Experience of loss. Loss of a loved one

In the life of every person, sooner or later this day comes - the day of the death of a close, dear person. This loss is so strong that it leaves indelible scars on the soul. Our memory constantly returns to that day and brings even more suffering and pain. Tears flow both inward and outward, life loses all meaning, the desire to do anything disappears.

The greater the degree of closeness of the deceased and his influence on the life of the grieving, the more difficult it is to come to terms with the loss. There are cardinal changes in the usual way of life, and every thing will serve as a reminder. Dealing with your feelings alone can sometimes be difficult. Help in this case can be provided by relatives or a qualified psychologist, psychotherapist.

What determines the severity of feelings

Everyone reacts differently to the loss of loved ones. The nature of the relationship with the deceased plays an important role in this. Normal living of grief happens in those people who were on good terms with the deceased. The reaction to stress can be acute and painful, but after some time a person comes to terms with the loss and begins to fully live on. But if the relationship was bad, accompanied by quarrels, resentment, understatement and misunderstanding, then the experience is much stronger. It grows every day slowly but surely.

The mourner begins to twist their relationship more and more often in his thoughts, trying to understand where he was wrong and why they never managed to make peace. Over time, a strong sense of guilt can form, remorse for something that was never said and done.

The age hierarchy also affects the severity of experiences. The younger the deceased, the stronger will be the feeling of grief and grief. We have been preparing for the death of grandparents and parents since childhood. I mean, over the years we begin to understand more and more clearly that they will most likely leave before us. Such is life, and we more easily put up with it.

When death overtakes one of the spouses, the bitterness of loss is experienced more acutely. Firstly, they were close in body and soul, lived for many years side by side. Secondly, they could not guess who would die earlier, because the age difference is insignificant. The biggest grief was and still is the loss of children. In this case, the unspoken law of nature is violated, which says that those who were born earlier should leave first. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that a child who still has to live and live has died.

An equally important role in the experience of loss is played by the nature of death, that is, it was sudden or expected. For a more calm, adequate acceptance of the loss, emotional preparedness is important. It is formed due to the realization that a person will soon be gone. This happens, for example, when a serious illness or extreme old age overtakes. Surely, each of us has in stock words that we are not able to pronounce at the moment. They are usually postponed until later. If you do not have time to pronounce them, then they will remain hanging on the soul with a heavy load of understatement. This is what happens when loved ones leave suddenly. The effect of surprise with fear and fright is also superimposed.

The severity of the experience may be affected by the cause of death. The more unpredictable it is, the more terrible and painful. A certain role in the experience is played by the previous experience of loss. From time to time a person learns to better cope with his grief, he is familiar with this feeling and knows how to behave better.

Normal and pathological forms of grief

Feeling grief, depression, melancholy, sadness is just as normal as feeling joy and happiness. The main thing is that depressing emotions should not be too long, otherwise they will begin to destroy the human psyche.

Normally, the experience of losing a loved one lasts for about one year, which can be figuratively divided into several periods. The first period is the news of death. Lasts from several minutes to several days. At this time, a person may be in a state of stupor, shock. The mind does not want to believe in the death of a loved one. The second period can be called the search phase. Duration up to 3 - 4 weeks.

A person tries to find the departed in his memories, as before he waits for his arrival, news, call, looks out for similar faces in the crowd. The third period is associated with the most suffering and lasts up to 7 weeks. At this time, a person comes to the realization that everything is irrevocable. And finally, the fourth period is mourning and a gradual return to normal life. Continues up to a year.

It is believed that during this time a person goes through the entire life cycle alone, without the deceased, learns to cope without him. After that, the deceased occupies a special place in the soul, and thoughts about him cease to be as bitter and sad as before.

But sometimes the process of mourning is disrupted and can only intensify over time. This can be indicated by experiences that have dragged on for many years, mental disorders, imbalance and incontinence in relation to others. A person can lose a lot of weight or, conversely, gain weight dramatically.

In severe cases, there may be a persistent craving for alcohol, thoughts of suicide. In this position, a person needs help, even if he thinks otherwise. Support from family and friends is essential.

A person requires increased attention during the period of experiencing loss. He needs to speak out, hear advice and words of support. Here, only sometimes the first period is delayed, a person is in a state of shock for a long time and cannot fully realize and believe in what happened. Therefore, he does not always go to frank conversations, closes himself, moves away from everyone. It should be approached very delicately, do not immediately try to get into his soul. The main thing is to be close to him more.

