How to get rid of shame for an awkward situation. How to get rid of shame

Shame- this is a feeling of strong embarrassment, awkwardness, discomfort from the realization of the reprehensibility of one's act, behavior, action or personality trait. Why does shame arise and how to deal with it?

Feelings of shame fall into the category moral feelings, that is, those that arise and develop in the process of education and socialization of a person. This is not an innate, but an experience acquired as a result of social learning.

There are actions that are simply not customary to perform in public, although in themselves they are not something illegal. Everything in the world is relative. What may be perfectly normal for one person may be immoral for another. Moral norms change over time both in society and in the minds of the individual.

Morality- these are the ideas accepted in society about good and evil, right and wrong, proper and inappropriate behavior.

Shame arises only when its object, that is, some act or quality:

socially unacceptable, that is, considered immoral;
observed or noticed by other people.

A person will not be ashamed to perform an act that can be assessed as shameful, all alone or when he is sure that there are no witnesses around.

But, if an individual evaluates an act performed in solitude as immoral, something else will arise. negative feeling- guilt.

Shame and guilt are forms of emotional manifestation conscience. They are often felt simultaneously and reinforce each other.

If a person has developed a conscience as a functional apparatus that formulates moral duties and implements moral self-control, he will certainly be familiar with both the feeling of guilt and the feeling of shame.

Development of a sense of shame in phylogenesis and ontogenesis

Something to be ashamed of modern man, would not cause a drop of remorse in a person who lived in prehistoric times In a cave. The feeling of shame was formed along with the development of civilization and each individual society, state.

Some nations have more developed modesty and they traditionally behave with restraint, modesty, culture, while others have complete freedom in their mentality to manifest themselves, regardless of “What will people think?”.

The studies of anthropologists and ethnopsychologists allow us to assert that it is precisely among those nationalities whose mentality is based on the orientation towards society, the collective, traditions, shame plays important role in people's lives. In cultures based on individualism, shame is less common.

At first, the child is not ashamed of anything, but he constantly learns the norms of morality, therefore, at his age 3 to 7 years old an understanding of what “shame” and “shame” are, as well as such character traits as conscientiousness, modesty, shyness and other moral qualities develop.

A small child, for example, is not ashamed of his nudity when his parents change clothes or bathe him. He is not yet familiar with morality, but very soon begins to understand that any act of an intimate nature should be performed alone with himself, and it is a shame to do this in front of people.

American psychologist G. Allport notes that the absence of a sense of intimate shame interferes with personal development. Indeed, it is. Without conscience and shame, a person grows up as an immoral individual. Moreover, shamelessness and lack of conscience in children, and especially in adults, often become symptoms of mental pathologies.

As in any issue related to education, in the formation of a sense of shame, it is important to know when to stop. It is bad when a person behaves selfishly, does not take into account the opinions of others and commits immoral acts, but it is also bad when a highly developed sense of shame develops into such personality traits as excessive modesty, shyness, tightness, lack of communication skills, complexes.

Why is shame bad?

People with a hypertrophied sense of shame suffer from low self-esteem, self-criticism, an inferiority complex, a sense of far-fetched immorality so much that they simply cannot and do not allow themselves to be happy, considering it indecent or inappropriate.

It is important that a healthy sense of shame, designed to regulate human behavior, does not turn into a way to punish oneself with pangs of conscience!

A person who has “plunged” into a strongly pronounced shame and exhausted himself with thoughts about how he will now be perceived in society is capable of rash, risky and irreparable decisions and actions. Out of an overwhelming sense of shame, some people commit suicide.

shame is normal feeling when he was provoked by an objectively shameful event or action, but if the reason contrived or feeling too strong, prolonged and negatively affects the quality of life, it undoubtedly needs to be disposed of.

bashfulness- a character trait that indicates a willingness to experience a sense of shame often. Shyness prevents a person from expressing himself as a person and developing, as it is accompanied by shyness, indecision, lack of initiative.

At the same time, shame makes a person more responsible, reasonable, organized, cautious, prudent, punctual, not to mention the fact that people around perceive such a person as modest and decent.

The subject, who is often ashamed, is harassed fears to be ridiculed, misunderstood, humiliated, insulted, subjected to undeserved criticism, become an outcast or be rejected by loved ones.

