The meaning of the word vain person. Vanity, pride and humiliation

– The psychology of vanity – what is it? How is it formed?

– It is important to note that with such a formulation of the problem (“the psychology of vanity”), there is a mixture of two discourses – psychological and religious. Vanity is a term from a spiritual context, understood as passion or sin, we undertake to discuss it in the psychological field. And if we talk about the psychological content of vanity, then first you need to define this concept.

For example, we read on Wikipedia: “Vanity is the desire to look great in the eyes of others, the need to confirm one’s superiority, sometimes accompanied by a desire to hear flattery from other people.” It is the need for vain glory, glory from the people. And this need - for praise, admiration, attention to oneself - is indeed largely a psychological phenomenon that can be discussed, including as a phenomenon not only of a spiritual nature.

And this need can have several reasons. There is such a thing as character accentuation. There are several types of accentuations, one of them is hysterical, and for people who have this accentuation, an insatiable need for attention to themselves is the main character trait.

It happens that this type of character manifests itself from early childhood. In this sense, we can conditionally speak of innateness. For example, a child cannot stand when another is praised next to him, or he quickly gets tired of doing something, gets tired of new toys, it is important for him to always be in the spotlight. Growing up, such children often show good artistic abilities, at school, in circles they participate in theatrical performances, publicly read poetry, sing, perform.

This does not mean that all those who love the scene have a hysterical type of character, but hysteroids have a great need for this. That is, in some cases it is simply innate, there are even studies that say that in adolescence, 2-3% of adolescents have such an accentuation, more often among female adolescents.

Another reason lies in childhood trauma. Every child has an inborn, strongly expressed need for attention, a need for love, a desire to be appreciated for who he is, of course, no matter what he does. This is a normal, human reality. And if a child does not receive this unconditional love, he does not have this basic feeling that I am important, loved and needed the way I am, then later a need may form to confirm oneself, to “get” this love in such a slightly crooked way - through desire praise and glory. I am praised - I am good, valuable, needed; they don’t praise me - it’s as if I don’t exist, because no one notices me.

This is one of the typical consequences of childhood psychological trauma when a person has not formed a basic, value attitude towards himself. Trauma is not necessarily an accident, war, fire, etc., for a child there is a lack of love and unconditional acceptance is also a disaster, especially if it lasts for many years, day after day.

A child's attitude towards himself is formed through the way his relatives treat him, only then it goes into the internal plan, it is internalized - the external goes into the internal. First, a person is guided by how his parents treat him, then peers, at primary school age the figure of a teacher becomes very important, and how others treat me, then it goes into the inner plan, I know what I am, how I feel about yourself.

If I have not formed a basic attitude towards myself, an understanding that I am good in myself, no matter what I do, then there is a need to constantly confirm from the outside that I am good.

As a rule, many of us grow up in a situation of conditional love: when you did well - well done, the emotional message "I love you"; did badly - a different reaction: coldness, rejection, anger. There is no distinction between a person and an act, there is no attitude towards a child that you are loved in any case, and what you do can be good or bad. And then the basic value attitude towards oneself is not formed.

Here it is difficult to talk about some kind of pathology, including spiritual, because such a person can only be pitied. Almost every client who finds himself in a psychologist's office brings this phenomenon of dislike.

- What can you advise parents to distinguish between the act and the personality of the child?

- In our country, unfortunately, many Soviet parents read harmful pedagogical literature, which says, for example, that you can’t carry children in your arms, pay a lot of attention, that this is supposedly pampering - such harmful pedagogy. There is one classic answer here, the classic formula given by Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychotherapy: "I love you, but what you're doing upsets me." In the Holy Fathers, I came across the following formulation: love a person, do not condemn a person, but condemn sin.

It is very important to distinguish between a person and an act, a person and manifestations. I need to keep this in my mind all the time, to understand that if I now turn away from the child, then this can have serious consequences. For a child, emotional rejection is equal to a serious catastrophe, he still cannot, as an adult, understand that there may be reasons from a series - mom's problems, some bad day, or something else. He takes everything very literally - the world has turned its back on me, I'm bad.

The basic emotional message to the child is important: you are valuable to me, important, desirable. There should be such a message: you are good, I love you, you are needed and important, and actions can be treated differently. If this is the case, then an atmosphere of safety is created, which is very important for the development of the child.

Do not expose the hysteroid

- If we have a sad situation, when an adult unloved person has already formed, then what psychological and behavioral deviations can develop from vanity?

- If we talk about accentuation, in particular about hysterical accentuation, then it is natural for a person to repress unpleasant facts and events. It is impossible for consciousness to accept that something is wrong with me, to recognize some minus in myself - it is like a catastrophe. This is a feature of accentuation when there is such an insatiable hunger for incessant, constant attention to oneself. There is an unstable attitude towards oneself, but there are no resources to accept oneself holistically, including with one’s not the best sides.

And the psyche works with protection, repression - a person is simply not in the know, he simply sincerely does not see any of his shortcomings. Not because he is lying, not because he deliberately uses an ostrich policy by closing his eyes, but because repression is triggered, and this is an unconscious mechanism.

It is difficult to communicate with such people, because any indication of some kind of defect causes rejection, conflict, irritation - a person cannot accept criticism. It comes to mind from the Proverbs of Solomon (9:8): "Do not rebuke the evil ones, lest they hate you: rebuke the wise, and he will love you." It is the same here: do not expose the hysteroid, because he will hate you. If the hysterical accentuation is strongly pronounced, there are problems with a critical attitude towards oneself, then such a person practically cannot conduct a genuine dialogue.

It happens that a person begins to lie, fantasize, pretend, and this is not a lie in the full sense of the word. In hysteroids, this happens almost unconsciously, every time a person sincerely believes that he is telling the truth, again, because he has many mechanisms of unconscious defenses that do not allow him not to play.

A person needs to play for the audience all the time, the need for attention is dominant, it determines everything, it captures a person, and all other needs go by the wayside or in the background. To satisfy this need for attention, man goes on different means, sometimes not consciously, just to be the center of attention.

Often it is also completely unbearable for a person when attention is not given to him. In adolescents, this manifests itself especially clearly - it is better for me to have at least some attention, even if it is bad, than they will not notice me. This explains sometimes deviant behavior in adolescence, at least - this is one of the reasons. If children are hooligans, it is worth considering whether they have enough attention.

Often in families it is like this: when everything is fine, the parents are calm, and practically do not pay attention to the child. Five - well done, cleaned the room - good, but as soon as something bad happens, streams of attention simply pour out. This is attention with a minus sign - the child is scolded, brought up, rushed with him, go to doctors and teachers - but this attention is a sea. And here the conclusion is clear: of course, it is better to pay attention to the good, and not wait until the child yells through some hooligan actions: look at me, give me at least some attention.

A hysterical person can resort to adventurism, to some exquisite forms of attracting attention. Such an upstart. This can even be taken for some kind of creativity, originality, but usually there is nothing deep behind this - hysteroids have problems with deep feelings. A lot of superficial emotions, a lot of expression, a lot of pronounced manifestations, but with close contact with them it is rather boring. There is no depth, no own serious position. At first glance, such people can be very attractive, interesting, but when you start to communicate with them closer, everything disappears.

- What can this lead to, what are the consequences of such behavior?

- Such a person by and large turns out to be very lonely. It is difficult for him to establish close, intimate, spiritual relationships, because in order to enter into intimacy, you need to open up. Intimacy requires openness, the ability to show not only one’s the good side but also bad ones. A true friend knows your bad side. The confessor, with whom there is serious intimacy, also knows your different sides.

And here access to a real person is extremely difficult, either this is done consciously or unconsciously. Much is being squeezed out, there is no particular depth.

