Decision making in conflict situations. Conflict management

Why are you interested in this topic? As a matter of fact, you don’t have to answer this question, thank you for the fact that, having received a question, you try to answer it right away. Pay attention to how you began to relate to your own answers. Whenever you get a question, pause. Only in those moments when you intuitively know the answer, say it right away. This is especially true for responsible and important decisions. Let's continue your training. Now you have to deal with one of the most fascinating topics - "Conflict situations". Stop stressing. Do you remember? "All life is a game." Only by treating any conflict situation as another game where everyone can win, or somewhat philosophically, as another lesson with excellent teachers, you can get out of such a situation with dignity. Any conflict situation in itself is uncomfortable. It doesn't really matter what role you play. Therefore, in order not to be involved in the epicenter, use an important rule: "Look at everything from the neighboring galaxy, and everything will be joking." It's not about indifference. It is rather about a bright head, about accepting what is happening, subtle analysis and the correct calculation of one's own forces and consequences. Conflict is always something contradictory. You know, during your training, at some points you were in conflict with yourself. Didn't pay attention? Remember when you felt uncomfortable because you had to do something that you didn’t want to, it was incomprehensible or, perhaps, caused inexplicable fear. You were in conflict with yourself. This is the so-called internal conflict (with oneself). There are also external conflicts. You already guessed this. At least two people are involved in the external conflict. Only, oddly enough, it all starts with one. The places of manifestation are varied:

2) work;

3) shops;

4) transport;

5) various institutions.

The list goes on. The most popular places for large and frequent conflicts are, of course, family and work, what you spend the most time on.

Conflict is contagious. Masses of active and passive participants are instantly involved in it. There are people who cannot live without conflicts. For them, such situations are a kind of incentive for further success and tangible results. There are cases when one of the parties does not even understand and does not realize that it is one of the participants in the conflict. It is important for you to learn to recognize conflict situations at the moment of their occurrence, to track further development and, if possible, accept the existing as an inevitability and resolve all consequences as quickly as possible. This is the structure of any conflict.

A topic or problem refers to a clash of opposing opinions. Most often, the parties involved in a conflict situation simply do not want to hear and accept a different (most likely different from their own) point of view. Most often, you see not a clash of sides, but a struggle between two positions on which the people who provide them stand. They don't want to see the situation for what it really is. The main task of everyone is to defend their rightness by any available and inaccessible means. Most often, if you have ever been an outside observer of any conflict, the following happens. Starting with a confrontation between two positions, the participants quickly become personal.

There are various strategies for problem solving:

1) aggression;

2) victim;

3) manipulator;

4) an opinion on how to solve the problem (as a position), upholding one's own rightness.

Everyone chooses their own strategy. If they are different, then a conflict arises and, as a consequence, the choice of a new strategy. The basis (or base) of each position is the own deep interest of each of the participants in the warring parties.

The deep interests of the parties necessarily have zones of intersection. These zones carry a positive decision.

Each adversary wants to get something positive as a result, but only through a certain struggle. The resolution of the conflict will occur only after the zone of intersection of deep interests described above is found. Always remember the main thing: it is impossible to get away from the conflict. Each problem is material and will not go anywhere. Of course, you can turn your back on her, only to your own surprise after a while you will find that she is as if nothing had happened in front of your nose. Only most likely in a somewhat overgrown form. You can step over it, as if through some obstacle, and your problem, loving, will push you in the back. Conflicts and problems require attention. The only effective way to part with the current uncomfortable situation is to sort everything out. Ready to learn conflict resolution techniques? You are sure? Attach the wings to your back. In this game, you have the role of an angel. Why? Because you can see better from above, because you will see the situation objectively, and because angels always act out of truth, acceptance and unconditional love for everything. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, exhale with noise. Spread your shoulders (sorry, wings), fly.

