Love and ego. True love and the love of our ego

I have long intended to write about the difference between selfishness and self-love. And then I came across an article by N. Pokatilova “Where is the line between self-love and selfishness?”. A good article, I quote it with my comments about the relationships that “egoists” build with other people and why we, calling a person an egoist, often remain in a relationship with him:

“Self-love and selfishness are often confused due to the fact that in both cases a person is focused on himself, but, nevertheless, self-love and selfishness are cardinally various concepts can be said to be opposite.

selfishness

Selfishness is a state of lack of self-love. In a state of selfishness, a person tries to pull the blanket over himself, infringing on the interests of others. If we consider in more detail, we can understand that the egoist is trying to close the internal voids at the expense of resources, time, attention of other people.
The essence of selfishness is that a person is not capable of give yourself the attention and love you need and demands recognition from others.
In a state of selfishness, a person only wants to take without giving anything in return.
When we need something so much that we are ready to take it away, regardless of the opinion of others? When we are in severe deficit.
In a state of selfishness, a person wants to prove something to others, does not respect the needs of others, wants to satisfy his needs and fill deficits at any cost, wants to take without giving in return "
………………………
Commentary: The trouble is, first of all, that deficiency needs are usually not recognized((

Self dislike

“If we do not have love for ourselves, but we, nevertheless, do our best to take care of others, give them a resource, then sooner or later they begin to accumulate resentment.
We do not know how to say "no" if the request man goes contrary to our own interests, principles or priorities. We put someone's interests or life above our own, we live not from our desire, but from the expectations / requirements / interests of parents, partner, children.
We give our attention and love in the hope of receiving a response from others, out of a desire to please, but not receiving a response, we feel like a victim and we begin to blame, swear with loved ones, demand.
This happens due to the fact that we exhaust the resource of love that we have and do not fill it.
When is it okay to give? When we have a lot of love, over the edge.
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Commentary: All right, except for the part about "hate yourself." Here, not everything and not always so simple. Most egoists who do not love themselves just replace self-love (i.e. understanding themselves and their root needs) with egoism (i.e. “you owe me everything, but I don’t owe you, because ...”) . In such cases, the “egoist”, who is not able to love himself, chooses a “victim”, who is also not able to love himself, but has his own neurotic need, (in a merger, for example, or in the transfer of responsibility, in a word - a non-adult, with the entire set of strategies developed in parent-child relationships). As a result of such a symbiosis, the “child” expects a parental relationship from the “egoist” (and does not receive, of course), and the “egoist” is enraged by “whims” ( anger, aggression, despondency and complaints) partner-"child". Thus, the relationship develops dependent - the “egoist” is sure that he is right (no one holds his partner by the leg!), And the “child” is deeply unhappy, but the need to merge “with the parent” holds him quite tightly. In practice, a sado-masochistic dyad arises, where everyone is unhappy but satisfied. You can talk a lot about this, but both an “egoist” and a “child” are far from always a “victim”. They alternately in this role, because. there is always a lot of aggression in the arsenal of “those who do not love themselves”, it can be open (like in a “child”) and hidden (“passive”), like in an “egoist”, but it is always present in one form or another, creating destructive, non-environmental relationships , (i.e. neurotic connection).

Self love

“In a state of self-love, a person has so much of it that he is ready to share it, without demanding or expecting anything in return. In a state of self-love, you do not use people, you think about yourself, but you treat others with respect, without infringing on their interests, you accept them. When you love yourself, it is easy and natural for you to love others and take care of them.
At the same time, you know how to defend your principles, say “no” if you don’t want something, you know how to build boundaries when it’s convenient for you and it doesn’t interfere with others. You take care of yourself instead of expecting it from others.
You know exactly what you want, and not what is “fashionable or cool”, you are true to your goals and dreams, you are happy in harmony with yourself and this is very cool!”
…………………………….

It's worth understanding the difference

If you love someone, but rarely give your all (all) of yourself to her or him, then this is not true love. These words are absolutely true. Our perception of love has long been littered with romantic films and books where lust overshadows the reality of the situation. We are looking for wild passion and a flurry of sensations, but we do not see signs and do not listen to ourselves. Too often, true love - unselfish love - is confused with a selfish desire to possess the object of one's passion, but no more.

