Some people think that passive aggression is The best way resolve conflicts. But that's not true. Not only does this tactic lead to enormous frustration, but it is also an incredibly counterproductive action on the part of the passive-aggressive person because he or she does not gain any real insight from it.

“And for the person who is the target of passive aggression, experiencing this type of treatment can make you feel crazy,” explains Scott Wetzler.

Wetzler, PhD, Chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Medical center Montefiore, and the author of Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man. “You are told that everything is fine, but you feel tension in your relationship. You know something is going on, but the other person is hiding it from you.”

“At its core, this behavior is embellished hostility,” Wetzler explains. “So, for example, instead of directly denying your request, these people... indirectly do not do what you expect them to do.”

Passive-aggressive behavior, expressed in many ways, has the same root: it is based on fear and an attempt to avoid direct conflict, coupled with feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Result? A silent power struggle that can be expressed in different ways, for example:

• Sarcasm

• Silence

• Avoiding direct contact

• Lack of praise

• Criticism

• Sabotage

• Lateness

• Failure to comply with a request

“Sometimes this passive-aggressive behavior is intentional because the passive-aggressive person wants the other to be the first to engage in conflict, but often the behavior is completely unintentional,” says California psychiatrist Andrea Brandt, MD, author of “ 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness and Mindful Anger: The Emotional Path To Freedom. “They find people who give them a boost,” Dr. Brandt explains. “They direct passive aggression at people who cannot give them an answer and who are easily angered.”

Brandt believes that sometimes people are passive aggressive because of their upbringing. For example, people who grew up in a family where one parent is dominant over the other are more likely to be passive aggressive. “They learn that to the strong and unbalanced people cannot be contacted directly, but they you can lie or keep things secret from them to get what you want, she explains. - For example, we all heard the following phrase in childhood: “We won’t tell this to your father.” It's passiveaggressive behavior".

While we all express passive aggression from time to time (just remember the last time you said “yes” when you meant “no”), there are some people who are more prone to this behavior. People who avoid or fear conflict are more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior, as are people with low self-esteem and self-confidence, “because you haven't been given permission to express your feelings, especially anger,” says Andrea Brandt.

What's the best way to communicate with a passive-aggressive person?

1. Call the behavior by its real name: hostility.“Recognizing and recognizing this behavior for what it really is means recognizing that it is a type of hostility and not being fooled by its harmlessness and subtlety,” advises Wetzler. “When you recognize it as a type of hostility, you have the opportunity to deal with it.”

The most big mistake people are being lenient. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose the ability to resist it: it is important to see that it is a power struggle and use typical fighting tactics.

2. Set limits and follow them."Clearly d Please understand that you will not tolerate such behavior» , says Wetzler. If a person is constantly late and it bothers you, let him or her know that the next time he or she is late to, say, a movie, you will just go alone. "It's a way of setting a limit," Wetzler explains. “It’s also a way of saying you’re not going to put up with this or back down.”

3. Speak specifically, not generally. If you are going to confront a passive-aggressive person, be clear about the problem. The danger of confrontation is that your statements may sound too general. For example, phrases such as “You always do this!” will get you nowhere. Therefore, it is important to talk to the person about a specific action. For example, if his silence begins to get on your nerves, explain it with a specific example where he remained silent, but for you it looked like a manifestation of hostility. “Call a spade a spade,” advises Wetzler.

4. Practicepositively-affirmative communication.« Eat aggressive communication, There is passive communication, and there is passive-aggressive communication. None of these types of communication are positive» , says Andrea Brandt.

Positive-affirmative communication means that you respond in a positive, non-hostile, respectful tone. “You're confident, collaborative, and there's a sense that you both want to solve the problem in a way that everyone wins,” says Dr. Brandt. It is also important to listen and not make the conversation worse with accusations. “You're not just trying to get your way, but you're taking the other person's point of view. Acknowledging this person and their feelings does not mean you have to agree with them.”

