Patricia Evans "Verbal Abuse: Oppression and Control". Your partner makes unpleasant comparisons, blames and is jealous

“Mom never raised her voice at me, and if I tried to condemn her methods of education: humiliating remarks, criticism, she was indignant: “What are you talking about! I've never raised my voice at you in my life!" But verbal violence can be very quiet…” - says Anna, 45 years old.

“As a child, I felt invisible. Mom would ask me what I wanted for dinner and then cook something completely different. She asked if I was hungry, and when I said no, she put a plate in front of me, got offended or angry if I didn’t eat. She did it all the time, for any reason. If I wanted red sneakers, she bought blue ones. I knew perfectly well that my opinion meant nothing to her. And as an adult, I have no confidence in my own tastes and judgments, ”admits Alice, 50 years old.

It's not just that verbal abuse is perceived as less traumatic than physical abuse (which isn't true, by the way). When people think of verbal abuse, they imagine a person who screams heart-rendingly, out of control and shaking with anger. But this is not always the right picture.

Ironically, some of the worst forms of verbal abuse are like this. Silence can be a way to effectively ridicule or humiliate. Silence in response to a question or a fleeting comment can provoke more noise than a loud tirade.

It hurts a lot when you are treated like an invisible person, as if you mean so little that it makes no sense to even answer you.

A child subjected to such violence often experiences more conflicting emotions than one who is yelled at or insulted. The absence of anger causes confusion: the child cannot understand what is behind the meaningful silence or refusal to answer.

It hurts a lot when you are treated like an invisible person, as if you mean so little that it makes no sense to even answer you. There is hardly anything more frightening and offensive than the calm face of a mother when she pretends not to notice you.

The consequences of "silent" violence can be varied. This is first of all …

… negative changes in the developing brain of a child,

… forming the habit of self-criticism, attributing failures and mistakes to shortcomings in one's own character,

… reduced emotional intelligence problems with containment and control of emotions,

… the formation of insecure types of attachment, which prevents the establishment of healthy social bonds.

There are several types of verbal abuse, each of which affects a child in a different way. Of course, the consequences resonate in adulthood.

1 THE INVISIBLE MAN: WHEN YOU ARE IGNORED

Often, children receive information about the world around them and relationships in it second-hand. Thanks to a caring and sensitive mother, the child begins to understand that he is valuable and worthy of attention. This becomes the basis for healthy self-esteem. By her behavior, a responsive mother makes it clear: “You are good the way you are,” and this gives the child the strength and confidence to explore the world.

The child, whom the mother ignores, cannot find his place in the world, it is unsteady and fragile.

Thanks to Edward Tronick and the "Passless Face" experiment, which was conducted almost forty years ago, we know how neglect affects infants and young children.

If a child is ignored on a daily basis, it greatly affects his development.

At the time of the experiment, it was believed that at 4-5 months, children practically do not interact with their mother. Tronik recorded on video how babies react to the mother's words, smiles and gestures. Then the mother had to change her expression to an absolutely impassive one. At first, the babies tried to react in the same way as usual, but after a while they turned away from the insensitive mother and began to cry bitterly.

With young children, the pattern was repeated. They, too, tried to get their mother's attention in the usual ways, and when that didn't work, they turned away. Avoiding contact is better than feeling ignored, overlooked, unloved.

Of course, when the mother smiled again, the children from the experimental group came to their senses, although this was not a quick process. But if a child is ignored on a daily basis, this affects his development very much. It has mechanisms psychological adaptation- an anxious or avoidant type of attachment - which remain with him into adulthood.

2. DEAD SILENCE: NO ANSWER

From the child's point of view, silence in response to a question is very similar to ignoring, but emotional consequences this tactic is different. natural reaction- anger and despair directed at the person who uses such tactics. Not surprisingly, the request/evasion scheme (in this case“question/refusal to answer”) is considered the most toxic type of relationship.

For a specialist in family relations John Gottman is sure sign couple's doom. Even an adult is not easy when a partner refuses to answer, and a child who cannot defend himself in any way is extremely depressing. The damage done to self-esteem is based precisely on the inability to protect oneself. In addition, children blame themselves for not getting the attention of their parents.