1. True love cannot be destroyed or created simply by desire.

Making love, giving love, falling in love - these phrases have nothing to do with real emotions. These are "equations": addition, subtraction, division and multiplication. We give love in the hope of receiving love. We satisfy desires with the hope of being satisfied ourselves. This selfish exchange is not real love. True love cannot be turned on and off, because it is the basis of everything. Similarly, you cannot experience the sudden manifestation of selfless, true love. Rather, we become aware of its constant presence, as the existence of heaven and earth, the air we breathe, the world we live in. In other words, love is something that cannot be measured. mathematical equations and formulas, this is part of our being.

2. Selfless love and lust are opposites

Love is supposed to be a discovery or an adventure, and you don't know or realize it until you're in the middle of it. Selfless love- this is not lust, but selfish love - this is a staggering mountain boulder that threatens to crush you. You feel fear at the sight of a boulder, but some of us confuse this fear with excitement and anticipation. On the other hand, true love does not pose any risk because it is not a trap. The appearance of this emotion comes from a sense of harmony with the whole world. People who are in love do not experience feelings of fear, feel comfortable in their place, accept themselves, and also accept a partner for who he is.

3. True love is not born from selfish desires.

In true love, the other person is important to us, and in selfish love, we ourselves are important. Unconditional, true love does not arise from selfish desires. When feelings arise between two people, it's not because it solves loneliness problems or achieves the end result (a wedding ceremony or a house with a white fence). Real love is simply the joy experienced by two people when they think of each other, spend time together, or unconsciously and instinctively do selfless acts for each other. You don't get frustrated when you don't get gifts, and you don't get upset when you don't get compliments. No requirements and no expectations. There is only a delightful feeling of completeness and wholeness, which is not disturbed even in moments of contradiction.

4. True love is not obsessive.

Selfish love is what people perceive as a leash and collar system. This is a golden bridle for the elusive unicorn. But do you know what happens once you tether this magnificent animal and make it obey? The unicorn loses its luster and eventually dies. True love is not obsessive, it is not forced, because it can endure distance, time, and even death. When you love truly, this feeling is immense and endless. This is an uncontrollable feeling of happiness and warmth at the sight and thought of another person.

It always seems that they love us for what we are
are good. And we don’t guess that they love us because
that those who love us are good.
(Tolstoy L.N.)

The number 3 is magical, it reflects the law of universal existence. Life will not arise if there is no combination of three -

idea,
method, way of implementing an idea,
carriers, people who accept this idea.

For example, a person has accepted the idea: “I want to love and be loved. But how to do that?" To implement the idea, there must be a method.

Ideas don't work without method. Using the method of changing the level of consciousness, you can actively work in one life, or you can stretch it over several.

One should more often turn to God within oneself, to the Light within oneself, and then, according to the law, like is attracted to like, a similar building material is attracted from the astral world. But this primary glimpse of light, of conscience, must come from the heart (not the physical), and not from the mind.

It is important to go inside yourself more often, not to solve the problem with a superficial mind, but to solve it from the position of the depth of the soul. Sacred love is good, but it is not a higher state of consciousness, it is philosophizing.

Love and ego - true love comes from the heart.

Because at the slightest serious situation, a person shows his ego and forgets his unity with everything that exists. A rational person easily passes by the suffering of others, because for him it creates many problems. Compassion comes from the heart, then arises irresistible desire help. This is how a person helps himself, because with this pain he himself cannot exist.

There is biological, sacred or steamy love, which corresponds to a certain level of development of consciousness, and the concept of “happiness” is associated only with this feeling. These are good experiences useful experience life.

The love of one ego-personality for another such person is selfish and its duration depends on the degree of egoism.

A man in love at the beginning wants to show tenderness to another, to do something pleasant. But later he wants to get more and more. The balance is disturbed, because egoism demands its own and gets tired of giving. And then it all depends on how much patience and energy is enough to return.

