Find support in yourself. A fulcrum - you need to create strength in yourself from scratch

Emotional supports are complex and subtle matter. Without them, we tend to stick and merge with everyone we like. For example, most people understand that it is necessary to rely on oneself financially, or at least strive for this, right? But somehow emotional sphere is perceived by many as something that needs to be continuously shared with someone.

What does a girl, who does not feel either her boundaries or her supports, do in a relationship with a man? She, with whom she is connected, for example, by a pleasant circumstance or situation, spins it to the extent of falling in love (in her head), and then draws attention from the victim, who is unaware of anything. The girl wants to share everything that she sees around her axis with a new friend, she wants to notify him of joys and sorrows, she needs support and understanding, and between the lines it is clear that she lacks self-acceptance, she is looking for help from others, even without thinking that they are not responsible for it.

In such euphoria, it is easy to lose focus and cross the line. So often a new, barely born sympathy disappears in the bud, because no one owes you anything and your "rich inner world' has not become interesting to anyone yet. It is interesting to those who love you - the closest, all the rest are content with their worlds and at first keep apart, which is normal.

How are internal supports different from external ones? External refers to work, your hobbies and surroundings. But no matter how beautiful they are, they cannot be considered the last resort or a lifeline. Friends have the right not to give us what we need, so in difficult circumstances it is so important to be able to focus on yourself so that later you will not be disappointed in the lack of reaction of others.

What are these internal supports? By and large, these are your values ​​​​and guidelines for life. If you have a good idea of ​​them, you have obligations to yourself, you are guided by your ideas about morality, then this is the system that will always help you survive in the most contradictory cases and will energize you. Self-reliance is a miraculous source of self-esteem. So you are less dependent on the mood and promises of others, more following your own prescriptions. Do you hear your own inner voice rather than trying to guess the thoughts of others. But you should not go too far: self-reliance does not imply a total refusal of help. It's about the fact that you don't expect someone to take care of you or decide current issues. First of all, you will take care of them yourself, and if the resources are no longer enough, try to contact your loved ones.

What prevents you from recognizing your inner supports? Of course, infantilism in the first place! It is such a permission to not grow up, to be a little girl, unable to control her own will. Infantile girls always suffer and easily share their sacred problems with others. They immodestly declare it as some kind of their talent - to suffer and suffer. Everyone around is callous and silent, and they are people with a fine mental organization, which everyone strives to offend. Instead of stopping the process of dissolving in their own weakness, infantile young ladies stick and concentrate on it. This is vicious circle from which the only way out is through effort and action. That is, do not bathe in these experiences with all your friends, but simply get out of that topic and go to another. AT favourite hobby into work, into a normal, useful friendship.

A weak person always merges with others, because at the first problem she is not able to rely on herself, but is only able to worry and shout to the world about her misfortune. Therefore, supports are also about strength of mind and character. The most interesting thing is that the idea of ​​"becoming yourself" is actually the same as "becoming strong personality". Therefore, do not look for yourself in endless advice and motivating books, it is better to look for support and an inner core - this is you.

Another question that helps to feel real support: “What should I do?” It carries an invisible therapeutic effect and cools the ardor. For some reason in modern society it has become customary to say: “I owe nothing to anyone,” but the roots of this belief lie in the manipulation of other people. We do not live in an isolated world, and it is very important to understand what we truly owe - to society, family, close friends. It is important to respect and accept your belonging to others and to seek a balance between your own and other people's values. A person who denies his duty will not be happy, he will be isolated not only from external, but also from internal supports. Do you remember that the latter are formed thanks to useful activity and the ability to take responsibility? And, of course, think about what you really cannot do without.

This need is often not recognized. For example, it seems to you that you need freedom, but when faced with it, you feel panic, which means that you are not ready to take responsibility for this freedom. Think about it: almost any of our choices will be fine when we understand that we really need it and we are able to reconcile within ourselves all the contradictions that arise. And most importantly, what else is worth saying: do not blame your parents for the lack of your internal supports and the presence of dependencies on others. Only we ourselves are able to educate ourselves and rely on the true strength of the spirit, and not on our ego. And everyone has these powers!

