The roles we play. Test Transactional Analysis E

	Parent	Adult	Child
Characteristic words and expressions	Everyone knows that...; You must never...; You must always...; I don't understand how this is allowed...	How? What? When? Where? Why? Possibly Probably...	I am mad at you! That's great! Fine! Disgusting!
intonation	Blaming, Condescending Critical, Repressive	reality bound	very emotional
State	Haughty, very correct, super decent	Mindfulness, search for information	Clumsy, playful, depressed, oppressed
Facial expression	Frowning, dissatisfied, worried	Open eyes, maximum attention	Depression, surprise
Poses	Hands at hips, pointing finger, arms folded across chest	Tilt forward, towards the interlocutor, the head turns after him	Spontaneous mobility (clenching fists, walking, pulling a button)

The founder of transactional analysis E. Bern tried to reveal the deep layers of human interaction in his teaching. The main idea of his theory is that within each person several people live, as it were, and each of them at one time or another controls the behavior of a person. These three human ego states: "Parent" (P), "Adult" (C), "Child" (D):

"Parent" is a source of social continuity, it includes social attitudes of behavior learned from external sources, mainly from their parents and other authoritative persons. On the one hand, this is a set of useful, time-tested rules and guidelines, on the other hand, it is a repository of prejudices and prejudices.
"Adult" - source of realistic, rational behavior; this state, by the way, is not related to age (remember children growing up after some tragedy). Being focused on the objective collection of information and full responsibility for one's actions, an "adult" acts in an organized, adaptive, reasonable manner, calmly assessing the likelihood of success and failure of these actions.
"Child" - emotive beginning in a person; this state of "I" includes all the impulses that are naturally inherent in the child: gullibility, tenderness, ingenuity, but also capriciousness, resentment, etc. It also includes early childhood experience of interacting with others, ways of responding and attitudes adopted in relation to oneself and others (“I am good, others find fault with me”, etc.). Outwardly, D is expressed, on the one hand, as a childishly direct attitude to the world (creative enthusiasm, naivety of a genius), on the other hand, as archaic childish behavior (stubbornness, frivolity, etc.).

Any of these ego-states can situationally or permanently prevail in a person, and then he feels, thinks and acts within this state. He may suddenly begin to perceive the environment and act from the point of view of his childish self-attitude (“I am a cute boy, everyone should admire me”, “I am a weak child, everyone offends me”) or look at the world through the eyes of their parents (“We need to help people "You can't trust anyone").

AT psychological science there are several approaches to understanding the essence of communication between people:

Communication is the process of transferring information from one object to another using various communication means and mechanisms. The goal of communication is to achieve mutual understanding (A. G. Kovalev);

communication is the interaction of people, and the transfer of information is only a necessary condition, but not the essence of communication (A. A. Leontiev);

Communication is a process of relationships between people in a team, during which the collectivist properties of the group are formed (K. K. Platonov);

communication is both the exchange of information, and interaction, and their relationship (V. D. Parygin).

Such attention to communication indicates the importance of psychologists' assessment of its role. Contradictions in points of view indicate the complex relationship of communication with others. , inextricably linked psychological phenomena - relationships, interaction and with the activity itself.

Often at trainings we ask participants a question: “What is the difference between an adult and a child?” As a rule, we come to the answer: responsibility.

child position

Indeed, the position of a child is the position of a person who is not fully responsible for his life.

When we say that cause of our bad mood –

this is the weather
we are upset
the boss shouted
we feel guilty
once again we were late due to traffic jams.

These are all examples of "childish" behavior characteristic of the position of the Child.

When something doesn’t work out for us, when we again postpone the matter until better times, when we say “well, I don’t know ...” or “I’ll try ...” - all this is precisely from this role. And there is nothing wrong with her: we all know her well.

It is important to simply not get carried away with this role. Because if we are constantly in this hypostasis, those around us have no choice but to take the position of the Parent in relation to us.

Who is a Parent?

First of all, it is a controlling body involved in the education of a younger comrade. He always knows how to occupy the child, what instructions to give him, what to teach. And, importantly, he always has criticisms at the ready.

Remember your childhood: most likely, mom or dad (or even both) often gave you home assignments, checked the correctness of tasks, controlled whether the portfolio was completed, and so on.

