If your husband is annoying, what should you do? Psychology of family relationships. We irritate each other - we have a bad marriage

He's so confident. She never shuts up. He never offers to help. She is sure that she knows everything better than anyone... Your partner has begun to irritate you - does this mean that your marriage is under threat?

These anxieties are absolutely normal, there is nothing unusual in them, assures the famous family therapist Chana Levitan in the book “That’s Why I Married You!”

When we are in love, she writes, our gaze is first fixed on what attracts us in our partner. But over time, our differences become obvious, and then we can unwittingly concentrate too much on what we don’t like about him.

And now everything that the spouse does seems annoying. The time comes for complaints, criticism and demands that the partner change. The saddest thing is if both parties to the relationship become stronger negative feelings to each other. Vicious circle creates " bad marriage».

Don't change your partner - change yourself

And now what i can do? "There are two magic words– “accept and allow,” answers Chana Levitan. “They mean that you must give up the desire to change your partner and accept him as he is.”

By taking the mistakes, shortcomings and imperfections of your loved one for granted, you get the opportunity to expand the range of your responses. Of course, if your partner is behaving so provocatively that it becomes dangerous, you can - and even should - simply leave. But if the situation is not so critical, how can we respond more constructively?

Here is an example from my practice. Karl came to the reception with complaints about his wife, who devalued all his efforts to express love. When he gave her diamond earrings for her birthday, Polly said she wanted a bracelet. When he washed her car, she pointed out the remaining stains. When Karl own initiative bought something for dinner, Polly snorted that he brought the wrong yogurt. No approval, no smile, just analysis of mistakes.

Each such incident caused Karl emotional pain. He tried not to show his resentment, anger and depression. And Polly, of course, felt his disappointment and irritation and... she herself complained about the notes of discontent in his voice.

To begin with, Karl had to learn not to react to every critical remark as if he had been suddenly hit. After all, Polly behaved this way throughout her 12-year marriage. It was not difficult to foresee that the nagging would be repeated. Realizing this, Karl began to treat them much calmer, and sometimes even with sympathy for his wife: “It’s sad that Polly has such a hard time accepting signs of love.”

When you don't try to change your partner, but focus on changing your own behavior, miracles happen

Following the emotional reaction, his behavior also changed. Previously, when he heard criticism, he reproached Polly for rejecting his attention and care. And for 12 years this strategy did not work. Now Karl has trained himself to say, “Thanks for the information,” and then change the subject.

He reminded himself that Polly was very sensitive and sensitive in many situations. loving person, but he doesn’t know how to accept or give signs of love. This is the sad reality, but it is better to come to terms with it and allow Polly to be herself than to continue to be disappointed, resentful and angry at each other every time.

When you don't try to change your partner, but focus on changing your own behavior, miracles happen. Many psychologists talk about this, for example, Ken Case in the book “Why Are You Not Like Me?” also advises you to accept that your partner is not a copy of you, but a completely different person who has his own individual traits - some are similar to yours, some are very different. The sooner you realize this, the happier your marriage and your partner will be.

I admit, sometimes I want my beloved 45-year-old husband to change his behavior in some way. In such cases, my strategy is “Speak up and leave it at that.” Share what's bothering you once, and then continue to enjoy what you still like about your partner. Of course, his reaction will depend on how exactly you express your feelings.

One of the main tasks in the work of a psychotherapist is to help participants in relationships reverse their own first impulses. Most spouses who are in desperate situation and resort to the help of a specialist, they must realize that it is not the partner, but they themselves who need to change behavior.

Talk about yourself, not him

When you bring up a topic that is painful to your partner, such as a different way of doing something than you, your critical comments will cause resistance. But if you describe net worth in connection with your partner’s actions with words like “when you do this, then I...”, this is perceived as an explanation of your emotional reaction, and not as a criticism.

For example: “I feel so bad when I see leftover toothpaste in the sink.” The first part of the sentence talks about your feelings, the second explains the reason for these feelings. That is, the focus of the conversation is, firstly, on you, and secondly, on the situation. Your partner's identity is not affected.