If there is a personal experience of loss, then you can tell the person about it, how you coped with it, what you felt. This will help him understand that he is not the only one experiencing such strong emotions. A psychologist can also cope with the problem, the specialist knows well from which side to approach a person, with what words to start a conversation. It will help you find the strength to return to a full life.

You need to be strong and remember that there will always be someone nearby for whom it is still worth living, with whom you want to rejoice, share impressions and feelings.

“Grief becomes real only when it touches you personally” (Erich Maria Remarque).

The topic of death is very difficult, but very important. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Especially if it happens to a close and dear person. Such a loss is always a deep shock, the shock of the experienced blow leaves scars in the soul for life. A person in a moment of grief feels a loss of emotional connection, feels a sense of unfulfilled duty and guilt. How to cope with experiences, emotions, feelings and learn to live on? How to deal with the death of a loved one? How and how to help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss?

The attitude of modern society to death

“You don’t have to cry all the time”, “Hold on”, “He’s better there”, “We’ll all be there” - all these consolations have to be listened to by a grieving person. Sometimes he is left alone. And this happens not because friends and colleagues are cruel and indifferent people, but many people are afraid of death and other people's grief. Many want to help, but do not know how and with what. They are afraid to show tactlessness, they cannot find the right words. And the secret lies not in healing and comforting words, but in the ability to listen and let you know that you are nearby.

Modern society eschews everything connected with death: avoids conversations, refuses mourning, tries not to show its grief. Children are afraid to answer their questions about death. In society, there is a belief that too long a manifestation of grief is a sign of mental illness or disorder. Tears are regarded as a nervous attack.

A person in his grief remains alone: the telephone does not ring in his house, people avoid him, he is isolated from society. Why is this happening? Because we don't know how to help, how to comfort, what to say. We fear not only death, but also the mourners. Of course, communication with them is not entirely psychologically comfortable, there are a lot of inconveniences. He may cry, he must be comforted, but how? What to talk about with him? Would you make it hurt even more? Many of us cannot find answers to these questions, step back and wait for time until the person himself copes with his loss and returns to normal. Only spiritually strong people remain close to the mourner at such a tragic moment.

The rituals of funerals and mourning in society are lost and are perceived as a relic of the past. We are "civilized, intelligent and cultured people." But it was these ancient traditions that helped to properly survive the pain of loss. For example, mourners who were invited to the coffin to repeat certain verbal formulas caused tears in those relatives who were in a daze or shock.

At present, it is considered wrong to cry at the grave. There was an idea that tears bring many disasters to the soul of the deceased, that they drown him in the next world. For this reason, it is customary to cry as little as possible and restrain yourself. The rejection of mourning and the modern attitude of people towards death have very dangerous consequences for the psyche.

Grief individually

Everyone experiences the pain of loss differently. Therefore, the division of grief into stages (periods), adopted in psychology, is conditional and coincides with the dates of commemoration of the dead in many world religions.

Many factors influence the stages that a person goes through: gender, age, state of health, emotionality, upbringing, emotional connection with the deceased.

But there are general rules that you need to know in order to assess the mental and emotional state of a person who is experiencing grief. It is necessary to have an idea how to survive the death of the closest person, how and how to help the one who had a misfortune. The following rules and patterns apply to children who are experiencing the pain of loss. But they need to be treated with even more attention and caution.

So, a loved one died, how to deal with grief? To answer this question, it is necessary to understand what is happening with the mourners at this time.

Hit

The first feeling experienced by a person who has unexpectedly lost a loved one is a lack of understanding of what and how it happened. A single thought is spinning in his head: "It can't be!" The first reaction he experiences is shock. In fact, this is a protective reaction of our body, such a “psychological anesthesia”.

Shock comes in two forms:

Numbness, inability to perform usual activities.
Excessive activity, agitation, screaming, fussiness.

Moreover, these states can alternate.

A person cannot believe what has happened, he sometimes begins to avoid the truth. In many cases, there is a rejection of what happened. Then the person:

Looking for the face of the deceased in a crowd of people.
Talks to him.
Hears the voice of the departed, feels his presence.
Plans some joint events with him.
Keeps inviolability of his things, clothes and everything connected with him.

