How not to look stupid in front of a man. Avoid eye contact

Social media today became not a simple means communication and storage of personal information. This is a virtual society with its own rules of communication. In order not to look stupid in the eyes of the interlocutor, you need to remember a few useful rules.

Rules of ethics in social networks

1. Do not try to forcefully draw attention to your person!

Today, in one of the three ribbons, you can find inscriptions like: “everything is bad”, “life has lost its meaning”, etc. With such phrases, people try to attract the attention of others. This behavior is not allowed. Often it just causes irritation.

Before posting such inscriptions, think about what your goal is. If you suffer from a lack of attention, try to find a solution to the problem in reality.

2. Down with egocentrism!

3. Don't post millions of lift bows!

4. Don't litter feeds with photos of your pets and meals!

You don't have to post every step you take. Photos of cats, dogs and other animals with hashtags like "mimimi".

It's even more unethical to regularly post pictures of what you're about to eat. For many, these photos cause irritation.

5. Don't demand an answer in a minute!

You can’t breed panic if you wrote to a person, but he did not immediately answer. Perhaps he had to move away from the computer. Often, opponents deliberately delay the response time in order to wait for angry nonsense from you. Then they will use it against you. Patience, more patience! Respect your interlocutor and do not put your interests above him.

6. Don't litter the page with quotes!

Another ethical violation is the oversaturation of the page with quotes. You may be considered a boring bore, immersed in introspection.

7. Write well and politely!

In terms of importance, literacy is not in the first place, and, nevertheless, it is very important. After writing the next phrase, make sure that there are no mistakes in it. Literacy will certainly cause respect and allow you to win over the interlocutor.

Do not write unknown abbreviations, especially do not use swear words if you don't want to be seen as an uncultured person.

8. Give up photoshop!

Do you know what the latest trend is on social media? Natural beauty is in fashion. Pseudo-attractiveness is tired! Say natural: "Yes!". Think about who you are fooling by posting your photo after photoshop on the net?

9. Don't abuse check-ins!

This "chip" was fashionable after it was invented. Today, using check-in is cool if you are relaxing in an unusual corner of the world. You should not check in in a store, on the street, in a bar and a gym - this is a clear overkill.

10. Do not break off relations with your soulmate through social networks!

This act causes anger, abomination, baseness. It is necessary to speak about such a serious decision directly in the eye. Those who break off relationships online prove their weakness and cowardice.

11. Do not discuss your friends in the comments!

It is at least indecent to talk about those present in the third person. Even if the comment remains invisible, it is still considered rude. Any messages are best sent via PM. In addition, you should not upload photos of your friends without getting their consent.

Another one sad story about self-esteem, not yet finished. Vera is a graceful brunette. It seems to touch it - it will break. No, looks are deceiving. Vera managed, after 20 years of marriage, to get away from husband is a tyrant. Moreover, the tyrant literally words - suppressed not only morally, but also beat often. And she gathered her will into a fist and was able to leave. Not so much for myself, but for the children. But when she left, she remembered that she was not yet old, she wanted to normal family. Wants to love and be loved. Wants to have a man by his side.

Where can a man come from if Vera turns pale and almost faints as soon as a representative of the strong half of humanity addresses her. She, so fragile and thin, feels like a clumsy cow as soon as a male silhouette looms nearby. A high-class professional - a programmer, she cannot connect two words, answering a man's question: " What time is it now?"

What to do? How to learn not to look stupid? It's minimum. Maximum - how to be able to show your best qualities which, for sure, is.

Why do you feel stupid?
Note that the title of the section does not say "look" stupid, but "feel" stupid. A person who knows that he is smart and moderately handsome will calmly react to the fact that he made a slip of the tongue in a conversation or almost fell out of the blue. Of course, the key here is self-esteem.

Where exactly is your “hole” in self-esteem? What suffers the most

Do you think you are not beautiful enough?
- Are you worried about your professional qualities?
-Lack of education?
Do you reproach yourself for raising your children incorrectly?

These words have nothing to do with reality. These are just OUTSTANDING words. This person did not wish you well. So why should you believe him? These words will be discarded, others will take their place.

The amazing thing is that as soon as you learn not to hear accusations inside you, the feeling of shame will pass. After all, shame is a childish reaction. The child inside you feels worthless and stupid because the parent scolds him.

But you are no longer a child. And an adult. This means that the adult who also makes up your soul can come forward. You will no longer react like a child, but like an adult. An adult, on the other hand, can calmly get out of any situation without damaging his self-esteem.