Okay, everyone is passive-aggressive sometimes. But how to stop if you find that you have already started to behave this way?

1. Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness,advises Brandt. By listening to yourself and your feelings, you can identify when your actions are inconsistent with your feelings and thoughts (this is how passive aggression begins), she says.

Making people aware that this behavior is also a form of self-sabotage means giving them a solution to the problem. “The fact that they didn't turn in a project on time or didn't get a promotion doesn't correlate with them engaging in passive-aggressive behavior,” Wetzler says. “They think, ‘Oh, my boss is tyrannical and unfair,’ but they don’t think that this could be related to their job.”

It is also important to understand that anger, which is the root of this behavior, is not an inherently negative emotion. "Anger has many positive qualities: It tells you something is wrong, can help you focus, evaluate your values ​​and goals, and strengthen your relationships and connections,” explains Brandt. So when you feel angry for some reason, don't be afraid to express your emotions and direct them towards those concerned (just use a positive-affirmative form of communication).

Confronting the fear of conflict can minimize passive aggression. According to Dr. Wetzler's observations, more often than not, trying to mitigate this behavior can lead to even greater conflict. “It’s good if the open conflict can be resolved. However, it will inevitably grow because of what was swept under the rug, because there was disagreement between the two sides in the first place, he explains. -You will have to bring your feelings to the surface and clarify the situation. Therefore, positive-affirmative communication, the desire to engage in confrontation and conflict, resolving them in a constructive manner, will require somewhat more effort.”

Ultimately, stopping passive-aggressive behavior requires figuring out what you want and getting rid of everything else. Some people are so aware of what other people think of them and expect of them that they simply go along with it, to their own detriment. “They do not think about what they themselves want, but only about what others want from them.”

So the solution is to listen to your own voice. "Get rid of external voices," Wetzler says. “Then you will understand which direction to move in.”

Understanding the character traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are like
in fact, we must place them in the appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a framework of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing when meeting him.

Personality with character disorders

The role of anxiety in the problems faced by individuals with
character disorders (IDC), insignificant. On the contrary, IHR lack
anxiety and vigilance associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with serious character disorders, the voice of conscience may
be absent altogether. In most IHRs, conscience is significantly underdeveloped.
The IRH's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is weakened.
What may look like from the outside defense mechanism, most likely, is
powerful tactical method which allows you to manipulate others and not give in
requirements of society.
IHR may try to manipulate your perceptions of them, but fundamentally they are who
they are.
The problematic aspects of IRH’s personality are egosyntonic (that is, IRH likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help themselves
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind IHR's behavior are faulty thinking patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of IHR is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one’s merits is not
serves as compensation for a deeper feeling of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and social stigma do not stop IHR.
Although problematic IHR behavior patterns may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and intentional.
A person with character disorders has high level awareness and
understanding of herself, but this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IHR do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between a neurotic and a personality
with character disorders are striking. And above all – people with character disorders
They don't think like most of us. IN last years researchers realized all
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitudes we have formed
to certain things - all this largely determines how we act. IN
in particular, this is why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thinking patterns and
supporting a person’s desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) –
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on distortions in the thinking patterns of individuals with character disorders
began several years ago and focused primarily on mental
attitudes of criminals. After some time, researchers came to the conclusion that
Problematic thinking patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and expanded
and am ready to present them brief description the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with character disorders think about themselves all the time
to yourself. They don't think about what others need or how they influence others
their actions. This type of thinking creates selfish life position And
neglect of obligations to society.
Possessiveness. A thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is
to please you. In addition, people with character disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see others as an object, and not independent individuals,
having feeling self-esteem, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism (“all or nothing”). A person with character disorders is prone to
reject everything at all if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, he feels himself floundering at its base. If anyone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking interferes with the manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromisingness.
Self-obsession. A person with character disorders is so high
values ​​his personality and ascribes to himself the right to everything he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow earn what he wants, but, on the contrary, is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. A person with character disorders experiences a deficiency of healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was found out is by no means the same thing as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
act. Shamelessness fuels arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with character disorders is always
strives to get what he wants as easily as possible. He hates applying
effort or commitment. It gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with character disorders does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is - he simply begins to act and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms nor were they violated. This type
thinking gives rise to irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.

