It is necessary to give advice to people a. The land of unsolicited advice

We have a country unsolicited advice- Surely, you yourself have often been convinced of this. Relatives and friends, acquaintances and strangers give advice, most often for inappropriate reasons. At home, at work, in the store, on the Internet - they are everywhere. Sometimes it seems that the councils are a national disaster of psychological proportions. Many clients, acquaintances and even colleagues complain to me about intrusive advisers. Many people cannot stop advice for fear of offending the adviser. I want to make my contribution to anti-Soviet activities. I want to look at the situation of giving advice from the inside - how it works. And propose a model of interaction with advisers - how to behave in such a way as to get rid of unsolicited advice and maintain relations with the adviser.

There will always be Eskimos who give the inhabitants of the Congo instructions on how to behave in the worst heat. (E. Lets)

Decide for someone else.Each piece of advice contains instructions - a specific and therefore narrow action scenario. It turns out that the adviser puts everything together for you possible options behavior to one, and makes a choice for you. It is not so easy to brush aside advice - what is expressed in a word can interrupt the verbatim thought that is subtly spinning in our heads. And instead of our own internal decision, we can use someone else’s clichéd one. It turns out that unsolicited advice is a type of information noise that alienates us from ourselves.

Do good.The Soviets are very close to orders in their structure. The scheme is the same - “do this.” This is essentially a directive interaction, only covered by external optionality. The degree of obligation of advice can be assessed by how persistently it is given. And most importantly, by the adviser’s reaction to refusal to follow the advice. If a person reacts negatively, then most likely he wanted to order. Of course, most advisers often do not themselves understand what they are doing. The more resentment they have towards ungrateful people who refuse - the person really believes that he wanted the best, but was cheated out of it.

A special type of relationship.With whatever intention a person gives advice, he creates special type relation - asymmetrical. Their essence is to be unequal. When giving advice, a person acts as a mentor or expert. And you find yourself in the role of a student or a counselee. He knows, you don't know. If you really need a mentor or an expert, then this is a harmonious situation - there is demand, there is supply. But if you do not need a mentor in general or in this situation, then you will most likely experience negative emotions. After all, you were forced into a role that you did not plan to play - the role of someone in need.

How to get out?You can get out of the situation of unsolicited advice by creating relationships on equal terms. The problem is that many people start to struggle with advisors. They are trying to change the role of the interlocutor - to prohibit him from giving advice. Alas, it's already psychological abuse. Of course, the adviser begins to resist such violence. It is more effective to change your role, and after it the interlocutor will change his, because the objective situation will change. You can do this quite rudely - say that you don’t need advice, send it. This option is dangerous with grievances and conflicts. Often advisors are people who are important to us - relatives, friends. How can you get out of the situation diplomatically? Give the person what he needs, but in a form acceptable to you.

What does an advisor need?When a person gives unsolicited advice, it is most likely he who needs something, not you. And although he offers you help in the form of advice, he needs help. I want to offer you several options for motivation - why do people give advice? If I missed something, add it.

1) Need for recognition. This type of advisor wants the other person to see and recognize his value. The criteria of value can be rich life experience, and a sharp mind, and an understanding of your problems. The need for recognition is one of the basic needs for any person. If a person tries to gain recognition of his worth through unsolicited advice, then his need is most likely severely unmet. Or maybe he just hasn’t learned how to satisfy her any other way. You can help this person get what he wants, and at the same time get rid of advice - recognize his value.
A special case of the need for recognition is people mature age. Especially parents of adult children. This is a separate topic - maybe someday I’ll write about it in detail.

2) Need for Excellence e.An advisor of this type strives to dominate - to be in charge. If the unrecognized advisor wants you to recognize him as simply experienced and knowledgeable, then the dominant one wants you to recognize him as MORE experienced and knowledgeable. It is important to distinguish this, because it often seems to us that the adviser is trying to dominate, but he just needs a kind word. Dominant kind words you can't get by - his goal is more pretentious. The great psychoanalyst Alfred Adler explained the need for superiority as the need to compensate for an inferiority complex. A more modern explanation is that the dominant is preoccupied with his own social status. He evaluates every communication situation as competitive, and therefore dangerous for his status. And he starts to fight. Giving advice for such people is a way to defend and improve their status. The question is, is it really that dangerous? everyday communication human status, and is it advisable to fight every time? You can help an adviser of this type, and stop giving advice, if you let him understand that you do not claim his status.

