How to deal with a drunk father. How to behave with an alcoholic to avoid problems

Hi friends!

Very often one hears questions: “How to talk with an alcoholic? How to convey to him that drinking is bad? How to talk to him so that he thinks?

Unfortunately, everything depends mainly on the desire of the alcoholic himself to change something in his alcoholic life, but understanding the experiences of relatives, I will try to answer these questions in a few sentences.

Establishing honest and serious communication with an active alcoholic is very difficult, because of the pain that it brings.

If you're in a similar relationship right now, don't judge yourself, much less the alcoholic, too harshly. It won't change anything.

Ask yourself, how long have you had a heart-to-heart talk? Maybe you grew up in families where this was not accepted, and not only did you not talk about the dangers of alcohol, but in general, no problems were discussed at the round kitchen table?

Someone will now object that it is a thankless task to have conversations with an alcoholic and that he is a washed-up person who has “one way”. Etc. etc.

Surely, in those moments when, suddenly, there is at least some slightest desire to talk with an alcoholic, you caught yourself thinking: “Do I need to talk? Why do I need all this?

Most likely, these conversations are “impossible” because of the desire not to destroy the latter and to maintain at least some seemingly stable position in the family, even at the cost of the fact that this does not lead to anything good.

But, if you are determined and, in spite of everything, want to talk with an alcoholic, despite the fact that it is uncomfortable and scary; when you decide not to give up, then self-respect and a sense of dignity and….

Talking seriously with your alcoholic partner for the first time is not an easy task. This is easier to do if you practice, rehearse.

Feel free to ask a close friend to help with this, or practice at home by yourself in front of a mirror. This will give you courage.

So, you are the spouse of an alcoholic, and your partner came home late, drunk, woke up the children and started screaming, swearing, and so on. He does all this from his own weakness, but, nevertheless, it is terribly angry.

You remain irritated and embittered. And it's not the best time join the discussion!

Timing

The next day he is "hungover" sitting at the table. It's up to you to decide whether or not now is the time to talk.

The idea is not to take revenge while he or she is helpless. As long as your partner is even a little drunk, talking to him is pointless, all words will be thrown to the wind.

He will “go on the defensive”, will not understand anything and will not remember anything later. The best thing to do is to wait until he is sober enough to listen.

Sit next to me and say, as calmly as you can, “I have something to tell you. Please listen to me."

Correct inner position

This kind of conversation is not easy. Try to find in yourself at least a drop of sympathy and empathy, remember that your partner is now confused, he is ashamed.

Keep in mind not your own resentment, but main idea: alcoholism is your enemy. The person sitting in front of you is not your enemy, but the illness of this person. Empathy and compassion are good for both of you, you both have to fight this enemy.

Start like this: “Yesterday you came in drunk. You woke up the kids and yelled at me." Any response can be. But it does not matter. While this is not a conversation, but only the beginning. You indicate that there is a problem and you have many feelings about it.

Talk about your feelings

The next step is to say how you really feel: “You really scared me last night” or “It hurts me when you act like this. When you're drunk, you say impossible things." Pause.

Continue: “You woke up and scared the kids. I am very worried when I think about how this will affect them and our relationship. You're terrible when you're drunk."

Or “I can’t live like this anymore. This must be stopped. The person I married (married) is no more. What are we going to do about it?"

Be constructive

At this anxious and tense moment, one may encounter irritation, with questions like “Is this an ultimatum?”. Try to do without dramatization and strong emotions.

It is important to be calm and honest about your feelings about your alcohol problem.

The point is to work your way towards understanding the harm that illness is doing to you and your relationship in the gentlest and most peaceful way possible.

Scream, accusations will not lead to anything good. The partner will defend himself, shout back, a scandal will break out, after which only emptiness, resentment, pain will remain.

If you want, yell and vent in front of a close friend if you need to. At home, choose a different tactic.

Be persistent

It doesn't matter how often your partner drinks. Daily, weekly, once a month. Your course of action must remain the same.

Of course, except when you or the children are in danger. Then, first of all, you need to leave the house and go to friends, relatives or where you can be sheltered.

Surely, whenever you start a conversation with your partner again, in response you will hear a lot of stormy promises, vows that "never again."

Don't fall for these assurances. Often these promises are made only to end a painful conversation. Ignore oaths. They are empty and will never be fulfilled. You may hear "I'll stop, just stop sawing me."

