Psychological abuse. How to stop psychological abuse in a relationship

Violence comes in many forms. It is unlikely that two different couples can meet an absolutely identical situation. Nevertheless, there is a common thread, a certain pattern in the behavior of domestic tyrants.

Some forms of violence are easy to identify and understand. Ideally, marriage involves the interaction of loving people, but their true relationship to each other may not appear immediately. That is why hidden (psychological) forms of violence are so difficult to recognize with the naked eye.

People used to call beatings, bullying and physical humiliation evil. However, few people identify mental violence as such a dangerous phenomenon. Unfortunately, these two forms of tyranny go hand in hand. In fact, as soon as the despot gains power over the psyche of the victim, very soon he feels unlimited power and descends to physical humiliation.

The purpose of this publication is an attempt to convey to the reader the warning signs and features of offensive behavior. Violence is not the prerogative of a certain segment of the population. A domestic tyrant can have any status in society, financial position, any upbringing or education. About a third of couples in society are affected by this problem. Psychological violence in the family can lead to depression, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, and even death.

Initially, some personality traits of a lover may seem "cute" or "funny". However, this quickly turns into an unpleasant phenomenon. Here are some of the prerequisites leading to psychological violence in the family.

An attempt at total control

It can be constant calls, the desire to have an idea about every step of the partner, or total financial control. It is important for a partner to keep his soul mate on a short leash. He puts forward conditions, forbids certain activities or the choice of friends. The tyrant may not be satisfied with the style of clothing of the victim and even the way she spends her free time. All of these factors indicate that the person is preventing you from being who you really are.

humiliation

The tyrant likes to embarrass his victim in front of other people. He begins to point out the shortcomings of the personality and publicly make fun of them.

Constant accusations

Such a person is very suspicious and constantly suspects his victim of something that she did not do or did not even think to do. So there are suspicions of non-existent flirting, one has only to linger for more than a second on a representative of the opposite sex. He always openly expresses his claims if it seems to him that the partner or partner has been talking to someone for too long.

Making Conditions in Intimate Relationships

For a tyrant, affection or affection is offensive. That is why he puts forward conditions in exchange for physical intimacy. He also gives out his love in doses, and never - for free.

He does not like to build a constructive dialogue

Instead of trying to resolve the conflict situation, he is always angry. Reasonable arguments and arguments are ignored by such a person.

Endless Threats

At this point psychological tyrants are extremely resourceful. They can threaten their soulmate with suicide, and often the threat of reprisal against a partner is used. But it's all part of the manipulation.

Treason

Domestic tyrants themselves are happy to communicate with members of the opposite sex. They do not even hide their adventures. Thus, they show mental superiority over the victim.

Sarcasm

Often the tyrant uses an unpleasant manner of communication and changes the tone of voice in relation to the spouse. A favorite technique of such a person is caustic-sarcastic remarks.

They go from extreme to extreme

An adherent of psychological abuse can experience the whole range of emotions at the same time. He loves to go from one extreme to another so much, for no apparent reason! However, in the bad mood of a domestic tyrant, his victim is always to blame.

They make conditions

All the conversations of such a person are reduced to conditions. He may declare that he will not love his partner if he does not fulfill certain obligations. Remember that real feelings are unconditional.

When one of the partners lives under the yoke of psychological abuse, this condition is slowly killing him. Fear and shame keep the victim silent. If you recognize your spouse in any of the above points, it is time to break the silence.

If we analyze the motives of people who marry, then the main need of family life is a sense of security, which almost every person needs. But, alas, the feeling of security is not always absolutely guaranteed for us, moreover, often the partner is not very ready to provide us with security or does not know how to do it. And in some cases, it can act out its own scenarios in which the safety of a partner is not a value.

By security, we mean not only its physical aspect, but also its psychological one. Often psychological violence is almost invisible and looks like a desire to “improve” a partner, “do him good”, give him his own understanding of what is “right” and what is “wrong” in his life. At the same time, both men and women can use psychological violence both in relation to each other and in relation to children. It is important to be able to recognize it at an early stage.

Depreciation

Everything depreciates: the contribution to the family (“you don’t earn”, “you sit at home”, “the soup is too salty”), the personality of the partner (“you don’t develop”), appearance (“you are fat”). A partner or child is constantly criticized, they are constantly pointed out to their shortcomings and miscalculations, often it looks like ridicule in front of other people, where the goal is to provoke feelings of guilt and shame, which develop into inferiority complexes. Often it is very difficult for a person to recover from such a relationship, both faith in partnership and faith in oneself are lost.

