Help with communication. Development of psychological barriers

The art of communicating with people one of the most significant arts for happy life person.

Mistakes in communication and Problems interpersonal communication directly affect the quality family life, love relationships, on a career, success in business, on the number and quality of friends.

It is important?! Does the quality of your life matter to you? Or let everything go as it goes?

Let's say your life can rush along the road of success, joy and happiness at a speed of 100 kilometers per hour. And each error in communication, error in communication with other people, reduces this speed by 5 percent. Of course, if a person makes only one mistake in communicating with people (for example, constantly interrupting), then this does not really affect the quality of life. It's just that the difference between 100 percent happiness and joy and 95 percent is not so noticeable and tangible. So if you make 1-2 mistakes in communication, then its quality, of course, decreases, but it is still at a very high level.

If 5-7 is constantly performed mistakes in communication, the quality of life is still at a satisfactory level. You can live! And even, at times, very happy!

And if a person commits 10 different mistakes in communication with people? The level of joy and success is already two times lower. But twice as many quarrels, conflicts, divorces, tears. But you can still live. Pleasant and not pleasant when communicating, it turns out, about fifty-fifty. Either harmony and mutual understanding, or breaking dishes and dividing property. Not boring, that's for sure. But not very successful either.

But 50/50 is still pretty good. This ratio is inherent in the people whom we we consider ourselves quite happy.

The usual ratio is 15-20 to 85-90. That is, 15-20 percent are quite successful and effective communication 85-90 percent destructive. Or at least not creative. Those. in 85-90 percent of cases, people communicate in such a way that either worsens relations with those with whom they interact, or it remains at the usual low level.

But what do these percentages mean in practice? How does this relate to your life?! Directly! Ineffective and inept communication affects the quality of your environment.

If a person does not know the art of communicating with people around him will be the same people. Those who hurt with their own words, do not know how to build relationships, destroy other people's lives.

Naturally, those who can communicate effectively and build successful communication , will not maintain friendly, business, family ties with those who do not know how to communicate, and opening their mouths creates only awkwardness and disharmony.

Do you think we're exaggerating?! Have you ever had such a thing that someone's word made you cry or worry for many days afterwards?

Or maybe you remember something that was said to you in your youth that still hurts? Maybe some words about your height, weight, shape or breast size? Or how you were compared to your ex or to your mother?! Or did they say something not very pleasant about how you are in bed? Or at work? Or in housekeeping? Or in raising children?

Was it so that people hurt you and you still remember it? Have you ever hurt someone? Well, admit it, it was?! You can confess to yourself.

This happened because we or those who said something unsuccessfully, such bad people?! No, probably. As a rule, it was not even in my thoughts to offend someone. It's simple errors in communication that lead to communication problems.

home interpersonal communication problemis a lack of understanding. One awkwardly jokes about what is dear to another, and that's it. Trust and sympathy can drop to zero.

Mom joked about the fact that her daughter has thin (or thick, or x-shaped, or some other legs), and caused an injury that she will remember for many years. She wanted to harm her child?! No, of course not. She loves her daughter, she is a good mother. She's just stupid.

But the girl is not easier, from the fact that her mother is not can communicate and allows elementary mistakes in communication. The injury has been done. And the girl will live with her. And, most likely, she will have more than a dozen such injuries during her childhood. And that's just from the parents! And then there is such a wonderful place as a school, and such wonderful people as teachers and peers. And they will also try to inflict maximum psychological damage.

Now you understand how this applies to the life of each of us?! Are you ready to continue living as you lived, or would you like to think about those problems communicating with people, which are created due to errors and ineffective communication?!

In other words, would you like to stop hurting others and yourself on a daily basis?! Well, okay, even if you don’t care about others, maybe, at least for the sake of relatives, friends and loved ones, it’s worth fixing something in order to stop them stepping on their psychological calluses?

But for yourself?

Are there people who clearly communicate more skillfully than you and are quite sympathetic to you? Would you like to be able to speak the same language with them and generally be on an equal footing? Then you need to improve quality of communication.

Quality of interpersonal communication- this is your ladder up to a happy life!

This is your car, which can be beautiful, chic and comfortable and rush at a speed of 100 kilometers per hour without the slightest effort and on a great road. But for this it is necessary that all four wheels are in place and in good condition, that gasoline is filled with proper quality, so that every detail works!

For now... for now quality aboutscheniya most people - this is an old eared Cossack, who hardly accelerates to 30 kilometers per hour, creaks, grunts and moves at the limit of his strength.

Or do you remember any communication problems and you don't really know what you're talking about?

Well, let's list some communication difficulties, mistakes in communication most commonly accepted by people.

Threats and intimidation, manipulation of a partner, pressure on his pain points.

Accusations, insults.

Mockery over important things for a person, qualities, people.

Sarcastic comments.

We may be able to be witty, but at what cost?

Frequent grumbling and eternal expression of discontent and disagreement.

Systematic interruption of the interlocutor.

Inability to give compliments.

Inability to accept compliments, respond to compliments.

Perversion of the interlocutor's words, attributing one's own fabrications to the partner.

Hanging labels.

Hiding information, lies.

One deception is enough to kill trust for a long time or forever.

Accusations, attempts to make a partner feel guilty.

Negative definitions, personal insults (lazy, dim-witted, dim-witted, non-sexual).

Negative comments about a person's actions.

What happens if you tell a girl that she dances like a cow?! Or even just ask an ironic question: "Well, where did you learn to dance like that?". That's it, you ruined a person's mood for a long time. And they also sowed in him self-doubt and a desire to take revenge on you and also say some nasty things. It was worth it?!

Demands and ultimatums.

Oh, how unwise to issue ultimatums. Where it was possible to agree on mutual benefit, a gap arises and a funnel from an explosion, where everything good that previously connected you falls through and disappears.