3) Need for control-1(anxious). This type of advisor seeks to control reality so that he can feel calm. Behind this need is a deep anxiety that something terrible and irreparable will happen if he does not intervene. It will happen to you, and therefore to him. To advise such a person means to protect and prevent. In essence, such advice is an acknowledgment of your superior value to an adviser. Mothers, grandmothers, and caring spouses give advice most often for this reason. You can help such an advisor by discussing his worries and fears. And show with specific examples from life that negative scenarios are exaggerated and completely surmountable. After all, the problem of these people is negative forecasting and a very rich imagination.

4) Need for control-2 (managerial). This type of advisor wants to control you, not reality. He thinks that you are an integral part of him. In essence, he does not communicate with you as a separate person, but is engaged in self-government, as if you were his hand. It really hurts such people when their advice is not followed - imagine that your own hand does not obey consciousness. I can imagine that even reading about this is outrageous for some of us. But for such advisers, not being separated from you is not a fault, but a misfortune. It just so happens that some people even at an advanced age retain a childish quality of thinking - egocentrism. Normally, with age, a child learns to separate himself and other people, begins to understand that other people are separate, that they have their own - will, interests, mind. How can you help such a person? You can emphasize your separateness every time - you want this, but I want something else. You are you, and I am me, we are different people. But still, we are together)

5) The need to express emotions. Advisers of this type give advice because they do not know how to express their feelings. The person thinks you feel bad. In response, he himself feels bad. He begins to come up with options to get out of this situation. For you, really. He worries about you, feels anxious, concerned, and feels a desire to somehow support and sympathize. But expressing feelings is not so easy, and many people find it difficult to do so - giving advice is easier because it is a more familiar way of communicating. You can help such a person express emotions - just ask about them.

6) The need to act. Advisers of this type have an enterprising character - they are pragmatists. They perceive everything that happens as a problem that needs to be solved. Including for you. Such people give really valuable advice, as a rule, because they have extensive experience in solving problems. If this is a burden to you, then you can simply let the person understand that the main thing for you now is not a practical decision, but yours emotional condition, and you want to be in it.

7) Need to protect yourself. For an advisor of this type, the difficulties of other people are a burden. He is not in the mood to sympathize and delve into the emotions of other people - they are somehow dangerous for him. And he has the right to do so, in my opinion. The difficulty is that this type of advisor does not give himself such a right. And instead of remaining silent, he gives advice. After all, in our culture it is not particularly prestigious to demonstrate indifference - you can be branded as antisocial. Helping such a person is quite simple - thank you for the advice and leave him alone.

How to distinguish one type of advisor from another? This is the question I want to ask you, my dears, so as not to limit the topic only to my experience. How does the behavior of one type of advisor differ from another - what style of communication, what emotions, what specific phrases? I am sure that you have a lot of experience on this topic, please share. And then it will be possible to generalize and summarize our experience.

And in the next post I want to offer you a model for getting out of the situation of unsolicited advice, without conflicts and even with the opportunity to improve relationships - to be continued.
psychologist Danila Gulyaev"

Don't give advice unless asked. This the right way alienate people, especially if they don’t like the advice. And you will be upset that they ignored it. And they will not like that you judge them, despite the fact that in fact you just wanted to help. Not interfering in other people's affairs means maintaining trust. And while we all like to find out something personal, it's not so great when someone says something very intimate about themselves. Therefore, mind your own business and do not interfere with others, even if you know more than you need. Let respect become your indispensable duty.
. . .

