A life. A.P

Childhood. Who did God give, a son or a daughter? Baptize soon? Big boy! Don't drop it, mom! Ahah! Will fall!! Did your teeth erupt? Does he have goldfish? Take the cat from him, otherwise she will scratch him! Pull uncle by the mustache! So! Do not Cry! Brownie is coming! He already knows how to walk! Get him out of here - he's impolite! What did he do to you?! Poor coat! Well, never mind, we'll dry it! Dropped the ink! Sleep bubble! He's already talking! Ah, what joy! Come on, say something! Almost the cabbies didn't run over!! Get rid of the babysitter! Don't stand in the wind! Shame on you, is it possible to beat such a small one? Do not Cry! Give him a gingerbread man!

adolescence. Come here, I'll flog you! Where did you break your nose? Don't worry mom! You are not small! Do not come to the table, after you! Read! You do not know? Went to the corner! Unit! Don't put nails in your pocket! Why don't you listen to your mother? Eat properly! Don't pick your nose! Did you hit Mitya? Urchin! Read me Demyanov's Ear! What is the nominative plural? Add and Subtract! Get out of class! No lunch! Time to sleep! It's already nine o'clock! He only plays pranks on guests! You're lying! Comb your hair! Get out from the table! Come on, show me your grades! Already torn your boots?! It's a shame to cry so big! Where did you get your uniform dirty? You will not be saved! Unit again? When will I finally stop smacking you? If you smoke, I will kick you out of the house! What is the superlative from facilis? (light? (lat.).) Facilissimus? You're lying! Who drank this wine? Children, they brought the monkey to the yard! Why did you leave my son for the second year? Grandma has arrived!

Youth. It's too early for you to drink vodka! Tell me about the sequence of times! Early, early, young man! In your years, I did not know anything like that! Are you still afraid to smoke in front of your father? Ah, what a shame! Ninochka bowed to you! Take Julius Caesar! Here ut consecutivum? Ah, darling! Leave, barii, otherwise I ... will tell papa! Well, well ... rogue! Bravo, my mustache is already growing! Where? You drew it, not grow! Nadine has a lovely chin! What class are you in now? Agree, papa, that it is impossible for me not to have pocket money! Natasha? I know! I was with her! So is that you? Oh you modest! Let's smoke! Oh, if you only knew how much I love her! She is a deity! I'll finish my course at the gymnasium and marry her! It's none of your business, maman! I dedicate my poems to you! Stop smoking! I get drunk after three drinks! Bis! bis! Braavo! Haven't you read Bourne? Not cosine, but sine! Where is the tangent? Sonya has bad legs! May I kiss? Shall we have a drink? Hooray, finished the course! Sign up for me! Get a fourth! I'm getting married, father! But I gave my word! Where did you sleep?

Between 20 and 30 years old. Borrow me a hundred roubles! Which faculty? I don't care! Why lecture? Cheap though! To Strelna and back! Bis, bis! How much do I owe you? Come tomorrow! What's in the theater today? Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! Yes or no? Yes? Oh my beauty! To the neck! Chelaek! Do you drink sherry? Marya, give me some cucumber pickle! House editor? I don't have talent? Weird! How will I live? Borrow five rubles! In Salon! Lord, shine! I dumped her! Get a tailcoat! Yellow in the corner! I'm already drunk! I'm dying doctor! Get some medicine! Nearly died! Have I lost weight? Yara, right? Worth it! Give me work! You are welcome! Uh... you're lazy! Is it possible to be so late? It's not about the money! No, sir, in money! Shoot!! Sabbat! To hell with everything! Farewell, miserable life! However... no! Is that you, Lisa? My song is already sung, maman! I've already done mine! Give me a seat, uncle! Ma tante (Aunt (French).), the carriage has been served! Merci, mon oncle! (Thank you, uncle! (French).) Haven't I changed, mon oncle? Changed your dog? Haha! Write this paper! Marry? Never! She, alas! -- married! Your Excellency! Introduce me to your grandmother, Serge! You are charming, princess! Old? Fullness! You are asking for compliments! Let me seat in the second row!

Between 30-50 years. Broke! Have a vacancy? Nine no trumps! Seven worms! You to hand over, votre excellence (your excellency (French).). You are terrible, doctor! Do I have a fatty liver? Nonsense! How much these doctors charge! How much is her dowry? Don't love now, love in time! With legal marriage! I can't, my soul, not play! Gastric catarrh? Son or daughter? All in the father! Heh heh heh... I didn't know! Won, my soul! Again, damn it, lost! Son or daughter? All in ... father! I assure you I don't know her! Stop being jealous! Let's go Fanny! A bracelet? Champagne! With rank! Mercy! What should be done to lose weight? Am I bald?! Don't itch, mother-in-law! Son or daughter? I'm drunk, Carolinchen! Let me kiss you, little girl! Again this rascal with his wife! How many children do you have? Help the poor man! What a cute daughter you have! In the newspapers, devils, printed! Go, I'll flog you, you nasty boy! Did you wrinkle my wig?

Old age. Are we going to the water? Marry him, my daughter! Stupid? Full! She dances badly, but her legs are lovely! One hundred rubles for... a kiss?! Oh, you devil! He-he-he! Do you want a grouse, girl? You, son, of that ... immoral! You are forgetting, young man! Pst! pst! pst! I love music! Shyam... Shyam... pansky! "Jester" are you reading? He-he-he! I bring sweets to my grandchildren! My son is good, but I was better! Where are you, that time? I didn't forget you, Emmochka, in my will! Look what I am! Daddy, give me a watch! Dropsy? Really? Kingdom of heaven! Family crying? And she's in mourning! He smells! Peace be upon your ashes, honest worker!

CONFESSION, or OLIA, ZHENIA, ZOYA
(Letter)

You, ma chere (my darling (French.), my dear, unforgettable friend, in your sweet letter ask me, among other things, why I am still not married, despite my 39 years?

My dear! I love family life with all my heart and I am not married only because it was not good fortune for me to get married. I was going to marry 15 times and did not marry because everything in this world, especially my life, is subject to chance, everything depends on it! Chance is a despot. I give several cases, thanks to which I still drag out my life in contemptible loneliness ...

CASE ONE

It was a delightful June morning. The sky was as clear as the purest Prussian blue. The sun played in the river and glided with its rays over the dewy grass. The river and greenery seemed to be showered with expensive diamonds. The birds sang as if by musical notes... We walked along the alley strewn with yellow sand, and with happy breasts inhaled the aromas of the June morning. The trees looked at us so affectionately, whispered something to us, it must have been very good, tender ... The hand of Olya Gruzdovskaya (who is now after the son of your police officer) rested on my hand, and her tiny little finger trembled on my thumb. .. Her cheeks burned, and her eyes ... Oh, ma chere, those were wonderful eyes! How much charm, truth, innocence, gaiety, childlike naivete shone in those blue eyes! I admired her blond braids and the small footprints that her tiny feet left in the sand ...

I devoted my life, Olga Maksimovna, to science,” I whispered, afraid that her little finger would slip off my thumb. - In the future, a professorial department awaits me ... Questions ... scientific questions are on my conscience ... A working life, full of worries, lofty ... like them ... Well, in a word, I will be a professor ... I'm honest , Olga Maksimovna ... I'm not rich, but ... I need a friend who would be with her presence (Olya became embarrassed and lowered her eyes; her little finger trembled) ... who would be with her presence ... Olya! look at the sky! It is pure... but my life is just as pure, boundless...

Before my tongue could get out of this nonsense, Olya raised her head, jerked her hand away from me and clapped her hands. Geese and goslings were walking towards us. Olya ran up to the geese and, laughing loudly, stretched out her hands to them ... Oh, what kind of hands were those, ma chere!

Ter ... ter ... ter ... - the geese began to talk, raising their necks and looking askance at Olya.

Goose, goose, goose! Olya shouted and held out her hand for the caterpillar.

The gosling was smart beyond his years. He ran from Olya's hand to his father, a very big and stupid gander, and apparently complained to him. The goose spread its wings. Naughty Olya reached for another caterpillar. At this time, something terrible happened. The gander bent his neck to the ground and, hissing like a snake, strode menacingly towards Olya. Olya squealed and ran back. Goose after her. Olya looked around, squealed louder and turned pale. Her beautiful girlish face was contorted with horror and despair. It seemed that three hundred devils were chasing her.

I hurried to her aid and hit the gander on the head with my cane. The scoundrel gander managed to pinch her at the end of her dress. Olya with big eyes, with a distorted face, trembling all over, fell on my chest ...

What a coward you are! -- I said.

Beat the goose! she said and wept...

How much not naive, not childish, but idiotic was in that frightened little face! I can't stand, ma chere, cowardice! I can't imagine being married to a craven, cowardly woman!

The gander ruined the whole thing... After reassuring Olya, I went home, and a cowardly idiotic face got stuck in my head... Olya lost all charm for me. I gave it up.

OTHER CASE

Of course you know, my friend, that I am a writer. The gods have lit a sacred fire in my chest, and I consider myself not entitled to not take up the pen. I am a priest of Apollo... Every single beat of my heart, all my sighs, in short, I gave all of myself to the altar of the Muses. I write, I write, I write... Take away my pen and I am dead. You laugh, you don't believe... I swear it is!

But of course you know, ma chere, that the globe is a bad place for art. The earth is great and plentiful, but the writer has nowhere to live in it. A writer is an eternal orphan, an exile, a scapegoat, a defenseless child... I divide mankind into two parts: writers and envious people. The first write, and the second die of envy and build various dirty tricks on the first. I died, I am dying and will die from envious people. They ruined my life. They have taken the reins of government in the writing business into their hands, they call themselves editors, publishers and are trying with all their might to drown our brethren. Damn them!!

Listen...

For some time I courted Zhenya Pshikova. Of course, you remember this sweet, black-haired, dreamy child ... She is now married to your neighbor Karl Ivanovich Wanze (a propos (by the way (French).): In German, Wanze means ... bug. Do not say this to Zhenya she will be offended). Zhenya loved the writer in me. She believed as deeply as I did in my appointment. She lived in my hopes. But she was young! She could not understand the already mentioned division of humanity into two parts! She did not believe in this separation! I didn't believe it, and one fine day we... died.