Shy people are afraid to commit a shameful act, which is why their level of anxiety, as a rule, is increased, and self-esteem is lowered.

How to overcome shame

To control any strong emotion or feeling, you first need to learn how to use it. to identify, that is, to understand that it arose and call it.

On what grounds, other than inner feeling discomfort and thoughts like “I’m ready to fall through the ground now!”, can you recognize shame?

When a person is ashamed, a series of physiological reactions:

redness of the skin (the appearance of a blush on the cheeks),
increase in pressure
rapid pulse,
holding breath,
increased sweating.

Shame can be recognized by the person who accompanies it. wish quickly move away from the object or stop the act that causes shame. When you are ashamed, you want to escape both from shame and from yourself. Since most often it is impossible to do this, a person tries "to become invisible":

lowers head and shoulders
hides a look
covers face with hands
takes the most closed posture.

Usually, causes bashfulness, which interferes with development and self-fulfillment, is rooted in the events that occurred in childhood. Children are often scolded and shamed excessively or unnecessarily. Awareness of the reasons modesty helps to overestimate the feeling of shame, work through and get rid of negative memories, and at the same time excessive feelings of guilt with or without reason.

For example, a woman is ashamed of her appearance, because she believes that she has an ugly nose shape. Once as a child, classmates ridiculed her and made her ashamed of her appearance. The beauty - relative concept, you should not be ashamed of your appearance, if only because it is part of the individuality and uniqueness of a person.

Another common cause of excessive guilt is taboo, prohibitions, prejudices, prejudices and other strict, conservative ideas.

When something taboo has been done, shame literally fetters a person and “programs” for life to be ashamed and afraid of repeating what happened. People often hide shameful personality traits, habits, do not share memories for which they are ashamed.

No one has the right to judge and condemn a person, and mistakes and actions for which one is ashamed are made by every person in his life and more than once. Reducing the significance of the taboo or getting rid of it altogether, you can cope with the feeling of shame.

If some half a century ago it was considered shameful for a young girl to live with a man in a civil marriage (cohabit), today, on the contrary, it is considered right to live together for some time before entering into an official marriage.

To get rid of the tormenting feeling of shame for any act or in general from annoying bashfulness, psychologists recommend learning:

Do not run away from the problem of an exaggerated sense of shame. You need to work on yourself, and if necessary, seek help from a psychologist.

A person in life experiences various emotions - both positive and negative. However, feelings are so diverse that they often intersect with each other, and not always in our opinion. positive emotion is constructive. For example, a sense of shame: psychology speaks ambiguously about it. On the one hand, restraining normal development human factor, on the other hand, it is a tool to protect a person from rash acts.

What is shame.

A sense of shame appears in a person as a result of his awareness of the inconsistency of his actions and his behavior with generally accepted norms and values. The influence of this emotion on a person's life depends directly on the degree of its sensation. So, if shame in a weak form can prevent Negative consequences actions of a person, then strongly expressed shame can, on the contrary, lead to rash decisions (suicide, violence, etc.).

Here is a simple example of mild shame. When a person offends his loved ones with a harsh word, he becomes ashamed, he apologizes and promises not to commit such acts again. If the shame is sincere, then the person is more likely to keep their promise. Things are much more complicated with hypertrophied shame. Its consequences range from bringing a person to emotional exhaustion, to inflicting grievous bodily harm on himself. Strongly expressed shame carries only negative consequences, and therefore it should be avoided.

In a person who constantly experiences bright expressed emotion shame, an inferiority complex is rapidly developing, a person does not understand why he is somehow “not like that”, why people do not accept him as he is. A person blames himself all the time for his vices (often invented), begins to hate himself and, due to his inability to change, experiences aggression towards others.

Where does shame come from?

The feeling of shame develops most often in a person in the early childhood and is laid in the form of false statements about their own inferiority. This is facilitated by the closest people, and in adulthood this statement turns into shame, which fetters a person’s actions and prevents him from living. Children have an increased degree of vulnerability, and therefore it is easy to impose false statements on them with reproaches, remarks, accusations and ridicule. Subsequently, the feeling of inferiority can be almost impossible to defeat, as well as the emotion of shame, the psychology here is the same for everyone.