We throw the word “respect” around like a ball, but few people think about what this word actually means. But its synonyms are: highly value, honor and admire. In general, you should treat the person with respect. This does not mean that you need to somehow belittle yourself and put this person above yourself. No, it just means that you should honor this person and treat him with understanding. You have to be respectful of his time: if he says he needs to go, let him go. Don't hold him back. If someone says they will complete their task, no matter how small or large it may be, respect and do not question their desire. Don't try to prove that this is impossible. Don't even think about arguing about this.
Don't like the answer? Then don't ask!
Too many people first harass us with requests to answer a question or express our opinion on some issue, despite our reluctance to answer. And then if they don't like the answer, they blame you or themselves. It may be that after this they will never forgive you. To refrain from answering a question they won't like, and to avoid being cursed for your answer or your silence, be diplomatic. If you feel that the person might be very offended, then think seriously before you say anything in response.

Smile all the time
Stop! Look and smile, keep looking and smiling! This The best way meet the person you like. If someone looks at you, smile back out of respect. If you are not interested in the person, keep the smile short and cursory, then look away. This way you politely make it clear that you paid attention to him. If you like a person, then, no matter who looked at whom first, just smile longer and say hello to him. If he also says hello to you, then you have a great opportunity to start a conversation and make a new friend. I met many people this way, especially at airports, and many of them later became my close friends.
Naturally, at first you may be embarrassed to behave this way. But over time it will become a habit. Very good habit, I dare to assure you.

Verbal self-defense
Lillian Glass

All parents have done what they tell their children not to do. That's how they learned that there was no need to do this. (D Moore).
How much I love giving advice. You are not?

Overcoming the urge to give unsolicited advice is not easy. From an advisor's point of view:

1. I do this with good intentions;

2. I try to be good;

4. It seems to me that my experience can prevent big mistake;
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There will always be Eskimos who give the inhabitants of the Congo instructions on how to behave in the worst heat. (E. Lets)
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5. It is my moral duty to intervene.

So the people who give advice are good people. They sincerely want to help others avoid trouble. And they absolutely cannot remain silent.

This is a common manifestation of human psychology: “you know better from the outside.” Often you really know better.

Advisors are divided into several categories:

1. Advice is given by a person who has never done THIS, but has an opinion and knows everything in the world. We ignore the advice of such a person and thank him.
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Everyone is not averse to giving advice, not knowing how to help themselves. (S. Brant)
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2. Advice is given by a person wise by experience and life, who sincerely believes that his instructions have healing power.
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I hate advice - everyone except my own. (D. Nicholson)
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3. People who have lived their lives worry, think and do not give advice to anyone because... they know that no one needs them. They only respond to requests for advice. They can truly change a person's life for the better.
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A person who is smart enough to good advice, usually you are smart enough not to give advice. (Eden Philpotts)
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4. People who, to the detriment of their lives, serve God and other people, believing that this is their destiny.
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People who did not listen to advice cannot be helped... (B. Franklin)
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However, the problem is that under the rays of other people's wisdom, most people feel awkward and stupid. And the mentor’s persistence often seems like bad manners and manipulation. “Look, if I wanted your opinion, I would ask.”
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Advice is like castor oil: quite easy to give, but damn unpleasant to take. (B.Shaw)
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People do not accept anything with such disgust as advice. (D. Addison)
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Giving a man unsolicited advice is the same as questioning his ability to decide and act for himself. That is why they perceive interference so painfully: it is very important for them to realize that they can always handle everything themselves. (John Gray)

The more respect we show each other, the more we will be respected and the more often we will be listened to for advice. And perhaps ask for them yourself. And we won’t feel unimportant because no one wants to communicate with us. We tried so hard...

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I like to give advice and really don’t like it when they give it to me. (S. Bernard)
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People love to solve problems: puzzles, riddles, mathematical equations and other people's problems. When a friend comes with a problem, we almost instinctively strive to solve it. It is common to think that the opinion of a person not involved in the situation offers a fresh look on things and can open up new perspectives in current circumstances. So why does it sometimes seem that the advice you offer with such care is not at all needed by the person who came for it?