If you take a closer look at the activity of people in this world, you will find that most of them, not knowing this, are in constant search for support. But in reality, people almost never find it, because there can be no true inner support in the outside world. Petr Zorin

When we internally focus on objective reality, our happiness begins to depend on the external world. And then the outside world is forced to continue to supply us with supports: material, emotional, financial, physical, related to relationships. If suddenly there is a failure and the supply stops, we are in a deep crisis. Petr Zorin

People who do not have inner support sometimes assume that it can be found in another person. Unexpected behavior loved one then it is regarded as the collapse of all supports. An attempt to compensate, in this way, for the lack of one's own internal support has never been successful for anyone.

If you are tired of straining, your self-confidence is gone, what you want no longer seems so alluring - all these actions were not connected with internal support.

To reach maturity, a person needs to overcome his desire to receive support from the outside world and find new sources of support in himself.

Maturity or mental health is the ability to move from relying on the environment and from regulating oneself environment to self-reliance and self-regulation. Frederick Perls

The main condition for both self-reliance and self-regulation is a state of balance. The condition for achieving this balance is the awareness of one's needs, the distinction between the main and the secondary.

The ability to rely on yourself sprouts and grows stronger around the time when you acquire the ability to do what you see fit. Do whatever your environment thinks about it. You yourself should have a sense of the importance of what you are doing.

Growing up, or maturity, occurs when a person mobilizes his strength and abilities to overcome depression, anxiety, disappointment, despair and fear arising from the lack of support from others.

A situation in which a person cannot take advantage of the support of others and rely on himself is called a dead end. Maturity lies in the ability to take risks in order to get out of an impasse.

The search for the guilty or the desire to manipulate deprive a person of a foothold. Recognition of one's responsibility opens up a sea of ​​possibilities, freedom and choice.

The fulcrum in oneself gives the realization that the source of happiness, stability, reliability is inside us, gives strength to meet different situations calmly, with wisdom and courage.

Self-reliance is love guided by inner wisdom and is independent of results from outside. It is not driven by fear, is not based on titles and ranks, points of view, property, money, specific person or some external activities. Davidji

The most powerful support in the world is love, the strongest support in life is the inner core. Juliana Wilson

People who have true internal support, are self-sufficient. They don't need someone to support them, prove them right, or comfort them. One of the very important features such people is their inner honesty with themselves. Petr Zorin

24.03.2015

Find your foothold

When you get out of depression, from a series of failures and defeats that have thrown you into a hole, you create strength in yourself. Your old strength, which led you to success for a long time and allowed you to achieve victories that you were proud of, has been destroyed. Now you need to create in yourself strength from scratch, a force that will lead you to new victories and achievements, which will allow you to conquer peaks that now seem inaccessible to you. Now your strength is much weaker than before. It's damn hard to get up and move forward. Start from scratch when everything burned down. Build everything anew when everything is destroyed.

Strength does not come immediately. At one point, you suddenly realize that you can no longer do anything. What used to seem easy, now seems unbearable. The old power is no more. All that remained was weakness and grief of disappointment. Depression that gnaws at you from the inside and does not make it clear for what to live on if all efforts were in vain. And do you need to live after all this ..

Day after day passes, and in the end you realize that you have reached a point below which you will no longer fall. You can call it the bottom. This is the very moment when you make a decision: either let everything go on as it is, getting even worse; or you, even if you have almost no strength left, but you are trying to direct, change life in your favor. Subdue her to your will.

And if you choose the second option, then you begin to recover - you begin to gain strength, creating it in yourself from scratch. Strength is felt in waves - then you feel that everything has become good again and you, as before, can do a lot. And suddenly the next day you again feel crushed and broken, and it seems that it is useless. Nevertheless, there is a struggle going on inside - and each new surge of strength seems more powerful and stronger than the previous one. And moments of weakness and despondency become rarer and weaker.