Love and ego are incompatible things, because there is a policy of cunning, playing around.

There is love that is not associated with the sacral chakra. Love, tenderness, attention, sympathy comes from the Anahata chakra. Goes permanent state from oneself, outward, the desire to give.

The expansion of consciousness begins with tracking and changing what prevents you from loving, being plastic. You already know that there are three types:

instinct is the satisfaction of desires and needs. Actions without reasoning, instinctive, reasoning comes after the action;
intelligence mixed with a bit of instinct. Academic knowledge has nothing to do with higher consciousness. Hesitation goes either to instinct, or to conscience, but there is already self-esteem. You can be intellectual, but it does not apply to spiritual consciousness;
spiritual consciousness gives kinship, unity of life.

There is an impulse inside, a desire that goes against the ego and a person begins to act contrary to his interests. The ennobled instinct is a balance, not a confrontation, it is achieved with difficulty, painfully. When a person takes a decisive step towards the light, then they begin to supervise him, but advice, promptings and impulses come from within.

The development of intuition is not the acquisition of knowledge from books, it is not at all intellectual level, This spiritual level consciousness. Signs of spirituality are compassion, a sense of the unity of life, absolute love. Outwardly, nothing will happen, but you will notice that you are parting with former friends, books, some thoughts, interests.

Clear signs of spiritual manifestation are enlightenment, the breakthrough of a new consciousness, the presence of a huge bright light inside a person. Meditation prepares this level of consciousness. The experience of enlightenment is delight, joyful bliss, a feeling of immortality comes.

A person, seeing another in trouble, helps himself without asking, as he feels him. Such a person radiates subtle energy, and others immediately feel it, as it instantly goes energy supply. We love those people who give us subtle high energy, and we do not love those who take this energy from us.

The greatest value that is given to us from above is life. She is one of a kind, unique. There is no need to kill time for empty deeds, it is better to accumulate spiritual values, to see the beauty of the world, a person, to learn to give, to compassion, to love unconditionally. There is no need to push the spiritual and the material, because the currency of life is in the joint manifestation, in the synthesis of unity.

AT modern world without self-love, one cannot become happy, one cannot build harmonious relationships; self-realization without loss is impossible.

Many refuse to love themselves because they confuse the concept of self-love with selfishness (self-love, narcissism).

The phrase "I love myself" often causes condemnation or ridicule among people. And all because in our society the concepts of selfishness and self-love are equated to one.

Some people still think that loving yourself means being selfish. Let's take these concepts apart.

How does an egoist behave?

The egoist does what he wants and when he wants, not caring how his actions affect others. He always and everywhere puts himself first, wants everything to be as he needs.

And at the same time, he does not care about the feelings, inconveniences of others. He grossly violates the boundaries of other people, achieving his goals.

The egoist skillfully manipulates other people's feelings. He puts himself above others, comparing, each time proving to himself that he is worth something.

The egoist acts out of lack, so he needs the most. He takes from outside, consumes. It follows that the egoist does not love himself. His heart, the source of love, is blocked.

Egoism is immaturity, injury, and this concept has nothing to do with the manifestation of healthy self-love.

An egoist can and does put his interests first, he can take care of himself, but his thoughts, words and actions diverge. Such “self-love” always has some hidden nuances. Missing sequence.

For example, in a family, a person eats all the most delicious, without thinking about others, or spends the lion's share of the family budget on his own whims, leaving home without the necessary. And at work, he allows his boss to be disrespectful to himself.

Based on my personal observations of myself, relatives, acquaintances on the subject of manifestation of selfishness, I want to note that the more selfish a person behaves, the more seriously psychological trauma , which causes this behavior.

Such a person is trying to get love, attention, benefits from external sources and often at someone else's expense. It seems to him that if he gets this and that, then it will become easier for him.

A stereotype of an egoist as a vicious tyrant has developed in society. And even if he looks like that, inside he is an unfortunate person suffering from childhood traumas.

Familiar phrase? “Damned egoist! Think only of yourself!” Yes, he can only think about himself, because his love is simply not enough for others.

