not want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it, maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of treating him with understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. It means coming to terms with how much you and your partner can participate in solving the problem instead of turning away from it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, and do not completely blame it on your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize their own participation in the problem.

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“I’m tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You cannot live without your claims!”

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I should not have yelled at you and provoked a conflict. Perhaps your accusations are not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive way, and it seems to me that they are somewhat unfair. Let's deal with this. I don't need to shout, but you need to learn to speak your mind calmly."

I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. I'm trying to say how important it is to solve every problem in the family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not take an active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will collapse.

And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, each of you ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each of the partners is guided by this simple principle, it will become much easier to develop your relationship and find a way out of problem situations.

Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended

I know how much I want to hug after the ardor of a quarrel, give a rest to tense nerves and calmly forget about what caused the conflict, until the next similar one occurs. Avoid this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to the analysis of the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you personally and your spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary excitement of the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your ardor will pass. In order not to give up and not return to ignoring the problem. Discuss as specifically as possible each other's actions to resolve the conflict. When will you start these activities? What will these actions be? What approximate timeline for overcoming the problem do you see?

If one of you constantly loses your temper and shows excessive emotionality, start practicing practices that help balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If conflicts are due to bad habits of a spouse, then find a way to help a person get rid of these habits. But let the one who will fight addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and readiness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't focus only on what you know. If you do not know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a way does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because whoever seeks will always find! And only laziness creates all obstacles.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next fight.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and be able to forgive

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: "look how bad you did, so I won't talk to you". Or it could be a way of revenge: “For what you did, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget about what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that we have already solved the problem with our resentment. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we survived the “preventive” period of lack of communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relations have recovered by themselves and can continue further.

But this is a deceptive feeling, moreover, it can be not only for you, but also for your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already passed.

But it's always better to go back to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do it in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue than resentment. Well, revenge certainly will not make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended by the fact that they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not to say what, this is just right! Avoid these games! Generally avoid any methods of manipulating your partner's feelings one of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and sincerely repent. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself, and you have reconciled, do not be too lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before that you defended yourself passionately and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But only do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

It should not be done as a favor or presented as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on his face before your repentance. Be prepared that your apologies may be met with a cold and unenthusiastic response. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me, time will pass, and your remorse will fall like a hard coin into the piggy bank of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to the other, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, in fact, no one listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we first of all try to protect ourselves from criticism, to find contradictions in it, to find the most convincing refutation or to respond to it with reciprocal criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it really is, do not see the truth, obeying the ancient mental mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how thorough the criticism addressed to you is. Try to take your mind off your resentment and irritation. Don't let your offended Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The criticism-stung ego makes you think, "I feel I've been wronged, I have to respond." It prevents you from looking at the problem from the perspective of another person. But if we first of all try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take a time out, calm your emotions, let the wounded pride, which again and again brings you back to the insults of your “I”, be silenced. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will like a magnet draw your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly transfer your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn to change your egocentric perception of everything over time.

I cannot say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to the fact that you will see only your own guilt in what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and take criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself: how can criticism help you? Yes, to help. Listening to criticism means not taking it as a way to lower your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to get an idea of your shortcomings, weaknesses or to understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to the doctor for a check-up and he says to you: “You have poor posture, overweight and high cholesterol”. It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, but you yourself are not very slender!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor's words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our soul mate, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with being overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses, it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it does not correspond to reality, what is the use of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then all the more you should not respond with reciprocal accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, amplified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of relationships lies in being able to extract from it what is really true and use it in order to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes says to me: "You never listen to me" when I, once again burying myself in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.

Of course, my Self does not accept such a sharp wording: "Never!" (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you exaggerate everything, you just distract me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me”. But when you try to distract yourself from your I, a slightly different picture comes out.

Indeed, often when a spouse contacts me, I don’t react, even if I’m not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of relationships in order to understand how she perceives it). Did I notice such a reaction on her part ( does she do that)? When I talk to her, most of the time she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by this ( What if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions because of which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, often I listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is caused by feelings, but these feelings can be understood. Probably, I need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not to hover in my thoughts. I will just become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me get better?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positives

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our soulmate. They become a given for us, and we basically begin to notice the shortcomings. Especially clearly these shortcomings are seen in comparison with other pairs. After I lived for several years with my future wife, I began to think that we might not be suitable for each other, that we are different in many ways. I began to dwell on the differences and shortcomings, and at one time it seemed that they represented the only and most significant problem.

And only a few years later I realized how much we really have in common. And this commonality and similarity is manifested in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to discern, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances for that, in order to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.

People are different and everyone has their flaws. You will not be able to find an ideal or ideally similar person to you. It just has to be accepted.

Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are like him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his mind, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Better yet, tell your young man in words how grateful you are for his qualities and how much you love him for it! He will be very pleased, he will see that his merits are appreciated, and not ignored. Let's do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but do not overdo it, avoid flattery), so that he sees how dear he is to you, and that you can see in him what he probably values most of all in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .

Of course, it happens that your partner practically consists of only flaws. In this case, you do not need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Here already something needs to be changed in the relationship.

And remember, looking for positive aspects in another person does not mean accepting his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But it is not necessary only to make up the appearance of a person from them.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is a wonderful classic multi-part film by Ingmar Bergman "Scenes from a Married Life". The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, avoidance of "forbidden" topics can lead to the collapse of outwardly prosperous relationships.

Do not bring the relationship to what the heroes of this picture brought them to (divorce). Remember, there are no "forbidden" topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Let him know what you don't like about your relationship, listen to what he feels uncomfortable and displeased with. Discuss it and come to a compromise. No need to avoid "sensitive" issues, like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but reveal all your past secrets yourself. This also needs to be balanced, as well as everything else that concerns your relationship.

Rule 8 - Develop your relationship by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop by themselves, as soon as they start. Relationships require constant attention, the involvement of both partners.

Growth means not only strengthening the bond, for example, the decision to live together, marry, have children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require a lot more from people than loneliness, a separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that can be the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting a new job, does it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, for him there were no other people with their desires. There were his parents who took care of him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his "I", with all his desires, which he used to satisfy without making allowances for other people. He does not even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise, to listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that relationships are some kind of prison, calling on a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But it's not. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “wants” actually lead to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that commands us. Altruism is not rigid self-restraint, it is an attempt to get rid of anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, obsession with oneself for the sake of joint happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in the conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't build relationships around sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritan morality began to evaporate in the relations of people around the world, which tabooed the discussion of sex and belittled its role in the life of spouses, people began to strive from one extreme to another. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it is of considerable importance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be struck, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and wild as they would like it to be. This leads them to either break off existing relationships or look for relationships on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of a love affair, there are many manifestations of love besides it!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you can’t get hung up on it, believing that the lack of violent and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else in them is in order. Maybe it's not the lack of everyday pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires that you cannot fully satiate, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You can’t give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the more hungry, gluttonous and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how stormy sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. Building relationships around sex means making them limited, weak, dependent, and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. No need to look for similarities in everything and suffer because of the lack thereof. Today I was asked. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and the beliefs of your spouse?

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that's the way we are. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It cost me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take hostility the beliefs of my soul mate, not to argue on every occasion, not to criticize them. I realized how important it is for her what she believes in and began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

I cannot say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my and her views with her convictions. Despite the fact that in many places we agree, somewhere we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is, and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you should not try to convince him every time of what nonsense he is doing, if this does not bring much harm to the family. If he allows himself this in rare cases, then leave it as it is. Respect someone else's small and harmless weakness. And the top of your generosity and understanding will be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think that this is a waste of money. But it will be nice for your young man!

Personally, it took a lot of work for me to accept even the small expenses of my wife on esotericism, which, of course, I considered meaningless. But I think I managed to go through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, how she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whom your spouse accuses of devoting a couple of hours a week to computer games, take it easy. She does not need to prove in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.

I do not mean to say that one should not strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are for your soul mate. But if you can’t understand this in any way, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and let your loved one enjoy them. But here, too, you should not take this principle to the extreme and allow your partner some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting addicted to drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to report on every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. No need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that if you refuse your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant for you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, in this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Keep a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to impose yourself excessively on your partner. Leave him room for independence. You should not try to control his every step and strive to fill all the time with being near him. I understand that this advice is difficult to follow for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the intrusive desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet resistance and rejection of your partner. In order not to feel painful attachment to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. Indeed, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something that you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and enjoy when your partner is not around. Do not reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for one's own independence should not develop into promiscuity and ignoring relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you should not try to spend all the time in each other's arms, but also you should not neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your soul mate does not pay attention to you at all. How to find a balance?

Meetings should not be too rare if you are in a serious relationship, but at the same time, you do not need to see each other every day, unless, of course, both of you want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then there is nothing to worry about, he should have his own life. But if it develops into everyday activities after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond. In general, there can be no precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't "play chamomile"

“We are doing so well, he is wonderful and caring, but I think I have lost strong feelings for him.” From the fact of not having feelings, people often make a big problem.

Do not take the weakening of feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Do not get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and strong love pass, such is the nature of man. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: either they are there, or they are not there, then you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings as the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. It's like building only wind farms in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I'm not saying you should completely ignore your emotions. You just should not see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t have to constantly play camomile and try to evoke feelings in yourself. So, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts that will make it difficult to see any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then leave again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable as the wind!

And perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that there have always been feelings, just behind your desire for strong feelings, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you stop seeing calm tones for a while.

