Relationships are trusting. Psychology of relations between people

Initial consultation. Establishing contact and gaining trust Glasser Paul G.

How to establish trust?

We have already talked about the need to honestly warn the client about the boundaries of confidentiality and frankly discuss with him typological differences that could negatively affect the establishment of your relationship. However, there are other important components of a trusting relationship that need to be kept in mind.

Honesty. To be trusted, a specialist must be open and honest with the client. Although in our daily activities we often do not trust secretive and insincere people, sometimes we ourselves are constrained by our professional role and are afraid to show openness and sincerity. We can assure the aspiring psychotherapist that there is no contradiction in being a professional and still being human, and that clients respond to us as human beings first and professional second. How can a client trust a professional if he doubts his honesty? We believe who we believe is honest.

For a professional, being honest means telling the client the things they need to feel comfortable with you, such as answering questions about yourself, your background, and how you work. Many clients are interested in the personal lives of their therapists and stop being wary of you if they feel that you are not hiding behind your professional role. While you should be careful not to focus the conversation so much on yourself as to cause you discomfort, questions about your marital status, children, training, even your age should not be left unanswered, which should be short, to the point, and unemotional. Your client has the right to ask you such questions. Sometimes the client asks personal questions to check if will render whether the specialist gives him the trust he requires from the client. Calm and direct responses to questions will help reduce the client's anxiety in the process of establishing a new relationship (Doster and Nesbitt, 1979).

It is more difficult to deal with questions about attitudes and values. The client must understand that the therapist will not necessarily agree with everything he says or does, but he will still respect him, despite the differences. Most importantly, the specialist must understand that his pretense or lies about his true attitudes will only undermine his credibility. Clients have a sixth sense that tells if a specialist is being honest with them, and if this is not the case, then the client's trust will decrease or be completely lost. You need to be honest with him: your attitudes may differ, but these differences do not affect your respect and kind attitude towards him as a person.

To go with the flow. We have emphasized several times that the client should be given the opportunity to describe his situation as he sees it. To do this, you need to provide him with such an opportunity, for which your questions, even if their goal is to obtain the information requested by the institution, should be open, not allowing one-word answers. You should by all means encourage the client to describe his situation, even if the problem is already known to you from other sources. To establish trust, it is very important not to deny or challenge the client's version, which is only permissible after the trust relationship has already been established. The client must feel that his understanding and interpretation of his own life, his thoughts and feelings are important to the specialist. Changes will come later. During the initial consultation, the specialist must constantly remember that her goal is not to solve the problem, but to win the client's trust.

Catharsis, empathy and support. Most people who come to us, even involuntary clients, feel pain and sadness; at a minimum, they experience discomfort or anxiety. Most often, the client appears in your office or invites you to his home precisely because of his discomfort or anxiety, and he trusts that you can help him reduce it. He doesn't need prompting to start talking freely about what's bothering him. Most likely, he will talk about his problems very emotionally, and when he finishes, he will experience great relief. An open outpouring of feelings that has a relieving or restorative effect is called catharsis.

Usually catharsis occurs at the initial stage of the initial consultation. The task of the therapist is to listen carefully and compassionately, trying to understand as best as possible how the client is feeling and going through. Although it may be necessary to ask some questions from time to time, we must do this in a way that does not interrupt the flow of feelings and does not prevent the client from talking. The specialist encourages the client to continue his story, showing through facial expressions, posture and encouraging words that he is listening carefully. The therapist supports the client's willingness to talk about their problem and, where possible, welcomes the client's attempts to resolve it. The expertise of the professional lies in his ability to take a genuine interest in what the client is saying and feeling; he must demonstrate sincere concern for the client as a person. The resulting catharsis is one of the signs that the client has begun to trust the therapist (Bouhuys, Van den Hoofdakker, 1993).

