How to get rid of the "extra person" in your life - a list. How to know that a person is poisoning your life

Throughout life we intersect with huge amount of people. But we can constantly maintain fairly close relations only with a very narrow circle.

What to do if the quality of the environment is not satisfactory? As a minimalist, I can give a simple answer: remove unnecessary people from your communication and give yourself to those who are important.

Approximate number of permanent social connections each of us lies in the range from one hundred to two hundred people. The average is one hundred and fifty. This is the so-called Dunbar Number. It is with so many people that we can interact qualitatively in any length of time. This number includes relatives, colleagues, clients, friends, acquaintances. And places - only for one hundred and fifty people!

As you can see, our resources for communication are limited. The time we can devote to other people is limited. Mental resources are also limited. That is why it is so important to get rid of unnecessary people. To free up time and space for those who matter.

I prefer to invest my time, emotions and feelings in pleasant, interesting and suitable people for me. There is no objective reason to continue communicating with a person with whom you feel uncomfortable.

There are seven billion people on earth. All people are as different as you can imagine. And they don't all fit. This is fine. But why waste energy on a person who is not suitable for you, if there are many of your people? Why put up with a relationship you don't like?

Communication is the interaction of two people. You can also communicate in large groups, but at every moment - it's always two. Normal, adequate communication - when both participants win as a result. This is mutual exchange resulting in mutual enrichment. Otherwise, this is not a relationship, but sadomasochism. However, this is also enough, but I will not talk about it now.

If I feel that I have been used and I have received nothing in return, I feel bad. There can be any benefit - here everyone is looking for himself what he needs or wants to receive. But "in the black" should remain both participants.

I shared ice cream with you. You are refreshed on a hot day. You are pleased and I am pleased that I made you pleased. We both win!

Interesting thoughts, a boost of energy and motivation, good mood These are also the results of communication. When I talk about benefits, I mean both material benefits that you can touch and carry in your pocket, and moral - energetic, emotional and sensual.

Our environment affects us whether we like it or not. Somewhere we pick up someone else's thought, somewhere - an attitude towards something or someone, an emotion or a mood. All this together affects our life as a whole. At first glance it is imperceptible.

A lot of people say that our earnings are roughly equal to the average of the earnings of the five people with whom we interact the most. I think this is very close to the truth.

Relationships, communication - this is our free choice. Only we decide whether to continue them or not. It is in our power and opportunity to select such people for ourselves, to build such a circle of contacts that will be a joy, that will lift up, promote development and happy life. Attract people with whom we will communicate with joy and pleasure.

We are no longer in kindergarten where we were taken against our will. And not at school, where the team was also not chosen by us. We are adults. If you don't like the environment, change it!

Choice is denial. When we choose one, we give up everything else. When we communicate with a "not our" person, we refuse to communicate with a like-minded person. For me, the choice is obvious - there is no point in wasting time on someone who is not close to you.

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If the relationship doesn't suit you, end it. If communication does not give pleasure - stop it. If a person pulls you back - forget about him. If after talking with someone you feel devastated and squeezed out, stop talking and seeing such a person.

There are those who intentionally or accidentally shake emotions and bring to the negative. There are those who notice all the worst, all the dirt and shortcomings. There are those who rise and assert themselves at your expense, lowering you lower. There are those who whine and use you as a drain pipe for their problems and accumulated negativity. There are those who constantly talk about their plans, oh revolutionary ideas but did not take a single step towards them. There are those who either do not accept your successes or try to downplay them. Get rid of such people in your environment!

When I talk about the need to get rid of, I do not at all urge you to go and tell the person everything that you think about him. Sometimes this is the only option. But, as a rule, softer ones are also enough.

First of all - to reduce contacts with unnecessary people. Keep them to a minimum. Reduce even the likelihood of meeting: do not go to those places where there is a chance of crossing. Don't accept offers to meet. And, of course, do not initiate contacts.

This is especially true of the past. Let it remain where it is supposed to be - among all the departed. Oh, those people from the past! Even if you used to communicate with a person, and you felt good with him, over time the paths diverge. The more time passes, the more differences accumulate in you. Especially when there is no common ground in the present: no deeds, no interests.

Communication based only on the past is flawed, meaningless, dead end. And in such cases, you communicate not with a person, and he does not speak with you - you interact with each other's mental models from the past. Each of you has changed, but your interlocutor does not see this and continues to communicate with you-the past.

In addition to such strange communication, there is another problem here - expectations. From you, in accordance with the mental model of you-past, something is expected. You expect something from the interlocutor, more precisely - from his model in your head. As a result, it often turns out that long-forgotten behavioral patterns are turned on in you. You start behaving the way you are expected to. Feeling discomfort, but not always understanding what caused it.

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There is one more interesting point associated with communication: acceptance of you. Some people around us may not accept us for who we are. They may judge and criticize our habits, our way of life or thinking, our behavior or hobbies. Why communicate with those who do not accept you for who you are?