Our first destination is conflicts with ourselves. These "animals" can be encountered many times a day. And do not think about how much we contradict ourselves and thereby sometimes cause irreparable damage to our own affairs and health. Only when the body is depleted and you find yourself in a hospital bed, do you start to wonder, “what am I?”. It's time to figure it out. In a situation of internal conflict, your own body can provide you with the best support. It instantly sends you a signal as soon as you have entered into this or that contradiction with yourself. Be constantly attuned to your own feelings and what you feel, especially in those moments when you are overwhelmed by anxiety or any kind of experience. Follow a simple system.

1. Accept what is happening to you and around you at the moment.

2. Keep the focus not on the outside world, but on your inner state.

3. Ask yourself a question, pause, and give a monosyllabic and specific answer.

(You will find an approximate list of questions in the workshop.) Your task is to find the root cause of your own contradictions. Communicating with yourself in the process of searching for the truth, you will quickly calm down and get answers to all your questions. Including the most important answer to the question of what to do next. You will need some time to start, then you will do your research much faster. And gradually your level of self-knowledge and resolution of personal contradictions will grow to a professional one.

If you feel inexplicable anxiety, know that this is it, a contradiction. Or conflict. Start looking for the cause right now. You can look for it among real events and situations. And most likely, your subconscious mind just lets you know that "not everything is in order in the Oblonskys' house." Go straight to the Practice Questionnaire. Do not leave your own inner discomfort for a long time. You will not be able to make a single intelligible and clear decision, being in a state of confusion. If you really made a decision, the most important thing for you is to change something in your own life for the better, especially in matters relating to any choice, then in the event of any conflict situation, it does not matter if it is an internal conflict or an external one. Always act promptly as soon as the answer is received. Stop destroying the way to achieve your goals and your own health. Take responsibility for your own safety. Your senses, in partnership with your body, are always in full readiness to protect you, to warn you and to secure you. Become your own attentive listener and devoted friend.

If you haven't dived into Chapter 5 yet, then do so. Take a look at the questionnaire and talk to yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised. It turns out that there is always something to ask yourself. And, oddly enough, there is not always something to answer. Practice hearing your own answers. Ask a question and if the answer is not immediately there, just be ready to accept it at any time. It simply means that at the moment, you are not yet ready to realize and accept what may come. In such cases, be careful. The answer may come quite unexpectedly. You can get it in the outside world too. Look around. Your eye (or ear) may point to the simplest solution. In the world around you, there are a lot of signs that are guides or warn you against careless decisions. Pay attention to what is happening around you, especially when you are in any confrontation. If your gaze snatched out of the crowd some situation, an inscription, any visual object and you fixed it, ask yourself the question “why?”. Everything I say to you can be incomprehensible, or do you want to resist right now? Fabulous. Your brains are boiling, and you don't understand what it's about? Amazing. What signs am I talking about? A simple example. Please remember a similar situation. You had some arrangement for an important meeting. You responsibly prepare for it. You are about to go out and you stumble on the threshold. (First sign of resistance). You go out and beyond the threshold you remember that you forgot some document. (Second sign). You come back, and a phone call is heard from someone, you answer chaotically, get annoyed, hang up. (Third sign). And yet you continue to move towards the intended goal. You run out into the street, throw your body into the transport (if you are lucky, you will meet the fourth sign, no transport). Let's hope your car wasn't stolen, it just won't start. (Also tries to warn you). Traffic jams, any situations that block your path, are not really obstacles, but very important warning signs. Being in internal contradiction and rejection of what is happening, you simply perceive all this as another obstacle to your own success. The result of your resistance may be like this. There may be several. Choose and underline the one you have already met.

1. The other side did not come to the meeting, perhaps it was also delayed. (Your contract will not bring positive results or will not take place at all).

2. The meeting took place safely erupted by the conflict of the parties.

3. The contract was made with large concessions on your part, which led to certain losses and less profit. Naturally, yours.

4. And the most unpleasant and painful option. You have received physical damage. As soft - loss of money, things, damage to clothes or a car. How serious - damage to your health.