Remember the last time you were upset and wanted to complain to someone. What did you really want: for this someone to solve your problem or for someone to listen to you? Usually when a person complains about something, he is looking for support and confirmation that his feelings have a right to exist. People rarely take other people's advice (no matter how reasonable and caring it may be) because they don't want to lose control of their life. own life and strive to make their own decisions.

What to do when a person complains about difficulties? Let's look at step-by-step “instructions” on how to behave in situations when you are asked for advice.

ASK QUESTIONS

Imagine that a friend says that he doesn't like his job and doesn't know what to do. You can give advice about finding a new job or getting a second education. One might assume that it's been a tough week and it's not about work. This all sounds reasonable. But what does your friend think about this?

You won't know if you immediately rush to give advice. Do not hurry. The first thing to do is get more information. What exactly is the problem?

« What exactly doesn't suit you about your job?».

If he says: " I like the job, but the schedule is just terrible", then you can immediately refuse advice " try yourself in something else" or " get a second education" The problem is not with the work itself, but with the schedule.

But even when you have a more detailed understanding of the problem, you shouldn't try to solve it. To help the person speak out and find a solution during the communication process, continue asking questions. May I ask: " What schedule would suit you?" or " Is a different schedule possible in such a profession?" In this way, you can help a person get to answers that he already knows, but does not yet see or cannot formulate.

EMPHASIZE THE POSITIVE SIDES

Another way to (not) give advice correctly is to pay attention to positive sides situations. Imagine that a friend expresses doubts about whether he should ask for a raise at work. Instead of giving a straight answer, instill confidence in him so that he can find an option that suits him. He understands himself and the situation at work better than you, and only he can determine the best scenario for the development of events. You can point it out positive traits, for example, say: " I know you're a hard worker" or " You have been working for a long time, and perhaps you want to expand the range of responsibilities" Be careful with recommendations, because if he follows your advice and it doesn't go well, he will remember who told him to. I want to help loved ones, and this is understandable, but when it comes to their life choice, they have to make it themselves.

DISCUSS POSSIBLE OPTIONS

By giving advice, you can inadvertently discourage a person from a decision that he has almost decided on. Openly discussing hypothetical solutions can help avoid this: it will allow the person to talk about the option they are leaning towards, and it will allow you to refrain from promoting ideas that run counter to them.

Imagine a friend complaining about difficulties family life, talks about quarrels with his wife. And you begin to describe that it is better to end such problematic relationships and find someone better. But what if he glosses over the fact that he doesn't want a divorce? You may alienate your friend with your proposal: he will know that you have a negative image of his family (despite the fact that he himself contributed to its creation). Advice in love is the most dangerous. It is better to help a person determine what he really wants. Ask questions that allow him to see: “ What would it be like for you to stay, what would it be like to leave?" Proposing to consider different variants, you bring him closer to making a decision without putting yourself in an awkward position.

The difficulties of your neighbor may bring back memories of similar problems in your life. Share your experience! This will help your friend understand that what is happening to him is normal.

The main thing is not to get too carried away and turn the conversation on yourself. You share your experience to show your friend that he is not alone, and not in order to speak out and solve your problems at the expense of this situation. To do this, it is better to wait for a more appropriate moment, when your interlocutor is not absorbed in thoughts about his difficulties. For now, just briefly describe your problem and the choice that appears before you. Explain how you came to your decision and what consequences it had. But emphasize that this was your choice - it is not universal and is not a panacea, but worked (or did not work) only in your specific case.

Imagine a friend asking if he should quit his job. If you are not ready to support him, you should not make a choice for him. You can mention what you usually do, for example: “ I always find first new job and then I quit" This is just your experience, you are not hinting that you need to do the same, but you can consider this option.

Original article:

Jennifer Artesani, How to (NOT) give advice. Psyche Central, February 9, 2017.

