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Mom knows, mom sees Motherhood is one of the few peak experiences in a woman’s life. Having a child is extremely stressful. Meeting a child is like landing on another planet. Caring for a baby means studying at three universities at once. And immersing yourself in motherhood is everything

Mom's tantrums- a situation not uncommon in our lives filled with stress.

Any mother, even a very calm and patient one, breaks through when fatigue reaches the boiling point. Any little thing can overwhelm her patience. Household members don’t notice how hard it is for her, they think that all she does all day long is watch TV and do nothing. And she, so poor and unhappy, tortured by everyday life, is completely exhausted and no one appreciates her efforts. Such thoughts further aggravate the condition of a tired woman. And in one “wonderful” moment everything comes out: the mother breaks down on the first person she comes across (husband or child). Then your conscience torments you for a long time, but you can’t help but ask for forgiveness: they must understand how hard it is for you. I don’t know a single mother who has had such breakdowns. For some people they pass easier, for others they are more difficult. And I was one of those mothers. By nature I am a calm, non-conflict person. Therefore, I kept all my troubles to myself and believed that I shouldn’t complain about life. Accumulation negative thoughts led to me breaking down. It’s hard to remember something like this, but it happened. She could bark at the children so that they jumped and got scared, she could pour out a ton of negativity on her husband when he didn’t expect it, she could burst into tears “out of the blue.” Anything happened. I understood that I needed to do something with myself before I made my children neurasthenic. Yes, I understood what I was serving bad example children, because for a child his mother is the standard. He absorbs all her actions, all her actions like a sponge, and in the future he will behave the same way with his children. So, this is what my behavior looks like from the outside. The child plays and does his own important matters, dreams, lives in his own world.

Maybe he doesn’t even hear when an adult talks to him, or doesn’t realize what an adult is saying. And then there is an invasion into his world in the form of a loud shout. Poor baby! His first reaction is fear and crying. He doesn’t understand why and why his beloved mother yelled at him, but he played so well. A child is generally a special creature living in his own world. And we, adults, as wiser and more experienced, must help the new creature adapt to our complex world. Instead, we make their lives difficult. This is the disappointing conclusion I came to. I decided to take action. After much searching and studying various materials, I came to the following conclusions.

1. There is no need to focus your attention on the negative. The human psyche is designed in such a way that we remember the bad for a long time, and quickly forget the good. You need to change your consciousness. Some people recommend keeping a success diary: at the end of the day, write down your successful moments for the day. It didn’t work out for me, things somehow go badly with any diaries, so I just state a good moment and praise myself. I also note the negative, but I don’t focus my attention on it. “It happened, oh well!” As they say, nothing lasts forever under the sun.

2. Only we are responsible for our lives, and no one else. People are always looking for someone to blame for their troubles and misfortunes. I broke my heel - the road workers are to blame, I got caught in the rain - the weather forecasters deceived me, my child got sick - the teachers didn’t pay attention. In any situation, a person looks for those to blame. Even in matters that depend only on the person himself, there will always be someone who can be blamed. Of course, it’s always easier to say: it’s my husband’s fault that I can’t do anything, he doesn’t support me; or the boss is to blame for not raising my salary. But only we must understand that what we have in our lives now we did with our own hands. And if I now imagine myself as an eternally screaming mother, nervous and unhappy, then only I myself wanted to become like this, and no one else.

3. You definitely need to let go of negativity in a timely manner. This was probably the most difficult moment for me. It is difficult to find an opportunity to release negativity if you are somewhere on the street. For example, you were rude in a store or anywhere else. How to proceed? Answer? Word after word and now the mood is completely ruined. Keep silent? By grinding everything inside you, you can drive yourself into hysterics. Or you can, for example, let off steam in literally: take it and hiss. No one will pay attention to you, but it will become much easier. Here are the techniques I started using:

If I’m at home, I go to the bathroom, turn on the water and wash, wash, wash my hands. In this case, you can say everything to the water;

If a conflict occurs with a child, and this happens especially often when working with him homework, and I feel like I'm going to explode - I leave the room without any explanation. After a few minutes I return and calmly continue the conversation or explain homework. Sometimes, especially advanced cases When I can’t look at my children calmly at all, I go outside for a walk to get rid of all the negativity;

You can also shake your head from side to side, as if driving away negativity;

You can stomp your feet;

In any case, it helps to remove negativity and avoid hysterics physical activity, be it running, simple exercises, dancing or banal cleaning, it really helps me;

- it also helps if you sing the song loudly and loudly;

You can call a friend or someone close to you, the conversation will distract you from what is happening.