A serious problem when attention to oneself determines all spheres of life. A person is satisfied only as long as there is attention, but it cannot be 24 hours a day, and as soon as this attention is not there, the end of the world comes. This is the main dominant human need, which cannot be fully saturated. This doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

I want to emphasize that we are now focusing on the difficulties of people with a certain type of character, this does not mean at all that these are some kind of flawed or doomed people with a diagnosis of “vanity”, because they were born with such an accentuation. Each type of character has its strengths and weaknesses, but now we are discussing the type that has a weak side - the need for attention - because this is the subject of our conversation today. Many hysteriods, for example, are very talented. A question of emphasis.

Usually in a person, in the presence of other types of character accentuation, when hysterical traits not so sharply pointed, there are other areas of life that are also important. That is, life does not revolve around the need for attention and fame, even if there is a serious lack of self-acceptance and the need to confirm one's worth from the outside. He has this problem, like every person, there are some weak points, but it is one of them, that is, there is no capture by the need for attention.

I'm not like this publican

A classic example is the Pharisee, and in general Pharisaism as a model of vanity. Everything is done for show, it is not clear what is inside. As Christ says: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, that you are like painted tombs, which look beautiful on the outside, but inside are full of the bones of the dead and all uncleanness” (Matt. 23:27). It is not clear what is inside, but everything is fine on the outside - a classic example.

And another important feature of Pharisaism, according to the parable of the publican and the Pharisee - I not only thank God that I am so good, I pay tithes and so on, but I also not like that, How this publican. That is, I humiliate him, put myself higher. In order to assert myself, I need, as a teenager, to lower everyone around, and then I will feel that I am a hero. Humiliating another person in order to feel like a star. Not only that, it happens in the presence of God.

Is it done involuntarily or consciously?

– A person may be completely unaware that he humiliates others, may not see it at all, and then it is difficult to talk about arbitrary sin. Another thing is when a person of sound mind and sober memory, with and denim itself, nevertheless it goes. Probably, this happens when a person feeds his passion, indulges it, as the Holy Fathers say. “I know that I have this feature, but I don’t care, I’ll go and assert myself at the expense of others, humiliate the other, and I’ll be fine.” And here, be that as it may – injuries are not injuries, accentuation is not accentuation – there is a moment of arbitrariness, and one can talk about sin, because it is in the hands of a person.

- If a person was humiliated in childhood, then this will then give rise to a response, perhaps an unconscious one, in the future?

Here we return to the theme of dislike. The reaction can be different, someone in the form of revenge, yes. The fact is that we largely adopt the relationship models in which we grew up. A person develops a certain pattern, a stereotype of interaction. For example, a person grew up in a family in which he was humiliated all the time, and he knows what it is. It's the same with the children of alcoholics, who then either don't drink at all, or go into the same relationship, for example, choose a drinking husband, because they know how it is, they're used to it.

You may not like it, but the person does not really know how it could be otherwise, so he unconsciously plays the same scenario.

Many psychological phenomena are built on this mechanism when the same relationship scenario is repeated. For example, very often girls come to psychotherapy and complain: I have one, another, third young man, and all the time the same thing, relationships develop according to one scenario. And just a person grew up in a certain model of relationships, and then this model loses.

A response after humiliation in childhood can also be built on this mechanism: I was offended, I got used to living in the model of a victim-persecutor, or a tyrant-victim, and then I continue to live in this model. And it doesn't matter here - I will remain a victim, and they will tyrannize me, or there will be a shifter - I will tyrannize, and others next to me will be victims. The problem is that it is difficult to enter into a new relationship model.

Reciprocal humiliation is not always a special revenge, often it is just a familiar way of relationship. And this is also not always realized, a person notices that something is wrong, already only by the fruits, when there are many repeating plots, for example, the same love relationship. Again the same plot, again the same scenario: at first he liked me, then we met for two months, then he suddenly disappeared without explanation. One has disappeared, the other has disappeared, why are they disappearing? What's the matter?

Or some terrible stories when there was love, relationships, and then bullying by a man over a woman begins - cruelty, beating, manipulation, use. A woman thinks that the other will be better, and the other is the same. A typical codependency story.

People see almost some kind of magic in this: I attract such people. Or: God sends me such. But God has nothing to do with it. This is just a psychological reality, not a spiritual one. A person really attracts such relationships, because for him this is a familiar way of being.

If we talk about the psychology of trauma, then trauma tends to repeat itself. If in childhood there was a trauma, in particular domestic violence, not necessarily one-time, dad is a tyrant, for example, then later a person wants to get rid of the trauma, this is how the body is biologically arranged. But in order to get rid of, a person needs to live this trauma again. The problem is that a person replays the same traumatic scenario, and deliverance does not happen.

This happens, for example, with accidents - a person has an accident, and then gets into them regularly, because unconsciously he loses it again and again. Or a person comes after the war, and all the time gets into some sort of showdown, like a military one, because he already knows how to go to war, and he needs to repeat this story in order to free himself from those traumatic experiences.

We have gone very far from vanity, but this moment of repetition mechanisms is important for our topic.

Actually I'm cool

- And if a person is too helpful, attentive, overly eager to please, is this normal, or is it also suspicious behavior?

- It happens that this flip side codependency phenomenon. A person is so afraid of meeting some kind of criticism that he deliberately behaves extremely courteously. Most often, this is a post-traumatic reality - a lack of basic good relationship. Thus, a person gets this attitude towards himself, does whatever he wants, only so that there are no conflicts, only so that there is no strict look, a raised eyebrow, some kind of emotionally unwarm attitude.

It's suspicious, because it's hard to talk about free here, mature personality which can manifest itself. A person always takes a serving position: only so that you feel good, only so that you do not get angry with me, only so that you treat me well. This is a dependence on how others treat me, and behind this there is a lack of one's own stable position, a stable self-attitude. My attitude towards myself is equal to how others treat me. Imagine how hard it is, a person does not know what he is - good, bad, he can only focus on others. Normally, a stable self-attitude, independent of the opinions of others, is gradually formed in adolescence.

It is a matter of identity that an adult should have. If it's neither shaky nor shaky or none at all, then my identity is equal to how others look at me. I do not have my own support, my own ground under my feet, my own understanding: who I am, what I am, there is no clear identity, I understand what I am, only by the look of others. It is not particularly interesting to communicate with such people, and most importantly, it is very difficult for them themselves.

- And what is inadequate and unstable self-esteem, how does it manifest itself in contrast to healthy self-esteem?

- There is such a myth that self-esteem is either high or low, and in the middle is normal. In fact, this scale is not like that: on the same side, both high and low self-esteem and the other is normal. Simply put, there is a sick self-esteem, but there is a healthy one, and the one that is sick, it is either high or low.

When a person says about himself: “I’m the worst, I’m nothing of myself,” then there is an opposite opinion behind this: “Actually, I think of myself that I am very cool, but there is a fear that this will not be confirmed , and you need to defiantly say all the time how terrible I am in order to support me. Behind this is again a sick, unstable identity and self-attitude.

And the same with high self-esteem: if a person walks around and shouts to everyone that he is a star, then he lacks a sense of his stardom, normality, goodness, you need to confirm this all the time.

When there is personal maturity, which includes self-acceptance, knowledge of the present self, then there is a healthy, normal self-esteem. With high or low self-esteem, it is usually bad with true knowledge of oneself, a person is constantly chatting - whether I am terrible, or I am wonderful.

In the case of healthy self-esteem, a person does not have the problem of being concerned about it, this is not a dominant topic for him - he does not care, it does not hurt. A person knows his strengths and weaknesses, accepts himself differently, calmly, evenly treats himself.

– Can I somehow move on to a healthy self-esteem, learn this?

