How to get rid of shame about the past. How to get rid of guilt and shame: psychological techniques

Shame is one of the most harmful and destructive emotions a person can experience. It occurs when people are disappointed with their behavior, comparing it with their own or social norms. The feeling of shame provokes a person to self-destruction and risky behavior, use of alcohol and drugs, and can also lead to long-term physical and emotional problems including pain, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. It is important to understand that you can avoid such problems entirely by making a serious effort to overcome shame and learn to value yourself and your own achievements. You are much more than an action once taken, a word spoken, or an emotion that arises.

Steps

Part 1

Get rid of shame

Stop striving for perfection. Attempts to live up to the ideal in any life sphere create unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem and feelings of shame when we fail to cope. The idea of perfection is a social construct created by society and the media that we will be perfect people if we look, act and think a certain way, but it has little to do with reality.

Down with the constant repetition of the past. Constant thoughts about negative feelings may cause excessive feelings of shame and self-hatred. According to research, if you constantly think about own feeling shame leads to depression, social anxiety and even increases blood pressure.

Show yourself compassion. When the danger of flashback arises, begin to practice self-compassion and kindness. Become your own friend. Instead of scolding and berating yourself (“I’m a stupid and worthless person”), try treating yourself the way a friend or loved one would. To do this, you need to monitor your behavior and understand that you would not allow your friend to allow such destructive thoughts for him. Self-compassion has many benefits, including: mental health, increased life satisfaction and decreased self-critical attitudes.

Think less about the past. For many people, shame paralyzes them in the present moment; they become restless, fearful, depressed and extremely critical of themselves. It is very important that the past remains the past; it cannot be changed or turned back, but you can change the influence of the past on the future. Be able to overcome your shame and live a vibrant life.

Change and transformation are always possible. This is one of the main advantages human nature. You don't have to hold on to the past your whole life.
Life is a long journey, and you can always recover from a difficult period.

Be flexible. Stop reacting to your experiences from an all-or-nothing perspective. This line of thinking widens the gap between our expectations and real opportunities. Stop perceiving life in black and white, when it is often grey. There are no true “rules” of life; all people think and behave differently, creating their own variations of such “rules”.

Don't be influenced by others. If you are experiencing negative thoughts, then they can be caused by people around you, even close friends and relatives. To overcome shame and move on with your life, you should minimize the number of people who “poison” your thoughts.
- Try to perceive negative statements as weights weighing 10 kilograms. They put pressure on you and it’s hard for you to straighten your back. Free yourself from such burdens and remember that people do not define your identity. Only you can decide who you really are.
Develop awareness. Self-awareness therapy has been shown to make it easier to accept yourself and reduce feelings of shame. Awareness – special method, which invites you to learn to observe your emotions without escalating the situation. In other words, you learn to coolly analyze your experiences without suppressing them.

Learn acceptance. It is important to accept what you cannot change. You are you, that’s how it should be. A number of studies show that acceptance helps people move beyond the cycle of shame and begin to live fulfilling lives.

Part 2
Increase your self-esteem
1. Focus on the positive. Instead of wasting time feeling shame for not living up to made-up standards, focus on your successes and accomplishments. You will understand that you have something to be proud of, and your contribution to this world is no worse than that of other people.
  
