I message communication examples. Technique "I - messages"

We learn to communicate. I am the message

When you talk about your feelings to a child, then speak in the FIRST PERSON: ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT YOUR experience, and not about HIM, not about HIS behavior.
Psychologists have called statements of this kind "I-messages."

They can be:

1. I I don't like it when children walk around disheveled, and to me ashamed of the views of neighbors.

2. to me it is difficult to get ready for work when someone is crawling under your feet, and I I stumble all the time.

3. Me Loud music is very annoying.

A parent might say differently:

1. Well you for the view!

2. Stop crawling here you bother me!

3. You could you be quieter?

These statements use the words you, you, you. They can be called "You-messages."

At first glance, there is little difference between the “I” and “You” messages. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and "more convenient". However, in response to them, the child is offended, defended, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them.

After all, each "You-message", in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism of the child. Here is a typical dialogue:

When are you finally going to start cleaning your room?! (Accusation.)

Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!

How are you talking to me? (Condemnation, threat.)

What did I say?

The I-message has a number of benefits compared to "You are the message".

1. It allows you to express your negative feelings in a way that is harmless to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation in order to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to desired result. As already mentioned, it is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdraw or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace - war.

Recently, I happened to be present at a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset, and recalled, crying, all her "grievances":

“You don’t think that I don’t understand how when you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing a tape recorder, instead of learning lessons, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw, I saw it, you can not deny it! I knew it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”

This reaction of the girl was a direct consequence of the latent discontent of her mother. I thought: what subtle and observant "psychologists" our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings!

2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us parents better. Often we protect ourselves from children with the armor of “authority”, which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of the "educator" and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.

I recently overheard a mother on the phone with her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how difficult the lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I'm very happy! And are you happy? Thanks!". It was nice to see such an emotional closeness between mother and son.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in expressing theirs. Children begin to feel that adults trust them, and they can be trusted too.

Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing:

“My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he began to deeply, consciously, but more to himself, miss his father. Somehow he escaped: “I would go to the cinema with dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably because we don’t have a dad. Yes, and I'm not happy. If you had a dad, I had a husband, it would be much more interesting for us to live. My son broke through: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears poured out.

I wept furtively, too. But it became easier for both of us ... I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Is not it?".

Mom intuitively found Right words: told the boy about his experience (active listening), and also told about hers (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both of them, that mother and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the I-message.

“Since I started using I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter has almost disappeared requests like: “Give me!”, “Play with me!”. More often it sounds “I want to ...”, “I can’t wait any longer.”

In this way, it is much easier for parents to learn about the feelings and needs of the child.

4. And finally, by expressing our feelings without an order or reprimand, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then - amazing! - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Learning how to send "I-messages" is not easy, just like actively listening to a child. It will take practice, and at first it will be difficult to avoid mistakes. One of them is that sometimes, starting with the “I-message”, parents end the phrase “You-message”.

For example: " to me don't like that you such a slob!” or " Me annoying it your whimper!”.

This error can be avoided by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns summarizing words. For example:

I don't like it when people sit down at the table with dirty hands.

It annoys me when kids whine.

Tasks

Choose from the parents' answers the one that most closely matches the "I-message". (You will find the answers at the end of this lesson).

Situation 1. How many times do you call your daughter to sit down at the table. She replies: “Now,” and continues to go about her business. You started getting angry. Your words:

1. How many times do you have to say!

2. I get angry when I have to repeat the same thing.

3. It makes me angry when you disobey.

Situation 2. You have an important conversation with a friend. The child keeps interrupting him. Your words:

1. It is difficult for me to talk when I am interrupted.

2. Don't bother talking.

3. Can't you do something else while I'm talking?

Situation 3. You come home tired. Your teenage son has friends, music, and fun. On the table are traces of their tea drinking. You experience a mixed feeling of irritation and resentment ("If only you would think of me!"). Your words:

1. Doesn't it occur to you that I might be tired?!

2. Clean up your dishes.

3. I am offended and angry when I come tired and find a mess at home.

Answers to the task.

Situation 1.

The "I-message" would be phrase 2.

Line 1 has a typical "You-message", phrase 3 begins as "I-message" and then transitions to "You-message".