Complaints and lamentations about the vicissitudes of fate.

Also a mistake. Please answer, do you like people who complain about everything? Even the weather, nature, youth and morals? Don't imitate. Few people like whiners and complainers.

Interrupting the interlocutor by expressing his opinion. 1-2 times and in the case - this is acceptable. Constantly and for nothing - no!

The desire to show their superiority.

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Attempts to assert oneself by humiliating others.

Inability to praise and support.

Do you know many people who inspire you to communicate with? That's it.

Lack of expression of those good feelings and thoughts that we have.

People, unfortunately, are more likely to criticize than to say something good.

Hushing up misunderstandings and conflict issues.

Usually such silence after a while leads to an explosion.

Lack of positive non-verbal communication(smiles, nods, demonstration of support and understanding).

Tactlessness.

Inappropriate questions (about salary, etc.)

What to do? Determine what you think needs to be improved. What kind mistakes in communication do you commit? What would you like to improve in communication with people, what kind solve communication problems? Think. Before you improve something, you need to decide what exactly.

And we will try each communication problem and error dedicate separate article. These are very important questions.

Let us show you with a few examples how the lack of elementary skills the art of communication leads to disastrous results.

First story:

The young man courted the girl for a long time, sought her, lusted after her in every possible way, and that evening, when everything could already be done, they were sitting in a cafe. We drank coffee, ate ice cream, were going to go to his house. When the bill was brought, the guy spoke rather rudely to the waitress. Offended her with something completely out of nowhere.

Just. It's just a service to him.

And then his companion realized that she no longer wants to give herself to him and will not. All the good things that he showed were just a demo version of this guy, and from this one episode with the waitress, it became clear to her that this was not the person with whom she would like to have something in common, let alone sex more.

Or another story: a girl came to one young man, who that evening decided to give herself to him. Nice young man, beautiful sexy girl. Both sympathized with each other and could have great relationship, regular pleasant sex, if only... If not for a single trifle.

The man made coffee, poured it into cups, they sat on the bed, smiled, drank coffee, anticipating what was about to happen. Then the girl, apparently deciding to take a position in a higher relationship, said with an orderly intonation:

Take away the cups.

The young man took them away, but at that moment he decided that they would have nothing. His train of thought went something like this:

Yes, well, it is in FIG. There was nothing yet, but she allows herself such intonations! What happens after sex? Well, no, let someone who is ready to endure such a tone sleep with her.

A trifle. Just something wrong intonation and with the wrong person. And that's it. And instead of a relationship - a big fat damn thing.

And here's another example of communication problem, which arose because of the unsuccessful statement of a young man. In the presence of his girlfriend, who had beautiful but small breasts, he said to someone:

A woman should have big boobs!

Or another case: a girl meets a friend who goes with her new boyfriend, greets her, hugs her, smiles and says:

Have not seen you for a long time! You have changed. Has it improved a little?

Fine?!

Here are examples of how you can throw in the trash what could be a pleasant relationship in one minute and one unsuccessful phrase, look or intonation.

To one very smart, but inexperienced in the intricacies of communication, the hero of the TV series "Theory big bang", his friend said in response to another not too correct comment:

You know, Sheldon, you don't have many friends that you can insult them so easily.

your friends, relationships, psychological condition partner, psychological trauma and the experiences of children and just surrounding people are your responsibility.

You create results. You are building a paradise or a concentration camp around you. This is your responsibility and your choice. Build something good!

Why are some of us not particularly social? After all, we all need to communicate sometimes. And for some people, this is an uncomfortable fact of life. Let's discuss ten reasons why you tend to avoid communication, and how to fix it (if possible).

1. You are depressed/worried

If you fall into this category, don't worry. You are not alone. Depression and anxiety is a sore subject for millions of people around the world. Alarm states that accompany depression create a feeling of chronic tension and anxiety. It is treatable, although full recovery may take some time. Even in this case, find yourself an interlocutor so as not to keep everything in yourself.

2. You are overwhelmed by your own personal problems.

We've all heard the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover." For some reason, many people ignore this wisdom. The truth is that others may not know about you. internal state. Perhaps you have your own personal problems that are not conducive to communication. Just get through this time, but don't give up communication altogether.

3. You feel embarrassed

There is no shame in admitting to yourself that you are awkward to communicate, and you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Try visualization and meditation practices. Learning basic mindfulness techniques can help overcome many innate or learned stressors. You have more control over your body and mind than you think!

4. Communication "sucks" the energy out of you.

If communication drains your energy reserves, then you are most likely an introvert. By the way, there is no relationship between introversion and depression. In the first case, it is simply a personality type; the second is the problem with mental health(see paragraph 1). Listen to yourself and understand what you need: if you need solitude, be with yourself, but do not refuse communication and socialization in moderation.

5. You have no communication skills

Social skills are acquired knowledge. For some reason, you may feel unsuited to "navigate" through social sphere life - and it's not your fault. With a little practice, you can improve your social skills.

6. You are afraid of being rejected.

The fear of rejection is one of the deepest. We are afraid of criticism and uselessness. Again, meditation and self-awareness will help here: being rejected does not always mean a problem and the end of the world - sometimes this can be the highest good.

7. You are in a new environment

There is nothing to be ashamed of at all. All people feel uncomfortable at first new environment- just someone less, and someone more. Don't be afraid to say hello to a stranger and then strike up a conversation as simple as possible. If you act friendly, then there is a high probability that you will be reciprocated.

8. You are shy

And this brings us back to the question of introversion. The introvert brain prefers the acetylcholine pathway, while extroverts choose the dopamine pathway. In other words, extroverts need external energy stimulation, and you need internal energy. Just continue to interact with people a little, without exhausting yourself with crowded events and noisy parties.