If a person denies the fact of loss for a long time, then the mechanism of self-deception turns on. He does not accept the loss, because he is not ready to experience unbearable mental pain.

How to deal with the death of a loved one? Advice, methods in the initial period come down to one thing - to believe in what happened, to allow feelings to break out, to talk about them with those who are ready to listen, to cry. Usually the period lasts about 40 days. If it dragged on for months or even years, you should contact a psychologist or a priest.

Consider the cycles of grief.

7 stages of grief

How to cope with the death of loved ones? What are the stages of grief, how do they manifest themselves? Psychologists identify certain stages of grief that all people who have lost loved ones experience. They do not go one after another in strict sequence, each person has his own psychological periods. Understanding what is happening to the grieving person will help you deal with the grief.

The first reaction, shock and shock, has already been discussed, here are the subsequent stages of grief:

Denial of what is happening.“This couldn’t happen” - the main reason for such a reaction is fear. A person is afraid of what happened, what will happen next. Reason denies reality, a person convinces himself that nothing happened. Outwardly, he looks numb or fussy, actively organizing the funeral. But this does not mean at all that he is easily going through the loss, he just has not yet fully realized what happened. A person who is in a daze does not need to be shielded from the cares and hassles of a funeral. Paperwork, organizing funerals and commemorations, ordering funeral services make you communicate with people and help you get out of a state of shock. It happens that in a state of denial a person ceases to adequately perceive reality and the world. Such a reaction is short-lived, but it is necessary to bring him out of this state. To do this, you should talk to him, call him by name all the time, do not leave him alone, distract him from thoughts. But you should not console and reassure, as this will not help. This stage is short. It is, as it were, preparatory, a person mentally prepares himself for the fact that the loved one is no longer there. And as soon as he realizes what happened, he will move on to the next stage.
Rage, resentment, anger. These feelings take over a person completely. He is angry at the whole world around him, for him there are no good people, everything is wrong. He is internally convinced that everything that happens around him is injustice. The strength of these emotions depends on the person himself. As soon as the feeling of anger passes, it is immediately replaced by the next stage of grief.
Guilt. He often remembers the deceased, moments of communication with him and begins to realize that he paid little attention, spoke harshly or rudely, did not ask for forgiveness, did not say that he loved, and so on. The thought comes to mind: “Have I done everything to prevent this death?” Sometimes this feeling stays with a person for the rest of his life.
Depression. This stage is very difficult for people who are used to keeping all their feelings to themselves and not showing them to others. They exhaust them from the inside, a person loses hope that life will become normal. He refuses to be sympathized, he has a gloomy mood, he does not contact other people, he tries to suppress his feelings all the time, but this makes him even more unhappy. Depression after the loss of a loved one leaves an imprint on all areas of life.
Acceptance of what happened. Over time, a person comes to terms with what happened. He begins to come to his senses, life is more or less getting better. Every day his condition improves, and resentment and depression will weaken.
Revival stage. During this period, a person is uncommunicative, is silent for a lot and for a long time, often withdraws into himself. The period is quite long and can last up to several years.
Organization of life without a loved one. After going through all the stages in the life of a person who has experienced grief, many things change, and of course, he himself becomes different. Many are trying to change the old way of life, find new friends, change jobs, sometimes place of residence. A person, as it were, is building a new model of life.

Symptoms of “normal” grief

Lindemann Erich singled out the symptoms of "normal" grief, that is, the feeling that every person develops when losing a loved one. So the symptoms are:

physiological, that is, periodically recurring bouts of physical suffering: tightness in the chest, bouts of emptiness in the abdomen, weakness, dry mouth, spasms in the throat.
Behavioral- this is haste or slowness of the pace of speech, inconsistency, freezing, lack of interest in business, irritability, insomnia, everything falls out of hand.
cognitive symptoms- confusion of thoughts, distrust of oneself, difficulty with attention and concentration.
emotional- feelings of helplessness, loneliness, anxiety and guilt.