After the client has expressed his emotions, and the therapist has confirmed his right to such feelings, catharsis sets in, and the client experiences relief. But we know from experience and practice that this feeling is usually transient. Without the next step, that is, without realizing the hidden source of anxiety and effective measures to eliminate it, the discomfort will inevitably arise again. Therefore, the consultant must be careful. If too many concerns are dispelled during the initial appointment, the client may feel that there is no particular need to come to the next session. If, on the contrary, the client does not experience no relief during the initial appointment, then he may consider that he will not receive any help here, and that he has no reason to trust this specialist; and in this case, he is also unlikely to come for a second appointment. The specialist must balance between these two extremes, increasing anxiety if it disappears, and alleviating it if it is too great. So, catharsis is needed to reduce anxiety, but not to the extent that the client thinks that he is already "healed". This is what it consists art therapy backed by knowledge, advice from senior colleagues and experience.

One more caveat needs to be made. Although most clients come to therapy because they are unsatisfied with some aspect of their lives and want to feel more comfortable, there are exceptions, especially among involuntary clients. For example, many psychopaths and sociopaths do not experience the anxiety that most of us do and therefore have little motivation to change. When dealing with such a client, the specialist must, first of all, raise his level of anxiety, make him want to change. One way to achieve this is to talk about the consequences of his behavior, for example, that he can go to jail. In other words, when you're dealing with a client who doesn't have the usual reactions and feelings, sometimes you have to forget the rules and look for any way to motivate him so you can give him the help he needs. Without motivation for change, real change cannot be achieved. Establishing a trusting relationship with such a client can take much longer than the initial appointment.

What to do if the client says too much lot? Sometimes there are clients who, already during the initial consultation, willingly talk about the most intimate aspects of their lives, including such things as sexual perversions, family secrets, or even about the crimes they have committed. This behavior does not mean that the client trusts you or that he is unusually open and honest. This may mean that the client is trying to manipulate you and is only playing "open".

The reasons for this behavior are different, including a high level of anxiety, an attempt to shock you, the desire to hide true the source of the problem, etc. With such a client, the specialist must be on the alert. When a client pours out a torrent of frankness on you, sometimes it is explained by an understandable desire to "lighten the soul." But there is a danger that before the next session the client will remember what he told you, and he will be embarrassed or even angry with himself for having gone too far. As a result, he may not return. However, for some clients, this behavior may be a sign of psychosis.

If a client tells too much at the very beginning of your relationship, you can be embarrassed you. Don't ignore this inner signal. It must be borne in mind that the client may have a serious disorder. It may be worth moving the conversation to another, more neutral topic, or even ending the consultation.

Using client priorities. The client comes to us with what he thinks his problem or most pressing problem own life. We must take this into account, even if we are convinced that there are more important issues that need to be addressed first. If a client leaves the initial consultation feeling that you don't want to deal with the problem they came to you with, or that you don't consider it important or high priority, they have little reason to trust you and are unlikely to return.

There is one feature in the therapy of married couples and families, which is that all family members see the problem differently, for example, the father believes that the problem is that fifteen-year-old Johnny does not obey, he lacks self-discipline. According to her mother, Johnny's unruly behavior causes tension in her relationship with her husband; she is sure that the family is undergoing therapy precisely because of this. And Johnny generally believes that if there is a problem, then only one: his parents always get him. If the therapist says that the teenager should just be given freedom, they will have no choice but to go home.

The principle remains the same: the client must be able to state the problem, and the specialist must respect the client's point of view. In the process of family therapy, each member of the family can express their views on the problem and at the same time receive support from the therapist. The difficulty is that after that, the specialist must find a way to formulate a common point of view that will absorb everyone's interpretation and allow them to move forward in search of a productive solution. He can tell them:

“You all express concern about your behavior, Johnny. Perhaps differences in understanding of what is happening is preventing you from becoming happier with each other. Note that the specialist avoids applying the word "problem" to Johnny and does not exclude him from the conversation.

This reaction suggests that there is no right or wrong, that neither opinion is contested, not even Johnny; but all have a responsibility to work together to improve the difficult situation in the family. When working with multiple family members, there are special aspects of establishing trust that need to be considered (these will be discussed in more detail in the chapter on marital and family therapy).