Personally, in my childhood, the following items of the “parental menu” were always ready: whether the floor was washed, whether the dishes were clean. And what depressed me the most was checking the violin homework.

My musical exercises were regulated by time, after which I had to play the “control time” without fail. Sometimes there were several of these control times, because the test was not passed the first time.

What are the consequences of the fact that the child did not complete the task or did it poorly? As a rule - punishment, deprivation of something. TV (now a computer), festivities, some gifts and so on.

What is interesting: growing up, we still fall into these two positions from time to time.

Wives control their husbands (what they ate, where the money is, why they didn’t come home from work on time) - and thus they are included in the role of the Parent. Husbands, justifying themselves, fall into the role of the Child. They make stash, they don't tell the whole truth.

Consequences: the mother has one more baby in the family. And if this suits everyone, then such a family has excellent chances for a long existence. Sometimes it happens the other way around: instead of a husband and wife, “father” and “daughter” live under the same roof.

Adult Position

A fundamentally different position is adult position.

This is when on an equal footing, this is when there is trust, this is when you are responsible for your life and for your contribution to relationships. In this role, we do not get involved in other people's problems and do not solve them instead of another (as a Parent). We do not complain ourselves and do not relish the details of someone else's "unhappy life, because there are only idiots around" (like a Child).

Here we see reality as it is. And if something doesn't suit us, we fix it. Only an Adult can be next to an Adult. This is possible only when the Child has become responsible and when the Parent has turned off total control.

Therefore, choose. Decide from which role you want to build relationships with people close to you.

The first step is to define an existing position. And if it does not suit you, change it (this will be the second step). And remember: in life there is always a place for a game! Don't always take everything too seriously.

Grown-up people are very good at being naughty!

Expert in the psychology of love

Considering the process of interaction and communication between people, one can rely on many theories existing in psychology. The theory of transactional analysis by Eric Berne is close and understandable to me, in which communication is considered based on the position of its participants.

E. Bern highlights 3 positions of the opponent in the act of communication (transaction): Parent, Adult, Child . Any act of communication (transaction) can be analyzed by considering the position of each participant.

It would seem that everything is extremely simple: two adults communicate. What problems can arise here? But this is only at first glance. Really, if in the communication of two people each of them is in a position adult, there is a good chance that communication will be productive. adults understand each other, since the language of argumentation, facts and logic is available to both.

What if they communicate Adult and Child? It would also seem obvious Adult wiser, older, more experienced, more authoritative. So it is, if the age characteristics of the interlocutors correspond to the positions. But it happens differently.

Consider this example from practice:

The client, let's call him Nikolai, is 21 years old. Lives with parents, studies at the university on a budget. No close friends, no girlfriend. When asked about how he builds relationships with others, he replies that he is experiencing difficulties. Nobody understands him. Everyone around is vile, evil, aggressive, girls are mercantile. Wants to change the attitude of others towards him.

In the process of work, it turns out that he is offended by his parents because they do not understand him. When he was at school (in the middle grades), they stopped doing lessons with him, “left me alone with my studies, as if it were none of their business. Cope as you wish,” did not protect him when classmates started “bullying”. He was injured as a result of a "showdown" with classmates. And again he was not understood by his parents, who did not deal with the offenders. When he went to study at the university, his parents still refused to "do lessons with him."

In this case, infantility, immaturity of a person can be traced. Adult self-aware child, builds relationships from a childish position. And sincerely surprised that the interaction does not work. Or it turns out, but crooked, not like expected.

And here's the thing - one Adult sees another and addresses him as an adult, appealing with facts, figures, arguments. And the second from position child does not understand what they want from him, since his way of organizing contact is emotionalization. Children's transactions are accessible and understandable to him.

Whenchild they call for responsibility, mature judgments, evaluation of their actions, he is offended, upset and leaves contact, offended and upset, like a child. Child reacts with feelings Adult learned to let my feelings through the filter. He has access to various ways of responding and an appeal to common sense, in contrast to child.

Therefore, if we consider the act of communication (transaction) based on the theory of transactional analysis by E. Bern, the interaction Adult-Child invariably leads to misunderstanding on both sides.

In interaction with me, Nikolai was offended by the fact that I periodically reminded me of my age, saying that at 21 you should already start learning to do “lessons” on your own, not counting on the help of your parents, to protect yourself. The interaction was built according to the scheme Adult(I) - Child(Nikolai).