Time of sorrow

The shock and denial of the loss lasts about 48 hours.
During the first week, emotional exhaustion is observed (there were funerals, funerals, meetings, commemorations).
From 2 to 5 weeks, some people return to everyday activities: work, study, normal life. But those closest to you begin to feel the loss most acutely. They have a more acute anguish, grief, anger. This is a period of acute mourning, which can drag on for a long time.
Mourning lasts from three months to a year, this is a period of helplessness. Someone is overtaken by depression, someone needs extra care.
Anniversary is a very important event when the ritual completion of mourning is performed. That is, worship, a trip to the cemetery, commemoration. Relatives gather, and common grief eases the grief of loved ones. This happens if there is no jam. That is, if a person cannot come to terms with the loss, is not able to return to everyday life, he, as it were, hung in his grief, remained in his grief.

Tough life test

How can you get over the death of a loved one? How can I take it all out and not break? The loss of a loved one is one of the hardest and most serious trials in life. Every adult has experienced loss in one way or another. It is foolish to advise a person to pull himself together in this situation. At first, it is very difficult to accept the loss, but there is an opportunity not to aggravate your condition and try to cope with stress.

Unfortunately, there is no quick and universal way to survive the death of a loved one, but all measures must be taken to ensure that this grief does not result in a severe form of depression.

When you need specialist help

There are people who “freeze” in their difficult emotional state, cannot cope with grief on their own and do not know how to survive the death of a loved one. Psychology identifies signs that should alert others, force them to immediately contact a specialist. This should be done if the mourner has:

constant obsessive thoughts about the worthlessness and aimlessness of life;
purposeful avoidance of people;
persistent thoughts of suicide or death;
there is an inability to return to the usual way of life for a long time;
slow reactions, constant emotional breakdowns, inappropriate actions, uncontrollable laughter or crying;
sleep disturbances, severe weight loss or gain.

If there is at least some doubt or concern about a person who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, it is better to contact a psychologist. It will help the mourner to understand himself and his emotions.

You should not refuse the support of others and friends.
Take care of yourself and your physical condition.
Give free rein to your feelings and emotions.
Try to express your feelings and emotions through creativity.
Don't set time limits for grief.
Do not suppress emotions, cry out grief.
To be distracted by those who are dear and loved, that is, the living.

How to deal with the death of a loved one? Psychologists advise writing a letter to the deceased. It should say what they did not have time to do or report during their lifetime, confess to something. Basically, get it all down on paper. You can write about how missing a person, what you regret.

Those who believe in magic can turn to psychics for help and advice on how to survive the death of a loved one. They are also known to be good psychologists.

In difficult times, many people turn to the Lord for help. How to deal with the death of a loved one? Priests advise the believer and the mourner far from religion to come to the temple more often, pray for the deceased, commemorate him on certain days.

How to help someone cope with the pain of loss

It is very painful to see a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance who has just lost a relative. How to help a person survive the death of a loved one, what to tell him, how to behave, how to alleviate his suffering?

Trying to endure the pain, many people try to distract him from what happened and avoid talking about death. But it's not right.

What should you say or do to help you get over the death of a loved one? Effective ways:

Do not ignore conversations about the deceased. If less than 6 months have passed since death, then all the thoughts of a friend or relative revolve around the deceased. It is very important for him to speak out and cry. You can not force him to suppress his emotions and feelings. However, if more than a year has passed since the tragedy, and all conversations still come down to the deceased, then the topic of conversation should be changed.
To distract the grieving from his grief. Immediately after the tragedy, a person cannot be distracted by anything, he only needs moral support. But after a few weeks, it’s worth starting to give a person’s thoughts a different direction. It is worth inviting him to some places, enrolling in joint courses and so on.
Switch the person's attention. The best thing to do is to ask him for some help. Show him that his help is needed. Well accelerates the process of getting out of depression taking care of the animal.

How to accept the death of a loved one

How to get used to the loss and how to survive the death of a loved one? Orthodoxy and the Church give such advice:

it is necessary to believe in the Mercy of the Lord;
read prayers for the deceased;
put candles in the temple for the repose of the soul;
give alms and help the suffering;
if spiritual help is needed, you need to go to church and turn to a priest.

Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one

Death is a terrible event, it is impossible to get used to it. For example, police officers, pathologists, investigators, doctors who have to see a lot of deaths seem to learn over the years to perceive someone else's death without emotions, but they are all afraid of their own departure and, like all people, do not know how to endure the death of a very close person.

