See your flaws in others. Why do we see only flaws in ourselves?

I hate the phrase: “I feel sorry for you / you!” For the most part, this phrase hides: “You vile pathetic bastard! I am right and D'Artagnan, you are wasting your life, and not a single decent person in an open field will take a shit with you! Pity is a rather negative feeling. Awkward, aching, in which there is nothing good. It's really not worth pitying anyone, it automatically lowers the victim to the level of the plinth, and exalts the pitying one to the stars. You can sympathize, you can be angry, you can be perplexed, but it’s not worth pitying someone, like women leaving the discussion with the same “I’m very sorry for you”.

A miserable person is often unhappy. If , then misfortune definitely exists. Pitiful people are long and lastingly unhappy, but not only happy with this, but as if swimming in their musty swamp. One gets the feeling that they hate their lives even more than the lives of the people around them. Pathetic people do exist, but I would like to believe that there are not as many of them as it seems. In any case, what makes them worthless?

1. They love to find the bad side of everything.

Hell, they're looking for flaws everywhere. My wife recently told me that she has a friend who in general cannot but find faults in other people. Either this waist is too wide, or the ass is saggy, the third chin grows to the third. Even in people who look quite good to themselves, she will find some extremely perverse flaw in the form of imperfection of the oval of the face or similar crap. If they don't see flaws in other people, they always see him in the situation. “It will only get worse!”, “Drop this topic!” and such statements are extremely frequent among these comrades. HE looks at the world in exclusively gray tones. Of course, there are bad people in the world, there are also good ones, but one cannot think that the whole world is black and white, even without the most insignificant shade of gray.

They see the bad in any situation, they constantly whine, they want to put a bag over their head and choke them, like in the Manhunt game.

2. They hate their friends and those who treat them well.

It is not known what causes some people's love and respect for you, as well as hatred. If you seriously think that people treat you the same way you treat them, you are wrong. Often, some comrades sympathize with us literally out of nowhere. Disrespect is a bad thing. Pathetic people hate their friends. Often they choose unfortunate people as friends, people with disabilities and more or less normal people in order to sip on their brains. Often miserable girls choose dumb girlfriends for themselves in order to look better against their background. So, to my great shame, some young men also act. There are those who drip heavily on the brains of some of their comrades, poisoning their lives. They are not even friends with people, but together they pity each other.

3. They constantly escape from reality, spend a huge amount of time on dubious entertainment.

Do you remember the article about These guys have either embarked on this slippery slope or are already on it. — is vital. But these guys choose extremely destructive and simply useless methods. Playing computer games and watching TV shows is normal. Playing MMORPG all day and night and watching some endless anime is a waste of time. It's one thing when you've done something like this a few times, if you do it all year round it's bad. Drinking, taking drugs and eating are also doubtful.

There are more pleasant ways to escape from reality - one of them.

4. They hate getting up in the morning… seriously

Everyone says they hate getting up in the morning and going somewhere. Most often, this is such a routine complaint that it is simply difficult for him to get up. It is physically difficult for this person to get up, it is tantamount to pain when urinating. He can put off the moment when you need to tear your head off the pillow many times and is extremely often late. The inconvenience of having to get up for him cannot be compared with the usual human desire to sleep more. He hates life, hates his job, and hates the world around him, which has done nothing wrong to him.

5. They roll their lips, quarrel with those who are close to them, for any reason.

And they will certainly leave completely, slamming the door. Often, these people have a relationship literally with the first person they meet. They met, she expressed interest, and he began dating her without much sympathy, because "he doesn't have a second chance." Since they do not and cannot have strong sympathy, a miserable person can part with her on any suitable occasion, in order to suffer enough later and receive his portion of pity. Did she say something wrong, did something wrong, turned on the music too loudly? A pathetic person is not able to forgive, if only because he simply does not want to. But this happens not only because pathetic people want pity. Often they react inadequately, because they absolutely cannot forgive any inconvenience for the sake of at least someone.

6. They directly point out flaws

Pathetic people love to bring others down to their level, usually pointing out any flaws they find. By this they show that every person is unattractive and more miserable than they are. They consider themselves not so miserable, so others do not like finding their shortcomings. If you ask them why they are doing this, they will be genuinely surprised and will keep saying that this is normal and that they want to help.

