Why do people not want to be free. Love makes us free

Dear women! Before you judge me, listen to my story to the end.

I'm twenty-six years old, the last five of which I've been married to a man I don't love. My story is simple to the point of horror, dozens of soap operas are based on similar scripts. However, I just so happened. And I am not at all happy with the thought that I will never be happy again.

I'll start my story, perhaps, with the university. Having entered the first year of the Faculty of Economics, I immediately met Dima. In fact, he got to know me. Somehow it all came together very quickly. We started dating, went to the movies, I met his friends (he was a year older), he became friends with mine.

As if in one breath flew by academic year. I'm already so used to my Dima that I could not imagine life without him. However, both of us were from different cities, and we had to part for the summer. All summer we called back, talked to everyone possible ways at that moment (they even wrote letters!), they were waiting for our reunion, so to speak.

Returning from the holidays, it turned out that Dmitry had received the right to an internship abroad. He could not refuse such an opportunity, and I understood that it was for him. big chance get settled in life. And, if the issue of moving was resolved, then the question of our relationship remained open. After surviving 2 months without each other, we had to part for another year.

I remember how he invited me to a cafe before his departure. He was gloomy, gloomy. I wasn't in much of a mood either. Dima started the conversation. He said that he loves me, and that the year will fly by unnoticed, that everything will be fine with us and we will cope with this problem. Then I behaved like a complete fool - I said that since so many obstacles are placed in front of us, it means that we are not destined to be together. She said, let, they say, everything goes as it goes. Which is especially, to be honest, I do not believe in such a relationship.

After these words, our conversation fell apart altogether. In the end, we had a fight, without agreeing on anything (most of all it looked like a break in relations). Dima flew away, I stayed. Some time later, I found out that Dmitry, without waiting for the end of the internship, was offered a job. He, of course, agreed. On this I decided to finally and irrevocably put an end to it and move on.

Soon Kostya appeared in my life. Good guy, loved me very much, and I decided that I could not find a better life partner. This was another huge mistake of mine.

It's strange how sometimes life path forks appear. You choose one path, you never know where the other will lead.

It took a few years, I was already married. And as it usually happens, quite by chance on the street one day I meet Dima. A handsome, grown-up man, he no longer looked like the former youth. However, my affection and love for him, which I hid for all these years, flew out of captivity, breaking all the locks and breaking the bolts. Apparently, the same thing happened inside him. We stood as if rooted to the spot, not uttering a sound. And then, without saying a word, they rushed into each other's arms.

It was love. All-encompassing and all-consuming. I was simply overwhelmed by a wave of feelings and memories, I dissolved in it. Dima was the first to control himself. He said that he flew in for six months for work, that now he needs to run away. But in the evening he invites me to a restaurant.
Time seemed endless that day. Barely waiting for the end of the working day, having warned my husband that I would be late, I went on a date. My Dimochka was already waiting for me there.

All evening we just chatted, not remembering how we parted for the last time, remembering our happiest year at the university. Of course we talked about personal life. It turned out that he had been married for three years, his wife stayed at home, he was alone here, living in a hotel. I told him about Dima. Of course, both of us did not even hope that someone else remained unmarried. However, both of them froze when they asked this question.

Him beautiful wife I have a loving husband. Well, what are you going to do here? And yet we decided to go against the whole world. We started dating. Every evening. We decided not to waste another day without each other. After all, if a person loves someone, why should he be far from him?
So six months went by. Dima flew away, said that he would solve all the problems and come forever. We decided to divorce our spouses, since we did not have time to have children. But the first step is for Dima. I'm still waiting. I'm very afraid that he won't come back. I probably won't be able to bear the second separation from my soul mate.

The curator of the Open Library is Nikolai Solodnikov. © Photo from personal archive Solodnikova

The Dialogues project (open discussions with famous Russians), which monthly gathered many Petersburgers in the Mayakovsky Library and was popular with the audience of Internet broadcasts,. The reason was the pressure of special services on the administration of the institution. City officials also seem to be interested in shutting down the project. What caused such an attitude and what will happen to the Dialogues, Rosbalt was told by the ideologist and founder of the project Nikolai Solodnikov.