Situation 2.

"I-message" - phrase 1, both the rest - "You-message". Although “you” is absent in the second phrase, it is implied (read “between the lines”).

Situation 3.

"I am the message" - phrase 3.

From the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. “Communicate with a child HOW?”

The I-message technique

What do you usually say to a person when you are dissatisfied with his behavior or act? “You were late again”, “You did not fulfill the request”, “You constantly leave the door open”, as well as many other phrases, the meaning of which depends on the specific situation. What unites all these statements? They all start with an accusation against another person. In psychology, such phrases are called You-messages.

Such evaluative-accusatory judgments usually put a person in a defensive position, he subconsciously has a feeling that he is being attacked. That is why in most cases, in response to such a phrase, a person begins to defend himself, and the best way defense, as you know, is an attack. As a result, such a conversation threatens to escalate into a conflict, and unproductive.

To avoid conflicts and at the same time make sure that your partner hears you, the use of I-messages will help. The technique of I-messages can be successfully applied both in family and in business communication. Any dissatisfaction that we usually express through a You-message can be presented to a person in a different way, using the technique of I-messages. Phrase in this case consists of four main parts:

1. You need to start the phrase with a description of the fact that you do not like in the behavior of another person. And to do this philologically as neutrally as possible, best of all with impersonal or indefinitely personal sentences. No other person's ratings! For example, like this: “When they are late ...”, “When you have to ask for a long time”, “When the door is left open.”

3. Then you need to explain what effect this behavior has on you or on others. In the example of being late, the continuation could be: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze,” “because it’s coming through the door,” “because it seems that we are strangers.”

4. In the optional fourth, reinforcing, final part of the phrase, you must report your desire, that is, what kind of behavior you would like to see instead of the one that made you dissatisfied. I will continue with examples: “I would really like you to call me if you cannot come on time”, “I would prefer that the door be closed”, “I would like to count on your help”.

As a result, instead of the accusation “You are late again”, we get a phrase like “When you are late, I get angry because I have to freeze for a long time on the street. I would really like you to call me if you can't come on time."

You-message "You constantly do not comply with my requests" can be replaced with the I-message "When it takes a long time to ask, I get upset because it seems that we are strangers. I'd be happy to count on your help." You-message "You left the door open again" turns into "When the door is open, it bleeds out and I'm afraid of catching a cold. I wish it was closed all the time."

Using the technique of I-messages requires some experience, because it is not always possible to quickly orient and restructure the phrase, but over time it will get better and better. The technique of I-messages does not force the partner to defend himself; on the contrary, it invites him to dialogue, gives him the opportunity to express his opinion and leaves both participants in the dialogue room for maneuver.

Sperla .. from where I don’t remember) But it’s interesting!

"Don't tell me what to do

and I won't tell you where to go"

A running joke.