Aggressive personality and its subtypes

Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as actively independent in their interactions with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively ensure that their
needs have been met, and strive not to become dependent on outsiders
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agree that the epithet “aggressive” is the most appropriate to describe
style interpersonal communication each subtype of active-independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive personality, which I consider
the healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive individuals are not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
only a small subtype of individuals with psychological disorders appears
active-independent personality – antisocial personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes it
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any challenges in life
challenges with an unyielding determination to “win”; hot-tempered and intolerant character and
mentality; reducing adaptability, lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those perceived as
weak. This is a “fighter” to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair degree of narcissistic traits - sometimes
even considered as a type of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her overconfidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions are the only thing that matters to her. Anything that interferes with her goals
gets out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a number of studies of type “A” (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
studying some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained during
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
it would be appropriate to highlight five basic types aggressive personality:
unlimited-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and hidden-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique features. Some are more dangerous compared to
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive individuals are significantly
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them or are under their influence
influence.
Unlimited aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behaves in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They get angry easily, are not careful enough,
experience fears that help them adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves at risk and extremely prone to gross violation other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair portion of their lives in prison because they are simply unable to
to comply with the demands of society, even when it is in their own interests.
According to traditional beliefs, these people became like this because they grew up in
an environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and abuse to
learn to get closer to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
In some cases, the hostility of such openly aggressive characters is really
fueled extreme mistrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to wariness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unrestrained aggressiveness is explained not so much by distrust and suspicion,
how much is simply an increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard to the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
the biographies of most of them showed no neglect, no mistreatment, no
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful surroundings.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these individuals need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that the only reliable factor seems to be
common to the whole variety of “criminal personalities” with whom he happened to
encounter - the pleasure they get from illegal, illegal
actions.
Directed aggressive personality generally directs his open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. The rigidity, self-will and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may talk openly about how to bury an opponent or
"break" your opponent. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior from
really antisocial, but we shouldn't be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistic-aggressive personality– another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive individuals, they strive to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how
and their victim, in distress, crawls. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they want
necessary - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive individuals is
win, not cause damage. In their understanding, if someone got hurt simply because
ended up under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys,
making people humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive individuals, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others they receive special pleasure if
at the same time they insult and humiliate their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive individuals. Probably the most outstanding
An expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
the world of psychopaths" is very easy to read and very valuable, although
a chilling introduction to the area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare
phenomenon. However, I have encountered quite a few of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings, for whom ordinary
people are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like the skilled
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerable spots of their prey and are capable of the most
heinous victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Fortunately,
Most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some features are common to different types aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and relieve you of the need to take on and bear responsibility for your
behavior. Their distorted, incorrect thinking patterns in recent years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Since different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, one subtype often also exhibits some
traits of another. Thus, a predominantly antisocial personality may carry within itself
some elements of sadism or hidden aggressiveness, and hidden-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have inflated egos, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
They rely only on themselves to satisfy their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads to
they become confident that they simply don’t need anyone around. They don't need
do something to show their competence and superiority because they and
so completely convinced of this. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect her from encroachment, and actively trample on the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.