Selfish behavior can manifest itself in each of us in certain circumstances. And knowing this, you can change it.

Meditation can help you release negative emotions associated with the past.

How does a person become selfish?

To understand how egoism arises in a person, I will give an example.

A girl is growing up in a family where her parents divorced almost immediately after her birth. The girl is surrounded by the attention and care of her mother, grandmother, grandfather. She is taken care of, pampered, because "she is unhappy, her dad left her."

She gets used to the fact that she gets what she wants on a silver platter on demand. But inside her already sits the trauma of abandonment, which her relatives unconsciously instilled in her.

They seemed to want the best - to give her everything so that she does not need anything. But they loved and cared for her, feeling guilty. And where there is this feeling, there is someone who manipulates it.

The girl looks happy, she has everything. She takes care of herself and seems to love it. Only this is not love, but selfishness.

It's not enough for her all the time what she has. She needs everything. She does not accept the fact that someone has something that she does not have. She definitely needs to take it away.

There is another side to selfishness.

A person takes care of loved ones, gives all his strength, taking care of them. He sincerely believes that this is how it should be, it cannot be otherwise.

But inside he is waiting for a return, he is offended if his help is not appreciated. And even worse, he demands that those close to him live in accordance with his views on life.

This is selfish behavior. If a person loved himself and from an excess of love in his heart would help his neighbors, he would not have claims against them, but would accept them as they are.

Self-love begins with self-acceptance and self-worth. These will help you along the way.

How self love is shown

A person who loves himself trusts himself and the Universe. He knows that all good things are in abundance, and there is enough for everyone. He believes he deserves the best.

A person who loves himself does not take anything away from anyone, does not manipulate, because he lives according to universal laws.

He does not attach himself to people and does not bind them to himself, because filled from the inside.

And people are attracted to him, because he radiates warmth, kindness, love.

A person who loves himself values his own and other people's time, knows how to refuse, if necessary, without guilt, without offending people.

He focuses on his strengths and notes the virtues others.

A person who loves himself is balanced and harmonious, knows how to protect personal boundaries and honors others with respect.

Each of us, at different moments in our lives, moves from a state of selfishness to a state of self-love. And the more often we show love to ourselves, the less often there is a need to act selfishly.

What is the difference between selfishness and self-love

Svetlana Dobrovolskaya:

“Each person at a different stage of development has his own picture of the world.

And as long as there is no sense of oneself inside not as a single individual, but oneself as a part of the beautiful divine light, a part of this world, oneself as a spark of the creator, as long as this love is manifested only in relation to the shell, there is a temptation to use someone else's resource.

But it's easy to check:

If love for yourself adds love to others in you, then you are on the right track.
If self-love, as you think, makes you feel that you weren't given, it is fear covered by narcissism.

Because any single particle has no resource. She must steal it from someone, take it somewhere outside.

You and I are cells in a living organism, built into a vast world.

The one who feels himself a part of this world has unlimited resource, because it is through the point of the heart that strength, generosity, beauty comes, which allows you to broadcast outward all the beautiful things that we came here with.

In this case, self-love is love for God, love for creation. This is the love of love. It cannot be something that violates the rights of others.

If your love for yourself, in the opinion of others, violates their rights and boundaries, this lesson for those people.

They must learn to feel their boundaries, recognize their value, their built-in into this Universe.

Therefore, do not rush to judge.

When you evaluate something, you narrow your vision, you become a separate particle, you lose your resource. And then you are left with only a horizontal connection, which is never equal.

There is no permanent balance in horizontal exchange. Exchange happens when you give vertically. When you receive from your essence and give away the essence of a person.

True love, it's not condoning. This is the love that awakens dignity in others and preserves dignity in us.”

If you want to get rid of traumas that give rise to egoism and learn to trust yourself and life, sign up for the Master Class of Alena Starovoitova

Just watch why you create a problem. The solution to the problem is at the very beginning, when you first create it - don't create it! You don't have any problems - just understand that.

Don't run from yourself, you can't be anyone else. Osho.

The only person on earth we have the power to change is ourselves Osho.