The main challenge is to effectively manage the differences between spouses. When you skillfully negotiate these differences, your connection becomes deeper and love is more firmly woven into your life together.

about the author

(Susan Heitler) – clinical psychologist from Denver (USA), author of several books, popular blogger. Her website.

Strongly, every wife can remember. This happens even in the lives of the happiest and most harmonious married couples. Why do some families successfully survive and forget difficult times, while others fall apart? Let's try to understand this difficult issue.

My husband is pissing me off - how is that?

On her wedding day, every bride is the happiest. Usually this feeling lasts for at least several months after the exchange of wedding rings. But over time, pleasant moments become less and less, and responsibilities and everyday problems become more and more. In most cases it is on at this stage relationship, domestic quarrels and scandals begin. Resentments and complaints accumulate, and now my husband annoys me every day. A woman may not be happy that her husband slurps or stomps loudly, scatters his things, leaves dirt behind, or rests too much. The list of household complaints can be continued endlessly. For some, the husband snores, for others he often goes fishing, for others he lies on the couch all day. All of the above situations have one thing in common: the most native and close person Now it’s infuriating, and living with him no longer brings pleasant emotions.

Causes of irritation

A simple thing will help you understand the current situation: Take a piece of paper and write down what exactly irritates your husband. Do not hesitate to indicate any, even the most insignificant reasons, and clearly formulate serious offenses. If the degree of irritation is high, most likely it will be difficult for you to immediately remember all the complaints. You can leave the list for a while, and after a couple of hours or even a day, re-read it and add to it.

As soon as you feel that you have recorded on paper all the reasons for your dissatisfaction with your husband, you can begin to analyze the problems. In a calm mood, study each item and try to rationally assess its seriousness. Agree, it’s stupid to create scandals or even destroy a family because a good husband throws his socks away or forgets to call you during the working day just to chat.

If the spouse does not devote any time to his significant other or earns too little, measures must be taken. Let's take a closer look at the most common ones in modern world family problems.

My husband annoys me every day... What to do with domestic disagreements?

Most often, complaints about the “bad” behavior of a spouse arise if the couple began living together only after the wedding. Instead of beautiful courtship and interesting time together, a woman suddenly discovers her chosen one in sweatpants at home in front of the TV. Of course, such a husband is annoying, especially if he is not embarrassed by the smell of sweat, throws away dirty clothes and leaves unwashed dishes in the most unexpected places in the apartment. But don't give up, most of these problems can be solved simply by talking to your spouse.

Choose the right moment and calmly explain to your husband what exactly you don’t like. Don’t expect instant changes; it is quite difficult to re-educate a formed personality. You will have to tactfully remind them of the agreement from time to time. Don't forget to reward success - praise your spouse when he really tries. The most important thing is to be patient, and over time you will definitely succeed.

Lack of attention and care

Many women, after years of marriage, remember the beginning with nostalgia and longing. romantic relationships with my own husband. At that time, the chosen one seemed the best and literally perfect in everything. Now it’s as if he’s been replaced - he’s always gloomy, can just be rude, and ignores his wife. What is the reason for such changes? The problem of cooling off and losing interest in each other is familiar to many couples firsthand. If this happens in your family, before blaming your significant other for everything, you need to pay attention to yourself. When was the last time you made your husband happy with something, how often do you tell him pleasant words and do you show care just like that, for no reason? Happiness consists of such little things as once again asking about his affairs or well-being, buying some insignificant but pleasant gift, pleasing him with a surprise or getting a massage. Please and surprise your spouse every day, and very soon he will also begin to treat you more tenderly and reverently.

Problems to be solved

A typical family situation occurs quite often: the other half annoys almost everyone and every second. When you start to understand what is happening, it turns out that the problem is not how loudly the spouse watches TV or that he does not always clean up after himself, but something more global. If a man does not earn enough, does not participate in raising the children, or completely refuses to help around the house, his wife will naturally be unhappy. In the presence of real problems, including in a man’s behavior, it is important to identify them promptly and accurately. This is not an easy task; many couples require professional family counseling from a psychologist to solve it. Still, it's worth trying to figure it out.