Unfortunately, especially many of these people who do not accept us may be among relatives. Here we get a very strange situation: they have some expectations about us. And the interaction is based on the principles: we love and accept you if you meet our expectations and ideas. Really, it's weird? Such people may even resent you when you are yourself. Madness!

Relatives, especially the closest ones, are not so easy to delete from communication. If contacts with them do not give pleasure, you should at least reduce their regularity and depth. When communicating, you should not touch on controversial topics, but it is better to limit yourself to everyday conversations - about food, nature and weather. Relatives cannot be changed. But it's worth it just to accept them. But this does not mean that you need to agree with them and meet their expectations.

Communicating with “my” people, at first I was surprised: no matter what crazy idea I spoke, no matter what desires and dreams I said out loud, they accepted me! Without evaluation, criticism, condemnation. I could say that today I would go everywhere without shoes, and this was perceived as normal. As if I just said that I would drink tea now.

With the importance of a conscious approach to your communication, I hope you figured it out. Where to start?

First of all, assess your social circle. You can even take a few sheets of paper and write down everyone with whom you interact in one way or another with varying regularity - from daily meetings to congratulations once a year. After that, slowly go through this list. Remember your feelings from communicating with each person. You feel good? We put a plus. Discomfort is a minus. Then we divide this list into two: “people-pluses” and “people-minuses”. We continue to communicate with the first and strengthen relations. We say goodbye to the second in all possible ways.

It happens that after completing this exercise, you suddenly realize that the list of people with a plus sign is almost empty. It's sad, but it's common. Realizing this, too many people are hesitant to end unhappy relationships and stop uncomfortable communication. This is motivated by the fact that they cannot be left completely alone?! It's weird and scary to be alone.

You can really be alone for a while. But then your people will be attracted to the formed space, like-minded people - those with whom along the way. It may not happen soon, but it certainly happens.

In general, I recommend regularly, at least once every two or three years, to review your environment. If someone in it pulls you down or prevents you from not only taking off, but even just going forward, you should take action. Otherwise, this social swamp will drag on even deeper.

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If you don't remove the trash, you won't free up space. Like it or not. As in that parable about a mug of tea - without emptying it, you can’t pour anything new.

When you begin to understand yourself, to be more sensitive to yourself, to hear and feel yourself better, when you realize your hidden dreams and desires, then you begin to interact with a person at the “resonates / does not resonate” level. If there is something close, if something resonates, then perhaps this is your person. Especially if something positive and creative resonates.

If it does not resonate, the person is most likely simply not yours. He is not close to you. He's not even annoying. He's just a different person. He is not for you, you are not for him. different worlds.

Not everyone can immediately understand - yours or not yours. Sometimes this takes time. For me, the indicator is my feelings in the process of communication, the inner fullness of a person, my desire or unwillingness to open up and be interested in a person. The first impression, by the way, is often wrong.

The more you push away the wrong people, not yours, not the right ones for you, the more likely you are to attract those who are needed. However, there is one thing to consider here. What are the parameters to weed out the people you are going to push out of space own life? You should not try to evaluate another person from some average social point of view: you can make a mistake. You have to listen and feel!

There is one more effective way get rid of unnecessary communication and unnecessary people. Just push them out. When you focus on a person that is important to you, there is simply no room for others, and especially unimportant ones. Look at the guy and the girl at the beginning romantic relationship. They are for each other - the most important people at this time. There is neither time nor desire to communicate with others.

Many do not like and do not know how to refuse requests and offers. Even from burdensome and uninteresting, or from those that come from people they don't like. However, when you are engaged in something from which you are overwhelmed with emotions and energy, it is not difficult to refuse any offer. After all, to agree means to give up something mega-important for the sake of something insignificant. Nonsense. You can do the same with people.

I want to recommend that you be yourself, no matter what happens. Live according to your own values and principles. Who wouldn't expect anything from you. Having changed yourself for the sake of someone else's expectations, you are unlikely to be able to build high-quality, adequate, close relationships with a person for whom you had to spit in your soul. Will you forgive him? Will you forgive yourself? So why change yourself for the sake of someone in the first place?

There is only one life for you.

Limited time.

You decide who has a place in your life and who does not.

Relationships are one of the most important components of our life, they should be given conscious attention. Being a minimalist, I approach communication with basic principle minimalism - get rid of the superfluous, focus on the important.

Get rid of unnecessary people in your environment for the sake of those who really matter.

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No, it's not that simple. I used to have friends like that .. and I reviewed all the moments - it turned out that they were not my friends at all. And important people, as you wrote, I don’t have .. And I feel terrible and lonely ..

Rethink your lifestyle important people appear when you go to meet them, or maybe you have already been sucked into the swamp of inaction?

Great article, I think so too. Because in my life there were such situations. When your relatives completely betrayed you and did not support you, when your own sister gave day labor to your son without understanding the situation, and your own aunt told me anyway, because her own son once died. Now they always put the places of my childhood together, and I am an outcast because I protected my son (he was not to blame for anything). A lot of betrayal from girlfriends who appeared not long ago, only proven over the years are always there.