– I will never say that someone is hopeless or that development is impossible, it would be untrue. Who can put an end to a person? As in the spiritual life, any person before death can be converted, so it is in the psychological reality. Of course, there are people who change harder, and someone has more resources and potential for this.

Another thing is that this is such a basic, very serious problem- acceptance of oneself, attitude towards oneself. This is very actual problem- Loss of self-worth. I have been thinking about this for more than one year and can only accurately express my assumptions, hatched from the experience of psychotherapeutic practice, as well as personal experience.

The basic cause of painful self-esteem, a non-valuable attitude towards oneself, as we said, is a lack of love. What to do? You need the experience of love. And here, no matter how much you say, no matter how many books you read, as a rule, this is not taken with your head. Very often people come to psychotherapy: “I understand everything intellectually, but I can’t do anything.” As the apostle Paul says, “The good that I want I do not, but the evil that I do not want I do.” Perhaps this is generally a universal such a given, unfortunately.

When moving towards self-acceptance, you need an experience meeting with love, so it seems to me. There was no such experience of meeting love at the level of feelings, at the level of the whole heart being, so you need to find it, live it. Here, of course, you can criticize me: “Well, now, until they love me, I won’t get better?” Indeed, we often meet with such an infantile position: no one loves me, that's why I'm so unhappy. But I think the main candidate for getting out is to seek an encounter with the love of God.

If a person is not religious, it can be a little more difficult, you need to build a construct of self-acceptance, self-love, as psychologists say - to raise your own parent who will adopt you. The line of psychotherapeutic work, when an inner parent is built who will love and accept your inner child. This path is also possible, and not necessarily only within the framework of psychotherapy.

But, of course, as a believer, the movement towards a meeting with the love of God is closer to me. And here it is also important to accept myself, because if I hate myself, it is very difficult for me to see how God loves me. And of course, it is important to understand that there is an action of grace when God Himself intervenes in a person's life. This is a separate, global topic.

Priests often advise: "Go and love your neighbor." I think it means that if I go and learn to manifest to another person unconditional love, which, perhaps, I do not have in relation to myself, then later this experience can be transferred to myself.

But as the years go by, I more and more come to the idea that there is a kind of trinity: the way I treat myself, the same way I treat people, and in a sense, I treat God the same way. Maybe, indeed, you can pull this ball from any thread. For example, with the attitude towards other people - gradually this can change my attitude towards myself. But since I work more with people individually, it’s closer to me to start pulling this thread from a person’s attitude towards himself.

Where there are many accusations, there is self-justification

– Or maybe it happens that when you start showing love to others, you will eventually receive from them the love that you lacked?

- Here, indeed, there can be two mechanisms: the first, when I go and realize this attitude towards another, and then I can relate to myself in a similar way. And we sometimes use this in psychotherapy, we try to explain: now, if another person did the same as you, would you also scold him the way you scold yourself? Sometimes it works, a person understands: yes, if it's different, I look at the situation differently. Why am I cruel to myself?

And the second mechanism that you are talking about, there is a chance that by showing love to another, you will meet the same attitude towards yourself, and it can be healing.

I think the healing factor is a living, real relationship of love - with God, with other people.

- If we return to vanity, are vanity and megalomania different things?

- Vanity is still a need for external glory, a person constantly needs an audience, cameras, eyes that look at him. And megalomania is when I myself am self-sufficiently beautiful, I don’t need an audience, it doesn’t matter to me how much others confirm me. Megalomania is the upper pole of that very sick self-esteem towards its overestimation, the edge when we can already move into the field of psychiatry.

Vanity needs an audience, somehow, but it needs people. And where there is megalomania, people are no longer needed and not important at all. And here one could rather talk about pride.

What is the difference between vanity and self-esteem?

- Self-esteem, when I just basically treat myself well, respect myself. And this is very important, because often in the church environment there is a myth that respecting oneself, treating oneself well is a sin, on the contrary, one must humiliate oneself in every possible way. But in such a respectful, accepting attitude towards oneself, in self-esteem, unlike vanity, there is no exaltation over others, and there is no need for external confirmation.

This is something very healthy, the same healthy self-esteem, which is neither high nor low. Such a value attitude.

In the case of the need for constant praise, a person has a lack of value attitude towards himself, he needs others. Moreover, others for him become a means to satisfy his goal.

- Shame to confess your sins and self-justification - manifestations of vanity?

– I would be very careful about such a reduction to one denominator. To say that it is hardly possible to be ashamed to confess sins and self-justification is vanity. There may be some other passions, the same pride, for example, or there may be childhood traumas.

If a child was severely scolded for any negative manifestation, then it is clear that he will be terribly ashamed to go to confession. If he was shamed, brought up with shame: “Shame on you, how could you do this!” - and rejected him at that moment, it is understandable that the child will develop a terrible fear of revealing himself and a very strong basic sense of shame. He will be ashamed of everything in general, any self-presentation. Therefore, it is not at all necessary that this is a manifestation of vanity.

Behind self-justification, too, lies the rejection of oneself. After all, if there is self-justification, then there is self-accusation. This is always a dialogical reality: if I need to justify myself all the time, then I have internal authorities that accuse me all the time. This is such a dialogue, a metaphor of the court - there is an accuser, and there is a defender. Most likely, such a person has a basic sense of guilt, the ability to blame himself all the time, and, as it were, conventionally, two voices that argue among themselves: one accuses, the other justifies.

Behind this, the true, personal truth, the truth about oneself, is lost. Everything is either very bad or very good. Either you are to blame for everything, or you are not to blame for anything. Both of these are not true.

- The advice to never make excuses, in this sense, what can it lead to?

“I don't know if it can always be done arbitrarily. You can't make excuses out loud. But if a person has a lot of this self-accusation, this voice sounds quite loud in his soul, then where there are a lot of accusations, there will be justification. And then it is impossible to mechanically stop making excuses. There is a deeper reality here, when you need to work not with one justification, but with this pair - accusation and justification. You need to try to meet the truth in yourself, learn, again, to accept yourself.

Striving for Success

– Healthy motivation for success and pathological motivation for success – how do they differ in life? Is striving for success generally the right attitude in life, success as a goal?

- Probably, the question is in accents, in priorities. Any human activity is polymotivated - I do some work, and I can have a lot of motives. For example, there may be such a motive: I feel so guilty all the time, especially if I do nothing, that I need to do anything, just not to feel guilty. This motive for avoiding basic guilt is very powerful and can drive many activities. I will do anything as long as I don't feel guilty.

Another motive is the desire to succeed. If we talk about vanity, a person does something out of a powerful need for fame, for confirmation, for feeding his painful self-esteem. A person needs to experience a situation of success all the time, only in this way can he consider himself to be of value. If there is no situation of success, I am nothing. Here again we run into identity and a value attitude towards oneself. Who am I?

We pray: "Our Father", and if He is the Father, then who am I? If I know that I am a child of God, then all these questions - success or not success - cease to be so significant. But you just need to know not with your mind, but with your whole being, gut, skin, if you want. We sort of know all this in our heads.

The problem when the desire for success is the main driving motive. Then it is very difficult to talk about any career guidance. I remember one client who came with a request for career guidance. She was already about thirty, she worked with anyone, and now she also did not know what she would like to do. And so, we dug, dug, I tried to understand what she liked, what areas of activity made her happy, in the end it turned out that there were two things that determined her interests. The first is a significant other. As a rule, this is the figure of a teacher, that is, she, for example, was engaged in singing, but the singing teacher was important to her, she went for him. And the second - she liked publicity, she liked performing.

And then we went with her on the topic of the need for stardom. What has the person been doing all his life? Fulfilled the need for success. All types of her activities - it doesn't matter, dancing, singing, music, even some kind of managerial work - were determined by this dominant need for success. To the detriment of the search for meaning, the content of this case that you like.

- Maybe just a person goes where he is good at it?