Don't expect perfection, and don't ask or demand it. Love ordinary people. There is nothing wrong with ordinary people. Ordinary people- are unusual. Every person is so unique. Respect this uniqueness. Osho.

Sin is when you don't enjoy life. Osho.

I don't have any biography. And everything that is considered a biography is absolutely meaningless. When I was born, in what country I was born - it does not matter. Osho.

The most inhuman act that a person can commit is to turn someone into a thing. Osho.

Everything that is experienced can be stepped over; what is suppressed cannot be overcome. Osho.

The greatest fear in the world is fear of the opinions of others. The moment you are not afraid of the crowd, you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar resounds in your heart - the roar of freedom. Osho.

The child comes clean, nothing is written on it; there is no indication of who he should be - all dimensions are open to him. And the first thing to understand is that a child is not a thing, a child is a being. Osho

Until you can say "no", your "yes" will not make any sense. Osho

Love is patient, everything else is impatient. Passion is impatient; love is patient. Once you understand that patience means love, you understand everything. Osho.

To fall is a part of Life, to rise to one's feet is its Living. Being Alive is a Gift, and being Happy is your CHOICE. Osho.

Inside every old person there is a young person wondering what happened. Osho.

The head is always thinking about how to get more; the heart always feels like giving more. Osho.

Learn to laugh more. Laughter is as sacred as prayer. Your laughter will open a thousand and one roses in you. Osho.

Only occasionally, very rarely, do you allow someone to enter you. That is what love is. Osho.

When you are sick, call a doctor. But most importantly, call those who love you, because there is no medicine more important than love. Osho.

Suffering is the result of taking life seriously; bliss is the result of the game. Take life as a game, enjoy it. Osho.

Get out of your head and into your heart. Think less and feel more. Do not get attached to thoughts, immerse yourself in sensations... Then your heart will come to life. Osho

A woman in love with you can inspire you to such heights that you never even dreamed of. And she asks for nothing in return. She just needs love. And this is her natural right. Osho.

Before knocking on the right door, a person knocks on thousands of wrong doors. Osho.

Without you, this universe will lose some poetry, some beauty: there will be a lack of song, there will be a lack of notes, there will be an empty gap. Osho.

Reasons are within ourselves, outside are just excuses... Osho

No one has to follow anyone, everyone has to go into their own soul. Osho.

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" is worthless too. Osho.

Any borrowed truth is a lie. Until it is experienced by yourself, it is never true. Osho.

What's wrong with someone laughing for no reason? Why do you need a reason to laugh? A reason is needed to be unhappy; you don't need a reason to be happy. Osho.

When you think you are deceiving others, you are only deceiving yourself. Osho.

If you are calm, the whole world becomes calm for you. It's like a reflection. Everything that you are is fully reflected. Everyone becomes a mirror. Osho.

People believe in the immortality of the soul, not because they know, but because they are afraid. The more cowardly a person is, the more likely it is that he believes in the immortality of the soul - not because he is religious; he's just a coward. Osho.

If you have lied once, then you will be forced to lie a thousand and one times to cover up the first lie. Osho.

In this very moment, you can drop all problems because they are all created by you. Osho.

What difference does it make who is stronger, who is smarter, who is more beautiful, who is richer? After all, in the end, it only matters whether you are a happy person or not? Osho.

Make life around you beautiful. And let every person feel that meeting with you is a gift. Osho.

Miracles happen every moment. Nothing else happens. Osho.

Don't take life as a problem, it's a mystery of amazing beauty. Drink from it, it's pure wine! Be full of it! Osho.

Stop thinking about how to get love and start giving. By giving, you receive. There is no other way... Osho

Don't teach others, don't try to change them. It is enough that you change yourself - this will be your message. Osho.

Bliss is the only criterion for life. If you don't feel that life is bliss, then know that you are going in the wrong direction. Osho.

If you can wait forever, you don't have to wait at all. Osho.

If you don't change right now, you will never change. No need for endless promises. You either change or you don't, but be honest. Osho.

To die for anyone, for anything, is the easiest thing in the world. Living for anything is the hardest thing. Osho.