My remarks about independence caused strong protest and resentment, because. in my messages I appealed to adult. Nikolai's reaction to these messages was very emotional - “that is, also make me guilty of the fact that they wanted to spit on me”.

Then I tried to interact with Nikolai from a position parent, patient, understanding, caring, explaining ( Parent-Child). Out of position parent I talked about how the process of separation (psychological separation) of the child from the parents takes place, about the stages of this process.

She explained that his reaction was normal, joined emotionally (she said that she understood his resentment towards his parents and was ready to talk about it). That is, I stopped appealing to the position adult, which at that time was inaccessible to Nikolai, since, due to his unexplored psychological trauma, he “mothballed” emotionally in childhood.

Accordingly, in the process of communication, it is necessary to test from which position the interlocutor is addressing you in order to build further interaction with him that meets the task.

There are a few points worth paying attention to: transactionChild-Child implies the emotionality of both participants and is ineffective if the task of communication is to resolve serious issues.

Scheme Child-Child rather, it is suitable for communicating with a real child, for placing him to himself and creating a trusting environment. It is also suitable for establishing contact with an interlocutor who is in psychological regression, for emotional adjustment and finding an entry point into contact.

PositionsAdult-Child , Parent-Child suitable for pedagogical communication. In transactions of this type, an educational, training, and developmental impact is achieved. Suitable for teacher-student / teacher-student interaction, as well as for the interaction of a psychologist with a client in order to confront the infantile part of the client.

In this form, the transaction is sometimes built by managers with their subordinates. And communication can be effective, but it is worth paying attention to the fact that adults having a clear awareness and understanding of themselves, as adult may respond poorly to attempts to treat them as if they were small children.

The boss's appeal to his subordinates as to schoolchildren (children) can cause persistent rejection and accumulation of irritation.

Position adult-parent. Quite a difficult situation to interact with. Here it is worth clarifying a little. difference adult from parent .

Adult - a logical, unemotional, sensible, operating with facts and putting forward arguments participant in communication.

Parent - the same Adult, but being in a pedagogical position (teaching, educating, tuned in to a dialogue with the child). His position is a somewhat patronizing attitude towards the participant in communication. It is assumed that the act of communication uses an indication of authority, emphasizing one's own importance, and a vertical construction of interaction.

So communication adult-parent may cause resistance adult because communication adult-adult- communication on an equal footing, while adult-parent– vertical construction of interaction.

Consider another way to build interaction between participants - Parent-Parent. This arrangement of positions is suitable for pedagogical debates, as well as in the case of real parents discussing their children. In all other cases, this method of interaction may be unproductive.

Position parent involves the vertical construction of relationships, as already described above, the presentation of authority. This can lead to a battle of authority, where both participants in the transaction will defend their position, at the risk of not hearing the other.

That is, analyzing the above, we can say that the success of communication depends on the correct choice of the position of the participants in the process. Or adjustments of one of the participants to the position of the other.

The secret of success is to listen and hear the other, classify his messages based on the proposed model, and choose the way of interaction. It is important to remember that we are all different. Someone is more mature, someone else is in the process of growing up. And each of us has the right to our “age”.

Treat your interlocutor with respect and attention, and your efforts will be rewarded!

Depreciation theory, a bit boring but necessary

The principle of amortization was developed on the basis of the study and practical application of transactional analysis, a psychotherapeutic method discovered and developed by the Californian psychotherapist E. Berne in the 50-70s of our century. Communication, as I pointed out above, is one of the most essential human needs. Hunger for communication, E. Bern points out, has a lot in common with food hunger. Therefore, gastronomic parallels are appropriate here.

The need for communication

Rational nutrition should include a complete set of nutrients, vitamins, microelements, etc. A deficiency of one of them will cause a corresponding type of hunger. So communication can be complete only if all its needs are satisfied, if it has all the ingredients.

There are several types of hunger for communication.

Hunger for Stimulation develops in the absence of stimuli necessary for communication, i.e. in a situation of complete loneliness. In infants deprived of the necessary contact with people in orphanages, irreversible changes occur in the psyche, which subsequently prevent a person from adapting to social life. An adult who does not have special training dies in conditions of loneliness on the 5-10th day.

