Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon My sister died, 25 years old. She left behind a 5 year old child. How can I tell him about his mother's death? Thank you.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, I sympathize with your trouble.

I think that the child needs to be told everything as it is, directly and without distorting reality. Sometimes adults, trying to protect the child, come up with various stories to explain the absence of the mother, believing that it is better for the child not to know about the death. And yet, with the best of intentions, these stories cause more harm than good. IN in this case, Truth - the best remedy. At this age, a child may have no or very fragmentary ideas about death. Moreover, the child is frightened not so much by death as such (we adults are rather afraid of it), but by the absence of his mother and the lack of understanding of the reasons for this. The child may perceive the sudden absence of the mother as the fact that the mother abandoned him, stopped loving him, refused. He may be angry with his mother and feel “bad”, feel guilty, fantasizing that his mother left because he behaved badly or was guilty of something. These thoughts can cause depression and deeply traumatize the baby’s soul. Therefore, it is very important to explain that what happened to mom is not related to him and his behavior, that mom loved and continues to love him. But life is so arranged that now she cannot be physically nearby. But her love is there, just as before. Death is part life process. All living things are born and die. Some earlier, some later, but this happens to everyone. This is the law of nature, life and man is not able to influence it.

I am convinced that you will be able to find sincere and accessible words. This could be a metaphor, a comparison (if the child has ever observed, for example, the death of an animal or insect). If you are a believer, you can rely on religious ideas about death. One way or another, it is important that, if possible, the child can perceive the concept of death without fear, as a natural part of the life process. It is very important that the child maintains confidence in mother's love and knew that his mother still loved him, despite the fact that now they could not be together. With this confidence, it will be easier for the child to survive separation and get used to the new life. It is important that the child receives answers to all kinds of “why?” and was not left alone with disturbing thoughts. Perhaps you will not know the answer to some of the questions, then do not hesitate to say about your ignorance. Children are very sensitive to falsehood.

Perhaps there is some thing, a symbol that could stay with the child and remind him of his mother, through which the child could contact his mother whenever he wants.

I wish you wisdom and patience in this difficult hour for you.

Sincerely,
Nekrylova Natalya, psychologist.

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Hello, dear readers! Today I would like to raise a very sensitive topic and talk about how to tell a child about the death of a grandmother, uncle, loved one and loved one or your favorite pet. It is impossible to be prepared for such conversations. But it’s how you talk to your baby that determines his understanding of such phenomena.

Uncomfortable Conversations

Parents often get scared, embarrassed, and lost when their children ask awkward questions. This applies not only to the issue of death, but also to the topic of sex. My articles “” and “” will help you in this matter.

Understand that you cannot avoid such conversations and explanations. Therefore, it will be much better if you think a little in advance about what to do and what to respond to. similar situation. A psychologist's advice always comes down to one thing: simple rule: You need to talk to your child about such topics, you should not avoid them.

The situation may arise due to various reasons: a misfortune happened in your family, a child saw a dead cat on the street, the topic of a funeral or death was touched upon in a movie or cartoon. Usually children don’t ask such questions just like that. Be sure to ask where he got such an interest.

Many things are incomprehensible to a small child. There were many things he had simply never even encountered. And you must teach him life. Explain and talk about everything that is happening. Don't be silent, don't avoid answering, don't be embarrassed, and don't get too emotional. Seeing your worries, the child may begin to be afraid and withdraw into himself.

Understand that in any case there will come a time in your life when your baby asks you awkward question. Gently ask where he got these thoughts, what prompted him to ask you a question.

Do not scold or yell at your baby under any circumstances. Don't say that he is too young for such conversations. If there is interest, it must be satisfied. If you don’t tell them, the children will quickly find another source of information.

What is death

Since children do not know about this phenomenon, it depends on your explanation how the baby will perceive life and death. Will he become easy and relaxed about this or will he withdraw into himself and be afraid of every rustle.

Unfortunately, there is no universal explanation. In each family everything happens very individually, but there is general principles, which will definitely help you.

If you have a deeply religious family, then all your explanations will be clear. In accordance with your faith, your attitude towards death is appropriate. But don’t forget that you can tell your baby about other beliefs. About the fact that in some countries death is greeted with a smile on the face, because it is believed that a person has found himself in a better world.