  Lend a helping hand to others. It has long been known that those who help others and volunteer have more high self-esteem than the rest. It may seem counterintuitive that helping others makes us feel better, but science suggests that connecting with others increases our positive perception of ourselves.
2. Daily positive judgments. Positive judgments are meant to boost your self-confidence and encourage you. Such actions have a positive impact on self-esteem and also increase self-compassion. After all, you don't blame your friends the same way you blame yourself; you show empathy when they feel guilt or shame. Treat yourself the same way, be kinder. Take a moment each day to say out loud, write down, or think about positive thoughts. Here are some examples:
  - "I good man and I deserve better, even if I have done questionable things in the past.”
  - “I make mistakes and learn from them.”
  - “I have a lot to give to the world, benefit myself and others.”
3. Distinguish opinions from facts. Many of us have a hard time separating opinions from facts. A fact is an immutable truth, while an opinion is your thoughts based on some facts, but they are not facts.
  - For example, “I am 17 years old” is a fact. You were born 17 years ago, this is indicated in the metric. No one will argue with this. But “I'm stupid for my age” is an opinion, even if you can find evidence for it, such as not being able to drive or not having a job. However, if you think about this opinion more carefully, you can see it in a critical light. Perhaps you don’t know how to drive because your parents have to work a lot and simply don’t have time to teach you or don’t have the opportunity to send you to courses. Lack of work may be due to the fact that after studying you are looking after younger brothers and sisters.
  - Taking a more sober look at existing opinions helps you understand that paying close attention to the details can change your attitude.
4. Appreciate your uniqueness. By comparing yourself to others, you deceive yourself in assessing your own individuality. Remember that you are a unique individual with much to give to the world. Leave the shame behind and shine the way you can and should.
  - Focus on your individuality and the things that make you you, rather than hiding behind the veil of social conformity. Perhaps you like to combine incongruous clothes or listen to European pop music and know how to make all sorts of crafts. Discover these sides of your personality, don't hide them in the shadows; you will be surprised (and delighted!) at what new facets you can discover if you hone your skills and thoughts. Alan Turing, Steve Jobs and Thomas Edison - all of them were individuals whose uniqueness helped them in unique discoveries and achievements.
  - Nowhere does it say that you HAVE to look like everyone else, have the same hobbies, or live the same lifestyle. So, no one is obliged to follow fashion in clothing or music, or have a family and children by the age of 30. This is promoted by society and the media, but is not the ultimate truth. Do what you like best and what makes you happy. Remember that you should only please yourself. You can’t escape yourself, so listen to your inner rhythm, not someone else’s.

Since childhood, she knows: mothers should love their children, and if she does not receive this love, it means that someone is to blame for this - most likely, herself. The fact that mom is cold with her, which is the most close person ignores her or shouts.

Sometimes the mother directly reinforces this belief: “It’s your fault that I’m angry all the time! It's because you're behaving badly! You're nothing but problems! Why can’t you be like your sister?” Sometimes indirectly, by ignoring or ridiculing her. A mother may justify herself by maintaining discipline, but shaming a child means verbal abuse.

The girl believes in the fake cause and effect that her mother created. She gets used to feelings of guilt for angering and disappointing her mother, and shame because she is bad, useless, unworthy of love; they become the basis for her low self-esteem, and sometimes self-hatred. As an adult, these feelings can continue to torment her, influence her relationships, and control her actions.

For many years I was tormented by the fear that my mother was right about me, that I was worthless and incapable of anything. At 27, I got to the point where I had difficulty getting up in the morning and finally saw a therapist. Only this helped me realize that I was not to blame for anything.

Shame, guilt and awareness of one's own wounds

One day the girl or woman begins to realize how this attitude has affected her. The realization occurs because of persistent relationship failures, chronic dissatisfaction with life, self-destructive behavior, or someone around her brings to her attention how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is.

Having understood the problem, she begins to take the first steps towards healing, builds boundaries, tries to distance herself from her mother, and then there are people who begin to suggest that she owes an unpaid debt to her mother for giving birth to and raising her. Guilt and shame make you doubt yourself, your decisions, and your perception of reality. Yes, she no longer lives in parental home, but mentally continues to remain in the nursery, anxiously awaiting inevitable troubles.

Only by realizing that feelings of guilt and shame stand in the way of change can you move forward. This is difficult: many of us prefer to leave things as they are to avoid confrontation, especially when we have to go against accepted cultural norms and break taboos. But this is the battle that any unloved daughter will have to go through on the path to healing. Here is a program that will help you cope with feelings of guilt and shame.

1. Remember: you are not alone.

2. Understand the power of the mother

Many people still believe the myth about the maternal instinct, thanks to which all mothers supposedly love their children. It is difficult for them to admit what colossal, almost absolute, power the mother has over the child, and any power provides opportunities for abuse. It's unpleasant to realize, but it's true.

3. View guilt and shame as tools of manipulation.

What does your mother do to cause these feelings in you? Maybe she constantly reminds you how much you owe her and how ungrateful you are? Or starts every sentence with the words “You always...”, listing your shortcomings? This is nothing more than an attempt, and most likely a very successful one, to manipulate you.

4. Notice your reactions

How do you usually react when someone tries to control you through feelings of guilt and shame? Do you automatically switch to a conciliatory tone? Do you quickly give up and run for your life? Or is guilt and shame drowning out all other emotions and thoughts, and you don’t even notice it? Once you become aware of your reactions, you will gradually learn to respond more productively, taking into account own desires and needs.