Be persistent: “Please listen to me first. Discussion later."

Be Consistent

Calmness is your best assistant in this issue. Try to think less about what last time did not help that there is no effect yet. Be patient and persistent.

Don't come up with any action plans. The action plan will make sense after the conversation and reflection on it from both sides.

In the meantime, stand your ground: convince your partner of the need to be treated for an illness that he suffers from and that destroys yours. common life. Try to be honest.

The way it can be best friend, protecting his friend from a vicious and unscrupulous enemy. Alcoholism is such an enemy. This enemy will not stand against calmness, honesty and sincere truth.

He loves scenes, screams, suffering, scandals. But " strong people you don't have to be loud."

Be consistent and one day...

I want this moment to come as soon as possible.

Good sobriety and health to all!

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Aggression occurs due to drinking alcohol above the norm (for example, the norm of vodka is 3.75 ml per kg of weight).

Ethyl alcohol directly affects the part of the brain that is responsible for the perception of reality and awareness. The higher its level in the blood, the more inadequate a person becomes.

All words and actions are taken personally.

Another reason for aggression is psychological trauma. In this case, you need to find out what the alcoholic is running from or because of what he is trying to go into an uncontrollable state.

Aggression also occurs due to psychological disorders, impulsiveness of character and head injuries.

There are several types of aggression, and in each case it is worth understanding the algorithm of actions. This condition is not congenital, but acquired, so first you should figure out why it occurs. We will talk about this later.

Types of drunken aggression

In order not to double the effect of anger, but to minimize it, consider the following information.

View	Description
Physical	Most dangerous. A person behaves inappropriately and unpredictably with the use of physical violence.
Verbal	It refers to the verbal expression of emotions. Insults, profanity against a specific offender.
Straight	Similar to physical aggression plus complete unconsciousness of actions.
Indirect	A person is aware of what he is doing, and at the same time takes out evil on someone alone or on a group of people.
altruistic	Based on a heightened sense of justice. An aggressive person is trying to protect someone's interests. He will not rest until all conditions are met.
Autoaggression	Most often it is anger at oneself and at one's life. Dangerous because it can provoke suicide.

Ways to calm an alcoholic

After assessing the condition of a drunk person, it's time to act.

First, try talking to him. Do it calmly and measuredly, then it will be possible to neutralize outbursts of rage.

With a drunk, you need to behave normally, as if nothing had happened.

Remember the good moments in life (this will help fight anger attacks).
Create the feeling that you are at one with him (so he will not react violently to your words).
Indulge in desires and do not argue, transfer the conversation to calmer topics (then the anger will begin to subside).

When to seek outside help

It is known that 20% of domestic violence cases are due to alcohol. In such situations, you need to talk with a sober person and, and then go to a special clinic.

Specialists in the clinic will find out the cause of alcohol consumption and relieve the person from addiction by prescribing treatment. And along with the addiction, the problems of aggressive behavior will also go away.

When to Call the Police

When the situation gets out of control.

For example, if a drunk picks up a knife and threatens to kill you. If you can't run away, invite the person to sit down and have another drink, talk about what's bothering them. Speak calmly and don't be nervous. The way is risky, but it can calm aggressive person and buy time.

Never say that you called the police. This will further anger the drunken man.

What to do if a person in a state of alcoholic or drug intoxication? How to behave so as not to aggravate the situation? How to avoid conflict and not hurt yourself? We talked to a psychologist Jeanette Volchek.

ZHANETTA VOLCHEK
psychologist

How does the consciousness of a drunk person change?

According to structure transactional analysis, human behavior can be regarded from three positions: as an adult, when we are "here and now"; as a parent, when our behavior is similar to the authoritative adult from childhood; like a child, when we behave in the same way as in childhood.

What happens when a person drinks alcohol? At first, he thinks that he will drink only one glass and stop - that is, he is in the state of a controlling parent. He drinks, the position of the parent weakens in his mind, the adult remains. Another glass, then another and another - and the adult also falls asleep. The child remains. And when a person lets go of his psyche, his essence manifests itself: some are kind, soft and fluffy, while others have internal blocks, it manifests itself covert aggression. And then it doesn’t matter to him that you are just a passer-by from the street, and not his unloved wife or a boring boss - he just needs to break loose on someone and let off steam.