By the way, children also laugh at a person in an absurd situation. Adults will not pay attention to the curiosity. Or if they do, then with the goal of helping you solve the problem, and not “neighing together”.

If you really respect those people who surround you, do not expect a childish reaction from them - mockery. If they mock you, then there is reason to think - are these people important to you? After all, you are an adult, and they are children, stupid children, albeit with a large salary.

The moral is this: you look stupid only to yourself, because you are used to thinking that you are stupid.
To someone from the outside, you may look defenseless, charming, just ordinary.
What can I do to stop feeling stupid?

forgive and let go bad thoughts It won't work on its own, a psychologist will help. But you can identify these thoughts, bring counterarguments. Even collect data that 100% disprove the fact that you are stupid or ridiculous.

For example, take an intelligence test (available on the Internet). Visit a stylist or makeup artist who will tell you how to emphasize your beauty, and whether it is really worth worrying about the shape of your lips or nose.

The more specific the problem you are solving, the better.

That is, it is useless to say to yourself: "I have to stop looking stupid!"

And here is the phrase: I need to prepare phrases and words in advance in order to respond to taunts ”- this is already a solution.
"I need to buy comfortable shoes to be more stable."
“You need to learn to calm your breath so as not to blush”
“I will buy a good deodorant because I sweat during the meeting»

Do you think this is not a solution to the problem, but submission to it? Here and no. By doing so, you break vicious circle: low self-confidence - mistakes in behavior - criticism and self-criticism - even lower self-confidence.

Certainly, good people more than the bad ones. But there are bad ones along the way. They take pleasure in seeing how you "flow around" after criticism. It is useless to learn to resist in conversation. It is important to learn to "come out dry." The same tactics will help you with this as in a conversation with an aggressor husband. If you have not yet learned how to resist pressure in a conversation, the audio training “How to resist the aggressor in a quarrel?” will help you.

Shame on the situation.

The situation itself is most often the result of a combination of circumstances. You are not ashamed of the fact that the sun is behind the clouds today. It's embarrassing, embarrassing, but not ashamed. The situation is the same with you. Do you know what the butterfly effect is? A butterfly flapped its wings in one hemisphere of the Earth, causing a hurricane in the other hemisphere. So it is with you. Someone once put the documents on the table not very carefully, you touched them and dropped them. It so happened! This is not the fault of your clumsy hands, but a combination of circumstances.

There is such a word - karma. One of my clients told me how many things happen to him amazing cases. Or even if not amazing, but ordinary, then it’s all the same with him. 100 identical cars will go in a row - and it is his car that will be stopped by the traffic police. This is karma.

If so, then you just need to calm down. And learn to emerge victorious from any situation.

Although, it can be a shame for the situation if you yourself provoked it. These cases are said to be: “First we create problems for ourselves, and then we courageously overcome them!” To determine if this is your case, try to carefully analyze all the ridiculous situations for recent times in which you had to be. It is possible that you will find something in common between them. It is this common feature will help you understand if there is malicious intent or your regular oversight. Let's say if you constantly spill coffee on the keyboard - just don't put a cup of coffee in this place! Change your habits.

Ashamed of your reactions

How exactly do you behave when you find yourself in a ridiculous situation?

Someone knows how to react to awkward moments in a way that ends up looking charming. Others walk out of the situation as if nothing had happened. Still others “transfer arrows” - accuse someone of the fact that an oversight took place. What do you have? Blush, turn pale, mumble out of place or fall into a stupor?

Do you think I wrote it just like that, for the beauty of the syllable?

Here and no! Each verb must be parsed.

Blush and fade - it is a reaction at the level of the body.

Mumbling out of place- this is about phrases in response.

Fall into a stupor- it's about the speed of reaction and thinking.

So, you will need to influence the habits in all these areas. You can change your behavior, habits and reactions on your own if you have strong will. Usually, for this, they still turn to a psychologist working in the cognitive-behavioral direction of psychotherapy.

What happened to Vera?

The most important thing to remember is that the easiest way to solve problems is to approach them systematically. Your will power, awareness of reactions and emotions, identifying "harmful" scenarios, working with the body and appearance - all this together will not only help change behavior, but also completely change your life.