9. You don't like empty talk about anything.

Yes, you would like to chat on philosophical and psychological topics, and you are asked questions about whether you have cats and dogs. People are very different, and you need to get used to it. Think about how it is much easier for someone to talk about pets than about the frailty of existence.

10. You just don't want to communicate.

It’s quite normal sometimes not to want to communicate at all - and you don’t need to feel pangs of conscience or cherish your alleged inferiority complex at the same time. You need to worry when you do not want to communicate and talk at all. Get out of your comfort zone at least once in a while, just go out and greet those around you.

Hello!

By the age of 28, I had made little progress in my development as a person. Some people on this site have a similar situation, so I won't repeat it in detail. In short, I will say that all my life, first of all, problems with communication: at school and at the university, which I had to quit, and at work, where I did not last more than 10 months. For all his life he worked for 2 years at the most primitive jobs. The rest of the time I spent at home. At home, I wanted to do this and that, but as soon as I took it, I immediately quit. Apparently I was not really interested in anything and is not interested. How to increase interest, passion - I don’t know. No one forces me either, I live at home with my mother, who thinks that everything in my life will work out, and therefore does not put much pressure on me, and she is almost never at home. No friends, just a couple of buddies.
My only achievement in life is that I'm still a virgin. I agree with spiritual people who believe that it is a sin before marriage and generally for the sake of pleasure. But it’s best for me, probably to death, so if I needed children, then how many of them are in orphanages without parents, besides, all of a sudden my problems are due to bad genes, on the maternal side, everyone is semi-adequate, and I look like a mother. Younger brother- on the father, he has everything in the way.
Such vices as laziness, cowardice, thirst for pleasure, greed, pride in me to the maximum, and I don’t know how to deal with them. I know that death is the way out for me. This reality will leave, where everything is too complicated and there is so much to envy, and another more primitive one will come, in which I can start better, because I will not know about this one. It's like you were fired from one job for lack of qualifications and you go to a simpler one in order to simultaneously raise your qualifications. But I don’t know how my departure will affect my mother, so I live on and degrade for now, maybe I should, because we are responsible for our parents.
Or maybe someone managed to significantly improve the quality of life in my situation?
Support the site:

auroville , age: 28/06/06/2012

Responses:

Hello auroville!
You write here about your vices and sins, but don’t you know that suicide is
this is the worst sin - if you commit it, then about no happy life
in another world you can not dream!
Now any paths are open before you - choose. Set a goal and achieve
it, but don't over tighten it. Your mother is not eternal - so think about how you will live,
when she leaves. Find a place where your work will bring other people
benefit, and no matter what kind of work it will be, although of course the work should
provide an acceptable income for a normal life.
You need to turn to God - and you will find answers to your questions.
Good luck to you and Guardian Angel!

Mikhail, age: 42 / 06/06/2012

Do you think we have a second chance after death? And if not? And new
Is the reality going to be much worse than you think? Better here
already begin to change for the better, especially since everything should work out for you - you
you yourself see your problems and shortcomings, you yourself understand where you need to move,
the only thing left to do is to start doing it.
I advise you to read 2 things. First, as confirmation of your concerns for your mother,
here you think correctly - the section of the fate of the relatives of the suicide. The second is a book -
Beyond the death threshold of M. Roolings, which sheds light on that mysterious area,
which awaits us after death - http://lib.rus.ec/b/207041/read

Nika, age: 29 / 06/06/2012

Adrenaline is not enough for you) Feel the taste of life - that's what you need)
Jump with a parachute from an airplane. Ride a hang glider)
The taste for life will wake up - the desire to do something will wake up)

Elinor Riddle, age: 17/06/06/2012

Auroville, why did you decide that when you die, you will have another, more
easy reality? You have been given this life to learn something, to
live it as happily as possible, and you think you can refuse
from this life and in return you will immediately have another? Like a capricious child
who throws away one toy, immediately slip another? That's not a lot
infantile position. I will say more, parting with life, you will fall into
hell, and there your present problems will seem like flowers in a summer garden.
You have problems that you can solve with a psychologist or yourself. Problems
with social adaptation, shyness, are very common and normally solved
with a specialist. True, this will take time, but you also have this state
evolved over the years. So shake it up, don't you feel like helping
mother in providing for the family? You are a healthy young guy, as I understand it.
Good luck to you!

Wind, age: 06/27/2012

Good evening, dear auroville!

