The funniest quotes. Cool phrases, funny sayings

Sunday is the day before Monday, so he is poisoned.

Sunday has only one significant drawback - for some reason it ends twice as fast as any Monday or Thursday.

"Nadezhda Kuzmina"

Who will remember those times when he really rested on Sundays, and not on Mondays?

"Frank Hubbard"

Breakfast on Sundays is not a date. Behind him they meet with relatives whom they do not like.

On weekdays, we do not use our morality very well. By Sunday, it always needs repair.

"Mark Twain"

From the point of view of the allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There are plenty of other things I could do on a Sunday morning.

"Bill Gates"

Sunday is like a past love - only memories remain, about how good it was for you!

Sunday is holy, Monday is black, Tuesday is a devotee, Wednesday is fasting, Thursday is reread, Friday is squirming, Saturday is an initiative.

If on Sunday you did not wake up, but resurrected, then Saturday was a success.

Sunday is the busiest day. It is possible to carry out grandiose plans for a whole week, so that in the end not to carry out a single walk.

"Rinat Valiullin"

I’ll leave the Saturday massacre - I’ll survive Sunday.

To start a new life on Monday, you must live until Sunday.

"Boris Krutier"

Sunday is a good day. You don’t have to get up early, you don’t have to have breakfast in a hurry and you don’t have to run to work, do what you want. There are so many things you can do, for which there is not enough time on working days!

"Alexander Lomtev"

Heavy Sunday falling asleep is explained by a completely objective reason - the body on a subconscious level is trying to extend the day off ...

I dressed slowly. It made me feel like Sunday.

"Erich Maria Remarque"

Sunday is a tragic day. Saturday looms far behind us, and Monday is just a stone's throw away.

Sunday!? This is the best thing to hear this morning!

Sunday clears rust all week.

"Joseph Addison"

Only when you meet Monday morning do you begin to regret that you did not rest on Sunday.

Sunday. Not a day, but only a narrow gap between two ordinary days.

"Francis Scott Fitzgerald"

Sunday. Wonderful weather. I wanted to go somewhere. It turned out that there was nowhere. In the end, she got out.

For example, I really like it when it rains on Sunday. Somehow you feel more comfortable.

"Erich Maria Remarque"

Sunday was created by the Lord for children to play and have fun. And not at all in order to collect money from people or scare them with the coming end of the world.

"Haruki Murakami"

Sunday is a day of the week with a hint of disappointment. It seems like a day off, but still something is not right.

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to move away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings are a sure and wonderful tool for quickly raising a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe the exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you impress your interlocutors with wit, as well as cheer up friends, colleagues, a bored company or guests at a festive party. Cool expressions can also come in handy to “defuse” a tense situation or in awkward situations when you need to correct your oversight.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, funniest "phrases" that, in my opinion, deserve the most attention. Read on and let no one be left without a smile!

