How to overcome anger. Chinese medicine, Wu Xing system, irritation and anger

The energy of anger is perhaps the strongest of all emotional energies. accessible to man in his normal state. That is why its active manifestation causes fear and is under an unspoken ban in any society. People with early years the idea of the inadmissibility of expressing and even feeling the slightest hint of anger is instilled.

In my constant interaction with people, I was surprised to find that most of them try to avoid even using the word "anger" in relation to their feelings. They say: “I am annoyed”, “I am angry”, “I am offended”, while hardly anyone will say: “I am angry”. Anger in mass consciousness turned into something forbidden, it is allowed only when it is righteous.

However, this is just a name for an emotion, and the attitude towards this name quite clearly shows the attitude towards anger in general.

The Chinese consider anger to be the manifestation of wind energy at the emotional level, and they seem to be right, because a person overcome with anger can act as quickly, strongly and recklessly as never before. Anger comes like a hurricane: a second ago it was not there, and now you are already captured by it. It always requires expression, whether by word or action.

Any anger, no matter how we call it and for whatever reason it arises, is always the result of our desire or fear. In the case when we are afraid, aggression is a form of defense, because it is known that best defense is an attack. I have been convinced more than once that the basis of chronic aggressive behavior in both men and women is an attempt to hide from others and oneself a boundless feeling of fear, regularly dousing everything inside with icy cold. By constantly lashing out at others and giving them threat signals, such people seem to create a safe space around themselves. But, as a rule, having scared everyone away, they remain alone.

Another cause of anger is desires that we cannot satisfy as soon as they arise. Whatever hinders the achievement of what we want, whatever reason comes between us and the object of desire, we will be angry at this reason. We are walking down the street and suddenly it starts to rain and we don't have an umbrella. We want to stay dry and beautiful and we are afraid to get our feet wet, therefore, we get angry and scold the skies, the weather and our gullibility to the predictions of weather forecasters. We experience sexual desire, and our partner has a headache, or he simply does not want to take the time to relieve our tension, and anger flares up instantly. We pray to the Lord for good luck, but only bad things happen to us - guess who we will be angry with?

The more unfulfilled desires a person has, the easier and faster he falls into anger even at the slightest provocation. But this emotion accompanies desire and fear, it does not exist on its own. This is an axiom that any person who seeks to understand the causes of his conditions must firmly grasp. Even if it seems to you that you are slightly annoyed for no reason, just because you are tired, believe me: the reason for your annoyance lies in the fact that during the day one of your desires did not come true.

The ban on the expression of anger leads to the fact that, being suppressed, it does not disappear, but, on the contrary, accumulates in the unconscious part of our being and in the body. For example, my boss tells me that I am an idiot who gets paid for nothing. I would like to explain to him that this is not the case and, it seems to me, if his leadership style were not so mediocre, my salary would be higher. However, the laws of subordination and the fear of dismissal force me to remain silent, although anger has already flared up and requires action. But I have to control myself and control my condition. If I lose control, I will start to answer, raising my voice, maybe even yelling at him, and if the anger takes over me completely, then I will take it and hit him in the ear. To prevent this from happening, I will restrain my emotions through involuntary, unconscious muscle tension. I will clench my jaw and fists, my shoulders and neck muscles will tighten. If I don’t take out my anger later by taking it out on those who obey me, for example, on children, then muscle tone will remain elevated. With constant suppression of anger, my arms will become heavy, my shoulders stiff, and my throat and jaws tight. The stronger the clamps in the throat and jaws, the poorer my facial expressions will become, and my face will gradually turn into a mask.

One who is filled with the energy of anger, but does not realize it, is prone to mechanically repeating various swear words in his speech. Whether it will be a mate or some more literary curses does not play a role, their very use indicates in large numbers repressed anger. The constant search for the flaws of others and ridicule them testifies to the same. Finally, the intonations with which a person speaks show his state: when notes of irritation and aggression constantly slip through them, then even the phrase “I love you” intonation sounds like “I will beat you”.