We should start with the fact that life has its own rules. First a little man is born, lives long and happy life, gives birth to children, then he has grandchildren, and then old age comes and he dies.

Tell us about old age using flowers as an example. That they are born in the spring, live all summer, giving people their beauty, and in the fall they fade, scattering seeds so that new flowers are born.

But death sometimes comes not only because of old age. A loss loved one happens unexpectedly due to an accident. And here you need to explain that your life is worth valuing. That sometimes illnesses happen, disasters happen. Speak calmly and unemotionally. As soon as your child sees your fear, he immediately adopts it.

One of my friends explained the death of her beloved animal this way: our dog went to the farm because there Fresh air and she lives better there. The baby seemed to take everything fine. But then it turned out that he had been waiting all year for summer to go to this very farm, to see his beloved dog.

What to pay attention to

It is very important to create a realistic representation. Pay attention to the cartoons your kids watch. After all, they do not show death as it really is. There, legs and arms are sewn on, the bear cub calmly gets up after the explosion and moves on, the heroes fall from a height and nothing happens to them, and so on.

Try to explain that everything happens differently in life. That you need to carefully monitor yourself and your surroundings. That crawling on the windowsill is very dangerous.

It is completely normal if a child begins to ask constant questions: is it possible to die from this wound; and this scratch is fatal. Don't laugh under any circumstances. Calmly tell us which injuries cause no harm, and which can lead to serious consequences.

In addition, pay attention to the wording with which you explain the death of your grandmother or grandfather. Saying “he left” or “she moved away” can cause harm. When the father leaves home, the child will fear that he will leave and not return. Or the mother’s long absence will be perceived as such a departure.

The child can use the theme of death in his games for some time after the conversation. Don't get scared and start tearing your hair out. Everything is fine. The children are interested, this is a new topic for them, they study it with different sides. Just always be prepared to provide clarification and answer additional questions.

Your task

The main thing is not to be nervous and not to show your emotions. You need to speak calmly, extremely in simple words, which will be understandable to the baby. If anything, he will definitely ask you a clarifying question.

If you find it difficult to cope with emotions now, then it is better to postpone the conversation, but not for too long. Read the article "". In it, perhaps you will find for yourself the right words, which you are missing so much right now.

Parents often ask the question - at what age is it better to start such conversations. There is no definite answer. Most often, children under five years old do not ask such questions. Therefore, only in essence can you understand when the moment has come.

Another point is whether to take the child to the funeral. Controversial issue. Here you should rely only on your instincts and the baby’s reaction. Some say it will useful experience. Others argue that this should never be done. Look at the situation.

Remember, talking about death helps the baby understand that life is not eternal. He begins to take his health and dangers more seriously and responsibly. He develops an instinct of self-preservation. It is very important.

Of course, you shouldn't deceive your baby. This will only undermine your authority. Having said that your grandmother simply left for another country, sooner or later your story will be revealed. Then the child will understand that you deceived him. There is nothing worse in a child's life than lies from parents.

Don't go into detailed description physiological processes. Do not shock your child with unnecessary colorful descriptions. It will be enough to explain simply and clearly what the essence of life and death is.

If your offspring is interested in this issue in general outline, then there’s no need to describe everything in detail; you can get by with a couple of general expressions and return to a more serious conversation later.

How was the concept of death explained to you as a child? How old were you when you experienced your first human death? Do you think it’s worth taking children to a funeral and at what age?

Best wishes to you!

Usually at the age of 5-6 years, a child first realizes that death is an inevitable fact of the biography of any person, and therefore of himself.

Life invariably ends in death, we are all finite, and this cannot but worry an already grown-up child. He begins to fear that he himself will die (go into oblivion, become “nobody”), his parents will die, and how will he remain without them?

The fear of death is also closely related to the fear of attack, darkness, night monsters, illness, natural disasters, fire, fire, war. Almost all children go through such fears to one degree or another, this is absolutely normal.

The fear of death, by the way, is more common in girls, which is associated with a more noticeable instinct of self-preservation in them, in comparison with boys. And it is most pronounced in impressionable, emotionally sensitive children.