Personality traits are accepted by man a program of behavior triggered in an acceptable situation for a given trait. As soon as a person begins to act contrary to this program, he is seized by a sense of shame. At the same time, the more traits a person has, the more likely he will experience a sense of shame. Any personality trait can potentially be a source of shame. If a person is brave, but suddenly showed cowardice, shame seizes him. The same applies to other personality traits.

But is it possible in any way to influence the development of a sense of shame within oneself? Of course you can! This is what they do smart people with the help of the brain. At the same time, you need to influence not the feeling of guilt itself, but your self-concept. The human brain is a powerful tool that can change any adverse emotions.

How to deal with shame.

The first way to influence your shame is to suppress it. You just need to get used to it, to know about its existence, but not to think about it. However, shame is a very powerful emotion. As soon as a person can get used to it, it will immediately begin to change a person's habits and his worldview. If the emotion of shame makes a person think that he is not worthy a better life, then a person can get used to thoughts about his insignificance. But this is not the worst thing, it is worse to allow excess negative emotions due to their constant suppression. After all, sooner or later, any emotions come out, and a person falls into severe depression.

The second way to deal with emotions is to provide an opportunity for emotions to come out. A person creates situations for himself in which actions associated with a sense of shame are performed. For example, if a person is ashamed to go out to people without clothes, he does it one day, and at some point he realizes that there is nothing shameful and terrible. Only after that the shame recedes. This way of dealing with shame is very risky, as it forces a person to do something contrary to public opinion, norms and rules of conduct. Such actions cause resentment from the surrounding people and the authorities. But it is this method that psychologists use in their trainings to rid a person of a sense of shame. In such trainings, the main role is given to practice. humble people practice being arrogant. Too polite - unceremonious. The principle of operation of this method is to knock out a “wedge with a wedge”.

What is the best way to deal with harmful shame? None of them! The problem is that many who want to cope with shame seek to destroy this emerging feeling in one way or another, but human psychology does not accept this. Better to just learn how to control them. Human emotions are an innate thing, donated by nature itself, and therefore trying to get rid of them is simply stupid. best way out from the current situation - learn to use your emotions and quickly adapt to them. It is important for a person to learn how to properly be ashamed, rejoice, criticize, be offended, etc.

You need to accept yourself the way you are. The stupidest thing a person can try to do is to be perfect. After all, each person has his own ideas about the ideal, and therefore the categories " an ideal person' simply cannot exist.

You shouldn't judge other people. There is no more terrible quality than the desire to find negative sides in people, after which they are publicly condemned. Remember if you saw in a man negative trait character, think about the fact that this side is visible only to you. It's nothing more than your pure subjective assessment.

Give up once and for all comparisons between your behavior and your immediate expectation. If you learn to get rid of comparing your actions with the expectations of others, you will protect yourself from extra complexes and experiences. A person who refuses comparison enters into harmony with his I-concept, ceasing to experience shame.

Feelings of guilt and shame are familiar to us from childhood. Our parents shamed us for bad behavior and actions, so it was recognized and instilled from the time of perception of bad and good, our right and wrong actions.

Shame and guilt are emotions that appear when comparing one's act, self-expression, etc. to generally accepted norms in society. These feelings are a kind of self-punishment, an impetus for self-education.

Shame is a feeling that destroys faith in change for the better, depressing personal qualities. The feeling of guilt can lead to the right actions, to their awareness.

Both shame and guilt are different. In some cases, they allow you to evaluate a negative act, causing feelings that push you to correct yourself, make amends, in others it is a consequence of a number of complexes that are very difficult to deal with. And the stronger they are, the more destructive their consequences are: stress, mental disorder, lack of ability to adapt in society.

There are norms of behavior, actions, tips that determine how to get rid of feelings of shame and guilt.

If it is impossible to cope with the problem, emotions, feelings on your own, be sure to seek help from a person you trust, do not refuse to consult a psychologist.

Remember, the constant feeling of shame and guilt can destroy you from the inside. Having coped with it, you will grow above yourself and understand that life is amazing, and problems can be solved.

P.S. Sincerely, the administration of the site.