- This is a slightly different version of events, this can also be: I will do anything, if only to avoid failure, if only I could do it well. Such a strong fear of failure that if I do badly, I am nothing.

And here is the question of polymotivation: I do it because I myself like the content and plus I’m good at it, or I do it only because I can do it not whether I like it or not.

The problem begins where the desire for success is the central, dominant motive that overrides the rest. The matter itself is no longer so important, all semantic things fade into the background, there is only the task of confirmation. There is no true self, true self-determination, self-realization.

- And how to interact with vain people if you have to interact with them? For example, if a vain person became a boss, what to expect from him and how to behave with him?

- This is such a personal choice, because, as a rule, you understand who is in front of you, what drives them. A person says to himself: I will enter into such a relationship with him in which it will be very convenient and easy for me to interact with him, I will be able to achieve a variety of goals, but at the cost of feeding his neurosis. I understand that it is weakness that this is his need, his praise - he will do everything. I go for it, praise him in every possible way, feed this conceited part of him. As a result we have great relationship and everything is great. And here the manipulation is not from the side of a conceited person, but from the one who is nearby.

If a vain person is a subordinate, it is easy to control him: a person must be praised, and he will do everything. This is a hook with which it is very convenient to manage people.

In the same way, it is convenient to manage people who are very guilty - they will do anything, just so as not to feel guilty. And this is the road to addiction. If you find an approach, and it is not difficult to find it, then a person will do a lot of things. Pay a lot of attention, hang on the honor roll, compare, say, you are ours the best employee years, and he will plow. Very comfortably. But I repeat, this is a personal, value choice, a person decides for himself: I will flatter, dissemble for the sake of my goals, or I go for a direct and honest relationship, even with the threat of conflict.

Is conflict necessarily implied?

- I think not, but if this is a person with a pointed accentuation, and you ignore him all the time, he will simply leave, you will be an empty place for him. Here you need balance and understanding of the weakness of another person. It's cool, of course, to cut the truth in the face, be super honest and hit where it hurts. But it's not kind.

“Carry each other’s burdens” - if you are stronger, if you see the weakness of another person, you understand that this is his addiction, his weak point, then you need to treat him carefully, without lying, because for sure the person has something to praise. In general, complimenting each other and praising each other for something really good is great and normal. There is no pathology or threat here. Here you need to strike a balance with your own honesty, which does not imply the need to chop off your shoulder and swear for any reason or, on the contrary, feed addiction.

And it's not just about vanity. Each of us has many weaknesses and infirmities. If you know that a person is irritable, and you live in the same apartment with him, you can, of course, honestly tell him: “Listen, the passion of anger seized you, you probably didn’t repent enough,” or: “How tired I am, you always wind up with a half turn! It will be true, but it will not be merciful.

Consider the weakness of another, and do not lead a person into temptation. You know what annoys him when the light in the bathroom is not turned off, well, turn off the light! Don't step on a sore spot. If you know that this person is terribly vain, consider this feature.

What will people say

- The thought “what will they say” - there is no person who is not afraid of ridicule, public condemnation, but where are the boundaries of normal and pathological fear?

- Probably, to one degree or another, everyone has this anxiety, someone has panic horror, someone has a slight anxiety.

I would answer the question in terms of clinical psychology. There are criteria for distinguishing between accentuation and personality disorders. There are three criteria: impact on all spheres of life, stability over time and social maladjustment.

Impact on all areas of life. If we talk about the topic of fear - “what they say”, then conditionally the norm is where a person in some situation is more afraid, in some less. That is, for example, when a loved one speaks, he is not afraid at all, and when the boss, his knees tremble. But there is no totality, it does not manifest itself in all spheres of life, under any circumstances. Normally, it really depends on the situation and circumstances. And a person with a personality disorder reacts to any psychogenic influences in accordance with the characteristics of his disorder. For example, any dissatisfied facial expression of a neighbor can be read as a mockery and very frightened.

The second criterion is stability over time. AT different periods life accentuation in a person can manifest itself with varying degrees of intensity. For example, a teenager overreacts to how they are treated, and this is normal. Or, when we get enough sleep, feel good, are stable, then we react more calmly to criticism. And in a state of some kind of exhaustion, a critical period in life, we become more vulnerable, vulnerable, more difficult to accept criticism. Pathology begins when it continues in time forever.

And the third criterion, especially important in our context, is what is called social maladaptation. Accentuations may or may not lead to social maladaptation, and personality disorders lead to it all the time. For example, I need to give a lecture in an unfamiliar audience, I'm afraid, I'm worried, but still I go and read, I don't faint in the middle of the lecture. And with social maladjustment, this fear of “what they will say” owns me, a person changes his behavior. For example, he simply does not go to a lecture.

- Gets sick.

- Yes, maybe a psychosomatic disorder, an escape into illness - just a little, I immediately fell ill. Because the situation is unbearable every time, it is impossible to cope. And I really fell ill, when we talk about psychosomatics, these are not always invented diseases. The flight into illness signifies the actual physical illness. Often mild - for example, pressure, subfebrile temperature.

- One gets the impression that it is generally difficult for a person to cope with all this, what should I do, go to a psychotherapist?

- I would not want to become a preacher of psychotherapy as the only salvation from all troubles. The experience of meeting with love is the main candidate for the answer. If a person has a good, healthy spiritual life, in which there is a real, living relationship with God, then many things can change. And there will work psychological mechanisms, and spiritual. Psychological in the sense that for a relationship with God, you need a very powerful honesty both with yourself and with God: in a relationship with Him, you meet yourself with the utmost honesty. And it's very psychological. important way healing.

If I meet the real me, I will know who the real me is. If I do this in the face of God, then I do not fall into the extremes of low or high self-esteem. I am not horrified by what a terrible dark spot I have on my conscience, because it is done before the gaze of His love. And I do not fall into delusions of grandeur, because before Him I am small.

And this is a truly spiritual life - not just the fulfillment of traditions or external rules, and the relationship of meeting with love.

– Here a person read our interview, realized that there is a problem - is this the first step?

- Yes, sure. If I don't see a problem, then I can't do anything. I can’t bring this problem to God, I can’t work on myself, discuss it with friends, look for ways out - I can’t do anything, because I don’t see it. This is the theme of repression or defenses, when a person, for one reason or another, does not see the problem. As the saying goes, the right question is half the answer.

Awareness of my motives, of what really drives me, what is really important to me, what I feel now - all this is a movement towards greater awareness. If I meet the truth about myself, then I can bring it to God. In the meantime, I don’t see anything, what can I bring Him? You can, of course, pray: heal the wounds, which I myself do not realize. But this is such a subtle spiritual reality, and what will happen is not for me to judge. If you think in a psychological plane, then when I see and realize myself, then I ask, I pray in a different way.

Sometimes you need to meet the bottom so that you can push off from it. Until the alcoholic is at the bottom, he has no motivation to stop drinking. Until I realized that I feel very bad, I can’t live like this anymore, and if we are talking about vanity, I can’t chase fame anymore, losing myself, until I met this pain, I won’t pray to God, I won’t want to change.

And when everything is clean and tidy in general: well, yes, vanity is a sin, I need to repent, Lord, help me get rid of vanity - it’s not clear, do I really want to get rid of it? When my tooth hurts sharply, I can no longer think about anything, and my vanity does not hurt, I am fine with it, even very pleased.

I know from my own experience that you often say some words according to the prayer book, they are all correct, but they are not “calling from the depths”, they are outwardly pronounced. And in order for this to become a genuine inner impulse, including prayer, I need a meeting with this pain, when I can no longer live like this. Save me, save the drowning man! A cry that cannot be heard.