Let's remember our heroine, Vera. Despite her fragility, she turned out to be an "iron lady". She had the will to force herself to control her breath in awkward situation, she stubbornly forced thoughts to go in the direction in which it was necessary. Vera said that in moments when she wanted to fall through the ground, she closed her eyes and said to herself: “ Calmly! Could be worse"

Vera also said that two factors turned out to be decisive for her: the fear that time is running out, but nothing changes, and the attitude to what is happening, as to an experiment.

Yes, my heroine was worried that every day she was getting older, the chances of building new life less and less. This spurred her to "bother" less, to think more about the result she was striving for. She looked at herself the way Pygmalion looked at Galatea as he sculpted her from ivory. Not raising the bar, but loving in advance. Likewise, you are not afraid to love, even if you are far from ideal. Thank yourself for being yourself.

In invitations to a wedding, birthday, theater premiere or official events, you can always see wishes for a dress code. What is hidden behind the concepts of white tie or black tie? For many, the dress code is associated with office style, so guests often translate the requirements verbatim and appear in white and black ties, respectively. In order not to get into a mess on a responsible evening, we invite you to read this article and figure out together what the organizers want.

white tie

Remember the Titanic characters? So, since those times white tie has not changed.

Girls are instructed to wear their best floor-length evening gown, avoiding bright colors and contrast accessories. It is desirable to have gloves of suitable length, as well as a fur cape or bolero. Make-up should be as restrained as possible, in soothing colors, and hair should be tied up in a hairstyle. Strictly stiletto heels, clutch small size and no strap. Jewelry is allowed only from precious metals and with real stones.

Men should choose a classic black tailcoat, under which they must wear a three-button vest white color. The shirt must also be white. Be sure to have a white tie or bow tie, from which, in fact, the name of this dress code came from.

The white tie dress code is considered to be the strictest; fortunately, such events are extremely rare, they are associated with various receptions where dignitaries are present among the guests.

black tie

This type of dress code is less formal than the previous one. Black tie is used at social events, theatrical premieres, weddings and various awards. However, this does not mean that you can take out your favorite mini dress and put on plastic jewelry. Liberties are simply acceptable, for which the organizers of the event with white tie would simply not let you in to the reception. For example, girls are given a wider palette of acceptable colors to choose from, including bright ones, as long as they look concise.

The dress should be no longer than the knee, preferably to the floor. Of the accessories, expensive jewelry is allowed. As shoes, it is recommended to choose laconic shoes with heels. Hair can be left loose, but make a beautiful styling. Makeup is more relaxed and bright than white tie, the main thing is that everything looks as elegant as possible.

For men, a strict smart suit or tuxedo, white shirt, black tie or bow tie is prescribed. From shoes - unvarnished oxfords.

If the invitation has a “creative black tie” dress code, then bright and original accessories are allowed.

cocktail

Usually they write this on invitations to informal parties, for example, on the occasion of a birthday, opening of an exhibition, presentation. If there is a postscript "formal", then this means that the dress should cover the knees. It can be plain or with an interesting print, a sheath dress with exquisite accessories is acceptable. You can choose any cocktail dress to your taste, even a mini is allowed, but the arms and shoulders must be covered. Shoes, again, with high heels, ballet flats will be inappropriate, as well as sneakers that have been popular recently. Do not forget about beautiful styling and makeup. Bright accents are acceptable - the main thing is not to overdo it.

Men also should not relax. If the formal cocktail dress code is indicated, then a tie or bow tie is needed, a suit is acceptable in dark shades. In other cases, you can do without a tie and choose a light suit or a bright, but muted shade. Various prints are acceptable.

Business or smart casual

Speaking about the dress code, one cannot but mention the office style. In many companies, it is absent, and employees are given complete democracy in choosing clothes. As a result, colleagues do not work, but contemplate the key trends of the fashion season - crop tops, acid colors, eccentric prints, very wide flares and much more, which is not very appropriate in the office. Even if your company does not have a dress code, we recommend accustoming yourself to the classic style of clothing. Still, it's discipline. So, there are three types of business dress code.

BB (Business Best) - the most strict, similar to white tie, only intended for daytime. Used in important negotiations and meetings. The woman must be dressed in a dark blue, black or gray suit, consisting of a jacket and a skirt, trousers are not allowed. Tights should be tight and without a pattern, shoes with a heel of 3-5 centimeters. Men should choose a navy blue suit, white shirt, dark red tie and dress shoes.

BT (Business Traditional) - a less strict look. Suitable for typical office dress code. Women can wear trouser suits or classic sheath dresses, men can wear fitted suits. Various accessories are also allowed.

