Uncomfortable communication. Personal space is divided into several zones

I feel empty. For some reason, I do not allow myself to speak and behave as I want. I can't express my desires and needs to other people. This has been going on since childhood. It always seems to me that there is no need to waste time and energy on me, that I do not deserve it. It is very difficult to realize one's desires with great internal conflicts. Some desires appeared in early age, but only now has taken up their implementation. For example, since childhood, I wanted to dance ballroom dancing, but I went only at the age of 22. Yes, and then another person pushed me to this. I put the desires and feelings of other people above my own. As a child, my parents were very protective of me. They decided for me what clothes to wear, what school to go to, what language to learn there, and so on. and even now, in general, in many respects too. I am not very independent. I have a hard time making decisions. I'm still waiting for someone else to do it for me. Before doing something important for me, I consult with my mother. As a child, I often had a cold, so for quite a long time I did not see my friends in the yard. I don't remember if this tightness was already there. AT primary school lacked friends. There were 2 girlfriends, but they went to all sorts of circles and often during the extension I was alone and felt lonely. At that time I was already shy. And not very confident. I didn’t dress very nicely and I didn’t have beautiful bags, although I wanted to. Then I ended up in a children's camp and hoped that I would find friends there. To be friends with me, I was ready for anything and was very worried about this. I tried to listen to them carefully and smile so that they could see what I am good listener and were friends with me. But at the same time, I was silent and did not say anything at all. I couldn’t keep up conversations with them about fashion or singers, because I didn’t understand this at all. And she considered herself a rather backward person. (My parents are elderly people were not particularly interested in such matters, and neither am I.) My efforts gave a terrible result. No one really noticed me there, and some criticized my clothes. Once they told me they didn't like me. The girl said it out of the blue. It was a blow to the heart. In the camp I cried a lot and worried, but in the hope that this time I would find friends for myself, I went again and everything was repeated again. Went like this for five years. As a child, even boys laughed at my appearance. Relations with men do not add up at all. I have never met anyone before. In dealing with them, constraint is added to my stiffness and brings great discomfort. Another possible influence is my relationship with my dad. He drank as a child and became uncontrollable. He yelled at my mother and I was afraid for her. I felt hatred for him then. Now there are practically no such situations. But in relations with dad there is some kind of intolerance, irritability. I can't call these relationships deep. Although dad takes care of me very much, gives advice, sometimes cooks some dishes for me, he is always ready to help if I need something. I would also like to improve my relationship with my dad. And then I often get angry at him inside, although I try not to show it. Either he does something too slowly, then he says nonsense. Little things like this annoy me. Now I'm surrounded good people, very good. I really want to be sincere with them, but I can't!! (Except for my mother, with her I'm really sincere, but even to her it's hard for me to tell about my feelings). I am silent, I listen to them, or I do not listen, but I think about something of my own, but I cannot express my feelings to them. It's uncomfortable. I feel like I can't really be close to them because of that. I often run away from communication. I try to finish the conversation as soon as possible. Please help me, if you can, with advice on how to learn to be yourself and open up to people and feel natural with them?

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Lina Posted by

Hello. Anyone who is going to read the following I warn you that the text will be long. I am 15 years old, I have no friends. Well, there are friends in the class, but what would real friends be, then no.

I spent the whole summer at home, my family did repairs. I very rarely went out, except to throw out the garbage. And when I had to go to the store, I realized that I was very afraid to go there. I always had tension when I was in society, but now it has intensified. I really did not want to go out, I was afraid to be among a lot of people. I don't know what's happening to me. I understand that they (people) will not do anything to me, but fear is clearly felt even now.

When I come to the store, I get lost, I don't want to disturb the seller once again, especially if I'm not going to buy anything. I'm scared to ask anything strangers, make new friends. But on the other hand, I really want to find friends, or at least one, but a real friend.

At school, I occupy a neutral place: I do not express my opinion, I do not impose my communication on anyone. No one seems to hate me, but no one is particularly friends with me either. I can't be myself. Even at home. Today I am a cheerful cheerful person, and tomorrow I absolutely do not care about everything.