3. HARMFUL SILENCE: DISPUT AND MISKERY

Harm can be caused without raising your voice - with some gestures, facial expressions and other non-verbal manifestations: rolling your eyes, contemptuous or offensive laughter. In some families, bullying is practically a team sport if other children are allowed to join in. Controlling parents or those who want to be the center of attention use this technique to manage family dynamics.

4. CALLED AND NOT GIVED: GAS LIGHTING

Gaslighting causes a person to doubt the objectivity of their own perception. This term comes from the name of the play (later - the film) of the same name, in which a man convinced his wife that she was going crazy.

Gaslighting does not require shouting - you just need to declare that some event did not actually happen. The relationship between parents and children is inherently unequal, Small child sees the parent as the ultimate authority, so gaslighting is fairly easy. The child not only begins to consider himself a "psycho" - he loses confidence in own feelings and emotions. And this does not pass without consequences.

5. "For your own good": scathing criticism

In some families, both loud and quiet violence is justified by the need to correct flaws in the child's character or behavior. Sharp criticism, when any mistake is meticulously examined under a microscope, is justified by the fact that the child “should not be arrogant”, should “behave more modestly”, “know who is in charge here”.

These and other excuses are just a cover for the cruel behavior of adults. Parents seem to behave naturally, calmly, and the child begins to consider himself unworthy of attention and support.

6. TOTAL SILENCE: NO PRAISE AND SUPPORT

It is difficult to overestimate the power of the unsaid, because it leaves a gaping hole in the child's psyche. For children normal development we need everything that parents who abuse their power are silent about. It is important for a child to explain why he is worthy of love and attention. It is as necessary as food, water, clothing and a roof over your head.

7. SHADOWS IN SILENCE: NORMALIZING VIOLENCE

For a child whose world is very small, everything that happens to him happens everywhere. Often children believe that they deserved verbal abuse because they were "bad". It's less scary than losing trust in someone who cares about you. This creates the illusion of control.

Even as adults, such children may rationalize or view their parents' behavior as normal for a number of reasons. It is equally difficult for women and men to realize that the people who are obliged to love them have hurt them.

***

Verbal abuse is not uncommonly reported, but not talked about or written about often enough. Society is largely unaware of its far-reaching consequences. Let's break the trend and start focusing on "silent" forms of violence.

about the author

We all know the power of words. They can uplift and destroy, cheer up and spoil it. It also happens that we want to cheer up, console, make laugh, but because of the misuse of words, we only make it worse.

But it happens by accident. But in some cases, a person deliberately uses some form of verbal violence to achieve their goals. Verbal violence itself is insidious in that outwardly it looks quite harmless. So harmless that an outside observer may not suspect anything. Or even the one to whom these words are addressed. The most unpleasant thing is that this form of communication is most often applied to the closest people.

In order to fix this, you must first make a diagnosis - recognize verbal abuse. There are twelve hidden forms.

Judgment or criticism

The verbal abuser constantly corrects you by telling you what you can do better. At the same time, he rarely praises, and if he praises, then in such a way that it would be better not to do this. All this is served under the sauce of expert opinion and in order "to help" (even if you did not ask). When you start to get annoyed, the offender says that he didn’t mean to offend at all and he had the best intentions.

Judgment can also be non-verbal: eye rolls, pursed lips, annoyed looks.

containment

This form manifests itself between emotionally close people: husband and wife, friends, parents and children. A verbal abuser may be very open, emotional, and caring today, and then withdraw completely for no reason the next day. Any of your attempts to find out what's the matter does not bring results, and to a direct question about what happened, the answer follows: "I don't understand what you're talking about."

This behavior is very hurtful to the victim and pleasing to the offender.

banter

It happened to everyone: someone spoke angrily in your direction and then said that he was just joking. Only in very rare cases, the person really did not want to offend you, but in most cases his intentions were clear - to speak disrespectfully and make you feel uncomfortable.

Note that this person only jokes like this in front of other people. Nothing like this happens to you alone.

And of course, when you lose your temper, the answer is: “Come on! Why are you so sensitive? I'm just kidding".

Confrontation

No matter what quality of idea or thought you express, the offender will still find a reason to find fault and lower your self-esteem.