Is there anything familiar? Your subconscious and body warned you. If something delays you on the way, stop, think about why and why this is happening. Maybe your subconscious, by making you stuck in a traffic jam, just saves your life. If you own a car, thank the time that you just have to stand and wait for the car to start, when this granny drags her body in front of the hood in a completely unexpected place to cross.

Be grateful for situations like this. You continued driving and saw an accident before your eyes. Did she just happen? You just got suspended in a safe zone. What, you still want to race headlong? Be open, accepting and grateful for any opposition. Think of them as cautionary and warning signs.

When everything is safe for you and you follow the path of success, then everything works out for you: green light, unexpected gifts, funny companies, funny situations, money under your feet and much more. Pay attention to any inscriptions on your way. You will receive a lot of information about the questions you asked. You can even use this practice: ask a question and find the answer among the inscriptions on the posters. Just remember that you don't have to read everything. What you catch your eye on is meant for you. Just remember, please, if you are driving, it is still better to look at the road. Over time, you will pay attention to the fact that there is a huge amount of information around you that enables you to make optimal and successful decisions. You will stop making your choice in torment and doubt. If you do not see the answer to the proposal within yourself, then stop looking for it there. Get outside, take a break. Let go of your desire to get an answer as soon as possible. Allow yourself to be in a state of question. Just live, look at what is happening around you, do something nice for yourself or any person. What still doesn't help? Overcomes the usual "well, what should I do?". You know, this has its own advantage. So you are ready to move on. Ready to make decisions and be responsible for what is happening in your life. Now take a responsible approach to what is around. Consider every detail in detail. What do you see, what do you feel? What sensations appear? If you want to do something, get up and do it! And if you have no strength and you are up to the very top immersed in a conflict with yourself, then remember, even if the whole sky is covered with clouds or it is a dark night outside the window, THE SUN STILL SHINES! Think about it and ask yourself, “Why am I not willing to accept this?”

I wish you success in resolving internal conflicts and contradictions. You will succeed when you decide to allow yourself to have different points of view and allow yourself to be different. Only from the acceptance of your own "I" depends on how you accept the world around you and, therefore, how you react to it.

You need some pause before moving on to the issue of decision making in conflict situations occurring in the outside world. Therefore, so that all the information settles down in your head and does not mix into a mix, take your notebook, close the book and write down all the thoughts that are visiting you now. Questions, reflections, doubts, answers - whatever you see fit. And return to your training after you realize that you have poured out all your thoughts and are ready to fill yourself with new information. You can use this draining technique when your head is full of thoughts. Or alternatively just say it all out loud. By doing this, you give your mind to make room for new information. As in a computer, you dump the unnecessary into the trash, making room for the more important, so it is with this technique. See you.

So, you are in place and determined to figure out what and how to do while in a conflict situation. Fabulous. I will tell you one secret. Conflict between people is a new level of relationship between you. Imagine how many discoveries and lessons such situations bring you. And you still resist them? I hope that after this training you will love this side of contradiction. It is always important to remember that the position of the person with whom you are in conflict will never change. He did not build this high tower in order to surrender it later without a fight. Understand that you will not go anywhere further than this conflict. Only by resolving this situation will you be able to solve the problem that has arisen. In order to resolve the contradictions of two or more parties, the first thing that is important to do is to arrange a meeting of these parties. There are situations when the conflict is so serious or continues for such a long time that the parties themselves do not want to organize a meeting. What to do? (Oh, this Russian classic!). Exit one. (Although they say that even if you were eaten, there are two ways out). Look for a mediator, that person who is neutral towards both sides and not interested in the conflict continuing. If the mediator brings the conflicting parties to a meeting, to the negotiating table, consider that half of the problem is solved. If the parties go to a meeting, then this indicates that the opponents are ready to communicate on a topic of interest to them. Each of the parties that agreed to the meeting takes responsibility for resolving the conflict. The mediator needs to choose a neutral and preferably a fairly crowded place. When addressing the conflicting parties, one should remind them that they are going to a meeting in order to discuss the positions they insist on and find a solution. This is the step by step diagram.

First step. Meeting.

