How to let go of the past once and for all. How to make a decision and not return to the past? Do not think about the past: why it does not let us go

The world, like you, is constantly changing. Time passes, and views on many things change, old values are replaced by new ones. What was important before is not so now. Throughout life, something changes both in relationships and at work, other interests and preferences appear. Over time, you get to know yourself more and more, delve into the essence of life, deliberately change something in it in order to develop further. You understand that your previous way of life has already exhausted itself. You need to accept some changes, somehow part with the past. individual people people you've known for a long period of time don't share your new values. You cherish the memories that are associated with these people, but you understand that you should not look back. You need to continue on your way.

Why should we move on and not look back?

1. The impact of surrounding people on the development of personality.

The people who interact with you take part in shaping you as a person. If a your environment- these are cynics and people with negative outlooks on life, then as a result of your communication you yourself will gradually become like them.

2. Distance from people.

There are people with absolutely opposite values. And no matter what you do and do not prove your case, you will not be able to impose your truth on them. Unfortunately, such people will gradually move away until they leave you altogether. After all, due to misunderstanding, you will not be able to communicate with each other.

3. Inconstancy of goals and interests.

What you used to think was right isn't always right. this moment. It's all because your life goals changed, just like you. You have to learn to accept the new truth.

4. Fear makes you look back.

The main stage of parting with the past is the awareness and acceptance of your fears, which do not give freedom to your spirit.

5. Living in the past.

If you are constantly trying to return to the past, then your efforts are in vain. This is wasted time. If you are able to let go of the events that happened to you before, then something new will come into your life, filled with meaning and interest.

6. Events in the past, but hurt.

If anger, hatred, resentment are firmly planted in your heart, you will not be able to open new doors in front of you and move forward. Get rid of everything that pulls you back and you will have many opportunities.

7. You cannot learn something new.

Throughout our lives we learn something. All positive change comes from learning. Without learning, we degrade.

What you need to do in order not to live in the past, but to look forward:

1. Face the truth and feel gratitude.

By letting go of the past, you should be grateful for the experience, whether it was good or bad. After all, one way or another, it still contributes to your growth. It is important to accept everything that you experienced once. Then you will be able to understand that new opportunities have opened up before you. You need to realize that everything changes in life and everything that you have experienced before is valuable.

2. Measure the distance.

In some cases, you need to go back a certain period in order to understand the situation and only then go forward. All you need is to take a short break. After that, you will be able to reassess the problem and find the best option for solving it.

3. Focus on what can be changed.

Don't dwell on things that can't be fixed. It will only take your time and energy. Better direct your energy to what can be fixed.

4. Manage your own life.

Only if peace reigns in your soul, you are able to control your life. Don't shift the blame for your failures onto others. It's all your own fault. Realize it and accept it. This is the only way you can take control of everything and move forward in life.

5. Help yourself Just as you help others, you need to help yourself.

And, you need to do it first. Reflect on the lifestyle you lead, dig inside yourself, figure out what gives you joy and pleasure, and start implementing it in life.

6. Changes in the people around you.

There are people who come into your life to make you stronger. They help you keep going no matter what. They stay close forever. But there are also people who hinder the achievement of goals. They need to be removed from life. Communicate only with like-minded people. Only they will make your way easier.

7. Importance of today.

All the bad things that happened before should not affect the future. Look forward even if you have a huge burden of the past on your soul. Let the first steps be hard. But then you will find it easier to make your way. Let go of the past, discover a new, bright, full of hope future. Do not be afraid - all fears are in the past. Don't delay anything, start making changes right now.

"HOW TO GET AWAY WITH THE PAST?"

You understand that your previous way of life has already exhausted itself. You need to accept some changes, somehow part with the past. Individuals you have known for a long period of time do not share your new values. You cherish the memories that are associated with these people, but you understand that you should not look back. You need to continue on your way.

.... The impact of surrounding people on the development of personality.

