Self-control is a quality, ability and art. Everything you need to know about self-control

Life is full of problems and temptations, and very often we follow our desires or float languidly through the waves of circumstances, having neither the strength nor the desire to resist them. The result in both cases causes negative emotions. We regret that we spent money on buying a lot of unnecessary things, did not dare to offer our candidacy for a vacancy with a higher salary, did not hold back our emotions and thoroughly ruined the relationship with our other half or a teenage child.

In order not to get into such situations, you need to know how to manage yourself. The inability or unwillingness to learn this often leads to the fact that a person becomes a puppet in the hands of others, sometimes without even realizing it. Often, having acted emotionally under the influence of an impulse, we can later regret the consequences that have come, sometimes even for a lifetime.

Keep your emotions under control

There are many situations when our emotions can bring trouble of various sizes. Anxiety in an exam or job interview can prevent you from getting the coveted score or position that you dreamed of. The inability to cope with irritation is the cause of many domestic and sometimes work conflicts. In order to emerge victorious from any stress, you need not only to know how to manage your emotions, but also not to forget to put it into practice at the right time.

For those who are worried about any reason, psychologists advise mastering relaxation techniques that can be used even in a crowded place, for example, at an exam or before an important speech at a meeting.

One of these techniques is breathing exercises. You can perform the exercises standing or sitting, but always with a straightened spine and straightened chest. First, rhythmic breathing through the nose is recommended, for which you should alternately cover one nostril with your finger. Then the breath goes according to the scheme: inhale through the right nostril - hold the breath - exhale through the left nostril and vice versa. By the way, holding your breath is described in many sources as a way to deal with irritation.

Analyze

In order to successfully cope with negative emotions, it is useful to try to understand what exactly causes them. Often we get annoyed because of the fear of the unknown or the fear of not being able to cope with the assigned task, of not being up to par. In this case, you need to mentally calculate the options in a calm environment, as if living the situation several times in different ways. Having experienced sensations, albeit still unrealistic, it is worth appreciating their importance for yourself. It often turns out that the game (that is, experiences) is not worth the candle - those expected consequences that in reality turn out to be by no means catastrophic.

To cope with the irritation that is caused by the wrong, in our opinion, the behavior of other people, it is worth considering why they behave in this way. There is not always malicious intent behind what offends us. In order to be convinced of this, sometimes a calm heart-to-heart conversation is enough.

About desires

Those individuals who know how to learn to manage themselves, as a rule, make a positive impression on others. People who are used to doing “what the left foot wants” do not inspire the trust of acquaintances and make their own lives very difficult. Psychologists help to cope with such inappropriate behavior, but your own effort can bring results. The main thing is that a person must realize that loved ones suffer from his spontaneous actions.

For example, if a woman understands that her every trip to the store makes a hole in the family budget, and things bought under the influence of impulse then gather dust without work, you can introduce a reasonable savings regime. To do this, before the next raid on the supermarket, you need to make a list of goods necessary for the purchase and strictly adhere to it. Then you should calculate the approximate cost of the purchase and put in the wallet an amount that is not much higher than the value received. Leave your credit card at home.

But fighting your desires is not always worth it. Sometimes they stimulate creative thinking, forcing us to find an additional income option that will help us acquire the ring we like without harming the family.

My own psychologist

Psychology can teach a lot: how to manage yourself, how to get rid of other people's influence, how to increase stress resistance. If it is not possible to contact a psychologist or take a course of psychotraining in person, you can ask for a consultation online, now many psychological support centers have their own websites. Another option is to independently study the literature on this issue.

The greatest value for any person is his calm state of mind. A person who has lost peace cannot live normally, realize his dreams and bring joy to himself and those around him. External restraint, the need to just hide negative emotions is not helpful, as stress is driven inside and accumulates, waiting for the hour when it can explode. In order for the house to be in order, it must be maintained. To live in harmony with your "I" and the whole world, you need to maintain your peace of mind.

They say different things about emotions: someone says that “emotions interfere with life”, others complain about their hyper-emotionality, others, against the backdrop of now popular books and articles on the topic of emotional intelligence, try to increase not only IQ (intelligence quotient), but also EQ ( emotionality quotient)… Emotions themselves are an indispensable thing, but sometimes they are too strong, and this harms both the “owner” and others.