The control

Typically, the partner or parent has very tight control over what they do, who they hang out with, where they go, and how their partner or child dresses. He insists that he is always consulted about even the smallest decisions, he controls finances, telephone conversations, social networks, contacts, hobbies. In case of disobedience to his will, he tries to punish by strengthening all forms of restrictions and suppressing the will with strict prohibitions, often accompanied by blackmail or tantrums.

gaslighting

One of the most brutal and unbearable forms of psychological abuse lies behind such an elegant word. A person who uses gaslighting denies their partner or child adequateness: “it seemed to you”, “it didn’t happen”, “you just don’t understand it”. Events, feelings, emotions are often denied. A person who has undergone gaslighting feels as if they are going crazy. Very often victims of sexual violence are gaslighted when the rapist constantly inspires the victim that she misunderstands something, or even denies the fact of violence. The same can be done by close people who do not believe the victim, accusing her of strange fantasies and refusing to believe in what is happening.

Ignoring

Emotional withdrawal is very difficult for children, since the significance of attachment to an adult for them is key to the emergence of basic trust in the world as a whole. The child feels that if the most important and significant person does not give a damn about his feelings, emotions and deeds, then strangers will definitely not need him. Ignorance often leads to suicidal thoughts and other radical forms of self-attention. Adults also find it difficult to cope with the constant ignorance of their needs and feelings, which causes feelings of guilt and hopelessness.

Insulation

Isolation differs from ignoring in that it is not the rapist himself who distances himself from the partner, but forces him to exclude relatives and friends from his life, everyone except him. Thus, the rapist closes all the communications of the partner or child. Deprived of support, and as a rule, the victim is prohibited from any communication with relatives, the rapist makes the victim completely emotionally dependent on himself. Friends and colleagues are also excluded from communication, which leads to the loss of even a theoretical opportunity to ask someone for help.

Blackmail and intimidation

The tasks of these forms of psychological violence are to deprive the victim of his own will, his own opinion, completely subordinate him to his desires and way of life. Often, in these forms of violence, a person is presented with material of an intimate nature, which is used as compromising evidence: “if you behave badly, I’ll tell you that you wet the bed”, “if you don’t do what I want, I’ll show everyone your nude photos.” Feelings of shame and embarrassment cause the victim to abandon their own plans for the sake of the desires of the rapist.

What to do

Whatever the form of psychological abuse, it is important to know that coping with abuse while in a relationship with an abuser is very difficult. Therefore, it is very important to first get out of the situation of violence, and then deal with the partner. To get out is literally to get away from the rapist, to run away or even disappear from his field of vision. After all, if you are nearby, then the rapist will find ways to influence you, as he always did. It is very difficult for children in this situation if their own parents practice psychological violence. Often they intuitively leave home in an attempt to resist violence.

As a prevention of psychological abuse, it is important to develop in yourself and in your children two, in my opinion, the most necessary skills: the ability to think critically and the ability to trust your feelings.

Critical thinking will help to recognize psychological violence in time, during which a huge amount of distortion of facts and events often occurs.

Trusting your feelings helps you understand that what is happening is really violence, if at the moment when the rapist is next to you, you feel bad. It is important to be able to name your feelings, to have close people who can hear you and reflect on your feelings, perhaps it will be a professional psychologist.

And remember: asking for help is not a shame, rather, it is an important component of the instinct of self-preservation - the basic human instinct.

Ekaterina Goltzberg

Psychological violence in society is usually ignored. Violence is considered, as a rule, only physical violence, although psychological terror causes no less serious damage to the individual. This species is difficult to identify due to the lack of visible evidence, and is often misinterpreted by humans. Usually the victims mistake the systemic damaging effect as a display of bad temper or a partner's reaction to stress. They begin to look for the causes of aggression in themselves, while only increasing the negative impact on their psyche.

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What is psychological abuse?

Psychological abuse manifests itself in any kind of relationship. It occurs not only in the family, but also in the educational and professional environment. Definition of the phenomenon: a systematic destructive effect on a person in the emotional sphere. It destroys self-esteem and distorts the picture of the world.

Destructive relationships hinder the development of personality and lead to degradation. Their main features are systematic humiliation, ridicule, belittling of dignity. The danger of such an impact lies in the fact that the partner often does not recognize himself as the injured party. The lack of support from others reinforces in the victim the belief in his own worthlessness, exacerbating the situation.

It is most difficult to detect domestic violence, as the doses of aggression increase gradually. The lower the self-esteem of the victim, the more pressure the tormentor shows. In a romantic relationship, such a partner looks ideal in the early stages. The rapist positions himself as a family man and surrounds him with incredible care. It is a mistake to believe that only a man is a rapist, a woman can also be an emotional terrorist.

Codependency in relationships

Kinds

In order not to become a victim of psychological violence, you need to know about all its manifestations and types. The ability to notice him will help not only protect yourself from life with a tyrant, but also protect loved ones if necessary.

Violence, insults, mistreatment in psychology are united by the term abuse. It can be of three types: physical, psychological, inclining to intimacy. The one who forces to something, insults, forces to perform actions that are unpleasant to another person, is an abuser.