Vanity is another flaw, a vice that spoils life for many people. A very insidious flaw, most often, a person who is sick with vanity does not realize this and until the last can not understand why his life is crumbling, and that this most unfortunate vanity is the cause of all the troubles.

Very often, it is people who are creative, gifted with many talents, public and loved by people who suffer from vanity. Our task in this article is to consider what Vanity is, its precise definition and the reasons for the emergence, and how it differs from the well-deserved Glory, as well as what vanity should be replaced with (what dignity and quality).

What is Vanity - the meaning of the word and the esoteric meaning

- vain, that is, empty glory. A person suffering from vanity - longs for undeserved fame, he needs the recognition of others here and now, their attention, energy, love, he wants to be praised and glorified, admired, and in a perverted version - idolized. In fact, vanity is one of the manifestations of Pride, the mortal sin of many religions, vanity itself, if it is not eliminated, nurtures pride to the scale of the Himalayas.

vain man- boasts, revels in himself, he is dependent on the opinions of other people, he loves to be flattered, and he will do everything to form a good opinion of himself, even if he needs to deceive for this, etc. vain people attract flatterers and egoists who are looking for benefits (how to use others), etc.

A vain person is defined elementarily: 1. He accepts flattery and encourages it (does not stop flatterers) 2. He reacts aggressively to criticism, he cannot perceive it at all, even if every word is the Truth, and the person who criticizes does it very correctly, while desiring the good 3. He talks a lot, hangs out, spins everything around his person, but does little and often his deeds and results diverge from his words and promises.

What is replaced by Vanity?

- is replaced by striving to achieve the Goals, to actively move towards them. In other words - “Stop talking and reveling in yourself, better direct your energy, strength and time to achieve the Goal!”.

A worthy person does not judge himself and does not reward himself for his achievements, does not hang a medal on his chest, and does not demand the glorification of “His Great Deeds” from other people, this is what patients with Vanity do.

A worthy and honorable person- accepts that God judges, authority, people's opinion is also taken into account, but as an expert opinion (the most adequate) - only the opinion of Teachers, Mentors, Authorities in this area is accepted. Such a person does not need empty glory, he is truthful enough in front of himself, so as not to be satisfied with the sweet deceit and poisonous molasses of flatterers. Worthy - he drives flatterers in the neck as soon as he feels insincerity, because he needs only the Truth. He easily and gratefully accepts constructive criticism, wants to know about his shortcomings and even asks to be criticized (of course, he turns to experts and authorities for this).

Accordingly, joy and satisfaction worthy person receives from another (conceited - from vain fame) - from the process of achieving goals, from solving problems on the way to them, from the result and victories, from the fact that his work benefits society and people, and many are grateful to him for this. His motives are as worthy as he and his goals.

How to protect yourself from Vanity and deal with it?

1. Remember and keep before your eyes - the consequences of Vanity. Prolonged vanity and pride always lead to falls and disappointments, because a person loses touch with reality, relaxes, ceases to perceive his weaknesses, adequate people they leave him (he is carried - they are unpleasant), only lies grow around him, he loses his adequacy and no longer accepts right decisions. In addition, vanity is followed by laziness, idleness, irresponsibility, and then failures and disappointments.

2. Remember, vanity most often comes with some kind of success, so you need to keep your head in your hands so that success does not turn it around. The best prevention against pride and vanity is regular constructive criticism. from those whose opinion you respect (authorities and teachers). Criticism is the best inoculation against pride and vanity. In other words, you should always know what you need to work on and improve, your weaknesses and shortcomings.

3. As already said, vanity and empty air shaking - replace with active concrete deeds and that lead you to your goals. “Enough of tryndet and regale on laurels - get down to business.” Direct all your attention and energy to the cause and the achievement of the result, and vanity will recede.

4. Consciously define your motives and may they be as worthy and noble as possible. To do this, in writing (in your workbook), answer to next questions: 1. Do you need empty glory and lies from flatterers?(if not, justify at least 10 points) 2. Also describe in 10 paragraphs why you want to receive everything honestly, i.e. Tinned, Fair ( clear conscience. self-respect, respect from the Worthy, etc.) 3. For the sake of what you are doing the Deed, create, etc.- at least 10 worthy answers (which will bring you true satisfaction).

5. Decide for yourself what Glory you need(if you have a desire for it). Describe your future glory: 1. What should she be- well-deserved, etc., from whom you want to receive this recognition (so that they are really worthy authoritative people) 2. For what achievements do you want to gain Glory so that these are really Works and Fruits corresponding to the glory to which you aspire.

Good luck to you and mindfulness on the way to success!

As the explanatory dictionary says, vanity is the need for evidence of one's own superiority over other people. On the one hand, this is a sign of morbid pride. On the other hand, the desire to be better than others is excellent, and sometimes the only one for self-development. Perhaps, with this tool of evolution, nature slightly overdid it. Competitive spirit and self-affirmation as a motivation work great if they do not reach outright humiliation and tyranny.

Trying to be better than others by playing by the rules and developing personal skills is a healthy motivation. Perhaps the whole point is that nature encourages human development, rewarding those who are successful in this business with a sense of satisfaction. And a man - a cunning creature - has learned to deceive himself and experience satisfaction from pseudo-development. This is self-deception, in which, in order to “keep up the mark”, one does not need to grow oneself, it is enough just to humiliate other people. In order to stay on the level, it is much easier to lower others than to actually advance in one's own evolution. But a substitute for “development” by belittling other people is a fake, an imitation of development, a dead model, which in reality is rather a degradation.

Vanity of nothingness

Vanity is a way to deceive yourself by getting satisfaction from the illusion of your own greatness. In advanced stages, vanity develops into star disease and further into delusions of grandeur self-satisfied paranoia, with which a person imagines his own power, beauty and genius out of nowhere. All this is the other side of humiliation. Vanity is an exalted meanness.

Sometimes when we ask for help, or when this help is offered to us without our asking, we can experience humiliation, because there is a stamp in our heads that help is needed by the weak, helpless, or inferior members of society. Another proud person will not ask for help, even if someone's life depends on it.

We are humiliated not so much by "kings" as by people equal to us, but in their vanity, who imagine themselves to be kings. And if this happens, it means that our position is below average, you can spit in our direction and pour slops as long as we allow it. In a certain sense, the desire to be “above” others is the baseness that tries to rise at the expense of others.

A vain nothingness rejoices in someone else's pain, becomes an "energy" vampire who feeds on someone else's suffering. Insignificance seeks out people's sore spots in order to feel power over them. Legs grow from here, including: selfishness, snobbery, ambition, pride, star fever, etc. Putting on all these pompous masks, we flaunt our own humiliation within ourselves. We exalt ourselves to the skies, trampling our own suppressed insignificance into the mud. This is how we create and maintain an inner psychic split in which our greatness is reverse side our insignificance.

When a person is humiliated long time, he loses self respect, and self-esteem becomes low. He closes himself off from others, hides his pain, defending himself with a mask of false personality, which is artificially designed to hide psychic trauma. As the internal split grows, the psyche becomes less and less stable, and the person is in continuous tension, because he cannot be himself, cannot reveal his insides to others, or even to himself, disfigured by the bleeding wound of humiliation.

With such a wound in the soul, a person painfully perceives any criticism, accidentally heard extraneous laughter takes it at his own expense as a mockery, and even an innocent remark reminds him of suppressed humiliation.

At the same time, an outside critic is sometimes perceived as if he saw through the humiliated, revealed his secret about a mental wound in the soul, got under the skin, and, recognizing a weak spot, pricked him in his very epicenter.

All these are personal hallucinations of a wounded soul. That is why the therapist, listening to the client, at some appropriate moment may ask a question about similar cases from the past. Perhaps, in early childhood, when the child was unable to digest humiliation, this experience was repressed into his unconscious. And in the unconscious, mental wounds do not heal, but continue to bleed. To heal, you need to patiently open up, eliminating all false guises, face your own fears.