You know, I didn't think you were the way you described yourself.
You write: “Such vices as laziness, cowardice, thirst for pleasure,
greed, pride in me to the maximum, and how to deal with them, not
I know,” but judging by the letter, it didn’t seem that way to me. It seemed to me,
that you are kind, patient, the responsible person, what do you have
kernel. If this were not so, then long ago you would not have given a damn about your mother,
and went into all serious trouble, as others do. And you are great, so
in this regard, continue in the same spirit. You worked, while others sit whining.
Any work is not ashamed, it is a shame not to work. If it did not work out with the work,
it means that it was not yours, it means that the soul does not lie, it means that you deserve more.
It seems to me that you once got confused, turned the wrong way, and now you don’t see
exit. If it seems that there is nothing to live for, live with clean slate. In something
even this is an advantage. You are also lucky with your mother that she does not put pressure on you and
believes in you. Live for that faith of hers. And believe in yourself. If at school
something happened, it's not your fault, but someone else's.
I also had problems with communication, and as far as I understood you correctly,
for similar reasons. I didn't know how to deal with it. Even go to a psychologist
I couldn't - and I was afraid of that too. I managed to get rid of the problems
with communication in this way: I simply forced myself to communicate, through the strength I fought
stiffness, fears, stupor, etc. I think you understand this feeling.
I was looking for a reason to call and through fear, through shaking knees, I called. Moreover,
tips like ask what time it is, bring a magazine that can someone
interest, ask if they saw the person that the teacher said, nothing
did not help. And I gradually overcame all my fears through strength. you too
it will work if there are still such problems. Find yourself a team
new in the gym, on some courses, or somewhere else, you force yourself there
communicate, show yourself to be who you want to appear ("clown", shirt-guy
the soul of the company, etc.). They see you for the first time, and do not know what you are,
neither about your problems at the university, at school they do not know. I think it needs
understand that they need it too, and, in principle, climb out of the skin, rack their brains,
how to become the most desirable for them best friend, to impose on someone you do not
should. People need to understand that they may also be interested in you. Means,
they need to show it somehow.
I also had a great desire to leave the university. It's just horrendous
I really wanted this. I slept and saw how I was expelled. I didn't like
future profession. Maybe you didn't like yours either? What course
You've gone? Is there a possibility of "unfinished higher"? If you liked the future
profession, and you quit for some other reason, there is a possibility
recover (if you, of course, want to)?
Take a closer look at yourself, listen to your heart. Whatever
a little bit you like it, because something at least a little should attract you? dreams
childhood, did you have any hobbies when you were little? You write what you want
do something at home but quit? And why, because it did not work, or quickly
burned out? Of course, a career as a ballet dancer or figure skater is unlikely to succeed. But
some manage. Through near-creative professions, they pave the way to a dream.
My friend decided to become a singer, having no hearing, no voice, no musical
education, but still sings. True, he is a disgrace to the whole region, but he is learning, they say,
"I will, and that's it!" She says that if you don't try, you'll never succeed. And you
find something to your liking, look for ways to achieve the goal in this area and
go to her.
I do not claim that this is so, but I think the problem is education. Either you gave up
too early, or the chosen profession was simply not yours. Therefore, I would
I went to study in your place, and it's never too late to study. And your brother probably
just once did right choice, but not in the genes.
I had a similar situation, and I improved it when I found something to my liking,
and insolently went to her goal. Plus hobbies support. Silly maybe
advice (and maybe you have already been given it), but try watching the movie The Secret.
It didn't really help me much, but it always lifts my spirits. I sometimes
I am reviewing. And some directly "saved". I know several such people.
Good luck to you! Do not lose heart! You are simply amazing man! It's OK
Did not happen. Everything will be a bunch!)))

Baska, age: 26/06/06/2012

Or maybe you should try to take responsibility for someone. You talked about orphanages, how many abandoned ones there are unnecessary. And you can come as an older brother, because children love just like that, not for appearance or money. pride. You consider yourself special even in bad. So become special in good. There is always a way out. But death is not a way out, this is the end.

Katya, age: 38 / 06/06/2012

Go to confession and confess all your sins, ask: Lord, I have repented, help me to improve. You talk about your mother with such disdain, there is a commandment to honor your father and mother, and it will be good for you. And how does your lifestyle affect your mother? we thought she might be holding on with her last strength, as I understand it, you have to do something for yourself, they feed you, support you and you are happy with everything. If everything is so bad that there is no way for yourself, then do it for your mother, not for her sake, but for the peace of her heart. As a mother, I know what can be in her heart when such a gift is nearby. Think, you are far from being a fool, you will excuse a little boor towards your loved ones. Do not be offended by my words, but answer yourself what will happen to you in a year, in five to ten years. Where do you see yourself, look into your heart, what do you really want. Envy is like rust, it will devour your Soul. Achieve for yourself everything that is important, clothes, sports, recreation. You will have something to respect yourself for. Self-respect is the last thing left for a person when it seems that everything is worse than ever. If in such a state a person sees even a drop of light, kindness in himself, if he believes in the possibility of something good for himself, then he will act. he has problems with drugs, problems with his will, there is no relationship with his father, his father simply does not want to know anything about him, he fell many times, got up and fell again. He has an education of only 7 classes, a certificate was bought for 9kl. in order not to disgrace himself when applying for a job, he is very quick-tempered, proud, proud man. But today is the third day when he went to work, because he believed in the possibility of changing his life. This is my own son, I am proud of him, I love him, I support him. That's why I know exactly what your mom is going through. Good luck to you, and good luck in your good endeavors.

Olga, age: 51 / 06/06/2012

I can't help but thank you all for your responses :) I feel how the forces come to change something. But unfortunately they will most likely leave, as before, because I have been told the same things a million times.
Is it really so with all people that you never have any strength, you always have to force yourself? Why does this envy and thirst for material goods not go away? On the this moment I can't get them anyway. I used to work in a nursing home for a while, super the right job, but there was no satisfaction that someone needs me. Now I have been living for years only for the sake of my mother, because if she were gone, I would not hesitate ... But this joy does not come from the fact that someone needs me ... My own business? Somehow he is not interested in anything, even if you start to practice. How people can find interest in this is a mystery to me.

And ask that since a million times you have been told all this, then why are you writing? I don't even know. And that's better than nothing. There is a microscopic chance that your comments will somehow respond or hear that someone was able to get out of my situation.

auroville , age: 28 / 06/07/2012

Hello! A miracle will not happen to you until something that is called a sign happens to you. I don’t know how to explain it to you. Such an event in life that would inspire you to take decisive measures. get a job, it seems to me that there is a genius in every person, a person cannot live life so simply. made me think, you know, my goal in itself is to help my parents, and I’m just fooling around! So you should have the same goal! It’s hard for your mother, you sit, write, but you have to force yourself to do it. I screamed that I would be independent, but I was even afraid to stand behind the counter in order to earn money for bread, this time of vagrancy exhausted me and taught me to look at everything differently. I have the same social phobia as you! I struggle with it! Better get away from your mom, rent an apartment!