— Now the plot of history is already well known. The FSB came to Mayakovsky's library with searches, you had to quit, "Dialogues" after a three-year history were left without a platform. Tell us how this initiative, which caused so much noise, even appeared?

- "Dialogues" was once just one of the formats of the Open Library project, but later it became the only one. Initially, in 2012, everything was conceived as a comprehensive, theoretical and ideally practical reorganization of the city library system. We held various festivals, collaborated with New Holland. They tried to force officials to look at how libraries should live in the city. But due to the immobility of the management system, including in the field of culture, no comprehensive reform has been achieved. It remains only to act on their own. And we began to make such an ideal television in the library, live broadcast, which we lost some time ago. This is how the "Dialogues" were born, within which it became possible to discuss a very wide range of issues - from sports to politics - with the participation of the best intellectuals of our country.

- The project attracted the attention of ill-wishers, including those from the special services, when in May 2015 you planned to invite the Ukrainian politician Mustafa Nayem to St. Petersburg. But a year before that, you said that the Dialogues had both economic and political problems. What did you mean then?

— Any movement from below always causes, let's say, an unhealthy reaction from certain city officials.

The project lived absolutely independently, independently. We did not have any curators either in the presidential administration or in Smolny. We have not agreed with anyone anywhere. Therefore, of course, some dissatisfaction of officials was initially. It was an endless amount of ordeals, some conversations, some requests to stop what we are doing. And just in May 2015, special services also got involved in this case.

- You have already said more than once that the Dialogues were held at your own expense, not a penny was allocated from the budget of St. Petersburg for them. But in one of your interviews there is such a phrase: “It is difficult to do something without financial and administrative support from the city government.”

— At that moment, I was talking about the entire Open Library project, about the conceptual reformation of the entire library system. Nothing can be done here without the participation of the city. And we did the "Dialogues" quite independently. Without a doubt, if the project continues, we plan to maintain financial independence.

- You also once said that the "Dialogues" for Mayakovsky's library is a matter of pride, and the administration of the institution does not want to abandon such a popular project ...

- I said this at a time when the library had not yet received requests for the seizure of documents, for the arrest of equipment by the FSB.

If you're ready for older women in library administration to be interrogated day in and day out, I'm not.

If in order to avoid this, it is necessary to quit and move the "Dialogues" to another place, then this must be done. But despite the fact that things have taken such a sharp turn, the project must continue in St. Petersburg. Without a doubt, now we will look for another site, primarily a state one.

- Can we say that at the "Dialogues" you were ready to discuss everything, regardless of the consequences? Or were there still taboo topics?

- We free people like everyone who lives in Russia. No power can make a person unfree, freedom depends only on himself. Therefore, as soon as you yourself begin to set some boundaries inside, these problems are exclusively yours, and not political power countries. So we talked about everything. Otherwise, why do all this in principle?

- But still, you decided to concentrate on socio-political topics, and not to conduct "Dialogues" exclusively in an educational vein - about culture, art, history, and so on ...

“Because everyone is involved in politics in one way or another. Or politics touches him.

A person simply cannot live outside the political field. Any attempts to get out of it are connected exclusively with self-restraint.

When platforms do not allow themselves this or say that they are not interested in it, I assure you, this is most likely a matter of internal censorship of a particular organizer. Of course, there are specific events, such as cooking classes. Although their policy concerns, among other things, because import substitution in the food sector is a matter of more political than culinary. You need to perceive the world as a whole, you cannot separately consider each phenomenon that occurs around you. The world is very different, very complex, everything is mixed with each other - economics with politics, politics with medicine, medicine with sports, sports with art. Therefore, the topics discussed in " open library' are also very different. If you look at the list of "Dialogues", of which there are already more than 100, then the selection there is extremely wide. Which, I repeat, corresponds to the diversity public life inside the country.