The people who interact with you take part in shaping you as a person. If your environment is cynics and people with negative views on life, then as a result of your communication, you yourself will gradually become like them.

.... Distance from people.

.... Inconstancy of goals and interests.

What you used to think was right is not always right now. It's all because your life goals have changed, just like you. You have to learn to accept the new truth.

....Fear makes you look back.

The main stage of parting with the past is the awareness and acceptance of your fears, which do not give freedom to your spirit.

....Life is the past.

.... Events in the past, but hurt.

....You cannot learn something new.

Throughout our lives we learn something. All positive change comes from learning. Without learning, we degrade.

What you need to do in order not to live in the past, but to look forward:

.... Face the truth and feel gratitude.

....Measure the distance.

....Focus on what can be changed.

Don't dwell on things that can't be fixed. It will only take your time and energy. Better direct your energy to what can be fixed.

.... Manage your own life.

Help Yourself Just as you help others, you need to help yourself.

And, you need to do it first. Reflect on the lifestyle you lead, dig inside yourself, figure out what gives you joy and pleasure, and start implementing it in life.

.... Changes in the people who surround you.

.... The importance of today.

Getting used to gray everyday life we stop noticing the opportunities that pass us by. And only by saying goodbye to the past, we have a chance to open the door to new life full of colors and wonders.

The oven timer rang, and Lena hurried to the kitchen - the meat is ready. Oleg will come home from work any minute, we need to have time to set the table. With clear, practiced movements, she spread a fresh tablecloth, arranged the plates, making sure to maintain strict symmetry. Oleg loves order.

Homemaker

The sound of an opening door was heard from the hallway, and Lena hurriedly went out to meet her husband, mechanically straightening a curl that had fallen out of her hair.

Market prices are crazy, - she told her simple news while Oleg was eating. - And I managed to remove the stain on the trousers, and there is no need to carry it to the dry cleaners.

Lena kept the main news until the end of dinner, so that her well-fed husband would approvingly accept it.
Do you remember Karina? - She asked a little ingratiatingly, putting a large cup of tea in front of Oleg and moving a dish with fresh pastries.

Can you imagine, she returned from Italy, she promised to visit tomorrow.

Oleg tore his eyes away from the cup and grimaced slightly, as if from a toothache.

She will come during the day, not for long, you will be at work, - Lena frequented. - Let's sit and chat. It's interesting...

At the institute, she and Karina were bosom friends, but after studying, their connection was interrupted. Lena, having received a red diploma, got a job as a translator in a large construction company, managed to work for a couple of years and got married. And Karina worked for some time as a guide with foreign tourists, until she picked up a rich, handsome Italian and left with him for Milan. And now, after so many years, my beloved friend has returned. Lena really wanted to meet her, only she was afraid that Oleg would not like it. He didn't like guests at all.

After dinner, Oleg sat down at the TV, and Lena, having finished her household chores, settled next to her. From time to time she took her eyes off the screen and looked at her husband. How beautiful he is! After thirty, a hint of heaviness appeared in his figure, but this did not spoil her beloved, Lena saw how other women were looking at him - with obvious interest.

“I was lucky,” the woman thought habitually and clung to her husband. She knew how other families lived, and sincerely considered herself happy. Oleg did everything to make their life as comfortable as possible. He himself solved all the problems, was the breadwinner and head of the family, and Lena left the easy and pleasant role of the keeper of the hearth.

Lost in her husband...

Karina looked like a colorful typhoon. From the threshold she almost strangled Lena in fragrant hugs, swirled, kissed her on both cheeks and laughed loudly. Then she swept through the apartment like a whirlwind, loudly evaluating what she saw.

Wow, what mansions! You did great, friend.

Lena proudly looked around her home. Yes, their new apartment was admirable - spacious, bright, expensively and tastefully decorated, furnished with beautiful furniture.

When the first emotions from the meeting subsided, the friends sat on the sofa, and Karina began to talk about her life for a long time and with taste. foreign life. She showed photos of her husband and two pretty dark-haired boys - sons. Then she asked, choosing her words carefully:

Sorry if the question is tactless... Why don't you have children? Problems?