If your dress code is not regulated, then focus on general variant. It implies an office style with acceptable indulgences. Girls can wear the recently popular suiting culottes, a colorful tweed jacket, a pleated skirt and much more. In addition, there is freedom in choosing shoes. Of course, it’s better to forget about a platform or a high hairpin. But a man, instead of a suit, can wear trousers with collars in combination with turtlenecks and cardigans.

Now incomprehensible words will become a mere formality for you, which will help you to hold an important event in a decent way. How do you feel about the dress code?

Speaking well is simply thinking out loud well. Joseph Ernest Renan

Communication with strangers always associated with the fear of seeming stupid: to say something wrong, to do something wrong and thereby spoil the impression of oneself. This excitement is normal, because the second attempt to produce good impression you won’t, which is why it’s so important not to look stupid in the conversation with which you open an acquaintance.

The obsessive and unreasonable fear of looking stupid is called social phobia. This is serious psychological problem, which has nothing to do with natural excitement in stressful situations.

It should be understood that everyone can say or do stupid things, for this it is not necessary to be stupid person. This is not yet a characteristic and, moreover, not a diagnosis. Often people speak out of place, out of place, stray or do not say what they want to say, because of confusion, excitement and excessive zeal. Constant self-control leads to the fact that a person spends all his attention on himself in an attempt not to seem stupid in communication, and because of this, he is completely turned off from a real conversation.

In what situations can we look stupid and why

To answer the main questions of our article about how to be free in communication and stop being afraid to seem stupid, let's look at the main situations in which stiffness and self-doubt are especially relevant.

In an unfamiliar company.

On a date or first contact with a member of the opposite sex.

At the interview and in any other communication with a potential employer.

Among professionals or amateurs in a field in which you are poorly versed.

In an unfamiliar company

Any circle of people who know each other and communicate closely has its own unspoken format of communication. There are things that are customary and not customary to do or say - the same "charter" that each "monastery" has its own. For example, in one society it may be customary to address each other as "you", in another - as "you", and in both cases you will look like a "foreign body" if you break the rule.

In an unfamiliar company big mistake there will be an attempt to impose their own rules on others or to criticize existing ones.

Take a look at your surroundings. Sometimes it can be useful to copy the manner of communication of others, sometimes - to ask a question in the spirit of “wouldn’t it be impolite of me if I say / do this”, etc. Openness, tact and desire to join the team without fawning and flattery will always be appreciated.

Date or first meeting

most delicate and subtle communication- this is communication with the opposite sex, unthinkable without worries and experiences of all stripes. It is noteworthy that romantic relationship Stupidity in all its diversity is characteristic: after all, they say that there is nothing more stupid than a man in love. Most often, these are very cute nonsense that do not spoil communication as much as they are part of it and give it that same romantic flavor.

Wanna show up interesting interlocutor? Your interlocutor wants it too. Let him feel that you are truly interested in him, and reciprocity will not keep you waiting.

But on the first date or at the first attempt to make an acquaintance, it is too early to talk about romance, it is important here to make a first impression, which will serve as the foundation for the development of relations. pledge positive impression in this case, there will be attention to the interlocutor. Talk about yourself as little as possible unless you're asked, and if you're asked, make sure it's not a polite question. Fill awkward pauses with questions, don't be afraid to be curious: it's much worse if you are considered uninterested.

Interview

The more prestigious and profitable the vacant position, the more demands the employer makes on the applicant, the more reasons for the applicant to worry and stress before an important interview. The dumbest interviewers are those who:

• too diligently hide their excitement behind a mask of indifference - a defensive reaction to stress makes a person behave arrogantly and dismissively, as if he is providing a service to the employer, it always looks fake and never meets sympathy;
• brag too much - to talk about their real achievements in the language of facts and figures is not boasting. “I graduated with honors”, “thanks to my marketing strategy, sales increased by 40% in the first half of the year” - these are all verifiable facts that cannot be hushed up. “Yes, as a specialist, there is no price for me”, “no one in this city knows their business better than me” - this is bragging.

In a community of professionals

The fear of looking stupid in front of people who are more knowledgeable in the subject matter pushes different ways compensate for ignorance. Someone prefers to remain silent and listen, while others do everything to look no less knowledgeable. The dumbest person is the ill-informed who argues with the well-informed.

It is not a shame not to know, it is a shame not to be interested, it is even more shameful to try to appropriate non-existent knowledge.