- Didn't you have a feeling that with the development of the project, representatives of the authorities began to come to you as speakers less often, because they were forbidden?

- No, there are not very many simply "speaking" officials who can speak to the public. Those who were ready always came. Mikhail Piotrovsky - an official? Of course, official. Or Alexei Kudrin. Although he is probably already a former official. But our task has always been the same, and we have never left it aside - to invite speakers from different political views. But the fact that the leadership did not advise some people to come to us - this also happened, of course.

- Don't you think that a dialogue between people with diametrically opposed points of view can lead not to the consolidation of society, but to the escalation of the conflict?

We never planned to quarrel people. Dialogues initially imply a conversation, but not a dispute, a quarrel, a dump, and so on. So, of course, we wanted to achieve consolidation in society with the help of the project.

- Viktor Shenderovich said that the closure of the "Dialogues" is natural. I quote: “Dialogue is not a genre of Putin's Russia. This is a monologue country. Russia continues to rapidly degrade”. Do you agree with this statement?

- No, I think that talking about degradation Russian society in general, completely wrong and wrong. The Dialogues were the proof that the country continues to live. Without the participation of society and such state institutions, like Mayakovsky's library, this project could not exist. The fact that it is closed today is the result of degradation individual people and individual government institutions. But not power in general. We often right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. Is Vladimir Putin interested in there being no "Dialogues" in Russia? Of course not. He is interested in the opposite.

The task of destroying the "Dialogues" at the very top is not worth it, I exclude this option. Another thing is that the mechanism of the structure of the Russian government is so complex and so contradictory, there are so many different centers of power that the most living phenomena are often killed in our country.

- But still, how did it happen that the project from an educational project in the eyes of the authorities became almost extremist?

I just answered this question. You now want to expose me as an oppositionist, but I am not an oppositionist. I am a person who taught for a long time, so my activities are exclusively related to enlightenment and education. To classify me as a member of any political camp is absolutely meaningless. I'm not ready to take only one side.

Interviewed by Sofia Mokhova

While the interview was being prepared, it became known that Nikolai Solodnikov, the leadership of the National Library of Russia, would provide a platform for the Dialogues.

What makes a person free? Each of us at least once asked ourselves this question. There are many definitions of the concept of "freedom", as well as great amount points of view on the topic of who he is - a free person, what are the criteria for this state. Let's try to figure it out.

Freedom can be viewed different points vision. A prisoner in prison is far from being free, because he cannot leave his cell, but a journalist who quietly travels around the country also complains of harassment. They take away his freedom of speech. Here is the teacher rural school. He is constrained by material problems, forced to constantly think about how to feed himself and his family. What kind of freedom are we talking about? However, a successful businessman is also a hostage of circumstances - the state does not allow him to develop his business, puts spokes in the wheels.

Many more such examples could be cited. All this external causes our unfreedom. This is how society and the world as a whole works. Created for the benefit of man, he gradually turns him into his slave. Conventions and rules put pressure on people from all sides, often penetrating not only into external manifestations our life, but also in every person, not giving him the opportunity to realize one of his main freedoms - freedom of thought.

It seems that it can be easier than a free thought? No one can stop you from thinking. Even if your brain generates ideas that are unreliable from the point of view of the government, society or family, no one will know about it (unless, of course, you tell everyone about them yourself). But what is the problem then, why is freedom of thought so important?

"Freedom has nothing to do with the outside world. True freedom is not political, not economic: it is spiritual. It is not in your hands. And what is not in your hands cannot be called true freedom."

These are the words of Osho, and it is difficult to disagree with them. What makes a person free? It is difficult to live without money, it gives a certain freedom, but funds can easily disappear. You can leave the state that oppresses you, but this does not mean that everything will go smoothly in another country. To achieve the right to speak openly everything that you think? It is achievable, but there are pitfalls here too. Everything that happens inside of us cannot be taken away, spoiled, lost, only if we ourselves do not want it. Free man- this is an internally unlimited individual who is in harmony with himself and the world.

