Psychological trauma of childhood.

The majority of contemporaries suffering from depression, obsessive fears and complexes tend to look for the causes of their abnormal state in the impact of negative environmental factors. Adults often do not even suspect that the true culprits of today's problems are childhood psychological trauma. Indeed, most of the events of adolescence have lost their relevance over time, crises and difficulties have lost their topicality, and those suffered in childhood are rather vaguely represented in memory. However, the consequences of childhood psychotraumas, not perceived at the conscious level, are quite firmly rooted in the subconscious, creating a specific “life program” of the individual.

Causes of childhood psychotrauma

The question of what can cause psychological trauma in adolescents and children cannot be answered objectively and unambiguously, since the interpretation and significance of any event for a person has purely individual criteria. However, it can be argued that the fragile psyche of a small person is much more susceptible to the negative effects of the environment. What a mature person will consider an insignificant and surmountable obstacle, for a child will become a huge catastrophe.

The only objective criterion for assessing the unfavorable circumstances that have arisen in the life of a baby can be a combination of factors: the significance of the event for the child and the strength of the emotional reaction in response to this phenomenon. Childhood trauma is a traumatic event that a child interprets as vital. These are the phenomena about which he strongly and for a long time worries. Those circumstances that deprive of peace of mind, mental balance and require cardinal changes in thinking and behavior.

Research conducted by psychologists among children and adolescents suggests that the most difficult events for a small person are:

• moral, physical, sexual violence;
• death of a close relative;
• own illness or illness of parents;
• divorce of parents, departure of one of the adults from the family;
• unexpected disruption of family relationships;
• sudden alienation of the parent from the child;
• betrayal, deceit, injustice on the part of relatives, authoritative adults and friends;
• disappointment, dissatisfaction from unfulfilled hopes;
• upbringing by immoral adults;
• growing up in an asocial atmosphere, both in the family and in the team;
• overprotection or lack of parental attention;
• "oscillatory" strategy for raising a child, the lack of a unified approach among parents regarding the requirements for the baby;
• a quarrel with a close friend on his initiative;
• a situation where the child feels like an outcast of society;
• conflict in the educational team;
• unfair treatment, pressure from authoritarian teachers;
• exorbitant workload of the child with educational and extracurricular activities.

There is a version that childhood psychotrauma is a frequent consequence of an incorrect strategy for raising a child. The result of non-constructive life stereotypes existing in adults, which are passed on to the descendant “by inheritance”. According to this point of view, children take over from their parents on a subconscious level the formed directives regarding the rules of life: how to live, how to behave correctly, how to react in specific situations. Toddlers unconsciously inherit the destructive “rules of the game” set by their parents, and in a burdened form.

A lot of such negative attitudes have been described that create the basis for childhood psychotrauma and poison a person's life in adulthood. Let us describe some of these instructions imposed by parents.

Directive 1. "It would be better if you had not been born."

Parents tirelessly tell the offspring about how many difficulties arose after his birth. They provide evidence of how much strength it takes growing up offspring. The child's interpretation follows: "It's better for me to die so that my parents stop suffering."

Adults constantly point out how beautiful, smart, capable other children are, and how mediocre and stupid their own child is. This leads to the fact that a small person begins to be ashamed of his individuality, tries to merge with a faceless crowd, runs away from himself, putting on “masks” that are comfortable for adults.

Directive 3. "You are already an adult, but you behave like a child."

Parents say that it is time for their offspring to grow wiser, grow up and give up childishness. They say that he behaves very stupidly, like a baby, but it's time for him to go to school. As a result, the child is deprived of the most beautiful thing - childhood with age-appropriate desires, needs, games.

Directive 4. "For us, you will always be small."

Such parents are very afraid that their baby will someday grow up and lead an independent life. They stop his attempts to grow up in every possible way, slowing him down at the level of development of a preschooler. As a result, a person simply loses the ability to think and act independently.

Directive 5. "Stop dreaming and start acting."