Clearly formulated tasks. Accordingly, the wife’s task is to prepare for a serious conversation according to all the rules. If you are raising children, ask him to take them for a walk on the weekend or at least check on them a few days a week homework. At financial problems It would be logical to offer options for changing jobs or increasing earnings. Believe me, requests and frank admissions of your own dissatisfaction are much more effective than endless reproaches.

What if the irritation is causeless?

There are times in each of our lives when everything irritates us. IN major cities Life moves at a frantic pace, and daily stress becomes a habit. How often do you lash out at people in your household for no reason? Perhaps the simplest requests and their desire to communicate make you nervous and truly angry? If everything is good in the family as a whole, and the husband more often makes you happy than sad, but still infuriates you, you need to look for the reasons in yourself. Most likely, causeless irritation is a symptom of chronic fatigue. Try to get a good night's sleep and dedicate only one day off to yourself, and if possible, an entire vacation.

The best thing, of course, is to go to a sanatorium or resort. However, if you want, you can have quality rest at home - walk more, find something you like that will relax you. It’s hard to believe, but the question “What to do if your husband is constantly annoying?” This is often asked by expectant mothers as well. Indeed, during pregnancy, due to hormonal changes, a woman’s mood changes constantly. Cope with own emotions It’s very difficult during this period, but you should still try to be more restrained and not take what’s happening to heart.

When it's too much

It often happens that a good husband annoys his own wife because he is too much. Most relevant this problem for married couples who work together. But even if you spend less than 24 hours together every day, you can also get tired of each other. Communication and spending time together is important for all spouses, but each person should also have some personal interests.

Useful advice for women who are annoyed by everything, including their own husband, is to try taking a break from your family. Meeting with friends, shopping alone or visiting a beauty salon for half a day will allow you to relax and get a lot of positive emotions. It’s no worse to spend the evening in silence, allowing your husband to relax with friends. Spouses working together simply need to have hobbies and organize leisure time separately from each other.

Learn to see not only the negatives!

If you have problems in your relationship with your other half, any service psychological assistance advises you to remember all the good things. This is a very simple and effective technique. You have already written down point by point everything that annoys you about your spouse, now it’s time to remember its advantages. Write down on paper the advantages of your husband and all the advantages of living with him. You need to save this list, re-read it from time to time and add new items according to your mood.

Learn to appreciate and respect your spouse. As soon as you feel a flash of irritation, remind yourself that there is more good in him and around him than bad. Of course, you shouldn’t go to extremes, and if your spouse really often behaves disrespectfully, earns little, and even constantly initiates quarrels over trifles, you should think about working on the relationship, even if he is the kindest and most loving.

When is family counseling necessary?

Not a single piece of advice from our article helped you, and the situation is getting worse every day? If you cannot understand what is happening on your own and correct the situation, it makes sense to contact professional help. Find good specialist V this issue today it is not difficult in any major city.

Remember that any psychological assistance service or practicing family psychologist will be able to solve your problem only if you talk about it with the utmost honesty and openness. There is even a joke that you should be more honest in a psychological office than in confession. And indeed it is. Find a psychologist with whom communication will not cause you discomfort, tell him honestly about your problems and be prepared to strictly follow the recommendations you receive. And then very soon you will forget that your husband can be annoying.

Question:

Hello. Tell me how to solve the problem. My husband and I have been married for only 2 years and previously dated for 3. Now we have a little daughter - she will soon be 1 year old. And the problem I have is that it seems to me that we do not understand each other. All his actions irritate me, every word addressed to me seems to me either an insult or humiliation of me. I also have a lot of complaints in his direction, and to be honest, I’m tired of “nagging” him. It's very difficult for us to find common topics for conversation. All my resentment sits inside me like a worm and eats from the inside. No matter what I tried, nothing changed. I'm very tired of this and don't know what to do anymore. I want the child to grow up in normal family, and not where parents yell at each other and fight for any reason. Thanks in advance for your answer.
Olesya, Saratov.

Answer:

Olesya, hello.
Your letter... made me happy. No, don't be surprised! I haven’t confused you with anyone, I understand that to you your life seems like a nightmare. But I personally am glad that you seek advice not when it is too late, and only separation can solve the problems. You describe mutual dissatisfaction - but neither of you talks about divorce. You and your husband not only want to save your family, but also recognize that living together in such conditions is not good for either you or the child.