Just as in the case of fear, an excess of anger inside leads to the fact that the first reaction to any news or event will be anger, and after a while feelings more adequate to what happened come. Any dominant emotion will color the entire existence of a person in its own color: accordingly, a frightened person will seek safety, and an aggressive person will fight with everyone: both with people and with circumstances. It is anger that will influence his mind, maintaining stereotypes of thinking and perceptions that correspond to the idea of \u200b\u200bendless enmity, as if the whole life of this person was spent in a fighting ring.

Very often, the ban on the direct expression of anger gives rise to situations where a person demonstrates his feelings indirectly, bypassing the existing taboo in a roundabout way. Such a manifestation, for example, is resentment. It concentrates what a person cannot say, looking into the eyes of his offender. This is a way of indirect presentation of anger, when one person, with all his behavior, shows to another that the actions of the latter are unacceptable for himself. For example, I wanted my friend to spend a Saturday night with me over beer and watching football, but he refused me without explaining the reasons. I did not dare to express my complaints to him, after all, this is my friend, and I don’t know how to express myself like that. However, my expectations do not allow me to easily accept rejection, and my heart is filled with resentment. She will lie there like a stone, forcing me to distance myself from communication with him, to behave coldly until the emotions resolve themselves, or until my friend behaves in such a way that I forgive him.

I have seen people who harbor years-old grievances as if they were inflicted yesterday. What could have been dealt with immediately by expressing anger at the moment it arose, these people carried with them for years, filled with self-pity and suffering. It is unlikely that all this brought them happiness. Resentment is a senseless torment that exhausts the one who cherishes it.

Until we recognize the fact that unexpressed anger destroys us, affecting our health and relationships with people, it will be very difficult for us to overcome the inhibition of expressing anger. Until we see how the mechanism works inside us, forcing us to suppress our natural reactions and evocative guilt, if we have not coped with ourselves, we will not be able to change anything.

Suppressed anger requires expression, its pressure from within is so great that at first it is very difficult for us to even look at it. For this reason, the best way to start working with anger is to practice expression. For example, there is a well-known psychotherapeutic technique during which a person violently hits a pillow for 20-30 minutes, throwing out all the accumulated rage. Another way of expression is described in the second part of Osho's dynamic meditation: when a person, through the chaotic movements of the body, allows any accumulated energy to be expressed, and anger in this case is far from the last place. The difficulty with these practices is that at the very beginning, the mind, which is used to blocking the manifestation of anger, will begin to resist and will say: “You are acting stupid, you look funny, this is unworthy behavior, etc.” It is very difficult for most people to overcome their psycho-emotional stereotypes and allow the energy of anger to flow freely. It must be understood that the key to success in practice lies in allowing. Your own mind does not allow you to freely manifest what you have long been overwhelmed with. You can say to yourself, to your mind, something like this: "I want to express my anger, I want it to pour out completely, I allow it to happen." The main thing is to overcome the first resistance, it is purely mechanical, the inertia of habit. At this moment, you have to do the exercise through force, feeling that no anger comes out of you, that you are wasting your time. Don't fall for this trick of the mind. Be persistent and keep going. If not from the first time, then from the second, the third you will succeed, the dam will collapse and the energy will flow in a stormy stream. Then you will feel so much pure, uncomplicated rage in yourself that it will seem to you that it is enough to destroy half of Moscow in a second.

The ocean of anger that appears before your inner eye can frighten you, and you retreat. This is wrong and stupid. Fright is a typical newcomer reaction, because the reality that opens up to you is most often radically at odds with your ideas about yourself. As long as you are afraid of your anger, it will be your master, but if you get rid of fear, it will become just one of the emotions, and you will not need to submit to its control.