Song, age: 24 / 06/08/2012

Hello.
Believe me, I am writing to you, because your life is important not only to your parents. Mom gave birth, loved and took care of you when you were little. And I'm sure I still hope. I ask you, no matter how it hurts your heart, lonely or bitter, endure it anyway. Because suicides bury their loved ones alive. Morally buried. The souls of suicides go to hell.
I respect you for your position in morally. About the gene, if only it were that simple. You know very well yourself that different children are born to good and healthy parents, and it happens vice versa. Here it is up to God to decide how it should be.
The vices you mentioned are common to everyone. Who has more, who has less. All are sinful. It's important to keep praying. Here you are lazy Bad mood yesterday, today, and you still say "Lord have mercy!" Even if you don't feel anything. Plan for yourself even the smallest step, the smallest thing that you can do today, even if you clean the room. Or just call about work. Then try again. And when you find a job, and then after some time you don’t want to go there, like it’s not prestigious, tired, freaks, I can’t see them - squeeze laziness and unwillingness into a fist and go to work anyway. Even in the Bible it is said that a person will then earn his bread on this earth. And it doesn't matter if it doesn't come out today. Do it tomorrow. It's important to try. Just try. Even through the fall and their own unbelief. Take it out! You will definitely get it! In what you try, you train your will.
Then take courage and get acquainted through no with the girl! It doesn't work - no problem! There are many girls, you will definitely find yours. Better through Orthodox sites.
Where did you get the idea that without suffering difficulties in this life, it will be better there? Everyone has difficulties, everyone has their own. You can't even imagine life without them.
To be honest with myself, prayer is important to me. Required. This gives me the strength to write responses here, and generally endure a lot in my life. With prayer it is easier to endure grief. Because you understand that the Lord always loves you, you just have to try to live according to the Commandments, according to your conscience, not to despair.
YOU MUST FIND A JOB. For starters, any. When you sit stupidly at home, all sorts of thoughts climb into your head. Find a way to help others. This is the first thing you can do to help yourself.
Understand, everything that I wrote to you, I tried it myself and I do it myself. I sincerely hope things get better for you. God's help!

Sergey K, age: 29 / 10.06.2012

Hello again!
It is very good that you feel that strength is coming :) The main thing is that you will not lose this spark, and do not let it go anywhere. It remains only to think where it will grow further, where to apply these forces.
You write: “Is it really so with all people that there is never any strength, you always have to force yourself? Why does this envy and thirst for material goods not go away? If I understood you correctly, then you are oppressed by the fact that you desire material wealth?
I don’t know if it’s appropriate, but for some reason I involuntarily remembered the lines from the legend written by Mamin-Sibiryak “A hungry and naked person does not become fairer just because he is naked and hungry.” Yes, this is not an excerpt from the Bible, not from the teachings of the holy fathers, but from fiction, but it seems to me that Mamin-Sibiryak was right. I think there is nothing wrong with wanting material goods. And don't blame yourself if you want a different life. If a person has moved to a dilapidated dacha, puts on old things and eats what God sends, this is not called " good man', but a slacker, in my opinion.
Do something, change. If the thirst for material wealth does not go away, why drive it? Material wealth, of course, is not everything, happiness, as you know, cannot be bought for money, and you can sit in luxurious castles and suffer from loneliness and pain. I think a balance needs to be found. You need to find your favorite thing, which will become a matter of life, and do it, but do it because you love it, do not treat it as a source of money. So, if you cannot get rid of this thirst, let it become your impetus for action. No, there's nothing wrong with that. Drive away envy, if there is any, and make this thirst a goal and a normal desire for a good life.
You see, what a fine fellow you are - you worked in a nursing home. It seemed to you that you were not needed there, they just probably could not show how much they appreciate your work, your presence nearby.
Living for the sake of mom is, no doubt, amazing and touching, but it is unlikely that our mothers would like us to be close, albeit unhappy, but close. I'm sure mom wants you to be happy and successful, not just to have the opportunity to enjoy your company. No, this, of course, is also important, but it is better if you are happy nearby than unhappy.
I understand, maybe it seems to you that the prospects are gone, that you are so not interested in anything, and have no idea how to live on. In order for something to change, you need to change something yourself. It seems to me. Imagine that you are driving along a well-trodden, monotonous road, nothing changes, no prospects ... And only if you yourself do not turn onto another, new one, it will continue to go on until, for reasons beyond your control, something suddenly it doesn’t change: a cliff, mountains, a bump ... Many have been in a similar situation, almost every third, and everyone will most likely tell you that you need to make every effort, you need to change something, you need to do something. If I were you, I would find some business that would interest me at least a little. At least a little…. Well, you are not a robot to see everything in one color, because you highlight something, because there is, probably, some kind of business that you "never and for nothing." For me, for example, this is everything related to economics and accounting, because it is difficult for me. And some other business can be more or less tolerably done. Believe me, there are such lazy people who literally they lie on the couch all day, not because of illness, but simply because there is nothing to hunt. But you are not like that, and you have proved it more than once, because you tried to do something around the house, and worked somewhere, and wrote here ... It seems to me that you simply cannot find yourself. So everything will work out for you if you yourself want it. There is no one recipe for everyone. Someone comes out difficult situations through long work on oneself, and someone went to a beauty salon and says that everything has changed there. Look into your heart, you yourself should know the answer. Why did you have to drop out of university? Maybe that's the problem? Maybe you didn’t want to do that job, or, on the contrary, you just wanted to do it, but you had to quit, and without that profession life is not sweet? Find a meaning for yourself, what is your happiness ... Maybe, in order to answer this question, you need to go to rest, think, be alone ...?
And it seems to me that Sergey K is right. Find yourself a job. No, I'm not saying that you are a slacker, it would just be good to do this for a start. And get distracted, and talk, and we will pay salaries (it’s also nice :))
Are you wondering if anyone could get out of your situation? I had to hear about one person whom I myself had not seen. This is my aunt's friend's brother-in-law. They said that he was not interested in anything. And then he opened a company and got rich, however, this happened after his wife, unable to stand it, kicked him out (divorced him). I think he wanted to prove to everyone that he is better than they think about him. He provided for his wife, daughter and mother-in-law (now I don’t know what happened to them), but he never returned to them.
It seems to me that you are one of those people who cannot do what they do not like. They can't, that's all! And there is no joy from the type of activity that you have to do. Do you feel that you are needed because you think that you are not useful, or do you feel that no one needs you? If the former, then it seems to me that this is happening because you are needed somewhere else, where your happiness is. And if the latter, then you are mistaken, your mother and those who love you need you.
Good luck with everything!)