Hidden-aggressive personality

It can be expected that a covertly aggressive personality, being a subtype of aggressive,
will also share some traits with narcissists. However, in covertly aggressive
personalities have many unique characteristics that make them separate, distinct
distinguishable type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality they
They differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. Upon mature reflection it is clear that they are much closer to individuals with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neuroticism, they can be deceived about true nature of his character and
own hidden aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen
victim.
The reluctance of covertly aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
bypass it, they become masters of the struggle, which is waged by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities, then extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as for other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and they realized that
secret methods of warfare suit their goals best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always strive to insist on their own or “win.”
Any life situation for them, as for all other aggressive individuals, -
a challenge to be accepted and a battle to be won.
2. Covert-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and strive
subjugate them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control of the situation. They
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give in or give up something and
at the same time, they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covert-aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
for you to suspend your intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.
4. Covertly aggressive individuals can also be unprincipled, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any weakness you have and will strengthen you.
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to catch
take you by surprise and prevent you from preparing. And if they think you've crossed their path or
tried to get the better of them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
Their battle is not over until they win.
5. Hidden-aggressive individuals are distinguished by a profound lack of conscience. Like everyone else
For other aggressive individuals, they lack internal “brakes.” They know that
what is good and what is bad, but they do not allow this knowledge to stand in the way of what they want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive both themselves and others
relative to what they are actually doing.
6. Covert-aggressive individuals abuse interpersonal relationships And
use them for their own purposes. They consider people pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, a battle)
life. Abhorring weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their “opponents”.
As with any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covertly aggressive people.
personalities in to varying degrees. For the most serious violations, the interpersonal style
interactions between covertly aggressive individuals go far beyond simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive individuals with severe disorders
character are capable of hiding a fair amount of ruthlessness and thirst for power under the mask
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Great examples are Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a hidden-aggressive personality can be much

(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the religious organization Peoples Temple. In 1978
year convinced the residents of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
V sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during the FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)

richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the overwhelming majority
In their own way, they are hidden aggressive individuals.

Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive and other types

Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and hidden-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but fear that they lack the ability to do it effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitation as to whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
mainly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and care.
However, since a dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try
taste personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people whose
were looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. Once you accept it, they take their time to follow it. In an argument with you
they may decide they've had enough and want to leave. But in fear of what's behind this
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they stay and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult because it often seems impossible to please.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler quite
describes well the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
sufficiently differentiates between passivity and hidden aggressiveness.
Therapy for passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the therapist's lack of support, but the therapist barely tries to provide
her, they immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such clearly “ambivalent” characters, driven
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covertly aggressive. However, sometimes therapists unfamiliar with more
in precise terms, the concept is mistakenly used to describe manipulators
“passive-aggressive”, thereby trying to more clearly define the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all encountered perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We value these qualities very highly,
when they audit our tax returns or perform brain surgery on us. Yes,
some compulsive people can be pushy, overbearing, overpowering and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. Apparent adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive individuals with hidden aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert-aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much about themselves don't
necessarily try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people show active disrespect for other people's needs and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some authors distinguish between mild and malignant narcissism. However I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people, systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
Narcissistic traits have a distinct aggressiveness. Thus,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and use others are not just narcissists, but
also hidden aggressive individuals.
Most covertly aggressive individuals are not antisocial.
Since they are disdainful of other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek an advantage over other people and resort to
by any methods, except perhaps obvious violations of the law and naked aggression,
There is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulation really comes in
in the arsenal of some antisocial individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not exhibit
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. Was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
calculating, cunning, controlling style interpersonal interaction. To them
tried on every label imaginable, from sociopaths to malignantly narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" individuals. Based on my feelings from people with
subtle aggression in their character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of the manipulative personality. It's important to realize that
manipulation most often involves hidden aggression, so skilled manipulators
- These are hidden aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have others personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain share narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisociality and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends noted, “it doesn’t matter if it’s gray
or brown, whether his ears are long or short, whether he has a lot of fur or little - if he is big, with
with tusks and a trunk, then it’s definitely an elephant.” If the person you are dealing with has
those key traits described above, then it doesn’t matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden aggressive person.
Since predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view a covertly aggressive personality as soft
version of a psychopath. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive individuals. Fortunately, they are at the same time
are rather the exception. The same manipulative personalities described in this
book, are widespread in much to a greater extent and, although they can also to a certain extent
degree to wreak havoc and devastation in the lives of its victims, is still not as dangerous as
psychopaths.