Alexander, hello! Help correct solution to accept. How to get out of an apartment in which you can be said to be forcibly kept, specially provoked, aggressive, resort to various methods in order to prevent you from making money and moving out of here. I even took out a loan to leave here, but then my mother got very sick. I live in a three-ruble note, I know that mother's illness is their work. Now it's completely mired, and they continue to do it. I am 27 years old, and for this reason, not only can I not have children, but at least an acceptable job, that is, the ability to sleep without worries and worries.

I can help you. Write to me. I have contacts on my website http://nekrasov.me/psy/

Alexandra: I can help you. Write to me. I have contacts on my website http://nekrasov.me/psy/

Hello! Decent material. I don't know what to do with my friends. We have been friends with the company for about 3 years. I am often not satisfied with the views on life of most of them, but some people are close to me. Sometimes I still feel comfortable in their environment. I always invite them to visit our apartment, which we rent with a guy. You can hardly expect any initiative from them ... We can also talk enough on general topics, since they do not know much and do not know how to do what I do. But! For example, I am very pleased to communicate with one of my friends, but I can not stand her arrogant boring husband. Do you think I should cut contact with the two of them? Thanks for the tips in advance :)

Hello Anastasia! I apologize for the long time without a response - I did not track the appearance of your comment.

The fact that your views on life do not coincide with your friends is normal. The question is - do they, your friends, make you better? Does this communication give value to you and your life? Can you grow, develop, be yourself in these relationships?

If you like to communicate with a friend and do not like her husband, you can continue to communicate with a friend, minimizing communication with her husband. Or, for example, find something interesting in it. Your friend managed to find it.

Alexander, at the age of 21, faced the problem that, apart from her young man, there is not a single person from friends .. there is no one whom I could rely on in a difficult period of life and in a joyful one ... all school friends constantly "throw" and "throw" when you offer them to go somewhere, organize something, negotiate with them, they agree, and at the last moment they cancel everything .. what do they do it in such a way that I remain guilty ... I am such a person if you are friends, then I give my all, I always agree and fulfill what was planned ... What is my problem? How should I behave with such people? Thank you ...

Maria, think about it, maybe it's time for you and your old school friends to go on your own - different ways? When some leave, while others have not yet arrived, there may well be a period when there is not enough quality communication. But if you do not let go of the past, it is difficult to open up to the future.

Do you value this relationship right now? Do you see a future for these relationships? Sometimes it is possible and worth fixing what is not working well. Sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past.

As for why you have such a relationship now, it’s impossible to say for sure, based on so little information about you. There can be many reasons, for example, in your behavior, in beliefs, and in a simple divergence of paths with the current environment too.

I really liked your article! I am an energetic, emotional person, people reach out, want to communicate.. in the cycle there is not enough time for those who are really important. It was difficult to refuse someone, but "unnecessary" people faded into the background, freeing up time. everything is correct, no need to waste time on trifles - the essence is in the main thing and in "your" people!

A good article reveals the essence of everyday and friendly relations. There are always difficulties with relatives, especially from the husband’s side, with your own, something else can be explained somehow. It is inconvenient to send them, and there is no strength to endure their presence.

One of the best (and few) articles on the subject on the internet.

but now faced with such a situation. We have been friends for over 20 years .. we are under 50 .. we became friends when both were married and had a child ...

children have grown up. the eldest daughter of a friend got in touch with drug addicts and stole money from home. She gave birth to a child from an unemployed drug addict. My child successfully graduated from school, entered the university, master of sports ..

and that it’s not a conversation for children, everything is some kind of negativity in relation to my child. Then to my husband. And then to my family at all .... I went to work abroad, active life, full of plans, and all this was somehow perceived by her with sarcasm .. she decided to just stop communicating ...

By the way, in material terms, she lives better ...

Now she writes to me, I do not answer. There is no desire .. and the hand does not rise from the list of friends without explanation. On the other hand, I don’t owe her anything, and I don’t want to explain if the person himself does not understand that he adequately evaluates friendships ... her last statement was that she would also run away abroad from such a husband as mine .....

although I never voiced the reasons, and even more so did not denigrate my own husband. With age, it is more difficult to be disappointed in people ... and I understand that such frank envy cannot be the basis of friendships, and at the same time it allowed a person to behave like this .....

Thanks Alexander for the article! I accidentally started reading and couldn't stop until I had read all the comments to the end. My words of gratitude as a colleague - I am a psychologist - for the simplicity of presenting such a complex and generally closed topic from the circle of people's problems. You just inspired me to study this topic. Double thanks: both for the article and for the idea!

Good afternoon Alexander! Your article is very helpful, thanks! But I would like to ask you for advice. The fact is that none of my friends close to me gives such attention as I would like. It feels like no one needs me. That is, it manifests itself directly in communication. My ideas about friends have changed a bit, but friends have remained the same. I can safely not get a response to any message that is important to me. Which I was really looking forward to. I suffer from this. Should I still give them up for the sake of new people? I feel like I can't be alone. And I don’t even know how to make new friends. The kind of friends I want to be.