My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created for that, to add me to tea!
If I ever die because of a man, it will only be from laughter.
I am neither good nor bad. I'm kind in an evil stripe!
I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
I thought I was special, but it turned out - the best ...
It is not enough to know your own worth - you still need to be in demand.
What is, you can’t put it back !!!
So what if the wind is in your head, but thoughts are always fresh ...
Where have you seen a cat who cares what mice say about her?
If you spit on my back, then I'm ahead of you!
Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, stay out of my life.
She has not been seen in vicious relationships ... Was it not? No… Not noticed!
You need to live in such a way that others have depression!
When will they learn how to conduct light into women's handbags ?! Really needed!!!
We are strong women: we will take out the garbage, and the brain, if necessary!
Lose weight on three diets! (I can't eat two...)
He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
Women's folk fun: she came up with it herself, she was offended.
I am like champagne: I can be playful, but I can give it to my head ...
I so want to be a weak woman, but, as luck would have it, either the horses are galloping, or the huts are burning ...
Sometimes my husband shakes from me ... Still, I am an amazing woman !!!
Girls are standing, standing aside, pulling handkerchiefs in their hands ... Because for ten girls, according to statistics: 1 gay, 4 alcoholics, 2 divorced, 2 drug addicts and 1 normal, but he is married ...
What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: "I like snowflakes in your hair!" Real: "Fool, why without a hat?"
If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
How to make a girl crazy?
“Give her a lot of money and close all the shops!”
Men, let's wash, clean, cook, iron ...., and we want you!
I so want to cuddle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper ...: “Give me money!”
Sometimes I open the closet, look in it for a long time and realize that I keep two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
Classic women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. Nowhere to hang. It’s a pity to throw it away ... And there is also a department “Suddenly I lose weight” ...
You need to smile so wide that problems stumble over a smile!
An optimist is a person who, even falling face down in the mud, is sure that it is healing!
Girls, who there wanted to lose weight by spring?
This morning, while I was painting, I fainted 5 times from my beauty ...
I used to live alone and all my things were lying around in their places, but now I'm married and all things are neat and beautiful, no one knows where ...
I want fate to take me by the hair and right in the face - in happiness, in happiness, in happiness.
A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn't owe anyone anything!
The smartest plant is horseradish: he knows everything ...
Now I live only according to this principle: whoever wants - will come, whoever needs it - will call, whoever is bored - will find it! And to whom - In figs, those - In figs!
All men are bastards! All they need is just one! But why, why not from me-I-I?!
I would have sent you, but I see you and so from there!
Women are not interested in rags only if these rags are men.
If you think that life is beautiful, then antidepressants are chosen correctly.
If there are nails on the feet, then hands should be on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
There is nothing better in the world than creaking a bed until dawn!
Judging by how life is fucking me, I'm fucking sexy!
Robbers demand a purse or life, women - both.
Never do evil out of spite! Bad things must come from the heart!
The smarter a woman is, the more refined and diverse she takes out the brain of her man!
Any dirty tricks can be used properly, if there is a desire ...
Queens never get upset. When they are sad, they just execute someone...
The weaker sex is stronger than the strong one due to the weakness of the stronger sex to the weaker one.
Long live split personality - the shortest path to peace of mind!
Spring is late for us, summer is delayed ... And autumn, you bastard, is punctual!
I'm a woman - I have evil as standard!
Don't want to be nice? - Get rid of the Vaseline!
I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create ...
With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to frighten the old woman that lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus ... I’m a little stupid - I have a certificate! ..
Vasilisa was a sorceress ... Waving his right sleeve - a lake ... Waving his left - swans ... Waving another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated ...
Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Life just gets easier...
There are people, like a drug - you know that it is impossible, but it pulls. And there are people like a cake - sweet, tasty, but sick ...
I want to, like a bear: to eat up in the summer, and hibernate in the winter. And she lost weight, and slept, and did not see frost!
Grandfather Frost, I behaved well for a whole year ... and now can I beat someone ???
Caught a goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
And they take me away, and they take me away, into a colorful ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
That which does not kill us, then regrets it very much.
I am air. Don't try to hold on. Breathe while I let you breathe...
My beloved said to me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I get past the request!
I'm a very good cook... I can hang noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I'm a smart sorceress.
"Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleased, and you will not sleep ...
- You need to treat the girl carefully, like with a Christmas tree.
Cut down and take home?
- Strangers make remarks to my child! How to react?
- Teach your child a magic spell: "My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier." When pronounced with clear diction and confidently benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: "Petrify!". And more reliable. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
You begin to understand that everything is really bad when a person cries, who usually calms everyone ...
As my grandmother used to say, it's better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask "who's there?"
In any situation, say "everything is going according to plan" - you never know what kind of fucked up plan you have.
Sometimes it becomes so cool from the fact that it has become so in fig what was once so important ...
And I'll leave, not noticing the insults.
Chewing a chocolate candy.
And let the evil horse love you,
Not a sun like me.
"Darling, is it true that I'm the only one you have?"
- Yes, what are you talking about today, all agreed, or what !?
A woman, like fire, cannot be left unattended. Or go out, or burn everything to hell !!!
Alcohol does not help to find the answer, it helps to forget the question....
Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you ... I don’t understand, do you have a nervous system made of reinforced concrete or a lifetime reservation in a madhouse?
Sometimes you think: here it is, happiness! But no, damn it, experience again ...
Here you drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and the heart rejoices.
It is easy to understand female logic, it is enough to learn how to play billiards with cubes.
It is necessary to find out the relationship only with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - in figs on the shore of silence, collect shells ...
Happiness is when the previous f*ck has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when a squirrel starts to kick them out ...
A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate!
You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she does not have time to understand that she is fine without you.
If you love, let go. If it doesn't come back, track it down and kill it.
There are many other people's nerves in the world - there is no need to fray your own!
I bought a chalk from cockroaches! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head ... they sit, draw ...
Here you send someone in a hurry. And in your soul you worry: did you get there? ... didn’t you get there? ...
- Who are you?
- Kind fairy!
- And why with an ax?
- Yes, the mood is not very good ...
I got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom, and generally flew in the wrong direction ...
Give me wings, otherwise the whole ass is in splinters from the broom!
In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
- What will you order?
- I, please, nerves, mind, calmness and * zma ... Yes, more * zma, please.
Don't be a jerk - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Nerves in shock, brains in a trance, and logic generally went and shot itself.
If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I don’t kick in the eye, as my father taught me!
A realist is someone who doesn't care if the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
Whatever the rake teaches, but the heart believes in miracles ...
It's amazing how some people enjoy romantic rake walks.
If you constantly step on the same rake, then this is a fucking rake!
Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying faster on a broomstick.
Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how! Our dream is to eat and not get better!
All women are angels, but if their wings are cut off, they begin to fly on a broomstick.
A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses so that his woman has something to do, and not take out his brains.
... and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach agree with the cockroaches in the head!
Yesterday, it seemed, I gained my mind-reason ... Today I woke up - but no, I just got it ...
I don’t promise to bring to sin, but I spend ...
No need to offend me, I'm a vulnerable girl, just about - immediately into tears ... And then with tearful eyes it's so hard to understand who was hit with a shovel ...
This morning, such horrors were shown in the mirror ...
I don't drink flowers and sweets!
- Girl, why haven't we met yet?
God bless you, stupid creature...
I am not overweight. He's my spare.
Philologist woman: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
It is better to be a favorite wretch than to be an unnecessary perfection.
Listen to the voice of reason ... Do you hear? Do you hear what the hell he's talking about?
A woman needs a sense of intimacy, trust, and a strong connection to get into bed with a man. For a man - mainly - a place ...
Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to end winter?
People who helped the spring and ate the snow, why else did you gobble up the asphalt?
The glass blower accidentally sneezed at work and created a new vase for the Ikea store.
If things don't go the way you want - it's not your business, let them pass by.
Can't relieve stress? Don't dress up!!!
It is wrong to say "toad strangles." It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
Macaque koala in cocoa macala. Koala lazily lapped cocoa ...
Squirrels in spats in the bowels of the tundra dig cedar kernels. In the bowels of the tundra, otters in spats are digging cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn the gaiters from the otter in the tundra, wipe the otter kernels of cedar, wipe the muzzle of the otter with the gaiter - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
Having washed the leggings in the swamp, putting the cores in buckets, the otters with squirrels in an embrace quietly finish the jar ... Finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leggings, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
I speak English with a dictionary, so far I am shy with people ...
Sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to the guests.
There is a genius in each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
I do not know what you are taking from the head, but it obviously does not help you!
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female!
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
Take care of the Motherland! Vacation abroad!
I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster ...
Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
If a gentleman says to a lady "I understand you perfectly", he means "You are talking twice as much as necessary"!
If it is right to leave your husband, then he will definitely return ... like a boomerang.
If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people who are interested.
If you want to marry smart, beautiful and rich, marry three times.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
A man, even if he could understand what a woman thinks, he still would not believe.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Everyone wants to have a good time, but you can't.
Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
What a pity that you are finally leaving! ..
Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it to yourself.