Adults deprive the baby of a natural need - to fantasize, dream, make plans. This simply kills the opportunity for the future to consider the problem from different points of view. As a result of one-sided thinking, a person commits a lot of irreparable stupidities.

Directive 6. "Stop whining and become cold-blooded."

The command: "Stop expressing your emotions" is similar to the command: "Stop feeling." As a result, a person drives his feelings and experiences deep into the subconscious, subsequently acquiring various problems with the psyche.

Directive 7. "Trust no one."

Parents give examples that all the people around are deceivers, liars and scammers. A person from an early age is accustomed to the fact that any contacts are fraught with fatal consequences. As a result, he withdraws into himself, because the world around him is hostile and dangerous.

What are the dangers of childhood psychological trauma: consequences

Psychological traumas of childhood significantly slow down the process of human socialization. It becomes difficult for a child to make friends, make new contacts, adapt to the conditions of a new team.

From childhood, the ground is formed for the development of obsessive fears, for example: in which a person is simply afraid of the human community. A trauma received in childhood gives rise to a variety of depressive disorders, in which a global sense of self-guilt destroys a person’s entire life. A very common consequence of stress experienced in adolescence is obsessive-compulsive disorders, when a person is seized by some kind of illogical obsession, and he takes a kind of "protective" action.

Unresolved childhood problems lead to the formation of abnormal addictions, including alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, computer addiction. Psychological traumas of childhood are reflected in adulthood in the form of eating anomalies: compulsive overeating or anorexia nervosa.

In addition to the above, the statement is true: all personality complexes are the result of traumas experienced at a young age. It is in childhood that certain character traits are formed, which, under unfavorable circumstances, reach the size of accentuations and take the form of various personality disorders.

How to help a child cope with trauma: psychological help

The most important advice to all parents is to acquire a decent level of psychological and pedagogical knowledge, to choose the right strategy for raising a child, devoid of destructive stereotypes. The task of parents is to create a comfortable environment for the development and formation of the personality, to provide all assistance in the competent overcoming of the difficulties that the child has encountered. Do not ignore the experiences of the baby, but become a reliable companion to whom the child can tell his anxieties without fear and doubt. Do not let situations take their course when changes in the child's behavior become apparent.

At the slightest sign of the development of psychological trauma, you should visit a psychologist, and work together to develop an adequate program aimed at restoring peace of mind in a small person. To date, many psychotherapeutic measures have been developed for children, allowing them to develop the child's ability to live a full life, eliminate barriers imposed from the outside and put an end to destructive stereotypes of thinking laid down by the social environment.

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Survival

For a child, adult care is a matter of life and death, it is a matter of survival: does he have a place in this world or not. Therefore, living in any disadvantaged environment, he makes great efforts to adapt to it. He is looking for affordable ways to maintain a sense of trust in those who do not deserve it, looking for security in a situation that is not safe, trying to find his control in a situation that is completely unpredictable.

He will by any means try to maintain relations with his parents, as a rule, at the cost of himself and the loss of inner peace. But his life is at stake. And he does this with the only means at his disposal - an immature psyche and the same immature psychological defenses. Under these conditions, pathological character traits develop. A huge layer of psychological experience associated with painful experiences moves into the unconscious. And the earlier the child met with a traumatic experience, the more profoundly unyielding it will be for awareness. Trauma leaves a mark on itself in the form of loss of trust, faith, security, connection. It is a confrontation with helplessness, fear and rage at what causes this helplessness, with a numbness that drowns out the heartache.

Traces of rejection

A child who has experienced dramatic changes in relationships with adults has experienced feelings of betrayal, or feelings of being abandoned, not loved, and subsequently repels people. Moreover, the real cause of the traumatic event is not important, what is important is how it was perceived by the child himself, because at the time of the trauma he was still too young to distinguish between reliable and unreliable adults, did not understand the real meaning of the traumatic event. He is the one who hurts the most in relationships and, despite the fact that he needs them so much, he fears in his soul that he avoids them. A construct formed inside - if the parents, the closest people who were the closest, could do this to me, then there is no reason to trust anyone else.