Merging. Trust is strengthened when the therapist tries to identify himself with the client by imitating certain features of his behavior and speech. For example, if the client speaks slowly or quietly, the therapist should also slow down the pace of their speech or speak more quietly. If the client takes off the jacket and hangs it over the back of a chair because the room is warm, the therapist can do the same by remarking, "Yes, it's warm in here." Sometimes the client and the therapist move in concert, for example, when the client crosses his legs, the therapist does the same. Minuchin (1974; Minuchin and Fishman, 1981) calls it merger. As a result, the client sees that he and the therapist have something in common and consonant, and this smooths out the differences between them a little. The client begins to trust the psychotherapist more. It's best if it comes naturally, but the therapist can play along a little without looking fake. If the client has a feeling that the therapist is trying to use "tricks" to gain his trust, the client's disposition towards the specialist will definitely decrease or be completely lost.

Other ways to quickly relieve the client's pain. If the client leaves after the initial consultation with the feeling that he was helped in some way, he will certainly begin to trust the professional and return. We know that catharsis itself reduces anxiety and gives the client a sense of relief. There are other ways to improve the client's well-being at the first appointment, without diminishing the importance of the upcoming treatment process.

One way is to provide the client with important information. For example, some young couples who come for counseling feel that they are not fully sexually satisfied because husband and wife do not have simultaneous orgasms. A counselor can reassure them by explaining that this happens to only 5% of married couples and that the other 95% can have a fulfilling sex life. Sometimes less intimate or sensitive information helps. Knowing who qualifies for Social Security or Unemployment Assistance helps the client understand that they may receive benefits they didn't know they had. A quick lesson on budgeting or providing information about child development standards or existing services can bring immediate relief to the client. The client, having received valuable information, feels grateful for it, and trust begins to be established between him and the therapist.

Illumination. There is also the reaction “That's it!” This is the moment when the client comes to such a clear understanding of his situation, which he did not have before the consultation. It often occurs when the specialist seems to go with the flow, and then makes an important remark or asks the right question at the right time. The client may leave the therapist believing that there is something extraordinary or even magical about him and that this will help the client cope with his problems and improve his life. This means that trust has begun to be established.

Feeling of hope. It is very important that the therapist's words and behavior show the client that he and other professionals have already encountered problems like his and successfully coped with them. The client must believe: having asked for help, he did the right thing, he came to the right place and to the right person who will help him. If the therapist himself does not believe in himself and in his ability to help the client, he will not believe either. When the therapist is in doubt, he needs, first of all, to think about the situation and try to identify the causes of self-doubt. Perhaps this is a lack of training or experience in solving a particular problem, or a general lack of self-confidence as a consultant. Maybe this problem reminds him of his own difficulties. If you doubt yourself, ask a colleague for advice or advice. If you continue to worry after this, you may need to refer the client to another specialist. The client cannot and should not trust you if you yourself do not believe in your ability to help him.

Sometimes the client does not believe in himself. The unwilling client is most often not sure if he wants to change his behavior. Perhaps he wants to give up drugs or alcohol, but fears that he will not be able to endure his mental pain without them. Or the client loves his children and is afraid that he may lose control of himself and cause them irreparable harm. Such a client may have lost hope or may not believe in therapy. But he must also know that the fear of change can be overcome. The psychotherapist, understanding what is happening with the client, will try to instill faith and hope in him. Hope usually breeds trust, and trust breeds change.

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Today we will be interested in trust relationships. This is a very important moment in the life of every person, because the lack of trust is a sign of far from the best relationship. How to line them up correctly? What does that require? Can trusting relationships negatively affect a person? Read about all the features of the relationship between people.

What it is

The first step is to understand trust. After all, without this it will not be possible to fully understand what is at stake. And even more so to build relationships of this type.

Trusted contacts are people in which citizens can trust and trust each other. For example, you are not afraid to tell someone your secrets and secrets. This is a kind of faith in mutual integrity, sincerity, honesty.

This is the type of relationship that should be in families and couples. It allows you to maintain a friendly and favorable atmosphere. Unfortunately, the relationship between spouses and children is not always trusting.

Start of formation

Every person develops a character sooner or later. And the style of behavior with people too. The formation of trusting relationships usually occurs in childhood, from birth. In any case, from the side of children and parents. That is why the child should not be deceived.

If there is no trust in the family, then this is the model of behavior that the child will adopt. He will not learn to trust people. And, as a result, a trusting relationship for him will become something unimaginable.