I understand that I need to start expressing my opinion, and I don’t give a damn what others will think of me, although in general the opinion of others about me worries me a lot.

When I am on the street, among people, I feel extremely uncomfortable, sometimes it seems to me that people will ridicule me. Therefore, I really want to return home as soon as possible, where there are no strangers.

Perhaps this is all due to the fact that since the 1st grade I have never gone out with anyone to walk. I have always been busy with lessons. School first, then homework, which I did until late, then sleep. and so flew 8 years.

For some reason, I am also constantly ashamed in front of my parents if I sometimes go out for a walk with a neighbor, we are familiar with early childhood. I'm ashamed if I'm on the Internet, I'm ashamed to ask for anything. This is probably because my mother often tells me about her childhood. She was an excellent student, went to music school and she was excellent too. And to top it all off, she also had time to work around the house. And if something did not have time, then her grandmother (my great-grandmother), the kingdom of heaven to her, beat her.

At that Soviet time And there wasn't much entertainment. And I, I have my own room, food, sweets, clothes, a laptop, etc. And it often seems to me that I am ungrateful, that I live on everything prepared. I also do a lot of things, especially this summer: every day I washed the stairs, swept, washed all the dishes, watered the garden and also helped with repairs. Basically, I'm not only doing this this summer, except that the floors weren't mopped so often and the repairs didn't help (don't think I'm bragging). But I think I should do more.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if anyone can help me, and if someone still dares to read all this, then please advise me something.

Hello. My name is Dasha, I am 16 years old. This is the first time I'm asking for help. I want to tell you about my problem... I have depression. No, I don't confuse it...

I have always been shy and when I was in a crowd, there was a feeling of depression and stress. Being in big company, I felt bad, but when there were one or two people in the company, I felt comfortable. I was able to overcome my shyness, I stopped being shy, but after analyzing the last 10 years, I came to the conclusion that I managed a lot, which then changed my whole life and essence. How to stop being shy in a big company, we will learn from this article.

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Photo gallery: How to stop being shy in a big company

Today, one may not remember in all details the feeling of timidity and shyness, I have ceased to be shy and the fear of communication is not a problem for me. I don't know exactly when I stopped feeling uncomfortable and timid. By nature I am not talkative person, and was not sure that I would ever become sociable. Each person has a threshold for the manifestation of some of their personal qualities. But now in any big company I feel comfortable and confident. Overcoming shyness and timidity, I resorted to some tricks, I will share them with you.

Back to Consciousness.
All thoughts are material in nature, build the right faith and beliefs in your mind. Repeat "Every day I become more confident" and at every opportunity, on the way to work, to the library, to the store, repeat this phrase to yourself. In your mind, you can imagine such a situation when you are confidently speaking surrounded by people, then you will feel faith in yourself and joy from this. If that doesn't work, then you should turn to hypnosis.

Communication.
Let there be positive-minded people in your environment, they will provide you with the necessary support. If you communicate with the same shy people like you, you will not move forward, so you will only believe in your weakness. You need to be with friends who won't ridicule and criticize you for your efforts to overcome yourself. You should have those friends near you who you can rely on in everything, they will help you move forward so that you reach some heights. Of course, it will be difficult to find such friends, but if there are such people who will balance between criticism and support, then you should try to be near them more often and boldly go to them.

Expand your comfort zone.
A person will not get bumps if he does nothing. If you do nothing, then you will not develop, and you will stagnate. You can't swim, but start by getting your feet wet. It's scary at first, but there will come a point where you need to take in more air and dive into the water. The novelty of this action is frightening, but if we consistently go forward, it will make us develop and grow. And in order to stop being shy, you need to go out to people, enter into situations where you will be uncomfortable, here you need to spur yourself on. Don't let fear take over your mind and you.