I don’t really like the expression “keep emotions under control” (I see some kind of pressure on a person in it), but the fact remains that it is possible and necessary to control emotions and feelings. The ability to control oneself and keep a mind clear and free from momentary outbursts of emotions is appreciated in any situation and in any place: both at work and in the family. Today I propose to reflect on this topic: how to learn to control yourself?

Keep emotions under control: why do we need emotions at all?

Just in the days when this article was conceived, I watched the film "The King's Speech" about the deliverance of King George VI of Great Britain from stuttering. The plot does not talk about how to learn to control yourself, directly, but one thought seemed to me consonant. When the future king comes to see the doctor, he asks about his earliest memory in order to understand the reason why the duke stutters. The doctor assures that no one starts to stutter just like that:

And it's true - nothing happens just like that, everything has a reason, nothing appears from scratch.

A person who believes that he needs to learn to control himself most likely means that there are times when he is simply not able to control his emotions and feelings. He ceases to be the master of emotions. Emotions (often negative) become the master of him, and he becomes their hostage.

Why do these negative emotions arise? They have their own cause (sometimes it, like stuttering, is rooted in childhood), which cannot be ignored. The emerging negative emotion is a red light that signals: something is wrong, some need is not satisfied. Which? Your task to find it (perhaps together with a specialist) is not to ignore it, but sit down at the negotiating table with that emotion and discover: what's wrong?

I like Jung's words: “Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, do not drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say. Jung talks about depression, but the words can be applied to any other disturbing emotion.

To be the master of emotions: to suppress or control?

Many people confuse and believe that suppressing and controlling your emotions are one and the same.. To suppress means not to consider important, not to pay attention, to forbid yourself to understand what is happening to me.

To manage emotions means to show them in the right place: after all, sometimes they are inappropriate, they can offend other people, they do not allow you to calmly think about the situation. Owning your emotions also means understanding and considering that sometimes too intense emotions are the result of lack of rest, lack of sleep, hunger, fatigue, illness ...

Learn to control yourself: 4 exercises

1. Start with the face. If you want to quickly get a negative emotion under control, then start with ... a change in face and facial expressions. How it works? Usually we want to defeat some kind of negative emotion - anger, irritation, etc. To remove it, you need to “change” your face, giving it an expression of the emotion you are striving for. For example, smile, straighten the wrinkles on your forehead, relax your jaw if you are angry or very upset. Then start breathing evenly, slow down the pace of speech, soften intonations.

The brain will be surprised at first: what is happening - everything is boiling inside, but the face and body express positive emotions? But then the internal state will “catch up” with the external one: with a smile and the right relaxed facial expressions, you can control your emotions. I like this method for its simplicity, and several times it helped me out a lot.

Smile - and the mood will improve, and emotions will return to normal

2. To make it easier to keep unacceptable emotions under control, become aware of their hidden meaning or meaninglessness. Fear, anger, the strongest resentment, terrible irritation, frustration ... Sometimes a person pursues his goals with such states - for example, to achieve attention to himself, help, get his own; and this is often done unconsciously. Observe yourself and answer honestly: what hidden benefits do you get from your own emotions? If they are not found, then ask yourself another question: why then, in fact, be so worried, angry, offended? .. In fact, these emotions will only harm the one who feels them - and nothing more.

The contemplation of water is calming in itself. No wonder restless people are advised to have an aquarium or a small fountain at home.

3. Visualize the emotion. A simple exercise will help you learn to control yourself: imagine your violent emotion in the form of fire - feel how big the fire is and how hot it is. Then visually bring down on this fire a huge jet of imaginary water - put it out so that not a single ember remains.

4. Use a sense of humor. Sometimes a sense of humor can relieve the tension of a particular situation, better comprehend it and, as a result, help to keep emotions under control. Don't beat yourself up, just laugh. Sometimes it can be difficult to joke and mentally laugh at this joke yourself, especially if passions go wild - if you can’t use your own sense of humor, use the sense of humor of others: sit back and read funny jokes for 20 minutes or watch a video or movie that is terribly funny .

And you can not only learn to keep emotions under control, but also exclude reasons for the appearance and manifestation of negative experiences. For example, if you know that every trip to the market squeezes out all your strength, and you will definitely be annoyed by the slowness or persistence of sellers, choose a different type of purchase - buy via the Internet with delivery or entrust this responsibility to family members who do not have such a problem, how do you. If work causes such violent outbursts of emotions, then perhaps this is the signal to change it? Or maybe not only work, but also the field of activity?