No matter how terrible the sight of the accumulated anger may seem to you, you should not be upset, feeling sorry for yourself again and again, you just need to continue to work on its expression daily. Your efforts will be rewarded by the fact that the tension inside will subside somewhat and it will be possible to observe how and why you are angry. You will be able to see the whole chain - from desire and expectation to the emergence of anger and its suppression. If you do not understand how the habits that control emotions work, you will not be able to get rid of them.

Through the body, we can only express part of the repressed anger, the other part must find an outlet through the channel of speech. Unblocking this channel is a more subtle and difficult task. The easiest way is to shout in the form of an exercise. A wild and frantic, unrestrained scream should come out of your chest. It can be short and sharp, or drawn out, but as loud as it is possible for you. For many, this exercise fails for the reasons outlined above. But if you want to get rid of tension in the throat and muscles of the face, you need to master it to perfection. This cry should be given easily and without effort, so that at any second you can bark so that everyone around flinches.

When you master this skill, you can move on to the next one. The essence of this exercise is to begin to speak out loud about your feelings sincerely and without fuss. Our fear of showing our true experiences contributes to suppressing them. We are shy and afraid of being misunderstood by others. Therefore, starting to sincerely talk about how we feel in this moment, we are working to overcome the habit of hiding from everyone, including ourselves. Speaking sincerely about our feelings, we gain freedom that we did not know before, and we feel uplifted. The people around you feel it. Sincerity disarms those with whom we communicate, and most often they have to respond to us in kind. Opening our feelings, we break down the barriers that we ourselves have erected, and help others to do the same.

This practice helps you learn to express your emotions directly and adequately. Sooner or later, the moment will come when you will be able to express your claims to anyone in a form that does not offend him, but at the same time conveys the essence of your dissatisfaction. This is the end of working with the ban on the expression of anger, since the ability to calmly and clearly articulate your claims is a sure sign that you own the situation, and not the situation you.

The adequacy of our reactions and actions to what is happening at the moment is a sign and criterion of our awareness.

In the process of further work, we may encounter layers of anger lying very deep, which, express - do not express, do not change at all. Like a dark clot, the energy of anger lies in our unconscious, making us ready to fall into a rage at any moment. In this case, again, observing your emotions helps. This work takes time, it is not fast. Returning to these layers again and again, we simply become aware of them and “inwardly” look at this energy. And it gradually disappears without a trace, like snow under the rays of the spring sun.

Further work with anger lies in the awareness of our motives and desires, with which it is inextricably linked. Whether we like it or not, whether we like it or not, anger has no independent existence of its own - it is always a consequence. Therefore, it is impossible to transform it into compassion without understanding the causes of its occurrence.

A person can express not only positive, but also negative emotions. Usually to positive emotions people have no complaints. But they learn to manage negative emotions. Undoubtedly, one’s emotions, for whatever reasons they may arise, must be dealt with, since in their negative aspect they often make a person destroy, destroy and cause harm, which is unacceptable by society. And one of those negative emotions is anger.

All people are angry. The Internet magazine site calls anger a natural manifestation of a person who, for some reason, suddenly became dissatisfied. Anger differs from aggression in that anger is an emotion and is a state. Anger precedes aggression, and aggression is based on anger.

Anger is an emotion that arises in a person in response to the reality that surrounds him. Usually anger is a response to troubles, unpleasant events, something that a person did not expect or did not want to receive. expected something or hoped for something, but achieved a different result. As a result, internal anger arises, which, if it grows, will turn into aggression.

Bad things always happen at the wrong time. Therefore, there is no need to be angry because you did not expect something, but it happened. Nobody ever expects something bad to happen. All people hope only for good things to happen. But life is not a utopia, so troubles happen and they are never timely and welcome.

Troubles always occur at the wrong time, you should already get used to this and learn to react calmly. Realize that negative events will happen and will always be unwanted. But you have a choice: take it easy on what happened and just survive it, or react violently to it, trying to return what has left you. In which case do you think you will suffer more? You yourself will hurt yourself only from the fact that you start to fight reality, trying to return the happiness that you had before this event. You do not accept the present by trying to return to the past. Have you ever been able to overcome real world and turn back time?