It is not surprising that even innocent criticism can cause hatred in a wounded soul. A humiliated and conceited person is greedy for flattery, and is extremely dependent on the opinions of others, which others sometimes consciously or unconsciously use. Once humiliated person often reinsured, defending himself even where there was no smell of an attack, which makes him seem unreasonably harsh and aggressive.

The more neglected the "situation", the stronger man tense, the more difficult it is for him to communicate with other people, the more alone, at times, a person feels. In such a situation, the role of a psychologist can be indispensable. A suffering person needs to be simply listened to, allowed to be himself, accepted without any judgment, sensitively and with respect for his essence.

The love of a vain nothingness

At the opposite pole, it is convenient for a sick psyche to attribute internal self-aggrandizement to “victories” on love front. Such a person in a relationship does not build relationships so much as asserts himself, tries to prove to himself with another victory that he is not a miserable nonentity. And if this self-affirmation is resisted, "love" suddenly turns into hatred.

Why do we hate our beloved? He did not amuse our pride, did not exalt our person, showed that we are unworthy of such an attitude, and therefore our conceited majesty falls into the other extreme - humiliation. Hate is mixed with love, because the refusal of reciprocity tramples down pride, which in fact was just a cover for one's own inner insignificance.

And by the way, the stronger the beloved has trampled our pride into the dirt, the stronger we “love” him! Remember? One extreme supports and strengthens the other. This kind of painful "love" goes hand in hand with vanity, hatred, and humiliation.

Let me remind you that we are talking not at all about some real insignificance, but only about his conflicting feelings and guesses at his own expense. We do all this with ourselves. This is how mental mechanisms work. We trample ourselves into the dirt in order to exalt ourselves later. From such spiritual "wounds" in varying degrees most of us suffer.

The vanity of civilization

Our entire civilization rests on the self-assertion of its own worthlessness. Remember your childhood. We've always liked heroes who indulge their ego in a particularly skillful way. The cooler the hero, the more skillfully he exalts his ego: the indestructible terminator, or the powerful Neo, who defeats the neurotic Smith, Cinderella, who made her way from the bottom of society straight to the prince, Barbie, born in the wealth and luxury of pink glamour.

What is Pushkin's fairy tale about a magic mirror worth! The sly mirror inspired the proud queen that she was "the sweetest of all in the world." And so, a whole mess ensued around the low self-esteem of the queen! The “cruel” truth that the young princess is more beautiful, the painful psyche of the queen could not perceive reasonably, and in order to keep her image on top, the queen was ready to go “breaking bad”. The list is endless. Every story has a good example.

And the greatest masters in this difficult matter of conceited self-aggrandizement, we become spiritual path when, renouncing pride, we amuse it precisely - pride at more and more sophisticated and refined levels. I think this should be treated with calm understanding.

Vanity and humiliation

A long experience of humiliation does not mean that a person can be put an end to. On the contrary, overcoming the imbalance, we gain wisdom and become stronger than we could become without this tempering experience. All mental "diseases" are overcome. Our weaknesses are simply those mental “muscles” that need to be worked on first of all, turning weakness into strength.

Often, when we see others being criticized, we can easily recognize the subjectivity of the critic. But if they criticize our person, then we begin to take criticism seriously. There is a kind of "coupling", when the critic's hallucinations seem to coincide with the hallucinations of the humiliating one.

For example, a dominant boss scolds a subordinate, reaching tyranny, towering over a person who depends on him. And the subordinate, actively participating in the "game" not on an equal footing, is humiliated, affirming himself in the position of a weak junior manager. The subordinate perceives this as an “objective” reality, a “common” space in which this single process of humiliation and elevation between two subjects takes place. All this feels so realistic, as if it really is an objective reality. And the reciprocal hatred of the boss also seems justified and appropriate.

However, this whole situation takes place in the head of the subordinate. There is no "objective" reality where the boss in the role of alpha male humiliates a subordinate. These are all subjective perceptions, dualistic mind games that most people play in their heads every day.

What really goes on in the boss's head is irrelevant. The subjective experiences of the boss do not go beyond his head. If the boss masturbates in public amuses his vanity - this is his "national" problem. The subordinate only hears the timbre of the voice, sees facial expressions, and characterizes all this in accordance with his life experience. And if in his experience there is a psychotrauma of humiliation, it is naturally projected in a new similar situation.

In psychology, there is a term "classical conditioning", which refers to the process of developing a conditioned reflex. Have you heard the joke about laboratory monkeys?

Two monkeys in a cage are talking:
- Girlfriend, what is it? conditioned reflex?
– Well, how can I explain this to you… Do you see this lever? As soon as I press it, this man in a white coat immediately comes up and gives me a sugar cube!

Conditioned reflexes appear when, for example, we react to a neutral situation emotionally, because in our head it is associated with another situation from the past, where we have already shown exactly these emotions.

That is, when a subordinate hates the Boss, it is possible that he actually hates his father, or a classmate bully who in the past subdued our subordinate by suppressing him. Perhaps the boss's remarks were innocent, but some subtly similar undertones of his actions aroused repressed feelings in the subordinate, and caused an inadequate reaction.

That is why it is advisable to maintain a healthy self-esteem in a child, because the child's consciousness is not yet able to fully realize the illusory nature of mental duality. Injuries inflicted in early childhood repressed into the unconscious, and may haunt a person for life. After all, it is in childhood that our basic ideas about the world and society are developed. Change them to adulthood extremely difficult.

To humiliate others is a much worse kind of pride than to exalt oneself beyond one's merit.
Francesco Petrarca

Pride is an echo of former humiliation.
Stepan Balakin

Do not humiliate yourself in front of anyone: do not look down on anyone!
Leonid S. Sukhorukov

If you have not humiliated yourself, nothing can humiliate you.
Richard Yucht

Conscious humiliation

Sometimes humiliation is deliberately chosen for various reasons. For some, humiliation is a kind of psychological extreme that provides a liberating feeling of looseness, overcoming boundaries and freedom from fear.

Something similar, with a characteristic rush of adrenaline, is felt by fans of extreme sports, for example, during parachuting. The looseness of feelings gives a feeling when "the sea is knee-deep."

In other cases, some people like to feel like a subordinate thing, with which the owner will do whatever he wants. This, I believe, is a distorted need for acceptance and trust, somewhat analogous to a child's trust in parents.

I have already said above that humiliation is the other side of vanity. Perhaps people who have great power over others (bosses, bosses, etc.) may consciously choose humiliation to smooth out self-esteem and defuse tension.

In our society, there is even a separate psychosexual subculture “BDSM”, which is based on humiliation and domination in sexual relations. Followers of "BDSM" get excited and defuse emotional tension, violating their role playing social conventions and taboos.

Sometimes they humiliate themselves in order to manipulate the vanity of another person, whom they exalt with their humiliation. For example, by humiliating himself, a person in the role of a weak person simply seeks to relieve himself of responsibility in order to leave all difficult matters for a “strong” personality, greedy for flattery and vanity. Humiliated at the same time, he can consider himself smarter, since he managed to achieve what he wanted with his “cunning” manipulations. Or the humiliating one simply wants pity, and longs to stay forever in where it is convenient for him to be helpless and weak.

Beggars and beggars also play on pity for their humiliating position. They say that some of these "beggars" earn by humiliation much more decently than their benefactors.

Sometimes people come to deliberate humiliation in order to avoid punishment from the dominant authority. If the authority is led to the "game", it also, in its psyche, increases the split, swinging the pendulum of vanity and humiliation.