There is a constant feeling that your feelings, thoughts, ideas are not respected.

vulgarization

The offender each time makes it clear that all your thoughts or words are stupid or insignificant. He may interrupt you, ask questions and not listen to answers, or shout over you. Any of your words are vulgarized. Do you love helping other people? Be prepared for the offender to perceive these actions as selfish and find in your good deeds hidden subtext.

Depreciation

No matter how successful you are, the abuser will still claim that it was all too easy. Whereas the successes of the offender are presented as the greatest. We can say that we are dealing with the usual black envy. However, this person may be very close to you.

Undermining

You share your plans and dreams with a person, and in response you hear something like: “You need a little more experience to achieve all this.” Wherein this person has no experience in this area or has been spinning in it for several years without any achievements.

When you are dealing with undermining (envy), it should be understood that the offender wants to undermine your self-confidence and reduce at all costs. This is the only way with which he does not feel worse.

Abstraction

You are talking to a person and the following occurs:

The offender changes the subject, and when he does not like it, changes it again;
The abuser does not answer questions or responds with aggression;
The offender constantly interrupts, especially when he does not like the way the conversation is going.

During the conversation, you may not feel any rivalry, while the abuser feels it all. Therefore, he is ready for anything to avoid an uncomfortable topic.

accusation

A terrific tactic is to blame the person for your bad behavior and nasty words. If the offender offended you, then you yourself are to blame.

This is the most common behavior of an aggressor: to behave aggressively and at the same time impersonate a victim. An outside observer may even take his side, all this is so convincingly presented.

Forgetting

If it is profitable to forget something, it is immediately forgotten immediately. There is even an opinion that the offender really believes in his lie, which in the end can cause schizophrenia. It comes to the point that even the facts provided in the form of correspondence, photographs and correct information do not affect the offender’s confidence that something was or was not.

Command

The abuser tells you exactly what needs to be done and how. Moreover, this does not depend on his position: it can be either a boss or an equal in rank.

This form of verbal violence is betrayed by tone, facial expressions, gestures, words, and impatience with any disagreement.

Negation

Are you hurt, uncomfortable and feel disrespectful? The abuser thinks that you don't really feel anything like that. Or that he has no idea what he's talking about. The offender believes that he behaved perfectly, and your unstable psyche and sensitivity are to blame.

Finally, I would like to say: first of all, try to see the forms of verbal violence in yourself, and then in others. By not doing this, you will already prove that you are an offender impersonating.

We wish you good luck!

When we hear the word "violence", we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force on a weaker one. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical, since it does not cripple the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses confidence in himself and his "I" and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.

Signs and types of psychological abuse

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of the one who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change their behavior, opinion, decision and act as the aggressor-manipulator wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to morally break the victim and make her completely dependent on their will. To achieve their goal, the aggressors use the following types psychological abuse:

Protection from psychological abuse

Psychological pressure is easiest for people who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all, designating for yourself your rights and obligations in each of the spheres of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.

Opposition to the lover to command

When faced with a commanding and ordering person, two questions need to be asked: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and "What happens if I don't do what he wants?" If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander should be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my duty to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.

Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly transfers part of his duties to employee B, without providing any counter services in return. In this case, the opposition to the aggressor will look like this:

A: You are just printing out something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.

B: Do I work here as your secretary? It is not my job to print your documents and deliver them anywhere. I've got a lot of work to do, so take care of your report yourself and don't distract me, please.

Protection from verbal aggression

The goal is to make the victim feel embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore best protection from verbal aggression - not living up to the aggressor's expectations and reacting in a completely different way than he expects: to joke, remain indifferent, or feel sorry for the offender. Also effective way protection against such psychological violence is the developed famous psychologist M. Litvak method "Psychological Aikido". The essence of this method is to apply in any conflict situations depreciation - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (as a psychiatrist agrees with everything that the patient tells him).

Practical example: The husband calls names and tries to humiliate his wife every time he has Bad mood. Protection from psychological abuse in this case may be as follows:

M: You don't know anything at all! You are a disgusting hostess, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying around under the sofa!

Zh: Yes, I'm so clumsy, it's so hard for you with me! Surely you know how to clean better than me, so I will be grateful if you help me clean the house next time.