What helped you learn to control yourself? Is it easy to keep your emotions under control?

Every day we are faced with troubles that are necessary to cope with for our own well-being. Negative emotions and well-being that everyone can experience, losing control over the situation and themselves, can lead to sad consequences.

In order not to test yourself for strength and not be in danger, it is important to be able to pull yourself together and control the circumstances. This will help you avoid many problems and vicissitudes of Fate. To change your attitude and behavior, use the suggested recommendations.

Don't focus on failure

Remember that life goes on as usual and often brings rather unpleasant emotions. However, this state of affairs is not at all a reason for the blues. Learn to perceive what happened more calmly, without driving yourself into depression and worsening your own well-being. Failure is an occasion to reconsider your actions, relax and unwind before correcting inaccuracies and oversights. Negative emotions that accompany you in case of erroneous actions require adjustment, perseverance in achieving your goals and objectives.

Don't get discouraged

Dissatisfaction with one's own life, joyless everyday life and daily boredom from monotonous and routine actions can weaken a person. Try to find the reason for your despondency in order to change for the better. Do not forget that life is diverse, and after a dark stripe, a bright one will always come. In order to avoid such a state, find something to your liking, get out into nature, find a source of inspiration in yourself or in the space around you. Allow yourself small pleasures as a reward for the routine, and your mood will improve rapidly.

Remain calm in conflict situations

Arguments, raised voices, shouting and irritation are not the best helpers in resolving disputes. Learn to deal with your own emotions and remember that cold confidence and calmness (even if only external) quickly cool down the aggression and pressure of your interlocutor. Having calmed your discontent and guided by the arguments of reason, you will be able to defend your innocence without worsening your well-being and mood with unnecessary worries. If the opponent is not able to listen to your words, end the conversation. So you avoid internal tension and overwork.

Do not respond to aggressive attacks

Remaining calm in the event that you are called into conflict is important for emotional and physical health. If you are faced with such a situation, gather yourself internally and try to disengage from the aggressor. Count slowly, evening out your breath and focusing on your own sensations. Often your icy calm quickly cools the ardor of the offender, who is unable to lead you to reciprocal emotions. Do exercises to control emotions with the help of breathing exercises.

First of all, you must try to exclude from your life everything that constantly gives rise to denial.
meaningful experiences. This is facilitated by a clear daily routine, the correct organization of life and
that. It also helps conscientious attitude to business, friendly relations, a wide circle of communication with
rtsnikami.

You can overcome yourself under one more condition. It consists in educating self-critical
ty, especially to their shortcomings. Moreover, self-criticism is not in words, but in deeds.
It is useful to expand the range of interests and deepen them, because interests act as strong motives
activities.

A very interesting and unusual way of developing the will is training in solving problems.
Volomok. In addition to educating the will, this activity allows you to develop attention, thinking and imagination.
The first impression of a person's character is usually formed by the manner of communication with the environment.
shchi. With this in mind, here are some recommendations on how best to organize your communication.

1. It is important to learn to listen to another person without interrupting him during a conversation.
2. It is important to understand the other person. Hindu philosophers came up with the following rule of argument:
each interlocutor must first state the thought of his opponent in the dispute and, only having received
confirmation from him that his thought is correctly understood can refute it. This rule is very
it is useful to use at least in those cases when the disputants put different meanings into the same
same words.

3. You need to learn to sincerely appreciate people. A cultured and developed person will always find in a friend
good qualities. It is important to be generous with praise, highly appreciate the true virtues of
dey.
4. You need to be attentive to people. They say: it is better to deprive a person of food than attention.
5.Communication is the education of useful habits, the training of deeds, worthy behavior.
Therefore, everything is important in communication: how you are dressed, how you sit, how you walk, dance, talk with a neighbor -
mi. All this and much more forms your character.

A small and simple example on the formation of strong-willed habits:
1. “Walk”. Leaving the house, return exactly one hour later (the error should be no more than 2
min.) During the walk, you can chat with friends, and your conversation should be within this time
2. “Alarm clock”. After the alarm rings, count to 30 and get up. Every day, reduce the count by
5 and a week later get up on account 3. An exercise is considered mastered if you get up for 3 weeks in a row
Eat without interruption at the expense of 3.
3. “Exercising” Start charging from 10 minutes, daily increasing the time by the end of the week to 20 minutes.
An exercise is considered mastered if you perform it for 3-4 weeks in a row without failure.
“All victories begin with a victory over oneself” (L. Leonov).