I lived at the Pshikovs' dacha. I was considered the groom, Zhenya - the bride. I wrote, she read. What kind of critic is this, ma chere! She was fair, like Aristides, and strict, like Cato. I dedicated my works to her... Zhenya liked one of these works very much. Zhenya wanted to see it in print. I sent it to one of the humor magazines. I sent it on the first of July and expected a response in two weeks. July 15 came. Zhenya and I got the desired number. Hastily printed it out and read the answer in the mailbox. She blushed, I turned pale. The following was printed in the mailbox at my address: "The village of Shlendovo. G. M. B-u. You don't have a bit of talent. The devil knows what heaped up! Don't waste your stamps and leave us alone. Do something else."

Well, it's stupid ... Now it's clear that fools wrote.

Mmmmm... - mumbled Zhenya.

What merr-zav-tsy !!! I muttered. -- What's it like? And you, Evgenia Markovna, will now begin to smile at my division?

Zhenya thought and yawned.

Well? -- she said. “Maybe you don’t really have any talent!” They know better. Last year, Fyodor Fedoseevich fished with me for a whole summer, and you keep writing, writing ... How boring it is!

What is it? And this is after sleepless nights spent writing and reading together! After the mutual sacrifice to the Muses... Huh?

Zhenya lost interest in my writing and, consequently, in me. We parted. It couldn't have been otherwise...

CASE THREE

You, of course, know, my unforgettable friend, that I am terribly fond of music. Music is my passion, my element... The names of Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, Mendelssohn, Gounod are not names of people, but giants! I like classic music. I reject operetta as I reject vaudeville. I am one of the most frequent visitors to the opera. Khokhlov, Kochetova, Bartsal, Usatov, Korsov... marvelous people! How I regret that I do not know the singers! If I knew them, I would pour out my soul in gratitude to them. Last winter I especially often went to the opera. I did not go alone, but with the Pepsinov family. Too bad you don't know this cute family! The Pepsins subscribe to the lodge every winter. They are devoted to music with all their hearts... Colonel Pepsinov's daughter, Zoya, serves as an adornment to this lovely family. What kind of girl is this, my dear! Her pink lips alone can drive a man like me crazy! Slim, beautiful, smart ... I loved her ... I loved her madly, passionately, terribly! My blood boiled as I sat next to her. You smile, ma chere... Smile! The writer's love is unfamiliar, alien to you... The writer's love is Etna plus Vesuvius. Zoya loved me. Her eyes always rested on my eyes, which were constantly fixed on her eyes ... We were happy. There was only one step before the wedding ...

But we are dead.

They gave Faust. Faust, my dear, was written by Gounod, and Gounod is the greatest musician. Going to the theater, I decided on the way to declare my love to Zoya during the first act, which I do not understand. The great Gounod wrote the first act in vain!

The performance has begun. Zoya and I retired to the foyer. She sat beside me and, trembling with anticipation and happiness, mechanically played with her fan. In the evening light, ma chere, she is beautiful, terribly beautiful!

The overture, - I declared my love, - led me to some thoughts, Zoya Yegorovna ... So many feelings, so many ... You listen and you crave ... You crave something like this and you listen ...

I hiccupped and continued:

Something so special... Longing for something unearthly... Love? Passion? Yes, it must be... love... (I hiccuped.) Yes, love...

Zoya smiled, became embarrassed, and waved her fan vigorously. I hiccupped. I can't stand hiccups!

Zoya Egorovna! Tell me, I beg you! Do you know this feeling? (I hiccupped.) Zoya Egorovna! I look forward to hearing!

I... I... don't understand you...

I was attacked by hiccups ... It will pass ... I'm talking about that all-encompassing feeling that ... God knows what!

You drink water!

"I'll explain myself, and then I'll go to the buffet," I thought, and continued:

I will say briefly, Zoya Egorovna... Of course, you already noticed...

I hiccupped and bit my tongue out of annoyance at the hiccups.

Of course you noticed (I hiccupped)... You've known me for about a year... H'm... I'm an honest person, Zoya Egorovna! I am a hard worker! I'm not rich, it's true, but...

I hiccupped and jumped up.

You drink water! Zoya advised.

I took a few steps near the sofa, crushed my throat with my fingers and hiccupped again. Ma chere, I was in a terrible position! Zoya got up and went to the bed. I follow her. Letting her into the box, I hiccupped and ran to the buffet. I drank five glasses of water, and the hiccups seemed to subside a little. I smoked a cigarette and went to the box. Zoya's brother got up and gave me his place, a place near my Zoya. I sat down and immediately ... hiccupped. Five minutes passed - I hiccupped, hiccupped somehow especially, with a wheeze. I got up and stood at the door of the box. Better, ma chere, to hiccup at the door than over the ear of the woman you love! Hiccupped. The high school student from the next box looked at me and laughed loudly ... With what pleasure he, the scoundrel, laughed! With what pleasure would I have torn the ear off the roots of that scoundrel milk-sucker! Laughing while the great Faust is being sung on the stage! Blasphemy! No, ma chere, when we were children, we were much better. Cursing the insolent high school student, I hiccupped again... In the neighboring boxes they laughed.

Bis! hissed the high school student.

God knows what! muttered Colonel Pepsinov in my ear. “We could have hiccupped at home, sir!”

Zoya blushed. I hiccupped again and, clenching my fists furiously, ran out of the box. I started walking down the corridor. I walk, I walk, I walk - and I hiccup all the time. What didn't I eat, what didn't I drink! At the beginning of the fourth act, I spat and went home. When I got home, as luck would have it, I stopped hiccuping... I hit myself on the back of the head and exclaimed:

Hiccup now! Now you can hiccup, booed groom! No, you're not booed! You didn't boo yourself, but... you booed yourself!

The next day I went, as usual, to the Pepsinovs. Zoya didn't come out to dinner and told me to tell me that she couldn't see me because of her illness, and Pepsinov kept talking about the fact that some young people don't know how to behave decently in society... Blockhead! He does not know that the organs that produce hiccups are not dependent on volitional stimuli.

Stimulus, ma chere, means engine.

Would you give your daughter if you had one, - Pepsinov turned to me after dinner, - for a man who allows himself to burp in society? BUT? What?

I'd give it…" I muttered.

In vain!

Zoya is dead for me. She couldn't forgive me for hiccups. I died.

Could you also describe the other 12 cases?

I would describe, but ... enough! The veins puffed out at my temples, tears spurted, and my liver tossed... Brothers writers, something fatal lies in our fate! Allow me, ma chere, to wish you all the best! I shake your hand and send a bow to your Field. He, I heard, is a good husband and a good father... Praise be to him! The only pity is that he drinks bitter (this is not a reproach, ma chere!). Be healthy, ma chere, happy and do not forget that you have a most obedient servant

Makar Baldastov.

MEETING SPRING
(Reasoning)

Borea was replaced by marshmallows. A breeze is blowing either from the west or from the south (I recently did not understand enough of the local countries of the world in Moscow), it blows lightly, barely touching the tails ... It’s not cold, and it’s not so cold that you can safely walk in a hat , coat and with a cane. There is no frost even at night. The snow melted, turned into muddy water, running with a murmur from the mountains and hillocks into dirty ditches; it has not melted only in the lanes and small streets, where it rests serenely under a three-inch brown, earthy layer and will rest until May ... In the fields, in the forests and on the boulevards, green grass timidly breaks through ... The trees are still completely bare, but peeking out somehow upbeat. The sky is so glorious, clear, bright; only from time to time clouds come up and let small splashes on the ground ... The sun shines so well, so warmly and so kindly, as if it had a nice drink, a satisfying bite and saw an old friend ... It smells of young grass, manure, smoke, mold, all kinds of rubbish, steppe and something special... In nature, wherever you look, preparations, chores, endless cooking... The bottom line is that spring is flying.

The public, which is terribly tired of spending money on firewood, walking in heavy fur coats and ten-pound galoshes, breathing either hard, cold, or bathhouse, apartment air, joyfully, swiftly and standing on their toes, stretches out their hands towards the flying spring. Spring is a welcome guest, but is it kind? How can you tell? I don't think it's too kind, and it's not too bad either. Whatever it is, they look forward to it.

Poets old and young, the best and the worst, leaving cashiers, bankers, railroad workers and horned men alone for a while, scribble madrigals, dithyrambs, salutatory odes, ballads and other poetic things, singing in them every single spring delights. .. They chant, as usual, unsuccessfully (I'm not talking about those present). The moon, air, haze, distance, desires, "she" - they have in the foreground.

Prose writers are also tuned in a poetic way. All feuilletons, curses and praises begin and end with a description of their own feelings, inspired by the approaching spring.

Young ladies and gentlemen of that ... Suffer mortally! Their pulse beats 190 per minute, the temperature is feverish. Hearts are full of the sweetest forebodings... Spring brings love with it, and love brings with it: "How much happiness, how much torment!" In our drawing, spring holds Cupid on a string. And he does well. And in love, discipline is needed, but what would happen if she let Cupid down, gave him, a rascal, freedom? I'm a serious person, but even all kinds of devilry comes into my head due to the grace of spring smells. I am writing, and in front of my eyes there are shady alleys, fountains, birds, "she" and all that. My mother-in-law is already starting to look at me suspiciously, and my wife is constantly sticking out at the window ...

Medical people are very serious people, but even they do not sleep peacefully... They are choked by a nightmare and have the most seductive dreams. The cheeks of doctors, paramedics, pharmacists burn with a feverish blush. And not without reason! Foul-smelling fogs hover over the cities, and these fogs consist of microorganisms that produce diseases ... Chests, throats, teeth hurt ... Ancient rheumatisms, gouts, and neuralgias are played out. Consumptive darkness-darkness. In pharmacies, the crush is terrible. Poor pharmacists have no time to dine or drink tea. Bertolet's salt, dover's powder, breast spices, iodine and stupid dental products are sold by the pound. As I write, I hear nickels clinking in a nearby pharmacy. My mother-in-law has flux on both sides: freak freak!

Small businessmen, loan savers, practical cannibals, liquids and kulaks dance kachucha for joy. Spring is a benefactor for them too. Thousands of fur coats go to the loan offices to be eaten by hungry moths. Everything warm, which has not yet ceased to be valuable, rushes to liquid benefactors. Don't take a fur coat on loan, you will be left without a summer dress, you will flaunt in the country in beavers and raccoons. For my fur coat, which costs a minimum of 100 rubles, they gave me 32 rubles in a loan.