Deep down, do you feel worthless or unworthy of love? Do you want to hide? Do you think that if other people see what you really are, they will reject you?

Shame is a deep and strong conviction of a person in the inferiority of his personality. Shame can manifest itself as an inner feeling that we are not good enough (no matter how hard we try), not attractive, not deserving or worthy of love.

Shame can be well disguised. People with seemingly high self-esteem may also be subject to shame.

Shame is a message that we absorbed while still in childhood. Home settings where we have been controlled and punished, ignored or abandoned, where we have been verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused or traumatized can all lead to deep feelings of shame.

Children are like sponges, soaking up everything their parents say to them. The child, as such, is not able to understand the meaning of the events taking place, and how to relate to them. Usually, they grow up feeling and believing that they are bad.

If we have grown up with a deep sense of shame, we find it tangibly ruins our lives. It affects our personality (our sense of who we are), our closeness to others, and our self-image. Shame can affect self-esteem different ways We can feel better or worse than others.

Origin of shame

Shame that has various forms origin and manifestation is directed at the child in countless verbal and non-verbal ways. This "lesson" of shame is learned forever if the messages are repeated and there is no opportunity to talk about experiences.

Periodic rejection (emotional or physical) is a powerful teacher. Examples of how shame is cultivated in children include the following:

When a parent points out that they didn't want a child, even as a joke.

When a child is publicly humiliated.

When judgment is directed at the child as a whole and not at specific behavior.

When a child has to hide sides of himself in order to be accepted. real person, for example: your needs, joys, sorrows, fears, mistakes, successes.

When a child's emotional or physical boundaries are violated, such as overt or covert abuse.

When children are deprived of personal space, for example, if parents check their personal belongings or read diaries.

When such important events for the child as birthdays or gifts are treated with indifference.

When a child feels that a parent or family member is somehow defective compared to other images of an adult in his or her world. For example, when a family member is an alcoholic or has a physical or mental disability and the difference is never discussed or the child is unable to express their feelings about the difference.

When trust in significant adults is undermined or destroyed as a result of failure or neglect.

When a child grows up in a family where adults themselves are ashamed and feel helpless in this world.

When a child is made to feel inferior, worthless, unattractive, or unwanted in the world or society at large, such as learning difficulties or inappropriate clothing compared to peers.

When a child is constantly judged for actions or emotional condition parent, or the child simply cannot live up to the unrealistic expectations of its parent.

When parents use silence as punishment. In this case, the children feel completely bad and think that it is impossible to restore the relationship.

Consequences of shame

While shame begins in childhood, it can recur over and over again throughout adulthood. Shame can cause in a person:

complete lack of self-respect

high level of self-criticism

frequent outbursts of anger and criticism of others

difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships, leading to superficial relationships

isolation and loneliness

depression

constantly blaming others and pointing out their mistakes or shortcomings

perfectionism as a way to avoid shame in the future

self-flagellation and self-destruction

numbness or "lostness"

How psychotherapy helps to get rid of feelings of shame

Shame is not an innate trait of our true personality - it is an acquired opinion about ourselves. This is erroneous belief underlies the formation of a false "I". The more unrecognized shame we have, the stronger it becomes.

If the problem of shame is not solved, then it will control our lives. To deal with this problem, you must first understand its essence. To do this, we need a psychologically safe place where we will feel secure enough to meet our most painful feelings and perhaps understand where they came from.

Healing from shame is possible only by coming to a deep understanding that true nature our personality has nothing to do with our supposed but erroneous beliefs about ourselves.

Because in working with a psychologist, we challenge the distorted beliefs we have believed in throughout our lives, heal the wounds of our inner child, address our needs, reveal the lost parts of our own "I", the core of our shame weakens and decreases.

Defining shame and understanding the process of its formation in ourselves, gives us the opportunity to control this feeling. For example: what or who causes my shame? How do I experience a “shame attack”? Am I taking out my anger or anger on others, or am I going crazy with painful self-criticism? What helps me get over my shame and feel like I'm okay again? What reduces my tendency to shame?

For most people who grew up in adverse and difficult environments, reducing the impact of shame on a person is a long-term and possibly continuous process.