Instructions

To overcome shame, it is necessary, first of all, to understand what gave rise to it. A person can be ashamed of his unseemly actions, and this shame is good and generally useful. feeling. It is akin to the feeling of guilt, it helps to understand what is good and what is bad. This is the voice that carries us through the pain feeling demonstrate the need to do well.

But there is another shame, which is completely unhelpful - shame that prevents a person from living for many years. It's about o when he feels because of his appearance, social or financial status, education or other characteristics. Women are often ashamed of the shortcomings of their appearance: excess weight, uneven teeth, irregular facial features. Men are more worried about the absence career growth, lack of money, used car. Visits even frivolous children feeling shame because they are in some way different from their peers.

If shame is caused by an unseemly act, you need, first of all, to try to eliminate its deplorable actions and correct what you have done. It is imperative to apologize to those who suffered as a result of your misconduct and ask for forgiveness.

Then it is important to take the last, most difficult step - to forgive yourself. It's really not easy, it's much easier to forgive others. Understand one thing: we all make mistakes, and we have the right to do so. A person learns through mistakes, each mistake makes him a little wiser, kinder and better. The one who does nothing makes no mistakes. Once you realize this, it's easier to get rid of shame.

Otherwise, you should work with the generated feeling m own inferiority. Such shame can only be overcome by wise people, understanding simple truth: every person is needed as he is. How boring a world would be if all people were perfect and alike. The fact that everything has its advantages. Of course, it’s a shame to be among the not the most beautiful and successful, but that means it’s necessary.

Another way to overcome such shame is to strive to correct shortcomings. Overweight people go on a diet, people with birth defects trust plastic surgeons, poorly educated people enroll in schools and courses, and enter universities and technical schools. Such changes require significant effort and willpower, but they pay off handsomely. A person not only overcomes shame, but also gains self-respect and pride in the results achieved.

Helpful advice

So, you have two options to overcome shame: accept yourself as you are, or change everything that gives rise to feelings of inferiority. Which one to choose is up to you!

Shame is a feeling that almost everyone can experience under certain circumstances. Some are ashamed to be talented, others to be successful, but the worst thing is when a person is ashamed of his actions or success.

Religions claim that shame is a healthy feeling. It allows you not to violate social norms, preserves the human soul. But shame weighs too heavily on some and barely touches others. And yet it is just an emotion, and it can be controlled.

Shame for what you did

It happens that a person has done something for which he feels ashamed. This is a common situation, and although you want to hide, do not think that you are the only one in such circumstances. If there is an opportunity to fix something, do it. Good way- Apologize to those present if you did something bad. If you just seem ridiculous, then turn it into a joke.

There is no need to stop communicating with people who witnessed what happened. It is better to explain to them what you feel, what is unpleasant for you. Most people you know can understand what happened. It is only important to convey your vision.

It is a very good practice to look at an event from the other side. If everything seems terrible to you, try to see how it looks from others. There are always several points of view. Choose the one that is less painful and stick with it.

Shame on myself

The hardest feeling is shame for yourself. Not for actions, but for the fact that something is wrong in appearance, social status or financial situation. Some people are ashamed to wear wrinkled clothes, others cannot ride the bus, others are embarrassed about their weight or appearance. The formation of many complexes is associated with shame, but this is an unnecessary, limiting feeling that is worth getting rid of.

If you don't like yourself, then it's time to accept yourself. Everyone should love themselves, because ideal people No. Each has its own advantages and disadvantages. You need to be proud of what life has given and rejoice in what you have. After all, because of shame, many stupid things are done, and much of what should be done is never accomplished. Be yourself. Unusuality, individuality - this is not a shame, you need to learn to be proud of it.

Shame is sometimes a good incentive. Trying to change parameters that are inconvenient, a person changes in better side, strives for improvement. But at the same time, it is important not to go against your desires, not to break your inner self in order to please others, but only to emphasize your merits.

Dealing with shame is difficult, if this feeling does not allow you to sleep peacefully, find a good psychologist. Several sessions with a specialist will help you feel better.

Throughout life, the feeling of shame visits every person many times. And if for some people this feeling is fleeting and quickly forgotten, for others it becomes intrusive and oppressive. The constant presence of a feeling of shame prevents a person from fully developing, building relationships with people around him, and even living a normal life. What role does the feeling of shame play in the human psyche?

When a person feels constant shame for his actions, thoughts or actions, personality displacement occurs. Shame plays a decisive role in psychological perception in fact, thereby a person becomes unsure of himself. Such a person often does not know what he really wants and even perceives his emotions inadequately.