Thank you for the article. Just by the way. Everywhere I see that it is harmful not to communicate, blah blah blah. But what about destructive relationships? All of them are negative for me. Thank you so much for writing this article, I finally saw that there are people with a similar opinion.

you help people, thank you very much!!! this is the best article on this topic! I wish you success in life and work!

I read it. I disagree fundamentally. There are no extra people in our life! I'm surprised that there are people who consider it possible to define an algorithm for calculating "extra people" !!! Disappointed that a person with such a profession promotes interpersonal digging ((((

Two, you, dear!

I disagree with Anna's comment. Perhaps a three can be put ... Thoughts are quite clear and conscious. But... Sorry! These are your thoughts, mister psychotherapist-wanderer, these are your personal feelings. And you are sophisticated and ornate, very often, speaking about yourself, you try to put them into the heads and souls of your readers. Not professional! Don't bring your daughters to this. They won't say thank you.

By the way, communication is a complex multifaceted process of establishing and developing contacts between people...

So, maybe better as a wanderer...?)

We've met in everyone's life different types people in behavior, communication and worldview. As they say, people are all different. There are funny, "easy" in communication, and there are obsessive people. This is a category, from communication and the presence of which is extremely difficult to get rid of, but possible. So, consider the options for how to get rid of an obsessive person. How do such people behave?

How do obsessive people behave?

These "stuck" are really very easy to identify. Obsessive people are extremely fond of attracting all the attention of the audience, society to themselves. And most often they do this by intervening in a conversation, raising intonation during a conversation, transferring the topic of conversation to their person. If we are not talking about a conversation with obsessive person, but about his presence in your life, then everything is generally running! Obsessive people like to come when they were not invited, and the most interesting thing is that it is very difficult to escort them out the door, as they absolutely do not understand hints, and even if you tell them directly that you are tired of their company, they can easily stay further away .

As for the obsession of a young man or girlfriend, their behavior includes excessively frequent calls, long meaningless conversations, unexpected visits that drag on until late, obsession with advice and tastes, excessive presence in personal space.

To this type of man to be found special approach to convey to him intelligibly about his excessive presence and obsessive behavior, since obsessive people are very bad at understanding hints.

How to tactfully hint to a person about his obsession?

To begin with, you need to subtly hint in a conversation that the interlocutor crosses certain boundaries and becomes obsessive in his interests and views of the world. This can be done in this way:

You can smoothly change the topic of conversation and do this every time as soon as the obsessive interlocutor begins to manifest himself.
Move your attention to something interesting that is in sight, and try to have a conversation about it or switch the conversation to some general theme where there is no opportunity to express personal opinion or advice.

If during a conversation it is not possible to verbally hint at the obsession of the interlocutor, then measures can be taken to tactfully make it clear that the person is annoying.

You should not immediately behave like a boor and say that the person is tired or tired of his long presence.

You can iterate over the following methods first:

Immediately indicate the time of your or his departure (for example, “I have a sleep schedule at 9, since I get up very early,” or “I have a meeting scheduled for 9, so we will part an hour before it so that I can get ready” ). Some time before leaving, you need to be reminded that you will soon have to leave. You can resort to tricks with a call mobile phone and say that you need to leave immediately.
There should always be a supply of polite excuses in place in case you need to “supposedly” suddenly leave on business.
You can resort to tricks when another person approaches and with a little fun, under the pretext that help is urgently needed or a meeting is scheduled, takes the obsessive person out of the company. True, this does not always work.
If a hint about his obsession does not reach the person, tell him politely and with an apology ("I'm sorry, but I need to leave, we've been talking, but it's time to...").

How to tactfully hint he is obsessive?

Some young people in a relationship go too far with their frequent presence in a partner's personal space. And such a moment should not be missed or tolerated either, because it can then affect relationships and lead to their destruction.

The side that is hindered by the obsession of the second half at some points (violation of personal space, frequent calls, SMS and control, the imposition of their tastes and behavior) needs to calm environment and in a calm tone to start a conversation from afar about tastes and desires and reduce it to the fact that everyone should have their own personal space, trust and some free time, that excessive presence and control interfere and alarm.

If the other half did not draw the necessary conclusions from this conversation, then you can start a similar repeated conversation and beat everything so that the obsessive young man or girl takes the place of the one who is hindered by this obsession (swap roles). In any case, calm conversations indicating that the obsession interferes with showing exactly how to correct something in the behavior of the annoying person.

How to tactfully get rid of an obsessive girlfriend?

If you have an obsessive girlfriend, then the situation is not easy. Usually such girls hardly understand the hints of their obsession and it is difficult to convey this to them. But effective methods everything is just like that!

Switch attention to another person who may be interested in an obsessive girlfriend.
Start introducing yourself as intrusively as she did, while choosing precisely such moments when she is absolutely uncomfortable and there is no time to receive you or stand and chat. After several times of such behavior, she will avoid your company, thereby getting rid of her obsession, without even suspecting it.
In conversations where the obsessive girlfriend is overly actively trying to get into personal life with your questions and advice, you need to ignore or evade an answer or a question a couple of times. By pretending to be a “deaf fool”, you can make it clear that you do not want to answer questions or tell such personal things.
If the hints are not understood, start asking and advising as actively as she did. Call and write and ask all the time about such moments that she would not want to talk about (but for this you need to observe and study her a little to identify topics that are not very pleasant for her).
Calmly and bluntly say that a friend is getting too into her personal life (but this is an extreme case when a person’s obsessive behavior goes beyond all limits of patience, as it can lead to resentment and a quarrel).