Using the example of swimming, let's imagine if you are in the deep place, for the first time, take a run into the water. If you are very shy, then making a speech right away, entering into a discussion and being in front of a huge crowd of people is inefficient and unrealistic. To get started, start with five people. If you can overcome your shyness in front of five people, then go ahead and talk to ten people. Then there will be twenty and the audience should be gradually increased. There is such an expression as therapy, by "immersion", when the patient is left to deal with fears himself, when he is face to face with all that he is most afraid of. And this method works. If this technique is carried out under the close guidance of a psychologist, it will have an effective effect. Our motto is the words - slowly but surely.

Don't take it to heart.
Often timid and sensitive people take things that happen to them very seriously. And if I forget the words, will my voice start to tremble if I make a mistake? These questions are on their minds. And if it does, will it kill you? You need to take everything calmly and plan your actions for the future.

Shyness is a feeling of self-respect.
It's probably true that shyness is a feeling dignity. The one who said this phrase thought that shy people only think about what they think of them and how they look in the eyes of the people around them, but they need to focus outside their “shell” and make the situation the most valuable for themselves. You can give advice, think more about others than about yourself. In fact, no one cares about you, and everyone thinks about himself. Don't go deep into yourself. Stop thinking that people will say the wrong thing, think the wrong way.

Do not cross the line by analyzing your actions.
If you think you are shy, then you will not overcome your shyness. When you begin to analyze shyness, you will come to the conclusion that everything is meaningless. As soon as you are in a situation where you need not to be shy, but to act, then hopelessness will let you go. All you have to do is practice. Do everything that you are afraid of and do not think that it is useless.

Love yourself.
Timid people feel uncomfortable and awkward both alone with themselves and surrounded by people. Go to the movies, have dinner, take a walk alone. It has been observed that quite confident people in crowded places feel comfortable and happy being alone.

read books.
They will help you overcome your shyness. Read how people were able to overcome their shyness, it will inspire you to curb your fears and overcome heights.

In conclusion, you can stop being shy in a big company, and it will take time to get out of shy person turned out confident man, is a doable task. Sociability and confidence will make life better and more interesting, and several times more fun. Just don't put everything on hold.

I bet almost all of you are familiar with that nasty feeling of “feeling like a sucker”? Bad feeling, yes. Is it possible to get rid of it? Yeah too.

First of all, you need to take action constructively . These actions do not include:

nagging
complaints
self-pity
hide and seek in his lair, just to get away from people.

Because the problem will not only not be solved, but will be aggravated.

What then to do? Let's go in order.

Step one:

You need to understand where the legs of a buried dog grow from. In other words, sit quietly in silence and solitude and honestly admit to yourself: where did this feeling come from? How was it born and what does it eat?

In particular, the most common reasons for feeling like a sucker are:

lack of confidence in one's appearance
inability to easily connect with people
disorder personal life
feeling dumb, unable to do what others are doing
problems at school or at work
troubled family
lack of professional self-realization or failure, lack of money
or maybe everything is fine with you, but “caring people” (friends, relatives) constantly convince you of the opposite and break your faith in yourself

These are not all reasons, of course. If your reason is different, share with us in the comments.

And if you are painfully familiar with one (or several) of the listed points, then let's figure it out.

Comparing yourself to others

The feeling of "I feel like a sucker" in the vast majority of cases is built through comparing yourself to other people .

These other people might be smarter, prettier, leaner, they might have cooler clothes and go on cooler trips, they might have better grades, paychecks, husbands, apartments, jobs, photos… The list is very long.

And when you constantly see that the other person is superior to you in something, quite naturally a certain feeling arises:

it could be white envy. This is when you think: “Wow, what a great job she is! Her achievements inspire me too!” White envy can only be experienced by a person with normal self-esteem. This is a healthy response.
it can be black envy and the resulting desire to devalue that person. “Oh bitch, she flew to Bali, now she uploads pictures of her legs ... So that they burn on her ... she probably gives everyone in a row to sponsor her. And I'm not like that, I'm honest!
and it can be that feeling of “something is wrong with me, since I don’t have what she has.” This is what it feels like to be an asshole.

