How are relationships with men. Why beautiful women don't get along well with men

Relationships with a man do not add up - quite often you can hear from the lips of young and quite adult girls, however, unsure of themselves. Apparently they themselves cannot understand for themselves exactly what kind of men they need so that they are, to satisfy physiological needs to be like everyone else, like friends or to create a family. Who and what goals is up to everyone to decide.

Each person is attractive in their own way. And only a small part of the attractiveness is enough to attract attention, but not enough to deeply understand inner world personality. After all, the most valuable family relations is his character, his mind and his values. Recently, not so many people think about the moral side of relationships - as the basis for a strong and prosperous family. It remains only to search. And it is very important to remember that there is no pathological loneliness, you just need to listen to yourself and understand why relationships with men do not work out? We will look at some of them:

If the relationship does not add up, then you value your relationship with a man too much, idealize him. You dissolve in your companion, sacrifice yourself. As a result, the man quickly loses interest in you.
You initially draw the wrong relationship scenario with your thoughts and phrases: he is not for me, I am not good enough for him, my legs are too full, I am not stylish. With such harsh affirmations of negativity, you will always remain in the shadows.
Perhaps you are being too restrained, not allowing him to your inner world. He may think that you are indifferent to him. A stereotype of repulsive behavior is created.
Unconscious copying of their parents. Maybe without knowing it, they learned the principles of communication with a man, as your mother did and did, surrounded by close men or with her father.
You feel easy and safe with those men who do not show interest in you. Perhaps you are afraid that the relationship will not drag on for a long time or will break off quickly enough.
The woman hides her potential opportunities, virtues and talents. By hiding your talents from men, you end up hiding them from yourself and, as a result, you can lose them.
A woman must obey a man. It means settling for less love and attention than you deserve.
Sometimes men are afraid beautiful women- if a man is not internally confident in himself: such a pretty one is not for me. And you think you've been denied. And you were highly appreciated, and therefore simply scared.
The most big mistake women - when we respond with love and tenderness to an unjustifiably bad attitude towards them. We surround with warmth those men who offend our feelings to show them that women love them for who they really are, without a mask.
Every woman wants a man to fulfill all her desires, follow only her decisions - and take all the responsibility only on himself. As a result - remember the tale of "The Fisherman and the Fish" and the old woman who is still sitting with a broken trough ...
Remember, man is not born to be alone. Any relationship can and should be learned. Do not be afraid to show that many men like you, that you are loved and desired. Be a welcome prize for men. Wish and think that men want to please you and have an affair with you, friendship. And it doesn't matter if it's true or not. If you think that many men love you, then soon you will have a crowd of fans. And soon enough the phrase: “I don’t work out with men” will not be relevant for you.

After another disappointment and parting, you again think about why you meet the “wrong” men, and gradually stop believing in decency, kindness and loyalty. Or maybe you yourself make the same mistakes in relationships and simply do not allow yourself to be happy with your chosen one?

You initially idealize a partner

When you meet a young man, you find him interesting, and immediately think that this is “the one and only”. This thought becomes the main one - you attribute everything to your partner best qualities and build dreams of a serious relationship.

Most girls have long had a model of an ideal partner in their heads, and if your boyfriend fits this ideal, at least outwardly, the rest is completed by your imagination.

Give yourself time to get to know his character, hobbies, habits and behavior in certain situations better. It is equally important to make sure that he has the same feelings for you. Love at first sight is good only on the cinema screen, but in life you need to listen to the voice of reason. It will be much more pleasant to gradually discover new facets of relationships than to experience another disappointment.

Are you in a hurry to confess?

Sometimes men are not too keen on the outward manifestation of feelings and conversations on this topic. If you are in love, then you expect confessions, plans and promises for the future from your partner. Not getting what you want, you begin to hint, push, or even demand to say the right words. Such pressure on a man is a big mistake, and you risk simply frightening him away with excessive perseverance.

Interest in each other should be manifested gradually and delicately, so that both have the right to choose. Don't bombard him with your confessions about strong feelings, thereby forcing to say the same in response. Perhaps he does not experience this and may think that he does not meet your requirements.

Do not rush your chosen one. A man must decide for himself when he is ready for the next stage of the relationship. Often, men show their feelings by actions - care, attention, sincere interest in your affairs.

You don't know how to forgive

New relationships begin with the period " pink glasses"- romantic dates, feeling kindred spirits, mutual charm and euphoria. Then comes the next stage - intimacy and cohabitation. Then new sides of the partner appear, which you might not have suspected before, the first conflicts and misunderstanding. Then your view of your loved one changes dramatically, instead of finding a compromise, you consider yourself deceived.

It is important to understand that at the beginning of a relationship, everyone tries to show only their the best sides, and this is quite normal. But, we all remain people with our own life position and established habits. Simply removing someone from your life will not solve the problem. Your next relationship won't be perfect either, because ideal people does not exist. Only by learning to accept a person with all his shortcomings and forgive his weaknesses, you can develop your relationship further.

Are you afraid of loneliness and public opinion

A lot of time has passed since the last parting, and you are still alone. Subconsciously, you lower your requirements for a potential partner, moving closer to the one who drew attention to you. You give a chance to a new acquaintance and gradually get used to seeing this person nearby, despite the absence emotional outbursts. Sometimes you even like this “calmness” in feelings.