Here we come to the most interesting and important point of our reasoning. What makes a person free? We have seen that the keys to the desired state are within us. But what can prevent you from using them?

There is an opinion that the main enemy in a person's achievement of freedom are the ideas that he takes for granted (most often in the process of upbringing and education). These are external conditionings that have been transformed into him but have nothing to do with what he really wants, feels and thinks. It is not so important what message these ideas carry, positive or negative. If a person does not understand that it is not him, but only a thought, an idea, he cannot become free.

It is not necessary to give up your beliefs, you just need to realize them. This applies to children's complexes that do not allow us to develop, and to religious ideas that prevent us from understanding what we really believe in, and to our schemes regarding right life. Because of the latter, we are often in constant planning for the future, forgetting about the present, striving not for what we want and can, but for what we somehow have to want.

What makes a person free? We have found the answer. Awareness of oneself apart from ideas, search for oneself, inner work. You need to be constantly aware of yourself, not to act mechanically, to be here and now. This is true freedom.

Do you consider yourself a free person? What do you mean by this concept? It is quite possible that you are mistaken because of the wrong opinion that is being put into us. modern society since childhood. Let's put it on the "shelves" who is a real free person.

A free person is devoid of fear of other people, he never considers his own from the side of the problem. No, he uses communication to the fullest, inspiring people to work.

He is the leader to follow. Of course, he is always open to others, he can hear those who need it. But this does not mean that he will please everyone, only when it coincides with his plans.

A free person will always be able to modernize his values ​​and desires if he sees a benefit in a new idea. Therefore, we can say that such a person is not biased and is not limited by his little world.

Naturally, no material values ​​​​have power over her. And that gives her extra freedom. A free man will not resolve disputes by force, there is no need for this: the main "weapon" is negotiations, in which he wins.

He can calmly spend his time and effort to find a way out of difficult situation. A free person will never resort to deceit or threats, on the contrary, such a person will interest people, and they themselves will go to resolve the conflict.

10 peculiar "commandments" were deduced. Perhaps you should take note of them and incorporate them into your life.

1. My conduct and all its consequences are entirely my responsibility. I understand perfectly well what is bad and what is good.
2. I have every right to leave my actions without explanation and apology. This is my choice, and I have my own reasons for this.
3. Only I can determine the extent of my responsibility towards other people. Those around me are also not constrained in their choice, and any of their actions is their decision.
4. It is in my power to change my mind at any time. Again, no one has the right to tell me or allow me.
5. If I commit, then this is my right. I'm not perfect and therefore I can do the wrong thing. However, my mistakes are my experience.
6. Like any real man I can't know absolutely everything. Therefore, at any moment you can hear from me the phrase “I don’t know!”
7. I do not depend on someone else's attitude towards me. The most important thing is my own attitude towards myself and it is excellent!
8. If you do not see the logic in my actions and decisions, these are your problems. I know better what to do.
9. I can at any time say that I do not understand my interlocutor. I don't need to pretend.
10. I will never depend on the fashion and hobbies of other people. If I like something, then I will bring it into my life.

Watch this video right now

Cheating is an inexhaustible topic for psychologists and, of course, for gossip. Remember the expression: if you have been cheated on, rejoice that you have been cheated on, and not on your homeland? And if betrayal of the Motherland can still be explained, then relationships in a couple are not always subject to logic. For example, why married woman another man? Unless there are not enough problems with the husband? Paradoxically, but because it is needed, that the problems are through the roof.

There are many reasons for female adultery, but we will not stop here. Let's just say that unfree mistresses are unlikely to get men for joint trips to the theater. Lack of attention and other things play huge role in a woman's life, but decisive factor Whatever one may say, there is sex.

Let's say more - not all beautiful ladies confuses the presence of relations with two partners at the same time. Some even find it funny. Either the concept of fidelity appears to them very vaguely, or fidelity is so boring that it is time to get rid of it.