In Berdichev, Zhitomir, Rostov, Poltava - knee-deep mud. The mud is brown, viscous, smelly ... Passers-by sit at home and do not show their noses into the street: just look that you will drown in the devil knows what. You leave in the mud not only galoshes, but even boots with socks. Go out into the street, if necessary, either barefoot or on stilts, or best of all, don't walk at all. In mother Moscow, to be fair, you can’t leave your boots in the mud, but you will certainly pick up in galoshes. You can say goodbye to galoshes forever only in very few places (namely: at the corner of Kuznetsky and Petrovka, on Truba and almost in all squares). From village to village you will not pass, you will not pass.

Everything is going to walk and rejoice, except for the youths and youths. Young people will not see spring beyond the exams. The whole of May will go to getting fives and ones. For individuals, spring is not a welcome guest.

Wait a little, in 5-6 days, in a lot of a week, the cats will sing louder under the windows, the liquid mud will become thicker, the buds on the trees will become fluffy, the grass will look out everywhere, the sun will bake - and the real spring will set in. Wagon trains with furniture, flowers, mattresses and maids will be pulled from Moscow. Gardeners and gardeners will swarm around... The hunters will start loading their guns.

Wait a week, be patient, but for now, put strong bandages on your chests so that your raging, urgent hearts do not jump out of your chests ...

By the way, how would you like to depict spring on paper? In any form? In the old days, she was depicted as a beautiful maiden pouring flowers on the ground. Flowers are synonymous with joys... Now there are other times, other customs, and another spring. We also depict her as a lady. It does not pour flowers, because there are no flowers and a hand in a muff. She should have been portrayed as skinny, thin, skeletal, with a consumptive blush, but let her be comme il faut! (as it should be (French comme il faut).) We make this concession to her only because she is a lady.

CALENDAR "ALARM CLOCK"
for 1882. MARCH, APRIL

8 Monday Lundi Montag

A great person will be born. An eclipse of the sun, visible only in one city of Bakhmut, Ekater. provinces. On about. Madagascar excitement of minds. The sun reaches its zenith at 7:35 pm. Frost and snow. Nothing special will happen among comets and planets. Yesterday was a new moon. Sun. sun 6h 1m Zach. its 6h 14m. On this day, Autolimed II was defeated by the Persian king Dodon IV (342) and the Judgment of Paris took place.

1) Soup with oranges.

2) Newspaper duck fries.

3) Porridge with burdock oil.

4) Chestnut jelly.

9 Tuesday Mardi Dienstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

The beginning of spring. Young men and virgins, anxiously waiting for happy days, fall ill with nervous palpitations (affectio cordis (heart attack (Lat.)); remedies: kalium bromatum, valeriana (potassium bromide, valerian drops (Lat.) and ice). Fair in the village Voznesensky. There will be no solar eclipse. Thaw and snow. A great writer will be born in Spain who will die on the 7th day after birth. Sun. Sol. 5h 58m Zach. its 6:16. On this day, the revival of the sciences once took place (1441).

1) Pea soup with beans.

2) Roast goose a la Prince Meshchersky

3) Fried lemons with sauce.

4) Kishmish in vinegar.

10 Mercredi Mittwoch Wednesday

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Everyone will be happy. In the city of Lebedyan, Tambov province, a star with two tails and one wing will be visible: a sign of crop failure for potatoes. Freezing. In Algeria, Some cashier will be caught. Fairs: in Alapaevsk, Perm Province. (chintz, wheels, needles, tar and raisins), in Samara, Samara Province. (koumiss, cloth and guitars), and in Rzhev, Tver lips. (plates, knives, forks, salt shakers and snuffboxes). Sun. Sol. 5h 55m Zach. its 6:19. On this day, Pan Tvardovsky died in the tavern "Rome" (1811), and Caesar crossed the Rubicon (54).

1) Little Russian cabbage soup.

2) Fried oysters.

3) Nightingale tongue sauce.

4) Girl's skin.

11 Thursday Jeudi Donnerstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

On K.H.A. road, near the station "Crash!", The train will be covered with snow. Blizzard. In the city of Konotop, Chernigov Province, an impostor will appear, posing as Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark. Astronomers discover something supernatural on the moon. On about. Borneo diphtheria. Sun. Sol. 5h 52m Zach. its 6 hours 21 hours. On this day Antony fell in love with Cleopatra (42), and Alexander Filippovich of Macedon rode Bucephalus on a pilgrimage (312).

1) Soup with wet chicken.

2) Cuttlefish with stuffing.

3) Cancer brains with mushrooms.

4) Belozersky smelt with vanilla.

12 Friday Vendredi Freitag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

There will be a decline in morality in Shanghai. Thaw. Moscow barristers will dream of Themis with long scissors used in Professor Sklifasovsky's clinic to cut off swollen tongues; sworn attorneys will turn pale and feel remorse. There is no fair in Syzran. There is a world flood in Nakhichevan. Through wind in Taganrog. In Shuya, Vladim. lips., an earthquake, which will soon be stopped by the efforts of local authorities. Sun. Sol. 5h 48m Zach. him at 6:24. On this day, in 148, Muzzio Scaevola played his property with a hammer.

1) Electric eel hodgepodge.

2) Piglet with horseradish.

3) Piglet without horseradish.

4) Horseradish without a piglet.

5) Fried pineapples with asparagus.

6) Rosin ice cream.

13 Saturday Samedi Sonnfbend

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

A great person will be born. Gladstone will dine with the king of the Ashanti, and will talk to him about the state of affairs in China; the Ashanti king will answer ambiguously. 25 ships will sink in Bukhara. In Carthage, general bewilderment. All Africans have birthdays. According to the artists of the Maly Theater, this day in the city of Poltava, Poltava province, there will be northern lights. Sun. Sol. 5h 45m Zach. its same 6h 26m. Eruption of Vesuvius at 8h 32m.

1) Consomme with saffron.

2) Boiled pig with Turkish Delight.

3) Bay leaf with gravy.

14 Sunday Dimanche Sonntag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

The board of the K.H.A. railroad will send a messenger to the station "Crash!" find out if the snow that covered the train on the 11th has melted? A great woman will be born. In the edition of "Citizen" eclipse of the sun and drought. In the Tomsk Club there will be a scientific dispute about "which sea is the largest" and "which city is the smallest"? The argument will end in a show of hands and the intervention of the police. Sun. Sol. 5h 42m Zach. its 6h 29m. On that day Othello strangled his wife, Desdemona (1112), and the Lombard king, Authoris, shook the little finger of his bride, the bashful Theodelinda (728).

1) Ivory broth.

2) Peas a la "Jester", on bacon.

3) Acrid with cloves.

4) Laurel-cherry drops with poppy.

Calendar notes

1) All calendars lie, except for ours.

2) The calendar will drag on throughout the year 1882. We started it on March 8th because we foresaw that in January, February and early March absolutely nothing would happen, except for boring Tuesdays, Thursdays, etc. For reasons unknown to the head of the calendar, last February there were not even the 29th and 30th.

3) It would be desirable, as soon as possible, to convene a calendar congress in some city, so that at it:

a) Mr. Stalinsky was present on the Russian side. This latter will indicate to the Congress the motives for which he, Stalinsky, one of the numbers of the late "Kharkov", in 1880, marked the thirtieth of February;

b) Those born on the 29th of February would be present to inquire from Congress whether it is possible for a noble person not to celebrate his birthday every year. Congress will either give the right of annual existence to the said dates, or else indicate the date on which those born on February 29th could celebrate their birthday annually.

5) Two professors of black magic and one professor of white magic are hired to compile the calendar. For the same purpose, the manager of the calendar looks for a somnambulist, or clairvoyant. Salary of the last 1200 rubles. in year.

The head of the "Alarm Clock" calendar is Antosha Chekhonte.

15 Monday Lundi Montag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

There will be no northern lights. In the city of Nizhyn, Poltava province, two Ukrainians will drown in the mud, and in the rest of the cities of the Russian Empire, except for Monday, nothing will happen. On about. Madagascar will be born a great obstetrician. Two Zamoskvoretsky merchants will eat one pood of buckwheat out of boredom and fall ill (the remedy: Ol. ricini (castor oil (lat.).) 300.0 pro dosi (in one go (lat.), Nux vomica (vomit nut ( lat.) and diet). Fairs: in Stockholm, Stockholm province. (Swedish matches, Swedes, cardboard) and in Pinega (smelt and tar). Fog. Sun. Sol. 5h 39m Zach. its 6h 31m. On this day in 132, Menelaus met the Ajaxes in an Athenian club, and the Germans invented a monkey (1201).

1) Spartan soup.

2) Fried drake spleen.

3) Boiled stork.

4) His offal.

5) Gingerbread horses.

16 Tuesday Mardi Dienstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Today on A.B.V. road conductor and switchmen for some reason will be sober. Birthday of Petr Boborykin. Kursk nightingales fly to Kursk from abroad. In some places of the Don region, crops begin. The astronomer Bredikhin in the Mathematical Society will make a report about two Jews he saw on the planet Saturn, who, in his opinion, fled to this planet from military service. Volcanic eruption in Tambov. Collision of a comet with Mr. Lentovsky. Snowflake. Fair: in Makariev, Kostroma Province. (wooden spoons. The proceeds will be 7 rubles 12 k.). Sun. Sol. 5:36 Zach. his is 6h 32m. On this day, Archimedes would have turned the earth over if he had been given a point of support (312).

1) Shchi with carduelis.

2) Oakubosy fries.

3) Siskins with sauce.

4) Breast tea with honey.

5) Ice cream from bullfinches. (This dinner in the book of Mrs. Olga Molokhovets is called the "dinner of choristers".)

17 Wednesday Mercredi Mittwoch

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

In the edition of "Kaluga Gubernia. Vedomosti" there will be a passage of Venus through the disk of the sun. Birthdays: Messrs. Potekhin, Suvorin and the bogatyr Alyosha-Popovich. Blioch will feel a guilty conscience, but he will not return the stolen in this day and in the future. The Moscow Acclimatization Society will award baker Filippov a medal for breeding the best breed of mice and Prussians. On the Moscow-Brest railway e. there will be a collision ... the chief conductor with the head of the station. Sun. Sol. 5:33 Zach. its own 6h 36m. Abstraction. In Berdichev there will be a refraction of light. On this day, the Persian king Kardashon LX was defeated by the commander Kucheleba (803).