What we, parents, need to do first of all is to understand our own attitude to the topic of life and death. Determine for yourself what you believe in? What, in your opinion, happens or does not happen to a person after death (it is better to explain to the child the difference between body and soul: the body is buried in the ground or burned, but the soul...). Explain your introduction, be calm, concise and sincere.

Do not lie.

Speak in simple, understandable language (say “people die” instead of “we fall asleep in eternal sleep” / “we pass on to another world”).

Reply only to questions asked. If you don’t know what to answer, just say: “I don’t have an answer yet, but I’ll think about it.”

Do not compare death with sleep (many children then begin to fear that they may die in their sleep). Like a dried flower that will never bloom or smell sweet again, a dead person does not breathe, does not move, does not think and does not feel anything. When we sleep, we continue to live and feel, and our body continues to function.

“Mom (Dad), are you going to die? And will I die too?

Here it is better to emphasize that people die in old age, and before it comes, many, many different, interesting and important events: “you will grow up, you will learn (then you can list the numerous skills that the child will master - skating and roller skating, baking delicious cookies, writing poetry, organizing parties), you will graduate from school, go to college, you will have your own family, children, friends, your own business, your children will also grow up and learn, will work... People die when their life ends. And your life is just beginning.”

You can say about yourself: “I’m going to live for a long, long time, tomorrow I want to do this and that, in a month I want to do this and that, and in a year I plan..., and in 10 years I dream...”

If a child already knows that people die at a young age, too, one must admit that this really happens, there are exceptions to any phenomenon, but most people still live to see deep wrinkles.

The fear of death can be reflected in nightmares, once again emphasizing the underlying instinct of self-preservation. Here you need to remember that fears really don’t like being talked about, spoken out loud again and again, so you should not tremble with fear under the covers, but share what frightens you with your parents.

Fears also really don’t like to be drawn. You can tell your child: “Draw what you are afraid of.” Then discuss the drawing and ask them to think about what the child wants to do with it (tear it into small pieces, crumple it up as hard as they can and throw it in the trash can, or somehow change it and make it fun and ridiculous, because fears are terribly fearful children's laughter). Also, a little later, the child can draw himself - how he is not afraid and conquers his fears (this is very therapeutic).

In the process of drawing, fears can come to life again and become sharper. It is believed that there is no need to be afraid of this, since the revival of fears is one of the conditions for their complete elimination. (Important: for ethical reasons, you cannot ask a child to depict the fear of his parents’ death in a drawing.)

Fears are worked out perfectly during sand therapy sessions.

And yes, the best strategy for parents when children’s fears arise is not to dramatize, not to create a stir, to reassure (“I’m near, I’m with you, you’re under my protection”), caress, kiss, hug, be emotionally responsive, give support, love , recognition, and ourselves - to be stable, calm and confident, to work through our own fears, and not to broadcast them to children.

What if someone close to you died? (instructions according to V. Sidorova)

Death cannot be hidden.

The closest adult, the one whom the child knows well and whom he trusts, should inform the child.

You need to start a conversation at a time when the child is full, not tired, and not excited. Not in the nursery!

During a conversation, you need to control yourself, you can cry, but you cannot burst into tears and plunge into own feelings. The focus is on the child.

Skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact is desirable.

You need to say clearly and briefly: “We have experienced grief. Grandma died (pause).” A pause is needed so that the child has the opportunity to comprehend what he has heard and ask questions that he will probably have. Answer the questions as sincerely as possible and only what you really think, in simple, accessible words.

The child’s reaction can be different, sometimes very unexpected, accept it as it is. If you cry, hug him, rock him in your arms, comfort him quietly and affectionately. If you run away, don’t run after him. Visit him in 15-20 minutes and see what he is doing. If nothing, sit silently next to her. Then you can tell what will happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. If he does, join the game and play by his rules. If he wants to be alone, leave him alone. If he gets angry, increase this activity. When you're exhausted, sit next to him and talk about the future. Don't be afraid of a child's tantrum, most likely there won't be one.

Cook him his favorite food for dinner (but no big feasts). Spend more time with your child. When putting him to bed, ask if he wants to leave the light on? Or maybe you should sit with him, read, tell him a story?