Experiment, I think you will find the most suitable options for yourself.

4. Bring joy into your life whenever possible.. Notice happy moments every day. It doesn’t have to be something grandiose; you can enjoy the first grass, the warm bright sun, the first snowflake, watch animals, play with your pet. Watch the children, they have a lot of reasons to be happy, they will tell you.

5. Doing your favorite hobby helps relieve stress and calm your nerves.. For example, I crochet and generally like to do handicrafts, it really calms me down.

6. You also need to pamper yourself. Don't forget about yourself. You can take a bath, put on makeup just for yourself, dress up at home, drink delicious tea with a piece of dark chocolate. You don’t have to do something material for yourself; you can also improve yourself with little things at home.

7. Have fun with the kids. It's so fun! Crawling races, building a tower to see who is taller, making a “heap of mala”, tickling and hugging! And extinguish your negativity, throw out energy and gain mass positive emotions, and relationships with children will strengthen.

8. If nothing helps at all, then it is better to consult a doctor for a prescription. sedatives(I didn’t go to the doctor for a prescription, I self-medicated: I drank valerian and sedatives, it helped)

After I started doing this, I became much calmer. It's hard to get me off balance. I began to truly enjoy life.

How do you deal with negative emotions?

It will help you find the right article.

Hysterical mom

Hysteria is not a disease, but a character.

Hysteria is the monkey of all diseases.

In fact, we should feel sorry for the hysterical mother. After all, she poisons the life not only of her loved ones, primarily her child, but also of herself. If, fortunately, you yourself do not belong to this type, then, undoubtedly, you have met such people. On the one hand, this is a certain psychotype, but to no lesser extent it is promiscuity and bad upbringing, which in such a family is passed on from generation to generation. After all, a hysterical person always knows perfectly well with whom he can allow a hysteria, and with whom he will never do this. It is unlikely that he will do this in front of his boss, at a government reception, etc. Most likely, he will “save” this pleasure until the moment he returns home.

Mom returns from work. She is greeted by her little daughter.

How were you, daughter, at home alone without me?

Oh, you know, mom, I fell and hurt my knee. It hurt so much, so much pain!

You must have cried a lot?

Not really! After all, there was no one at home...

Hysteria indicates that a person does not have the skill of communication, does not know how to talk, convince, ask or order. Of all the methods of communication, due to the extreme poverty of his “arsenal,” he chose only one, and the most ineffective one. He understands other people poorly and cannot in any way convey to them his demands, feelings, and ideas. In addition, he is fixated only on himself, demands too much attention, and takes little into account the interests of loved ones. People around you should not encourage manifestations of hysteria - this will only benefit everyone, including the initiator of the hysterics.

If your own child is hysterical, your task is to teach him to communicate differently, more “humanly,” more effectively and in an adult way. Surely a psychotherapist has a wide variety of modern means of correcting the psyche and behavior of a hysterical person, both an adult and a child. But there are also old folk remedies that also give very good results.

Such means include, first of all, the advice not to fuss around the “sufferer”, but, on the contrary, to stop paying attention to him. It’s not a bad idea to stand next to him and ask him to scream even louder, bang his head on the floor even harder. It’s a good idea to throw water on him or even “help” him by hitting his head on the floor a couple of times. It's not as cruel as it seems, and it's very effective.

Nowadays, old methods can be somewhat modernized: for example, recording on a videotape or making a sound recording of a hysterical attack and then demonstrating it to the “movie character” himself. Most often, women suffer from hysteria. Seeing how ugly and repulsive they look at this moment, many of them will think and lose the desire to repeat the hysteria again.

A hysterical mother risks disrupting the child’s fragile psyche and making him an inferior person, causing enuresis, stuttering, alienation and self-contempt while she hopes for pity and sympathy. Such things do not pass without a trace (if they ever do), and in old age a hysterical mother may be left without a child, despite his physical existence somewhere far from her. After all, a child is also a person and, in the end, has every right to both fatigue and self-defense.

If you have some doubts about your or someone else’s hysteria, mental stability, vulnerability, then the tests below can come to your aid.

1. Can you tell your loved one openly about your difficulties:

c) sometimes.

2. How do you feel about your grievances and failures:

a) one’s own failures are always the most difficult;

b) it depends on their cause;

c) I treat them philosophically: any troubles will eventually end.