Lena hesitated for a moment, it was always difficult for her to answer this question. In the first years after the wedding, she passionately dreamed of a child, wanted to give her beloved husband a son and a daughter. Only now Oleg did not need this gift: he gently but persistently convinced Lena that this issue should wait. As time went. Oleg got a high position, began to earn good money. But the more comfortable his life became, the less he wanted to hang a burden on himself. He said so: "Children are a burden."

You see, at first Oleg made a career, worked very hard and did not want anything to distract him from his goal ... And now it's too late to think about children.
- You're only thirty-five, women give birth at forty.
-Oleg thinks it's too late for us.

Karina realized that it was better not to continue this conversation, and changed the subject.

Tell about yourself. Where do you work?

Lena hesitated again. It was also difficult for her to answer this question. How to explain that a young healthy woman does not work anywhere, and her only hobby is housework?

Oleg makes good money and fully provides for me. I take care of the house.
-A housewife? Yes, it's boring to death! Karina exclaimed. - After all, you were the best in the course and for so many years you could have made a brilliant career.
- Oleg doesn't want me to work.
- I already understood everything about your Oleg. I only hear about him. Where are you, Lenka? You completely dissolved in your adored husband, I don’t see you!
Stop it or we'll fight.

Karina apologized, but the mood was irrevocably spoiled, and then the conversation flowed sluggishly. Soon the friends said goodbye, promising to call each other.
After Karina left, Lena could not find a place for herself. She recalled with what pleasure she studied at the faculty foreign languages how easy they were for her, how she dreamed of working in a reputable company and going on business trips. All dreams were crossed out by Oleg's one and only phrase: "My wife will not work, I will be able to provide for my family." Then Lena easily agreed to quit her job: she was happy at the thought that the man she loved wanted to take care of her. She herself dreamed of becoming a good housewife, wife and mother. And what is the result? At her disposal is a large and empty apartment, in which children's laughter will never sound again.

Suddenly Lena felt stuffy in those light walls, she felt like a bird in a cage, in a golden cage. It was late evening, it was time to cook dinner, but for the first time in so many years she did not want to stand at the stove. A timid idea so far was born and settled in my head that it was necessary to somehow change my life, to make it more complete.

In the evening, Lena tried to start a conversation with her husband about her work. Karina left her the phone number of a classmate who had recently opened his own publishing house, and he needed translators. But Oleg did not listen.

I think we once agreed that you would not work,” he said with barely contained fury. - I know where the wind blows from, it's all your girlfriend ... So that she won't have her foot in our house anymore, understand ?!

Frightened Lena silently nodded and / went to the bathroom to wash away the boiling tears.

Circumstances are changing

As time went on, Lena still took care of the house and convinced herself that she was absolutely happy. It seemed that nothing could darken her life, but one day trouble came to their house - Oleg had an accident. N miraculously survived, underwent several operations and was permanently chained to a hospital bed. Doctors gave favorable prognosis, but only on condition of high-quality treatment and subsequent rehabilitation. Lena almost went crazy with grief, it seemed to her that the world had collapsed, and in the first days she was only able to cry, sitting by Oleg's bed. But it was necessary to take care of her husband in order to put him on his feet, and the woman pulled herself together.

She had never done anything but housekeeping before, and at first she was confused. The first step was to check the state of financial affairs. There was an impressive amount on the general account, but Lena knew that she had to pay mortgage installments every month, so she couldn’t spend the money completely. Oleg had a long-term treatment, which means that she herself must earn a living. By the way, I remembered Karina's advice and the phone number of a classmate, which she left just in case.

Artem's publishing house was engaged in translated literature, and a job was immediately found for Lena. At first, she was engaged only in translations of books and articles, then she began to help Artyom conduct business correspondence with foreign partners.

You are a real professional, - he praised Lena and joked: - Yes, now I see that they give a red diploma not only for beautiful eyes.