Next to people, he does not feel alive, spontaneous, his feelings and behavior are always under strict control.

They build a wall around themselves, trying to be emotionally impenetrable so that it never hurts like this again. Therefore, people around or close people may sincerely experience misunderstanding and disappointment when they do not immediately or not respond so quickly to them, it takes time to get used to, believe and trust.

Security

Injured children and adults are more sensitive to safety than anyone else. Reactions of numbness and alienation occur just at the moments when the situation is perceived by them as threatening. This is only to contain very strong feelings. The flurry of feelings that arise interferes with the child's primary goal of survival, and splitting in this case serves as the only defense that helps to focus on basic actions, such as avoiding physical harm. Children who must survive in a dangerous world in which they feel insecure cannot afford to have any emotions, they will only get in the way of this task.

Emotional healing can only begin in earnest when the survivor feels secure. Only when there is the necessary external environment with safe conditions can it be a question of allowing oneself to experience feelings and engage in an inner world that already creates a sense of threat in the form of psychosomatic manifestations, impulsive actions or emotional outbursts.

Loss

Even if there was no physical loss of parents and the child was in an emotionally dysfunctional environment - a situation of abuse or neglect, he experienced a heavy loss: spontaneity, liveliness, childish spontaneity, joy, trust, an unlived childhood. Everything that should have been different, but it was. They must mourn everything that has been lost, finally giving way to feelings that have been suppressed for many years: their fear, anger, despair, betrayal and distrust, opposing them with the hope that everything can be different. If you skip this important stage, the past will never recede and will interfere with the creation of a new one - a new perception of yourself, the creation of new relationships, etc.

Process

Some topics must be worked through many times to reach a successful resolution. This includes situations where the past and memories of it invade the present, a cycle of re-experiencing trauma over and over again, a lot of anger and rage to deal with, fear of reliving what happened, fear of being dependent on a therapist, mental pain, anxiety and restlessness. The experience that you will never get out of this and not find inner peace.

Therefore, work with a psychologist takes place at a certain time, place, days - these are also necessary factors of stability and security.

Recovery from psychological trauma can take time. For example, building trust in a therapeutic relationship is time consuming and requires the therapist to be tested and proven to be trustworthy.

In order for healing and recovery to begin, the therapist needs hope and faith that the person who turned to him will cope. Just as his personal confidence is required that he has enough of his own mental resources necessary for work. Well, the main understanding behind all this work includes the fact that the past and terrible events cannot be changed and reversed, but the meaning and meaning that we attach to these events in life can be changed over time.

Experiences during therapy Frances, who at an early age experienced the early loss of her parents and the rejection of loved ones. From the book "City of one"

“Every time my therapist goes on vacation, I feel like a helpless little kid again. Despite all my attempts to be logical and rational, to remind myself that the past is in the past, that every pain of absence only reminds me of my childhood again.

What if she vanishes every time I need her most, after she has walked with me through the frightening territories of my soul, places I would never have crossed or ventured without her?

Why do I experience such feelings repeatedly in therapy, why does another person or event have such power over me?

I hate my addiction, I hate her departures, I hate these repetitions, I hate to look at myself, the one that breaks again and again into these feelings, so that everything becomes meaningless, as if her presence holds my whole life, as if she would fall apart without her.

“You are angry with me,” she will say simply, and will wait. And I have to admit again that it's true. That my helpless warmth hid behind it the fear and despair of losing her.

Any need can just come and go. And the only way out was to rid myself of this need to need her, not to need a relationship, to give up what I so want and cannot control.

Now I can already see that my violent rage for a moment allowed to destroy the importance of everyone and everything. The whole world turned out to be meaningless again, and the real reality does not matter.