Confronting Ignorance

It is important to remember that intentional ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not give in to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger into mercy. A person who is inclined to be constantly offended and “turn on the ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made clear that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.

Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been used to manipulating her older sister (C) since childhood. In cases where M does not like something, she begins to deliberately ignore C and triple her boycott. Confrontation psychological pressure in such cases the following:

S: I'm leaving in a week for a business trip for two months.

S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.

M: Does that mean? Then you're not my sister anymore and I'm not talking to you!

Confronting the psychological pressure of duty or guilt

durable personal boundaries are reliable protection from the pressure of feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and duties, a person can always determine what is not included in his duties. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibility and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.

Practical example: Single mother (M) trying to ban adult daughter leave to work in another city, pressing on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be:

M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for parents in old age, and you are leaving me!

D: I'm not leaving you - I'll call you, come to visit and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?

M: What are you talking about? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!

D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find yourself a lot interesting activities. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.

Confronting bullying

Hearing from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning "if you do not do something, then misfortune will happen in your life" or "if you do not change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you", you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In the case where intimidation or threats have no real basis, the blackmailer can be invited to bring his threat to life right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can fulfill the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.

Practical example: Employee A has not fulfilled his part of the project and is trying to intimidate employee B to do his job. To resist pressure in such cases, you can do this:

A: Why are you going to leave if the work on the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, your boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?

B: I have done my part of the work. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.

A: The boss doesn't care who does what. He wants a result. So help me if you don't want to be kicked out.

Q: Do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me for refusing to do your part of the job.

Many people are aware that psychological violence is used against them, but they do not dare to fight back for fear of spoiling relations with someone who likes to command, manipulate or insult. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself what exactly such relationships are valuable and whether it is better not to communicate with them at all. aggressive person than to regularly endure his insults and act to his detriment, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.

Part 1. How to recognize violence.Types and forms of domestic violence.

Part 2. How to stop domestic violence.

Let's define what is domestic violence:

Violence that is committed against loved ones, in the family, behind closed doors.
This is the abuse of partners with each other.
And it's maintaining abusive relationships.

Today we will talk mainly about adult-adult relationships. An adult is a person over 15 years of age.

Behind last years researchers and sociologists great attention on the problem of domestic violence, as millions of people around the world are suffering more and more from it.

Cruelty and violence. How are these concepts different? AT English language cruelty refers only to physical violence, and all other forms of ill-treatment are called violence.

As a result of social traditions in the family, in many countries of the world, relationships between spouses, as well as between parents, based on violence, have been cultivated for many centuries. It is because of this that cruelty in the family is not easy to discern.

Women often become victims of violence, and commit violence themselves, without even noticing it, and without realizing their cruelty towards a partner.

Who can be called a cruel partner?

He is often angry.
Usually criticizes another without even paying attention to it.
Makes sharp remarks to the other, hooking on the personality, abilities and beliefs of the partner.
Often orders and tells others what, how, when to do.
Allows sarcastic remarks regarding the choice of faith, party, views of another person.
Criticizes relatives, friends, bosses of the partner.
Allows ridicule and humiliation against a partner in the presence of children and strangers.
Shows outbursts of rage with throwing things and objects on the floor, with the destruction of valuables.

The most striking criterion for the manifestation of cruelty in the family, at home is that people allow close person much of what never allow strangers in relation to themselves.

If a person is over 15 years old, then in no case should he be allowed manifestations of any kind of cruelty.

But, unfortunately, most often this is not seen by the one against whom cruelty is manifested, since this is realized as guilt:

- “it means I myself am like that, since they treat me like that”;

- "I can never make my husband happy."

And of course, you need to clearly define that cruelty is not male quality. Women can also be cruel to their husbands.

Due to different approach in the upbringing of girls and boys:

- more often adult men get angry and yell, and adult women fuss and try to please. AT modern conditions life, women themselves teach men to act with cruelty against themselves.

Immature, infantile, men who grew up in destructive families:

- know exactly how to make a woman serve him.

We need to realize:

-when a man behaves cruelly towards a woman, this is his responsibility;

It is the woman's responsibility to prevent this from happening.

And we can only become responsible when we learn to respect ourselves.