The next morning after drinking, a person wakes up, and the reverse process occurs: he sobers up and returns from a child to an adult state, he feels bad “here and now”, he realizes what he did yesterday, and begins to blame himself from the position of a parent.

And in the case of drugs, everything happens the same way?

No, it's a slightly different state. A person in alcoholic intoxication is in reality, and in drug intoxication he leaves it. People with drug addiction more difficult to accept both themselves and the world around them. And if a drunk person usually manifests himself outside, then drug intoxication makes him go inside, plunge into illusions. But it is better to behave when meeting with such people in the same way.

How to behave in collisions with drunk people?

If you saw somewhere on the street, or in a crowd, or at a bus stop, a drunk person or a whole company of “drunk”, then the first thing to do is just get around. It is best to avoid such people. Wait until they are removed. If you are in a hurry and need to pass them, go around on the other side. If the company is noisy, do not sit with her in public transport because if one inadequate person- this is a small evil, then the whole company is like nuclear bomb from which it is not clear what to expect.

The second rule - it is better not to communicate with drunk people. If they start to tell you something, suddenly make claims - try to evade, but in no case show aggression in response. There is no need to blame a person, to say that he is such and such - this will cause even more negativity on his part. On the contrary, give him a compliment, say something like: “You are so interesting (smart, mature, handsome, etc.), but you know, I’m in such a hurry, thank you very much, but I can’t help you with anything,” and leave. That is, try to smooth the situation as much as possible and at the same time get rid of this communication as soon as possible. Show consent, but not approval - otherwise you will also be called for a drink (laughs).

What to do if drunk people start pestering in the city or, for example, at a festival?

Try to go to a place where there are a lot of people - and more sober ones. Because some are drunk on others - and you can cause a serious fight. If the person still does not lag behind - shout. Often men are afraid of tantrums, and this will slow them down a little. If there are representatives of law enforcement agencies nearby, it’s generally fine, feel free to move towards them.

But here, again, the main rule is to try to avoid as much as possible a collision with people who are under something. Because they are unpredictable, and you never know what to expect from them in the next minute. Often women think that they can chat them up, move the conversation to another topic and quietly retire. But no. It is not known who you can remind a drunk person in the process of communication, how it will explode his psyche and what kind of aggression it will result in. Therefore, it is better not to talk to drunk people and people in a state of drug intoxication at all.

And if they stick not to me, but to a girl nearby?

Try to bring down the situation as much as possible. For example, you run up to this girl, shout: “Oh, Lenka, hello! Look what's there! - Grab your hand and run away. Thus, you reduce the pressure of the molesters and take the victim to a safer place.

If you see that the situation has already gone far and such actions will not help, look for more adequate people nearby. It is desirable to have a company of young people, because if the guy is alone, then he can pass. Say that your girlfriend is being molested (do not say that this is a stranger), ask for help while you run after the police. As long as they go and make out you're looking for law enforcement or send someone after them. With such actions big conflict will not be inflated, because the sober side will understand that the police will come soon and there will be no arbitrariness or some kind of lynching.

What if they approach me with a knife in the evening?

It is better to give money and leave. We will not be able to adequately assess the possibility of escaping in such a situation. If a person has a knife or other dangerous object in his hand, this is already a threat - regardless of whether he is going to use it or not. Screaming and calling for help, you can both save yourself and, on the contrary, worsen the situation: he will simply stab you, grab your bag and run away. Therefore, it is better not to make any sudden movements, give everything that the attacker wants, and gently step back, get out of the attacker's field of vision - and their eyes are usually clouded. No need to spare money, documents or other junk. This will all be made up or even found - no one needs your documents. The person will most likely take the money and throw away the bag with the rest of the contents. Better think about the fact that life is more expensive - and you need to save it first of all.

How to live with a person who has an alcohol addiction? How to live with an alcoholic husband? This topic is relevant for many families whose house has come to the trouble called alcohol addiction. Is it necessary to put up with an alcoholic husband or is it necessary to put the question point-blank: either I or the bottle? What do experts think about this, what advice do they give to wives whose husbands drink?

How to behave with an alcoholic: is it necessary to deal with the alcoholism of a loved one?