How to build

What should parents pay attention to if they want to raise a child in an atmosphere of complete mutual understanding and trust? To the fact that it is necessary to show by example what a trusting relationship is. Although sometimes you can do without it.

To build trust, you must convince the person that you are a reliable partner to whom you can tell everything. Share your secrets with your child and do not tell anyone what you promised to keep secret.

If the child requires attention, be sure to take a break and take a moment for your baby. At the age of approximately 3-6 years, children really like to listen to stories from the series "But when you were little ...". Also, kids love to look at photos. Take advantage of this opportunity. If you want to support good things with your child (including trusting ones), try to devote as much time as possible to him. Let him know that he can always turn to you for help.

In a collective

But in the team relationships have always been built more difficult. It's hard to trust people. It is a fact. It has already been said that trusting relationships are easy to lose, but returning them is very problematic. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to their retention.

How to build relationships in a team so that they turn out to be trusting? Just be honest and don't let people down. If you can win over someone, and your reliability is proven (by time or deed), you can hope for a trusting relationship. Try not to deceive, do not let down the one who believes you. Otherwise, the relationship can not only lose the status of trust, but even completely collapse. So if someone believes you, don't neglect it!

Is it worth trusting everyone?

Many are interested in whether a trusting relationship is so harmless. It would seem that there is nothing suspicious in them. Faith is good. And when you always have a person to rely on, too.

Only if you believe everyone in a row will a breach of trust begin. Before you tell something important to a person, try to analyze his behavior and character. It is possible that in secret from you, a friend tells the secrets entrusted to him.

You need to trust people, but in moderation. Otherwise, as already mentioned, there will be a breach of trust in your address. You will be deceived, and you will believe. As the saying goes, "trust but verify". Usually this rule applies to any interlocutor: a child, spouse, relative, colleague, simple acquaintance, friend.

Who should not be trusted

It is worth knowing which people it is advisable not to trust. With them, keep in mind, you will not get a trusting relationship. After all, you are likely to be deceived. So, there is an abuse of your faith.

Do not try to build a relationship (trust) with a pathological liar. Such people always lie without even realizing it. Irresponsible people and those who do not keep their promises should not be trusted either. You can easily be set up. What kind of trust can we talk about? Avoid people who can't control their emotions.

Of course, true trusting relationships are excluded with those who once spoke negatively about you, did not wish good and "put spokes in the wheels." Most likely, a person just wants to ingratiate himself with others in order to deal a serious blow later.

Why there is distrust

Some complain: "I don't trust anyone." This is normal and common. It occurs in almost every second. It's hard to believe. Especially if in childhood you did not have an example of a trusting relationship. Where does distrust come from?

Firstly, this feeling comes from childhood. If you saw that parents do not trust each other or deceive, then distrust of people will arise.

Secondly, negative experience in this area. Saying "I don't trust people" can be someone who once believed, and then he was framed or deceived. The most common option.

Thirdly, because of the nature. Some people are too prudent, they are used to not trusting anyone at all. In this case, it is recommended to contact a psychologist for help.

Stages of formation

If you do not take into account family relationships, then trust is formed in several stages. The first occurs at the stage of acquaintance. Here people learn and analyze behavior, intonation, stories about life. Usually this is not true trust.

The second stage is more significant. It drags on for a long time. It's about building real trust between people. Help and support play a huge role here. They must be repeated over and over. That is, they must be directed to the future. Otherwise, trust relationships will not take place.

It is at the second stage of formation that problems often arise. After all, if a person deceives at least once, it will be difficult to believe him. Sometimes it's even impossible. This is how human psychology works in relationships. If you are serious, try not to let your comrades down.

Learning to believe

Sometimes negative past experiences put a block on trust. Therefore, many are interested in how to learn to trust. This will not be easy to do, but it is possible. Only work on yourself will help bring the idea to life.

To begin with, understand that negative experiences are also very useful. Now you know which people cannot be trusted. Just consider it.

Next, just do one exercise. It will help you figure out whether to trust a person. Write on a piece of paper why you should not trust a citizen. On the other hand, why should one believe. Evaluate the pros and cons of the interlocutor. If the reasons for distrust are insignificant, they should be ignored. Draw conclusions from here.