We are already accustomed to the words: "offender", "victim"

"Offender"- we call a person who plots and performs evil against another person.

"Victim"- we call a person who has experienced violence against himself.

I suggest that you abandon the word "victim" - in relation to the victim. Why?

Because it implies that someone has power and authority over me.
Because the victim is the one who suffers from life, and we are called by God to create our life.

I propose to use the term "target" instead of the term "victim". "Targets" need to understand that they are not the cause of the cruelty of their "offender"."Targets" simply allow this cruelty to manifest itself. I hope that the introduction of this term will help those who suffer abuse to break their denial and face the truth.

Let's define the purpose of cruelty. What does the attacker want to achieve? He relieves himself of all responsibility, he controls the other person with his cruelty and his goal is to destroy the other person's self-respect and self-esteem.

Cruelty cannot be manifested around the clock. It manifests itself cyclically, in stages.

Every time the attacker enters a period of "making amends", the "victim" believes that they have arrived or returned Good times, she receives dividends for her suffering and hopes that the "offender" will come to her senses, and now he will be good. The "victim" does not want to know the truth. For her, even after so many explosions, there is still no realization that these “ roller coaster” in her life will not end as long as she behaves like a “target”.

In fact, a person who intends and does evil can only be given one chance and only during the period of “making amends”. At the moment of the "explosion" it is impossible to speak, negotiate with the "offender" - he does not hear anyone.

Researchers human relations give us an idea of the various forms of cruelty (domestic violence). First of all it is:

verbal abuse is when one person attacks another person with words. "Beating" with words.
Psychological abuse - when cruelty is expressed in humiliating statements or ignorance that cause mental (psychological) suffering in another person.
Violence by intimidation, intimidation - when one person with words, gestures, looks and postures causes fear in another person.
Violence by isolation - when by physical or psychological means (in any combination), one person forces another, limiting or prohibiting his contacts in the family or society.
Violence persecution - this is when one person hunts down another, invades his intimate personal life, breaks into his borders, imposes his society on him.
spiritual violence - this is when religious or spiritual beliefs are used to establish control and restrictions over another person. One form of spiritual violence is "male privilege".
sexual abuse - includes unwanted sexual activities, with the help of which only one partner receives satisfaction or the opportunity to control the other.
economic violence - this is when one of the partners uses money and other values as a means of control over another person.
Physical violence - harm to the human body.

If we are aware and warned of our role in cultivating violence and cruelty in intimate relationships, then we can prevent ourselves from physical abuse .

We must always remember that physical and sexual violence is only possible when Both partners are satisfied all other forms of violence, passed them, mastered them, practiced them - then and only then they break into the abyss of cruelty - into physical or sexual violence.

BE SURE TO USE THE FOLLOWING RULE: WHEN PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL ABUSE HAPPENS, THE ONLY COMMON SENSE IS TO CALL FOR HELP IMMEDIATELY AND FORCE THE ATTENDER TO OBEY .

Let's tune in again that "victim" or "target" is not a privilege of a female, and not a quality only of a woman, a "rapist" or an intruder is not a privilege of a male and not a quality of a man.

1. Intimidation

- scares with looks, gestures, actions;

- breaks things;

- damages property;

- cruelty to domestic animals;

- threatens with a weapon.

emotional abuse

- belittles, devalues the partner;

- makes him think badly about himself;

- calls him names;

- makes him think he's gone crazy;

- humiliates him;

makes him feel guilty.

Insulation.

Controls the life of a partner, with whom he sees and talks, what he reads, what beliefs he has, where he goes, what he wears, what he believes in.

Understatement, denial and blame.

Does not attach serious importance to his cruelty and does not take his partner's concerns about this seriously;

- claims that there was no violence/cruelty;

Shifts responsibility for his cruel behavior from himself to others (if you had not made me angry, I would not have done this to you);

- blames the other for what happened.