How a hidden-aggressive personality is formed

An aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so riddled with neglect and abuse that they were
they are simply forced to become strong “fighters” in order to survive. But I have also seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
in the most caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed their socialization process quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under strong influence their
excessive belligerence. However, regardless of what had a stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most hidden-aggressive personalities in childhood
years have somehow missed some important lessons about managing one's aggression and
focused too much on others. Judging by the life stories with which I
I had a chance to get acquainted, covertly aggressive individuals usually demonstrate the following
flaws:
1. They do not know how to understand in what cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired - “enemy”. Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are in excessively expressed combat readiness.
2. They never entertained the idea that “victory” in the long-term sense is often
implies a willingness to retreat, step aside, or submit to
short term. They are unable to recognize those moments when they should
give in. Categorical rejection of the very idea of ​​obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to “victory” later.
3. They don't know how to fight fairly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now causes them to not trust their ability to win in
fight in an honest way. Perhaps they were never prepared to be subjected to
risk of defeat. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go towards “victory” (according to
at least short-term) through secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprived themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat may have some constructive benefits. I believe,
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with character disorders) have an underlying
inability to learn from previous experiences the lessons we would like to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities do not change because they do not want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that just the desire to get something can be
not enough to qualify. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to get their way through manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This inflates their already inflated self-esteem even more.
6. They haven't learned to truly respect. weak spots other people and empathize with them.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use emotional “levers” of their victims.

Fertile ground for hidden aggression

Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide covertly aggressive individuals with an excellent opportunity to take advantage of others
people for their own purposes. Policy, law enforcement agencies, religion - here are a few bright ones
examples. I do not mean to suggest that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is certainly a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungers, cannot resist that brilliant opportunity
assert oneself and wield significant power under the guise of execution
debt that these areas open up for them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night "success" sellers, and militant
social activists, whose revealing articles later appeared on the first
newspaper strips, from the point of view of the way of action, were not fundamentally different from those
hidden aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. This
just pronounced extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a hidden-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with broad powers.

How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him

It is easy to become a victim of the cunning tricks of a hidden aggressive person. If you
want to avoid victimization, you must do the following.
1. Get to know the character of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
what they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you can immediately recognize any of them
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covertly aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite techniques of covertly aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control those around them. We need to make a clear
an idea not only of what covertly aggressive individuals are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
“victory”, but study the most common techniques and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Examine the common fears and weaknesses that make you especially vulnerable.
before the tricks of hidden aggressive individuals. Knowing your vulnerabilities perhaps yours
the most powerful tool for effectively resisting a manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change in your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
Using techniques like those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called upon more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter, to the fore
one of the distinctive features hidden aggressive personality. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, which he
enjoyed it.

Unexpressed inner anger, sabotaging deadlines at work, suppressing feelings - passive aggression can manifest itself in different ways. People with a tendency to hold grudges can cause a lot of trouble for others and themselves. Understanding such a person is not always easy, but it is absolutely necessary to improve relationships. It is useful to know its characteristics in order to learn how to interact with such individuals in the least conflicting form.

What is passive aggression

Anyone feels a wide range of emotions - from joy to anger, and this is normal. But some, due to their upbringing or personal beliefs, are accustomed to hiding inner world from others, suppress the expression of feelings. In this case negative emotions- anger, rage - will accumulate and look for another way to express themselves. One of these methods is called “passive aggression” in psychology.

Passive-aggressive is a behavior characterized by the suppression of anger. Such a person will not openly resist what he does not like, but will express emotions through refusal, sabotage of some action in a complex, veiled form.