Also try to act on the principle of "trust, but verify." It's not as difficult as it seems. In the end, remember that it is enough to choose the right people with whom you will build trust. Usually such individuals do not lie, keep promises, help others and know how to control their emotions. Also here are interlocutors who sincerely wish you well.

Learning to trust is basically impossible. Making the brain believe someone is not so easy. Sooner or later, you can give vent to emotions and lose trust in a person again. So the only thing you can do is work on yourself. Learn to analyze people by behavior. Then you will be able to tell exactly who you can trust and who you cannot.

Do you know why 90% of communication problems occur? Because there is no trust in the relationship. The truth is that it is difficult for a modern woman to completely trust a man, his strength, courage. And the man feels it.

Support trust in relationshipsneeded constantly. Without it, it is difficult to build a truly close relationship.

Lack or decline in the level of trust is one of the main problems that couples encounter at the very beginning of their common path or in the process of building relationships.

The loss of trust in a relationship between a man and a woman without the partners trying to restore it usually leads to the same result - to parting. But this result is not a sentence.

In this case, mutual desire becomes a critically important element.learn to trustto your partner. If it is simpler, then 100% rely on your man.

What "trust" in a person?

First, let's figure out what is trust for relationships.

The ability to share your feelings and emotions with a partner, being sure that he will not judge you for them and will respect them.
Be sure of confidentiality - that everything said will remain between you.
Know that he will always support you when you need it.
Full confidence that he will not be able to hurt you purposefully.
The absence of lies in your relationship.
Be confident in the sincerity and depth of your mutual feelings. As a result - .

Reasons why it's difficultlearn to trust

Now let's look at what might be the root cause of mistrust:

1) The presence in the past of emotional pain associated with trust, an experience that makes you afraid of its repetition in the future.

2) Experience the hostile parting process.

3) Childhood spent in an emotionally unstable environment (problems in parental relationships).

4) Serious deception (possibly betrayal) of a loved one in one of the past or present relationships.

5) Low self-esteem, because of which you can not believe that you are worthy of love and care from the other person.

What stops womenlearn to trust men

First of all, the deep beliefs of women associated with past experiences, experiences, stories of girlfriends and acquaintances. For example:

I have suffered before and I am sure that this will happen again and again.
Men are always pursuing some kind of benefit in a relationship with me. Therefore, you need to behave with them the same way.
Nobody can be trusted.
The ones you love always hurt.
"All men are goats" and not trustworthy.
Everyone wants to offend me.
As soon as I open up to him, he will laugh at me and leave me.
There is no such thing as a proper, healthy, happy relationship.
It is better to live alone all your life than to risk your mental health because of men.
You can’t show your weaknesses to anyone, because they will certainly be used against me.

Are you familiar with such statements? If yes, read on.

Level up

trust in relationships

Now let's answer honestly to yourself: how often does at least one of these extremely pessimistic thoughts visit your head?

Try to rate your current partner's level of trust on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means you don't trust him at all and 10 means you trust him with all your heart.

Write this number down so you can check back from time to time to see if you've made any improvements.

If you cannot learn to trust a man, not because he gives reasons for this by his behavior, but only because of your internal emotional problems, the man will feel it.

Understand that your partner does not deserve to relationship without trust because of your past bad experiences.Therefore, below I will list the possible ways, following which youlearn to trust men.

If a trust in relationshipsviolated due to your partner's actions, the plan will be completely different. We will talk about it a little further.

What needs to be done to build trust

Believe that when you open up to your man, this action will be the key to his heartand will give occasion also to open before you.
Take care of creating the right atmosphereto formtrust in relationships. In this atmosphere there is no place for accusations, hostility, antipathy, rudeness and sarcasm. It can only be forgiveness, kindness, understanding and healthy communication that help solve problems in a relationship. And most importantly - 100% knowledge (not a feeling, desire, namely, KNOWLEDGE!) that your man is the best.