Second step. The mediator states the position of each side without accusations and attacks, only facts. Outlining a position, you can make sketches, write, draw diagrams, you need to exclude the transition to personalities. In conclusion, state that this is the position of one side, but the position of the other side. And in a similar way to present information about it. The opposing parties to the conflict realize that the mediator does not accept any of the available parties. It is also important for the mediator to keep this in mind in order to be impartial in the process of presenting different positions.

Step three. In the process of communication, it is necessary to find out, to find out the deep interests of each of the parties. In the process of presenting positions on the surface, there are only positions and emotions, sometimes going wild in their passion. It is important and necessary to know what is the original component of the emerging position. The easiest way is to ask the question: “What do you want?” Find out true desire. Only then can negotiations begin. Only from the moment of clarification of deep interest does the resolution of the conflict situation begin.

For example, there is a conflict. A personal meeting is required.

Mister H ® Mister B. "Why don't you work with me?" (do not provide information, do not teach).

Mister B ® Mister H. “Why didn’t you come to me (didn’t contact)?”

Reasoning "B": I am the leader, I am the main one, I have an employee "H" (subordinate, new person). He needs, let him come and ask (offer, consult).

Reasoning "N": you brought me to this business, kindly help (support, educate, give all the necessary information).

Intermediary actions. Organization of the meeting. Only one that actually took place is considered organized.

Discussion of existing positions of the parties.

As an option: one party has a deep interest in asserting itself, gaining confidence and achieving financial independence.

The other side has its own deep interest. Of course, to assert yourself and, having achieved financial independence, gain confidence. As they say, feel the difference. You know, completely different people, in principle, want about the same thing.

Mister "B" offers support in the process of becoming or organizing a business.

Mr. "N" declares his readiness to wait a certain (negotiated amount) time or to resolve some issues on his own.

The result is a single decision.

The criterion for success in this case is that such a system will work. If you are a leader at any level, then your employees will begin to adopt your conflict resolution system. Colleagues will learn from your experience. You will see that conflicts began to be resolved much faster and are not internecine wars, but a new stage in relations. This will bring positive results, increase the efficiency of your organization and make it possible to achieve your goals in a shorter time. Any subordinate looks at the success of his own leader. "If my boss is successful, then so am I." If the conflicts in your system of work are not resolved, then they will safely begin to spread throughout your organization. Why do you need a battlefield littered with bodies instead of a thriving oasis? Make a choice and make a responsible decision for the success of your own business.

All the actions that you need to perform: carry out each step in building and developing your own business strictly according to the plan, if you, of course, have it by this moment. You and I talked about goal setting and plan development earlier in your training. Make a commitment to yourself for the fact that you are moving towards your goal along the intended path. For maximum efficiency, timely correct your own movement. The conflict situations that arise on your way provide an opportunity to make a huge leap forward, if, of course, you find the strength and desire to resolve such situations professionally. Always remember that if the conflicting parties have come to a decision, it is important that each of the parties sign the decision. This mandatory action puts, in most cases, an end to the conflict. If we are talking about personal conflicts, then here the signature under the contract can be replaced by a handshake, a joint dinner or any joint event that is pleasant for both parties.

Probably, the question “well, how to make decisions in conflict situations?” is still sitting in your wise head and scratching on the cerebral cortex. The answer is very simple. Always make decisions based on the fact that you need to find a profitable solution for both parties. The more profitable it becomes for the opposite side, the more benefits you will get as a result. When negotiating, forget that you are more important or that you are to blame for something. Stop imagining things that don't currently exist, or things that already happened some time ago. At the very beginning of your training, you and I talked about the fact that only the present exists. So be in it. What happens next depends on your decision at the moment, on how responsibly you approach the issue of negotiations. Be here and now!