But they know what they're doing. They want to watch your reaction to see how your mood gets worse. But they will be all right.

Pitiful people want to believe and make the world really ugly, as they see it for themselves, so they diligently remember and point out the shortcomings of others. After which they wait for someone to agree with him, confirming their belief that it really is as ugly and terrible as they believe.

7. They don't like themselves, but they still think they're better than others.

Strange confidence, right? Pathetic people are unhappy in the first place because they dislike so much about themselves. This puts a decent amount of pressure on their fragile minds, regardless of whether there are these shortcomings or not.

The flaws they see may actually exist, but they believe that others have flaws enough to be better than others and keep doing nothing. They don't like themselves, but they are driven to keep themselves at the top of the food chain.

What do they get as a result? I believe they are pieces of shit, but they are the best pieces of shit on the planet. Some people seriously think that these people are honest with themselves and people, confessing their shortcomings, but in fact, they are categorically dishonest with themselves.

“You are too categorical and straightforward. Life is much more diverse in its manifestation, not only in human essence, but also in social groups. No one argues that spiritual fulfillment gives greater joy and a sense of happiness than material wealth.

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The vision of the surrounding World in which a person lives (how he perceives it at this moment) depends primarily on its energy-informational content.

The energy-information content of a person is perceived as: an imprint on his intellectual potential, - on the sensory abilities to perceive the environment ...

Energy-informational content is the determinant of harmony and positive interaction with Our World.

Undoubtedly, the depth of penetration into the energy-information content of Our World is proportional to the existing energy-information content in the Human Soul.

To someone, something that may seem poor and boring, and to another person full of deep meaning and ... will be interesting for further knowledge. If a person reports, in his environment, about interesting events that occur to him in everyday life, then he is usually envied. However, it is preferable to “envy” that ability to perceive Our World by this person, which gives the noticed event or phenomenon that interest and ... that meaning, as it is displayed and expressed by him.

One and the same event seems to a person who has shown insight to be deeply interesting, and to an empty one, to a spiritually unliberated person: a boring everyday occurrence.

It is necessary to envy not the fact that someone had an accident, but the powerful imagination of an eyewitness who penetrated the essence of what happened, and turned an allegedly ordinary event into something beautiful and unusual.

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“But no one has canceled the practicality in the implementation of their plans.”

Practicality isn't everything.

The main thing here is not practicality, but the freedom of the Spirit, which gives rise to the feeling of wings - the talent of creation.

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“They themselves gave an example when practicality, coupled with spirituality, gave certain results to the whole country.”

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Whole country?

This country is the entire current WESTERN WORLD.

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“Spiritual fulfillment undoubtedly provides a more stable platform in the development and strengthening of a person's personality. But I also met the profanation of spirituality. When everything is about the spirit, about spirituality, about the highest ... but it was enough to get into a really critical situation and the animal prevailed over the spiritual.”

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The profanation of spirituality is about the USSR, or rather, it is about mockery of the people.

“Spirituality” in the USSR, and with a specific dosage, was dealt with by Soviet propaganda: television, radio, newspapers, magazines, in which corrupt journalists worked under the vigilant cap of the KGB.

Such spirituality also gave birth in duped citizens: manifestations of the animal nature in critical situations.

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“And vice versa happens. It seems like an ordinary person, lives worldly and even sins a little. But in a critical situation, he shows the highest spiritual qualities.

Do you have an explanation for this?

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What is the pinnacle of such spirituality? To die for the Motherland, for Stalin?

The “ordinary person” is not every person.

This may be a person who was not broken by the totalitarian system.

(Not everyone becomes sycophants and traitors from the KGB).

But what can an “ordinary person” manifest in himself, living, figuratively speaking, in a CELLAR.

Without me, you know the names of poets and writers who vegetated in the USSR and their twisted destinies.

Soviet "Servantes"?

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“Only the weak in spirit can envy. Those who go their own way are not subject to envy, even if they are still far from spiritual perfection.

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Those who went their own way in the USSR ended up in prison or were shot.

Remember the fate of the geneticist Vavilov, who was "surrendered" by the great Stalinist academician Lysenko.

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“The environment does influence the formation of personality, but not always. It also happens vice versa, when strong personalities make changes in the environment, in the ideology, spiritual and material development of entire generations.

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Are you talking about Nelson Mandela?