But satisfying only the hunger for stimulation cannot make communication complete. So, having got on a business trip to a city of millions or on vacation at a crowded resort, we can experience an acute feeling of loneliness if another type of communicative hunger is not satisfied - hunger for recognition. That is why we try to make new acquaintances and friends in a new place so that we can get to know them later! That is why we are happy to meet in a strange city a person with whom we did not maintain close relations at home!

But this is still not enough. It also needs to be eliminated hunger to satisfy the need for communication. It develops when a person is forced to communicate with people who do not deeply interest him, and the communication itself is formal.

Then you have to satisfy hunger for events. Even if there are people around you who are deeply sympathetic to you, but nothing new happens, boredom develops. So, we are tired of the record, which until recently we listened to with great pleasure. That is why people gossip with pleasure when some scandalous story with their good acquaintance suddenly becomes known. This immediately refreshes communication.

There is still hunger for achievement. It is necessary to achieve some result that you aspired to, to master some skill. A person rejoices when he suddenly starts to succeed.

should be satisfied and hunger for recognition. So, an athlete performs at competitions, although he has already shown record results in training, a writer tries to publish a written book, and a scientist tries to defend a dissertation. And it's not just about financial rewards.

We don’t just eat food, but we cook some dishes from them and we can remain dissatisfied if we haven’t eaten borscht or drunk compote for a long time. We exchange greetings (rituals), work (procedures), have conversations during breaks (entertainment), love, conflict. Lack of some forms of communication can lead to structural hunger. For example, it comes if a person only works and does not have fun at all.

Many books have been written about tasty and healthy food. But why is so little attention paid to the gastronomy of communication?

Communication with oneself (structural analysis)

A young engineer makes a report at a conference. He has one posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. This is an Adult person who objectively assesses reality. He comes home, and his wife asks him right from the door to throw out the garbage. And before us is another person - a capricious Child. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. In the morning, when he is already leaving for work, his son accidentally spills a glass of cherry juice on his light, carefully ironed suit. And again before us is another person - a formidable Parent.
Studying the communication of people, E. Berne described three I-states that each person has and which, in turn, and sometimes together, go to external communication. I-states are normal psychological phenomena of the human personality (Parent (P) - Adult (B) - Child (D)) (Fig. 2. 2.).

All of them are necessary for life. The child is the source of our desires, inclinations, needs. Here joy, intuition, creativity, fantasy, curiosity, spontaneous activity. But here are fears, whims, discontent. In addition, the Child contains all psychic energy. For whom do we live? For the Child! It may be the best part of our personality.

Adult necessary for survival. The child wants, the Adult fulfills. The Adult crosses the street, climbs the mountains, makes an impression, gets food, builds a dwelling, sews clothes, etc. The Adult controls the actions of the Parent and the Child.

If the action is performed frequently and becomes automatic, Parent appears. It is the autopilot that steers our ship correctly under normal conditions, which frees the Adult from making routine everyday decisions, it is also the brakes that automatically keep us from reckless actions. The parent is our conscience. Child's mottos - I want, I like; Adult - expedient, useful; Parents - must, can not. And happy man, if he want, expedient and must have the same content! For example, I want to write this book, it is expedient to write this book, I must write this book.

If the desires of the Child are satisfied in a timely manner, they look moderate and are not difficult to fulfill. A delay in meeting a need leads either to its disappearance or to excesses. This happens, for example, when a person restricts himself in food: he becomes a glutton or loses his appetite.

Leaders, parents, teachers, in general, all of us should remember that the programs of the Parent, especially those acquired in early childhood, can be very stable. It takes a lot of effort and special techniques to destroy them. The Parent in his demands becomes aggressive, forces the Adult to work, harms the Child, due to whose energy he himself exists.

Another danger comes from the Parent. It often has strong prohibition programs that prevent the individual from satisfying his needs, prohibitions: "Don't get married until you get a higher education." "Never meet on the street" and so on. For a while they hold the Child back, but then the energy of unsatisfied needs destroys the dam of prohibitions. When the Child (I want to) and the Parent (I can't) quarrel with each other, and the Adult cannot reconcile them, an internal conflict develops, a person is torn apart by contradictions.

Communication with a partner (transactional analysis)

Parallel transactions

In each of us there are, as it were, three people who often do not get along with each other. When people are together, sooner or later they begin to communicate. If A. addresses B., then he sends him a communicative stimulus (Fig. 2.3.).