The same can be applied to your expectations from a partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are just as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men tend to be more reserved in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy

I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they do not succeed. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has flaws that he does not want to correct, and you can’t set him on the right path in any way. You are concerned about your relationship and you have a completely noble desire to fix it. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.

Changing, correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this firsthand. For a long time my wife could do absolutely nothing with my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and infantilism. Of course, I did not want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They are more than women subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything that is always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they do not understand something. They do not want to accept someone else's help and someone else's support, and if they use it, then without gratitude.

Of course, I am not generalizing and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the described qualities than women. Yes, I used to be like that too. And I must not have been helped by any assurances until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain something to a proud person, who is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right than to improve, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how do you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I'll still give you a few tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person some truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything on his own experience, to see everything for himself. Create the appearance that your partner has reached everything himself, and not at your behest. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, urge you to calmly try again and again. No need to tell him how bad he is, rather tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Carry on a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, suggest new methods. Let him at least try, and if something does not work, he will have the right to quit. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more you show trust in your partner, the harder it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, leading questions. As I wrote in an article about, this behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While of course you can't trust someone who constantly deceives you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful, do not let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has deceived your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They get used, each to their own, unspoken duties, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, a fresh initiative is always good! It brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps to feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. So make unexpected gifts and surprises, master the skill of family life alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making it easier for your wife to do this duty. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful that you can please and surprise your spouse with. Be creative and be creative.

Think about what your soul mate wants, what will make her work easier and make her or him happy. This is not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in the life of your partner, stop obsessing only about your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a deadlocked relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve relationships. I believe it's better to try a few times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think of anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed drastically, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me to write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I urge everyone to give their halves a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?

But here you need to strike a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of maintaining relationships, just like, lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. So all the advice here is ambiguous, they don't tell you "do this, don't do that", they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct the partner, but at the same time do not push with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow the relationship to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations, say a clear “no”. Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible ...

And I realize that although in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner consistently behaves in a way that you don't like despite your efforts to positively influence them. If he offends you, does not manage his anger well, dissolves his hands and does not want to be corrected. If you have done everything to improve the relationship, but your efforts have not led to anything. If you constantly suffer because of other people's grievances and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about how to end such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and have no children. Don't worry, you'll find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or babysit for someone all your life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self Development

The ability to maintain relationships is determined by the personal skills of both partners: caring, altruism, understanding the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not a market economy in which everyone can thrive only by taking care of themselves exclusively.

I returned to this question again, as this is the most important. And most of the problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put yourself in the place of another!

Relationships serve not to satisfy your pride, voluptuousness, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school of self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you get from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, the ability to listen - these are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationship at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in a permanent search, and they just can’t find a permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain long-term relationships turn into failure. Still others simply do not look for anyone, or they doubt themselves very much, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or poor choice of partners prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, devoid of a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or vice versa, extremely soft-bodied, unable to cope with their changing emotions, unable to listen and understand the needs of other people, selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

(I'm not at all going to say that all single people are like that. Not at all. Some of them really like loneliness and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any constant relationship. I have nothing against it, this is a personal choice of each I also want to clarify that if you understand that you have severe relationship problems, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality.It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens and, moreover, often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the very beginning. Each person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I see human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people who share the same bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife stronger, but you will also become better and happier yourself.

If there is a disaster at work and, worst of all, you are to blame, do not panic. This is a very unfortunate but not hopeless situation. Of course, you will have to answer, but at the same time it is quite possible to save both the workplace and good relations with the management.

What needs to be done as soon as possible

As soon as you realize that you have committed a serious, immediately inform your supervisor about this, no matter how scary you may be. If your boss finds out about this from someone else, your situation will become even worse.

After you report what happened, offer several options on how to correct the situation and prevent it from happening again in the future. Perhaps your manager also has thoughts on this matter.

If you do not have full information about how and why such a problem arose, simply admit what you personally did and promise to look into what happened as soon as possible and provide solutions.

Show that you understand the seriousness of the situation, do not deny your guilt and are ready to work to correct the consequences.

How to restore your reputation

Immediately start working on the solution that your manager has approved. Keep him updated on how your business is progressing.

Over the next months, you will have to work much harder than before. Avoid other major blunders and work with maximum efficiency. You may have to stay late after work to double-check everything. Your task now is to demonstrate that the mistake you made was an unfortunate accident, and not the result of your negligence or unprofessionalism.

What to do if you are still fired

If it so happened that you still lost your job, carefully analyze what really caused that fatal mistake and what should have been done differently. Perhaps you are missing some knowledge and now is the time to get it.

Of course, getting fired is always a difficult moment emotionally, so give yourself time to calm down. Think about it in upcoming interviews when you are asked about the reasons for leaving your previous job.

Remember that mistakes happen to absolutely everyone, even the most experienced and attentive.

The ability to admit your mistakes and the desire to correct their consequences says much more about you than any mistake.