Is it useful to sit in prison for thirty years?

For the final formation of personality?

Padding around the form

There is a good ancient saying: “We see a speck in someone else’s eye, but we don’t notice a log in our own.” Alas, most of us are not very prone to self-criticism, but we notice other people's mistakes and shortcomings very quickly. No wonder Sigmund Freud argued that a person may not see and be unaware of even the most obvious things if they are unpleasant to him. I think it's called the crowding out effect. Of course, who likes to admit their own shortcomings? But to seek out and discuss other people's shortcomings is much more pleasant and interesting!

Do you remember the last time you honestly admitted to yourself that you were wrong, or sincerely criticized yourself for what you did? And now remember how long ago you and your friends drunkenly washed the bones of mutual acquaintances? That's it! When we gossip about others, we involuntarily become like this very Monkey, who, in her own impartial reflection, saw not herself at all, but her own gossips. Why does this happen, and where does such a strong desire to gossip about others come from? In nature, nothing just happens, and if we have the desire to criticize our neighbors, then this is probably not without reason. To some extent, a critical attitude to the world around us allows us to survive in it. The better we see the shortcomings of the people around us, the easier it is for us to avoid unpleasant surprises when dealing with them. Note: while criticizing a loved one, we nevertheless continue to maintain good, friendly relations with him. So, suspiciousness and criticality, if, of course, they are moderately developed, do not at all prevent us from successfully interacting with society. As they say, you can expect the good, but you should be prepared for the bad. Just imagine what can happen to a person who sees only the good in his neighbors and does not notice the bad point-blank? In the end, there will definitely be someone who will abuse the gullibility and naivety of such a person.

Then why are we not inclined to criticize ourselves? Yes, because we still can’t get away from ourselves, so we have to love and accept ourselves as we are. It can be said that unconditional love for oneself is the same means of psychological protection as a critical attitude towards the world. A person who criticizes himself all the time, does not like himself and does not expect anything good from himself, is doomed to chronic depression and constant life failures. But there is something to be clarified here. Unconditional self-love, however, should not prevent us from evaluating ourselves objectively and having an idea of ​​our own capabilities, advantages and disadvantages! Otherwise, we can expect a lot of problems. Probably, the Monkey from the Krylov bath still knew that she was a Monkey, and not a Wolf or a Fox, but this did not stop her from living in peace with herself and enjoying life. In a word, no matter how much we criticize others and no matter how inclined we are to love and forgive ourselves, it is desirable that our common sense and sense of proportion should not be betrayed!

Rule number one of successful communication: you should see not only the shortcomings of other people, but also their virtues.

Otherwise, if we see only flaws in everyone, we will have neither friends nor a loved one. Meanwhile, man is a social being, in need of communication with his own kind. A critical attitude towards people allows us to discern in time and not let people who are completely unsuitable for us in character, or communication with whom can have bad consequences for us, get too close to us. At the same time, the more we can see their positive qualities in people, the easier it is for us to make friends and the better our relations with society develop. Therefore, the ideal option is if, looking at a person, we are able to objectively and impartially evaluate both his positive qualities and negative ones.

Most of all, we are angry with people who have the same flaws that we have in ourselves.

One young woman, let's call her Lena, complained that she could not stand one of her employees, and at the same time she herself did not understand why this employee was so unpleasant to her. An in-depth analysis of the situation revealed an interesting fact: Lena was very annoyed that her colleague loves to show off his outfits and successes with men. And it immediately turned out that Lena herself is prone to boasting, but all her life she has been trying to get rid of this quality, since she believes that boasting is humiliating. So, we conclude: the more we cannot accept some quality of character in ourselves, the more we are angry at people in whom it is clearly manifested. Most often, we readily forgive people for their shortcomings, if these shortcomings are not observed in ourselves. Therefore, if in relation to some person you have unmotivated hostility, think about it and try to understand: what exactly you don’t like about him, and whether you yourself are sinning with this unsightly quality. Self-analysis and self-improvement are useful things that help us become a little better.

Usually we expect from the people around us such behavior and actions that we ourselves are prone to.