It is often determined that the passive aggressor was raised in an environment where expressing emotions was considered negative trait, and their suppression is positive. A person continues in life to try not to enter into confrontation about his beliefs, and does not defend the position that he considers correct. He does not acknowledge the feelings and emotions he experiences and will protest silently.

The main signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

• suppression of anger;
• projecting oneself as a victim (of people or circumstances), shifting responsibility to others;
• silence - a person does not admit his feelings openly, even if it hurts him to the core;
• hidden sabotage - for example, he does not refuse to go to the cinema, but simply forgets about it;
• manipulating people through feelings of guilt.

Things don't always work out at work a good relationship with passive aggressors - they will never admit that it is difficult for them to complete a project and need advice from colleagues. They will push on with feelings of pity and guilt until someone gives in and offers a helping hand. For men at work, this often manifests itself as procrastination - constant putting things off until later, forgetfulness, which lead to frequent quarrels with the employer. Passive aggressor rarely admits his mistake, finding anyone else guilty - a colleague, an acquaintance or a stranger, and even the boss himself.

In women, this manner manifests itself as a fear of control. She does not tolerate limitation of her will, subordination to her husband. He does not admit his feelings, but only gives hints that he has a negative attitude towards his decisions. Fearing restrictions, he tries to manipulate his spouse, appealing to feelings of pity. This is especially noticeable in women with a melancholic character type. Similar behavior manifests itself in passive aggression in children - they are prone to disobedience, do not fulfill their promises, justifying it with forgetfulness or minor failures.

How to improve relationships

You need to understand that aggression is just a behavior; it does not require treatment, but only understanding. A person does not feel personal hostility towards anyone from his family or his environment, he is only trying to express his indignation at those issues that bother him and cause him negative emotions. The biggest difficulty in relationships with a passive-aggressive person is that people around them take everything personally and consider such behavior to be a personal insult.

Knowing the characteristics of passive aggression, you can find ways to get rid of disagreements:

1. 1. Do not take on a dominant role in the relationship. The aggressor does not like control, he will resist it, and therefore you should not impose opinions and actions, use the phrases “you must,” “be sure to do it,” “listen to me.” You need to give several options, explain your position on each of them, and offer to choose the most acceptable one.
2. 2. Do not force or impose. The manner of behavior will not allow a person to refuse the imposed opinion, but it will pretty much ruin the life of anyone who does this. If his most significant fears - the fear of control - are justified, there is no hope for mutual understanding and any return in the relationship.
3. 3. Do not give tasks with high responsibility. A person with a tendency to passively express anger tries to deal with unnecessary obligations. In case of a difficult situation where the outcome will depend on him important events, he tends to procrastinate and sabotage, refusing to complete a task.

Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.

For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.

Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.

Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?

Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.

Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!

Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.

Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.

Soon after this, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity of the description clinical manifestations in the fourth edition it was removed from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term remained and continues to be used to describe special type personality behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?

• In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
• In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In constant invasion personal life, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
• Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.

The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).

Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.

Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.

Exploring your tendencies

Every person by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive. This predisposition is similar to a computer characteristic called "default", that is, programmed to automatically select a certain option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let us consider in more detail the manifestations of this phenomenon.

Types of behavior

Both passive and aggressive types of behavior have features. In order to gain self-confidence, you need to understand the differences between them.

Passive type of behavior

A person predisposed to a passive type of behavior tends to suppress his desires and not use freedom of choice. He usually submits to the will of others and does not defend his own interests.

For the most part, passive people try to avoid unpleasant situations, but when faced with aggressive behavior they can become unbalanced. In response to aggression, behavior due to fear of aggravating the situation of a passive person, as a rule, becomes even more passive.

Communicating with such a person can be difficult, because others do not understand what he really wants. For example, to the question “What will you drink, tea or coffee?” he usually answers, “I don’t care.” People prone to passive behavior believe that inertia is the best fit for their desire to avoid solving problems and avoid disputes. Everything that is not a task of paramount importance, seems too insignificant to them and, in their opinion, is not worth the effort.