I have gone through this many times. Unfortunately I have to go through this again. How cool when everything is already built and you reach new heights with minimal effort. But a crushing blow destroys your powerful fortress of success and prosperity, and you are left with nothing. At first you can't believe it, then you can't deal with it... It takes a long time before you can find your new point supports, your bottom, from which you can push off.

I hope that I have found this point, and now everything will be different. I will try to create strength in myself from scratch. I wish good luck to site visitors. Separately, I want to thank everyone who supported me.

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The fulcrum is what allows us to feel confident and calm.

External points of support are what can cause addiction, because it is in the outside world: other people's approval, their opinion, their tips and advice, compliments, support, help, protection, love. These are always unsteady and temporary things that we are afraid of losing.

Internal points of support are what we can find inside ourselves and cannot lose in any way, because it is always with us. This is our inner resource, our inner peace, the support of our kind, connection with God, our own intuition and wisdom, our skills, our ability to build relationships with people and our ability to bring real benefit to other people.

The most important element spiritual development is the transition from external points of support - to internal ones. We stop relying on the outer, temporal, and instead rely on the inner, eternal.

For example, we develop our own intuition and wisdom, we understand that it is much more adequate than the opinion and advice of other people, and we begin to trust it.

For example, we learn what is the love of God, what is the support of our kind, and these feelings allow us to stop urgently needing the "love" of parents and other people in the form of their approval and good relationship to us. We have found love within ourselves, and it becomes a fulcrum.

Internal points of support do not give absolute independence. We are always dependent on other people, there is nothing wrong with that. We are social beings, we live at the expense of each other, helping each other, interacting, exchanging values.

What kind of independence do internal points of support give?

For example: you do not know how to create value for other people, in this case you depend on the person who agrees to pay you money for at least something. You will be afraid to upset this person because you are afraid that he will kick you out. And then you may not find someone who will pay you at least the same amount. You don't know what it is about you that makes you secure. Therefore, another person becomes your fulcrum, who is in your this moment pays money. And it's scary.

But if you know how to do something very useful, which few people can do, and realize this value of yours, then you have no fear and anxiety. You feel confident, you are not afraid that you will be fired or fired, because, firstly, this is unlikely, because you know what value you give, and secondly, you will instantly find other people who are already ready to pay you no less. Note that you still seem to be dependent on other people. But at the same time you are at peace and confidence. Because your foothold is not other people, but your ability to benefit people, with which you will always be provided and free enough.

If a woman is not yet capable of this, she will be jealous of her husband, she will be afraid that he will not give her the necessary abundance and security, that he may leave her, she begins to cut him, etc. Because the husband in this case is an external fulcrum.

Where there is an external point of support, there is always a fear of losing, a desire to hold and control.

What is within us does not need to be held or controlled. It's impossible to lose.

Lyrics first. An epigraph from Galchinsky: "I love your heart. Close. Near. And outside the windows - snow. And crows under the snowfall ..."

At 19 I had big love. From time to time I called and asked to come urgently to save me.

“I’ll come tomorrow,” said great love.

- Tomorrow? I feel bad today.

– Today itself. You can be saved every day.

And so it was - I easily plunged into despair and quickly, like a stone down, reached the bottom. I had this device. I had to learn to save myself. Get acquainted with the wording "I am reliable for myself" and enter, drive it into the subconscious. (More about methods later.) It helped. I imagine it in the form of a durable, flexible rod made of a defense alloy - letters in ligature along the spine: "I am reliable for myself."

But sometimes, less and less, it rolls. The rod weakens, the tie unravels, the forces flow out and seem to gather under the bed, like mercury. And hello, "I'm lying in such a huge puddle" ... And I can't get up. Once, in this state, I bought a new synthetic padding pillow, it seemed to me that the old feather pillow was stuffed with my black thoughts. And it won't dry out.

In another crisis, when "everything was bad", the psychologist gave me a task. She didn’t ask, didn’t advise, but she ordered me to do this: write down on A4 sheet what I like in life. What pleases. Not big, big, like world peace and universal harmony, but what is nearby is always at hand, trifles, all sorts of nonsense.