Eliminate the feeling of competitionand start "playing on the same team".
Remove factors that bring feelings of jealousyinto a relationship. For example, set boundaries for communication with colleagues at work. Particularly with women, when it comes to your jealousy of him.
Start telling each other about all your personal problems and experiences. Look for ways to solve them together and provide mutual support.
Accept the fact that your man at any moment can tell the whole world everythingwhat does he know about you andlearn to trusthim despite this.
Assess your ability to match his confidence. How confident are you that you can be honest with him, keep his secrets and keep the promises you make? How faithful are you to him in thoughts, soul, body? Think about it.
Give up a life based on fear. This feeling often limits interaction with people, especially with a relationship partner. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of the unknown, fear of pain and fear of intimacy. All this blocks the developmenttrust in relationships.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you “put all your cards on the table”, show yourself the way you are, there is a chance that he will not accept this. But it’s better to immediately dot the “i” and experience possible heartache than to let him love someone you are not. Especially if you're going to.

All of these things will help build the foundation for building trust in a relationship. Yes, you may think that there is too much information here and it is quite difficult to digest. And indeed it is.

You will succeed!

I would like you to read this article several times. Since the questiontrust in relationshipsvery serious, and the amount of information provided is very voluminous.

Let's go through the main points again:

If there is no trust in a relationship, it cannot be complete. You need to make sure that you understand the word "trust" correctly. It is important to find out the reasons why it is difficult for you to learn to trust men.

All pessimistic thoughts about the inability of men to build trusting relationships must be discarded. Otherwise, you risk living a life of loneliness.

The 9 Points in the Middle of the Article Are Necessary Components of Building Trust in a Relationship . But they are not a panacea. These are just the basic postulates that you can and should supplement with your own observations.

Do not forget that you are not alone in a relationship. Pay attention to your partner's attempts to improve between you. Let him know what you see and appreciate it.

If you deliberately pretend that you do not notice his efforts, this can seriously offend him and roll backtrust in relationshipsto the previous lower level.

And finally: in the next article we will discuss why trust in relationships is fading due to the actions of a man and how to restore it. You will get a very honest answer to why men cheat. Thanks for your attention and time.

With love,
Yaroslav Samoilov

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What is trust? Why do we trust someone, but not someone, and nothing can be done about it?

Probably, the history of this issue goes back not even centuries, but millennia. Once, even for a primitive man, when it was as dangerous to leave the cave as to walk through the places of hostilities in a hot spot, it was extremely important to determine in a matter of moments who was in front of him: his own or someone else's. Absolutely everything was a danger, not only wild animals, but also people from a neighboring tribe. And not the thickness of the wallet, but life itself depended on the speed of reaction.

Who do we really trust? Who do we consider "ours"?

Let's try to look at this question "from the contrary", as mathematicians say. In human society today there are a lot of prejudices: racial, religious, national. These phenomena have the same roots - we treat with unconscious distrust those who are not like us. But even within the framework of generally accepted ideas, there is a wide field for the implementation of this principle: well-established people of the middle class are very doubtful, for example, of the oligarchs - because behind this, of course, is not envy, which educated and civilized people are quite capable of coping with, but the same distrust. The same “friend or foe” program written in the mind of an ancient person.

But is it really possible to do something about this, if the fate of the contract depends on the call of trust of the interlocutor?

Yes, you can. Moreover, it is necessary to act at a special level, because this is such a deep layer, laid down genetically, that no logical explanations will work. And this can be learned.

Once one of our teachers, Professor M. R. Ginzburg, told us the following story during a seminar. For a student wedding in those distant years, when he was still studying on his own, friends gave him and his wife a pood of salt, 16 kg - because, according to a Russian proverb, this is the amount you need to eat with someone together in order to get to know a person properly. This salt ended only after two years ... and the following phrase sunk into our hearts forever: “But when you meet with a Client, you have one, maximum two minutes for everything. If you do not win trust during this time, then you will never win it again.

To act so quickly, you need to know what and how to do. So, our goal is to gain the Client's trust in the first minute and maintain it throughout the entire contact. We suggest always doing the following.