Another rather rare variant of conscious humiliation is for the spiritual purpose of pacifying pride and vanity. But with such a goal, a person is not so much humiliated as he learns to show humility. And such humility, I think, should not be confused with humiliation. Ordinary humiliation is always a certain kind of self-deception and rejection of the current situation. Humility on the spiritual path, on the contrary, is associated with the acceptance of the life that is happening. Humiliation is different from humility, just as neurosis is different from holiness.

Inertia

Understanding how our psyche works, how we become attached to the pendulum of humiliation and vanity, helps to draw attention to these mental mechanisms. But even their conscious understanding does not guarantee full release from these experiences. I can speak from my own experience.

Inertia is like one of the key laws of the mind. A mind without habits is the mind of a Buddha. And if a person claims that he does not have pride and a sense of self-importance, most likely, this means that his pride is so highly developed that it prevents a person from recognizing its presence.

The way out of this painful duality is self-knowledge, diligent systematic awareness, sensitivity and attentiveness to the manifestations of one's own psyche. In order not to get involved in this game, be honest with yourself. Does it really matter what leads other people? What is driving you?

If you don't play vanity and humiliation, it becomes boring to humiliate you. Not getting desired result, the petty tyrant ceases to get his painful pride.

If you can laugh at yourself, no one can laugh at you. A person is humiliated not when he bows, but when he feels humiliation. The very experience of humiliation is a sign of an internal split.

The strong one is not the one who rises, but the one who no longer needs it. It is quite possible to be a successful and prosperous person without becoming a conceited idiot. Such impulses in oneself should be carefully examined so that they go out in the bud. Vanity is just a game of strength and a real internal split. True strength is our healthy psyche, creative will, developed abilities and talents.

© Igor Satorin

Article " Vanity, pride and humiliation” written specifically for
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Vanity has been known to mankind since ancient times and combines the following concepts: pride in religion, star fever in show business circles, pride, arrogance in ordinary relations between people. What is vanity, how it affects a person and others - the best experts on human souls - philosophers, priests, theosophists, psychologists - tried to figure it out.

What does vanity mean?

Vanity comes from the two words "futility" and "glory". IN AND. Dal, the great researcher of the Russian language, explains in an explanatory dictionary what human vanity is - this is the desire of a certain kind of people for honors, praise, worldly glory, recognition of imaginary virtues. The desire to be the subject of conversation and the greed for attention are inherent in people in modern society.

Vanity in terms of psychology

The reasons for vanity lie in childhood. Psychologists believe that in the formation of self-esteem, an important criterion is the recognition of the child by parents, how they evaluate certain achievements of the child. An excess of praise negatively affects the further perception of oneself as a person, inadequate leads to the emergence of vanity. Can a person recognize in himself? There are signs of vanity:

• pleasure from flattery;
• the desire to spin events around one's own person;
• aggressive response to any criticism (constructive, non-constructive);
• excessive talkativeness, at odds with deeds (discrepancy between speaking and doing);
• eccentric behavior.

What does a vain person mean?

Perception of oneself as a person is a complex process associated with emotions, their excess or lack against the background of improper upbringing when there are no norms and prohibitions and permissiveness develops. A vain person is a bright person at first glance, attracting the attention of people. The Austrian psychiatrist A. Adler spoke of a vain person as filled with himself to the extent that there is simply no place for others. How vanity manifests itself:

1. Feelings, thoughts are flaunted - the internal state may differ from the external manifestation (the goal is to capture as many audiences as possible for attention).
2. Humiliation of another person in order to feel superior (more pronounced in women).
3. The desire to do good deeds and tell others how good I am.
4. The dominant need for "stardom" - without knowing the meaning of activity, a profession in which success is important for a person (success for the sake of success).
5. Envy towards those who have achieved something in life.

Vanity - is it good or bad?

Every phenomenon has positive and negative aspects. What is human vanity and are there good points in it - in terms of practical benefits? There are more negative points, but there are also positive aspects of vanity:

• helps to achieve success and recognition (especially in show business);
• is a trigger for any human undertaking: studying at a prestigious institution, career advancement.

What is vanity on the negative side:

• The most the main problem vanity lies in the fact that a person does not benefit society and is fixated only on himself.
• It is difficult for vain people to be in full-fledged relationships with loved ones: with their arrogance, arrogance and arrogance, they repel people.
• Spiritual development is practically absent, in extreme cases a person can go into a state of megalomania (personality psychopathology), when he imagines himself to be omnipotent.

Vanity vs Pride - What's the difference?

Egoism and self-centeredness are the field on which pride and vanity are “nurtured”. Full orientation of a person on himself, his achievements. Vanity is considered less rude human vice than pride. In vanity, a person can still realize the perniciousness of his "I - positioning", in pride there is a complete disregard for others against the background of self-exaltation. In all world religions, pride is a grave sin.

Ambition and vanity - differences

The desire of a person to be the best in various social spheres evokes respect. Being a wonderful doctor, teacher, taking responsibility for your profession and becoming an example for others - this is what distinguishes ambition from vanity, which is characterized by "empty" drawing attention to one's person. Ambition and vanity - between them exists a fine line when one quality can turn into another: at the same time, a person begins to boast of past merits and how much useful, in his opinion, he has done for society.

How to get rid of vanity?

As soon as a person realizes that he is a prisoner of his own importance and dependence on flattery, recognition by others, fights for the attention of the team, there will be a huge emotional and psychological work to overcome yourself. How to deal with vanity - a few recommendations from psychologists:

1. Pragmatism is a quality that reasonable limits helps to eradicate vanity and not rest on the laurels of success once achieved.
2. Compare your successes with the successes of other people - remember that there is always someone smarter, more beautiful, more successful.
3. Take an example from famous people who, in their success, were not subjected to vanity: Mother Teresa, Mohammed Ali, Keanu Reeves - modest personalities with a worldwide reputation
4. Sharing victories and achievements is about the fact that success comes from the participation of other people in a person’s life. Acceptance of this fact and gratitude to parents, teachers, who meet at life path- help to get out of the state of vanity.
5. G.D. Roberts, an Australian writer, in his novel The Shadow of the Mountain, expressed the idea of ​​how much usefulness can be gained by simply bowing one's head and kneeling down sometimes - good exercise against vanity.

What is vanity in Orthodoxy?

Why is vanity a sin in the Orthodox tradition? AT famous movie"The Devil's Advocate" hero Al Pacino utters words in which he admits that vanity is one of his most beloved sins, the Devil. The soul of a vain person is defenseless against the temptations of dark forces. Holy Fathers on Vanity:

• Vain thoughts come from the Devil, but never from God.
• Vanity manifests itself in resentment towards loved ones that they live an unrighteous life, instead of being imbued with compassion and asking God to direct native person on the right path.
• Whoever does and says something for the sake of only worldly glory is conceited (St. Basil the Great).
• The soul of vanity is a waterless pit (St. Evagrius).
• Vanity is like a rushing wind - it blows all the treasures of virtue (St. John Chrysostom).

The content of the article:

Vanity is a feeling of fame, recognition and arrogance of a person for no apparent reason. The root of this problem lies in the distortion of self-esteem in order to create a certain image that can somehow help to feel better. In its purest form, vanity means sweet self-deception, arrogance, pride, which does not lead to anything good and only repels other people.

The impact of vanity on life

Vanity is a lie to oneself that revolves around self-esteem and is fueled by self-praise and flattery. Naturally, such a person is not able to correctly assess the level of his capabilities, because vanity increases the number of positive qualities and elevates him to a new pedestal. This normal desire to be recognized and the pursuit of praise often exhausts a person internally. And after this it is very difficult to find an internal balance.

Inadequate self-esteem distorts the perception of a person by others and exposes a braggart. Usually in such cases close people and friends are lost. Pride exalts a person as much as possible over others and makes him higher only in his mind. Outwardly, it looks like he thinks too much of himself and, of course, does not inspire confidence in the rest.