Some troubles are temporary, fleeting, some are life-changing. But in any case, you have to get used to what happened, trying to fix the problem. And here, calmness is important, which helps to think soberly and see the whole picture, and not just part of it.

What is anger?

Anger means violent backlash person, which is expressed in a change of mood, negative attitude to ongoing and disruptive behavior. Usually a person in a state of anger does not sit still. He actively gesticulates, trying to do something. Often anger becomes the cause of the destruction of property or fights between people.

In a state of anger, a person does not think and does not control his actions. This is the period when he considers all his actions to be correct, since they are usually aimed at destroying the trouble that caused them. This should be understood by others, who begin to wonder why a person is angry. He no longer thinks, he simply acts. It will be difficult to get through to his mind. It is important here to protect yourself from a person while he is in a state of anger.

Anger is an emotion aimed at destroying, suppressing or eliminating what caused it. It can be either a person or some inanimate object. You should be aware that anger is a short-lived emotion, which is good both for the person himself and for those around him. Therefore, it is not uncommon to advise people in a state of anger to withdraw from society until the emotions subside, which will not take much time.

In a state of anger, a person becomes very tense. His face expresses anger, his muscles tighten, his body becomes like a stretched string, his fists and teeth clench, his face turns red. A person “boils” inside, feels a huge surge of energy, which is aimed at eliminating the trouble that caused this emotion.

Controlling oneself in a state of anger is quite difficult, as even psychologists say. Usually anger is dangerous because thinking process turns off, and turns on instincts aimed at destroying the enemy (troubles). However, a person is able to control himself. This will require practice and a conscious approach to what is happening.

Reasons for anger

Anger is not bad emotion, because it is given to a person to maintain his balance and harmony. If a person finds himself in a situation of danger, then he needs anger, which gives energy and the ability to protect himself. However, in modern conditions In life, a person rarely encounters situations when he needs to fight for his survival. Therefore, anger was transformed: it began to arise in situations that are simply associated with some destabilization of life's comfort.

The reasons for anger are:

Prolonged fear or discomfort, during which the person endured discomfort.
and various obstacles that prevent a person from achieving his goals.
Insults and criticism of a person who, at the same time, feels morally disadvantaged.
Rejection by another person.
Demonstration of objectionable behavior.
Not getting what you want.

The longer the anger lasts, the more exhausted the person becomes, whose energy spills right and left, often without productive results.

Each reader should understand that his anger is a reaction to what is happening, which simply does not suit him. As already mentioned, life is not obliged to please a person all the time. Periodically, situations will arise that are unpleasant for a person. If you always treat problems and troubles as quite normal phenomena in life, then anger can be controlled. This emotion will simply indicate that you do not like it. And the energy that anger will produce can be channeled into a constructive channel.

How to manage anger?

Anger arises only in a situation where something does not suit a person, while there is a feeling that this can be dealt with. Everyone develops anger in their own way:

Alone long time they burn, but then subside.
Others instantly light up and first take actions (often destructive) that already calm them down.

It is not necessary to say that a person in a state of anger can control himself. Often, this emotion turns off consciousness, so that a person thinks less and acts more to achieve a single result - the elimination of obstacles, troubles.

People don't always react negatively to anger. For example, anger caused by injustice is considered noble, because a person under its influence tries to restore balance. Also, anger on the part of a man is considered attractive. It refers to the strength and masculinity that should be inherent in a man. Moreover, if a woman shows anger, she is called weak and irrational.

Regardless of the positive and negative aspects that anger gives to a person, it still needs to be managed. It is not proposed here to eliminate it or ignore it, which cannot be done because of the strength of its effect on a person. Psychologists recommend using anger in a good direction, that is, when it occurs, do things that you will then be proud of, and not regret doing them.