3. What do you do when someone offends you:

a) I try to please myself, to do something that I didn’t allow myself to do before;

Photo: Syda Productions/Rusmediabank.ru

For those who are unlucky

Parents are not chosen, and, perhaps, this is the most unfair thing in the world. Parental love is like a wall, like a fortress, like a support, it is the love of parents that gives us a start in life, and the love of a mother helps us overcome the most difficult moments in life. But if even the mother does not become a support, if even the mother does not love, then how to live further? And, yes, not everyone knows what to answer this question, but just shrug their shoulders, offering to “forgive and understand someone out there.”

There can be incredibly many options for mother-child relationships, including destructive models. Let's look at some of them.

- When the mother is indifferent.

They say that children, especially girls, whose mothers did not show particularly tender feelings towards them, grow up withdrawn and cold. This is true, but on the other hand, on the mother’s side it is not the greatest evil that one can imagine. Usually, girls of such mothers have a difficult time in marriage, but if you understand the problem of lack of love in time, you can solve it without bloodshed.

- When the mother is hysterical and manipulative.

The most terrible, no, perhaps one of the most terrible options, is when the mother and the hysterical woman are synonymous. Today she smothers you in her arms and showers you with kisses, and tomorrow she promises to hang herself if you don’t do what she wants. In the morning she jokes and laughs, and in the evening you call another ambulance because you upset her with your desire to visit a friend. She babysits your child, but an hour later she is sobbing in the kitchen and screaming at your husband because he “looked at her wrong.” Psychologists are sure that almost no one has been able to escape the spell of a hysterical mother. Girls of detailed mothers, as a rule, remain lonely or lonely with children, with whom in 99% of cases they behave the same way as their hysterical mothers.

- When the mother doesn’t love.

Terrible words, a terrible topic, but this is what happens when your own... And almost always the child blames himself for not being loved because he is “bad.” Psychologists are sure that even if we know and feel for sure that our mother does not love us, admitting this to ourselves is the same as desecrating a shrine. My whole life is spent fighting with myself, searching for the reason “why they don’t love me,” trying to win or beg love from my mother, and, of course, nothing good comes from such a situation.

As a rule, the understanding that the mother does not love, or manipulates, or is jealous, or is indifferent to to your own child, comes for this “child” only in adult, conscious age. And most often, when this child grows up and becomes a parent himself. It is precisely then, having experienced in “your own skin” what it is like to love your own child, that conclusions are drawn about the attitude of your own mother towards yourself. And sometimes these conclusions are terrible, sometimes you have to admit that your mother never loved.

Psychologists are sure that with this understanding comes the understanding that “I don’t want to be like my mother” and the woman tries to become the completely opposite option for her child. If at one time she lacked attention from her own mother, then the woman begins to simply “drown” her own children in love and excessive care. If the mother was hysterical and manipulative, then the woman tries to let the children live their own lives as much as possible, being afraid to even ask them for any little thing for themselves.

Psychologists are sure that the more we try not to be like our mother, the more we resemble her without noticing it!

Perhaps, this topic is probably one of the few where no amount of banal advice like “understand and forgive”, “understand and let go”, “be taller and smarter” will help. You can just outwardly pretend or distance yourself from the problem, turning into a cold robot and communicating with your mother in this way, but internal problems they don't decide on this. They just grow like a snowball and at one moment they can destroy everything in their path.

So where does it come out? Experts are confident that the issue of destructive relationships with one’s own mother must be resolved only professional level, i.e. visiting the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist. However, there is a very small category of people who themselves dot all the i’s, but the proportion of such sages is extremely small and, as a rule, they reach the truth only by “eating a pound of raisins” and “having been through all the bad things.”

For those who are lucky

I’ll start with the fact that I didn’t want children for a long time, and, honestly, I won’t say that I loved them very much.

Well, yes, cute little kids, funny, funny, I cuddled my friends’ children and helped in any way I could: sit, change clothes, bathe, feed, walk - absolutely everything was easy for me, the children loved and obeyed me, but the puppyish delight of the “duck-eared” at the sight of the little ones I haven't experienced it. Somehow like this. And I think that it’s quite normal not to pee yourself at the sight of other people’s children.

When I watched the whims of the children of colleagues and friends, I was sure that my child would NEVER be like this: no squeals, rolling on the floor, disobedience, dirty clothes, and on my part, no spanking on the ass, increasing decibels, hysterical notes, and this: “Who did I tell!” I was sure that I would be able to raise a child without all this, I’m a psychologist! Umapalata. I am a fairly authoritarian person, with nerves of steel, calm, when necessary, tough, and I often put my interests above others. I was sure that my child would definitely not grow up spoiled. I will have a smart, well-mannered and neat boy.

I have never been so deeply mistaken in my life.