How to get rid of very obsessive people

There are also such "examples". In the case when there are very obsessive people in society and their behavior affects health and nervous system, you need to get rid of them sharply and completely. Just stop all communication with them, avoid their company. After all, too obsessive people do not understand either hints or direct words, only a sharp action will reach them, namely the termination of relations.

How to more gently break off a relationship with an obsessive person?

Before you stop communicating with an obsessive friend, of course, you can try to convey to him why, what exactly and how influenced the break in communication. Let the obsessive friend feel a little bit like you. But most likely it will be a waste of time.

Be sure to advise him a new friend who is at least a little suitable in patience for communicating with an obsessive person.

What to do if you can’t gently break off relations with a very obsessive person?

If the above methods were not understood by a person, then you need to start ignoring him without responding to phone calls and SMS, do not open the door to the house or directly say that you are tired, you are tired or you are in a hurry.

You can get rid of a person who is too intrusive more quickly, only by saying sharply and directly that his communication is tiring and he is being imposed. They cannot understand another approach, because they are too intrusive, so they need to be removed from their society.

Outcome

How to get rid of obsessive people?

If a person is not very intrusive, this can be done by hinting at a conversation about his behavior.
If the person does not understand the hint, start behaving like him (calling and coming without an invitation and being away for a long time, tiring with your conversation, even if the interlocutor cannot and does not want to start a conversation). As they say, wedge wedge!
With a very obsessive person, all of the above methods are powerless, so you need to get rid of such people sharply and completely (do not pick up the phone, do not open doors, or directly say that his society is tiring).

More effective options will be where you change places with an annoying obsessive friend and pester him just like he did you. Then the obsessive person takes the place of the one he gets, and gradually begins to understand that his behavior is obsessive.

Before you start abruptly getting rid of the company of such a person, you first need to study him a little so as not to offend him very much, but at the same time make it clear that he is tired and has already brought you to extreme measures!

But, unfortunately, there are obsessive people who do not understand this either. Such people need to be told the “truth-womb” directly in the face. But first make sure it doesn't harm your or his health! After all, it may be that an obsessive person who was told directly about his excessive importunity becomes offended, and since he is morally weak, he begins to harm himself or, conversely, get angry and pester the offender even more!

Well, even better, as soon as it becomes clear that a person is annoying, immediately move him away from his person, for another early stages communication!

Now that you have found your Prince and decided that he is the very One, try to work on yourself so as not to allow the jealous side of your being to peek into the light and destroy everything that you have already managed to build. We will tell you how to get rid of jealousy and give you tips for establishing harmony in your couple.

Jealousy is a feeling of fear and anxiety that arises when the person you love and with whom you have an emotional connection begins to pay attention and show interest in someone else. Along with jealousy, as a rule, there is sadness and rage.

Every person has fallen in love at least once. For some, this is for a short time, and for some, it is for life. However, it also happens unrequited love. In this case, the one who is loved simply uses the person in love with him. Misunderstandings appear.

As a result, you begin to suspect your other half of treason. In this regard, outbursts of anger arise, which are explained by the fear of losing a loved one or the desire to capture his attention again.

The feeling of jealousy is quite natural phenomenon, and sometimes it's even good for relationships. When it is completely absent, then there is a feeling that something seems to be missing. The question arises - what to do, how to get rid of jealousy, so as not to become a prisoner of this feeling.

The first step to getting rid of jealousy is to admit that you are experiencing it, and also to understand what causes jealousy. It is best to admit to yourself that you are jealous, rather than accumulate emotions that will spill out in a day, week or month. Only by carefully understanding your feelings, you can control them.

If you find yourself feeling jealous, be sure to tell your loved one about it. This should be done very carefully. Keep in mind that when you express this feeling, you seem to be saying two things: the first is that you are not indifferent to your loved one and the second is that you care about how he treats you, but you also make it clear that you don't trust him.

It is quite difficult to show jealousy in a calm manner, however, it is worth making every effort to maintain harmony and calmness, because this is much better than raging and angry.

It also happens that some people even like it when their loved one shows jealousy. Some even find it flattering. For such people, this becomes proof of your attention and care for them.

Some women are seriously worried if their partner does not show signs of jealousy. They think that he does not show due attention to them, and that their relationship has ceased to be valuable to a man.

The result of this is that the woman begins to deliberately do things to arouse feelings of jealousy in her partner, and this, in the end, does not benefit anyone. If you ever want a jealous partner, then keep in mind - you should not wish for this. It is better to live peacefully, in peace and quiet, trusting each other.