The inability to express one’s feelings and emotions, for which one is “naturally” ashamed, leads to a person’s social isolation. Such a person is unable to establish relationships with the outside world, and personal life, and at work. The feeling of shame cannot become all-consuming in one moment, such psychological problem tells a story from childhood.

Parents, using a sense of shame, strive to make the child obedient, without considering the consequences of such upbringing. To the little man one becomes ashamed of bad grades and behavior, and even of one’s illnesses, because they upset parents. Over time, the feeling of shame becomes necessary and quite familiar to the child. Parents replace the love and understanding children need with constant feeling shame. The child begins to perceive parental love only through the prism of modesty. After all, adults stop scolding for pranks only after shameful repentance.

Moving on to adult life, this feeling carries destructive energy on a person’s personality. The feeling of shame prevents a person from being himself; any manifestations of life are rejected and criticized, leading to a dead end. For full functioning, the human psyche requires all feelings, including shame. A fleeting sense of shame protects and supports the human psyche. This is why it is so difficult to walk the line between one-time and permanent shame.

In order to live in harmony with oneself and the surrounding reality, a person needs to know and correctly perceive all the features of his psyche. Awareness of the main aspects of life for which one is ashamed, and correct work eliminating them will help you develop harmoniously and feel like a full-fledged member of society.

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American psychologist Sylvan Tomkins came to the conclusion that shame arises when we expect positive emotions. If we deviate from the script, we experience a feeling of failure. The brain may perceive the situation as a problem that requires immediate resolution, or it may react to the situation as if it is threat - she prevents us from moving forward and makes us worry.

Happens to each of us awkward situations, after which you want to hide your head in the sand and never show it: your dress slipped down at the most inopportune moment, you don’t have enough money to pay for the goods, and you’re already standing at the checkout with a mountain of groceries, or you just don’t know how to refuel the car correctly, and there’s a line has already reached universal proportions. Every time these situations amaze the imagination and you think: “Well, why with me?”

website found out how you can quickly cope with internal experiences, understanding physiological and chemical the nature of these negative emotions.

Forgive yourself

First, admit to yourself that this situation makes you feel awkward; this will first help you understand that what happened requires analysis. If you do not admit to yourself that you are experiencing shame, this feeling will move to an unconscious level and will have a serious impact, interfering with your life.

Remember and say a phrase when you feel awkward: “Because I’m ashamed, I won’t become better or happier” or: “I have nothing to be ashamed of, all people find themselves in awkward situations”, this will make it easier to relate to the situation and find an appropriate way to resolve it .

Admit your mistakes

Start with analysis situations: understand what exactly led to the failure and establish a specific reason. If you really made a mistake, try to correct it.

If, for example, during the reporting presentation you understand that there are shortcomings, use softening phrases to smooth out the situation: “This complex issue, I can answer this in more detail later, after a deeper study, today I made the following conclusions” or “Colleagues, after discussing this issue with you, I may change my opinion and voice it later.” Listen calmly to criticism, don’t complain, and next time start your speech with problematic issue and study the topic better.

Human mistakes are forgotten quickly enough, so the feeling of shame is a temporary state. Also give up unnecessary comparisons, do not compare your behavior with the expectations of other people, accept yourself and do not try to live up to ideas about yourself that are not your own. It is this discrepancy between expectations and reality that most often causes feelings of shame.

Apologies

Don't look away when you pass someone you've offended. It’s better to apologize once so that you feel at ease every day. Try to find a simple and short explanation for your action if you offended a person unintentionally. For example, you mistakenly assumed that your colleague is pregnant, explain this by saying that your sister or friend is pregnant, so you see mommies everywhere.

Responsibility

Often situations that leave us feeling embarrassed and ashamed arise because we cannot take responsibility for a decision that is so necessary but extremely difficult to make. So that two guys you have a crush on don't end up at your front door at the same time and you're faced with the choice of whether to open the door or not, make a decision and take responsibility for it. If they do end up at your door, look for the positives: such a shake-up sometimes helps you realize which decision is really the right one.

Navigation for the article “How to get rid of shame on your own?”:

In the last article “” we looked at what kind of attitude a shameful person develops towards himself.

He treats himself as something unworthy.

Let's consider this attitude towards ourselves as bad habit. Then you can treat it like any harmful habit. For example, he will learn to notice its phenomena, track, stop and do something more useful instead.