In addition, it is great that you understand your contribution to the relationship, and do not blame only your husband for everything. You realize that it is YOU who perceive any word your husband says as an insult (and do not describe it as the fact that it is HE who constantly insults you). You yourself are tired of nagging him - that is, you are ready to change YOUR behavior and perception, and do not just insist that HE change. That is why I believe that your situation is not at all hopeless!

I don’t know what you mean when you say “no matter what I’ve tried, nothing helps.” And I don’t know what kind of complaints you have against each other, how serious and objective they are.
But there is one simple one good saying: “If you want to live in harmony, agree!”
If each of you is tired of living in conflicts, if every spoken word is perceived as a “blow,” it means that your body and brain were already ready for a fight in advance. In common parlance this is called " prejudice" As soon as your husband appears at home (or even just in your thoughts and memories), you immediately become wary and do not expect anything good. When and how it started is no longer very important. Perhaps you have a number of well-deserved grievances and labels that you have hung on your husband - well, for example, that he is rude, irresponsible, does not understand you at all and does not love or appreciate you at all (the way you would like).

Our brain is designed in a special way - it first believes what it sees, and then sees only what it believes. If you once made negative conclusions about your husband and truly believed that this was his true face, then then you really notice in his behavior and words only that which confirms these negative conclusions.

At my trainings, I sometimes ask people to do one very simple exercise. I ask them to talk about the same event (for example, a conflict) three times in a row - but all the time using different words, different approach. There can be any way to diversify and change your story. You can talk in more detail or briefly, dwell on some details and ignore others. You can tell it from the point of view of one or another participant in the conflict - or even an outside observer. Can you imagine how your little daughter could describe your quarrel with your husband (if she could talk)? What if she hadn’t told this in adult words at all, but only with gestures, facial expressions, and her own childish words? How would your mother describe it? Or my husband's mother??? Or a passerby under your window who accidentally overheard part of the conversation?
You can also start your story with the words “Well, nothing worse has ever happened in my life,” or you can title it “I’m great!” Now imagine that 20-30 years have passed, and you need to describe this incident for an inquisitive grandson. Now imagine that you end your story with the words: “And because of this, your grandfather and I divorced”... Your feelings change, don’t they?

I remember one day, after this exercise, one of the students with literally “square eyes” came up to me and asked: “Do you mean that my attitude towards this person will change if I just stop calling him a BATTLE in my story?”

Olesya, if you still respect yourself and your husband and want to maintain a happy family, stop mentally or literally clenching your fists when you think about your husband or talk to him. Look at him and INSIDE YOURSELF tell this person “YES!” If you do it from the heart, with feeling, if you remember that you chose him once, that thanks to him your wonderful daughter was born, and that you want to live your life happily - you will no longer be able to yell at him at this moment, no matter how he provokes you.
A simple word “Yes!” relaxes muscles and frees closed minds. Then it will be much easier for you to find some other, uncharacteristic answers to his usual remarks that previously triggered conflicts.
Try this and see what happens.

Good luck to you.
Cordially, Yulia SINAREVA.

Find out more detailed information about psychologist Yulia SINAREVA, as well as familiarize yourself with her works, purchase her books and sign up for an individual consultation

Even in the strongest and happiest families, there are times when you hear from one of the spouses: my husband and I are annoying each other, what should we do? Unfortunately, this happens living together starts to call negative emotions, feelings for each other gradually fade away, as a result irritation accumulates. Let's try to understand the current situation and accept correct solution to resolve it.

Doubts about your loved one

Let's start with the fact that you should not associate irritation with an imminent separation. Panic about this is especially common among young couples. A girl or guy is depressed by the way the other half eats, snores or spends weekends with a friend.

With the realization of this fact comes fear. If he/she annoys me so much now, what will happen in 20 years? Was I wrong in my choice? Anger at your spouse should be a wake-up call for reflection, but not a reason for divorce.