1) Consomme with gravy.

2) Goat with currants.

3) Lamb side with porridge.

4) Vermicelli with pasta.

5) Chocolate by Johann Hoff.

18 Thursday Jeudi Donnerstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Gladstone will be angry with the Ashanti king; the Ashanti king will make a heated speech. The "Don Bee" has a hot editorial about the passage of the Israelis through the Red Sea. In Tiraspol, the struggle of the elements. Our subscriber's birthday is 18007. The great ocean will be cleared of ice; opening navigation. Fair in Australia. Cold as hell. Sun. Sol. 5h 30m Zach. it is 6:38 a.m. On this day in the city of Saratov, Saratov province, the murder of Coverleys took place (807; see the drama "The Murder of Coverleys").

1) Daily cabbage soup with great snipes.

2) Pie from Nestle flour.

3) Pea sausage with onions.

4) Lamb's head with ram's brains.

5) Excellent blancmange.

19 Friday Vendredi Freitag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

In the Zoological Garden, three animals will die from "not an aunt." In the circus of Salamonsky, confusion of minds. In the city of Kineshma, six twins will be born from one noble lady, of which all six will eventually become professors of black magic. Earthquake on the moon. Fairs, unfortunately, nowhere. Sun. Sol. 5:27 Zach. its same 6h 41m Snowstorm, snowstorm and winds. On this day Hannibal played checkers with his uncle Hamilcar (303).

1) Lazy Swabian cabbage soup.

2) Sperm whale with stuffing.

3) Vinegar fries.

4) Mushroom pudding.

20 Saturday Samedi Sonnfbend

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Received cap. on vys. to the shooting gallery 5% reg. Anglo-Dull. loan, region Shuysko-Ivan. and Ryazan goat. well. e. The director of a certain bank will be published. Varsh. mountains credit total region and akts. Poti-Tifl. well. e. Cutting coupons at Blioch's office. Birthday of Mr. Lokhvitsky. Fog in the morning. Thaw in the editorial office of Kostroma Vedomosti. Sun. Sol. 5:24 Zach. its 6 hours 43 hours. On this day in 703, the Chinese defeated the Swedes on about. Iceland.

1) Soup with stuffing.

2) Lamb cutlets with filling.

3) Brie cheese with filling.

4) Cancer jelly with filling.

21 Sunday Dimanche Sonntag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Concert in the theater, concert in the Noble Assembly, concert in the arena, etc.: 23 concerts. The day is bright. Blessing of the air. Smells like spring. Fair: in Valdai (Valdai bells, bells). The Ashanti king will dine at Edison's; Edison will speak his mind and resign. On about. Formosa battle of insurgents with emigrants. There is confusion in Rybinsk. Sun. Sol. 5:21 Zach. it is 6:45 a.m. That day, Savonarola predicted to the Moscow attorneys at law the birth of Dr. Lokhvitsky (1708). Weekend. Exit 12 "Alarm clock".

1) Lentils with beans.

2) Stuffing.

3) Gravy.

4) Garnish.

5) Compote from Adam's apples.

Calendar notes

1) Daily events: morning, noon, evening, concerts, fish poisoning, fire, horse-drawn scandal, editorials, a brilliant circus show, commissary process and flat witticism of the book. Meshchersky.

2) To Mrs. Olga Molokhovets: you write to us that our dinners are simply delicious, and ask us to allow you to reprint these dinners in our Gift to Young Housewives. Do me a favor!

4) Petersburg. Editing "Good". Chief cook. - Doesn't fit anywhere. Too bland, rotten and indigestible. Salt and add garlic.

5) To the editors of "Rus". -- Mercy. Kvass is lovely. We recommend. You write that kvass without cockroaches is foreign land. We do not agree with you. You need to strain. Order them to wash the jugs: the smell from them is more pernicious than the West!

22 Monday Lundi Montag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Singers, female singers, drunkards, choir directors, theater organ grinders, and musical contractors stuff their suitcases with gold from the Lent; great joy embraces their great hearts. Strelna is an arevoir (goodbye (French au revoir).) until next winter. The weather is warm: + 6 R. +7.5 C. and 42 F. The editorial secretary of Kaluga Vedomosti will lose his hat. Sun. Sol. 5:18 p.m., zah. its own 6h 48m.

1) La-supe delicacy.

2) Strasbourg cabbage pie.

3) Swan necks with sauce.

4) Vanilla jelly with soy.

23 Tuesday Mardi Dienstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

It smells like spring and the devil knows what. Moscow with the amount of excess water resembles Venice. We recommend boating on the Kuznetsky Most for a charity. Birthday of Misha Evstigneev. Birthday girls our subscribers: 19012 and 13444. Fair in the city of Krasnoborsk, Vologda province. (heck and samovar pipes). Sun. Sol. 5:15 p.m., zah. its 6h 50m. On this day, Diogenes, in the presence of the Chinese envoy, committed indecency (303).

1) Consomme with radish.

2) Cayenne pepper with raisins.

3) Fried fluff.

4) Trout compote.

24 Wednesday Mercredi Mittwoch

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Donetsk Kamennougolnaya railway d., transporting "hares" instead of coal, will be renamed Donetsk-Zaitsevskaya. 121 great people will be born. Fair in Velizh, Vitebsk region. (shafts, chisels and dolls). Zola, Shchedrin and Boborykin, defeated by the arch-crank I. N. Pavlov, will give up writing and go into the grocery trade. Sun. Sol. 5:12 p.m., zah. its same 6h 53m. In the city of Zvenigorod, Moscow province, the fall of sciences and arts. To this day, the Russians, to the surprise of all foreigners, invented the samovar (1402).

1) Sour cabbage soup with pheasant.

3) Gopher fries.

4) Kvass a la "Rus" (strained twenty times).

25 Thursday Jeudi Donnerstag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Good day. Everyone will be happy, except for the book. Meshchersky and Batalin, who are always unhappy. In the city of Syzran, this day will begin the period of pile buildings. "Rus" will begin to be printed with titles. gg. Sadovsky, Musil and Pravdin are transferred to Petersburg. Theater floors are swept and locks cleaned. In the city of Zhytomyr, on the occasion of dirt, the movement of minds has stopped. Sun. Sol. 5h. 9 min., zah. it is 6:55 a.m. On this day in 132, nothing special happened in Portugal.

1) Cabbage soup with parrots.

2) Language with peas.

3) Goose fries.

4) Sugar water.

5) Voditsa.

(This dinner at Mrs. Olga Molokhovets's is called the "Lunch of Lawyers".)

26 Friday Vendredi Freitag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

Mother-in-laws, wives, mothers, aunts and grandmothers bake Easter cakes and Easter, shout, quarrel, demand money from the male sex and drive everyone out of the house. Gentlemen, dandies and cabaleros are walking along Kuznetsky, for tidying at home. Freezing in the morning, but warm in the afternoon. Birthdays: the poet Khrushchov-Sokolnkov, our subscriber 17037 and the late Derzhavin. Fair in the village of Trofimov, London Province. The secretary of the editorial board of Kaluga Vedomosti will find his hat, which was lost on the 22nd. Sun. Sol. 5h. 6 m. his own 6 hours 57 hours. On this day, Alexander Pushkin and Vissarion Belinsky, for their inability to study Russian literature, received one.

1) Ear from starfish.

2) Salanga in Chinese.

3) Shark fries.

4) Lollipops.

27 Saturday Samedi Sonnfbend

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

In kitchens, eggs are painted with harmful and harmless paints. Endless preparations for tomorrow. In laundries, tailoring and madames - smoke yoke. Woe to husbands-caps and respectful sons-in-law: they will wither, running around! The editors will review the latest proofreading and rest on their laurels until Tuesday. In the city of Kineshma, Kostroma Gubernia, due to lack of goods, there will be no fair. Strong sale of penny stamps. Mr. Gladstone's birthday. Sun. Sol. 5h. 3 m. its 7 o'clock. In the city of Arkhangelsk, a blizzard. On this day, the Sirens lured King Odysseus (812) with their singing.

1) A glass of vodka.

2) Daily cabbage soup with yesterday's porridge.

3) 2 glasses of vodka.

4) Piglet with horseradish.

5) 3 glasses of vodka.

6) Horseradish, cayenne and soy.

7) 4 glasses of vodka.

8) 8 bottles of beer. (This lunch is called "journalists' lunch" in all cookbooks.)

28 Sunday Dimanche Sonntag

Outstanding events, meteorology, prophecies, general history, commerce, advice, recipes, etc.:

The day is purely bright, brilliant, longest, most festive ... Ringing, kisses, guests, snacks, drinks. Everyone is walking, except for the postmen, who ... run. The post office will send 106 pounds. business cards. Many drunks, few sober. The strong rest, the weak stick out their tongues from fatigue, signing in front of the strong. The sky is clear, the sky is clear. Lieutenant Akhakhaev, christening with the merchant's wife Baldastova, will scratch the latter's lips with his mustache, which will cause deformity. Sun. Sol. 5 o'clock, zah. his own 7h 2m.

Instead of dinner, the daily, grandiose, colossal, chaotic chewing and swallowing of eggs, hams, Easter cakes, snacks, wines, vodkas et caetera ... They eat until they get heartburn, hiccups and belching. Some get sick with an enlarged stomach.

Calendar notes

1) Employees of the "Alarm Clock", in order to prevent misunderstandings that may occur, sim have the honor to notify that they will christen only with pretty ones, and the head of the "Calendar" - exclusively with blondes."

2) There will be no war between the Spaniards and the Austrians this week.

3) Mr. NN. - You write that the stuffed sperm whale does not fit on the table. Well? Buy yourself a bigger table!

4) Petersburg, the editorial office of "News". - Meat-eater soon. Breed ducks.

5) Such things, reader!

The head of the alarm clock calendar is Antosha Chekhonte.

Outstanding events, meteorology,
prophecy, general history,
commerce, tips, recipes, etc.

29, Monday. - The second day of the holiday. Heartburn, hiccups, belching. (Means of cure: magnesia alba (magnesia (lat.), ol. ricini, diet.)