Thursday is the end of the week. If you are still considering how to gently point out to your subordinate his mistakes in his work and explain to him how to act more correctly, or if you need to talk to your husband or wife about some of his behavior or actions that make you nervous and worried, or if your child does not understand your dissatisfaction and does everything as if to harm you, then it's time to think about HOW we usually try to convey our thoughts to people who live, work, and relax next to us. The fact is that we often accuse other people of misunderstanding, of negative emotions, of unwillingness to listen and hear us, without noticing how we ourselves, unwillingly, negatively influence their emotions, we ourselves provoke defensive reactions, retaliatory aggression and unwillingness to follow our the right advice". How does this happen? Surprisingly, this is due to incorrect phrasing! Not because of WHAT specifically we want to say or WHY we do it! The problem may lie in HOW we do it! The same thought can be verbalized in different ways. Conventionally, all our messages to other people can be divided into two types "I-messages" and "You-messages". The difference is that when we build our phrases in the form of "I-messages", we, first of all, describe what happens to us in response to the behavior or words of another person, and not tell him how to act in order to we got better. "You-message", on the contrary, first of all, contains a recommendation to another how to act, while it may not convey any information about why exactly we believe that the other person should do this. Simply put, the "I-message" is frank information about you, what you need, what your needs are, what your reaction is to certain words of the interlocutor, his behavior and / or the current situation. "You-message" is an attempt to act immediately on another, bypassing explanations own state, in fact, this is an order, criticism, often accusations. A simple example from SMS correspondence: Message "Where are you?" we are all familiar with - perhaps we ourselves have sent and received such messages more than once. And what kind of feeling does such a message cause in the recipient? Does he need to report, give explanations, perhaps even justify himself? Is this what the sender wanted? Maybe he/she wanted to say "I'm waiting for you!", "I missed you (missed you)!" or "I don't have time to wait anymore, let's reschedule our meeting for another day"?
Feel the difference? These are examples of "You-messages" and "I-messages". And although at first glance the difference between "I" and "You-messages" may seem insignificant, the message that the interlocutor receives differs dramatically in the messages!
Undoubtedly, the "You-message" is more familiar. However, the "I-message" is fraught with so many pleasant bonuses that all the "difficulties of translation" quickly disappear, one has only to start communicating in a new way! The trick (and complexity at the same time) of using "I-messages" is that, first of all, we have to think and understand what is really happening to us - what we feel, how we feel, what we want and why, in response to that we had this emotion, why we made this decision or entered this state. Strange as it may seem, we are often so busy telling others what to do that we simply stop observing ourselves carefully, we stop understanding ourselves - how can we expect other people to understand us correctly? Obviously, in order to be better understood by others, we will have to relearn how to understand ourselves! Listen, look, subtly feel any internal changes states. Instruction: 1. Before expressing your dissatisfaction, first pay attention to what you yourself are now feeling, thinking, feeling. Name it to yourself, verbalize, define it: "I'm feeling irritated right now and I think my boss is an 'idiot'." 2.Think about what you really want from the situation and the conversation related to it: do you really want to change the situation, prevent its further occurrence, or do you want to "merge" your negative emotion on another and come what may!? 3. If you want to real change, then follow the instructions below, if not, then "stupidly" drain the emotion and let everything happen again. 4. Depending on what you want to achieve in communication, make up your "I-message" about what you do not like in communicating with other people. For example: "When they shout at me, I feel like a guilty schoolboy and generally cease to understand the interlocutor" or "When you are late at work and do not call, I feel anxiety and start to go crazy." 5. Use predominantly words in your phrases "me", "me", "me" etc. (instead of the usual "you", "you", "you", etc.) 6. Check out the "translator" below. Make your own list of "You-messages" from those phrases that you say and that you are told at work, at home, in friendly conversations. Translate "You-messages" into "I-messages". 7. Explain this approach as much as you can. more friends and acquaintances. Help each other to translate your messages - sometimes it is easier to reformulate someone else's thought and it turns out better when emotions do not interfere with constructive thinking. 8. Use your new "I-messages" instead of the usual "You-messages" as often as possible. Enjoy new constructive and pleasant communication! Examples of possible translations:

1.You-message	2.I-message
-Stop flickering before your eyes!	-When you walk "back and forth" it is very difficult for me to concentrate!
-Turn off the music as much as you can talk!	-Music interferes with my work
-Make a deal now	-When I do not receive documents from you on time, I have a very unpleasant conversations with clients, and our "Book of reviews and suggestions" is updated with new complaints about my work
- Stop teasing me!	-When I hear rudeness addressed to me, I generally lose the desire to communicate and want to leave
-You should change your style!	-Our bank adopted a uniform dress code for all employees. When someone breaks this rule, it causes displeasure of the management.
- Get it off the table!	- I don't like dirty dishes on the table.
- Dress warmly!	- I'm worried about your health.