Managing anger means directing its energy in a direction that is beneficial to you. If you are angry, give yourself the opportunity to stop a little and think about what you want to achieve and how to do it so that later you do not regret what you have done and do not pay.

How to deal with anger?

Do not blame yourself and criticize yourself for giving in own anger. You won't help yourself and you won't fix the situation. Anger will arise in you in a situation where your expectations are not realized. Here it is recommended not to be offended by yourself because of the angry nature, but to develop a strategy that helps to cope with anger.

Switch your attention. To reduce the "degree" of your anger, just switch your attention to something else. Stay in a different situation for a while until your emotions subside.
Understand what's going on. Often people get aggressive because they don't quite understand what's going on. In fact, nothing threatens them, they received incorrect information, they were deceived, etc., which makes them angry. In order not to succumb to emotions, you need to understand the situation, whether your anger is really justified.
Throw out emotions. Here psychologists offer to do active sports, beat a pear, dishes or a pillow. You can even hang up a photo of your opponent and throw darts at him. Emotions are not recommended to be suppressed, as they will splash out again in any irritable situation.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Try to admire yourself when you are angry. Usually a person cannot look at himself while in this state.

Psychologists recommend analyzing what is happening every time and understanding how your anger was senseless and unreasonable. This should be done after you have calmed down. Understand the situation, understand what caused your anger, how necessary it turned out to be. At the end, make a conclusion for yourself how you will act in the future in similar situations. Try to stick own decision. Take control of yourself if you want to be a strong person.

How do you end up controlling your anger?

You can learn to control anger if you learn it and make every effort:

If you hurt your feelings dignity, then allow yourself to relax on the criticism and insults of the opponent. If he doesn't like something, that's his problem. And you do not strain because someone does not like something.
Self-defense. If something threatens your life, body or personality, then allow your anger to manifest. You need to protect yourself, otherwise people will sit on your neck or start disrespecting you.
Denial of your desires. If you are faced with a situation where other people live in a way that makes you angry, then you need to relax. Don't interfere in other people's lives. Let them be as miserable, wrong, and sick as they seem to you. Better take care of yourself. Don't let other people live the way they want to.
Unfulfilled desires. Anger can also be the result of not achieving goals. Here you should calm down in order to be able to analyze what happened and see own mistakes. It was you who took some actions that did not allow you to achieve your goals. See what you did wrong, and then correct the actions.

Anger is a rejection of a situation that happens to a person. There can be many reasons, as well as strategies for one's own behavior in the event of anger.

Anger is a fundamental human emotion that was given for the purpose of enabling the individual to survive in a wild and dangerous environment. Even in ancient times, anger helped people a lot, many obstacles were overcome. However, society has evolved, the need to express their negative emotions gradually decreased. It was not possible to get rid of anger completely, people and in modern world continue to artificially create trouble for themselves that arouse anger.

The meaning of the word "anger"

This is a negative emotion. One might even say that she has aggressive character and is directed towards another person or object. If this is an object, then an individual can easily destroy it, if a person - offend, subdue.

Anger is when everything starts to boil and boil inside, the face turns red. It looks like it's about to explode real bomb. All hatred, all resentment accumulates - they cause negative consequences. The most dangerous thing is that in anger a person cannot always control his emotions. Sometimes everything comes to aggression, the individual is in and does not understand what he is doing. At times like this, it's better to have no one around. With a clouded mind, you can do anything, harm and even cripple.

Usually aggression does not last long. It's an instant impulse. A person quickly lights up and quickly fades away. However, anger is no joke. If the individual is frequently affected by this emotion, it is best to consult a physician.

Anger: what are the causes?

Aggression builds up in a person various reasons. Perhaps something went wrong at work, at home with a loved one is hard to find mutual language. The definition (what anger means) hardly conveys all the feelings that a person experiences during a breakdown. Even an elementary trifle can sometimes lead to an “internal explosion”. What are the causes of anger?