Resting after yesterday's visits and overeating. There will be neither rain nor snow. There is a lot of traffic on the boulevards. In the Zoological Garden "holiday". Junker bayonet Frantoroznov, examining the list of those who signed yesterday in his anteroom, will not find the name of Lieutenant Akhakhaev and will give himself a word to destroy the latter. Birthday poet M. Yaron. Sun. Sol. 4h 47m, zach. its 7h 5m. On this day, the writer William Shakespeare exclaimed:

Oh women, women! (1640).

30, Tuesday. - A great fool will be born; "Russian satirical sheet" will resign. Workers in printing houses and lithographs are drunk - like insoles, metropolitan pages - like shoemakers. Birthday boy Kifa Mokievich. Krechinsky and Khlestakov left Novoe Vremya to publish their own newspaper, Well-Intentioned Goats. Concert in almost every lane. At the Maly Theater they are giving "Sinichkin". Sun. Sol. 4h 54m, zah. its 7h 7m. On this day the great migration of peoples took place (707), and Kuhner composed a Latin grammar.

31, Wednesday. -- Except for Wednesday and the fair, nothing will happen in the city of Orel, Oryol province. Sun. Sol. 4h 51m, zach. its 7h 10m. On this day, Ephialtes betrayed the fatherland to the Persians (803), Prince Meshchersky first invented The Citizen, Tsitovich learned to write, the city of Batalia was born.

April.

A month with 30 days, 30 nights, 720 hours, 43,200 minutes, 2,592,000 seconds. The month is rainy, foggy and muddy. The grass will grow, the trees will turn green, it will get warmer. Calm in commerce. Marrying out and getting married is not forbidden. Hats are given to janitors and lackeys, and hats are put on their heads instead of caps. Fur coats are rushed into a loan secured. Concerts darkness-darkness; between them, of course, cats predominate. A lot of great people will be born this month. Everyone will be happy and live to be ninety years old. Flea breeding. It's time to think about the cottage!

1, Thursday. - You can fool everyone. Who lies - he follows the custom. We are changing ourselves today and also time. - "To live in this world is very pleasant. Boborykin and Markovich are great writers. Lokhvitsky died. The rate rises every day. We do not live in order to eat, but we eat in order to live" ... And so it's a pity. This is the day of lawyers, newspapers and I. A. Khlestakov. Warmly. Who does not lie, to that in the Maly Theater - "Sinichkin", in the Bolshoi - "Arifa". Boring. Many Masha birthday girls. Sun. Sol. 4h 48m, zah. its 7 hours. On this day, Lucullus ate and drank 400,000 francs (43).

2, Friday. - Everything is going well. Titus are birthdays and rage. Ms. Menter's birthday. In the city of Yaroslavl, there was a scandal: someone punched someone in the face. Woodcocks and great snipes arrive. In the Maly Theater "The city is being abolished", in the Bolshoi "The Maiden of Hell". Eclipses of the sun and moon, visible at the same time in all parts of this world. Sun. Sol. 4h 45m, zah. its 7h 14m Eruption of Etna on Vesuvius. On this day, Ivan Ivanovich quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, and Akaky Akakievich sewed himself a new overcoat (1842).

3, Saturday. - The Sea of ​​Azov will sink in Taganrog mud, the Black Sea will be covered with Odessa dust. Birthdays: the editor of Sovremennye Izvestiya, Mr. Gilyarov, and the late N. I. Krylov. G. Averkiev will begin an eighteen-act drama, in verse, "The Battle of the Russians with the Kabardians." Sun. Sol. 4h 42m, zach. its 7h 17m. Transit of Venus Medicea through the disk of the sun. The moon is visible only at four o'clock in the morning. The nights are dark, starry, quiet. On this day, Nebuchadnezzar, being a beast, ate a pood of hay (813).

4, Sunday. -- Red hill. The height of cheapness. In the passage, the crush is terrible. On this day, you can buy a shirt for 13 kopecks, chintz 2 kopecks. per arsh., a dozen bonnets for 35 kopecks, women's dress for 1 p. etc. You can already get married. Exit 13 No "Alarm clock". Sun. Sol. 4h 39m, zah. its own 7h 20m. You can walk without galoshes. On this day, Agafya Fedosyevna bit off the assessor's ear (1854), Odysseus blew Penelope's suitors (1030), and Sobakevich stepped on the governor's foot.

5, Monday. -- Flooding in the press. The wreaths and tailcoat of the late N. G. Rubinstein will be pledged in the loan. The birthday boy is our colleague, Agafopod Edinitsyn (author of "Rocket of the Five Senses"). In the Bolshoi Theater "Arifa", in the Small Theater "The City is being abolished". Rain in the morning, clear at noon, rain in the evening. Climate change hourly. Sun. Sol. 4h 36m, zach. its 7h 22m. On this day Pythagoras composed Pythagorean pants. (This was all the more fitting since Pythagoras didn't have pants at the time.)

6, Tuesday. - Commemoration of grandparents. Festivities in the cemeteries. There is no fair anywhere. The Turks act like a pig. Gladstone is confused. In Monaco, the mobilization of troops. There is a rain cloud on the political horizon. Famine in London. Sun. Sol. 4h 33m, zah. it is 7:25 a.m. Two husbands, who have gone bankrupt on the cheap, hang themselves. Eternal memory to them! Sarah Bernhardt wants a divorce. On this day Alibemelech, the king of Nicomedia, fought with the theater dealers.

7, Wednesday. - Birthday girls are all Akulins. Sarah Bernhardt marries a black man. At the Bolshoi Theater "The Virgin of Hell", at the Maly Theater "L.G. Sinichkin". In the city of Slavyanoserbsk, there is unrest among composers. Sun. Sol. at 4:30 a.m., zah. its 7h 37m full moon. There will be no rain: you can walk without galoshes. On this day (in 1843) Pulcheria Ivanovna died.

8, Thursday. -- The Sun enters Capricorn at 7:30 AM. Birthday girls are all Pavselins. In Okhotny Ryad, hunters who went hunting yesterday and the day before yesterday are buying game. In the Bolshoi Theater "Arifa", in the Small Theater "The City is being abolished". Lentovsky goes to America in the morning and back in the evening. Sun. Sol. 4:27 p.m., zah. his own 7:30 am. In Krasnoyarsk, presentation of a thank-you note to the artist, Mr. Yukhantsev. On this day, the first spot appeared on the sun (18), and Archimedes shouted: Eureka!!!

9, Friday. - A minimum passes through the Moscow River. The leading article of "Modern" frightens with a bogey. At the Bolshoi Theater "The Virgin of Hell", at the Maly Theater "L.G. Sinichkin". In Slavyansk the beginning of the season. Sun. Sol. 4h 24m, zah. it is 7:32 a.m. In the city of Volokolamsk, the end of the period of piled buildings. On this day, Xanthippe poured a tub of slop on the clever head of Socrates, who said: "I only know that I know nothing!"

10, Saturday. - All Africans and Zinons have birthdays. Sarah Bernhardt wants a divorce. In the city of Nakhichevan, a mixture of languages. In the Bolshoi Theater "Arifa", in the Small Theater "The City is being abolished". Fair in Paris. (The works of Ponson de Terail, lace and these ladies. The proceeds will be 1,000,005 francs.) Sunrise. Sol. 4:21 p.m., zah. its 7h 35m Rainbow. From the sleeve of Mr. Gaiman, Beelzebub will jump out and frighten the public. On this day, the first tailor was born (12).

11, Sunday - Babies, children and young men crammed and turn pale at the thought of exams. The Turks hire Mr. Lokhvitsky. In the edition of "Citizen" the introduction of corporal punishment. At the Bolshoi Theater "The Virgin of Hell", at the Maly Theater "L.G. Sinichkin". Sarah Bernhardt marries assistant secretary of the Chinese embassy. Sun. Sol. 4:19 p.m., zah. its 7h 37m. In the south, lilac blossoms. On this day, the Marquise de Pompadour was born.

Notes

1) There was no calendar in the last issue due to the grace of our professors of black magic who were drunk.

2) The head of the calendar invites a knowledgeable, sober and philanthropic historian for joint paperwork. The historian, who accepted the invitation, deigns to apply in writing to the name of the head. For each event reported by him - a nickel in hard cash.

3) To Mrs. N.N. You ask what you should do so that your husband does not constantly stick around in the kitchen and interfere with your cooking? Here's what you do: calculate the cook ... She must be pretty with you?

G. Baldastov is in charge of the "Alarm clock" calendar.

GREEN SPIDER*

(Little novel)

* To a drawing by the artist Chekhov.

On the shores of the Black Sea, in a place that is listed in my diary and in the diaries of my heroes and heroines as "Green Scythe", there is a lovely summer house. From the point of view of an architect, lovers of everything strict, finished, having a style, perhaps this dacha is no good, but from the point of view of a poet, an artist, it is a wondrous charm. I like her for her humble beauty, for the fact that her beauty does not crush the surrounding beauty, for the fact that neither the coldness of marble nor the importance of the columns emanates from her. She looks kindly, warmly, romantically... Because of the slender silvery poplars, with her turrets, spitz, notches, poles, she looks like something medieval. When I look at it, I recall sentimental German novels with their knights, castles, PhDs, mysterious countesses... This dacha stands on a mountain; around the dacha there is a dense, dense garden with alleys, fountains, greenhouses, and below, under the mountain, a harsh blue sea ... wonderful place!