Baska, age: 26/11.06.2012

Thank you very much again to everyone for the feedback. You think that there are people who are not completely indifferent even to people like me. And you think about how to write so that people understand the situation, so that they don’t waste their time and mine, giving advice based on incorrect information. And on the other hand, how to write so as not to be too long.
Went to work now, after almost 5 years of rest from full-time work. The work is not serious, no one watches how you do it, a friend is always there and supports you in every possible way. Other people are good too. It's good to start. But it convinced me unimaginably more how my brain doesn't work properly. What to argue, what to do with your hands - somehow everything is not human ... creative thinking and courage in experiments - zero. This is bad. I would sit at home and not know how much I lagged behind everything.
And as for the difficulties, I will say that I do not at all think that they should not exist. But there are two types of difficulties. With some, you experience specific jitters, sweat pours, but nevertheless you fight to the end with passion. With others, you just can’t and leave. As a former gamer, I know this difference. There were difficult games, for which it was even scary to take on, and I sat at night. And others were impossible from the very beginning, and did not give any pleasure: if you only lose, you quickly get bored. I have only the second type of difficulty in my life, and if I cannot radically change my life in the near future, then I may have to “press off”, like in an impossible game, so as not to sit in vain. I'm not saying that you need to give up, but I've been trying for a long time, and I'll keep trying, but I don't know how much more I can do. I didn't really stay at home, though. I lived in different cities, tried to communicate with many people, tried to start with elementary things. And I can’t even start anywhere, I immediately give up on everything, apparently for this everything you already need more ingenuity, will, etc. than I have.
And from hell no one came back here, so it is not known whether he exists at all. But somehow it is not in the style of God to create someone deprived and threaten him with eternal torment if he is dissatisfied. Like, live a freak, say thank you that you live at all, it will not be worse. And if there is a hell, then I would choose to go there, just not to see how good God is and how bad I am. Yes, and such thoughts torment sometimes. Previously, everyone’s beauty and positive somehow brought joy, motivated, but now this often also causes depression and thoughts that this is not for me. spiritual level.

Lots of complaints again, but how can you write more when there really isn't much else to write about? I would like to accurately describe the situation. There are still some banal reasons to rejoice like: everything, including the bad, is not forever, or there - the sun is shining, the world is not without good people. Yes, and I believe in God, but in my own way, trying on the basis of logic and feelings inside, and not just as they say. Maybe I still somehow hold on to it, when many would not have survived, because self-respect is really what helps when there is no other. I don't have that either.

auroville , age: 28/16/06/2012

The other day I was looking for laziness, I opened a lot of tabs in the browser ... I abandoned it for a couple of days, and now I'm back, and this page is the first one I updated and read, and the scribe, o_O o_O o_O I'm in shock !!! Yes, we are COPIES with you, only I'm 25

And I don’t have a brother, I lived without a father, I’m shy, I never worked, I stayed at home for several years, lagged behind life, while I’m also degrading ... sometimes I sit at home for months, I can’t even go to the store ...

But you're like better position than me, you worked, went somewhere, talked, lived in different cities

There are a few questions, answer if it's not difficult, Pts need ...

How many classes did you complete at school?
How long did you study at uni? who did you study?
Younger brother - how old is he? lives with you? what does he do?
Where is father? lives with you? what does he do?
Outwardly, do you like yourself? or is there a problem?
Perhaps there was a friend with whom you were friends for a very long time?
Have you had internet for a long time?
"I score on everything" - when you score, what do you do?
Do you live in an apartment or a house? How many years have you lived there?

Maximka, age: 25/17.06.2012

maximka,
Well, I don't know if it's worse for you. You have dared to speak in such a manner to to a stranger and even older than you by 3 years. No, this is absolutely normal, probably, but with my complexes I think I could not do that.

I will answer your questions like this:

Graduated from high school.
- I was at the university for 3 years. Specialty is not important, I think, in general, it is connected with nature.
- The younger one is 1.5 years younger than me. Lives abroad. Now he works there, but not in his specialty yet. Graduated from the highest thin. school. Married.
- Intelligent father creative person, charismatic is also a bit. I won't go into details for now. He lives separately. In another city.
-Outwardly with a face more or less. And the body is fragile and weak, only there are few muscles on the legs, and everything looks somehow feminine and childish.
- I didn't have a girlfriend. There were feelings, but I can't afford something like that in my position. There is another friend. But I don't have much contact with her, just like with other friends.
-Internet for a long time. Years since 2000.
- When I score, I do nothing. I ride a bike, just lie down, etc., think about my problems. Or rather, I look through these thoughts in my head, which pour themselves. And I do everything very slowly, the usual life like cleaning and shopping can easily eat up half a day, and then again I decide to do something, I plan for centuries, I even sometimes try to paint everything in detail, but it never gets to the point. Have you read Oblomov? When I read it, I was shocked. It turns out that you can also write a book about people like me. What did Oblomov do? Here I am too. I sit on the Internet, but I don’t do anything, I watch the news, YouTube, sometimes I browse Wikipedia, I tried to translate, but my brain refuses to work. True, here one acquaintance gave me translations, I did them, because there was some money for them, but terribly slowly. I even read very slowly, so I need a lot of time to read. There were times when I played games all day long. And I don't even talk online.