Aggressive type of behavior

A person predisposed to an aggressive type of behavior is irritable and does not hesitate to enter into conflict if something goes against his plans. Aggressive behavior fuels his energy and assertiveness, but is usually perceived negatively by others. He can get his way, but too much at a high price, or achieve nothing because others, feeling that they are being looked down upon, usually refuse to cooperate with him.

The difficulty of communicating with an aggressive person can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but to achieve a goal. The dissatisfaction of the “aggressor” is too noticeable, because his behavior is characterized by lack of restraint. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.

One of the ways to become more self-confident is to change the behavior patterns inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior will look unnatural in the eyes of others, because it is not typical of your nature. But in any case, it will remain within the limits of the temperament given to you by nature - passive or aggressive.

Behavior adjustment

Predisposition to a particular type of behavior can be adjusted by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. As a result of such correction, assertiveness arises - firm self-confidence with a sense of self-esteem.

To do this, you need very little - to improve your involuntary reactions and inclinations. The newly acquired behavior will operate as follows.

Passivity turning into assertiveness

People who tend to be passive will find that there is no need to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others think, and speak up about their wants and needs without hesitation.

Minor correction passive behavior will allow you to be proactive - solve problems rather than avoid them. Confidence will give you courage, and you will be able to express thoughts that you would never have dared to express before, and even get what you have always dreamed of.

Aggression turning into assertiveness

A person who is more aggressive than passive will have to soften his natural assertiveness. Correcting aggressive behavior will allow you to find that it makes it easier to achieve your goal, because your new behavior has become less annoying to others. At the same time, you should not completely give up active actions. Thus, assertive behavior will pacify your impetuosity without causing displeasure and anger in others.

The general criterion in both cases can be considered the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to own desires. Those who are prone to aggressive behavior should think less about themselves and take into account the demands of others.

Benefits of Assertive Behavior

Strong self-confidence is the key to being able to improve in any way. life sphere and is especially pronounced in difficult situations, in communication with smart and knowledgeable people. Softening (if you are aggressive) or strengthening (if you are passive) behavior will help you without unnecessary problems:

v to motivate people to take action or change their behavior without causing rejection or hostility on their part;

v refuse something without offending others;

v expressing one's own (possibly unpopular) opinion in such a way that it is perceived favorably, even if others hold diametrically opposed views.

It can be added that confidence will help you develop and improve effective communication with other people. You will find that any situation works for you if:

v give compliments and receive them; they will give confidence to both you and those around you;

v encourage people to communicate, then your pleasure from this process will greatly increase;

v express approval of the ideas and actions of others, rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this you will be able to install feedback with an interlocutor;

v admit your shortcomings. This is common to all self-confident people.

Assertiveness creates equality in relationships between people, the necessary flexibility in behavior to overcome difficulties, and leads to success.

Drawing conclusions

To develop assertive behavior, you must first change a few natural reactions for certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance the extremes of character and help you find a middle ground between them. It will “pacify” aggression and “spur up” inertia.

Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieving it. This is the most effective method declare your intentions and take communication to a whole new level.

Ask yourself

Analyze your usual behavior and answer the following questions.

If you are passive by nature:

^Are you trying to avoid a situation that threatens to become unpleasant?

^Would you like to express your opinion with more confidence?

If you are aggressive by nature:

^Do you tend to do everything your own way without taking into account the interests of others?

^ Do you want to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?

For both types of behavior:

^ Do you want to learn how to refuse people's requests without feeling the need to make excuses?

^ Do you strive to ensure that your relationships with people give greater returns?

If you answered yes to some questions, you need to deliberately work on your character.

Everything will work out if...

Understand that in order to become a confident person, you do not have to go against your nature;

Make a firm decision and adjust your natural behavior;

Realize that strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find correct solution in a difficult situation;

Realize that as you become more confident, you will enjoy life more;

To wish to develop in yourself such skills and such an outlook on things that are necessary for a self-confident person.