Enjoy participating in the conflict process. Just please don't confuse it with gloating or the joy of vengeance. Play, learn, build new relationships, suggest solutions. Remember that you are in another game in which there are certain rules. And in order to win, you must first take care of security in the broadest sense of the word. Some conflicts bring death and destruction nationwide. So be careful. In addition, playing by the rules of conflict resolution (we talked about them in detail earlier), be prepared for any surprises. With each step on the path to agreement, you become more confident, more experienced and more professional. The main thing is to be in the focus of what is happening. You don't have time to relax. Do everything to ensure that each side wins. Only then can you confidently say that you are successful. Think and offer a benefit to each negotiator, assuming, of course, that you also remain in a winning position. This is how great things are done. If the opposite parties see and feel what you think and offer options for resolving the conflict, taking into account the benefits for everyone, then the result of your negotiations will be positive. The one who is determined to succeed always wins. Stop being afraid of conflict. Let me remind you once again that any contradiction is a demand for a new stage in relations. If you approached such situations as lessons, the next step in growth (personal or career), an interesting and risky game, then be sure that success is guaranteed to you. And you know, if you managed to resolve the conflict situation, then public opinion (even if you don’t listen to it) said magnificent words about this - “For one beaten they give two not beaten.” If you came out of a conflict situation with dignity, without losses, with gained experience, with a new level of relationships, then your rating naturally increased. With what I congratulate you!

There is one more important thing. If you are in conflict with yourself and at the same time you perfectly understand that another person had a hand in your torn state, then go to a meeting. The conflict is ripe, and it must be resolved. Go and chat. Dot the i's. Go to new levels, expand the boundaries of your own achievements.

For greater success and your personal safety, I will give a few recommendations. They will support you in the negotiation process. Use these techniques and be in the focus of what is happening to you and around you.

1. If a person is pleasant to you, despite the existing conflict, you can look into his eyes.

2. If the situation is tense and the person in front of you is angry, then try not to meet his eyes. Look at the bridge of his nose, the tip of his nose, or his earlobe.

3. If you “float”, lose concentration of thought, focus goes away, then pinch yourself, blink or look sharply at a distant object, and then focus on the closest one. Alternatively, you can rub your earlobe with massaging movements.

4. If your interlocutor is in a similar state, try to touch his hand (if it is safe), drive away the non-existent midge between you with a gentle hand movement (very smoothly).

It is excluded: increasing the strength of the voice, sudden movements, throwing objects at hand on the floor, and grabbing those present by the breasts (especially if it is a woman). Over time, you can learn to restore the attention of the interlocutor simply with an unexpected question, off topic. For example, "Which do you like better - squirrels or kangaroos?" Most likely, they will pay attention to you again, asking a question about what these wonderful animals have to do with the issue under discussion, of course, if you are not engaged in fur trade. You can quite calmly answer that you have spent a lot of energy and it is completely normal that you are a little tired or that your conversation has reached some dead end, just to defuse the situation or to draw attention to yourself. It is also very good to say everything that you think in the most heated conflict situations. Or rather, what you feel. Sometimes you have to be careful with your thoughts. And talking about your feelings is safe and healthy. Convey your feelings that have arisen from what is happening to you, with your case. This is called "microscopic truth". You report that you are in pain, you are not well because of what is happening. You get angry and annoyed not because of who is in front of you, but because of what is happening. At such moments, you do not speak with the masks of the person sitting in front of you, but with his true face. Convey your own feelings, stop blaming anyone for what happened. Take responsibility for what is happening. Say that you are responsible for your actions, actions and words, that you are responsible for the positive outcome of the meeting. Be strong, determined and open to new results and relationships. Declare it to your opponents. The way they know that you are a strong opponent who is willing to cooperate only on mutually beneficial terms. You are ready to give more just because you will get much more from it for mutual benefit. You can negotiate in any area of life in this way and see great results. The “win-win” position brings only success, and, moreover, subject to responsibility and fulfillment of the obligations taken, and, of course, fulfilled. Yes, to work on achieving your own success, if, of course, you need it, it is important and necessary in different directions.

Above all, being in a conflict situation, it is necessary to be able to move towards the goal gradually, to be able to say “YES” and “NO”. How to do this in practice will be discussed in the next chapter. So, let's move on to the exercises.

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Chapter 4