If on this or the next night the child has terrible dreams, wakes up and comes running, then on the first night, if he asks, you can allow him to stay in your bed (but only if he asks, do not offer). Otherwise, you should send him back to his bed and sit next to him until he falls asleep.

Do not avoid talking with your child about death or his experiences, do not limit the choice of books or cartoons that, in your opinion, may contain scenes that remind him of grief.

It is important to make as few changes as possible to his usual lifestyle. The child should have the same people, toys, and books around him. Tell him every night about your plans for tomorrow, make schedules, outline and - what is very important! - carry out activities. Do everything to give your child the feeling that the world is stable and predictable, even if there is no loved one in it. Have lunch, dinner and go for walks at the same time as the child was used to doing this before the loss.

Whims, irritation, aggression, apathy, tearfulness, agitation or unusual isolation, games on the theme of life and death, aggressive games for 2 months are the norm. If the nature of games, drawings, interactions with objects and other children does not return within 8 weeks to the norm that was before the loss, if after this time the child continues to be tormented by nightmares, he wets the bed, began to suck his finger, began to rock while sitting on a chair or standing, twirling his hair or running on tiptoes for a long time - he needs to see a psychologist.

Should my child attend the funeral?

This issue is resolved individually. You can ask the child himself (you need to ask 2 times) if he wants to go to the cemetery. If not, stay at home. If so, then during the funeral there should be a close acquaintance of an adult next to the child who will maintain physical contact with him and answer all questions, i.e. will devote himself only to him.

If your pet dies

The whole family can bury him and put flowers on the grave. A funeral is a farewell ritual that helps us build the boundary between life and death. Tell your child not to be ashamed of his feelings, that mourning and grieving for a deceased loved one, be it a person or a pet, is absolutely normal and natural, and it takes time to survive the loss, when acute melancholy is replaced by light sadness and reconciliation with life occurs, in which the beloved being is no longer there, but there is his image in the memory and hearts of those to whom he was dear.

Literature (for children):

1. W. Stark, S. Virsen “A Star Called Ajax” (this fiction book about how to survive the loss of a close friend, about how joy is reflected in sadness)

2. K.F. Okeson, E. Erickson “How Grandfather Became a Ghost” (it turns out that people become ghosts if they haven’t done something in their lives. According to the plot of the book, the grandfather comes to his grandson every night, and together they try to remember what the grandfather forgot)

3. A. Fried, J. Gleich “Is grandpa in a suit?” (how main character, a boy of about 5 years old, experiencing the death of his grandfather and solving for himself the problem of the finitude of life)

4. U. Nilsson, E. Erickson “The Kindest in the World” (a story about how children play funeral ritual - one summer day they decided to conduct last way all the dead animals that we could find)

5. P. Stalfelt “The Book of Death” (a small picture book, not suitable for all children and not all parents!)

6. Tales of G.-H. Andersen's "Chamomile", "The Little Match Girl" and others (very sad stories, which help to respond to feelings that arise in connection with the topic of death - look at them first for yourself and decide whether you need to give them to your child)

You can make your own list of fairy tales, myths, legends, life stories (or come up with them yourself), where the theme of death would be present, how heroes cope with the loss of loved ones, what happens to the soul after death.

Found a mistake? Select it and press left Ctrl+Enter.

Question to a psychologist

As a result of an illness (oncology), the mother of a four-year-old boy died. He lives with two grandmothers and a father. He knew that his mother was sick and went to the hospital to see her. Now he asks questions: when will we go to mom, mom left us, etc. We don’t know what to say to a child. Thanks in advance for your help.