External physical manifestations I described shame already in the first part:

a person’s voice may change, become cruel and angry, for example.
A person may blush, shrink, look at the floor, hide his face.
The pulse may increase, dry mouth and tinnitus may occur.

Physical phenomena are all individual for each person, but their combination in the same person when experiencing shame will be similar. You can learn to recognize them.

It will be useful to learn to compare the physical phenomena of shame and a belittling attitude towards oneself.

How to get rid of shame - start to notice a bad attitude towards yourself

First we need to study what this bad attitude consists of and how it is expressed. It may appear in the form inner voice or “sound” in your head as a thought. The inner blaming voice often feels like a cruel critic, offending, insulting, ridiculing and humiliating.

In 90% of cases, it is difficult for a person to notice how he insults and humiliates himself. How to get rid of shame? The easiest way to do this is with the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. To independently learn to track this process, you need to look at what a person does to himself from the outside.

For example, a person says: “I screwed up so much, it’s just funny.” He then continues to talk about his failure in a cheerful and mocking tone.

Or he talks about his painful childhood experiences: “How could I perceive it so acutely then, how could I believe in it, it’s stupid and funny.” Laughs bitterly. He speaks about himself in a disdainful tone: “Only a fool or a madman could worry so much about such a trifle.”

Or a person comes to a psychologist and says: “How can I force myself to complete this task. Well, as soon as possible, do something with me.” It looks as if a person brought a worthless and inferior creature (himself, that is), to a psychologist. And this creature really bothered people.

Or: “Well, as much as possible. I have already tortured myself, I am tired of myself with my fear. Fool!". Here strong aggression towards oneself is already manifested.

Or hatred is expressed in an open form: “I hate myself when something doesn’t work out for me. I hate myself for these feelings."

Or depressive: “I’m disgusted with myself. I sit for 30 minutes before calling my colleague. I'm tired. I don't want to live like this. »

Every word spoken about oneself in such a tone, every thought thought about oneself in such a context is a habitual humiliation of oneself. How to get rid of shame? Imagine if someone else said those harsh words to you? You would probably perceive this as undignified, humiliating treatment.

But when you say this about yourself, you are not always able to realize it.

Therefore, the first task is to start noticing what you are doing to yourself.

Of course, we have certain difficulties and shortcomings that we can and should work with, which can and should be corrected. But if you think about changing yourself in such a belittling tone, it turns out that you are trying to fight with yourself and against yourself.

None of this good changes does not work. You will fight with yourself internal conflict will intensify, you will feel worse and worse, and the desired changes will not be achieved.

If you tell a psychologist, for example: “I’m such a completely worthless, boring guy, I’m already a burden to myself, let’s fix me up a little” - you don’t notice the inner critical voice. You seem to be at one with your “inner critic.” You invite others and the psychologist to also scold or ridicule yourself. But our main task in this place is to stop. Protect your dignity from yourself.

How to get rid of shame - learn to stop yourself

After you notice that you are shaming and belittling yourself in your inner speech, it is important to learn to pay attention to what you are doing and stop yourself. This will answer the question: how to get rid of shame and at the same time protect you from yourself.

Exercise:

In the last article we said that the habitual way of dealing with oneself is born as a result of the mechanism of internalization and introjection. These mechanisms carry out, as it were, a psychological merging of a person with those from whom a person adopts the usual way of treating himself. It’s like swallowing other people’s norms, scenarios, behavior without digesting. If you treat yourself poorly, these are harmful and even toxic norms.

Indeed, the person seems to be poisoned by a bad attitude towards himself. When a person thinks about himself, his perception seems to be distorted. It's like he's looking through false mirror, in which he seems ugly to himself. When a person “puts away” the mirror and looks at other people, he sees them in beauty and respect.

How to get rid of shame? Sometimes it helps to come to an agreement with yourself and not believe this perception of yours. For example, treat this as the effect of a poison or drug on the body. Then the person will know that this is the toxic effect of poison, that something is now “floating” before his eyes, not because he has gone crazy, but this is a narcotic effect.

Introjection has the same poisonous toxic effect. A person can no longer understand what he is like. He is completely in the grip of a feeling of shame and self-loathing.

However, the brain can function not only under the influence of feelings. We can separate our cognitive perception from our emotional perception. This division is clearly visible in a situation when a person says: “I understand with my mind that everything is generally fine with me, but I feel as if I am really nothing.”