It was necessary to take your favorite pen, which is pleasant to touch in your hand and so that it leaves a soft, continuous, velvet mark on paper, step back the margins from above, to the right and left, and remember at least something. It was difficult for me to breathe, I did not want to eat or drink, nothing at all. But since I turned to a psychologist for help and was in his office, I had to think and write: I love ...

Your breakfast

My Armenian brass Turk ("she is 20 years old", for some reason I added),

The smell of ground coffee

When a sparrow flies to the window to peck crumbs (or a titmouse),

Look at a crow that sits under the snow on a tree: the flakes fall, but it does not even turn its head (and does not fly away).

The reception ended, I took the sheet home, and in the evening I took it out of my bag, crumpled, and added that I still love ...

Kiss children on the forehead, under the bangs (mother says it "smells like feathers" there),

Lie on your right side with a book

Write to friends: "Well, how is it?",

Your perfume Chanel Chance (and Chanel Allure, in the evening),

Your silver rings, especially the one with coral

When Gus calls for work, he says emphatically, "Mom..." and pauses,

When Asya asks: "You know what?" - and on the go comes up with what to say.

Before going to bed, when the lights are already off and usually I think about all sorts of household garbage (for which you don’t pay: light, water, meters, and that you need to buy buckwheat) or about the eternal (suddenly they will bury me alive, and I will wake up), I lay and sorted it out with a stream of thoughts about various cute things that fell upon me. I remember getting up, walking barefoot to the table, turning on the table lamp and writing down: I love...

Sitting in a Greek room Pushkin Museum- everything is proportional, white, harmonious and the ceiling is glass,

Profiteroles with lemon cream on Gogolevsky,

... when they kiss between the shoulder blades ("and, leaving, with sweet lips, kiss two moles between the shoulder blades"),

Sit on the floor, shake out black-and-white paper photographs from Unibrom envelopes, where my parents are younger than me now, and they have their own life there even before me, and go through and look at the photos for a long time,

When nothing needs to be said and everything is clear

The color of the marble at the Sretensky Bulvar station (it is not brown or pink, it is delicate and can be seen directly from the carriage).

In the morning it was easier for me to breathe. I worked, wrote, and under the keyboard I had two new list sheets. I love...

Dive and listen to what's under the water,

When fog or cloud creeps on the rocks (I used to see it from the window),

Peonies (they smell like holidays) and chrysanthemums (they remind you that there can be happiness in autumn).

Four days later, I wanted to go somewhere, which had not happened for a long time, I wanted to go out among people, push around, listen to the noise of the crowd. On the way to the metro, I looked around and even at the sky, and sniffed the smell of shawarma and tandoor in an Uzbek bakery.

The list occupied several sheets, replenished no longer so actively, but the fact that I had it lying under a napkin was strangely reassuring. Like a little secret with multi-colored pieces of glass: you can always run, catch your breath, dig and admire.

Of course, later it turned out that it was all technique, technique, right-brain psychology. That by pushing the brain to seek pleasure in our lives, we turn it into an antenna that captures the good. The brain begins to scan reality and find reasons for joy in it. And when their number grows, it exceeds some, everyone has a different limit, something like fireworks happens in the head, the mood improves, and a reason is no longer needed for happiness. You just sit, and you rather feel good. Sometimes very straight forward.

Once upon a time I wrote about a group of women who were preparing for publication a book of memory by name. This is a list of all those who went to the front in the Great Patriotic War. Last name, first name, patronymic, year of birth, where he was called from ... And then, who has what.

It turned out that for a long time at such a job no one can stand it, there are many heart attacks and even deaths. "And what did you think, to sit and write all day long: he died, he died, he died, he went missing ... What kind of heart can stand here?" said the group leader bitterly.

In the case of a list, where each item opens with the word "love", the situation is reversed. All these points, sub-points, trifles and nonsense, titmouse and watch, smells and sounds - bind to life, remind that it deserves to be lived ...

I'm not a psychologist, I'm just describing my experience. There is nothing unique about it. As in the thought that it is good when you love a lot of things in life. You just need to remind yourself of this. And you can write such a list all your life, at least mentally.