You can’t get used to death, but you can psychologically prepare yourself for the departure of a loved one:

The loss of parents is always a great tragedy. The psychological connection that is established between relatives makes their loss a very difficult test. How to survive the death of a loved one, mother? What do you do when she's gone? How to deal with grief? And what to do and how to survive the death of a loved one, dad? And how to survive grief if they die together?

No matter how old we are, coping with the loss of a parent is never easy. It seems to us that they left too soon, but it will always be the wrong time. You have to accept the loss, you have to learn to live with it. For quite a long time in our thoughts, we turn to the departed father or mother, ask them for advice, but we must learn to live without their support.

Radically changes life. In addition to bitterness, grief and loss, there is a feeling that life has collapsed into an abyss. How to survive the death of a loved one and return to life:

The fact of loss must be accepted. And the sooner this happens, the better. You need to understand that a person will never be with you, that neither tears nor mental anguish will return him. We must learn to live without a mother or father.
Memory is the greatest value of a person, our deceased parents continue to live in it. Remembering them, do not forget about yourself, about your plans, deeds, aspirations.
Gradually, it is worth getting rid of the painful memories of death. They make people depressed. Psychologists advise to cry, you can go to a psychologist or a priest. You can start keeping a diary, the main thing is not to keep everything in yourself.
If loneliness overcomes, you need to find someone who needs care and attention. You can have a pet. Their selfless love and vitality will help overcome grief.

There are no ready-made recipes for how to survive the death of a loved one, suitable for absolutely all people. Loss situations and emotional connections are different for everyone. And everyone experiences grief differently.

What is the easiest way to deal with the death of a loved one? It is necessary to find something that will ease the soul, do not be shy to show emotions and feelings. Psychologists believe that grief must be “sick”, and only then will relief come.

Remember with kind words and deeds

People often ask how to ease their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with it? Easing the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and unnecessary. There will come a time when you can manage your grief. To ease the pain a little, you can do something in memory of the deceased. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, you can bring this matter to the end. You can do charity work in memory of him, dedicate some creation in honor of him.

How to deal with the death of a loved one? There is no universal and simple advice, it is a multifaceted and individual process. But the most important:

It is necessary to give yourself time for the emotional wound to heal.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
It is necessary to monitor nutrition and observe the daily routine.
Do not rush to soothe yourself with alcohol or drugs.
Do not self-medicate. If you cannot do without sedatives, it is better to consult a doctor for a prescription and recommendations.
You need to talk about the deceased loved one with everyone who is ready to listen.

And most importantly, accepting the loss and learning to live with it does not mean forgetting or betraying. This is a healing, that is, a correct and natural process.

Conclusion

Each of us, even before birth, receives his place in the structure of his kind. But what kind of energy a person will leave for his relatives, it becomes clear only when his life ends. We should not be afraid to talk about a deceased person, tell more about him to children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It is very good if there are legends of the genus. If a person lived his life worthily, he remains forever in the hearts of the living, and the process of mourning will be directed to a good memory of him.

We are all not eternal and the grief associated with loss of a loved one, - few people manage to avoid a difficult experience. Sooner or later in the life of many people there come moments of parting with a loved one, parents and relatives. Each of us has our own way of dealing with grief. Someone endures the loss of a loved one extremely hard, he falls into a deep depression and finds himself on the verge of death, while the other perceives the loss as inevitable and understands that if a person has died, then the hour has come to say goodbye to him. Believers have the easiest attitude to death. In their opinion, God gives a person as much life as he is supposed to. And no one has the right to judge, get angry and lament over the death of another person. God gave, God took. We are not omnipotent and it is not in our power to change the amount of time that is allotted to a person on our planet.

Actually a person from birth it is difficult to part with everything that he considers his property. The little one cries loudly when his toy is taken from him. In adolescence, some skills are acquired to overcome selfish feelings, and the loss is not perceived as tragically as in childhood. And in adulthood, a person already knows how to part without pain, crying and tears. Therefore, people over 50 are more relaxed about the death of a loved one than children and young people. Of course, after the death of a loved one, all people suffer and feel despair. Experiences of grief are inevitable. But the trouble with some people is that they take death so close to their hearts that there is a danger to their mental health. We must not allow the process of experiencing grief to turn into depression with incessant tears and a complete loss of working capacity. It is very important in moments of despair to pull yourself together in time and prevent the development of a nervous breakdown and somatic diseases. To cope with grief without loss of health and gain the opportunity to continue a full life, you need to adequately go through 4 stages after the death of a loved one. Having passed through them, it is time to start living with a good thought about the deceased and we must try not to succumb to strong feelings anymore.