By expressing our feelings and thoughts in the "I-message" format, we give the interlocutor the right to make a decision himself, to feel free in his choice, thus saving him from the need to defend himself. However, the use of "I-messages" also requires from us courage and high own self-esteem, because by giving a person the opportunity to decide for himself whether to react at all to our comments, we will invariably find out his true attitude towards us - whether our opinion is important to him, whether he tries to keep warm relationship with us, whether our feelings bother him. And if the answer is not the most joyful for us, then we will have to do something about it, perhaps make decisions that are uncomfortable or difficult for us, from which we have been hiding for a long time. Even so, “I-messages” work for us—providing information and food for thought. In the vast majority of cases, replacing “You-messages with “I-messages” leads to appeasement, improved mutual understanding, normalizes relationships and increases general level communication - it becomes more positive, more respectful and mutually enjoyable!
"I-message" is more effective way influencing a person to change his behavior, which we do not accept, and at the same time maintains favorable relationships between people. Let's look at this using the example of a message from a parent who is tired and does not feel like playing with a child: A tired parent sends a "You-message" to the child: "You bore me", and the child perceives information as - "I am bad". A tired parent sends an "I-message" to the child: "I am very tired", the reaction of the child - "Dad is tired".
the main objective "I-messages" - not to force someone to do something, but to communicate their opinion, their position, their feelings and needs; in this form, the other will hear and understand them much faster. Learning how to send "I-messages" is not easy, there may be mistakes in the beginning. And the main one is that sometimes, starting with an “I-message”, we end up with a “You-message”. For example: “It annoys me that you don’t clean your room!” (compare: “I am annoyed by the mess in the room!”). You can avoid mistakes by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns that generalize words.
Inexperienced parents use "I-messages" to convey their negative feelings and forget to send them to convey positive feelings. For example, a teenager, contrary to the agreement, came home late at night. Possible dialogue: Genus.: "I am outraged by you." Reb.: "I know I'm late." Genus.: "I'm really upset that I had to stay awake." Reb.: "Why? You would sleep and not worry. Genus.: "How could I? I was going crazy,” etc. Here the parent sends only negative "I-messages". In this situation, the instructor specifically asks the parent: “How did you actually feel when your daughter entered the house? What was your first feeling?" The parent reports that it is a feeling of great relief that she returned safely, safe and sound. A dialogue with a positive "I-message" looks like this: Genus.: Thank God you finally came home. I'm so glad, what a relief. I was so afraid that something had happened." Reb.: "You're really happy." The second confrontation is of a completely different quality. In trying to "teach a lesson," we usually lose valuable opportunities to teach them much more fundamental lessons, such as how we love them so much.

Here are the basic rules of "I-message"

4 steps.

1. Feeling.

I'm worried, I'm hurt, I feel resentment, I'm angry, I'm filled with hatred…..

sometimes you can voice the sensations - it squeezes me all over, I turn to stone, .... my hands freeze from fear ... ..

2. Fact.

When you ... ... you say that, you address me in such a tone, you look at me like that, you don’t call me, you talk about it ....

3. Explanation.

It is important to explain to your partner what is happening to you. Why do you feel this way...

because I draw the most terrible pictures in my fantasy,……. because I've been hurt a lot before and I'm afraid you might do the same... I don't understand what is happening to me….. I think that you...,.... Because I feel like a delinquent child in front of the teacher ...., because

4. Desire.

How you want to be treated and what you and your partner will get in the end.

I wish that next time…..and then I…..or we…..or you…..

EXAMPLE using all 4 steps.

1. I'm scared

2. When you talk so loudly.

3. Because I associate screaming with childhood, when a drunken father screamed ......

4. I would like you to hold back your anger next time and speak calmly ....

Relationships based on mutual understanding are built on the following important points:

understanding emotional state the child and the expression in words of what we have understood;

awareness of one's own state and expression of one's own feelings in the correct form.

To understand the condition of the child will help us " Active listening", and to express own feelings and wishes - "I-messages".

Active listening rules.

Before expressing your own thoughts about the situation in which the child is, you must, first of all, understand him, understand how he feels in this situation. This is easy to do if you listen carefully to what the child says. Behind any phrases you can hear the feelings that he is experiencing at this moment. And by telling the child that we know about his experiences, we give him the opportunity to talk about his experiences and be understood.

To do this, it is best to say what exactly, according to your impression, the child feels now and call this feeling “by name”. This technique is called Active Listening.

Actively listening to a child means returning to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feelings.

Son: He took my car!

Mom: You are very upset and angry with him.

Son: I won't go there again!

Dad: You don't want to go to school anymore.

Daughter: I won't wear that stupid hat!

Mom: You don't like her very much.