Many relatives (children, spouses, parents) are trying in every possible way to save native person: they take him to the doctors, put candles in the church for health, hide money, forbid drinking alcohol at home. But such a struggle does not make any sense. Because if a person himself does not decide to stop drinking, then no efforts of relatives will help.

Alcoholism is mental illness, which can be cured only by specialists - narcologists-psychiatrists

Awareness of the fact that the husband is alcoholic

Many women do not fully believe that their husbands are alcoholics. They think, “Why does he come home drunk? Why is he constantly irritated, angry, and when I pour him a drink, he blossoms? The answer is simple: "Because he is sick with alcoholism." A woman must accept and understand this fact.

How to live with a drinking husband?

First of all, we must accept the fact that we cannot change a person. It is impossible to forcibly rid him of addiction. Even if you do not pour vodka into his glass at home, he will still find a place where he can drink. Here it is important to convey to the person the importance of his condition. And if this thought is brought to his mind, then he himself will want to stop drinking. Only self awareness own problem help a person cope with addiction.

It is important to maintain constant contact with your husband.

How to live with an alcoholic in the same apartment, if he has recently become addicted?

If you want to save your relationship, your family, then you don’t need to leave your husband. It is necessary to help him. How? You need to load him with household chores, not do his work. If the wife constantly travels for groceries herself, picks up children from kindergarten or schools, and so on, then the husband will get used to it and will think: “How wonderful everything is. I can drink, my wife does everything for me.”

To avoid frequent drinking, it is worth loading your husband with household chores

In no case should you take on his duties. If the husband has a task - to pick up the child or go to help the parents, then you should not take the initiative into your own hands. You need to trust him, and if he is not yet a completely reckless person, then he will be able to learn to control himself.

How to deal with an alcoholic husband? Psychologists' advice

Do not succumb to your husband's provocations, do not give him money, learn to say no. If a husband asks for money, arguing that he needs to repay a debt, and you understand that this money will go to drink, then do not give it to him. Let him go and earn them himself. To earn money, he will have to work. And a drunk worker will be quickly fired, so the husband will have to go to work in a sober state.
You can not succumb to blackmail, threats of her husband. So husbands test the boundaries of acceptable behavior and the degree of blind love and endurance of wives. If a husband tells his wife to pour him a glass of vodka, otherwise he will quit his job, then you do not need to follow his lead and do what he orders. Let him try to quit, but then he will have to look somewhere for money for another bottle.
You can not make indulgences, exceptions, pamper him. If the spouses have an agreement that the husband does not drink at home on weekends or on holidays, then you do not need to buy alcohol on such days, as if it were a sign of a good gesture. This will be an excuse for him to start drinking again.
No need to focus only on life with drinking man. Every woman has her own preferences, desires, circle of friends and acquaintances. You need to learn to abstract, take time for yourself. How more problems wife decides drinking husband, the deeper she delves into this difficult situation. It becomes very difficult for her to comprehend what is happening, she begins to get nervous over trifles, quarrel with other relatives or acquaintances, and become depressed. Fully immersed in the problem alcohol addiction husband, wife prevents him from getting his own life experience, the truth about himself and about the life he lives. If you start paying more attention to yourself, then the husband will learn to rethink his existence, understand that he needs to live differently, look not at the bottle, but at the things that are happening around him.
You can't be scared emotional state sick person, his aggressive and inappropriate behavior. The more a spouse sympathizes with, scolds, or fears her husband, the more likely the husband is to continue drinking.

Changing attitudes towards the problem of alcoholism

Many wives, seeing that the faithful have come once again “drunk”, cry, swear at them, beat them, and so on. You can't do that. You need to reconsider your behavior, push aside all the usual that a husband expects from his wife. It is necessary to stop reacting violently or forcing the husband to code. If this scheme did not work initially, then it will not start working later. The husband will simply get used to the words, and will no longer respond to them.

How to live if the husband is an alcoholic? Cardinal decision

Many psychologists strongly recommend ending a relationship with a drinking person. If the wife continues to live with her drinking husband, only intimidates him that she will leave, but does not, then he will soon begin to perceive this situation as appropriate. But if she really starts to pack, planning to live separately, then at this stage, many men begin to think: “What if she really leaves me?”.

If the husband begins to persuade his wife to stay with him, then the task of the wife is not to tell him, but to set a condition for him: either he goes to be treated by a specialist (and not just quit drinking himself) or in a month she leaves him forever.