First stage- it's a shock. It can last up to 9 days after the death of a loved one. During this period, reactions in people are very different. Some people go into complete stupor. They cease to adequately perceive the surrounding reality, cannot think about anything, refuse to eat and drink, constantly cry and impulsively wish to die after the deceased. Others, on the other hand, are overly active. They help organize funerals, console everyone else, and willingly accept condolences from those around them. This is how people behave who do not immediately realize the pain of loss, but it will definitely come to them after the funeral. In the first stage after the death of a loved one, you do not need to try to hold back tears. Everyone needs to cry enough to give a discharge to emotions and it is easier to survive grief.

Second phase- denial. This stage lasts from 9 to 40 days after death. A person who has lost a loved one already perceives the loss, but he still cannot get used to the emptiness that has appeared and changes in his life. His subconscious denies him and does not want to accept the absence of a person dear to him in his life. Therefore, the deceased often comes to him in a dream, and sometimes it even seems that he hears the voice of the deceased or sees him in reality. If a person at this stage continues to cry day and night, then this is already a sign of prolonged depression. Tears during this period are useless and the only thing that can ease grief at this time is the understanding that you need to start living without a loved and dear person, despite the fact that the process of denying his death is still going on.

Third stage- acceptance of death. The duration of this stage is from 40 days to 6 months from the date of a loved one. Experiences are already fickle, they roll in waves during the mention of the deceased or when looking at things related to him. The fact of death at this stage is already recognized, but the pain and suffering still remain. Tears are replaced by resentment, anger and rage. Everything that happens during this period is perceived as a huge injustice. Some people at this stage begin to suffer remorse, several times a day going over in their memory conversations with the deceased and evaluating their actions in relation to him. We all make mistakes, no need to reproach yourself for what you said or did once. Try to communicate more with people around you, be interested in their life, help them and painlessly respond to everything that happens around you.

Fourth stage- pain relief. This stage lasts up to 1 year from the date of death of a loved one. At this stage, a person already begins to lead a normal life, communicates normally with others and makes new acquaintances. If a person does not experience prolonged depression, then during this period he should already remember only the good moments of life associated with a deceased relative. At this stage, it's time to learn how to manage emotions and start living a full life, but without a dear person.

Yes, step by step coping with the death of a loved one, a person becomes wiser and more mature. Therefore, the best answer to the question: “How to survive grief if a loved one died?” Is to courageously go through all the stages and in the end keep a bright memory for the rest of your life about a person dear to you. Learn to remember only the good, speak of it with gratitude and set it as an example to others.

Hello dear readers! Death is an integral part of our life. Of course, it is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Such events are always accompanied by strong feelings. Today I would like to consider the stages of grief after the death of a loved one and tell you what features are encountered at each stage before a person finally comes to terms with the loss.

Live through all stages

Losing family and friends is always hard. We cannot be prepared for such events, and indeed, each person experiences in his own way. It's individual and too personal. But according to the psychology of grief and grief, there are several stages that a person goes through when faced with a loss.

Some distinguish 4 stages, others divide into 5 or 7. In my opinion, it does not matter at all the number by which this period can be divided. A general understanding of the grieving process is important.

Let's look at these stages, understand what a person is going through at a certain moment, how you can help and support him at this moment, and what will await him next.

Negation

A close encounter with death plunges a person into shock. He does not believe in what happened, does not admit to himself, consciousness and subconsciousness deny this terrible reality, in which there is no longer a loved one.

At this point, a person may experience memory lapses. All days are mixed into a single whole and it is difficult to remember where they put a certain thing or when they last ate something. Sometimes the first stage is accompanied by disorganization, some things are constantly lost. And, of course, it happens that a person behaves in a way that is completely unusual for himself.

It is very important to go through the phase of denial and eventually accept the fact of loss. This period usually does not last very long. But right now it is better not to leave him alone, to support and be near. Of course, most often he will not hear words of regret, but the presence of a loved one nearby helps a lot.

Resentment, rage, anger

Here we are talking about a sense of justice. The person will hate everything. Everything goes wrong, all the people around do it wrong, no one can do everything right, and so on.