Features and rules of conversation according to the method of active listening:

Firstly. Be sure to face the child. It is important that your and his eyes are at the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or put him on your knees; you can gently pull the child to you, come up or move your chair closer to him.

Secondly. If you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form.

The affirmative form shows that the parent has tuned in to the "emotional wave" of the child, that he hears and accepts his feelings. A phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

Thirdly. It is very important to “keep a pause” in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to be silent. Pauses help the child understand his experience and at the same time feel more fully that you are near. If the child’s eyes do not look at you, but to the side, “inside” or far away, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary inner work is happening in him now.

Fourth. In your answer, it is sometimes helpful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feelings. For repetition, you can use other words, but with the same meaning.

Son: I will no longer hang out with Petya!

Father: You don't want to be friends with him anymore. (repetition of what was heard).

Son: Yes, I do not want ...

Father (after a pause): You were offended by him ... (designation of feelings).

Thus, Active Listening leads to very important results for mutual understanding: the negative experiences of the child are weakened; the child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk about himself more and more; besides, he himself is advancing in resolving his issue.

Examples:

Situation and words of the child	Feelings of a child	Your reply
“Today, when I was leaving school, a bully boy knocked my briefcase out of me and everything spilled out of it.”	Disappointment, resentment	You were very upset, and it was very insulting
(The child was given an injection, cries): “The doctor is bad!”	Pain, anger	You hurt, you got mad at the doctor
(The eldest son to his mother): “You always protect her, say “little, little”, but you never feel sorry for me.”	Injustice	You want me to protect you too

Formula "I-messages".

To express your feelings and wishes in a constructive way, it is best to use "I-messages". In such messages, we speak on our own behalf and about ourselves (about our feelings, thoughts, wishes). Such phrases help the child understand you.

For example, the phrase “I am very tired” (“I-message”) evokes sympathy and a desire to somehow support a person. While the phrase "You bore me" ("You-message") can cause resentment or guilt, which do not contribute to mutual understanding.

The "I-message" can be constructed as follows:

– event (when…, if…)

– your reaction (I feel…)

- your preferred outcome (I would like to ...; I preferred ...; I would be glad to ...)

Example:

I get so tired (feeling) of tying your shoelaces (event) all the time, how I wish you could learn to do it yourself (preferred outcome).

When I see dirty hands (event), I get goosebumps (feelings), I would be very happy if you washed your hands before eating (preferred outcome).

I am offended and angry (feelings) when I come tired and find a mess at home (event).

The primary purpose of the I-message is not to force someone to do something, but to communicate their opinion, their position, their feelings and needs. In this form, the child will hear and understand them much faster.

Thus, having understood the child and expressing our feelings and wishes, using the methods described, we get the opportunity to constructive solution issue and move towards mutual understanding and trust.

child, family psychologist

Based on the materials of the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child. How?

Lena Kuznetsova
Effective Communication Techniques: I - Message

AT recent decades increased interest in communication. Amazing Fact: In human interaction, more than half of all problems relate to a lack of mutual understanding.

A person wants to say one thing, says another, the interlocutor hears a third in this and interprets it as a fourth. Psychologists call this communication difficulty. To overcome these difficulties, specialists identified those forms of communication that maximize the development of mutual understanding and cooperation. They are called technicians. effective communication. You can apply these techniques in the family, and at work, and when clarifying various conflict situations. We'll talk about technology

i-messages

What are I-messages and why are they needed

I-message is a competent statement of one's dissatisfaction.

I-messages are not meant to change the behavior of another. And this must be remembered. I-messages are used to ensure that the interlocutor hears and understands you.

Why don't children hear us? Because we are used to you-messages. The accusatory tone of such sentences alienates us from each other, forces us to step back, and take a defensive position.

I-messages contain personal pronouns, as a rule, they begin with the words: I don’t like, it tires me, I don’t like it. P.

The most dangerous and conflict-producing you-messages begin with second-person pronouns: You, to you, because of you, etc. The interlocutor is offended by any such message, or reacts with a counter-accusation. For example: “Again you made a mess, I no longer have the strength to clean it all up!”