Can a husband be allowed to drink if he asks his wife for permission?

There are situations when, after a husband's drinking, the wife stops talking to him, quarrels with him. After reconciliation, the husband decides to temporarily stop abusing alcohol. But time passes and he is again drawn to a glass. He asks his wife for permission to drink on the condition that she will not scold him afterwards. How to be in this case: to give the husband permission or not? After all, if you forbid, then he can break loose, and if you allow, then he will begin to abuse kindness?

Psychologists advise in this case to do this: the wife needs to understand why her husband has a desire to drink or why he cannot stop?

After considering these questions, you can decide:

If the husband cannot stop, then he should not drink at all. The wife must forbid him to take alcohol if he asks her permission.
If a person can restrain himself, not go into a binge, then you need to do it moderately, but with the whole family. For example, allow him to drink 2-3 glasses at a family holiday. Be sure to support him in this. That is, do not continue to drink when he cannot, but remove the bottle from the table, do not drink to everyone present.

How to live with an alcoholic husband if he is aggressive: psychologist's advice

Experts recommend isolating yourself from such a person. The wife must take the children from an inadequate father and go to grandparents, friends, etc. You can not react to the aggressive behavior of an alcoholic, enter into discussions and disputes with him. A drunk person will calm down faster if he is left alone.

Publish the issue. It is necessary to gather all close relatives and have a serious talk with a drinking person. In no case should you hide the fact that the husband drinks, because he will get used to it and everything will suit him. When for round table the whole family will gather, and everyone will express their arguments regarding alcoholism to the sick person, then the person will think and understand how serious this problem is.
Do not try to influence the husband when he is intoxicated. Many wives clearly know what to do with a drunken husband, but they are lost and do not know what to say when the faithful is sober. They hush up, do not talk about their experiences, and men understand that they can get away with it. The task of a woman is not to scold her husband, to beat him when he is in an inadequate state, but to convey to him all her pain and suffering when he is sober.
You need to try to control yourself, try to reduce conflict with a drinking husband. If the spouse came home in an inadequate state, then there is no need to rush at him with fists, scream, you need to put him to bed, give him the opportunity to sleep. It is advisable to talk to a person when he is sober.
It is necessary to periodically remind the husband, but not to focus daily on the fact that he needs to stop drinking. The task of relatives is to convince the patient, and not force him to take his head, turn to specialists, admit himself to be an alcoholic, after all.

What can not be done if the husband drinks heavily?

You can’t give empty threats, because soon a man will get used to them.
You can not argue, reproach your spouse, enter into a discussion with him if he is drunk. Be sure to remain calm, confident and firm in behavior.
No need to hide alcohol or pour out its contents. It won't help the addict because he can always go and buy another bottle.
It is impossible to solve his problems: to repay debts, to justify himself to his superiors. Let him be responsible, grow up, in the end.

No need to control the amount of alcohol you drink

No need to drag him out of the tavern on your shoulders. May he wake up one day where he fell asleep. Perhaps then he will realize how deplorable his condition is.
You need to be consistent. If the spouses decide that drinking is taboo in their house, then this line of behavior must be strictly adhered to. No unforeseen situations, such as the arrival of distant relatives or a birthday, should spoil their arrangements.
You can’t “serve” binges, that is, give money for alcohol, put snacks on the table, they say, if he drinks, then let him at least have a snack.
You can not leave your husband, unless you have decided to leave him completely. The wife should look for time for joint rest, try to protect him from bad company, thoughts about alcohol.
You can not feel sorry for her husband or complicity. For alcoholics, this is akin to a green light, this is an occasion for further binges. Even worse is the joint drinking of drinks. It is for this reason that women often get drunk with their husbands.
You can't shame your husband in front of other people. If he suffers from alcohol addiction, then such actions of his wife will only strengthen in his mind the fact that now everyone knows about his problem, about the reality in which he is.
You should not try to cripple your husband in order to prevent him from meeting with drinking companions.
It is impossible to expel a husband on the street if he is in a state of intoxication. There he can freeze, get into a fight with someone, get hit by a car, etc.

How to live with a coded husband?