If people trust those who are like themselves, if they consider only those who are similar to themselves as “their own”, then already at the stage of preparation for negotiations we take the first step: we choose clothes. Many people think that a manager should always wear a formal suit. Others, believing their company is creative (as if creativity depends on clothes), come to work in jeans. Both are extremes, because the employee's uniform should depend, first of all, on who you have to communicate with. If a manager comes to a meeting in the office, where everyone is dressed in black and white and even ties - even now for a funeral, and at the same time he is in an oversized sweater and frayed pants, he will never be taken seriously. On the other hand, when a “man in black” approaches us on the street with a bag in his hands and offers something, we shy away not only from his importunity, but also from his dissonance with others. These are extreme examples. But in the same way, the discrepancy will be obvious if in some particular place the manager is dressed in a suit from the market, and his clients in clothes from a boutique. The opposite is also evident: in a successful but modest company, it is possible that a Rolex on the sales representative's wrist may annoy the director, rather than help establish relationships. Is not it? Conclusion: the appearance of a manager must, first of all, correspond to the situation and the contacts to be made. This is the first and preliminary step in order to become "one's own".

The meeting took place. I would like to make one more digression on this occasion, and it is not necessary to believe us - it is enough to carefully look around. Here are two people walking down the street and discussing something animatedly. Do they agree with each other or not? It's very simple: if their poses are similar and even symmetrical, if they move synchronously, then most likely yes. If not, there is no doubt that they are arguing about something. Maybe this comes from the fact that when there was no man at all, but there was an animal - a monkey? - then it was not just an animal, but a flock of creatures. The flight of one led to an almost simultaneous and similar reaction of others. Passed curiosity, aggression, calmness, anything. We have not gone far from this - everything that was once preserved in us at the genetic level. What prevents us from using it: to behave in the same way as the Client? And this means: take a similar pose, perform similar movements and follow its rhythm.

In our time, a lot of literature has been written about postures. Everyone knows the "open" and "closed" positions of the hands and so on. What to do if the Client is clearly fenced off from us?

Sitting opposite with artificially open palms? Yes, in this way you can give a sign of your “purity of intentions”. And, unfortunately, immediately erect an even greater boundary between the manager and the client. And most importantly, any artificially occupied position, whether we want it or not, will still give out not only signs of "openness", but also not naturalness. When someone in front of us behaves in this way - forcedly - it not only does not inspire confidence, but, as a rule, it is followed by a backlash.

What to do in such a situation? Many authors offer to stretch some kind of document. OK, this will force the Client to change their posture - but will it change their attitude? We recommend another option - less fast and therefore more efficient. We accept what is - in a less explicit form, we occupy a similar position. And, as we carefully and imperceptibly achieve trust, we go out into an open position ourselves. As a rule, if done correctly, the client will follow us. If not, this does not mean that nothing has come of it - we simply have not yet achieved the required level of trust. We continue to work.

The task of the manager is as follows. From the first seconds, take a position similar to the position of the Client. Move and speak in a similar way and at the same pace. And even more: aerobatics at this stage will be breathing in the same rhythm. For this, signal beacons can serve: the movement of folds of clothing, micro movements of the nose, abdomen, chest, and so on - this is individual, and this needs to be learned. Controlling the interlocutor's breathing opens up another amazing opportunity for us. Experience shows that a phrase uttered on the exhalation of the interlocutor is subjected to much less critical processing. You can’t do the whole presentation on the exhale. And what about the final phrase, something most important?

There is also another side of the coin in the imperceptible mirroring of the interlocutor. When we repeat someone's movements and rhythm, getting used to the likeness of his image, we ... in one way or another follow him, his reactions. And this is really important - to receive feedback throughout the contact.

It is believed that almost ninety percent of the information we receive in the process of communication is “non-verbal” - through postures, intonations, and so on. We do not know how to recalculate and verify this - let it remain on the conscience of the researchers. At the same time, the professional use of “non-verbal” adjustment techniques to the interlocutor, when it becomes a habit, improves not only the relationship between the Client-manager, but also significantly affects relationships with anyone, even in the family - and this has been verified.

However, the fascination with "external" techniques should not, however, completely distract us from WHAT and HOW we say. And the next step will be to show the Client that the manager is the same as him, “his own”, not only externally, but also internally. This is even easier to do. It is enough to pay close attention to the key words and phrases of the interlocutor. If the conversation takes place over the phone, then who is stopping us from writing something down on paper?

The fundamental question is that by the same words we mean completely different things - based on our personal experience.