I would love to say to my therapist, "Just give me back what I've lost." Be with me, promise that you will not leave, promise that you will love me, promise that you will return. You could if you wanted to. I childishly believed and insisted that she could, she had the power and "magic" to change the past. At that moment, I was not at all able to accept that the past could not be changed.

Then, I finally saw how painful this way of protecting myself was, and how angry I felt before she left. And yet, I saw that we were still together. That my terrible feelings didn't destroy our relationship. That she is still with me.

“But, I don't want to be tied to you,” I said, remembering my childhood nightmare. Attachment made me feel like I was in a trap that I couldn't get out of.

“You will come or go no matter what I do or say. And when you leave me, you will take with you all the good things that we had with you ”(therapist)

"One day I'll be gone."

She replied, “You will. And you will see that your good feelings about us are still in you.

"Will I be able to find within myself what I really need?" She acted like I was the resource that could heal herself. It seemed to me that she refused to admit what seemed obvious to me: my losses were catastrophic and brought me a lot of pain, ruins inside me that can hardly be restored.

It took a while for me to discover that although I couldn't reclaim everything I had lost and missed as a child, I was nevertheless able to find a solution that made me feel more whole. This is the feeling of a restored inner world, created after great effort and with significant help from another person. The end of the winding route, the end of the unraveling of spiritual dramas. Despite the fact that it seemed unlikely, it happened. I found my way home.

For more on childhood trauma of rejection, read:

1. , which describes the history of rejection and its development throughout life between mother and daughter

Every children's team has its outcasts. They are not invited to parties, they are not played with during breaks, and they are not given a spade in the sandbox. Their psychological problems outcast child often remain for life.

There is a certain stereotype: children who are unpopular in the class, who always endure ridicule of others, study well, stretch their hands to answer any question of the teacher and get their legitimate “five”. In reality, everything is exactly the opposite. Studies by Eric S. Buhs have shown that children aged 5 to 11 years old who are rejected by their peers receive lower scores on educational tests compared to classmates. Ostracism is present in all children's groups, even in the younger groups of kindergarten . According to the observation of psychologists, both boys and girls are equally susceptible to it. At the same time, outcast children often develop psychological trauma and academic performance falls. Professor Bachs found that children who are rejected by the collective in kindergarten are also ostracized at school. Their performance in subjects such as reading and arithmetic leaves much to be desired.

Dr. Tad Feinberg, chairman of the National Association of School Psychologists (USA), says he is surprised and concerned about the results of Professor Bachs' research. “Most of the research on ostracism was done in high school,” he says, “because it was believed that in younger children, due to the plasticity of their nervous system, ostracism does not lead to significant psychological trauma.” Now Dr. Feinberg is writing advice for parents of young children. Here is what, in his opinion, should alert adults:

- the child is reluctant to go to school and is very glad of any opportunity not to go there;
- returns from school depressed;
often cries for no apparent reason
- never mentions any of his classmates;
- talks very little about his school life;
- lonely: no one invites him to visit, for birthdays, and he does not want to invite anyone to him.
What to do if a child is rejected? The first thing parents should do in such cases, says Dr. Feinberg, is to take a deep breath and calm down. You should not look for and punish the offenders of the child yourself, but you should not passively wait for the situation to resolve itself. It is better to think about why your child became an “outcast”?

Research by psychologist Rosalind Weissman shows that bullying is primarily triggered by the victim's provocative behavior. Most often, outcasts are children with poor social skills or suffering from some kind of physical handicap - "not-like-everyone." The second reason most often leading to isolation is the aggressiveness of the child.

Psychologists believe that helping is relatively simple - socialization training and / or reducing the level of aggression. So before the situation gets too far, says Dr. Feinberg, parents of children who are rejected by the community should contact a school psychologist.