Sometimes rage can also pass to a loved one whom he has lost. "How dare you leave me." This period is very emotional and is often said to be the most painful. Emotions and feelings come out, the storm can cover with such force that there is not enough air in the lungs.

A person has inadequate reactions, he easily loses his temper or constantly cries. Again, each person experiences the stages of grief in their own way.

Guilt

At this stage, it seems that you paid so little attention to your loved one. Didn't say anything, didn't do anything. Very often people at this moment go far into the past, scroll through different events in their heads, remember the moments spent together with a person.

The last step is acceptance

Of course, it will be difficult to return to the old life. But over time, the strength of emotions passes, feelings subside. It is very important to really go further here. Learn to find a replacement for what the person who left our life used to give.
A person gradually returns to the usual rhythm, begins to laugh, rejoice and live on. Here we can also talk about adaptation and the creation of a new rhythm of life.

Sometimes it happens that a person falls into pathological grief. This happens for various reasons. Perhaps he could not attend the funeral or a loved one went missing and there is no exact information about him.

So, he adopts the habits and manners of a person who has passed away. Sometimes he has similar illnesses. The room or apartment of the deceased remains unchanged. This period can be very long and only a psychologist can help in this situation.

I want to bring to your attention two articles that will help you better understand what to do, how to help a loved one in a similar situation, or how to talk with a child on such a difficult topic: "" and "".

It is extremely important to go through all the stages, not get stuck in any of them, and in the end come to full acceptance and learn how to live on. It is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Even when we have to see a relative seriously ill, we still can never be ready for death.

It is especially difficult for parents who bury their children. After all, it is extremely unfair when the young leave before us.

The person is very strong and able to cope with any situation. And if you don’t have the strength to act on your own, you should always ask for help from relatives or go to a psychologist. The main thing is not to be silent and not to keep everything in yourself.

Have there been losses in your life? How did you live it? Who helped you and was there for you in difficult times? What helped you come to your senses and where did you find the strength to live on?

If you have any questions or need help, feel free to write to me and together we will decide what to do in your situation.
Goodbye!

Every day on Earth, for various reasons, a huge number of people die, leaving behind loved ones who sincerely mourn them. Experiencing a bereavement in the form of depression or even deep grief after the death of a loved one (for example, a mother or husband) is an absolutely normal reaction to such a loss. And especially acutely people experience the death of a child (son or daughter).

However, in some people, natural manifestations of grief such as guilt, insomnia, numbness, and sobbing can lead to more serious symptoms, including mourning (deep grief) and depressive mental illness (major depression).

Symptoms of natural grief

Grief differs from natural mourning in its duration and intensity. People who experience normal grief can often explain why they are sad. They continue to function normally in society, and are usually able to overcome their intense sadness within a relatively short period of time (usually within a month or two).

Usually, after the death of a very close person (husband, mother, son or daughter, brother or sister), such intense experiences as grief or depression can intensify for several days, weeks or even months. And sometimes such depression can develop even after the death of a beloved animal.

Almost every person, faced with the death of a loved one (especially a child, mother, beloved husband), will experience such natural symptoms:

feelings of guilt for what they did (or did not do) before the death of a loved one. So, a mother can reproach herself for not saving her son;
obsessive thoughts, like this: “I wish I had died instead of my husband!” So, parents may regret that death did not take them instead of the child;
imaginary feeling that they see or hear the deceased;
sleep problems;
changing eating and exercise habits;
desire to be socially isolated.

Stages of Loss and Grief

To understand how real clinical depression can develop from ordinary grief, you need to know what stages people go through after the death of a loved one (husband, mother, child, etc.).
In 1969, the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross presented 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one in her book On Death and Dying. These stages of grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life.

In the case of a loss, a person spends a different amount of time at each stage. In addition, each stage may differ in its intensity. These five stages can occur in any order. We often move between these stages until we come to terms with death. All people grieve differently. Some people are outwardly very emotional, while others will experience grief in themselves, perhaps even without tears. But, one way or another, all people go through five stages of grief:

The first stage is denial and isolation;

The second stage is anger;

The third stage is bargaining;

The fourth stage is depression;

The fifth stage is acceptance.