But neither one nor the other, entering into a forbidden relationship, never think about the main thing - the consequences. Who gets into the head, lying down in bed with an ardent friend, thinking about what life will be like after a month of meetings? And who thinks how to behave with the same friend in order to maintain or break the connection?

The consequences that the married mistress of a married man will face can be very different. Recommendations are inappropriate here. However, if you are already the main tie love triangle then there are some tips for you. They concern not only how to behave with a partner, but also your personal feelings. For example, how not to get lost in the world of fidelity and betrayal that you yourself created. Let's talk.

The first rule in a relationship with a lover is if you're not sure, don't start.

Remember, the famous Sherlock Holmes said: “She was smart! You are no match for her!" What was he talking about? About the ability of a lady to be successfully married and at the same time live for her own pleasure.

They say that wise people simply cannot physically get into a situation “between two fires”. Lies. It happens that even the smartest lady does not know which of the relationships is a fatal mistake - with her husband or with her lover. Therefore, intelligence is the first thing a girl needs to have. It will help not to go crazy while throwing and changing beds.

Second, memorize the details. “A liar must have an excellent memory,” said Jerzy Lec. Lying is unpleasant and immoral, but in this situation lies cannot be avoided. The lady who got involved in the game will have to turn on all her skills - intuition, cunning, insight, legibility in people. Therefore, if you are married, first think about whether you have the strength and patience to play a double game. Also think about what you will do if the secret becomes public domain.

Remember, betrayal is a painful fact not only for those who are betrayed. Not everyone can make a deal with their own conscience, as well as with instilled ethical rules. We can say that only a few have such a quality. After all, the lady will have to:

• To lie without blushing to the one who trusts (spouse).
• Time to run away from the bed of the one you love.
• To be torn into two parts, not feeling complete freedom, peace and tranquility.
• Silence and silence again, swallowing your own sadness

So, now you are not free in emotions and actions. You need to take control of yourself and an accommodating conscience is the first necessary attribute of a woman's game. Silence is the second. Otherwise, snotty confessions about your infidelity (to your husband) or playful flirting with hints that, they say, I'm married and you won't get me (boyfriend) will spoil all your plans. Men who take revelations and flirting calmly are one in a million. The rest are owners. And let it be contrary to personal freedom and civilized norms, but it is so.

Therefore, tormented by remorse, think carefully - who needs your confessions? Will such a tactic turn the situation in a positive direction? What will you do if everything opens up?

Shut up, don't get distracted, protect yourself

Married women experience the penitent syndrome from time to time. In order to somehow extinguish it, you need to make a picture exactly the opposite - imagine yourself in the place of the missus. For example, he comes to you and frankly admits to treason. Who is worse? Of course you. The spouse exhales with relief - finally freed from the burden, and you take on all the burden. Moreover, on your shoulders is also the responsibility for deciding whether to live with the wrong one.

And now another (sparing) picture - you are silent, the novel ends, everything is getting better, no one is suffering. Describe these situations in more detail for yourself and reread the text during “tearful exacerbations”.

If both lovers are not free and experience strong feeling guilt, we can talk about it. Relief comes after the conversation. But it is recommended to open the soul if both trust each other and, of course, do not talk about it at every convenient moment.

• Do not be distructed. When spending time with a lover, do not be distracted by thoughts about the missus. And, moreover, do not be distracted by guilt! Also turn off all gadgets and make your partner do the same. Otherwise, what's the point of dating? Agree, it’s funny if, after sex, a couple will each turn to their phone, thus making a break. Think about the owner. Show your partner that you belong entirely to him. At least, during dates, this impression should be created. But don't forget about yourself. You deserve pleasure and calm nerves. Therefore, when spending time with another, forget about negative thoughts learn to "turn off" the mind. Let it be just an hour, but it's not the quantity that matters, but the quality of the time spent together.
• Respect your choice. After all, it was not without reason that you dared to dual relationship. Respect the reasons why what happened happened. It's yours own solution, let now you are at a crossroads.
• Keep yourself safe. The situation suggests a kind of bifurcation. But try not to succumb to emotional separation. After all, in fact, you remain the same one woman. Whatever happens, keep your integrity.