1. Contrasting Beliefs

The character of a person begins to form from childhood. We are all brought up differently, everyone is taught something, something is explained. This forms in a person the concept of morality, rules, principles. However, the beliefs of one individual do not always correspond to the rules of behavior of another. The brain is programmed like a computer, and when the system encounters an unknown concept, it starts to slow down. So is man. If he meets a belief that is not like what he is used to, he perceives this as a threat, a danger. As a result, anger wakes up - an emotion that definitely does not decorate us.

2. Fear

Another reason for aggression is subconscious fear. It is worth noting that in the modern world, a person very often creates problems for himself. Let's take a simple example. The man settled down Good work, everything is going great. However, for some reason, he begins to fear that he will be fired. All these feelings gather inside and turn into manic fear. What happens next? The boss calls the employee to him to point out a mistake or praise. At this time, something begins to happen in a person’s thoughts - all feelings are sharply intensified, he winds up that the boss is calling to him to fire him. As a result, anger is provoked. This is not surprising, a person perceives fear as a danger.

3. Stress

Stress is most often experienced by people with good manners. Surprisingly, this is true. Such individuals do not express their negative emotions, everything accumulates inside - resentment, pain, fear. A person tries to be correct, does not be rude to others, does not raise his voice, does not show his displeasure. You can not do it this way. You can't hide everything inside, because one day "the bomb will explode." This cannot be avoided. What is anger? This is great amount negative emotions that accumulate in the soul over time. If you do not speak out from time to time, then the day will come when a person will simply break loose and turn from a decent individual into a real beast.

4. Feeling good

No matter how strange it may sound, the cause of anger can be a person. Illness, aching pain that you have to endure - all this negatively affects self-control and creates the prerequisites for a sharp change in mood. The end result is anger and rage. A person simply begins to annoy everything around, it seems that everyone wants to harm him. Here everything is woven into one knot - stress, fear, beliefs.

How to conquer anger?

Anger is as much a human emotion as joy or sadness. It is completely impossible to get rid of it. Even if someone succeeds, the individual feels inferior. Peculiarity human essence is that he must show all his emotions in order to learn self-control. Anger is not the best best emotion, there are several ways to protect yourself from sudden outbursts of rage so as not to harm others.

1. Learn to listen to yourself

Anger always has a precursor. It could be Bad mood, well-being or irritability. You need to learn to listen to yourself and see these moments in order to avoid sudden outbreak rage. For example, you are talking to a person and you feel how everything starts to boil inside. This means that you start to get angry. How to proceed in such a case? There are several options for the development of events:

change the topic, perhaps it is she who awakens negative emotions;
end the conversation.

If you notice that in recent times rage is experienced more and more often - this is a wake-up call. What is anger? This is a violation. Keep a small notebook and write down all situations that make you irritable. At the end of the week, you need to analyze the records. If you yourself see that anger sometimes wakes up from scratch, then you can’t let everything take its course. Maybe you just need a rest? Take a day off, spend it alone with your inner world. Read a book, take a bath, relax.

2. Control and good rest

Sometimes, in a fit of anger, a person can commit a terrible act, which he will later regret unspeakably. To avoid this, it is very important to learn to control your emotions. This does not mean that emotions now need to be suppressed. If you suddenly begin to feel irritation inside, try taking a few deep breaths and exhaling - breathing exercises calm the nervous system.

Another interesting option psychologists recommend for anger control. So, you managed to restrain yourself and not break into your interlocutor. Now we urgently go home or to another secluded place. We take a piece of paper and write a letter to the person who caused a violent negative reaction in you. Write whatever you feel. The more rage on paper, the calmer it will become in the soul. Then this letter must be burned.

Of course, it is important to remember about rest. The modern rhythm of life rarely leaves time to sleep. However, still find an extra hour or two a week for this. Fatigue can also cause an outburst of rage.