Many of us have a not-so-good inclination to judge people by ourselves. For example, people who are prone to cunning, deceit and pretense are often very distrustful, as they are constantly waiting for someone to deceive and outrage them. While many crystal-clearly honest people are constantly burned by human dishonesty and dishonesty, and at the same time continue to believe people. So, we can say with confidence: the more a person blasphemes, criticizes and scolds the people around him, the more dirt he has in himself! Anyone who believes that the world consists entirely of scoundrels, scoundrels and moral freaks, most likely, is very far from holiness himself and is capable of not very good deeds. No wonder the ancient sages expressed the opinion that we see the world around us as we ourselves are. In psychology, this is called subconscious projection. We project the qualities we possess onto the world around us. The more good and positive we ourselves are, the easier it is for us to see positive qualities in any person with whom we have to communicate.

Very often, our negative view is the result of incorrect attitudes received in childhood from our parents. Such attitudes greatly prevent us from building normal relationships with people around us, and at the same time, these attitudes are not easy to get rid of, since they are not realized, but are in our subconscious. If the subconscious psychological attitude turns out to be quite deep, we do not just expect certain actions from the people around us - we ourselves unconsciously provoke them to these actions! Consider, for example, a common situation when an outwardly pretty woman is fantastically unlucky in her personal life - men constantly leave her. Most likely, in the subconscious of this woman, there is an installation that all men are scoundrels and traitors, from whom nothing good can be expected. And the poor thing, without realizing it, behaves in such a way that the next gentleman will eventually leave her. In psychology, this phenomenon is called projective identification - the subconscious provocation of a partner to a certain behavior in accordance with one's own expectations.

From ancient times, in addition to the saying about the mote in the eye, another wise saying has come down to our days: “The eyes are the mirror of the human soul.” But in order to look into the eyes of another person, we could see and examine his soul, our own eyes must be clean and not clouded by negativity and prejudices. Therefore, in order for fewer problems to arise in life, and for the surrounding reality to please more often, it is useful at least sometimes to look not only into someone else's soul, but also into one's own, and periodically clean it of all debris - envy, jealousy, hatred and resentment. Padding around the form

Question to the psychologist:

Hello dear psychologists! My problem is that I can't befriend anyone because I don't think anyone is the right person to be my friend.

I would like to have my best friends again, but lately I've been noticing that everyone annoys me. I study at the university, I have a few good friends, but there are always things that I don't like about their lives, and that's why I don't get close to them. For example, one girl has too many friends, she is constantly busy (she is not at home at all) and calls me boring. The other is too quiet, does everything not to be noticed, besides, she eats completely wrong and is proud of it (I adhere to a healthy lifestyle, eat right and play sports).

I cannot find a close person who would lead the same lifestyle as me, who would have a similar attitude. But I suspect that it's not about the people at all, but about me. I'm trying to find some perfect person. But so far I can’t help myself: I don’t want to communicate with people who are not close to me in spirit. My boyfriend says that I should keep it simple and communicate with everyone, so friends will appear. But I don't want to communicate with everyone, I'm not interested, I'm bored. Now I have even begun to notice that I am already better off alone, I do not depend on the opinions of my friends, I go where I want, and so on. It scares me.

In general, since childhood I have been a rather modest person. It is difficult for me to get used to everything new, it annoys me when the usual order is violated. This translates to interacting with people. It's not hard for me to start a conversation first, but I have great difficulty letting people close to me.

How to find friends if it seems that everyone around is not suitable for this role?

The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.

Galina, hello!

How to find friends if it seems that everyone around is not suitable for this role? Start to sort out the reasons - why are they not suitable? And clean them up.

From the examples that you gave, say, in the first case, perhaps the main reason is the subconscious desire to also have many friends? And therefore it is difficult to get close to her, because. Are you afraid to enter into a subconscious competition with her - and lose? Or do you have other heavy feelings for her?

In the second case, a slightly different approach - help her become different, start leading a healthy lifestyle and help her see the delights of another life. And then you will be interested, and she will be grateful to you in the end. It can really bring you closer.

In general, it is not necessary to become best friends only with those who share our views and lifestyle. Completely different views can only bring you closer - after all, in this way you constantly learn something new, different. You are learning something. Or you are affirming the correctness of your thoughts. Perhaps your friend walks next to you, but you just don't recognize him? Try to start looking for their dignity in people. In every person there is something for which you can love him - look for this, not flaws. Concentrate on the game - find 5 things that I like in every person. Start with the simplest - boyfriend and mom. And so on. Until you reach complete strangers in transport or on the street. This will allow you to learn to balance between your good critical view of things and people.