The hostess of the dacha is the wife of either a Georgian or a Circassian prince, Marya Egorovna Mikshadze, a lady of about 50, tall, plump, and at the time she undoubtedly had a reputation for beauty. She is a kind, sweet, hospitable lady, but too strict. However, not strict, but capricious ... She fed us excellently, gave us excellent water, borrowed money to the fullest extent and at the same time tormented us terribly. Etiquette is her forte. That she is the prince's wife is another strong point of hers. Skating on these two skates, she always and terribly overdosed. She never smiles, for example, probably because she considers it indecent for herself and for grandes-dames in general. Who is younger than her at least one year, that sucker. Nobility, in her opinion, is a virtue, before which everything else is the most nonsense nonsense. She is the enemy of frivolity and frivolity, loves silence, etc., etc. Sometimes we could hardly endure this lady. If it were not for her daughter, then, perhaps, we would hardly delight ourselves now with memories of the Green Spit. A kind woman is the grayest spot in our memories. The decoration of the Green Spit is the daughter of Marya Yegorovna, Olya. Olya is a small, slender, pretty blonde about 19 years old. She is lively and not stupid. She draws well, studies botany, speaks excellent French, bad German, reads a lot and dances, like Terpsichore herself. She studied music at the conservatory and plays very well. We men loved this blue-eyed girl, we didn't "fell in love", we loved her. She was something native for all of us, our own ... The Green Spit without her is unthinkable for us. Without her, the poetry of the Green Spit would be incomplete. She is a pretty female figure in a pretty landscape, and I don't like pictures without human figures. The splashing of the sea and the whisper of the trees are good in themselves, but if soprano Olya joins them with the accompaniment of our basses, tenors and piano, then the sea and the garden become an earthly paradise ... We loved the princess; otherwise it could not be. We called her the daughter of our regiment. And Olya loved us. She gravitated towards our male company and only among us felt herself in her native element. When we were not near her, she lost weight and stopped singing. Our company consists of guests, summer residents of Zelenaya Kosa, and neighbors. The former include: Dr. Yakovkin, Odessa newspaperman Mukhin, master of physics (now associate professor) Fiveysky, three students, the artist Chekhov, one Kharkov baron-lawyer, and I, Olya’s former tutor (who taught her to speak German badly and to catch goldfinches). Every year in May we used to come to Zelenaya Kos and seize the extra rooms of the medieval castle and all the outbuildings for the whole summer. Every March we were invited to Zelenaya Kosa by two letters: one important, strict, full of notations - from the princess, the other very long, cheerful, full of all kinds of projects - from the princess who missed us. We came and stayed until September. The neighbors who came to us every day were the retired artillery lieutenant Yegorov, a young man who twice passed the exam for the Academy and failed twice, a very developed, well-read fellow; the medical student Korobov with his wife Ekaterina Ivanovna, the landowner Aleutov and a great many landowners, retired, non-retired, cheerful and boring, varmints and brandakhlysts ... This whole gang endlessly, day and night, all summer, ate, drank, played, sang, let off fireworks, joked ... Olya loved this gang without memory. She screamed, twirled and made the most noise. She was the soul of the company.

Every evening the princess called us into the drawing-room and, with a purple face, reproached us for our "unscrupulous" behavior, shamed us and swore that, by our grace, she had a headache. She loved to lecture; read them sincerely and was deeply convinced that her lectures would serve us well. Olya got the most from her. In her opinion, Olya was to blame for everything. Olya was afraid of her mother. She idolized her and listened to her lectures standing, silently, blushing. The princess considered Olya a child. She put her in a corner, left her without breakfast, without dinner. Standing up for Olya meant adding fuel to the fire. If it were possible, then she would put us in a corner. She sent us to the Vespers, ordered us to read the "Cheti-Minei" aloud, counted our linen, interfered in our affairs ... Every now and then we brought her scissors somewhere, forgot where her spirit was, we did not know how to find her a thimble.

Razinya! she kept screaming. - Passed by, dropped it and do not pick it up! Pick it up! Now lift up! God punished me with you... Get away from me! Don't stand in the wind!

Sometimes, for fun, one of us is guilty of something and, upon a report, is called to the old woman.

Did you step into the garden? the trial begins. - How dare you?

I accidentally...

Be quiet! How dare you, I ask you?

The trial ended with a pardon, a kiss on the hand, and, upon leaving the judge's room, with Homeric laughter. The princess has never been affectionate with us. She speaks affectionate words only to old women and small children.

I never saw her smile. The old general, who came to her on Sundays to play picket, she assured in a whisper that we, doctors, masters, partly barons, artists, writers, would have died without her mind-reason ... We did not try to dissuade her .. Let them, they thought, amuse themselves ... The princess would be tolerable if she didn’t demand that we get up no later than eight o’clock and go to bed no later than 12. Poor Olya went to bed at 11 o’clock. Yes, and we mocked the old woman for this illegal encroachment on our freedom! We went in a crowd to ask her forgiveness, composed congratulatory verses of the Lomonosov style for her, drew the heraldic tree of the princes Mikshadze, etc. The princess took all this at face value, and we laughed. The princess loved us. She sighed deeply, very sincerely, when she expressed her regret to us that we were not princes. She got used to us like children...

She did not like only Lieutenant Yegorov. She hated him with all her soul, harbored the most impossible antipathy towards him. She accepted him only because she had money dealings with him and was etiquette. The lieutenant used to be her favorite. He is handsome, successfully witty, is silent a lot and is a military man (the princess highly appreciated this). But sometimes he finds something on Yegorov ... He sits down, props his head with his fists and begins to slander terribly. He curses everyone and everything, sparing neither the living nor the dead. The princess lost her temper and drove us all out of the rooms when he began to speak evil words.

One day at dinner, Yegorov propped his head on his fist and started talking about the Caucasian princes, to the village or to the city, then he pulled out the Dragonfly from his pocket and had the audacity to read the following in the presence of Princess Mikshadze: "Tiflis is a good city. Among the advantages of a beautiful city - in to which the "princes" even sweep the streets and clean their boots in hotels - belongs to ... "etc. The princess got up from the table and silently left. She hated Yegorov even more strongly when he wrote our surnames next to our names in her memorial. This hatred was all the more undesirable and inopportune, since the lieutenant dreamed of marrying Olya, and Olya was in love with the lieutenant. The lieutenant dreamed terribly, although he had little faith in the fulfillment of his dreams. Olya loved secretly, furtively, to herself, timidly, barely noticeable ... Love for her was contraband, a feeling on which a cruel veto was imposed (prohibition (lat.).). She was not allowed to love.

In a medieval castle, one of the stupid medieval stories almost played out.

About seven years ago, when Prince Mikshadze was still alive, Prince Chaikhidzev, a Yekaterinoslav landowner, friend and friend of Mikshadze, came to visit Zelenaya Kosa. This was a very rich man. He spent his whole life reveling, wildly reveling, and, despite this, until the end of his days he was a rich man. Mikshadze during it was his drinking companion. Together with Mikshadze, he took away a girl from her parents' house, who later became Princess Chaikhidzeva. This circumstance connected both princes with the strongest bonds of friendship. Chaikhidzev came to stay with his son, a goggle-eyed, narrow-chested, dark-haired young man, a schoolboy. Chaikhidzev's first duty was to remember the old days and go on a spree with Mikshadze, while the young man courted Olya, a thirteen-year-old girl. The courtship was noticed. The parents winked and noticed that the young man and Olya would make a good couple. The drunken princes ordered the children to kiss, shook hands, and kissed themselves. Mikshadze even wept with emotion. - So please God! Chaikhidzev said. - You have a daughter, I have a son ... So please God!

The children were given a ring each and removed on one card. This card hung in the hall and haunted Egorov for a long time. She was the target of countless jokes. Princess Marya Yegorovna importantly blessed the future spouses. She liked the idea of ​​her fathers out of boredom. A month after the departure of the Chaikhidzevs, Olya received a luxurious gift in the mail. She received such gifts every year. Young Chaikhidzev took a serious look at the matter beyond expectation. It was a rather limited fellow. He annually came to the Green Spit and stayed for a whole week, and all the time he was silent and sent love letters to Olya from his room. Olya read the letters

Written in 1882. First published in the journal "Budilnik", 1882, No. 9 (censored cut February 26), p. 106. Signed: Antosha Chekhonte.

Published by: Chekhov A.P. Complete works and letters: In 30 volumes / USSR Academy of Sciences. Institute of world literature. them. A. M. Gorky; Editors: N. F. Belchikov (Chief Editor), D. D. Blagoi, G. A. Byaly, A. S. Myasnikov, L. D. Opulskaya (Deputy Chief Editor), A. I Revyakin, M. B. Khrapchenko. - M.: Nauka, 1974-1983.

Childhood. Who did God give, a son or a daughter? Baptize soon? Big boy! Don't drop it, mom! Ahah! Will fall!! Did your teeth erupt? Does he have goldfish? Take the cat from him, otherwise she will scratch him! Pull uncle by the mustache! So! Do not Cry! Brownie is coming! He already knows how to walk! Get him out of here - he's rude! What did he do to you?! Poor coat! Well, never mind, we'll dry it! Dropped the ink! Sleep bubble! He's already talking! Ah, what joy! Come on, say something! Almost the cabbies didn't run over!! Get rid of the babysitter! Don't stand in the wind! Shame on you, is it possible to beat such a small one? Do not Cry! Give him a gingerbread man!

Adolescence. Come here, I'll flog you! Where did you break your nose? Don't worry mom! You are not small! Do not come to the table, after you! Read! You do not know? Went to the corner! Unit! Don't put nails in your pocket! Why don't you listen to your mother? Eat properly! Don't pick your nose! Did you hit Mitya? Urchin! Read me Demyanov's Ear! What is the nominative plural? Add and Subtract! Get out of class! No lunch! Time to sleep! It's already nine o'clock! He only plays pranks on guests! You're lying! Comb your hair! Get out from the table! Come on, show me your grades! Already torn your boots?! It's a shame to cry so big! Where did you get your uniform dirty? You will not be saved! Unit again? When will I finally stop smacking you? If you smoke, I will kick you out of the house! What is the superlative from facilis? (1) Facilissimus? You're lying! Who drank this wine? Children, they brought the monkey to the yard! Why did you leave my son for the second year? Grandma has arrived!

Youth. It's too early for you to drink vodka! Tell me about the sequence of times! Early, early, young man! In your years, I did not know anything like that! Are you still afraid to smoke in front of your father? Ah, what a shame! Ninochka bowed to you! Take Julius Caesar! Is it ut consecutivum? (2) Ah, my dear! Leave, sir, otherwise I ... I'll tell papa! Oh well ... rogue! Bravo, my mustache is already growing! Where? You drew it, not grow! Nadine has a lovely chin! What class are you in now? Agree, papa, that it is impossible for me not to have pocket money! Natasha? I know! I was with her! So is that you? Oh you modest! Let's smoke! Oh, if you only knew how much I love her! She is a deity! I'll finish my course at the gymnasium and marry her! It's none of your business, maman! I dedicate my poems to you! Stop smoking! I get drunk after three drinks! Bis! bis! Braavo! Haven't you read Born? (3) Not cosine, but sine! Where is the tangent? Sonya has bad legs! May I kiss? Shall we have a drink? Hooray, finished the course! Sign up for me! Get a fourth! I'm getting married, father! But I gave my word! Where did you sleep?