Children use

- inspires a partner with a sense of guilt in front of the children;

- forces children to transfer information to a partner;

- exhausts the partner, forcing him to imagine terrible pictures of what happened to the children;

Threatens to take children away and leave, does not allow contact with children, threatens to commit suicide and the lives of children

Taking advantage of the male sex

- treats her like a servant;

- single-handedly makes serious decisions;

- behaves like a "master of the castle";

- single-handedly determines what role in the family a man should play, and what a woman.

economic violence

- does not give or does not allow her to get a job or does everything so that she does not stay at work;

- makes you ask him/her for money;

- determines whether or not to allow her to make certain purchases;

- takes her money;

- does not pay for housing, eats at the expense of a partner;

- does not allow her/him to know about the size of the family income and manage the family budget on an equal footing.

Threats and coercion

- threatens to do something that will hurt her / him, and / or carry out his threats;

- threatens to leave him/her, commit suicide, threatens his/her well-being;

- forces, forces him/her to drop the accusations against him/her;

- compels to illegal actions.

Now most of us come into marriage with a high "tolerance" - tolerance, indulgence to insults and violence. We received it as an inheritance from our parents; in fact, we come into marital relations, having already tried to use in relations with close people (parents, brothers, sisters, at school, in kindergarten) almost all types and forms of violence, up to physical and sexual. It is very easy in marriage to take both the first step into the "wheel of power and control" and the last step - hitting a partner or denying him sexual relations, hiding behind any pretexts, excuses or convictions that you are right.

Physical violence.

Physical violence includes all types of influence on the body of another person with the aim of intimidating, humiliating, insulting, his human dignity. And there are no standards. For one, a slap on the back of the head or a slap on the butt means nothing, this is a familiar form of communication, and for another person this is an unbearable insult. It is only necessary to remember that repeatedly repeated imperceptible insults produce the same destructive effect on the soul of a person as a one-time, strong impact. It is not so much the force of a blow or injury that makes a strong impact on a person’s soul, but the humiliation of human dignity. And in this regard, I want to talk with you, women, about how we affect the soul of a man - denying him sexual relations for any reason. This kind of cruelty is no different from ordinary physical violence. Body and soul are the instruments of our relationship. When we ourselves treat them with disdain, cruelty, incomprehension, not noticing, not realizing it, we will surely reap the fruits, and often these fruits are very bitter.

For exercise in training groups:

We read aloud question No. 1, 4, 7 - group No. 1; No. 2, 5, 8 - group No. 2;No. 3, 6, 9 - group No. 3,

Each group answers their questions aloud.

And at the end of the training, we read aloud the afterword to exercise No. 1 and discuss it.

Control work in the training group

In turn, starting from row 1, 1 person reads out question number 1, 2 people read out the answers, then 3 people answer. If the answer is not correct, we find the answer together.

We have now learned to identify the types of abuse and the damage we inflict on others or others inflict on us. This test makes us understand that in every situation it is very important - see the cruelty and learn to recognize the type of abuse.

If we learn:

Recognize cruelty
Take responsibility for your contribution to evil thinking
Build your own security boundaries

Then we can begin the path to liberation from cruelty.

Once again, let's work through the tactics of cruelty in detail:

Verbal violence - through words, name-calling ( bad mother, bad wife, bad father, etc.), personal mockery, humiliation and accusations in the presence of other people for any reason. Blocking the topic of conversation - going into silence, turning the topic upside down, asserting the opposite. Lies, drawing into a quarrel, depreciation of a partner, outbreaks of jealousy, distrust, suspicion.

Psychological abuse:

Games: sets children against, infuriates, cold and indifferent, abstains from sex, is silent for many days;

He rises all the time, emphasizing that he is smarter, better, more quick-witted, dexterous, skillful, capable, etc .;

Determines what the partner should think and feel or denies feelings by saying - "all this is nonsense and nonsense";

- talks only about what is interesting to him, does not care about the interests of the partner;

- passive reaction to everything that concerns a partner - forgets, is not attentive, absent-minded, apathetic;

- does not understand, all the time demands to be explained to him;

- "shakes" the rights - "I'm a man, I can do it."

Intimidation, intimidation:

- seeks to be feared;

- manipulates fear;

He pretends to play scary roles, plays out terrible situations (I will cut myself, I will throw myself off the balcony, I will hang myself, I will pour boiling water on myself, I will cut my veins, etc.).

Insulation:

- seeks to separate the partner from his support system:

groups,
churches,
friends,
relatives to have more power over him;

- all the time expresses dissatisfaction with relatives, friends, colleagues of the partner;

- tells other people nasty things about a partner (how terrible, stupid, stupid, worthless, etc.).