Psychotherapy is perhaps the only place in life where this kind of research is possible. A qualified psychotherapist can provide the objectivity and support needed to reverse our negative self-images and reassess the events that have made us believe we are unworthy of love.

People who were abused, abused or harassed at a young age, or who experienced painful events as adults, such as losing a job or adultery may experience a deep sense of shame and blame themselves for what happened.

In a consultation with a therapist, in an atmosphere of safety and security, you can question your sense of shame and, ultimately, get rid of it.

You can really get to the bottom of the truth, understand what really happened and see your role in it all.

My work experience shows that, in most cases, the role of the client is completely disproportionate to the feeling of shame that consumes them so much. Usually they are more ashamed than they need to be. This goes to show how much shame can consume a person's personality and affect their self-confidence. You may also begin to understand the extent to which shame is controlling you at this time.

Thanks to your experience of working with a psychologist, to whom you open up but are not rejected, it becomes possible for you to release feelings of shame.

By shedding light on what seemed dark and dirty in the safe environment of an open mind, we will be able to destroy the foundation of shame and set you free.

Dealing with shame with the help of a therapist takes courage. However, you will be greatly rewarded.

By examining our most painful beliefs and feelings, we may realize that the truth about us is very different from what we originally believed. We learn that we are not bad. We learn that we are, in fact, desirable and even attractive people.

Tags: Psychotherapy , Self-doubt , Shame ,

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What is shame, each of us knows. This is an unpleasant sensation that causes internal imbalance. It can be so strong that it interferes with normal activities for a long time. How does shame appear (this is an alien burning feeling), is it worth eradicating it? How to treat him right? You will find answers to all these questions in the article.

Is there a sense of shame

In fact, a developed personality understands that in this world nothing is completely ashamed. But the nuance is that if you go out to Red Square in an improper form, then this will be fraught with at least a conversation with the district police officer. First of all, you need to understand that it is bad not just to commit some unsightly act. The problem is that shame is a feeling that arises if people who do not understand the situation find out about this action.

We are all human, and the body of each of us works purely individually. Some of us need more food, water, love, work, entertainment, sports, recreation, and so on. Shame is the result of a society not accepting a behavior. After all, there are always people who live by opposite laws.

Feelings of shame are brought up by the environment

A primitive example can be given even from the life of students who live in a hostel. In the room where excellent students live, there is always an atmosphere of cleanliness, order and the desire to learn. Tell the neighbors that you went to the last weekend night club, such a student cannot. After all, his act will be considered improper for an educated person, well-mannered person. That is, he will experience shame (this is an unpleasant feeling of guilt for wasting his time irrationally).

There is also a completely opposite room. It is constantly noise, guests and fun. All residents believe that it is not necessary to study, because you can somehow agree with the teachers. In extreme cases, the control can be written off. In this room, everyone is constantly dressed up and in the evenings they go to discos or somewhere else. In the company of such students, it is simply unacceptable to declare that you spent last weekend with a summary of electrical engineering. As a result, they will say that living like this is boring and wrong. Such a student will think: “I am ashamed in front of my friends because I have become like those nerds.”

The norms that society requires

From childhood, certain norms of behavior should be instilled. If desired, becoming an adult, a person improves and improves them. Such moments include:

Wipe your hands on the tablecloth.
Make slurping sounds while eating.
Loudly tap the fork on the plate.
Use a toothpick in front of everyone.
Clean your ear with your finger in front of someone, and so on.

From childhood, we are taught that there are certain norms. public behavior. And it's a shame to break them. Of course, it all depends on the contingent in which the person falls. That is, if he is in an ordinary working environment of the most ordinary people, then the phrase: "I'm ashamed because I took a sip of tea loudly," - no one will understand. But if the interlocutor is a highly intelligent person, then in front of him it is inconvenient even to accidentally hit the dishes with a spoon.

Shame in raising children

Unfortunately, the concept of shame is often misused. This is done to protect the child from unwanted behavior. For example, the kid plays in the yard and greases new pants. Parents scold him, in every possible way point to misconduct. As a result, the phrase “Shame on you” is sure to sound. That is, the child gradually understands that for his misdeeds he must experience a certain feeling. He may not see any problem in smearing new things. After all, he just took a step to the side, and next to him was a dirty bench. But apparently, mom and dad don’t understand this, so it’s much easier to lower your head and demonstrate that shame is indispensable here.