B. answers him. This is a communicative response. Stimulus and response is a transaction, which is the unit of communication. Thus, the latter can be viewed as a series of transactions. B.'s answer becomes a stimulus for A.

When two people communicate, they enter into a systemic relationship with each other. If A. starts communication, and B. answers him.

A.'s further actions depend on B's response. The goal of transactional analysis is to find out which I-state A. sent the communicative stimulus and which I-state B. gave the answer.

B-B:
A: What time is it?
B: Thursday to eight.

R-R:
A .: The students do not want to study at all.
B .: Yes, before curiosity was higher.

D-D:
A .: And what if you go to the cinema after the last lecture? B: Yes, it's a good idea.

These are parallel transactions of the first type.(Fig. 2.4.). There is no conflict here and never will be. On the B - B line we work, exchange information, on the D - D line we love, have fun, on the P - R line we gossip. These transactions proceed in such a way that the partners are psychologically equal to each other. These are transactions of psychological equality.

The second type of parallel transactions occurs in a situation of guardianship, suppression, care (R - D) or helplessness, whim, admiration (D - R) (Fig. 2.5.). These are transactions of psychological inequality. Sometimes such relationships can last quite a long time. The father takes care of his son, the boss tyrannizes his subordinates. Children are forced to endure the pressure of their parents until a certain age, the subordinate is forced to endure the bullying of the boss. But there will definitely come a time when someone will get tired of patronizing, and someone will be patronized, someone will not withstand tyranny.

You can calculate in advance when these relationships will end in a break. Let's think about when? It is not difficult to guess that these relations are maintained by existing connections along the line B - B. It is clear that they will end when the relations B - B exhaust themselves, that is, the gap will occur when the children cease to depend materially on their parents, and the subordinate receives high qualifications and wealth.

If the relationship persists after that, then a conflict will certainly develop, a struggle begins. As on an unbalanced balance, the one who was below will tend to rise up and bring down the one who was above. In its extreme expressions, the relationship R-D is a slavish-tyrannical relationship. Let's consider them in a little more detail.

What is the slave thinking? Certainly not about freedom! He thinks and dreams of becoming a tyrant. Slavery and tyranny are not so much external relations as states of the soul. In every slave sits a tyrant, and in a tyrant a slave. You can formally be a slave, but remain free in your soul. When the philosopher Diogenes was taken into slavery and put up for sale, a potential buyer asked him:
— What can you do? Diogenes replied:
- Rule the people! Then he asked the herald:
- Announce if anyone wants to buy a master?

Analyze your relationships in the family or at work. If you are in the position of a slave, the depreciation technique will allow you to feel like a free person and get out of slave dependence on your oppressor, even if he is your boss. If you are in the position of a tyrant, use special techniques when establishing equal relations.

So, dear reader, the theoretical basis of the depreciation principle has already become clear to you. It is necessary to see what position your partner is in and to know in which your I-state the communicative stimulus is directed. Your answer should be parallel. “Psychological strokes” go along the D-R line, offers for cooperation go along the B-B line, and “psychological blows” go along the P-D line.

Below I will list some signs by which you can quickly diagnose the condition in which your partner is.

Parent. Pointing finger, the figure resembles the letter F. On the face - indulgence or contempt, often - a wry smile. Heavy look down. Sits leaning back. Everything is clear to him, he knows some secret that is not available to others. He loves common truths and expressions: “I will not tolerate this”, “To be done immediately”, “Is it really difficult to understand!”, “The horse understands!”, “Here you are absolutely wrong”, “I fundamentally disagree with this”, “What idiot came up with this?”, “You didn’t understand me”, “Who does that!”, “How much can you say?”, “You are obliged ...”, “Shame on you!”, “It’s impossible. ..”, “No way”, etc.

Adult. The gaze is directed at the object, the body seems to move forward, the eyes are somewhat dilated or narrowed. On the face - an expression of attention. Uses expressions: “Sorry, I didn’t understand you, please explain again”, “I probably didn’t explain clearly, so they refused me”, “Let's think”, “What if we do this”, “How do you planning to do this job? etc.

Child. Both posture and facial expression correspond to the internal state - joy, grief, fear, anxiety, etc. Often exclaims: “Excellent!”, “Wonderful!”, “I want!”, “I don’t want!”, “I’m tired!” , “Sickened!”, “Damn it all!”, “Let it burn with fire!”, “No, you are simply amazing!”, “I love you!”, “I will never agree!”, “Why should I necessary?”, “When will it all end?”