Hooray, The final stage in the fight against such evil as drunkenness passed. Your husband has admitted to being an alcoholic and has been treated. Think this is it, the end? Evil ended, and a happy carefree life began? No, this is just the beginning. Relatives and friends should continue to support the coded person, because sooner or later he can break loose. How to behave further and not provoke a breakdown?

Here are some tips for you:

There is no need to overpraise a person who has recovered from alcoholism, constantly remember how good it is that he decided to take such a step. healthy image life is the norm, not a feat.
It is impossible to remind the husband of his past sins, behavior. Need to forget about scary times, try to start life from a new leaf.
You need to trust your spouse. You can’t constantly ask him if he drank today at work or at a corporate party, and even more so sniff him, interrogate him or express his suspicion.
There is no need to cancel festivities, events just because the husband stopped drinking and even more so voice it out loud.
You can't set an example for your spouse. The wife should support her husband in every possible way: do not drink if he has stopped, do not bring alcohol into the house.

Living with an alcoholic husband is very difficult for any woman: both a weak character and a strong self-confident wife. Only strong in spirit a woman can put the question point-blank: either she leaves him or he goes to be treated by specialists. And this is the right decision. Weak women will not take such a drastic step, so there is another option for them to solve the situation. They must realize the problem, help solve it with the help of all relatives, change the line of behavior towards the husband, help the sick person realize the depth of the problem, stop being a mother for him, give him the opportunity to solve his own troubles.

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AT recent decades Alcoholism is a disease of our society that has ruined more than one life. Addiction to alcohol is harmful not only to the one who drinks, but also to his environment. In the article we will tell you how to behave with an alcoholic and how to live further under the same roof with a drunkard husband.

1

If there is a person addicted to alcohol in the family, this is a terrible problem. To find mutual language and to have adequate communication with him is quite difficult. To begin with, it is worth analyzing the behavior of an alcoholic and choosing the right strategy. This will simplify communication, and perhaps over time you will be able to have a beneficial effect on the addicted person, and he will quit drinking of his own free will.

2

People suffering from alcoholism need a special approach. Many think about how to behave correctly, what can be done, what can be said, but not everyone knows what not to do. We offer advice from a psychologist on what not to do when dealing with an alcoholic person. First, an alcoholic who is in a state of intoxication, as a rule, hopes, returning home, that his wife or mother will not notice his drunken state. Let it be! You should not convict him of deceit here and now, it is better to play along with him, and leave the clarifications for the morning, or even for lunch.

Communication with an alcohol addict

In those situations when a patient with alcoholism has already reached the stage when the opinions of others and the consequences do not bother him, he sits at home with a bottle and drinks, you can’t take alcohol from him and pour it out, hide it. This will provoke not only a scandal, but also more undesirable consequences. For those who often encounter aggressive behavior alcoholics, it is very important to learn not to give in and not to show fear. In this case, seek protection from the police, and not from neighbors or friends. After all, your task is to calm the rowdy relative by the force of law.

If the evening passed quietly, you should not relax, because during the hangover period, alcoholics experience terrible agony. Familiar to many nausea, weakness and - these are "flowers" in comparison with the painful sensations of alcoholics. So, how not to carry yourself with an alcoholic during a hangover:

You can’t forcefully forbid a person to hangover and close him in an apartment, hide clothes.
Don't humiliate. When communicating, you do not need to call him an alcoholic, a nonentity and other abusive words.
Don't go for it. In no case do not give up the slack and do not pour the alcoholic, do not run to the kiosk for a rescue bottle of beer.
Do not defend the drunkard for his actions, which he did the day before.

3 The state of remission - what is the danger?

The binge goes away sooner or later different reasons. A drunkard consciously quits drinking, undergoes a course of treatment for alcohol addiction or, under pressure from relatives and relatives, still ties up drinking alcohol. During this period, behavior with a husband or son should be especially controlled. The advice of a psychologist will help you and a former alcoholic cope with a debilitating illness and live a full and fulfilling life.

No need to sniff and look at a former alcoholic in order to find out if he did not drink. Such behavior will only annoy.
Do not praise the person for not drinking anything in a long time. Sobriety is the norm of life, and not a feat that requires praise.
Refuse storage alcoholic beverages in home.
But to refuse the celebration of family celebrations and other feasts is not necessary. Take part in such activities, just make them sober.
Forget about the past and do not remember the sins of a former alcoholic, think about a brighter future and live here and now.

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