Unfortunately, gradually such a person becomes withdrawn. He is afraid to say or do anything, because any of his actions will be judged as wrong. And everyone will know how he feels at the same time.

An adult who is ashamed

In the world of adults, things are somewhat different than among children. An adult child who was constantly reproached for doing the wrong thing, causing him to feel uncomfortable. Such a person does not understand well that you can do without shame. And those around him intuitively catch his fear.

The probability of falling into the company of exceptionally good, soft people, reverently related to his feelings, is extremely small. Usually people around "probe" weak spots starting to manipulate mercilessly. They can deliberately model any situation in order to cause a feeling of shame. That is, an adult must understand the situation and be able to get himself out of childhood fears of this kind.

Shame in front of people who don't understand

The point is not to renounce shame altogether. This feeling is an indicator of prohibitions imposed from outside. The feeling is very unpleasant, reminiscent of a burning sensation inside. There is a desire to hide and erase one's own misdeed from memory. Is it worth it to feel shame in front of those who could understand what happened, but do not want to do this?

One should convince oneself that any condemnation of any impartial act is chivalry. As you know, gay people are most condemned by those who deep down are strongly disposed towards them. People who do not really care about such a problem are interested in completely different things. And guilt and shame in front of them because of some stupid things or situations that need to be explained simply do not arise.

Another example suggests that if you clearly point your finger at someone, you are actually pointing at yourself. If it turned out that the interlocutor committed some involuntary act, then you should not point a pointer at him and shout about it all over the street. By such behavior, the one who allegedly keeps order shows his natural involvement in this kind of thing.

Working with shame

An adult must decide for himself whether something is acceptable to him or not. And stick to people's respective views. Keeping the psyche healthy in this case is much easier. Thus, he will experience a sense of shame exclusively in front of himself.

It is best to treat this sensation as an indicator. An adult person chooses with whom he communicates. That is, if there is an unpleasant burning sensation inside, then here, rather, there is manipulation. Perhaps real or very old. You should not suppress the feeling of shame within yourself, but try, on the contrary, to extract it.

It is necessary, despite the discomfort, to sort out the situation on the shelves. That is, you need to find out:

What happened.
Own attitude and reasons.
The opinion of the interlocutor (one or more).
Who else will know and how they will react.
What to do next.

Answers on questions

It is necessary to honestly and without hesitation determine for yourself the event that has occurred, causing an unpleasant feeling inside. Then you need to answer the question about the reason for what happened, but you can’t deceive yourself here. That is, the nature of what happened is that the situation was misunderstood, some unacceptable remark was released, an impartial act was committed due to poor health, and so on.

Then it is very important to understand how the interlocutor reacted to what happened. If his reaction turned out to be arrogant, judgmental and cruel, then thoughts should arise about how the dialogue with this person even happened. Rather, it is not necessary to communicate closely with him. You should also probe those people who may find out about the misconduct.

In the future, you need to behave as if nothing had happened. At the same time, you should draw your own conclusions. That is, if the interlocutors turned out to be people who showed cruelty, then communication should be minimized and rejoice for the people for whom everything always happens exceptionally perfectly. Because there is no such thing in nature.

Who do you prefer to be friends with?

If a person reacted normally, then you should give him a plus. It also characterizes the interlocutor very well his ability to ignore the situation. But there is a moment of sincerity here, and it must be felt.

That is, you need to communicate with those who are interested in their own lives. Such people will not bother their heads with some peculiarities that happened to their comrade. On the contrary, if they see that a person is very worried about something, feels shame, guilt, then they will try to get him out of this state. Very often it happens that the one who committed a seemingly shameful act did not have a bad intention. And there is an unpleasant feeling. In this case a true friend will help to see that the act of an egg is not worth a damn.

That is, should we be upset because of what we are not really guilty of? The logical answer is no. It is better to treat shame not as something unpleasant and requiring a valve in the far corner of the subconscious. You need to take this feeling as an indicator. Thus, it will be possible to turn it to your advantage and improve your well-being.