What feeds on self-doubt

Perfectionism ruins life

The feeling “something is wrong with me” most often occurs in perfectionist girls. They want to be the coolest, know everything better than anyone, be able to do everything better than anyone ...

There is such a need from childhood and a nervous tail trails behind the girl all her life. Maybe she was brought up in the vein of “you must be the best, we love you for the fives, but we don’t love you for the deuces.” Or a traumatic situation occurred in childhood, from which the girl concluded: “You need to be the best, only then you will be loved and respected.” Maybe something else.

The bottom line is that, having in your field of vision more successful examples, the girl can not enjoy life.

It is important for such a girl to understand and learn by heart:

You do NOT have a task in this life to be perfect. You have the right to be ANYONE. At least a blonde, at least a brunette, at least smart, at least stupid, at least beautiful, at least the Quasimodo twin, at least super-successful, at least earning 10,000 rubles in her favorite business. ALLOW yourself to be yourself.

"I want to help you!"

The situation is more difficult when a worried mother (mother-in-law / girlfriend / sister / ...) constantly tells you that you suck. And although you are pretty, and you have a job, and in general you are satisfied with everything in your life, daily squats on your ears under the flag "I want to help you, but I'm worried!" great lower your self-esteem, making you feel like a sucker.

We girls do this: self-esteem depends on the opinions of others . There is nothing wrong with that, it is our nature. We are told that we are beautiful - we will consider ourselves beautiful. We are told that we are terrible - we will consider ourselves terrible, even if unearthly beauty is reflected in the mirror.

And since our self-esteem depends on the opinions of others, the solution to the problem is obvious:

CHOOSE for yourself an environment that will see and appreciate your dignity. Minimize contact with people who constantly lower your self-esteem. If this is a girlfriend, to hell with such a girlfriend. If this is a mother, move away from her and meet once a month.

It is not obvious to some girls that people are different:

there are always dissatisfied, complaining, criticizing.
are optimistic, cheerful, loving life.

And the first ones are constantly looking for the shortcomings of others, not because these shortcomings are so fat and terrible that one cannot remain silent about them, but because they are human habit : humiliate, criticize, wash the bones, advise where they are not asked, assert themselves through the humiliation of others. This is eternal dissatisfaction, every day something is wrong, every day someone is bad, except for this person himself ...

The latter are normal, with a healthy psyche. And they are well aware that everyone has the right to make mistakes . And they know that no one has the task of being the most, most perfect . Realize that there are no people consisting of merit alone . Accept the fact that everyone has different desires and values . They understand that their stupid criticism will not benefit anyone, but support and appreciation of the merits motivate them to develop and become better.

Select people from the second group in your environment. This is your life, you have the right to choose ANY environment in which you will feel good. There is only one life, and living it in an environment that destroys you is simply wrong. Look for good people.

And watch the video about toxic people:

Step two:

We realize that you have the right to be anyone. And what do you have no need to be perfect .
We clean the environment: we minimize communication with negative people, we develop communication with positive people.
Doing useful exercise: take paper and we write down all our virtues on it . Everything, everything, even those that you consider small and insignificant. Can you cook? Draw/dance/sing? Do you have a charming smile? Higher education? Good position? Do you love children? Can you console? Did you make a beautiful dress yourself? Are you typing fast? Do you read a lot? Managed to build strong relationships with husband? Got a thank you at work? Do you have beautiful hair? Did you buy a car yourself? Can you take stylish photos? Are you a good friend? Write everything-everything-everything! And keep this list so you can come back to it from time to time.

Step three:

You have the right to be anyone. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't develop..

And the good news is that you can pump in almost any field. And you can use your self-doubt as an engine to help you become a better person (compared to your old self, not someone else).

And then a cool mechanism will start: after each achievement, even a small one, you will experience positive emotions that just won't let you feel like a sucker. You will enjoy these emotions, you will make more and more achievements, increasing your self-confidence more and more.

And one day you will find that you have become that girl who only experiences white envy and sincerely rejoices in the success of others.