Tatyana, hello!
The child must be told that his mother has died. And don't let age scare you. He also needs to clearly explain what death is, and when it happens, what happens to the human body. Detailed information You will find how to talk to a child in the book “Psychology of Grief”, author - Sergey Shefov. It can be downloaded for free on the Internet.
When you talk about death, you must explain that people usually live a very long time and he will also live a very long time.
I’ll explain on my own behalf - children's psyche is more flexible, the child may react very emotionally to an event, but he also quickly moves on to other things. Therefore, children often experience sad events more easily than adults. The fact that adults are afraid to tell children about the death of loved ones (parents) is caused primarily by the confusion and anxiety of the adults themselves, the inability to competently explain to the child what happened and support him. That is, your concern is largely exaggerated.
If you hide the truth from a child for a long time, he will feel it, worry, and feel lonely.. The sooner you are informed of the death of a loved one, the better. Also, children normally tolerate the situation of a funeral if there is an adult nearby who supports them, and at the same time behaves calmly, and does not constantly cry and lament. If the child was not at the funeral, then you definitely need to take him with you to the cemetery so that he can see his mother’s grave.
And further important point - the child should be told maybe not all of it, but the truth. That mom died and she won’t come back. There is no need to say that she “flew away on a cloud” or “fell asleep.” The child may be afraid to fall asleep or will look at the sky, waiting for her to return.
A close person should talk to the child, the one to whom the child is most attached and trusts. In this case, all relatives must agree among themselves on what they will say.
I wish you success! Sincerely,

Smirnova Irina Fedorovna, psychologist in Minsk or via Skype

Good answer 2 Bad answer 0

Good afternoon, Tatyana!

What happened is a huge loss for the child. And the main support in surviving this grief should be the surviving parent.
It is the father of the child who must inform the baby about the death of the mother. If the father is now in a state of deep prostration, then both grandparents can take on this mission. It would be better if it were the mother's parents.

This emotional childhood pain, grief, may not let go of the child for many years and then return in adulthood, during periods of crisis.

Be sure to say that his mother died physically, but in spirit she will always be close to him - and now she is invisibly next to him, that she loves him, the child, and will always morally, invisibly, support him, worry about him, protect him from everything bad, will help.

A child may ask about the death of his mother next questions- here are sample answers:

Did my mother die because I did something wrong? - No, it’s just her time has come. The Lord (fate) measured out exactly this life path for her.

Will I die too, like my mother? - No, you are a completely different person with your own special, unique destiny. Of course, we will all die someday, but we should not be afraid of this - after all, death is a continuation of life. But everyone has their own time to leave for another world. And no one knows when someone will die. Who will take care of me now, who still needs me? - Dad needs you, we, grandparents, we love you very much.

Most likely, at the age of 4 years, the child will hope that his mother will return, cry, and be sad. Various diseases may appear and bad habits such as thumb sucking, wrapping in a blanket, various fears, fits of anger - it is important here to treat everything with understanding, calmness, but set a limiter in time if the child goes too far.

Grief, children's grief due to the loss of their mother can be spasmodic. It is advisable to notify the teacher about this circumstance when the child goes to school.

It is important that the father devotes more time and attention to the child so that they survive this misfortune together. Tell the child more often that you love him, how much YOU love him, that you will always take care of him and protect him from any adversity. Be close, hug your baby more often, kiss him, play with him

Best regards, Evgenia.

Dyakova Evgenia Valerievna, psychologist in Vladivostok

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How to help grieving children?

How to tell your child about the death of a loved one?

The first question that people who find themselves in such a situation ask themselves is: “To speak or not to speak?” It seems that there are the same number of arguments and pros and cons. The pain of losing a loved one and caring for the child dictate the decision “not to talk, to hide, I don’t want the baby to experience the same terrible feelings as I do.” Actually it's not common sense, this little-conscious cowardice whispers: “Why talk? I feel so bad now, there's no one to take care of me about me in such trouble, and if I say, I will have to face the unpredictable reaction of the child, which I am afraid of. And instead of being with myself in my grief, I will have to take care not of my feelings, but of his. This is hard for me, I can’t handle it, I don’t want to, I won’t.”

If you realize these secret desires of your own soul to hide from others more grief and pain, it is clear that the initial decision to hide, to conceal from the child the truth about the death of a loved one, is extremely wrong and, moreover, dangerous. A child under 6 years of age forms his life position and your attitude towards the world and other people. He doesn’t understand where his mother went, why everyone around him is whispering about something, starting to treat him differently, feeling sorry for him, although he has not changed his behavior and is not sick.

Children are very intuitive. They see that “something is wrong” with the adults, their mother is not around, and his questions about her are answered with something incomprehensible (she left, got sick, etc.). The unknown causes fear. A child in such a situation can make 2 diametrically opposed decisions:

1. I am bad, that’s why my mother abandoned me, I am unworthy (of life, pleasures, joy, toys, etc.)

2. Mom is bad because she left me. Since the person closest to me abandoned me, it means I can’t trust anyone in this terrible world.