Irritation can be caused by banal fatigue - from life, circumstances and each other. Lack of sleep, regular deadlines, conflicts with superiors only remain in the gloss beyond the threshold of the apartment.

IN real life Few people are able to forget work problems immediately after leaving the office. The inability to express all complaints to the boss results in nightly family quarrels at home. The irritant becomes only a reason to get rid of negative emotions through clarification of relationships.

How to solve a problem?

This problem has three main solutions.

The first is divorce and searching for a new partner.
The second is to humble yourself and leave everything in its place.
The third is working on relationships and searching for lost harmony.

If you have chosen the third option for yourself, then you should start taking action. What do we have to do? Start working on yourself. Try to spend as much time as possible on your hobbies. If you don't have a hobby, now is the time to find one. Favorite hobby gives an extraordinary influx of fresh strength and energy. If you have low self-esteem, then you should work on it, love yourself.

Take an outside look at yourself and your behavior. Pay attention to the intonation you choose when communicating with your husband. Would you be pleased if your chosen one began to talk to you in this way? If the answer is no, then try to change your communication style to a more pleasant one.

Try to focus attention not only on the negative aspects. Make a list of what you love most about your husband, describe all of his positive traits. We are sure there are quite a lot of them. Remind yourself of this side of his character as often as possible.

Analyze what annoys you most and think about whether you really want to change your chosen one. It is likely that your goal is for your spouse to admit his mistakes. It is likely that in your relationship there is one a big problem, which entails the appearance of the smallest ones.

In such a situation, you need to deal with the root cause of the conflict. For example, this could be the level wages. If a man earns little, and you are unhappy with this, then any household little things begin to irritate you. Family life requires a review of your habits and changes in your usual way of life.

There is no point in giving up your desires completely. Try to find a compromise. Try to maintain the lifestyle that suits you. However, keep in mind that you must also take into account the wishes of your partner. Try to find a common hobby that will only excite positive emotions in both.

This could be riding bicycles or playing sports together. In a word, anything. This will help you get to know each other from a new side and find harmony in your relationship.

What should you not do?

Pledge of stable and strong relationships is not only love, but also the ability to understand your partner. There is an opinion that it is much easier for representatives of the fair sex to change something in themselves, to be more flexible in this regard. You shouldn't try to change a man.

If you think that women before your appearance in his life tried poorly to change him, but you will succeed, then this is a mistaken opinion. You can change only small moments, but otherwise you are unlikely to be able to do it. Accept your chosen one for who he is.

Looking for a solution

Do not rush to submit your resignation letter at will. Cope with chronic fatigue more possible simple methods. Take a vacation for at least a couple of weeks, go to warm countries or visit relatives in the countryside. A change of scenery will help you forget about financial reports and office discussions.

Make it a rule to drink a glass of soothing herbal tea every day before bed. For example, from chamomile, peppermint, lemon balm or valerian root. Don’t forget to pour your spouse a glass too. Set aside at least 8-9 hours for sleep every day, mercilessly cutting down on the time you spend watching your favorite TV series at night or going to a nightclub.

Sleep in a well-ventilated area. Within a couple of weeks, sleep will be restored, and minor difficulties will no longer symbolize the end of the world. “My husband and I annoy each other because we have different views for life”... If your relationship can be characterized this way, know: you are not alone. You and your spouse were raised in different families, with different traditions and moral principles.

In one family, slurping while eating is considered a sign of bad taste, in another it is considered a kind of “compliment” to the cook about the food he has prepared. Your husband physically cannot know the rules according to which you lived and were raised.

Since the fight against an irritant is so important for you, discuss the difference in thinking in calm atmosphere. Explain to your spouse what you don’t like, but don’t forget about his interests: let him make mutual claims.

Mutual understanding is the key to happiness

Achieving mutual understanding on this issue is only possible if you respect your other half. In general, it is impossible to resolve any conflict within a family without the ability to understand and feel who is nearby. Otherwise, both you and your partner will be determined to protect and defend their interests from the very beginning of the conversation.

Such communication will bring nothing but insults and distance. Do you constantly complain to your friends: “My husband and I annoy each other, I don’t know what to do about it”? Isn't it easier to spend half an hour of your precious time having a heart-to-heart conversation?