In a further conversation, we will understand the code of a tactful person.

"Courage, hard work, self-control

and intellectual effort is the foundation

for a successful life".

Theodore Roosevelt

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear about self-control? Perhaps the image of a warrior who owns a martial art - calm, focused and in control of himself and his life. Or you can imagine a person who plans his life, has self-discipline and achieves his goals. Be that as it may, you will be right in any case - this is a wonderful skill and everyone should learn it.

Think about which of the above virtues you constantly display. Do you feel in control and confident in your future? Are you able to manage your emotions? Most likely your answer will be - you can do all this, but only sometimes. If so, take four important steps to help you develop self-mastery.

What does it mean to be in control of yourself?

If you know how to control yourself, this means that you have the ability to control yourself in any situation and consciously move towards your goals. You are clearly aware of them, have self-discipline and are maximally concentrated. It also means managing your emotions, thoughts, impulses and actions that you direct in the right direction.

Think of people you know who don't know how to control themselves. Most likely they are impulsive and reckless. They draw erroneous conclusions, lose their temper, yell at other people and are completely incapable of being patient. They are unpredictable and do not inspire confidence.

Goals

The development of self-control begins with. Think of people who have high self-discipline. There is a huge chance that they are clearly aware of their merits, have the right goals and direct all actions towards their achievement.

Set short and long term goals for yourself. For the first you will need motivation, for the second it is discipline. Remember that they should be clear and easy to measure, and every correct step raises your self and kills you.

Attitude and emotions

Dealing with negative situations and managing emotions are critical skills for self-control. If you often lose your temper, you do not control your own mood and make a lot of mistakes both in work and in relationships with others.

Focus every day on something positive. Numerous unpleasant events are possible in your life, but they should not affect your psyche and your decisions. Be for what you already have. Almost every person has the ability to exaggerate, so change your attitude to what is happening, to what you cannot change. Even if you do not like your work, do not even think about it at home or when you are relaxing.

Avoid self-sabotage because it undermines your confidence and prevents you from reaching your goals. If you notice this behavior, change the direction of your thoughts. Think of something positive and inspiring.

Describe on a piece of paper the situations that led to negative and destructive thoughts. Next, write down the emotions that you experienced at the same time, and also list your automatic reactions. It is automatic reactions that are the problem for most people. They instantly react to criticism with anger, and to conflict with apathy.

Develop emotional intelligence. Be always aware, determine what emotions you are experiencing at the moment, give them a clear definition. If you are angry, don't deny it and acknowledge that you are angry. Watch the reactions of other people - so you can notice the first signs of conflict and immediately extinguish it.

Strength of will

Remember how many times you set yourself ambitious goals like learning English and did not finish what you started. You lacked willpower and self-control. We always quit what we started when our mood deteriorates, we are upset about something and do not get what we want.

Willpower is extremely important for self-control, because it pushes us forward and motivates us to act even when we are scared or upset. Willpower is born in us when we see the big picture and understand that we need to make a lot of effort in order to achieve a big goal in a year. Usually people focus on the details and forget about the long term benefits.

Willpower usually comes in bursts and consumes huge amounts of energy. But once it becomes a habit, you will be able to take on the most difficult tasks without experiencing any emotional difficulties. Make sure your rational and emotional motives are in order. Help and development in itself. In the first weeks, it will be difficult for you, but after a month you will feel that you hardly spend any effort in order to complete the next task.

Concentration

Nothing pulls us back and makes us look like Sisyphus more than constant distractions. In addition, this leads to distracted attention and the fact that a person cannot concentrate for more than ten minutes. He reads a book and wants to sleep, does work and gets bored. And here senseless distractions come to the rescue, which entertain him and lead him away from the goal.

• How much time do you spend on unnecessary distractions per day?
• How much time do you spend surfing the internet that doesn't change your life?
• How much time do you spend on breaks? Taking rest is healthy and correct, but if you are distracted every five minutes, this affects the results in a negative way.
• What could you achieve for this day if you made the most of the previous five?

Concentrate on your tasks for one hour several times a day. Give yourself a little rest if you work one hour without distractions. After a while, you will be able to concentrate for longer periods and will be surprised to notice how much easier it is for you to get the job done and delve into the essence of the matter.

We wish you good luck!