Mostly lived in apartments. Mom also has an apartment. Now he's gone to live on his own again. After university, I always leave to live on my own, sometimes with my mother for some time. But the fact that I myself lived is even worse than that of my mother. Then I generally isolate myself from everything. Yes, and a lot of money went into this business. I have just left for work.

What happened with me? Since you say that you have the same crap, can you talk about this topic somehow? Did you manage to figure out what's wrong with you? So far it seems to me that I can’t think about anything at will, that’s the whole problem. It is simply impossible to focus on anything, even if they were standing with a gun at their temples. That's why I can't communicate. So I can't remember anything. Therefore, I first think one thing, then another. All people have poor control over their thoughts, this is a fact. But I'm much worse. I'm just freaking out at my quick wit and speed of thought ordinary people at a construction site, from the breadth and systematization of their knowledge. They tell me to graduate from the university, but I’m even scared to think about how the brains of specialists with higher education. For some, it seems that I am cleverly stating, but I say - stand in front of me an elementary task, and that's it, a blue screen in the brain. Why I can't concentrate, I don't know. Apparently, the brain is like a spine - if you use it incorrectly from childhood, then the defect is for life. Or I have some form of autism, but doctors say that everything is ok. They give tests for the completely crazy, of course. Unfortunately, apparently medicine has not yet studied my problems. Previously, people like me were slaves or worked as janitors, etc., lived without any problems, had a place in society. And now, in the age of information technology, people like me can no longer survive so easily (everywhere the mind is needed), so medicine is only now beginning to investigate this issue. Yes, the problem is complex. Of course, I was terribly lazy, lived in bad faith, freaked out, etc. Many factors.

auroville, age: 28/18/06/2012

"dared to address in such a manner" - well, I don’t always do this, basically I kind of determined for myself that for “you” it’s for those people who are older than my parents, and they are already over 45-50, and who are younger in principle you can, well, when

Are you often compared to your brother? or with friends? like you are like that, but they are ALREADY like that, they got married, work, etc...
Or do you often compare yourself?
If they compare, does it hurt you? is it in your thoughts and problems?

How many years have you been living without a father?

The main problems with girls, is it not the shyness of their appearance?

Internet since 2000) wow) would I like it or not ...
Perhaps this also affected you, perhaps you spent too much time at the computer when you were supposed to walk and chat ...
Did you spend a lot of time at the computer?

I've got carried away with the computer of norms, right now I already seem to be addicted, without the Internet, you can finally be a scribe ...
Games didn’t pin me very much, basically I poked around in the system, programs, music, movies ...
I’ve had the Internet somewhere since 2005, I probably don’t remember exactly, somewhere a year later I started looking for how to make money on the net, and so far I’ve been doing this)) I work, study, etc.

Oblomov did not read
"you can also write a book about people like me" funny))) I also thought about it))

Do you watch films? if not, I advise you to start
I bookmark 5-7 sites "movies online", somewhere a couple of times a week I look through them, there are days when I watch movies, they help ...

Probably quit with games if you still play

"Can we talk about this somehow?" I don't mind at all

"Have you managed to figure out what's wrong with you?" - what exactly I didn’t seem to understand, but I realized that it is “curable”, slowly passes ...

"it's scary to think about how the brains of specialists with higher education work" there is such a thing)))

"brains are like a spine - if you use it incorrectly from childhood, then a defect for life" forget it, and don't inspire yourself with it

You wrote for a long time what you wrote on 06/18/2012?
"I cleverly state" yes, that is abstruse)) did not try to make money on this? copywrite rewrite...
The current on this page you wrote somewhere around 10,000 characters, and this is 20-30 + ue))

What else to write, I have never written so much before)

Maximka, age: 25/21.06.2012

Hi Maksimka.

I did not mean "you", but "0.o scribe" and so on.

No, they don't compare me. Everyone says that I'm no worse than them. Yes, not worse. But I cannot communicate with them and be useful to them, it upsets me.
I can't because I don't know anything and I can't. And I don’t know how to force myself to learn something if thoughts are beyond any control.

Without a father since the age of 15. And in general, I didn’t talk much with him, he was at work all the time.

Why are there problems with girls, see what I wrote at the beginning of this post. Appearance is a secondary factor.

What earnings in an Internet you mean? Freelancing or forex, some poker or other methods? MMM appeared again, I remember in the early 90s there was a major divorce ...

You see, you probably understand a computer quite well since you have been studying programs, etc. since 2005. I tried to understand this, but like in any other matter, it is too complicated, and the desire to study it disappears.

I don’t play games now, but a major depression can drive them again.

I rarely watch films, because I have never been able to concentrate on them, and this makes me bored.

I'm glad you "understood that it can be cured." It is interesting only, in my case - how? Why don't homeless people become themselves again normal people? Or become? I am the same bum, only I have a computer and money either from my mother, or by luck for a hack job.

As for the fact that the brain cannot be ruined like the spine, I have not seen evidence that this is not so, however, I have not seen evidence against it either.

Copyright, rewrite did not think. I write badly, the most hated thing at school was essays. Or rather, I even thought about it in the future, so that before that - translations. But I can’t do translations to the stream, I need to study the language better, and so that the brains work 10 times better than now.

You probably think that I'm a perfectionist, building problems out of nothing. But I say - now I got into the team and I see what kind of attitude the guys have to work - and I understand that I turn out to be indifferent.

If you don’t mind, there is a chat on gmail, well, or just write to gmail, well, in extreme cases, you can do it here, only I will be private here to some extent.