3. Exercise

It has been repeatedly proven that exercise has a great effect on nervous system. Sign up for yoga, fitness or any other sport - several times a week will be enough for a person to splash out accumulated negative emotions.

Sometimes there is no time for sports. However, this does not mean that now you cannot get rid of rage. Cleaning around the house will help a lot - it's even better than fitness. A person concentrates on dirt, dust, how to get rid of it. There is a frenzied physical and mental stress. Psychologists confirm that cleaning is soothing. The person is satisfied with the work done, and the rage evaporates.

An easy way to calm down - breathing exercises with balloon. Inhale and exhale 10-15 times. This exercise can be practiced at work.

Summing up

The psychology of anger is a science that has been studied for a very long time. Every day something new and unknown is discovered in a person.

Helpful Hints:

Make time for yourself. You don't have to think only about the people around you. Go shopping, go to the cinema or a cafe. In other words, sometimes you should treat yourself too.
Don't create problems for yourself. Try to take things easier and remember: whatever is done is for the best.
Rest - at least on weekends, try to sleep well and stock up on energy for the next week, then there will be less reasons for stress.

As for rage, you need to release it, just do it right so as not to harm anyone. This needs to be learned.

Anger arises from violated expectations. To cope with it, you need to deal not with the feeling itself, but with the reasons that caused it. How to deal with anger? I offer a 5 simple steps method.

Imagine a situation: two drivers are standing in a traffic jam, each in his car. Another car drives past on the side of the road, bypassing the queue, and then tries to climb into the very beginning, right in front of our heroes. The reaction of the drivers is different: the first one got very angry, cursed loudly out the window and did not let it through. A skirmish ensued. The second driver shrugged and turned away. Why did it happen? Why is there a completely different reaction to the same situation?

The answer is really simple: each of the drivers assessed the situation differently. If we assume what they thought, then most likely the first driver thought something like “What a brat! Why should I stand and he shouldn't? He must stand and wait, like everyone else! It's not fair! Now I will show him how to behave! The second driver probably thought something like "Let it climb, it doesn't matter to me."

Anger, anger, rage and irritation are based on expectations. We expect other drivers to behave honestly and according to the rules. We expect the authorities to be fair to us. We require ourselves to exercise twice a week. When this does not happen - drivers do not drive according to the rules, the authorities unfairly criticize, we once again did not go to the gym - we get angry, annoyed and angry. We can say that we have some rules about "duty": someone has to do something. When such a rule is violated, we develop anger to one degree or another. The more important this rule was for us, the more it is associated with something individually valuable, the stronger the fit of anger can be. It is easiest to notice such "shoulds" in relation to other people: "He has no right to do this!" or "Children should behave normally!".

Attitude to anger and its causes

It is worth noting that people have different attitudes to anger and its manifestation. Relationships are affected by:

upbringing;
the cultural environment where the person grew up;
life experience;
in the end, books read in childhood and much more.

For example, we can learn that anger is not good and wrong and should be suppressed. If we imagine anger as a tightly closed kettle of boiling water, then it is easy to understand how it happens that anger at some point erupts in the form of intense, exciting, strong feelings. After all, when the kettle is on the stove and heats up, heats up, heats up, the water slowly boils, but there is still little steam, and it still accumulates inside. The water continues to heat up and eventually boils. There are a lot of couples, he is looking for a way out - and he will definitely find it. If you close it very tightly, then the steam can break the lid and even blow up the entire kettle. Likewise with anger. If you do not let him go out, sooner or later he will blow up the kettle. From the outside, for other people it will look like an unexpected, violent outburst of emotions "from scratch".

It happens that people are convinced that it’s okay to get angry if your feelings are rightly hurt - in addition, it’s permissible to punish the offender if you are able to do it. Such beliefs, combined with the emotion boiling inside, push to destructive behavior- aggression. Aggression is understood not only as a physical attack, but also as a verbal one: swearing, calling names, raising your voice. There are also hidden forms of aggression, such as intentional passivity or sarcastic comments.