Well, if you want to dive even deeper into the problem, ask yourself how you feel about your shortcomings? How do you deal with them? Perhaps it is difficult for you to accept the minuses of other people, because in yourself you cannot allow them to be at all? And examine your self-esteem. It doesn't look right to you, apparently. But understated or overstated? Find out, analyze. And follow, based on the result.

There are people who cannot find at least one merit in themselves, but instead live contemplating far-fetched shortcomings. How to learn to see your own advantages?

Why do we see only the negative in ourselves? There are several reasons. The first is that in our society it is customary to pay attention to shortcomings, one must demonstrate one's strengths. In order not to see only continuous minuses, one must learn to correctly determine one's own advantages and disadvantages, develop self-esteem in oneself. There are several ways to start treating yourself normally.

Don't make yourself an idol

Now there is an aggravating circumstance - every person with access to the Internet sees photos of ideal people every day. Or rather, those that others consider ideal. When you look at yourself in the mind, a comparison automatically arises. This is especially true for women who immediately begin to look for flaws in themselves, not noticing the obvious advantages.

Stop associating self-esteem with other people's opinions

It is not always worth listening to the advice of the people around you, and even more so to live, focusing on their goals and expectations. Unfortunately, this is what many do. Their choice is based on the opinion of parents, friends, relatives, and the media. They are afraid to defend their point of view. But they take criticism very close to their hearts. If a person speaks extremely negatively about you and your abilities, then he is not satisfied with his life and is simply trying to take out his anger on you. Don't let the spiteful critics change your life. A person with the right self-esteem will not indulge in harsh criticism, but will share with you experience and knowledge that will help you find positive aspects in yourself and gain new ones.

Start seeing yourself positively

You can talk to yourself about your own importance. Or at least think about it. This will help improve self-esteem and change the way you look at yourself. Find an opportunity to say that you are a wonderful person. But at the same time, be honest with yourself. There is a downside here - you will begin to exaggerate the merits and abilities, you will begin to seem arrogant. And only you will know that the point here is not high self-esteem, but the desire to hide your own insecurities.

Pay attention to your strengths

If you could tell yourself that you have a lot of positives, and then believe in it, developing a good attitude towards yourself would be easy. But it is important to take the right actions and deeds. Take a closer look at your reflection - for sure there are not only negative aspects, but also positive ones. If you are not completely satisfied with yourself, start working on it. Go to the gym, start exercising, if the root of the problem is elsewhere, change it. Even if not everyone approves of this approach, do not pay attention to it.

Forgive your weaknesses

Sometimes guilt gets in the way. Giving it up is the only way to get through the situation. Sometimes you can’t live without this feeling, but you shouldn’t get hung up on it, you shouldn’t live with negative thoughts that don’t go away inside. The main thing is not to shift the responsibility to other people. Someone may have influenced your self-esteem, but don't use that as an excuse. It depends only on you whether you can look at yourself with a sober look.

Value your time

Often self-esteem drops due to the fact that you can not spend time properly. You agreed to low-paid work that takes too many hours, and because of this you neglect communication with relatives and self-development - sooner or later you will come to an internal conflict that will provoke psychological problems. Developed self-esteem always requires an adequate reward. If you feel that you are wasting your time, you will lose your inner balance. And this will negatively affect both you and your loved ones. Stop and start appreciating yourself, only in this way you can see the dignity in yourself.

Live in the present

This does not mean that lessons should not be learned from the past. But the past is not worth living. If you don't like today, try to make tomorrow a better impression. Keep a diary in which you record your accomplishments. Did you want to humiliate yourself, get upset because of your unsightly appearance, think that you are not capable of anything? Take out your diary and read what you have written. Think about it - suddenly there was something new that would be worth adding.

It should be important for you to compete only with yourself. Others may not even know about it. And don't expect too much from yourself. You should not constantly supplement the list of requirements, at one point it will become unbearable and will have a bad effect on your self-esteem, constantly reminding you of those things that you have not yet achieved. These things need to be approached measuredly - regularly review the goals in life and try to understand what should be worked on first. Try to treat yourself with more respect than others. Say nice things to yourself every morning. And soon you will find much more advantages than disadvantages.