Between 20 and 30 years old. Borrow me a hundred roubles! Which faculty? I don't care! Why lecture? Cheap though! To Strelna (4) and back! Bis, bis! How much do I owe you? Come tomorrow! What's in the theater today? Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! Yes or no? Yes? Oh my beauty! To the neck! Chelaek! Do you drink sherry? Marya, give me some cucumber pickle! House editor? I don't have talent? Weird! How will I live? Borrow five rubles! In Salon! Lord, shine! I dumped her! Get a tailcoat! Yellow in the corner! I'm already drunk! I'm dying doctor! Get some medicine! Nearly died! Have I lost weight? Yara, right? Worth it! Give me work! You are welcome! uh ... you are lazy! Is it possible to be so late? It's not about the money! No, sir, in money! Shoot!! Sabbat! To hell with everything! Farewell, miserable life! However ... No! Is that you, Lisa? My song is already sung, maman! I've already done mine! Give me a seat, uncle! Ma tante(5), the carriage has arrived! Merci, mon oncle!(6) Haven't I changed, mon oncle? Changed your dog? Haha! Write this paper! Marry?

Never! She, alas! - married! Your Excellency! Introduce me to your grandmother, Serge! You are charming, princess! Old? Fullness! You are asking for compliments! Let me seat in the second row!

Between 30-50 years. Broke! Have a vacancy? Nine no trumps! Seven worms! To you to hand over, votre excellence(7). You are terrible, doctor! Do I have a fatty liver? Nonsense! How much these doctors charge! How much is her dowry? Don't love now, love in time! With legal marriage! I can't, my soul, not play! Gastric catarrh? Son or daughter? All in the father! Hehehehe ... didn't know! Won, my soul! Again, damn it, lost! Son or daughter? All in ... father! I assure you I don't know her! Stop being jealous! Let's go Fanny! A bracelet? Champagne! With rank! Mercy! What should be done to lose weight? Am I bald?! Don't itch, mother-in-law! Son or daughter? I'm drunk, Carolinchen! Let me kiss you, little girl! Again this rascal with his wife! How many children do you have? Help the poor man! What a cute daughter you have! In the newspapers, devils, printed! Go, I'll flog you, you nasty boy! Did you wrinkle my wig?

Old age. Are we going to the water? Marry him, my daughter! Stupid? Full! She dances badly, but her legs are lovely! One hundred rubles for ... kiss?! Oh, you devil! He-he-he! Do you want a grouse, girl? You, son, ... immoral! You are forgetting, young man! Pst! pst! pst! I love music! Shyam ... Shyam ... pansky! Do you read "Jester"? (8) He-he-he! I bring sweets to my grandchildren! My son is good, but I was better! Where are you, that time? I didn't forget you, Emmochka, in my will! Look what I am! Daddy, give me a watch! Dropsy? Really? Kingdom of heaven! Family crying? And she's in mourning! He smells! Peace be upon your ashes, honest worker!

Notes

1) light? (lat.).

2) ...ut consecutive?- In Latin, a grammatical phrase used in a subordinate clause of a consequence.

3) ... did not read Bourne? The German novelist Georg Fühlborn (1837-1902) published under this pseudonym. In 1882, his historical novel "Eugene, or Secrets of the French Court" appeared in Russian translation.

4) To Strelna ~ In Salon! ~ To Yar ... - Strelna and Yar - Moscow suburban restaurants. About the Salon de Variety, a nighttime entertainment establishment in Moscow.

5) Aunt (French).

6) Thank you, uncle! (French).

7) Your Excellency (French).

eight) " Jester» are you reading?- "Joke. An art magazine with cartoons" began to appear in St. Petersburg in 1879. It was filled with anecdotes, "family" scenes and frivolous drawings. Publisher-editor - D. A. Esipov.

Childhood.
Who did God give, a son or a daughter? Baptize soon? Big boy! Don't drop it, mom! Ahah! Fall down!! Did your teeth erupt? Does he have goldfish? Take the cat from him, otherwise she will scratch him! Pull uncle by the mustache! So! Do not Cry! Brownie is coming! He already knows how to walk! Get him out of here - he's impolite! What did he do to you?! Poor coat! Well, never mind, we'll dry it! Dropped the ink! Sleep bubble! He's already talking! Ah, what joy! Come on, say something! Almost the cabbies didn't run over!! Get rid of the babysitter! Don't stand in the wind! Shame on you, is it possible to beat such a small one? Do not Cry! Give him a gingerbread man!

Adolescence.
Come here, I'll flog you! Where did you break your nose? Don't worry mom! You are not small! Do not come to the table, after you! Read! You do not know? Went to the corner! Unit! Don't put nails in your pocket! Why don't you listen to your mother? Eat properly! Don't pick your nose! Did you hit Mitya? Urchin! Read me Demyanov's Ear! What is the nominative plural? Add and Subtract! Get out of class! No lunch! Time to sleep! It's already nine o'clock! He only plays pranks with guests! You're lying! Comb your hair! Get out from the table! Come on, show me your grades! Already torn your boots?! It's a shame to cry so big! Where did you get your uniform dirty? You will not be saved! Unit again? When will I finally stop smacking you? If you smoke, I will kick you out of the house! What is the superlative from facilis? Facilissimus? You're lying! Who drank this wine? Children, they brought the monkey to the yard! Why did you leave my son for the second year? Grandma has arrived!

Youth.
It's too early for you to drink vodka! Tell me about the sequence of times! Early, early, young man! In your years, I did not know anything like that! Are you still afraid to smoke in front of your father? Ah, what a shame! Ninochka bowed to you! Take Julius Caesar! Here ut consecutivum? Ah, darling! Leave it, master, otherwise I ... will tell papa! Well, well ... rogue! Bravo, my mustache is already growing! Where? You drew it, not grow! Nadine has a lovely chin! What class are you in now? Agree, papa, that it is impossible for me not to have pocket money! Natasha? I know! I was with her! So is that you? Oh you modest! Let's smoke! Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! She is a deity! I'll finish my course at the gymnasium and marry her! It's none of your business, maman! I dedicate my poems to you! Stop smoking! I get drunk after three drinks! Bis! bis! Braavo! Haven't you read Bourne? Not cosine, but sine! Where is the tangent? Sonya has bad legs! May I kiss? Shall we have a drink? Hooray, finished the course! Sign up for me! Get a fourth! I'm getting married, father! But I gave my word! Where did you sleep?

Between 20 and 30 years old.
Borrow me a hundred roubles! Which faculty? I don't care! How much is the lecture? Cheap though! To Strelna and back! Bis, bis! How much do I owe you? Come tomorrow! What's in the theater today? Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! Yes or no? Yes? Oh my beauty! To the neck! Chelaek! Do you drink sherry? Marya, give me some cucumber pickle! House editor? I don't have talent? Weird! How will I live? Borrow five rubles! In Salon! Lord, shine! I threw it away! Get a tailcoat! Yellow in the corner! I'm already drunk! I'm dying doctor! Get some medicine! Nearly died! Have I lost weight? Yara, right? Worth it! Give me work! You are welcome! Uh... you're lazy! Is it possible to be so late? It's not about the money! No, sir, in money! Shoot!! Sabbat! To hell with everything! Farewell, miserable life! However... no! Is that you, Lisa? My song is already sung, maman! I've already done mine! Give me a seat, uncle! Ma tante, the carriage has arrived! Merci, mon oncle! Haven't I changed, mon oncle? Changed your dog? Haha! Write this paper! Marry? Never! She, alas! - married! Your Excellency! Introduce me to your grandmother, Serge! You are charming, princess! Old? Fullness! You are asking for compliments! Let me seat in the second row!

Between 30 - 50 years.
Broke! Have a vacancy? Nine no trumps! Seven worms! You surrender, votre excellence. You are terrible, doctor! Do I have a fatty liver? Nonsense! How much these doctors charge! How much is her dowry? Don't love now, love in time! With legal marriage! I can't, my soul, not play! Gastric catarrh? Son or daughter? All in the father! Heh heh heh... I didn't know! Won, my soul! Again, damn it, lost! Son or daughter? All in ... father! I assure you I don't know her! Stop being jealous! Let's go Fanny! A bracelet? Champagne! With rank! Mercy! What should be done to lose weight? Am I bald?! Don't itch, mother-in-law! Son or daughter? I'm drunk, Carolinchen! Let me kiss you, little girl! Again this rascal with his wife! How many children do you have? Help the poor man! What a cute daughter you have! In the newspapers, devils, printed! Go, I'll flog you, you nasty boy! Did you wrinkle my wig?

Old age.
Are we going to the water? Marry him, my daughter! Stupid? Full! She dances badly, but her legs are lovely! One hundred rubles for... a kiss?! Oh, you bastard! He-he-he! Do you want a grouse, girl? You, son, of that ... immoral! You are forgetting, young man! Pst! pst! pst! I love music! Shyam... Shyam... pansky! "Jester" are you reading? He-he-he! I bring sweets to my grandchildren! My son is good, but I was better! Where are you, that time? I didn't forget you, Emmochka, in my will! Look what I am! Daddy, give me a watch! Dropsy? Really? Kingdom of heaven! Family crying? And she's in mourning! He smells! Peace be upon your ashes, honest worker!

"LIFE IN QUESTIONS AND EXCLAMATIONS"

Who did God give, a son or a daughter? Baptize soon? Big boy! Don't drop it, mom! Ahah! Will fall!! Did your teeth erupt? Does he have goldfish? Take the cat from him, otherwise she will scratch him! Pull uncle by the mustache! So! Do not Cry! Brownie is coming! He already knows how to walk! Get him out of here - he's impolite! What did he do to you?! Poor coat! Well, never mind, we'll dry it! Dropped the ink! Sleep bubble! He's already talking! Ah, what joy! Come on, say something! Almost the cabbies didn't run over!! Get rid of the babysitter! Don't stand in the wind! Shame on you, is it possible to beat such a small one? Do not Cry! Give him a gingerbread man!