Therefore, the main means to get rid of jealousy should be: acknowledging that you are experiencing this feeling, expressing jealousy, but without anger and loss of self-control, and your partner's awareness of your feelings. If you manage to control your feelings of jealousy, then your relationship will become stronger and more reliable and the question of what to do with jealousy will never arise again.

Jealousy in the universe of relationships between a man and a woman is perhaps the most explosive element. All this yellow-eyed monster has to get out on White light, you can’t drive him back into the hole with either persuasion or threats. Jealousy, whatever it may be, inflicts wounds on our relationships that guarantee death.

I hate destructiveness in jealousy. I saw several quite successful marriages of my friends shattered against her like stones. Marriages either fell prey to the jealousy of their partner or were jealous themselves.

Although jealousy has the right to exist, as a rule, there is no real reason for it. This is the most unpleasant feature of jealousy ... it is based on vague sensations. You feel like something is wrong. “He began to spend too much time with friends, which means that he is better off without me than with me, and therefore he is cheating on me.”

The last conclusion is the biggest relationship killer. Listen to me: all these vague sensations have nothing to do with reality. And don't confuse them with facts. Such feelings are best case, uncontrollable outbursts of feelings or, at worst, baseless suspicions.

As a woman, you pride yourself on your communication skills: being able to speak, being able to listen. But as soon as you get captured by feelings of jealousy, everything best qualities going on an extended vacation. You stop talking and start exaggerating your feelings.

Your imagination is inflamed, you begin to invent criminal conspiracies against yourself and develop scenarios for the likely development of events. The people around you turn into chess pieces that you move around an imaginary board, trying to win the game, only to prove you are right. Basically, you are turning yourself into a man, locking all your fears inside you, cutting off contact with your boyfriend, and letting the situation poison you with its poison.

Here I can only give you one piece of advice on how to get rid of your jealousy: just stop screwing yourself over. Nothing good will come of it. And if your man really found a replacement for you, your jealousy will not save you from parting. Unless it makes it even more painful, noisy and scandalous.

My mother told me: "Remove unnecessary people from your life, they suck your energy ...". From her point of view, these were completely useless people for me, but I had an incredible “usefulness” for them, like a Duracell battery, charging them flaccid bodies and souls with their indestructible energy ... Then about energy vampires they didn’t speak or write yet, the Internet didn’t exist yet, and my mom intuitively pronounces everything that can be read today by typing “energy vampires are” in the search bar ...

As I already said, today a lot of interesting things have been written about these "energy-sucking" ones, but including frankly stupid ones. Silly texts about energy vampires talk about evil intent. He is not. Also, there is nothing mystical here. And we can be both a donor, in relation to someone and - the same vampire. It's good only when there is an equal exchange, reports Day.Az with reference to Kluber. This is harmony. It's bad when you frankly suck. Sometimes for years. Why bad? Let's not talk about the loss of energy and other dregs. We're wasting time, and that's the main thing.

So, the signs that distinguish the Superfluous Man:

1. He always calls you himself

You have a friend (girlfriend), with whom (whom) the conversation begins with the phrase: "I just wanted (wanted) to call you, and you call!" There is? Be sure that you have an equal exchange with this person, this is your full life partner. This is not an extra person. The Excess Person calls himself and you almost never call him. It is surprising that, as a rule, the person "sucking" you always calls at the wrong time. You either have your hands in soap, or you are watching a movie or parking ... In a word, you are doing some kind of business, and then - a call. As a result, you have a waste of time.

2. He always keeps himself waiting

Or almost always. Often he makes himself wait even in a telephone conversation. "Oh, now wait, I have a second line here .. I'll call you back ..." And you look longingly at the phone and understand that they will call you back, but you don't feel like it at all ...

He makes himself wait when he comes to you. He is amazingly unpunctual towards you. Even upon arrival, the Extra Man finds some business, if he is at your place, it can be an urgent and for some reason obligatory trip to the shower ... Or a long telephone conversation with someone at work or for some other reason. .. And you longingly look at the clock and with your whole being you begin to feel the loss of time. Yes! As a result, you have a waste of time.

3. He's always in trouble

The most frequent problems of the Extra Man, if it is a woman, are health problems. And it doesn't matter what gender you are. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are a psychological donor, you will be aware of the health problems of the Extra Person. And they are monstrous, almost fatal... (according to him). All your attempts to advise just solve the problem - go to good doctor, will be nipped in the bud. No, they will listen to you, and you even, God forbid, organize a consultation with a good and very cool specialist, but this will not end with anything. As a result - loss of time of yours and - the class expert.

The Extra Man, of course, has problems at work. All this is retold to you for months and years. And everyone is to blame - from a stupid boss to forwarders. All your attempts to console the unfortunate (unfortunate) and encourage him (her) to enjoy a good salary and other excellent conditions are also nipped in the bud. The Extra Man must suffer before your very eyes. He (she) does it wonderfully. And you end up wasting time.