Let's take a look at a few reasons for this uncertainty:

Why do you feel stupid and what to do about it

Uncertainty about your appearance

Algorithm:

we understand that whining and feeling sorry for yourself is not constructive
we realize that we have every right to have any appearance - even a Disney princess, even grandmother Yozhka
we stop communicating with people who poke us in the shortcomings of appearance
For our own development, we begin to closely engage in our appearance. For example, we find videos of workouts for weight loss on YouTube and sign up for dances or a gym. Sign up for a hairdresser. We donate (or sell) old clothes to a shelter, take a friend who REALLY understands style and REALLY wants us to look good, and go shopping with her. We find makeup lessons on the Internet and select the one that suits us the most. Book an appointment with a stylist. We read our blog and begin to wash ourselves properly and take care of our hair.

Look:

The grace of a luxurious woman(well)
Her own make-up artist(well)
Movements for a beautiful body and strong relationships(lessons)
Waltz of hormones: weight, sleep, sex, beauty and health like clockwork(bestselling book)
Slim, young, desirable(training)
Intestine and brain(book, motivates to eat right)

So your confidence in your appearance will inevitably grow. And one day you will find that you no longer feel like a sucker for it)

Inability to easily connect with people

Algorithm:

we understand that hiding from people and not going anywhere is not a solution
we realize that we have every right to have at least 100 friends, at least one friend - mom or our library
we stop communicating with people who laugh at our lack of communication skills. We make good friends who do not need to assert themselves at your expense
For our own development, we begin to develop communication skills. We read books, watch videos on the topic. We start to get out of the house for all sorts of events. We begin to slowly, incrementally communicate with everyone in a row (for example, you can wish sellers have a good day, tell people on the street what beautiful dogs they have, ask passers-by for directions to the nearest bus stop, etc.) Sign up for courses to develop communication skills - there are a lot of them on the Internet.

Look:

How to talk to anyone. Mark Rhodes (book)
How to win friends and influence people. Dale Carnegie (bestselling book)
Communication genius. Aksenov, Borisova (book)
The art of charisma(Youtube channel)
Courses acting skills(also pump communication skills, look in your city)

So every day you will feel more and more free in relationships with other people, and one day you will find that other people do not scare you at all)

Disorder of personal life

Algorithm:

we understand that sitting at home and complaining to your friends that there are no more normal men left is stupid and futile
we realize that we have the right to build a family at least at 20, at least at 40 years old - when we want, and not when we are told
we stop communicating with assholes and lazy people, we free up space for dating worthy men
We realize that if it was not possible to build relationships before, then this does not mean at all that it will not work out in the future. It will work out for sure, you just need to change something in your automatic patterns of behavior in relationships (because your current patterns lead you to an unsettled personal life). To do this, it is best to go through some cool course to build a happy relationship with a worthy person.

Look:

(article why it is very important to develop as a woman)
Rose of love and femininity. How to become a luxurious flower that attracts best men (a book that pumps over all aspects of appearance and self-presentation)
Why are you still single?(test)
The art of female flirting, seduction and defile(Master Class)
In fact, I'm smart, but I live like a fool - new life in 49 days (online course)
The grace of a luxurious woman(online course)
How can a woman worthy of a happy relationship meet her man?(video training)

So, as you develop as a woman, you will inevitably become more attractive and start attracting cool men. And you will already be able to build healthy strong relationships with them, so the main thing is to start!)

A few examples:

Example: a pretty girl, looks after her appearance, but young people do not pay attention to her. Solution: After taking a course on building relationships, she will understand that appearance is only one component of attractiveness. And there is also the manner of self-presentation, behavior and a huge pile of little things, the absence of which can greatly reduce attractiveness. And the good news is that all these things are easy to develop in yourself!

Example: the girl was married and it was a nightmare. She plowed like a horse for two, while her husband played tanks and treated her like an empty place that brings food. The girl decided that marriage was evil and she would not go there again. With this decision, the girl will ruin her life. Instead, she may realize that either she does not know how to choose men, or her behavior makes men lazy losers. All this is easily fixable, and if this girl understands her mistakes and learns new tricks, then she will meet a worthy man, build with him cool family and they will live long happy lives.