That's all for now, the atom will go again to 10 thousand characters).

auroville, age: 28/24.06.2012

Hello auroville! You know, I noticed that
when you fly to great speed along the road, then
your brain starts to work faster, and
on the contrary, when you drive around the city with
minimum speed you start to blunt. Therefore
I concluded that the richer your
life, the less time is left for melancholy
and dark thoughts. and in order to fill
You have to take responsibility for your life
be it mother or child. The thing is, me too
a person prone to reflection, but when
there comes a moment when it is required of me
help, then I forget about all my shortcomings and
I begin such a stormy activity and at the same time
I really open up such talents, oh
which I didn't even suspect. I just don't
understood a long time ago. that I am smart, strong-willed sociable,
cheerful and charismatic girl, and I am 30 years old
I was told that I was stupid, shy, weak
Gray mouse)))

Natalia, age: 38 / 07/04/2012

Worked for a while already and everything happened as I thought. There is simply no strength to force myself not to run away from these people, who in all respects are a million times better than me. After all, hell is for sinners who cannot endure the fire of the righteousness of God. I cannot stand the fire of righteousness even of ordinary people, what can I say about God ... I must leave this job, although it will end so soon.

Do I ask a lot from God when I want only one thing, without which I absolutely cannot live? I need my brains to work when I want, and for the necessary thoughts to appear. And not like now, at work there are so many thoughtless jambs. A million times they told me that I need to think creatively, they showed me all sorts of interesting solutions, but what's the point? Every time you want to think about the right thing, not a single thought. Every time you do it yourself, you do everything wrong, because you have wrong thoughts.

In a micro-percentage of people, the brains work probably just as badly or worse. But I would rather die than enter this micro-percentage.

The more you think about whether it is worth living on, the more obvious it becomes that it is not worth it. I am sure that in every year of my life I suffer more than my parents would have suffered for the rest of their lives after my death. Why? Because they would still have close people, but I don’t have anyone close, and never have. No one has ever understood or tried to understand me. Parents try to love me but real love cannot be one-sided. I don't like them and can't help it. Maybe if they understood me, it would be different.

auroville, age: 28 / 30.07.2012

Hello)) this is Song) sometimes I re-read articles when I feel bad. I wanted to ask you how things are going?? are there any changes?:)

Song, age: 24/27.08.2012

Dear author, you are too sorry for yourself. I have the same problem as you. Reading your letter, I realized that it is impossible to become limp.
Pity won't help you. You need to pull yourself together and prepare for endless bumps and falls. You have to be brave. Everyone is cowardly. Your
the complex can turn into great wisdom when you overcome it. You will know what loneliness is, become more sensitive to
other people's problems, get inner strength. The main thing is to fight. Do not give up under any circumstances. Gotta fight for your life, whatever
she was not heavy.

Fields, age: 18 / 20.10.2013

I would be very glad if after so much time you read my response. I also felt that I was degrading, and I did not want to live like that until I fell madly in love with one guy. Although love turned out to be unrequited, it filled some void inside. I realized what feelings I am capable of, and for the sake of these feelings I just wanted to live again. To love someone, you need to know a person: how he lives, what his interests, life guidelines. another person. Let it be hard, you need to break yourself, because then you will be completely disappointed in life and make the wrong choice not in favor of it. For the sake of love, it is worth living, believe me.

Alena, age: 18 / 09.11.2013

Oh, came here by accident after such a long gap! What can I say? The desire to commit suicide has completely disappeared, either because I take an antidepressant, or because I have become even more vegetable, i.e. now they can't even go for it. Let's wait and see what happens next, there are some plans, some hopes. ... there was only dirt at the bottom of the pockets of clothes and some kind of feeling, something like hope (c) Dolphin

auroville , age: 11/29/2013

Previous request Next request

What causes conflicts? It would seem that every person does not want to join it, but somehow it still happens. One of obvious reasons the emergence of disputes and abuse is an irresistible and often unconscious desire to manage, control, rule. On this basis, difficulties arise: I have communication problems I can't communicate with people - we just really want to be right, prove our point of view, defend it and convince others of it.

Of course, such a desire to control everything around causes an internal rebuff from communication partners. It is understandable, who wants to constantly listen to claims, criticism or dissatisfaction. We all prefer simplicity and lightness in everything. This is how conflict arises. Failures in communication lead to frustration, irritation, anger, which provoke headaches, depression, depression and other physical illnesses.

Someone takes out their anger on loved ones, someone is tormented by remorse, others give their word to behave more restrainedly and respond to everything adequately. However, these are only temporary measures, time passes and everything repeats, we step on the same rake.

Realizing: “I have problems with communication”, a person strives to find a way out. The simplest thing is to limit or exclude him from your life. Turning into a closed lonely hermit, you can bring yourself to psychosis, visual and auditory hallucinations. Or sink to communicate with just anyone, getting into a not the best circle of friends. Communication - main part our life, we need it, almost like water or clothes, and it is impossible to protect ourselves from it.

Others, strong strong-willed personalities unable to admit to themselves that I can't communicate with people, resort to total control and demand absolute submission, both at work and in the family. This manifestation of communication problems provokes loneliness. Employees run away from such leaders, spouses leave, as a result they are left alone, completely disappointed, but confident that they have been betrayed. Anger at everything around increases, as do physical ailments.

There are people who just run away when problems arise. They change their place of work, residence, get divorced, even come to another city or country. It is strange why they do not understand that moving to a new place of residence, changing jobs and friends, they also brought their inability to get along with people. And in a new place everything starts all over again.

Failure to find mutual language with others manipulates our behavior, it is necessary to get rid of it. It forces us to work where we don't want to, live with people we don't like or be lonely, change friends, drink alcohol, associate with dysfunctional people, and get sick. Therefore, while it is still possible to fix it, admit to yourself: I cannot communicate with people, I need help or support, because I have problems with communication. And immediately begin to change your life for the better.

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