Often, all types of psychological abuse occur in the family. The tyrant does not have the opportunity to show his abusive inclinations in society, so close relatives are under attack. The abuser does not immediately begin to show negative qualities. This is a slow process that gradually rebuilds the victim's psyche. In this regard, identifying the problem and avoiding abuse is very difficult.

For example, newlyweds in love live together for a couple of years, then one of the partners begins to emotionally blackmail the other, but not regularly, but at intervals of several months. As a result, the partner-victim is looking for the reasons for what happened in himself. Gradually, the interval between manifestations of violence is reduced, and the victim is even more convinced of his worthlessness, since this is the thought that the rapist methodically inspires. The correct tactic in this case is to end such a relationship.

The repetition of one of the types of violence indicates that the partner is an abuser. It is impossible to negotiate with them, therefore, in order not to injure your own psyche, you should avoid his company. This is especially true for women with children, because they unwittingly become hostages of the situation.

The main types of psychological violence:

• Gaslighting. The victim is suggested that her perception of what is happening is erroneous. For example, a man dates other women while his wife takes care of the children. He will inspire his wife that this is absolutely normal or that it seemed to her. This type is often used for systematic insults in raised tones, while the partner is convinced that no one raised his voice. The situation is worsened by gaslighting from the environment. If close people begin to claim that “everyone lives like this”, “you exaggerate”, “you put pressure on him / her”, etc., the victim will doubt his adequacy and become even more obsessed with experiences. This type of violence occurs in a professional environment, often comes from the authorities. In this case, you need to defend your point of view and, if the situation repeats, quit. The abuser, as a rule, enjoys the humiliation of the victim, so he cannot always stop.
• Neglekt - neglect of the needs, needs, desires of the victim. One of the most dangerous forms of psychological abuse, which is not only emotional damage. Neglekt includes refusal to use protection during sex, intentional carelessness in protection, leading to pregnancy, ignoring any needs, argued that the victim does not need it. The abuser pushes his partner to plastic surgery, refuses to deal with children and everyday life, completely neglects his needs and interests. Neglekt often occurs in the family. The right thing to do is isolate yourself from the abuser.
• Withholding - avoiding the conversation. If a partner systematically moves away from an exciting topic, using jokes, this is not an accident, but a manifestation of emotional abuse. The greatest damage in this case is characteristic of family relationships, as the feeling of affection of the partner-victim is affected. In a work environment, you need to respond to distracting remarks, but clearly build a line of conversation.
• Emotional blackmail. The tyrant ignores the opponent in response to any action. Emotional coldness or silence act as a punishment for misconduct. The tormentor does not experience strong emotions, but purposefully engages in submission and re-education. It is necessary to distinguish natural reaction from violence. Resentment is accompanied by anger and pain, it cannot be prevented or controlled, while blackmail is a deliberate act. You can protect yourself from this only by ending the relationship.
• Total control. The aggressor controls every act of the victim, forbids maintaining relationships with friends and family. The tyrant must know about all the movements of his partner, what he does and with whom he communicates. For disobedience, he punishes with blackmail, gaslighting or manipulation. If a partner aggressively invades personal space, regardless of the will of the person, this is violence, not a manifestation of love. The most dangerous forms of total control are usually combined with neglect. The only way out of the situation is to limit communication.
• Criticism. Unsolicited criticism violates the personal boundaries of the individual. In modern society, this type of violence is the most common and most often found in the family and the educational environment - school, kindergarten. The child is constantly pointed out to his negative qualities, forming a destructive concept of his own "I". Subsequently, the behavior of an adult will confirm the information laid down in childhood, even against his will. To avoid the destructive impact of unsolicited criticism, you need to remember that the opponent's opinion is subjective. Correct response: “I didn't ask what you thought of me. Please stop." If a child is subjected to aggressive criticism from an adult, then the abuser should be reminded that he has no right to speak out sharply and publicly humiliate his dignity. The defense text might sound something like this: “Your words offend me, please stop. If you are waiting for a constructive dialogue, then discuss the problem with my parents. »



Sociopath is

violence law

According to the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, if violence can be proved, punishment is due for this. But in cases of psychological violence, the situation is more complicated than with physical (Articles 105, 111, 115, 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation) or sexual (Articles 131, 132 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation).

Legislation limited punishment for psychological abuse Art. 110 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation "Incitement to suicide". Therefore, if the first signs of abuse appear on the part of the partner, urgent measures must be taken. Constructive dialogue rarely helps change the situation. In most cases, psychological terror leads to manifestations of physical violence.