Editor: Simonov Vyacheslav Mikhailovich

Keywords: bad advice, advice, how to give advice

Preview photo: Onproperty

Photo in text: Ethicsalarms

I am satisfied with everything in life except relationships
family and with loved ones. I love everyone,
I try to help everyone morally, financially, to improve
health. The results were great.
Everyone was happy.
But when life got better both physically and
morally and financially from my family and friends, then
my health condition was deteriorating. I felt
cooling in relationships with loved ones. Just
I couldn’t understand why they changed so much? I ... them
I didn’t recognize it. It made me very upset, no
I could come to terms with it and couldn’t find a reason.
Many times I analyzed my actions, my
thoughts. How did I provoke their aggression? I was surprised that
that I wanted the best for them more than they wanted
this yourself. I explained this to myself by the fact that I have
more experience in life, including spiritual. But how
change all this? Why, with strangers results
good and great relationship? How long have I been
it was painful. And not in vain.
I recently read an excellent article by Alexander
Shipilov “Thoughts, quotes. Mine and more”, in which
he writes: “That you cannot give advice when there is none
they ask. Because God guides each of us
life in its own way, everyone must work out their own
karma. And when we confuse a person with our advice
his path along which God leads him, then we must
we will work off that karma of his that he did not
worked, following our advice. Those. turning from
the path assigned to him by God."
I also really liked how Alexander wrote,
Why can't you find faults in others? "Not
Judge, and you will not be judged.” Has the right to judge
one God. Therefore, when we look for flaws in
others, then these shortcomings hang like weights on our feet
and hinder our progress along the spiritual path.
Here it became clear to me that when communicating with strangers
people, I strictly followed the law “Do not ask, do not
climb" and advised only when I
asked. And there were hundreds of questions and hundreds of answers.
The relationship was simply great. And with
loved ones, relatives, in the family, as if this law were not
existed. She gave out advice left and right.
And then, when they not only didn’t ask me, but
they didn't even want to listen.
When I realized this, I was simply horrified. This
there were tears of despair and regret from the understanding that
that how much harm I caused to myself and my loved ones.
Especially in the last twenty years.
Well, what did I do, I need to fix it. became
ask for forgiveness, especially from those who care the most
advised and who treated me worst of all. After
began to forgive everyone for rudeness, for dissatisfaction,
“unfair” reproaches towards me, for all the pain,
which they caused me. Now I
I understand how they fought me in every way,
no matter what I prevent them from going the way that
God has determined for them.
With repentance, relief came. Began to change
relationship. But this is just the beginning. Three weeks have passed.
I saw all this not only in my family, but also in
other families. When I asked people for forgiveness, they
also admitted that they also give advice when there is none
they ask. They began to tell how the children resist
their advice.
And you had to hear from your relatives,
that don’t push, they don’t ask you, I’ll figure it out myself, etc.
We must always ask: “Should I give you advice,
Do you want advice?" If you get yes, then give me advice.
If not, then keep the advice to yourself.
But not everyone is opposed. They come to one woman
friends, acquaintances and pour all the dirt on her, all
negative, and she advises them. They leave her
cheerful, satisfied. And she drinks after they leave
sedatives and blood pressure lowering pills. I
told her about the “tips”, she quickly
got her bearings later when they told her about
situations and waited for advice, but did not ask, she
asked: “Should I advise you?” Yes, please advise
Certainly. Then she advised, and for the first time
I stayed calm and didn’t take pills. After
she cheerfully told me that she asked her daughter too
forgiveness for the advice she didn't want to listen to.
Literally three days later her daughter came to her and made
cleaning, washing, which was not noticed before
her.
You have no idea how interesting, even fun
observe how laws work. When we give advice
to our own, unnoticed by ourselves, we condemn them, accuse them,
humiliate. We speak in a raised tone, which is not
we allow with others. We rarely see strangers, but
ours every day and our family relationships are not
happy and sad.

That's why they say that to husband and wife or both
good, or both bad. I'm so glad that I realized
your mistake in relationships with family and friends and
I’m returning my old good ones, warm relations. AND
I believe that everyone who reads this article will find these
same mistakes in yourself. They will correct them and create a family
warm, harmonious, good relations. And they will have
complete mutual understanding, respect, love and happiness.