The desire not to lose face is sometimes so high that the arguments are literally sucked out of the finger and cause bewilderment among the interlocutors. In most cases, people around will try to tactfully change the course of the conversation, but the impression of the incident will remain in their memory for a long time.

Not only a person who said a stupid thing at the wrong time and out of place, but also a person who has nothing to say can look stupid in a conversation. This, of course, may be the result of a lack of intelligence or a narrow outlook, but much more often it is the result of excitement and shyness.

How to avoid pauses in a conversation, to liberate yourself and become a connoisseur of the art of communication? Our selection of seven simple tips will help you with this.

1. First, stop asking too much of yourself: you don't have to be afraid to look like a layman in a hockey fan community if figure skating is your favorite sport. You do not have to be highly versed in all areas, and no one expects this from you but yourself. There is an awkward pause as you contemplate what would be so smart to say.
2. Your attention should be focused not only on how to sparkle with your mind and amaze everyone with your ability to express thoughts, but also on the words, actions, emotions of the interlocutors. Otherwise, a well-thought-out speech will turn into a monologue, a “one-sided game”.
3. In drama school, teachers constantly remind students that communication involves dialogue with asking each other questions. Your real interest in the positions of the interlocutor, his opinion and emotions, will have a beneficial effect on the conversation, help to avoid awkward pauses and a false impression.
4. Know how to continue the conversation, remembering new facts: link the conversation about mushrooms with the secrets of home canning, if this, of course, is appropriate. Your flexibility and mobility in topics of conversation will be the main quality of a good interlocutor.
5. Do not be afraid of easy topics for discussion, talking about nothing, because this has its own charm. You need to be able to relax, forget about work. Focus on building confidence, humor, and visualizing your success. If you are communicating with a stranger, then do not be shy, imagine that you are connected by a long and strong friendship, that you have something to talk about.
6. Talk about topics that you know a little about. Don't be afraid to say that chemistry is only the tenth subject on the list that interests you, but there are many topics that interest you more.
7. Try to read a lot, expand your horizons, vocabulary.

Try to learn how to speak at a speed of 120 words per minute, which is exactly what you will develop in a communication training. Pay attention to the frequency of your speech, diction, volume, the presence of pauses. Learn to control your emotions so as not to scream.

Communication skill is very important. It needs to be constantly developed and improved. The more interesting communication with you, the more possibilities will open before you.

But in order to become a desirable conversationalist, in addition to a variety of interests and eloquence, you will also need a little restraint to avoid some mistakes. Here are the main ones:

1. Bragging

Some people are sure that bragging new car or large earnings, they will be able to impress others. This is partly true. They will impress the surrounding ... fools. Smart people will find them empty and uninteresting. When someone consciously tries to elevate himself, it immediately catches the eye and, as a rule, such efforts cause the exact opposite effect.

2. Too many tips

3. “And I ... and I ... and I have ...”

There are people who can discuss only one topic - themselves. They turn any dialogue into a monologue about themselves. It's annoying. Here are a couple of the most common ways to brand yourself as a disgusting interlocutor:
a) Constantly interrupt your interlocutors in mid-sentence with the phrase: “What is it, here I am!” and start telling your story.
b) During the dialogue, instead of listening to the interlocutor, just wait for your turn to speak.
c) Try to move any conversation to a topic of interest to you and desperately continue to cling to it even after it dries up.
d) Talk too much.

4. Gossip

We decided to discuss with a new acquaintance the disgusting outfit of the lady opposite, the dirty hair of a mutual friend, or last novel your neighbor? Then don't be surprised if this is your last conversation with this person. Gossiping and discussing others is an amateur activity. Of course, such conversations give a feeling of superiority over others, but at the same time, they include a lot of negative points. They are boring, useless and leave a nasty aftertaste. In addition, if you are happy to discuss others, your interlocutor can easily think that as soon as he moves away and you take over, this will kill any desire to communicate with you.

5. Fear of making a mistake

One of the biggest mistakes in conversation is constant fear to make a mistake. When a person is too focused on making the impression of a pleasant conversationalist, it immediately catches the eye - he picks up every word, and his thoughts are focused somewhere deep inside, and not on the dialogue itself. It needs to be easier. Think what you say and say what you think.

How to avoid these mistakes? The answer is simple. Focus less on yourself. All of the above problems are rooted in too great attention to your own Self. Don't let your ego go out of control and enjoy the fellowship.

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