My child is the COMPLETE opposite of my dreams.

I started raising him as soon as I cut the umbilical cord: feeding by the hour, sleeping in his own crib, no cross-breeding at the first squeak. As a result, our son slept separately from birth, at 4.5 months he stopped eating at night, I never rocked him to sleep, I didn’t carry him in my arms for hours, lights out at exactly 21:00, whether you like it or not. Strict regime and no compromises. Only hardcore. More than anything in the world, I was afraid of raising a spoiled mother. And you know, until he was one and a half years old, we had an almost perfect child, we avoided all those little “horrors” in the form of insomnia, yelling “mommy, take him in your arms,” and other joys of motherhood. And joys without quotes, mind you.

And then one day, either the planets converged somehow differently, or the insight descended on the son that he was also a person, or the mother, having read snotty posts on Baby, gave up, but in the end, from the age of one and a half, the child became an uncontrollable tyrant. Spoiled, not understanding the word “impossible”, capricious, psychotic, showing that he is right and absolutely not caring about his strict authoritarian mother. And the older he gets, the worse it gets.

He can run away, he can fall in the middle of the street on the asphalt and yell if something doesn’t suit him, and if someone pays attention to him, he can yell even louder. He throws objects, refuses to eat, crying hungry for hours at the plate, but never deigns to pick up a spoon. He doesn’t want to brush his teeth, put on what his mother says, eat on his own, put away his toys, take a bath, and fights to go to bed during the day. In general, everything that I invested in it for up to a year and a half has evaporated somewhere. And I know that I am the only one to blame for this, I once missed something very important, and now the child sat on my neck, forcing me to behave like a hysterical mother: scream loudly, hit my ass, shush me, pull my hand and of course “I told who!” became my catchphrase.

I have stopped being an authority for my child, and it’s scary. I’m ashamed of my behavior, ashamed of my son’s behavior, and I want to cry from powerlessness that I can’t cope with a little man who essentially doesn’t do anything special: he just grows, absorbs like a sponge and probes the boundaries of what is permitted, of course taking advantage of "gap" in my mother's upbringing.

An important point: with dad, the child is still perfect! He eats, sleeps, plays with him, walks beautifully, doesn’t squeal, doesn’t run anywhere. Therefore, the reason is in me alone. I realize this, but looking back I can’t understand where exactly I screwed up. But I am confident that I can again win the child’s trust, love and understanding. I am sure that at this age children are still plasticine, and if you completely change your behavior tactics, the child will change before your eyes. He listens to dad, which means all is not lost. I really want to believe this.

Yes, it’s also important: the child hardly speaks, that is, it’s difficult to come to an agreement with him, because he can’t answer me. But what I tell him, he understands clearly.

WITH today I make it a rule:

Don't yell! never and under any circumstances!

Opinion does not help at all, it only weakens the psyche of my son and me.

Hit the ass only in the most extreme cases!

when a child really goes beyond all limits and nothing else works.

Don’t ban everything by simply shouting “you can’t”, but say why it shouldn’t be done. (see point one!)

Make it a rule to work with your child every day. no matter what: sculpt, draw, learn letters. don’t just give him an album, but draw with him! more son/mother contact. Be sure to read the books whether he is listening or not.

Hug, kiss and praise your work more often. even if before that he made me angry and I don’t want to praise him out of harm. good deeds should be encouraged.

Finish the job! Don’t give up halfway, otherwise the child will definitely not learn anything. he must understand that if mom said (she didn’t yell, she said) then it must be done! it works flawlessly with dad.

Start reading literature on raising children complex character. First, the book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen and How to Listen So Children Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Marzlish. judging by the reviews, this book works wonders for the minds of mothers.

(Thanks Zhenya)

I definitely need to work on myself first. She started the process of education herself, but she herself must rehabilitate herself!

Yes, I’m not an ideal mother at all, and I never will be, but I just have to be a good mother. I want to be proud of my son and for him to be proud of me. So far we cannot say this about each other.

I will write down my successes and my shame here, something like a “diary of raising a little despot by a hysterical mother,” so that later I can understand where I missed something or, on the contrary, did it right. For those who are just interested - read, for those who have the same problems with children - let's improve together and share our successes.

Wise advice from those who have gone through such a difficult period with children is only welcome. And also kicks on the case, tips and all that.

Today we are exactly 2.10. I give myself two months to completely re-educate the child.

For those who have finished reading this incoherent cry from the soul - meat pie))

(and chamomile for vegans))

P.S. I love my son very much, and all this is for his sake, believe me.