What is a profitable trade? Is a large company a turnover of XXXXXXX dollars or is it a staff of XXX employees? In the first minutes of the conversation, we still did not have time to clarify something. Collecting information about the Client is the next stage, when a trusting relationship has already been built. In the beginning, our strongest weapon is the use of the Client's own ideas, which we gain access to by speaking to him in his language.

In the process of developing a contact, we do everything to move on to the next stage of the relationship: in one way or another, learn about the values of the Client.

And join them, accept them. Is family important to him? Great. The business he created? Also great. Is there a collection in the office? The same is great. As we learn more about a person, we have more and more opportunities to "accidentally" be the same as him. Have you traveled a lot? I was also there and there. Are you a fisherman? But my friends also invited me last year... Do you have a family photo on your desk? I also have children. We could graduate from the same university, play the same sport, be of the same nationality, be born in a water city, play the same musical instrument, collect the same thing - US dollars of the last year of issue. Anything that unites us. And what's more, we may have (and will certainly have during negotiations) a very similar goal for which we are doing all this, and exactly the same principles that we both follow.

The relationship between the Client and the manager can only be built on the same level, on equality.

We did not have to see serious relationships of the type of master-buyer - Chaldean-seller. And the reverse relationship, when the Client had to act as a petitioner, died along with socialism. Therefore, in order to earn trust, and with it a profitable contract, the best way is to build relationships on an equal footing. And this is another level of "adjustment" to the Client - to show respect not only for him, but also for yourself, showing that we both have the right to a similar self-identity.

So, what do we get in total.

In order to be “our own” for a person, we, firstly, look, move and even breathe the same way as he does. Secondly, we speak the same words, adhere to the same values, have somewhat similar life experience and interests. Thirdly, we treat ourselves with the same respect as him, we are the same person as he is. But this is not all, and this is not the limit.

We proceed from the fact that we are not going to "cheat" our Client - this is not a business. We want to do our job in such a way that both our company and the Client, so that both of these parties will benefit. And this opens up another opportunity for us to build relationships: we are the same as him, in our ultimate goal, in our mission! And if we have one mission, then we get both trust and an excellent opportunity for further interaction. When we in one form or another let the Client know that we have a common ultimate goal with him - what could be better and more significant in order to conclude an agreement in the future?

This article describes many, but not all, components of joining and adjusting to the interlocutor. But already it may seem too complicated to keep track of all this at the same time.

There is one simple technique for embracing the immensity. When these techniques are individually learned and worked out, you can try to do the following.

In the process of communicating with the Client, somehow create for yourself some kind of your own image of such a relationship. Moreover, not necessarily only visually - for example, that we represent one single frame from a film or are covered by one common purple glow, as one of the participants in our training imagined. Perhaps it will be more suitable for someone that he sings with the Client in the same choir or plays at a concert in the same rock band - this was the inner metaphor of a person who tried himself in music in his youth. Or an idea of something that physically unites into one interconnected and unified system. In many cases, such an image will be enough for our brain, even when we don’t notice it, to do all this work for us - to embrace this immense without any efforts on our part. He is capable of it!

Trust is gained from the first seconds of communication. At first sight. But it is a mistake to think that if everything that was said is done at the very beginning, then in the future one can forget about it.

Yes, the first impression is the most important. But in order to go through all the stages of the sale, collect the necessary information in the future, conduct a masterful presentation, work out objections, if any, and offer to conclude a deal at the end, the state of trust must be constantly maintained. That is, further, in the process of negotiations, to maintain tighter adjustment to the posture, movement, breathing, voice. Share the same beliefs, be interested in the same things, and so on.

How can all this be learned? You can get specialized training. But the most important thing is to start paying attention to these details. And train, train, train... And never cease to be surprised when relationships at work, and not only with Clients, but also with managers and subordinates, at home, even with the smallest children, become better and better every day. - more and more trustworthy.

Leadership, Management, Company management

Every time we communicate with a Client in person or by phone, we sell not only a product or service, we sell ourselves... and don't be afraid of this expression, but in fact it is...

What is trust? Why do we trust someone, but not someone, and nothing can be done about it?

Who do we really trust? Who do we consider "ours"?