A joke is a pile, a stake, fixed in the ground (for a berth, a leash). Boat on a leash. The ship is put on the port (also trans.: does not go to sea, put at the pier). * On a joke, someone (colloquial) is inactive, not exploited, not working. || adj. cool, th, th. (Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language (Ozhegov S., Swede N.) So, our cool statuses are about something completely different ...

Life is full of surprises ... Did the guy leave? Here is a burdock! You have such "Vkontakte" contenders 200 pieces!

Why is there no status in the "passive search" in the contact? I want to, but I'm too lazy to look

Sometimes I want to score on everything. Then I remember that I don’t do shit anyway.

The Jews are the most optimistic people in the world, they do not yet know how big they will grow, but they are already pruning.

We can suppress pain, tears, anger, love... But we can't hold back the wild roar...

Who said that a person makes himself, with his own hands? First, not by myself. Second, not your own. And thirdly, not by hand.

A person experiences the most unpleasant moments in his life due to his own inattention. For example, he notices the absence of paper in the toilet not when he enters, but when he is about to leave.

Sociological studies show that everyone who sits on a hedgehog immediately starts thinking about their ass, and it never occurs to anyone to think about a hedgehog.

A glass of champagne turns Elena the Beautiful, into Elena the Wise, two glasses into Cool Elena, and three glasses into a travel frog.

Look at your mouse now. If it is clean, then you are a woman. And if it's dirty, then to hell with it.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think, oh, the middle of the night.

Only 1% of the population believes that the label on clothes is used to know how to take care of this thing: wash, iron, etc. The remaining 99% determine from it where the back is, and where the front is.

Even the most independent person loves to have her back rubbed in the bathroom.

My head works like a clock, but sometimes the cuckoo pops up.

Vitya, a homeless man, demands to be called Viktor because he recently ate a frog.

A complete fool are two reasons why guys do not pay attention to her.