Vanity excludes the possibility of a sober view of life. A person is unable to understand the feelings of others and correctly assess the situation. Problems arise in the family due to misunderstandings. A vain layman will demand too much from others that he himself does not deserve. He expects calling, praise and honor for his deeds, which, in fact, are worth nothing of the kind.

The vanity of a woman turns her husband away from her, who begins to consider his wife too arrogant. She loses her friends by demanding constant praise from them and speaking negatively about them. Such a woman is convinced of her own superiority and does not doubt it at all. Moreover, she persistently tries to achieve recognition from the people around her, while not being too polite to them.

The problem of such a person is in self-esteem, which is not motivated by anything, but is tritely overestimated due to internal conflict and unresolved personal problems. Children eventually stop treating vain mothers the way they demand, and family conflict is growing. Naturally, any relationship deteriorates in the future, because no one will recognize the cult of an undeserved personality.

Vain men very often turn their women into submissive followers of their indiscreet persona. Such a person will choose the most meek and quiet girl who will constantly confirm and support his “pseudo title”. If the family will develop, then only on the basis of the indispensable reverence for the man in the family and respect for his conceited ego. The husband will build any relationship around himself and his person, overshadowing all the merits of his wife and children.

Inflated self-esteem and the constant demand for recognition from loved ones will slowly destroy family relationships, which will immediately lead to a completely expected collapse. The situation with children in the family will be the same as in the case of a woman. Vanity encourages you to put yourself above any interests of other family members. That is why mutual understanding in such families is completely absent.

The main reasons for the development of vanity

Vanity is always the result of an internal conflict, a split in the perception of oneself. A person mixes the real with the desired and believes what he likes best. The split occurs due to a traumatic situation or prolonged exposure unfavorable climate For example, growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Vanity is considered as a variant of distorted compensation by the psyche of missing feelings. But, stuck on the feeling of their acute shortage, a person loses the opportunity to soberly assess the situation. Sometimes this feeling develops due to the long-term maintenance of a false image in an artificial way.

Arrogance can arise from the fact that a person was treated unnecessarily kindly, praising and exaggerating his achievements, although, in fact, there was no reason for this. Unfortunately, both options happen quite often, but depending on different situations, they can take slightly different shades.

Perhaps the reason lies in childhood. Difficult relationships with parents or relatives who allowed themselves to insult the child and belittle his dignity can quite realistically influence the formation of an unhealthy psyche of the child.

Constant belittling causes a feeling of lack of certain emotions that accompany pride, recognition. After all, every person sincerely wants to be recognized or hear praise. Those children who have never heard it turn simple words into value and appropriate it for themselves. It's like a way to make up for the damage done in childhood. A person who has been humiliated creates an aura of pride and recognition around himself, literally demanding honor from others.

Arrogance manifests itself in every situation and acts as a defensive reaction. Sometimes this is a way to prove to yourself that the parents were wrong and the person is really worth something. In any case, the compensatory reaction goes far beyond that primary family conflict, and the layman learns to live with pride, takes it for granted.

Often a person's arrogance develops after a difficult school year. Whatever the adults, children can sometimes be very cruel. School years accompanied by intensive development of the child's psyche. Bullying by peers, public humiliation can cause serious harm to the still unformed horizons, including self-esteem. Furthermore, transitional age with characteristic hormonal surges enhances the effect and can even lead to negative consequences.

These events, in fact, cause a split in personality and some change in one's ego. A compensatory reaction develops in the form of high self-esteem. A person creates an image and reputation for himself, which will not be tarnished, and is very worried about it. He begins to perceive himself as much higher than he really is.

Most often, vanity develops as a result of poor education. No, for this it is not necessary to scold the child or humiliate, it is quite enough to let him behave as he wants. The absence of an established framework of behavior and prohibitions forms a pathological permissiveness.

Over time, such a person begins to get used to the fact that everyone will treat him the same way as his parents, more and more confidently convinced of his own superiority. Self-esteem grows with the child over the years, without denying himself anything, an image of his own unsurpassedness and perfection is formed. High demands on society and arrogant conceit bring up a conceited conceit.

The main signs of vanity in a person

Finding a vain person in communication is quite simple. They usually give themselves away due to their high conceit and look down on the interlocutor. First of all, he talks about his merits and superiority, focuses on his own qualities, slightly embellishing his achievements and qualities.

In a conversation, he tries either to dominate and carry on a conversation, or to cast a condescending or even contemptuous glance over the interlocutor. The thread of the conversation is constantly trying to draw into a familiar topic, to tell about himself. He never asks about others and has little interest in the affairs of the interlocutor.

Of course, all of the above is extreme vanity, but some similar signs are easy to notice in your acquaintances and friends. Vanity is manifested by the characteristic centralization of conversations. Such a person uses any occasion and topic to tell everyone about a new event in his life, an achievement that is not really very important.

Actualizes insignificant events and tries to become the center of attention, transfers the conversation from others to himself. With all this, internal vanity makes you feel uncomfortable if pride is hurt or someone else is in the center of the conversation.

Vanity sometimes does not allow you to do some simple things that are characteristic of people, for example, to apologize, to ask for something. These are ordinary concepts, but it is very difficult for a conceited person to stoop to them. To do this, you need to lower the pride scale indicator and “go down” to simple requests or apologies. Signs of this condition may include an inability to deal with people with tact, an insistence on one's own way, and a lack of flexibility in life situations.

At work, such people often succeed, but also fly by because of their pride. A person is very proud of his place and values ​​it above all else. Vain bosses love flattery and praise, praising such in time, you can even get a substantial bonus or promotion. But, having heard not too pleasant reviews about yourself, everything changes: the anger of vanity is a rather unpleasant thing, and it is better not to face it.

How to overcome vanity

Vanity, after all, is an internal conflict, and it must be resolved from the inside. Only by finding the root of the problem, you can permanently get rid of this unpleasant quality. Naturally, the ideal solution for this task would be a timely appeal to a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist. With the help of several sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy, you can adjust your self-esteem and set the right priorities on the path of life.

For men, the importance of the question of how to deal with vanity is rarely raised. It is quite difficult to hurt their pride and shake it to such a level that they begin to doubt the veracity of their ideas.

But still, some of them, who notice this not too pleasant quality in themselves, want to get rid of it as soon as possible. This means that the first stage of reassessment has already begun and there is minimal criticism of one's own feelings.

Women struggle with vanity much harder than men. They have a stronger sense of self-worth and pride, which is motivated by social attitudes. How to get rid of vanity will be interesting only to the woman to whom it has already caused a lot of problems and makes it difficult social adaptation. Only then will she begin to look for means and ways to deal with this condition.

For both sexes, it is important to realize the value of one's own person, to critically assess one's abilities and capabilities, or, in other words, to be honest with oneself. The latter is the most difficult for people who have been deceiving themselves all their lives and showing themselves to be better than they really are.

It is necessary to appreciate and accept the importance of other people, learn to respect their rights and dignity, recognize the best sides and share the opinions of others. You need to understand your role in a large mechanism and accept it, be able to appreciate the importance of others, be able to recognize your mistakes and shortcomings.

Ideal people does not happen, everyone can find a flaw in himself that characterizes him as a person, and people tend to make mistakes. It must be remembered that admitting one's shortcomings is the greatest courage, which is far from being subject to everyone. To overcome an internal conflict, it is necessary, first of all, to pacify your own pride, taking the first steps towards success.

How to get rid of vanity - look at the video:

The strength of a person is far from being in material goods, achievements or competitions. They will forever remain only memories and pictures from memory. The real value is the people who are there, no matter what, those who will remain when there is nothing left. One must be able to distinguish inner self-respect and strength of mind from vile vanity, which drags envy, pride and loneliness into the abyss.