Crossed transactions (mechanisms of conflict)

Any person, even the most conflicted one, does not conflict all the time. Therefore, it amortizes, enters into communication, which is in the nature of sequential transactions. If people did not behave at least sometimes correctly, they would die.

In the family (classic example of E. Berne):

Husband: Honey, can you tell me where my cufflinks are? (B - B).
Wife: 1) You are no longer small, it's time for you to know where your cufflinks are! 2) Where you left them (R - D).

In the shop:

Customer: Can you tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs? (B - B).
Seller: Do you have no eyes?! (R - D).

In production:

A .: Can you tell me which brand is better to use here? (B - B).
B .: It's time for you to know such elementary things! (R - D).

Husband: If we had order in the house, I could find my cufflinks! (R - D).
Wife: If you would help me a little, I could manage the household! (R - D).
Husband: We don't have such a big farm. Be quick. If your mother had not spoiled you as a child, you would have managed. See, I don't have time! (R - D).
Wife: If your mom taught you to help, didn't serve you breakfast in bed, you would find time to help me! (R - D).

The further course of events is clear: they will sort out all relatives up to the seventh generation, they will remember all the insults that they inflicted on each other. It is possible that one of them will increase the pressure and he will be forced to leave the battlefield. Then they will look for cufflinks together. Wouldn't it have been better to do it right away?

Let's look at the conflict scheme (Fig. 2. 7.).

The first move of the husband was along the line B - B. But, apparently, the wife has a very touchy Child and a powerful Parent, or maybe she was hooked up in another place (for example, at work). Therefore, she perceived her husband's request as pressure on the Child. Who usually stands up for the child? Of course, parent. So her Parent rushed to the defense of the Child, pushing the Adult into the background. The same thing happened with my husband. The wife pricked the child of her husband. This led to the fact that the energy of the latter hit the Parent, who discharged reproaches and pricked the wife's Child, who "contracted" his Parent. It is clear that there will be a scandal until the energy of the Child of one of the partners is depleted. Generally psychological conflict goes to destruction. Either someone leaves the battlefield, or a disease develops. Sometimes one of the partners is forced to give in, but in practice this does little, since there is no inner peace. Many believe that they have good psychological preparation, as they manage to maintain external equanimity despite internal tension. But this is the way to the disease!

And now let us return again to the structure of psychological conflict. All aspects of personality are involved here. There are six people on external communication. This is the market! Relations are being clarified: The parent of the wife grappled with the Child of the husband. The child of the husband sorts things out with the Parent of the wife, the quiet voice of the Adult husband and wife is not heard, it is muffled by the cry of the Parent and the cry of the Child. But only the Adult does the work! Scandal takes away the energy that should go to productive activities. You can't fight and work at the same time. In times of conflict, things stand. After all, you still have to look for cufflinks.

I'm not against conflict at all. But we need business conflicts that go along the B-B line. At the same time, positions are clarified, opinions are polished, people become closer to each other.

And what happened to our heroes in the store? If the buyer's Parent is weak, his Child will cry and he will leave the store without a purchase, complaining about life. But if its Parent is no less powerful than the seller's Parent, then the dialogue will go as follows:

Customer: She also asks if I have eyes! I don't know if you will have them now! I know what you're doing here all day while I'm working hard! (R - D).
Seller: Look, what kind of business turned up. Take my place! (R - D).

You can imagine further continuation of the conversation. Most often, a queue intervenes in the conflict, which is divided into two parties. One supports the seller, the other supports the buyer. But most importantly, the seller will still name the price! Isn't it better to do it right away?

In production, things are more complicated. If A. depends on B. for work, he may remain silent, but negative emotions, especially if such cases occur frequently, A. will accumulate. The defusing of the conflict can come when A. gets out of the influence of B., and B. makes some inaccuracy.

In the described situations, the Husband, the Buyer, A. see themselves as the suffering party. Nevertheless, they could get out of this situation with honor if they had mastered the depreciation technique. How would the dialogue proceed then?

In family:
Husband: Yes, I'm not small, it's time for me to know where my cufflinks are. But you see how unselfish I am. But you are so economic to me. You know everything. I believe that you will teach me this too, etc. (D - R).