Remember the simple rule of the Russian language: The word "sorry" is said when they want to do something nasty. And the word "sorry" - when this muck has already been done.

It does not matter that you take a kitten or a man into the house! Half a year a nice little pug, and then a cunning impudent type!

Not everything beautiful can be rationally expressed in words. It happens that you like it madly, but flies off the tongue: "fuck!"

All instructions in Russian should begin with the words: “Well, you moron, have you already broken it?”

I have not said for a long time: "Go to hell!". I say: "Everyone, stay where you are!"

If a girl asks you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Just don't leave her alone! In short, good luck to you, brother.

Worms always whine that they live in the ass. This is a biography. Only outside the ass they are not viable. This is biology.

Today I went to bed at 22:00. It's already 3-10 and I still can't get enough of going to bed so early!

You can't tell a boring person that he is boring, otherwise he will start to figure out why, and this is so boring.

I have a cat like a hachiko. And also zhratiko, sratiko and ssatiko, spatiko, oratico and at night sleep nedavatiko.

There is an opinion that cats and training are incompatible concepts. Nothing like that, my cat trained me in a couple of days.

Hello, my name is Slavik. - Very nice! - It's not for long.

It seems to me that in the status: "I want to understand a woman," the word "understand" is superfluous.

I immediately realized that nothing would work out with him when I ordered cognac in a cafe, and he ordered ice cream ...

We live once! Yes, even that is not enough. And not so... And not there... And not then...

Statuses about yourself beloved (beloved)

Love for others comes and goes. Self-love - sat down and sits.

I was born to turn money into dust...

It is difficult to understand me, it is difficult to calm down and it is impossible to explain anything.

I want to learn to admit my mistakes. Although, who am I kidding, what mistakes can I have?

It is unlikely that I will improve with age ... I live easily, I don’t blow my mustache! I appreciate people who like me! I appreciate them for their good taste!

It's good where I'm not. But I'm already on my way.

I am often confused with God - they say: "Lord, you again ?!"

The help of a psychologist is, of course, good! But just yelling obscenities is much cheaper.
It's good to be a sock. You lie to yourself somewhere, they are always looking for you, no one goes anywhere without you. Plus, you have the second half. Bliss.
Everything that is not done before 30. Must be done after!
If you are considered a camel, spit on everyone!
Some have cute dimples on their cheeks, some have a sexy mole above their lip. And I have amazing bags under my eyes.

The newest cool quotes and statuses

I always knew that a professional hassle would grow out of me!)
Stuck in traffic on my way to work, texting my boss, "Hey, traffic ass, I'll be late." Answers: "Hi, the ass with the plugs."
To remove the "red eye effect" you need to sleep, sober up and everything will pass by itself!
Relationships are when you are determined that a man will conquer you, and a man is also determined that you will conquer him.
Cats and women always do what they want. Dogs and men should get used to it by now.
New cool quotes about life - Most often, after pronouncing the thesis "WE LIVE ONCE ONCE" I start doing such fucking things that the chances of surviving until the morning are sharply reduced.
There are two troubles in Russia - frosts and scumbags.
They talked enthusiastically about music, painting, architecture for two hours. When he said that he was married, there was immediately nothing to talk about with him.
I'll go to Instagram. I'll see which stores have subscribed to me today.
Today is exactly one year since I went out for a run tomorrow morning.
After a bottle of cognac, the conversation turns into a leak of information.
If I decide to make someone happy, then nothing will save him!
Little tricks: using a puncher is half the price at night if a two-tariff electricity meter is installed.
Can a decent girl live in a panel house?
I was saved from a drunken confession by a zero balance on my account.
In his loving eyes, she realized that she could take everything from him ...
There is nothing worse in the world than distance. The distance between a button and a hole on jeans.
Flutter like a butterfly, pity like a bee, wallow like a seal.
It happens that you talk to a person, and he has such a look: - the light is on, but there is no one at home.
Friends are such people: either they are, or they drink.
Boring? Do not please selfies, and you want to eat and cry at the same time? Pier to the peasant with the question "What is between us?" The game has begun!
My erotic dream for this weekend: sleep in all positions!
If a young man is shorter than you when you are in high heels, replace him with another. Don't refuse hairpins!
21st century: “Dear Santa Claus. The boy Vlad is writing to you. Please read this letter to the end. This is not spam, this is a real opportunity to earn ... "
New cool quotes about girls - Last night I closed the window and saw a star falling. Made a wish. This afternoon my lip cracked... I understood the hint.
So you are born, you grow up, you study, you go to college, then you go to work, you get married, you have children, you go out with them... And the grandmas near the entrance are still the same!