Unaccustomed to compliments, Lena was embarrassed, but she was pleased that her abilities were in demand and highly valued. Her favorite work changed her life for the better, even her husband's dissatisfaction did not particularly spoil her mood.

Oleg was no longer in the hospital, Lena took him to rehabilitation center and was secretly proud that she had earned this treatment on her own. She visited her husband every day, brought his favorite dishes, new books, told the news and tried her best to cheer him up. He was angry at his helplessness, but admitted that Lena did the right thing by getting a job,

This is temporary, he constantly reminded, confident that after recovery their lives would return to their usual track.

Lena was silent. She liked the job, she felt like she was breathing now full chest, as if fluttered out of the cage and spread its wings. She dreamed that her husband would recover soon, but she was afraid that she would have to leave her job and turn back into a housewife.

The bird flew out of the cage
Six months later, Oleg finally recovered. He set to work with energy and was glad that he felt strong again. Having received the first salary, the man immediately announced that Lena no longer needed to work, his wife should quit and take care of the house. She tried to object, but Oleg looked so hard that her knees almost buckled with fear.

I've played hard worker and that's enough, - the husband said with a mock laugh. - Now take on the real thing - the house. And then she completely launched the economy, spread the dirt ...

Lena looked around the sparkling clean room and almost burst into tears from an unfair reproach. However, I was afraid to argue. The next day she went to work with a heavy heart - to write a letter of resignation.

You are crazy? - shouted Artem. - I was going to expand the business, new partners, new opportunities ... And you suddenly leave me? Cutting without a knife! In a month you and I must fly to Berlin for a book fair, I can't do it without you!

Lena sighed and lowered her eyes.

Len, what's the matter, tell me honestly? Maybe you better place found? So I'll give you a raise.
She shook her head and, determined to tell the truth.
Artem came up and took her by the hand.
-Decide yourself. The desire of the husband is, of course, important. But you have to live your life to be an individual.
Lena thought for a moment, then nodded and tore up her statement.

There was a scandal at home. Oleg screamed, and Lena looked at him and did not recognize - where did this unpleasant expression, angry eyes and saliva splashing mouth come from? It was the first time she had seen her husband in such anger and painfully tried to remember when was the last time she heard words of love from him, or even the usual praise?

I supported you all my life, and you dare to argue? What do you think about yourself? Yes, I'll find you a replacement in no time, younger and fresher!
After these words, Lena at first seemed to be petrified. And then she pulled out a small travel bag from the closet, quickly threw the necessary things into it and went to the door.
-Good riddance, - shouted after Oleg. - Crawl back, I won’t let you in, just know!

But Lena didn't hear it. She stepped out of the door and walked away without looking back. The sky was covered with clouds, but the soul was light. Let Oleg catch a new bird in his cage, and she will not return there anymore, because she has already spread her wings and took off.

Get rid of the personal attitude to the situation and look at the problem from the outside. Think about how you would evaluate this case if it concerned one of your acquaintances or an outsider. Try to give objective assessment events without unnecessary emotions. When someone else's problem, it does not seem so dramatic: you can find a way out, forgive insults, come to terms with mistakes.

Carefully analyze the unpleasant stage of the past and draw the appropriate conclusions in order to avoid similar things in the future. Imagine that everything that happened was not with you, but you just saw it in the movies.

Change environment and social circle

The easiest way to part with the past is when there are cardinal changes in the place of residence, and perhaps even in the region or country. The circumstances of the move force a person to switch attention to the improvement of new housing and the solution of many domestic issues, so there will be practically no time left for reflection.

If you do not have the opportunity to move to another city, you can change the situation by taking a short vacation or renovating your home. Re-paste the wallpaper, rearrange the furniture and bring something new to your interior. Make it as different as possible from before.

Communicate only with positive people and look for opportunities to expand your circle of acquaintances. Try to spend more time with creative and successful individuals who will show by their example how to appreciate the present moment and purposefully create the future.