Between these poles there are a thousand possible solutions that form negative attitude to yourself, loved ones, life, low self-esteem, hatred, anger, resentment.

Therefore, no matter how painful it is, you need to inform your child about the death of a loved one immediately. If you do this later (“I’ll tell you after the funeral, after the wake, after the mourning...), the belated message can give rise to resentment towards the remaining loved ones (They don’t trust me, otherwise they would have told me right away), anger (How could he hide, he’s the father, but I loved him!), distrust (Since my close people didn’t tell me about this, it means everyone around is a liar and you can’t trust anyone).

Who should talk to a child about death? Of course, the closest of the remaining relatives, the one whom the child trusts most, with whom he can share his grief. The more faith and support the child finds from this person, the better his adaptation to the new world will be. life situation(without mom or dad, or grandfather, or brother).

Children 3-6 years old already know something about death, but have a poor understanding of death itself. Possessing a “magical” imagination, not yet knowing for sure how the world works, a child at this age believes that this will not happen to him or his loved ones. Dependence on parents at this age creates a fear that if the parent leaves the child, something terrible will happen to the child. Therefore, it is necessary to talk about the death of a loved one very tactfully, calmly, and in a form accessible to the child. You must be prepared and accept any emotional reaction child to this message, answer all his questions.

In addition, it is very important to immediately explain all aspects of death that may cause fears or feelings of guilt in the child. If death occurred as a result of illness, explain that not all diseases lead to death, so that later, if the child becomes ill, he will not be afraid to die. (Grandma was very sick, and the doctors could not cure her. Let’s remember, you were sick last month and got better. And I was sick recently, remember? And I also got better. Yes, there are diseases for which there is no cure yet medicines, but you can grow up, become a doctor and find a cure for the most dangerous disease.) If death occurred as a result of an accident, you need to explain the fact of death without blaming anyone for it.

To prevent the child from developing a fear of losing the remaining loved ones, you need to tell him that the others want to live long and do not want to leave him alone. (Yes, my mother died, but I want to live a very long time, I want to be with you all the time, I will take care of you until you grow up. Don’t be afraid, you are not alone).

An adult must block the feeling of guilt that arises in a child (It’s not your fault that your mother died. No matter how you behave, it still happened. So let’s better talk about how we can live on). Here it is appropriate to let the child understand that now is a very important moment to reassess relationships with remaining loved ones. (You loved dad very much, and I won’t be able to replace him, but I will try very hard to give you the same support as he did.) (You always trusted your secrets only to your mom. I won’t be able to replace her in this. But I really I want you to know that you can tell me about any of your difficulties and I will help you. You are not alone, we are together.)

In such a conversation, no matter how painful it may be, the adult must accept any emotions of a child arising in connection with the death of a loved one. If this is sadness, it must be shared (I am also sad that my grandmother is no longer with us. Let's look at the photos and remember what she was like). If anger is to let it splash out (If I were you, I would also be terribly angry that dad died. Who are you angry at? After all, dad is not to blame for this. Will your anger help what happened? Let’s better talk about dad. So that did you want to tell him now? What would he tell you in response?) If it’s guilt, explain that he’s not to blame (You quarreled with your brother, but that’s not why he died. Okay, you regret it. But it wasn’t your behavior that was the reason. his death).

If the child is too small and lexicon small, you can invite him to draw his feeling (grief can be experienced in this way, no matter how strange it may seem). For example, fear can be black, sadness can be blue, resentment can be green, and anger can be purple. The main thing is for the child to understand that he is not alone and has the right to freely express feelings that will be accepted by his loved ones.

You cannot tell a child what he should or should not feel and how he should or should not express them. (Don't cry, mom wouldn't like it.) (You're old enough to cry.) (Poor orphan, now you'll feel very bad.) (You shouldn't play, because grandpa is no longer with us.) By saying things like that, we We “program” the child to express feelings that he does not actually experience. He may decide for himself that real feelings are bad, they must be suppressed, and he must demonstrate only desirable behavior to others. Such a decision can lead to emotional coldness in adulthood.