Example: the girl understands that she loses her appearance to other girls and believes that therefore she is unworthy good man. Here again we recall that appearance is only one of many components of attractiveness, and having developed her attractiveness, this girl will be able to jump even her most beautiful girlfriends who rely only on appearance.

Feeling dumb, unable to do what others are doing

Algorithm:

We understand that self-pity will not solve the problem.
we realize that we have every right to be even smarter than Einstein, even dumber than a toothpick. And we also realize that you do not need to be able to do everything that others can. You need to be able to do something of your own, to which your soul lies
we stop communicating with people who laugh at our abilities and intellect
We are aware of a thing as simple as a carrot: skills and intelligence are easily pumped. Therefore, for the sake of our own development, we draw up a plan for our own pumping: we read a couple of GOOD books a month, broaden our horizons. We also enroll in courses to develop the skill that you would like to have. Everything is simple.

MIF publishing books(the coolest books to improve life and develop intelligence)
look for Youtube channels and courses to develop your specific skills

So every month you will be smarter, and your skills will be more pumped. And one day you will find that with high professionalism you can do something that others cannot.

I had a friend who was constantly whining: well, they say, you (girlfriends) are lucky, you are smart and have some talents, and I’m so stupid and stupid ... (Yeah, “lucky”, we learned everything) That is, the girl absolutely did not understand that her mind and her skills are something that is completely in her possession and disposal. If you want, you develop, if you want, you degrade.

Don't be like that girl, upgrade your mind and your abilities. And for this, the first step is to draw up a development plan for yourself.

You can deal with self-doubt

What if I told you that you can stop feeling like a sucker? Yes, not once there, in 10-20 years, but already this year?

But for this it is CRITICAL to understand one thing:

how you tend to think and act in stressful situations brought you to where you are today.

Therefore, it is very, sooooo important to start doing some new actions and switch pattern thinking to conscious. That is, stop emotionalizing (“everything is bad, again nothing works, I am worthless, life is pain ...”) and start asking yourself questions: what led me to this? What lesson can I take from this? And how can I correct my actions, what can I learn?

I strongly advise you to watch this video on how to get rid of self-doubt, and start applying tips out of him:

Every problem has a solution

If you have problems at work - turn off your emotions, stop feeling sorry for yourself and think with a cold head: what do I need to do to be seen as a good employee? Read professional literature? Stop being late? Build relationships with your boss? Ask him for professional development advice? Start dressing according to a dress code? Upgrade your skills? Change job?

If you have learning problems - what can be done? Ask your parents to hire a tutor? Less time to spend with girlfriends and more to do? Find good books where a difficult topic for you is explained plain language? Ask a friend to work with you? Start to behave calmly in the classroom, so as not to anger the teachers?

If you have no money- what can be done? Write out your skills and choose a job that you like, where you want to grow and develop? Search the Internet for ways to make money that you like? Ask for a raise from your boss, after showing that you are a valuable employee? Stop spending money on bullshit and start saving? Change your job to a better paying one?

If you you can't say "no" , you are terribly afraid of criticism and do not know how to express your feelings - what can be done? Yes, it's not a problem at all. All you need to read five pieces good books(like How to say no without remorse. And say "yes" to free time, success and everything that is important to you"), start following the advice from these books. It is advisable to enroll in courses to increase self-confidence and stress resistance. And, perhaps, go to a psychotherapist, because you probably have a neurosis on this basis, which pretty much spoils your life.

Once again, there is always a solution. And it is very important to understand that your problem is not forever, but only if you take responsibility for your life ON YOURSELF and start doing something that you have not done before. Because what you were doing before led you to your problem.

Therefore, start thinking and acting constructively! And then you will stop visiting this unpleasant thought “I feel like a sucker…”!

And something else:

Girls ease their problems by talking them out. So whatever happens to you, speak up. To a friend, to a psychologist, to his diary. Don't keep it to yourself.