In the shop:
Customer: I really don't have eyes. And you have wonderful eyes, and now you will tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs (D - R). (I witnessed this scene. The whole queue laughed. The seller, at a loss, named the price of the goods).

In production:
A: It's time for me to really know that. As soon as you have the patience to repeat the same thing to us a thousand times! (D - R).

In all these depreciation responses, the Child of our heroes answered the Parent of the offenders. But the Adult controlled the actions of the Child.

I hope that in some cases depreciation has begun to work for you. But still, do you sometimes break into the old style of communication? Don't be so quick to blame yourself. All students of psychological struggle go through this stage. After all, many of you lived with the desire to command, but here, at least outwardly, you have to obey. It does not work right away because there is no necessary psychological flexibility.

Look again at fig. 2.5.

Those places where the Adult is connected with the Parent and the Child can be called the "joints of the soul." They provide psychological flexibility, the relationship between these parts is easily changed. If there is no psychological flexibility, the "joints of the soul" grow together (Fig. 2.8.).

Parent and Child obscure the field of activity intended for the Adult. The adult then engages in unproductive activities. There is no money, but the Parent demands to treat, arrange a magnificent holiday. There is no real danger, but the Child requires extra effort for unnecessary protection. If the Adult is always busy with the affairs of the Parent (prejudices) or the Child (fears, illusions), he loses his independence and ceases to understand what is happening in the outside world, he becomes a recorder of events. “I understood everything, but I could not help myself ...”

Thus, The first task of a student of psychological struggle is to master the ability to remain in an adult position. What needs to be done for this? How to restore the mobility of the joints of the soul? How to stay objective as an Adult? Thomas Harris advises to become sensitive to the signals of the Parent and the Child, which work automatically. Wait if in doubt. It is useful to program questions in the Adult: “Is this true?”, “Does it apply?”, “Where did I get this idea from?”. When you're in a bad mood, ask why your Parent hits your Child. You need to take the time to make big decisions. Your Adult must be constantly trained. You can't learn navigation during a storm.

Another task is to bring your communication partner into an adult position. Most often, this has to be done in the service, when you receive a categorical order from the boss, the implementation of which is not possible. It usually follows the P-D line. The first move is depreciation, and then the business question is asked. At the same time, the thinking of the communication partner is stimulated, and he becomes in the position of an Adult.

Chief: Do it now! (R - D).
Subordinate: Okay. (D - R). But as? (B - B).
Chief: Think about it! What are you here for? (R - D).
Subordinate: If I could think like you, then I would be the boss and you the subordinate. (D - R).

Usually, after two or three depreciation moves (the Child of the boss is not affected), the energy of the Parent is depleted, and since there is no new energy, the partner descends to the position of the Adult.

During a conversation, you should always look into the partner's eyes - this is the position of the Adult, in extreme cases, up, as if surrendering to mercy, - the position of the Child. Under no circumstances should you look down. This is the position of the attacking Parent.

Summary

Each of us has three self-states: Parent, Adult and Child. The unit of communication is a transaction, consisting of a stimulus and a response.

With parallel transactions, communication lasts a long time (the first law of communication), with intersecting transactions, it stops and a conflict develops (the second law of communication).

The principle of depreciation is based on the ability to determine the direction of the stimulus and give an answer in the opposite direction.

Business communication goes along the B-B line. To bring a partner into the position of an Adult, you must first agree, and then ask a question.

Private depreciation

From my point of view, a “strong-willed” leader, that is, one who shouts, threatens, demands, punishes, takes revenge, persecutes, is a stupid leader. Firstly, he himself does not think, because he is in the position of the Parent, and secondly, by stimulating the Child of the subordinate, he blocks the mind of the latter and dooms the matter to failure.

A smart leader clarifies, asks questions, listens to other people's opinions, supports the initiative of subordinates and is usually in the position of an Adult. It seems that he is not in command, but he is being commanded. Such a leader can safely go on vacation, and his absence will not adversely affect the state of affairs.

Often conflicts between maturing children and parents arise due to the fact that children want more independence, and parents try to maintain a commanding position. Conflicts are serious when children are already adults, and parents continue to actively interfere in their lives.

The scandal is not as bad as it might seem. During a conflict, especially a violent one, there is an energy discharge that brings temporary relief. Some even fall asleep immediately after the conflict, and then, remembering, they say that they quarreled to their heart's content.