How to use the i-message technique

1. Description of the fact: When you arrive late…

2. Description of sensation, feelings: I am either a verb ... upset, worried, upset, etc.

3. Explanation why: because I don’t know where you are and what’s wrong with you…

4. Message about your desire or desire: I would like you to call me when you are late.

Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when interacting with a child. They break down and yell at their son or daughter, and then they are tormented by guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid it? The technique of "I-messages" will help you.

How to communicate with children using "I-messages"?

1. Use "I-messages" more often to express your positive emotions

The child needs to feel the love of his parents. Tell him more often: “I am glad (a) to see you”, “I love you”, “I like to play with you”.

2. Listen to the child without interrupting.

The child does not yet know how to express their feelings in the way that adults can. And don't expect it from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.

3. Teach your child to talk about their emotions in the form of "I-messages"

Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction with the help of "I-messages". Let him talk about how he feels.

For example, a son says to you: “Mom, I don’t want to Kindergarten". You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?”. Or the daughter came from the street and declares: “I will no longer play with Masha, she is greedy!”. Can be reformulated to: "Are you mad that she didn't give you her doll?". Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help solve them.

4. Express dissatisfaction with the actions of the child, but not with him

It is possible and necessary to express dissatisfaction, but not by the child himself, but by his actions. “I-messages” allow you to express your own feelings instead of blaming the child: “I get upset when you say bad words”, not “You say bad words”, and in no case “You are a bad boy if you say bad words” .

The main message that the child receives from you in this case is: “You are dear to me (ah, I love you very much, but your act upsets me.”

5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction

After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to the child using "I-messages", talk about the reasons for it. For example, a growing daughter returned late from a walk, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and that tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using "I-messages".

If the child still does not understand you, go back to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”

6. Describe what kind of behavior you expect from the child

At the end of the conversation with the child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communicating with a teenage daughter, then the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home from a walk earlier.”

If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 "Listen to the child without interrupting."

Well, now a little practice.

Exercise 1. Please replace typical demand and accusation phrases with interesting “I-messages”

(see presentation)

Exercise 2. Choose "I-statement"

Situation 1. Children are talking loudly during lunch.

Your words:

1. "When I eat, I am deaf and dumb."

2. “What are you so angry about, choke. Then you will learn how to talk while eating.

3. "I don't like it when people talk loudly at the table during dinner."

Situation 2. You came home from work late, and the child did not complete part of the homework.

Your words:

1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”

2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will it end? I am tired of this. You will do your homework until the morning.”

3. “It worries me that the lessons have not yet been done. I'm starting to get nervous. I want the lessons to be done until 8 pm.”

Situation 3. You need to do certain work at home, and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks to read, shows his drawings.

Your words:

1. “Stop pulling me. Get busy and don't pester me while I'm at work."

2. “Sorry, I can’t play with you right now. I am very busy. When I finish my work, I will definitely read it to you.

3. “I get irritated when distracted. I lose my mind and get angry, it prevents me from doing the work quickly.

Learning to speak in the format of "I - messages" is not easy. To do this, it is desirable to train. It is enough to apply this technique for at least one day, and subsequently this new form communication will become a habit.

Certainly in everyday speech you won’t be able to immediately come up with a beautiful proposal, but it’s not necessary to do this, the main thing is to stick to a simple I-message scheme.

It must be remembered that the use of the I-message technique in itself does not necessarily mean that the partner will accept our position, agree with our point of view. However, our point of view will be available and open to him, which means that we the right way to mutual understanding.

Error Parsing

1. Fake you messages. One must beware of "centaurs", that is, sentences that begin with a first person pronoun and end with a reproach or accusation. It's still You-messages. For example: I don't like it when you behave so badly!

2. Hidden reproach. If the text of the I-message contains a hidden reproach, you will not be heard or understood. For example, “I do everything alone, I fall off my feet, but at least you have something!”

3. Insincere I-messages. “I’ll be upset if you don’t go to bed now” - there is manipulation, instead of

positive self-message. It is necessary not only to express your feelings and set conditions, you need to sincerely inform the interlocutor about your true experiences.

4. Complete rejection of you-messages. This is not true, because it is necessary to use positive you-messages: “You helped me a lot”, “You yourself went to bed on time, you are so good!” etc.

If you do not let them know how you feel, then the person may simply not think of it!