On the verge of a breakdown, remember more often why you fell in love with your spouse. Let him talk too loudly or dislike your mother. But he values you, adores your children, and after 10 years of living under the same roof, he calls you the one and only. Compared to this, small quibbles simply pale into insignificance. Make a list of your spouse’s “pros” and look at it regularly.

We extinguish conflicts

Agree with your husband on a peaceful way to resolve conflicts. Learn to control yourself - quarrels and ultimatums will not lead to anything good. As soon as you feel a wave of anger coming over you, just get up and leave the room or “switch” to a TV program or interesting book. Learn not to see or hear what makes you angry. You don't hear your husband snoring when you're sound asleep, do you?

Without a tiny portion of mutual irritation, healthy family relationships are impossible. Realizing that your partner is imperfect, you learn to think soberly and respect yourself. Any man will get tired of servile love sooner or later. Irritating factors allow you to work on yourself and understanding as a couple. The main thing is to make sure that they do not develop into full-fledged hatred or hostility towards your spouse.

Experts say that the main thing in such a situation is to understand your husband and accept him for who he is. There are several ways to do this.

We are looking for a compromise

It is definitely worth discussing the current situation with your spouse. Under no circumstances should you make a scandal or throw tantrums. Talk to your husband in a calm atmosphere, find out why he acts in one way or another. Tell him about your feelings and emotions, try to convey to him the importance of the issue being discussed. Remind him that you love him and try to find a compromise.

View from the outside

For example, you are quite annoyed that your husband does not support you and does not express his love often enough. Think about how you tried to communicate this problem to him.

Scandals and nit-picking are not the best The best way tell your husband about your dissatisfaction with his behavior. He will only understand that it annoys you, but he won’t know what to do about it. Try not to throw hysterics or find fault with little things, make it a rule to calmly report your problems to your significant other.

Simple exercise

The essence of this exercise is very simple. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts. It is better if you do this exercise together. On one side of the sheet, indicate all the points that irritate you about your man. On the other half, describe your reaction to all these points in behavior.

Then you need to tear the sheet into two parts. This way you will get two lists. One is with factors that irritate you. And the other list will probably contain everything that your husband doesn’t like about your behavior. Discuss each of the points that cause irritation in both of you.

In this way, you can correct not only the shortcomings of your chosen one, but also work on your own. After discussions, a system of fines can be developed. If one of the spouses commits an act from the list, then certain sanctions are imposed on him.

So, for example, if your man once again does not clean up after himself, then he will have to take you to a cafe or cinema for this. Or, if your behavior has caused aggression in your significant other, then let him go fishing for the whole weekend.

Pregnancy

If you are expecting a child, and the level of aggression towards your husband is growing every day, then try to constantly remind yourself that he may be one of the few people who will help you get through these difficult 9 months.

Remember that he will never do anything bad to you or your child. Hint to your husband that now you need love and care, ask him to help with household chores. Try to spend as much time together as possible.

Difference in character

Don't forget that every person is individual. Everyone has different tempers, temperaments, ideas about love and friendship. If it seems to you that a man is not showing enough attention, then think about the fact that this is probably the maximum he is capable of. Maybe he was raised in a family where it was absolutely not customary to express his feelings and emotions. He may unconsciously copy the behavior of his parents, not realizing that you lack love and affection.

Mirroring

“Mirroring” is one of the most effective ways deal with the problem. The principle is as follows. Identify for yourself the main points that irritate you, and think about what in your behavior could cause such a reaction from your husband.

For example, if you work a lot and try to cope with all the problems on your own, then he may lose all desire to do anything. If you are unhappy that your man has stopped pampering you and caring for you, then most likely you yourself have become emotionally closed and rarely express your love for your husband.

Gratitude

The advice is very simple and effective. Thank your husband for what he does for you and your family. For some reason, women very often forget about this, although they themselves are offended that they do not hear words of gratitude for doing daily household chores.

Men also want to hear a simple human “thank you” for the most basic things. Try telling your husband more often about what you are grateful for, the results will not be long in coming.