In no case should you forbid a child to show his emotions of grief (You shouldn’t cry, go play so as not to think about it). Unlived feelings of grief are the basis for psychosomatic illnesses in later life.

It is also dangerous to “load” a child with your emotions. The tantrums of relatives, their “withdrawal into themselves,” excessively shown pity can frighten (Grandma screams like that - it means death, this is something very scary), make you feel unnecessary (Mom cries all the time about Dad, but she still has me So she doesn't need me.). Cannot be programmed later life family without joy and happiness (Your sister died, now we will never be happy as before).

You cannot, wittingly or unwittingly, use the image of the deceased to form in a child the behavior desired by adults (Don’t be naughty, mom is now looking at you “from there” and gets upset) (Don’t cry, dad always taught you to be a real man, he wouldn’t like it).

The child must not only hear, but also feel that he is not alone, there is a person next to him who shares his feelings. There is no need to hide your feelings from your child; on the contrary, you can and should talk about them too. (I also miss my mom very much. Let's talk about her.) (I'm crying because I feel very bad. I'm thinking now that dad died. But I won't always be sad, and you're not to blame for my sadness. Grief sooner or later it goes away.)

At this moment, it is very important to orient the child to activity, telling him what he can do for the deceased person. And here it is very important not to make the deceased an “all-seeing eye” (Mom is now in heaven and is looking at you, so behave well), but to explain how our deeds on earth can help the deceased. If a child is familiar with the basics of Orthodoxy, this is easier, since he has already heard about the soul and what happens to it after death.

If not, tell the child in an accessible form that when a person dies, a soul remains, which during the first three days says goodbye to everything that was dear to it during life, for example, to relatives and friends. The soul is with us for three days, therefore, according to Christian custom, the funeral is scheduled for the third day, when the soul “flies away.” Until the ninth day, at the command of God, the human soul contemplates the beauties of paradise and the abysses of hell. After this, until the fortieth day, the soul undergoes trials (ordeals), in which every deed, word and even thought of a person during life is discussed. Moreover, Angels testify for man, and demons testify against him. How the soul passes this test determines its fate. And at this moment, prayer for the deceased is very important; it can provide support to the soul at such a “preliminary” trial.

By praying for the deceased, the child helps his soul. At the same time, in his thoughts he is next to him, he can feel caring for someone who is not there, more adult, responsible. At this time, the child can realize that death does not end life, that good deeds and deeds give another soul, eternal life. This understanding reduces the fear of death in children.

When telling a child about death from a religious point of view, it is important not to make the mistake of creating an image of a “terrible God.” (God took my mother, now she is better there than here). The child may have irrational fear that he too will be “taken away”. About the fact that “it’s better there” is also incomprehensible to children. (If “there” is better, then why is everyone crying? And if death better than life- Why live then?).

Also, you shouldn’t say that “grandfather fell asleep forever”, “dad left us forever.” Children think very specifically. Such words can provoke the fear of sleep (if I fall asleep, it means I will die), the fear of losing a loved one (mom went to the store - she, too, can leave forever, die).

So, what and how can and should be said among all these “don’ts”?

Choose a place where you will not be disturbed and make sure you have enough time to talk. Tell the truth. If the death was caused by an illness that the child knew about, start there. If it is an accident, tell how it happened, perhaps starting from when the child separated from the relative. (You saw how dad went to work this morning...). It’s also hard for you at this moment, but for the sake of the child you need to gather courage and help him. Watch his reactions, react to his words and feelings. Be as kind and empathetic as possible in this situation. Tell me about your feelings without showing them. Let him know and feel that you are nearby, you will not leave him. Tell them that no one can replace the deceased, but you will help fill the void as best you can. Tell your child how the funeral will take place, what is happening in the soul. Teach to pray for the deceased. Promise that you will be there and that you can talk about everything: fears, guilt, anger. Be sure to keep this promise. Be prepared to share with your child any feelings that may arise in connection with this news.

The death of a close relative is a great grief for all family members. It depends on adults, on their support and sympathy, how terrible and painful this loss will be for the child. Kindness to the child, acceptance of his feelings and emotions, permission “not to take the blame for this death,” filling the place that the deceased occupied in the child’s life will help the child get through grief without psychological “complications.”