New habits and behavior

It is impossible to part with the past if you continue to behave as before. Create new beliefs and life values, which should be radically different from your past views on life. Focus more on the positive and believe in your lucky star.

Start new, non-standard habits for yourself. go in for sports and active species activities. Through movement and physical activity a person is quickly distracted from unnecessary thoughts or problems. Find a hobby that you previously didn’t dare to assume that you are capable of. For example, rock climbing or skydiving can become a new hobby. So you can see new horizons for your personality and understand that your abilities are inexhaustible. It is wiser to spend your time on new achievements than on thoughts about the past. Successful people they say that failure is a springboard for future victories.

The past determines our present and future. We often worry about things that are no longer there. The past is our memories and, most importantly, the sensations from them. And sensations are subject to us. There are three ways in which the past can be reprogrammed. What for? For the sake of the future.

acceptance of the fact

Try to write a book about your life - not for print, for yourself - and reflect in it the events that concern you so far. You can - and even better! - do not follow the chronology, let it be a collection of stories. There may be painful sensations caused by the “disturbed hive” of memories. If the feelings are too strong, leave this activity: in this case it is better to address to the psychotherapist. For those who continue to remember and write down, we note: the process of transferring feelings to paper or a computer screen involves a new and - almost always - their final experience. And - parting with them.

What is written begins own life, and if you read the "history of your disasters", you will most likely treat it with a detached attitude. In the process of reading, you can even feel pride in the experience: every life is worth it to enter the book. Your attitude to some events will also change: you look at them with humor or a sad smile. In general, you will understand that everything in life is natural, one event follows from another - and therefore, everything happened as it should have happened.

One “but”: do not let anyone read what was written, even your loved ones, especially those of them who once hurt you. They may already repent of their actions, and it is not worth exacerbating the pangs of their conscience. You yourself settle scores on paper with your grievances. Reduced - and calmed down.

Start keeping a diary: every day you live is also the past, summing up its results will make it possible to free yourself from its burden and start tomorrow with renewed vigor.

A pity

When we were little, it seemed to us that we were offended. In varying degrees, but almost all. Experiences remained a heavy burden in us, because we did not know how to understand them then. But we can do it now.

For example, you still remember with horror how at the time when you were five years old, your parents terribly quarreled in front of you. You got it too. Try to remember the whole scene to the smallest detail: yourself (what you were wearing, where you were), your parents, their faces at that moment, remarks, etc. Imagine that you are a child, but not trembling with fear, but looking with pity and love for two quarreling native people - mom and dad. Imagine them as children. They really should be sorry, because they were bad. While you are playing this scene in your imagination, the roles have changed: you are a smart and kind parent who will never be offended by children - in this case, mom and dad.

There is a wonderful idea that "humanity parted with its past laughing", but, as everyone knows again, funny is not scary.

Have you ever been hit by your husband? You divorced him a long time ago, but the thought that violence was used against you does not let you go and you still do not trust men? Remember the whole scene: his face distorted with anger, his hand raised to strike. Maybe he looked like a vicious monkey? Scary then, but now so funny? And when you called the police, did he start dressing convulsively, hit only one sleeve of his jacket, ran away in unlaced boots? And he returned home in the morning, in the mud, in torn trousers, and made a bed for himself on the floor in the hall? The district police officer, with whom he still had to explain himself, began to prove that it was you who severely beat him and even tore his trousers? He was funny, and it is no longer scary and not offensive. And it's easy to let go.

It's great if you describe some moments of your past that evoke painful memories in you with humor. That is, how would you rewrite them again, introducing yourself, for example, as Mikhail Zadornov. And then, every time you reread the stories with a smile and laughter, you will get rid of your worries more and more. Until you calm down.

Of course, you also remember what you are still ashamed of. Methods of getting rid of such feelings - all of the above. And if you confessed to your unseemly deeds, it means that you have already realized them. Forgive yourself for what you really were to blame, and move on with your life.