Anger, like any other emotion, positive or negative, is not good or bad. It simply arises in response to how we assess the situation. Anger problems appear when it occurs too often, too intensely, and disrupts everyday life and relationships. We boil water in a pot or kettle several times a day, letting the steam out and controlling the heat cut, and this is a completely normal situation. But if the kettle were to boil unexpectedly, on its own, so strong that it would immediately explode, that would be a problem. Or if a boiling kettle pounced on those present, striving to douse everyone with boiling water.

If you notice regular or intense outbursts of anger in yourself and want to deal with them, then the following exercise is likely to be useful to you. Please note that it may not be possible to perform it during the anger attack itself, because a strong emotion blocks thinking. You need to choose a time when you are more or less calm, no one will distract you. In the next critical situation, you will remember the most important thing from this exercise. Especially if you practice several times. Such exercises are like playing the guitar: if you only think about playing the guitar, you will never learn how to do it. To play, you need to actually pick up the instrument and start plucking the strings.

Step one: realize that there is a choice

Anger leads to aggression. We don't always control an emotion, but what we do when we do, we control. Consider what will be the consequences of aggression? Do you really want these results? Are they leading you in the right direction? Will your relationship with the person improve? If not aggression, then how to behave differently in order to protect your interests?

Step two: find the rule

Find the rule of "should" that has been violated. Words such as “must, must, must, must, should” will help you discover it. What exactly went wrong? Who behaves not as they should, in your opinion? What do you require - from yourself, from another person, from the world? Let's call the discovered "hot thoughts".

Step Three: Cool Your Thoughts

Respond to the hot anger thoughts you found in the previous step in a more measured, sane, cool way. For example:

Hot Thought: How is he dare to say that to me! He not has the right to contact me!
More thoughtful thought: Perhaps he thinks it will be better. Maybe he makes a mistake, he also human, not robot.

Step four: prevent aggression

Think about what it is that turns thoughts into aggressive behavior. Look for explanations that allow you to show aggression or justify it. For example: "He deserved it" or "Otherwise she will never understand", or "I don't care anymore, I'm furious." Such thoughts are like scammers who trick us into doing something that we may later regret. They do not act in our interests, on the contrary, they push us to drop moral principles - and put on a show of threats, accusations, screams, or even physical attacks. Remind yourself what your payback will be if you go along with these scammers. Is this what you really want?

Step five: calm the body

Learn to calm physiology. Anger makes our heart beat, our muscles tense, our blood pressure rises, and our breathing quickens. It is an ancient automatic mechanism that helps prepare the body for fight or flight. To calm down, you need to give the opposite “command”: intentionally relax the muscle groups that are tense, or slow down your breathing. In a few minutes, everything will gradually pass.

Instruction

Important correct breathing. A deep, sharp inhalation and a slow, smooth exhalation will relieve tension. The exercise should be repeated at least five times. Effective in any situation. It slows down the heart palpitations, helps to concentrate on your body, control outbursts of unbridled aggression.

Counting up to a hundred is no less effective technique. The main rule of self-management is to stop in time and think about the consequences before giving vent to feelings. The ability to be distracted helps not to break firewood. To give a special piquancy to the numbers, objects of the account are mentally added: one lamb, two pigs, three giraffes. Absurdity makes you switch from a furious wave to a light tone.

If the situation allows, then it will not be superfluous to do exercises. Clockwise rotate the head, torso, arms, and then in reverse side. Push-ups. Squat. Any exercise stress will benefit.

Pour out rage on another object: break a plate, bottle, vase on the floor. Trample the rug on the doorstep. The main thing is not to overdo it, expensive things should be left unharmed.

Go outside, go shopping, ride a bike. Reasonable advice: in no case in an insane state, do not drive.

Imagine that you are inside the armor of an impenetrable flask. The outside world exists separately. Everything that happens in it has little to do with you. Step back from what is happening and calmly observe the development of events.