Come here, I'll flog you! Where did you break your nose? Don't worry mom! You are not small! Do not come to the table, after you! Read! You do not know? Went to the corner! Unit! Don't put nails in your pocket! Why don't you listen to your mother? Eat properly! Don't pick your nose! Did you hit Mitya? Urchin! Read me Demyanov's Ear! What is the nominative plural? Add and Subtract! Get out of class! No lunch! Time to sleep! It's already nine o'clock! He only plays pranks on guests! You're lying! Comb your hair! Get out from the table! Come on, show me your grades! Already torn your boots?! It's a shame to cry so big! Where did you get your uniform dirty? You will not be saved! Unit again? When will I finally stop smacking you? If you smoke, I will kick you out of the house! What is the superlative from facilis? (light? (lat.).) Facilissimus? You're lying! Who drank this wine? Children, they brought the monkey to the yard! Why did you leave my son for the second year? Grandma has arrived!

It's too early for you to drink vodka! Tell me about the sequence of times! Early, early, young man! In your years, I did not know anything like that! Are you still afraid to smoke in front of your father? Ah, what a shame! Ninochka bowed to you! Take Julius Caesar! Here ut consecutivum? Ah, darling! Leave, barii, otherwise I ... will tell papa! Well, well ... rogue! Bravo, my mustache is already growing! Where? You drew it, not grow! Nadine has a lovely chin! What class are you in now? Agree, papa, that it is impossible for me not to have pocket money! Natasha? I know! I was with her! So is that you? Oh you modest! Let's smoke! Oh, if you only knew how much I love her! She is a deity! I'll finish my course at the gymnasium and marry her! It's none of your business, maman! I dedicate my poems to you! Stop smoking! I get drunk after three drinks! Bis! bis! Braavo! Haven't you read Bourne? Not cosine, but sine! Where is the tangent? Sonya has bad legs! May I kiss? Shall we have a drink? Hooray, finished the course! Sign up for me! Get a fourth! I'm getting married, father! But I gave my word! Where did you sleep?

Borrow me a hundred roubles! Which faculty? I don't care! Why lecture? Cheap though! To Strelna and back! Bis, bis! How much do I owe you? Come tomorrow! What's in the theater today? Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! Yes or no? Yes? Oh my beauty! To the neck! Chelaek! Do you drink sherry? Marya, give me some cucumber pickle! House editor? I don't have talent? Weird! How will I live? Borrow five rubles! In Salon! Lord, shine! I dumped her! Get a tailcoat! Yellow in the corner! I'm already drunk! I'm dying doctor! Get some medicine! Nearly died! Have I lost weight? Yara, right? Worth it! Give me work! You are welcome! Uh... you're lazy! Is it possible to be so late? It's not about the money! No, sir, in money! Shoot!! Sabbat! To hell with everything! Farewell, miserable life! However... no! Is that you, Lisa? My song is already sung, maman! I've already done mine! Give me a seat, uncle! Ma tante (Aunt (French).), the carriage has been served! Merci, mon oncle! (Thank you, uncle! (French).) Haven't I changed, mon oncle? Changed your dog? Haha! Write this paper! Marry? Never! She, alas! - married! Your Excellency! Introduce me to your grandmother, Serge! You are charming, princess! Old? Fullness! You are asking for compliments! Let me seat in the second row!

Broke! Have a vacancy? Nine no trumps! Seven worms! You to hand over, votre excellence (your excellency (French).). You are terrible, doctor! Do I have a fatty liver? Nonsense! How much these doctors charge! How much is her dowry? Don't love now, love in time! With legal marriage! I can't, my soul, not play! Gastric catarrh? Son or daughter? All in the father! Heh heh heh... I didn't know! Won, my soul! Again, damn it, lost! Son or daughter? All in ... father! I assure you I don't know her! Stop being jealous! Let's go Fanny! A bracelet? Champagne! With rank! Mercy! What should be done to lose weight? Am I bald?! Don't itch, mother-in-law! Son or daughter? I'm drunk, Carolinchen! Let me kiss you, little girl! Again this rascal with his wife! How many children do you have? Help the poor man! What a cute daughter you have! In the newspapers, devils, printed! Go, I'll flog you, you nasty boy! Did you wrinkle my wig?

Are we going to the water? Marry him, my daughter! Stupid? Full! She dances badly, but her legs are lovely! One hundred rubles for... a kiss?! Oh, you devil! He-he-he! Do you want a grouse, girl? You, son, of that ... immoral! You are forgetting, young man! Pst! pst! pst! I love music! Shyam... Shyam... pansky! "Jester" are you reading? He-he-he! I bring sweets to my grandchildren! My son is good, but I was better! Where are you, that time? I didn't forget you, Emmochka, in my will! Look what I am! Daddy, give me a watch! Dropsy? Really? Kingdom of heaven! Family crying? And she's in mourning! He smells! Peace be upon your ashes, honest worker!

Anton Chekhov - LIFE IN QUESTIONS AND EXCLAMATIONS, read text

See also Chekhov Anton - Prose (stories, poems, novels ...):

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
(TO ATTENDING SUICIDE) Life is an unpleasant thing, but to do it ...

RESIDENT
Brykovich, once engaged in advocacy, and now living without work ...

Childhood. Who did God give, a son or a daughter? Baptize soon? Big boy! Don't drop it, mom! Ahah! Will fall!! Did your teeth erupt? Does he have goldfish? Take the cat from him, otherwise she will scratch him! Pull uncle by the mustache! So! Do not Cry! Brownie is coming! He already knows how to walk! Get him out of here - he's impolite! What did he do to you?! Poor coat! Well, never mind, we'll dry it! Dropped the ink! Sleep bubble! He's already talking! Ah, what joy! Come on, say something! Almost the cabbies didn't run over!! Get rid of the babysitter! Don't stand in the wind! Shame on you, is it possible to beat such a small one? Do not Cry! Give him a gingerbread man!

Adolescence. Come here, I'll flog you! Where did you break your nose? Don't worry mom! You are not small! Do not come to the table, after you! Read! You do not know? Went to the corner! Unit! Don't put nails in your pocket! Why don't you listen to your mother? Eat properly! Don't pick your nose! Did you hit Mitya? Urchin! Read me Demyanov's Ear! What is the nominative plural? Add and Subtract! Get out of class! No lunch! Time to sleep! It's already nine o'clock! He only plays pranks on guests! You're lying! Comb your hair! Get out from the table! Come on, show me your grades! Already torn your boots?! It's a shame to cry so big! Where did you get your uniform dirty? You will not be saved! Unit again? When will I finally stop smacking you? If you smoke, I will kick you out of the house! What is the superlative from facilis? Facilissimus? You're lying! Who drank this wine? Children, they brought the monkey to the yard! Why did you leave my son for the second year? Grandma has arrived!

Youth. It's too early for you to drink vodka! Tell me about the sequence of times! Early, early, young man! In your years, I did not know anything like that! Are you still afraid to smoke in front of your father? Ah, what a shame! Ninochka bowed to you! Take Julius Caesar! Here ut consecutivum? Ah, darling! Leave it, master, otherwise I ... will tell papa! Well, well ... rogue! Bravo, my mustache is already growing! Where? You drew it, not grow! Nadine has a lovely chin! What class are you in now? Agree, papa, that it is impossible for me not to have pocket money! Natasha? I know! I was with her! So is that you? Oh you modest! Let's smoke! Oh, if you only knew how much I love her! She is a deity! I'll finish my course at the gymnasium and marry her! It's none of your business, maman! I dedicate my poems to you! Stop smoking! I get drunk after three drinks! Bis! bis! Braavo! Haven't you read Bourne? Not cosine, but sine! Where is the tangent? Sonya has bad legs! May I kiss? Shall we have a drink? Hooray, finished the course! Sign up for me! Get a fourth! I'm getting married, father! But I gave my word! Where did you sleep?

Between 20 and 30 years old. Borrow me a hundred roubles! Which faculty? I don't care! Why lecture? Cheap though! To Strelna and back! Bis, bis! How much do I owe you? Come tomorrow! What's in the theater today? Oh, if you only knew how much I love you! Yes or no? Yes? Oh my beauty! To the neck! Chelaek! Do you drink sherry? Marya, give me some cucumber pickle! House editor? I don't have talent? Weird! How will I live? Borrow five rubles! In Salon! Lord, shine! I dumped her! Get a tailcoat! Yellow in the corner! I'm already drunk! I'm dying doctor! Get some medicine! Nearly died! Have I lost weight? Yara, right? Worth it! Give me work! You are welcome! Uh... you're lazy! Is it possible to be so late? It's not about the money! No, sir, in money! Shoot!! Sabbat! To hell with everything! Farewell, miserable life! However... no! Is that you, Lisa? My song is already sung, maman! I've already done mine! Give me a seat, uncle! Ma tante, the carriage has arrived! Merci, mon oncle! Haven't I changed, mon oncle? Changed your dog? Haha! Write this paper! Marry? Never! She, alas! - married! Your Excellency! Introduce me to your grandmother, Serge! You are charming, princess! Old? Fullness! You are asking for compliments! Let me seat in the second row!

Between 30 - 50 years. Broke! Have a vacancy? Nine no trumps! Seven worms! You surrender, votre excellence. You are terrible, doctor! Do I have a fatty liver? Nonsense! How much these doctors charge! How much is her dowry? Don't love now, love in time! With legal marriage! I can't, my soul, not play! Gastric catarrh? Son or daughter? All in the father! Heh heh heh... I didn't know! Won, my soul! Again, damn it, lost! Son or daughter? All in ... father! I assure you I don't know her! Stop being jealous! Let's go Fanny! A bracelet? Champagne! With rank! Mercy! What should be done to lose weight? Am I bald?! Don't itch, mother-in-law! Son or daughter? I'm drunk, Carolinchen! Let me kiss you, little girl! Again this rascal with his wife! How many children do you have? Help the poor man! What a cute daughter you have! In the newspapers, devils, printed! Go, I'll flog you, you nasty boy! Did you wrinkle my wig?

Old age. Are we going to the water? Marry him, my daughter! Stupid? Full! She dances badly, but her legs are lovely! One hundred rubles for... a kiss?! Oh, you devil! He-he-he! Do you want a grouse, girl? You, son, of that ... immoral! You are forgetting, young man! Pst! pst! pst! I love music! Shyam... Shyam... pansky! "Jester" are you reading? He-he-he! I bring sweets to my grandchildren! My son is good, but I was better! Where are you, that time? I didn't forget you, Emmochka, in my will! Look what I am! Daddy, give me a watch! Dropsy? Really? Kingdom of heaven! Family crying? And she's in mourning! He smells! Peace be upon your ashes, honest worker!