The pursuit:

- imposing one's society - permanent phone calls, SMS, meetings;

- calls the boss in order to find out if the partner is at work or not;

- requires exorbitant participation in his life "I can't do anything without you";

- requires to entertain him;

- requires total attention to his person "I", "me", "for me", "about me", "with me".

Spiritual abuse:

- with the help of the Bible proves that men are better, higher, more worthy than women;

- deprives a person of his will with the help of the authority of God;

- inspires: "only my understanding of God's truths is correct";

- establishes tight control over the partner in prayers, reading the Bible, attending church;

- does not allow the partner to have beliefs that are different from his beliefs.

Sexual abuse:

- Forces you to have sex in a way that is not acceptable to your partner;

- always only when and in the way he wants;

- controls the other by obtaining or refusing sex, wanting to achieve the desired behavior;

- cold, indifferent sexual relationship- "absent", defiantly giving only the body;

- fiercely demanding, impatient, shows elements of cruelty during sex;

- requires the partner to watch pornographic scenes together and repeat what they saw.

Economic Violence:

- earns one, and spends the other;

- tightly controls family money and values;

- emphasizes that the partner lives in his apartment, uses his things;

- all decisions concerning large purchases are made by one;

- deceives a partner in finance, buys an expensive thing, and says a lower price;

- hides bought new things, equipment from other people;

- makes unreasonable expenses, satisfying his whims;

- spends family money on casinos, gambling clubs, his addictions;

- shares the "family wallet" for example with the words: "you spend what you earned, and I what I earned."

I hope that today you have expanded your understanding of cruelty and awareness of your participation in unhealthy relationships in family. Once again, I want to draw your attention to the fact that people who tend to consider themselves victims are highly recommended to realize themselves as "targets". "Target" is a device for training accuracy in shooting. It is for arrows. If we realize that we are a “target”, but we still remember that I am a person, I have legs and arms, and not just “hooks” to hang on the wall, I can always leave the firing zone and stop working as a “target” ".

Never try yours" good behavior", it's a good job to make amends for the other person's aggression, since by doing so you will only accustom your partner to continue firing arrows.

If you are offended, cry, become discouraged, be silent, pout - then your partner knows exactly how to get you. If you stop giving in to the "offender", to please, be afraid, to fawn, then most often the offender goes in search of a new "target".

Remember that partners can only dance together, and if one of the partners stops dancing, then this is no longer a dance. It is necessary to realize that it is not necessary to take responsibility for someone else's cruelty, not to try to mitigate his cruelty with your own actions. In order for someone to step over you, you first need to lie down. Giving power over ourselves (the consent to suffer) into the hands of another person, we seem to be forced to “lie down” under him.

Why do so many of us settle for abuse?

Brought up in the parental family - the habit of suffering.
That being a victim has certain advantages.

Let's look at these benefits, there are six of them:

The accuser game:

- he is bad, but good;

- I am spiritual, and he ...;

- I clean everything, and he scatters;

- he yells, and I'm so quiet;

- he is greedy, but I am not, i.e constant comparison in your favor.

Has girlfriends or friends with whom friendships are based on the exchange of complaints.

Has a constant opportunity to receive sympathy, support during the period of "making amends". I am sure that he will receive gifts, flowers, encouragement.

Has the constant opportunity to remain a child, and thereby not take responsibility for making serious decisions. She always needs a "patron".
Often the "victim" is on the support of the partner, she is weak, infirm, incapable, and because of this she agrees to endure the abuse.

Moral superiority - "I am a better child of God, and he will burn in hell." If you admit that someone sins against you, then you yourself fall into sin.

The root cause of our unhealthy relationship behavior is self-centeredness, narcissism, and the effects of chemical addiction.

And now we will figure out how we can stop cruelty in the family.

Abuse Interruption Strategies

Do not make excuses, do not explain the reasons for your “wrong” actions, from the partner’s point of view.