4. He is very difficult to ask for something.

Sometimes it happens that the Superfluous Person needs to be asked for something. On the face of it, the request looks trifling. And you are surprised to understand that it is extremely difficult for you to do this. For some reason. Later, when a request or requests are voiced, you feel some kind of stupor that occurs in your counterpart, and you immediately understand your unwillingness to ask. He, the Superfluous Man, does not seem to want to help. He's going for it, he'll do it for you, but he's so busy. He has such problems ... And you lose the desire to ask him for something ... You do it yourself, and as a result - a waste of time.

5. He always needs you

An extra person entangles you with his "love". He constantly lets you know how much he needs you. He lives under your care and sometimes cannot do even the most seemingly simple actions without you. Sometimes it makes you surprised, sometimes angry. The Extra Man makes the face of the Cat from Shrek and says: "Well, please ...". He is always asking for something. And you gradually get used to the idea that he can’t do anything without you. But when he, in the event of a serious problem, instantly mobilizes and does everything efficiently and as quickly as possible, you are amazed at such agility and again understand that you are wasting time ...

6. He is a stunningly uninteresting person

And finally, the most main feature Extra person in your life. He's amazingly uninteresting. In any case, you. He is a bad storyteller, he is not enchanting, he is not connected with you by any hobbies, in fact, he has no hobbies. This is an incredibly boring creature, really sluggish and tedious. In other words, you are not interested in him at all.

As a rule, the presence of an Extra Person in your everyday life is explained by connections that are little dependent on you today. This is either a neighbor who is difficult to get rid of, or a relative, or a so-called childhood friend with whom for some reason you are forced to contact. Sometimes these are employees at work and even husbands and wives. Yes! They, too, can be their partners' vampires, and they take time too.

Summary

If you find that an Extra Person is constantly spinning next to you and this is not an annoying girlfriend, "brought" from a Turkish voyage, with whom you can just gradually stop communicating, but a more serious connection; try applying the following.

Start appreciating and valuing your time spent with this person. This also applies telephone conversations, and personal communication, and even - correspondence. And finally, start telling the truth.

"Yes, dear (darling)! I remember that you wanted (wanted) to come, but I have such a difficult project now, I give it all my time." The response will most likely be - "Well, please, I'll just for a second ..". If you give up, then you will again sign the verdict of your time, which will again be devoured by this Longolier. A categorical "no" will save your imaginary project and real time. I don't think you're lying at this point. The people that the Extras cling to are, for the most part, always busy with something ... And projects too.

Phone call? "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't talk, come on later"... That would be a lie. And we agreed to tell the Extra Man the truth. And the truth will be that you ask: "Do you have something urgent? I don't have much time right now." It is unlikely that the Extra Man will inform you that he has just witnessed the landing of aliens ... He will have to accept that there is nothing urgent in his call.

Do not give offense to your time, this is the only thing that money cannot buy later. Good luck!

Negative thoughts can turn life into a hell created by one's own imagination. Learn to control your mind and don't let it produce black pictures of the present and the future. Some simple rules positive thinking.

We communicate every day with different people. Sometimes after seemingly insignificant meetings there is an unpleasant aftertaste, a feeling of fatigue, weakness. Usually such consequences come after contacts with negatively thinking individuals. Such an attitude poisons the life of the most “unfortunate”, causes illness and paints every day in gray tones.

It turns out that negativity is so contagious that it can shake even a balanced cheerleader. Since our life is what we think about it, let's learn to cleanse ourselves of gloomy thoughts and negative attitudes.

1. How negative thoughts are born

My former colleague quite unexpectedly received a decent inheritance. It would seem that the news is pleasant, if you do not take into account that the death of an unfamiliar and very distant relative led to it. Would you be upset if a bag of money fell on your leg? And the man did not find a place for himself. First, he suspected that former friends would not want to associate with him rich or would start asking for money in debt. Secondly, the young lady, with whom the relationship had lasted for several years, could require the registration of a relationship in order to grab money. Thirdly, everyone will now seek acquaintance with him for materialistic reasons.

Another story

The girl sobbed bitterly because her lover had asked her to marry. To the bewildered questions of the young man, she answered that there would be no wedding anyway: “You will postpone the wedding, and if I remind you of the proposal, you will say that I am imposing.” Even on the day of the wedding, this "optimist" said to her friend: "I am perfectly happy, but this will soon be over. He is smart and talented, there is a decent woman and will take him away. Or I will have to fight for him forever.

Do you think this is a story of miser and hysterics? No, it's quite nice people, educated and lovely. They are united by the ability to poison their lives with a premonition of troubles lurking around every corner. These characters prophesy suffering only to themselves - not worst case. You are also familiar with citizens who can spoil the mood not only for themselves? Share your plans with them, and they will surely give out forecasts of possible misfortunes. After such conversations, doubts creep in about one's own choice, negatively thinking people they destroy our plans not because they want to warn us against mistakes, they simply do not know how to build positive scenarios.

Alas, the reality is that anxiety and gloomy thoughts visit every thinking individual. The information field is overflowing with messages about a hostile world, an imminent apocalypse, daily tragedies and catastrophes. One gets the impression that the planet is drowning in tears with no hope of survival. We declare with confidence - this is not true! The world is not hopeless, there are joyful events in it, but this news sells worse.