While all of the emotions people experience at any of these stages are natural, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages - and that's okay too. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to go through all of these stages in order to move on with your life. In fact, some people are able to grieve without going through any of these stages. So don't worry about how you "should" feel or where you should be right now.

When does Grief become Depression?

All of the above symptoms and stages of grief are completely normal. They help people adapt to loss and accept new living conditions after the death of a loved one.

The difference between grief and clinical depression is not always easy to spot because they share many common symptoms, but there is a difference.

Remember, grief comes in waves. It includes a wide range of emotions and a combination of bad and good days. Even when you are grieving very much, you can still have moments of joy or happiness. And with depression, the feeling of emptiness and despair is constant.

If a grieving person is experiencing severe symptoms of depression, then it is time to seek help. This should be done if the grieving person has:

lack of concentration and complete inability to concentrate;
unusually thrilling feelings of worthlessness or guilt;
anxiety or depression that does not go away, but only gets worse over time;
sleep problems that last more than six weeks;
obsessive memories during the day and nightmares at night, which constantly keep a person in suspense;
sudden weight gain or loss;
unexplained physical symptoms, such as unexplained pain in a particular part of the body, palpitations, profuse sweating, digestive problems or difficulty breathing;
thoughts that the deceased continues to be nearby, visual or auditory hallucinations;
strange or antisocial behavior;
thoughts of suicide, which can only be stopped by very serious arguments (for example, the mother has another child);
rupture of all social contacts.

All of these symptoms may indicate the onset of clinical depression due to the death of a loved one. If any of these symptoms last more than two months after the death of a loved one, it is a signal that the person needs professional help.

Symptoms of depression or post-traumatic shock will be most pronounced if a person witnesses the sudden death of loved ones, or was close at the time of the death of a loved one, such as a child.

Depression as a complication of grief

Negative feelings such as hopelessness and helplessness are part of the normal mourning process, but they can also be symptoms of depression or other mental disorders. But sometimes the grief that is normal in this situation turns into a mental disorder. Depression is just one of a range of mental disorders that can be associated with the death of a loved one. Other disorders include generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.

No wonder one of the proposed future changes in the classification of mental illness proposed by American psychiatrists is the introduction of a new category of mental illness - aggravated grief. Aggravated grief, also sometimes referred to as traumatic or prolonged grief, has been proposed as a complex mental disorder. It will be diagnosed if the general symptoms of severe grief, such as longing after the death of a loved one (husband, child or other relatives), difficulty moving on, depression or anger after such a loss, last more than six months.

The diagnosis of complicated grief disorder is expected to be based on two criteria:

First criterion. A grieving person yearns for the deceased daily and very intensely.

Second criterion. The person must have, and be prevented from functioning, at least five of the following:

the impossibility of accepting this death;
feeling overwhelmed or shocked after the death of a loved one;
anger or bitterness experienced after the death of relatives (for example, anger at a husband that he left his wife);
numbness or stupor (especially often this happens after the loss of a child);
difficulty in determining the purpose of life after loss;
extreme uncertainty of one's role in life;
avoiding everything that is a reminder of death;
inability to trust people, because such a person believes that a loved one betrayed him with his death;
the feeling that life has lost all meaning.

Preventing depression after loss

Once the grief becomes clinical depression, it can no longer be overcome by ordinary mourning, so in this case it is necessary to consult a psychotherapist.
Treatment for such depression usually includes antidepressants and interpersonal or cognitive behavioral therapy.

However, there are ways in which people themselves can prevent grief from turning into depression.

Live in reality, accept the reality of loss and realize that even in grief, it does not cease to be a part of everyday life. Communicate more often with family and friends.

Go the other way. Try to adjust to the new reality by doing things differently. For example, take up a new hobby, or cut out activities that are painful reminders of a loved one. Move forward - force yourself to move, communicate and participate in pleasant events.

Regular physical activity is essential: exercise for at least 30 minutes every day, learn to relieve stress through deep breathing or meditation, and get at least 7-9 hours of sleep per night.

Proper Diet: Make sure your diet is healthy. Stop destroying yourself - give up alcohol, sleeping pills and caffeine.

The death of someone you loved and cared for is always very painful. You can experience all kinds of negative emotions, including heartache and sadness. This is a perfectly normal reaction to such a significant loss. Know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with depression caused by the death of a loved one, but there are effective ways to deal with pain so you can move on with your life.