You do not respond to:

to the threats
to the accusations
to the requirements
to the insults

because impossible at this moment, logically at least something to prove to the “offender”. You have only one phrase at your disposal: "I will not allow myself to be spoken to in that tone!". Put an end and shut your mouth! Even if the partner is trying to hook you - not a word! You teach the aggressor to this behavior of yours in the same way that you train a dog.

And remember- this method of interrupting cruelty, and not a contemptuous attitude towards a person.

With this technique, you stop "pour kerosene on the fire" of cruelty.

Start setting boundaries

To do this, you need to first learn all about building borders, and then practice. When we dance to a partner in terms of manifestations of his cruelty - this is codependency.

You begin to set boundaries during the “making amends” period, in quiet time when your partner is able to hear you. You calmly and dignifiedly explain what can be done against you and what cannot be done. Need to give detailed instructions, write it in advance and be sure to voice it. In this instruction, define his behavior that you do not want to meet.

Be sure to put a boundary on the manifestation of his anger in your presence, even if it is not directed at you. And be sure to set the consequences if the boundary is violated, but at the same time it is necessary to be able to hold the boundary, i.e. apply consequences. There's no point in putting a boundary if you can't defend it.

Solid Answer

"Stop! You don't have permission to talk to me like that!" Continue communication only if the partner has changed tone. It works very fast and well, although many do not believe in it.

Leave an unacceptable situation for you.

If a partner offends, frightens, humiliates, insults, raises his tone on you or children, if he throws things on the floor or breaks them, then you do not use any strategies, but simply leave the situation.

If he uses silence tactics, then limit his silence with a joke: "I'm tired of your company" - and go for a walk.

Repetition (broken record).

If you don't get an answer to your question when your partner ignores you, you repeat your question until you get an answer. Do not answer his questions until he gives you an answer to the question you previously posed. And if you don't get an answer, then don't discuss his question.

You must also be prepared to receive a negative response from your partner and agree with it. When your partner "deliberately doesn't understand" or pretends not to hear you, the "broken record" technique works best. Just try to ask the question in the same way until you get an answer.

Don't reward negative behavior.

If your partner has a habit of constantly criticizing your actions or trying to convince you that you are good for nothing, then immediately stop doing what your partner “curses” and invite him to complete what he thinks he knows, how to do better.

The more things you try to do according to his rules, the more he develops these rules, which you will be required to obey.

Don't keep other people's secrets.

Most big secret in the family is negative attitude one partner to another. He mistreats you, but at the same time, he demands that you do not tell anyone about this, “do not take dirty linen out of the hut.” Talk about it out loud to his parents, friends, pastor at church, etc.

The more you talk about it out loud, the more likely you are that he will stop doing it. This will benefit both him and you. And most importantly - this rule will save your life.

a) Write down everything you can, keep a diary.

This is necessary, since we often do not notice many aspects of cruelty, either on the part of a partner or on our part. The most important thing is to learn to see those manifestations of cruelty that we ourselves did not consider cruelty, but it destroyed us. Remember all the time about the "wheel of power and control." And also because the aggressor often denies what has been done: “I didn’t say that, I didn’t do it, I didn’t mean it.” That is, he does not want to take responsibility for his thoughts, feelings and actions, and as a result, you have the feeling that you are going crazy and invented everything yourself. This works very well because you remain convinced of your adequacy. And you can't be confused.

b) In case of frequent “explosions”, prepare in advance and record all screams, swearing and insults on a tape recorder.

This is very sobering and very useful to listen to someone who considers himself a victim. You will clearly see your role in the birth of the "tornado".

In conclusion, I want to say that these strategies work and bring positive results. The main thing is to decide on changes, get out of denial and want to change your life. It is possible to end a relationship in the "wheel of power and control" if you do it with the goal of your recovery, and not changing your partner.

Definitions found in the article:

"Violence":

Coercion, oppression, lawlessness.
Application physical strength to someone.
Coercive influence on someone, violation of personal integrity.

"Cruelty":

Extremely harsh, ruthless merciless action.
Very strong, exceeding the usual impact (frost, drought).

"Partner":

Member of any joint activity.
A participant in a joint dance, performance, game in relation to another participant

"Victim":

Voluntary renunciation of something in someone's favor, self-sacrifice.
In ancient religions, an object or living being brought as a gift to a deity.
Someone suffering from violence, misfortune, failure.