Fortunately, all living beings strive for joy and avoid suffering. You can get rid of negativity with some effort.

2. Stop the flow of negative information

Protect yourself from the negativity that is poured on us in a continuous stream of funds mass media. Turn off the TV and do not watch scenes of violence, catastrophe forecasts and stories about a dying world. You do not eat everything in a row, so you will learn to treat information as selectively. Filter what is poured into our eyes and ears and do not let your mind be manipulated. Think about how much you need to know about the atrocities, the stories of the life of maniacs and the details of the existence of criminal gangs. Determine what information you really need for life and professional activity, and devote the free time to communicating with children and loved ones, watch films of your choice, go in for sports, listen to music. You can live with pleasure if you learn to limit the access of a completely unnecessary negative wave.

3. Don't think in contrasts

To start thinking positively, it is not enough just to make a decision. The events that happen every day will disturb you, but they are rarely catastrophic or overjoyed. AT everyday life what is happening falls into the middle range between grief and happiness, and only our perception gives the events bright colors. Learn not to use gloomy tones, follow the flow of your consciousness. And give up the logic of contrasts - the world consists not only of black and white. Replace the phrase “Everything is lost” with “Things may not go quite the way you would like,” and you will discover the opportunity to correct the situation, influence the course of events and build a strategy.

On the early stages“re-educating” yourself, write down the blackest thoughts that visited you during the day. In the evening, try to reformulate your phrases into neutral options. For example: “The boss yelled at me for 10 minutes, they will fire me” - “Today the boss was angry at the whole world, we need to correct the situation.” Or: “She will leave me if she finds out how little I earn” - “I hope money is not the most important thing for her, and she sees my positive traits". Soon you will learn to catch the emerging negativity on the fly and reshape it into productive ideas.

4. Pay attention to pleasant little things and do not exaggerate troubles

Negative-minded people consider all the good things that happen to them to be an accident, and troubles to be the rule. Such an underestimation of the positive is the main mistake.

Be objective and do not underestimate the importance of the positive, because the number of good and not so good events is about the same. Learn to celebrate all the good and fix your attention on it. Your inner skeptic will grumble gloatingly: "Well, of course, this is very nice, but actually ...". Do not let the cynic out, drive him out. Each evening, think of three experiences that made your day enjoyable. Let it be the ringing of a drop, the chirping of sparrows and a cup of delicious coffee, gradually you will learn not to miss a single warm moment of life.

Try not to inflate every trouble to a universal scale. You were not awarded a prize for the New Year? This is not the end of life. The girl didn't come on a date? This does not mean that you are disgusted by women. Burnt pie? This is not a sign that life has failed.

5. Do not try to read other people's thoughts and interpret questionable actions.

If your husband is going fishing with friends on Saturday, this does not mean at all that he has stopped loving you. He just wants to be alone, such a desire sometimes arises in every person. If the wife wants to go on vacation alone, this does not mean the end of your life. family life. Perhaps she wants to just lie on the beach for a week, and not go on hikes, where you will definitely drag her.

Do not look for tragedy where there is none. Often people, not knowing the motivations of their loved ones, assume the worst, especially in personal relationships. Considering themselves clairvoyant, they interpret everything said or done as a sign of trouble. Don't repeat these mistakes! If you do not understand something, admit it and put forward not only catastrophic, but also neutral hypotheses. Formulate your question and ask it - together you will understand the situation and dispel painful doubts.

6. Control your imagination

Some "optimists" have a strange habit - they amuse themselves by making apocalyptic plans for the future. It must be very exciting to imagine what misfortunes can happen. If you also have similar fantasies, immediately start working on yourself. Be realistic: in movies, disasters happen at every turn, but are there many of them in real life? Has anything similar happened to you? Maybe your friends have experienced a story from a thriller? It is possible that you had to experience troubles, but hopefully they do not happen every month?

Doesn't this logic seem comforting to you? We urge you to calm down your fantasy and come into balance: if life is really so cruel, paint pictures of harmony and prosperity in your imagination. Learn to write positive scripts, practice writing until you start enjoying fantasy positive. Someday your imagination, trained for virtual misfortunes, will give up and stop producing nightmares. If you continue to amuse yourself with the horrors of your own production, the clinic of neuroses awaits you. But first you will become a subject, communication with which is burdensome for others.

7. Do you want to be an optimist?

You have the right to choose the way you think. You can live in anticipation of pleasant events or in anticipation of numerous misfortunes. There is an opinion that pessimists are always ready for negative development events, therefore, when really unfavorable circumstances occur, they are not very upset. Perhaps such training makes sense, but living in constant fear not very nice.

Positive thinking cannot be unbridled either. It must be admitted that a person endowed with intellect cannot enjoy life continuously. Adequately thinking people are forced to be realistic. Of course, a realistic view of life is the most effective method adaptation. The world consists of a set of joys and troubles, and our task is to learn to separate the negative from the positive. Ideally, we should be able to capitalize on positive events and avoid negative scenarios.