To understand how to get rid of shame, we can use this feature of the brain. For example, imagine that this experience of being insignificant is poisoning. You cannot now recognize what is true and what is not. But you can trust another person - a supportive friend, a psychologist, who will tell you that this is not so.

Sometimes convincing yourself doesn't work very well. This happens because trauma that is inflicted in contact with another person (with a parent, for example) can only be healed in contact with another person (with a psychologist, for example).

When a person habitually humiliates himself from minute to minute, from year to year, unfortunately, he forgets what dignity is. We need to return a decent attitude towards ourselves.

How to get rid of shame - we designate the process of humiliating ourselves in the form of critical voices

Sometimes it helps a lot to label this as critical voices. We call feelings of humiliation, feeling bad, etc. certain words. Then, from the position of an outside observer, you can evaluate what is happening.

Let's imagine this picture. Here is an unhappy person. He feels bad, something is not working out for him. We share roles. A critic comes and begins to humiliate him. Does it help the suffering person or not? Most likely it doesn't help. Moreover, the picture from the outside often looks very unfair and cruel.

To learn how to get rid of shame, at this moment it is useful to stop and try to evaluate the picture drawn by your imagination.

Ask yourself, what do you see? Which emotional reaction Does what one person is saying to another in this picture resonate with you? Try to appeal to your sense of justice.

As sad as it is, a person can answer: “Yes, that’s how it is. I'm so bad."

Then we can move on to the next exercise.

How to get rid of shame - Exercise “identification with the child”

Imagine saying these words to your child. If you don’t have children, imagine that you have a son or daughter, and someone from the outside says these words to him or her.

For example, a baby learns to walk. He falls, tries to get up and fails. And someone adult says to him: “You’re a nonentity! Why haven’t you learned to walk by your age? Look, Vasya is running, not like you. I'm sick of falling already! Of course you won't succeed! You’re just cross-armed and bandy-legged, you’re just pathetic!”

This picture helps you shake yourself and realize the severity and cruelty of these words. In such conditions, one can more sharply feel all their injustice.

Most of us would never say that to our child and would never allow anyone else to say such words to them. We understand how painful and unfair this is.

In this exercise, through identification with the child, you can fully feel the cruelty of what you are doing to yourself. Then it will become a little clearer how to get rid of shame.

Personalizing the “inner critic”

The degree of cruelty that our inner critics show towards us is generally difficult to see anywhere in the adult world. Perhaps at school, in closed children's institutions, in prison, in war. What we say to ourselves, people usually don’t say to each other.

To get rid of shame, our main work with you will be aimed at stopping humiliating yourself. Is it that easy to do it yourself? Hardly ever. This requires a lot of work.

One more trick may help us. Let's draw up a portrait or image of our inner critic, imagine it in the form of a certain character. This could be a collective image consisting of people you have met in life.

Imagine that this image “speaks.”

Now try saying it out loud on behalf of your inner critic. Sometimes, at the moment of voicing the words of a critical character, a person’s voice even changes - it becomes hard, sometimes high-pitched, loud.

This is how you begin to get to know your inner critic.

You can draw it to imagine it better.

This is necessary in order to learn to separate your criticizing part from the criticized part.

The pitfalls of the “inner critic”

Even in this exercise, a person may begin to scold, criticize, belittle and shame himself. For example, saying that he won’t succeed anyway.

This is also one of the manifestations of the inner critic. Then you can try to imagine what you could answer him.

It often helps to tell yourself:

“I won’t always be able to notice how I scold myself. I won't always be able to help but believe bad words about myself. But I can do it sometimes. That's for sure."

At this point, a person comes out of merging with his inner critic.

When looking for an answer to the question of how to get rid of shame, attempts to negotiate with the inner critic often do not have a positive effect. This happens because the critical part treats the criticized part with contempt, arrogance, and sees it as insignificance.

Negotiations with such a person are impossible. Therefore, here we need to pay attention to the form in which the inner critic “speaks,” and not to the content. Then we begin to defend ourselves, to protest against the way we treat ourselves. A person should have the feeling: “This can’t happen to me. No matter what I’ve done in life, I don’t deserve this kind of treatment.”

However, stopping a bad habit is not enough. We still need to “grow” new uniform behavior to replace bad habit. Next time we will talk about what else you can do instead of scolding and belittling yourself.

In the meantime, if you have questions on this topic, you can schedule a consultation with me.