Any, even the most interesting, work causes one or another tension in the body. The body is overheating. The best "cooler" is the joy of love. And if she is not? Then conflict comes to the rescue. So, the best prevention of conflict is love.

What does depreciation lead to? The man removes his thorns. Psychological struggle teaches to accept a partner in the totality of all his qualities, like a rose, to accept both a flower and thorns. We must learn not to stumble on the thorns of a partner, but to deal only with a flower. You also need to remove your thorns.

By holding, you will not achieve anything, by letting go, you can return.

Summary

Depreciation is applicable in the service, in social, personal and family relationships. Here you need:

1. Bring depreciation to the end, be able to wait for the result.
2. Accept the person as a whole, trying not to run into his thorns.
3. Before breaking off relationships, build them.

Surprise

In addition to depreciation, there is also super depreciation.
Principle: strengthen yourself the quality that your communication partner attributed to you.

In the bus:

Woman (to a man who let her go ahead to the bus, but crushed her a little): Oh, bear!
Man (with a smile): You should also call him a goat.
A: You are stupid!
B .: Not only a fool, but a bastard! So beware!

With "psychological stroking" and an invitation to cooperation, this technique is better not to use.
Usually super cushioning ends the conflict immediately.

Wish you luck!

██ ██ To all those who lost hope and gave up. The author, like Kozma Prutkov, believes that a person's happiness is in his own hands. And if he knows how to communicate with himself, finds a common language with loved ones, is able to manage a group and quickly get used to a new situation, he is doomed to happiness. The author uses his rich clinical experience and experience in psychological counseling, gives simple recommendations on how to improve communication. Life is an easy thing, and if it's hard for you, then you are doing something wrong. Joy is what is felt after some creative or socially significant action that was not performed for the purpose of obtaining benefits.

The concept of "parental position" is an integrative characteristic that determines the type of emotional acceptance of the child, the motives and values of upbringing, the features of the image of the child in the parent, the latter's perception of himself as a parent (the image "I as a Parent"), models of role-playing parental behavior, the degree of satisfaction with parenthood .

Back in the 1930s. such parental attitudes as “acceptance and love”, “explicit rejection”, “excessive guardianship” and “excessive exactingness” were singled out [Shvantsara, 1978]. However, the definition of the parental position, based on only one, albeit the dominant parameter of the parental relationship, greatly simplifies its content.

There are various definitions of the term "parent position". A.S. Spivakovskaya qualifies it as a real orientation, which is based on a conscious or unconscious assessment of the child, expressed in the ways and forms of interaction with children. The parental position is a system of parental emotional attitude towards the child, the style of communication with him and the ways of behaving with him (A.A. Bodalev, V.V. Stolin). AND I. Varga-i V.A. Smekhov define the parental position as a trinity of the emotional attitude of the parent to the child, the style of communication with him and the cognitive vision of the child.

E.O. Smirnova distinguishes two structural components in the parental position - personal and objective, which determine the originality and internal conflict of the parental attitude towards the child, reflecting its duality. The personal principle is expressed in the unconditional love of the parent for the child and deep affection. The subject matter sets an objective evaluative attitude of an adult to a child, aimed at the formation of socially valuable qualities and properties of his personality [Smirnova, Bykova, 2001]. The evaluative attitude is due to the responsibility that a parent bears for the future well-being of his child and his development.

So, the parental position is characterized by an emotional attitude towards the child in terms of acceptance / rejection, features of the parental image of the child (cognitive vision), a certain style of communication with the child, where an important component is the structuring of positions as equal or as positions of domination-submission, discipline as a system of parental requirements , the values of parental education, the degree of stability (stability) or inconsistency (inconsistency) of the parental relationship.

Positive parenting is defined by:

*relative continuity, stability of the parental relationship over time;

*change in parental attitude with the age of the child, taking into account the specifics of his psychological age (E.O. Smirnova). Obviously, when analyzing parental attitudes towards a child, it is necessary to take into account how adequate it is to the age of the child, the tasks of his development and age-psychological characteristics;

* the balance in the parental relationship of two opposite tendencies - the tendency to establish maximum closeness with the child in order to protect, ensure safety and care, and the tendency to provide the child with autonomy and independence in solving emerging problems.