Irina Pavlenko
(с) http://www.psychologyhelp.ucoz.ru/

Trauma of the Rejected

Until relatively recently, a person, already quite an adult, could not understand why it is so difficult for him in life to do everything that others easily achieve? How does it happen that one has to make almost inhuman efforts, and at the same time, figuratively speaking, mark time, and for the other, each step becomes not just a step, but a real take-off? And only with the increasing popularity among ordinary people of the science of psychology, it became known that there are certain human injury which predetermine his life not just from birth, but long before him. Such is the trauma of the rejected.

What is the meaning of the outcast?
Turning to the dictionary, you can find several definitions of what a "rejected" or "rejected" person means at once. I would immediately like to draw attention to the fact that this concept is fundamentally different from the concept of an abandoned one, since its meaning lies not in the fact that a person, until recently needed and needed by many, suddenly turned out to be alone, but in the fact that he was initially not accepted, rejected.

The most striking example when a person is rejected even before his birth is the birth of an unwanted child. And not only the one that, in fact, is not needed either by the woman herself or the family as a whole, but even just a child of the wrong sex. Few of the future parents attach importance to their words when they tell everyone around that they will definitely have a boy (girl), because it cannot be otherwise! And let others perceive it as a good joke, and even jokingly "sympathize" when expectations are not met - nothing can be fixed: the baby, even before he was born, has already received all the difficulties that the rejection's trauma entails.

However, even if such a development of events was avoided, and mom and dad received the desired son or daughter, this is not a guarantee that this problem will not affect the child later. We draw your attention to the fact that it is not necessary to be bad parents (in the sense of the word accepted in modern society) in order to reject your children. Human injury they are dangerous because they are applied to him subconsciously, i.e. it is very difficult to influence and avoid such a development of events. And everything happens in a banal way: eternally busy parents “redirect” the child to each other, motivating this by the fact that there are more important things to do. Perhaps, having grown older, a person is able to assess such situations objectively, but in childhood, with each such “redirection”, he has a stronger understanding that his parents do not need him, that he has no right to exist.

What happens to the life of an outcast?
In a nutshell, nothing good. Moreover, while the child is small, and the sad outcome of events could have been prevented, no one pays attention to the manifestation of signs of a rejected person: all attempts by the child to feel his significance, to prove to himself that he exists, are perceived by parents as whims and in most cases are severely suppressed. What could it be? Most often, the rejected person tries to hide, to become invisible, but, paradoxically, he does it in such a way as to attract as much attention as possible to himself, thereby causing even greater dissatisfaction with his parents. The circle is closed: adults deprive the child of their society as a punishment, and he, feeling rejected, does everything he thinks is right in order to get into this society.
As the child grows older, so do his complexes. Now a person with such a trauma tries not to attract the attention of those who, in his opinion, rejected him, but initially tries to make sure that he is not rejected - simply to avoid contact with such people. And if, nevertheless, interaction cannot be avoided and communication does not go as one would like, the outcast will blame himself for everything and further move away from the one who, in his opinion (more often subjective), rejected him.

Consequences of the rejection trauma in adulthood
If someone thinks that human injury, received by him in childhood, remain there forever and do not cause him any problems in adulthood - he is seriously mistaken. The adult life of a former rejected child is a constant flight, attempts to hide, disappear, become invisible. It is quite clear that such bangs will not be successful in business or happy in personal life.

Knowing that he will react to rejection with panic and impotence, such a person will do everything in advance to avoid contact with people who can reject him. It would seem that this is terrible? There are many people in the world and you can always find your circle of friends. However, in reality, everything is much worse: with each person that the outcast manages to avoid, his own significance, his importance in the society where he works or lives, decreases in his own eyes. Further, the situation is aggravated: the outcast gradually convinces himself that he is much worse than all other people, which means that he does not have the right to live like this: he does not have the right to success, to love, to the care of loved ones. So really high-class specialists in a particular field drive themselves into the shadows, believing that they are not capable of anything. Moreover, the depth of the injury can be judged by how often such a person is rejected by others, because, expecting to become a reject, he himself attracts those situations in which this is exactly what happens.