In order not to aggravate the situation, you need to settle in a safe place that the rapist does not know about. You need to protect yourself from a partner by enlisting the support of family or loved ones. In other cases, you can contact the domestic violence protection services that are available in every city. The contacts of these organizations are easy to find on the Internet. For more detailed information, you should pay attention to the articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation No. 39, 40, 110, 129, 130.



What to do if a child is suffering?

If a child is being abused by an adult, then the school psychologist should deal with the problem and pass the information to the department for family and children.

The situation with children should be monitored not only by teachers, but also by neighbors. An attentive attitude and a desire to understand the situation will help save the fate of many children. Before turning to the appropriate services for help, you need to independently understand the reasons for the behavior of an adult and a child. Children tend to make up tragic situations to get the sympathy of others, but this problem disappears with age. If this is the true reason for what is happening, it is recommended to consult a psychologist.

If a child is afraid of his parents, is constantly subjected to humiliation and physical violence, he needs to seek help from other adults - neighbors or teachers.

Harassment at school

Quite often, psychological abuse manifests itself in school in relation to the child. However, when dealing with this issue, parents should take into account that the modern world makes children confident in their own impunity. A class is a certain society, with its own laws and orders. Therefore, a child who behaves culturally at home does not always remain so in an educational institution. Before taking action, you need to understand the situation. According to article 336 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, a teacher must be fired after the first manifestation of emotional or physical abuse. But if you use this method of protection without finding out the reasons for what is happening, the child's psyche may suffer. If he himself was the provocateur of the incident, confidence in his own impunity will only grow stronger. And in this case, the teacher will be the victim of psychological violence.

In situations with boorish behavior of students, the teacher does not have the right to humiliate, shout and, moreover, use physical force. He is allowed to write a reprimand in his diary and call his parents to school. It becomes obvious that, unlike students, the teacher remains absolutely unprotected, which is often used by adolescents. They may openly insult, swear, ignore remarks, and even leave the classroom without permission.

It is impossible to solve the problem of school violence by dismissing a teacher or expelling a student. To do this, it is necessary to create interested groups that are ready to deal with conflict resolution. This is covered in detail in the books Our Right to Be Protected from Violence and The UN Secretary-General's Study on Violence Against Children: A Children and Youth Version.

In order to protect the child from violence at school and prevent incorrect behavior towards teachers, parents need to regularly conduct educational conversations and explain to the teenager how and how not to behave in an educational institution. Younger children should be reminded more often not to be afraid to tell older children about school conflicts, teacher pressure, and harassment.

The procedure for parents in case of conflict situations in an educational institution:

1. 1. Find out the true reasons for the excess of authority on the part of the teacher.
2. 2. If there is a share of the child's fault in what happened, then work it out individually and with a psychologist.
3. 3. To fix the beatings with a doctor, the infliction of moral harm - with a psychologist.
4. 4. Write a statement addressed to the director and, if necessary, to the police. Be sure to attach copies of certificates of the child's condition to the document.
5. 5. In particularly difficult cases, it is recommended to send a copy of the application and certificates to the district education department.
6. 6. If no action was taken in response to complaints and statements from the school management, it is necessary to take the child out of the educational institution so as not to injure his psyche even more. The next step is to seek help from the prosecutor's office.

For more information about your rights, it is recommended to pay attention to the articles: Art. 2, 15, 156 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, Art. 115, 116, 336 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, Art. 151 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation. They describe the norms that a teacher must follow and the types of punishments for exceeding authority.

How to recognize a tyrant in the family and at work?

To recognize a tyrant, you need to carefully analyze your emotions. Harmoniously built relationships bring satisfaction to both partners, there is no dominant link in them, the opinions and desires of each member are taken into account. It is worth considering that not only a man can be a tyrant. Situations are common where a wife leads her husband, belittling his dignity and merits.

The main signs of partner violence:

• Expects obedience.
• Controls through emotions.
• Uncontrollably jealous.
• Punishes for misdeeds.
• He blames others for his problems.
• Incapable of admitting mistakes.
• Instills fear.
• Isolates from loved ones.
• Offends, downgrades.

If there are several items from the list in the union, this is an alarming bell. To facilitate the exit from, you need to seek help from a psychologist. Often victims are afraid to part with their rapist, which is the result of psychological trauma, so a specialist consultation is indispensable. It will help to sort out feelings and restore the psyche.

After getting out of a similar situation, the victim often becomes an abuser in a new relationship. To avoid this, you need to get out of a state of stress, re-prioritise and restore a sense of self-worth. Modern psychology is actively studying this phenomenon and has a wide range of restorative procedures in its arsenal.

Emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, which is why it poses a serious danger to life.

In order to properly get out of an abusive situation, it is important for the victim to understand that she is not to blame for what is happening. In whatever circumstances emotional attacks are observed, you need to take care of yourself and your psychological state. Even if the aggressor is the boss, at work it is necessary to protect personal boundaries from encroachment.

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