• Protect yourself! Don't ignore this item. After all, good sex can end in a very bad diagnosis at a venereologist's appointment or an unplanned pregnancy. Think about what you will tell your spouse if you suddenly become pregnant? And in general, what will your life be like after the birth of a child? Everything happens in life and it happens that even a short relationship of lovers ruins the lives of several people at once.

What is possible and what is not possible with a lover?

How to behave with a lover? Married and married lovers often make mistakes. At first glance, they are completely insignificant. But suddenly the moment comes when "the fly turns into an elephant", and the novel is exposed literally from scratch.

What rules must be observed so that the relationship between lovers is kept secret?

• First ban. Being in the inner circle of acquaintances, do not flirt with a secret boyfriend. This category includes mutual friends, colleagues, relatives, and anyone who knows you at least a little. And it is better to show your feelings exclusively in a love nest. Even better - do not intersect in such companies. Do you know that lovers can be seen from afar? You can be "calculated" even by looking at each other. Therefore, we repeat once again - turn on the mind and turn off the heart.
• Second - do not bring flowers / gifts home if you are not able to clearly explain to your spouse where they came from. It is better to hint to the boyfriend so that the surprises are justified - let him give you a birthday present. And you will tell the faithful that your friends turned out to be very generous today.
• Third. Cavaliers are sometimes interested in what are the husbands of married lovers? Especially, they are interested in the bed issue. So, no comparisons. Discussing the ability of a spouse with anyone else is a bad form. And even more so with another man. If a curious friend asks, keep quiet, smile sweetly and think of the Maldives. And if he strongly insists, distract bodily - let him draw conclusions on his own.
• The fourth prohibition - if the beloved is married, do not elicit details about his missus. If a lady is interested in such things, it means that she is not quite self-confident and wants to assert herself at the expense of her wife's shortcomings. And then - this is again a bad tone.
• Fifth - don't go on a date if you're not in a good mood. There are days when even crazy sex is not fun. The same is true when time is running out. Bake a cake with one hand, dry your head with the other and freak out because you are late - no one needs such sacrifices. Both of you shouldn't waste your nerves on something like this.

What about the husband? Your image and alibi

How to behave with your husband? You must be above suspicion. Build yourself an impeccable reputation. Make it so that no one in the head and did not suspect you of treason. And first of all, the husband should be in absolute ignorance. Remember that a lot depends on your behavior at home, as well as in public.

The image of a decent wife and conscientious hostess will save you from unnecessary trouble. For example, a spouse will not have the thought to check whether her friend really had her. And if so, which one?

But there must be an alibi just in case. At least indirectly. If you are allegedly planning a business trip, drag home a pile of documents. Show how hard you are preparing by flipping through them at breakfast.

And if you supposedly return from the gym, do not forget to wash off your makeup. It would be nice to have a sports bag, a uniform and a tired look. Otherwise, do not be surprised if the missus asks you about how the coach looks, whether he is young, whether he is handsome.

Also remember - never discuss your love affairs with third parties. Even the most best friend who swore allegiance to you cannot be trusted. You can trust if you aim to brag. Or when both those and other relationships end and there is nothing to lose. But if you value a secret connection, then tell about your adventures only to your diary. Or go to the forum on these issues and throw out the pain under a different name. Only then will the secret remain a secret. And yes, it is also better to be safe here - do not paint the names and details of events. Write what you feel, but in general. Suddenly, there is a catch - the spouse will go to the forum or find a diary and read it?

And finally, a quote from the legendary Ranevskaya - "Everything passes." Passes even love to the grave. Lovers and unfaithful wives sooner or later part, but the spouse remains. So, do not build castles in the air, do not cherish the hope of a joint future with others, act wisely. Good luck!