Later, you ask yourself why you are with this particular person, but you cannot break off the relationship for fear of new loneliness. Another reason to keep a not very successful union is the desire for a certain position in society. Despite gender equality, there is still a stereotype of thinking - a single woman after 30 is already an old maid.

Your friends and family sometimes notice more than you think. In addition, they know you well and may notice that your partner is not entirely sincere. Of course, you will be outraged if a close friend or parents begins to interfere in your relationship and criticize your chosen one. But sometimes it is worth listening to the words of people who are able to soberly assess the situation and see "from the outside."

After listening calmly to what your relatives want to convey to you, you can always draw your own conclusions and look at your life differently. If negative assumptions turn out to be false, you will further strengthen your attachment.

someone with young years girls do not give a pass, and someone can’t get to know each other even at 40 years old. It happens that a man is outwardly attractive, and educated, and well-mannered, but relations with women do not go beyond friendship. At the age of 18-20, a guy attributes failures to inexperience, an insufficiently confident position in life, and small earnings. But years pass, and with them dozens failed attempts meet, terrible dates, offensive rejections, painful disappointments.

In attempts to introspection, self-confidence, in one's actions, virtues, and capabilities are lost. Soon comes a feeling of anger, resentment against women, hatred, attempts to move away from communication with the opposite sex, and then with all people. In the fact that relations with women do not add up, a man begins to blame not himself, but the opposite sex. Thoughts that he is uninteresting, unattractive, ridiculous, awkward, lead to complete isolation, loss of self-esteem, real failures at work, severe depression.

So what is the reason for the bad luck?

Every man between the ages of 17 and 45 who has problems communicating with the female sex has at least once tried to figure out why it is not possible to establish relationships with women. Each of them replayed scenes from his life many times in his head, tried to find the moment where he was wrong, put it wrongly, said something wrong, behaved wrongly. But in almost all cases, the answer has not been found.

The first thing that comes to mind to any man is the reason for the external attractiveness and wealth. Attempts to change the style of clothing, conversation, to show great generosity in relation to the next chosen onestill not giving results. And when, it would seem, all the ways to get acquainted and advice to start a relationship have been tried, but nothing worked, negative psychological processes are triggered:

drop in self-esteem
the appearance of uncertainty, timidity, fear
development passive position in relation to life

Expecting failure in each new case of acquaintance, a man becomes aggressive in communication, defends himself where it is worth opening up. Against the background of such a complex of problems, it becomes impossible to build a career and take care of one's physical health. It's no secret that the source of many physical ailments are precisely experiences, psychological problems.

Low self-esteem - a cause or a consequence of unsuccessful relationships with women?

But not always low self-esteem is the result of unsuccessful attempts to build relationships with women. If a young man does not develop relationships with girls at a young age, he can transfer this experience to later life, deliberately setting the bar of self-esteem below the acceptable limit. Becoming an adult, a young man with such experience can specifically choose girls in his opinion "worse". In the mind of such a man, the idea is firmly formed that nothing will work out with the best anyway. This assessment is purely subjective, because he divides girls into “worthy” and “unworthy” according to his own taste.

Here is a typical example of such a situation: a 21-year-old young man convinced himself that he was unlucky with girls. Despite such a young age and the almost complete lack of dating experience, he decided that he was not interested in the opposite sex. Friends gave him some advice on how and where to meet, what words to say and how to behave. He began to approach unfamiliar girls on the street, in in public places, in the subway and try to get acquainted, but everyone refused him. As a result, he decided that he did not like the girls, did not attract them as a man. With each subsequent acquaintance, he already set himself up for a negative answer in advance. Self-esteem was rapidly falling, which was reflected in the end of his studies, he could not defend his diploma.

In the process of working with a specialist, the young man managed to understand that the problem was that he had low self-esteem. As a result of several meetings, his self-esteem has increased significantly, he was able to find his own approach to girls, no longer needing the advice of friends. Soon he had several successful acquaintances, one of which grew into a long-term relationship.

The root of an adult relationship problem may lie in childhood.

Often the answer to the question why relationships with women do not work out lies in childhood, in a family setting. Mom is the first woman in the life of any man. It is on the relationship between mother and son that it depends on how the boy will grow up, how his personal family life will develop.

For example, one man who, at age 40, decided to seek help from a specialist, told the story of his family life. All his adult life he tried to find the woman he loved, but could not. He sought to meet beautiful and successful girls, but the relationship did not work out. The man wondered, “Why don’t I have a relationship in which I would be comfortable?”.

During the consultation cycle, the man managed to understand what prevented him from building relationships and communicating freely with those women who he really liked, who were suitable in temperament, character, and interests. The man was raised by his grandmother, while his mother pursued a career and was successful, but her son was not interested in her. He sincerely loved his mother, but in return he received only coldness and indifference. The experience of the specialist and the desire to solve the problem helped the man meet a bright and spectacular woman, and then build a relationship with her at the proper level.

How to change the attitude towards women?

Most parents want to raise sons who could achieve a lot in life, could create families and build successful career. There are several parenting patterns that can lead to the fact that a man does not develop relationships with girls throughout his life.

1 model

If a boy is limited in everything, they do not allow him to show own initiative and do what you love. It will be difficult for him to make acquaintances with the opposite sex and show a dominant role in the family.

2 model

It will also be difficult to build relationships for the boy whose mother was very domineering and regularly scolded her son for his misdeeds for any reason, even if he was not to blame for them. Such guys are afraid of women, they are wary of the opposite sex and try to avoid moments of crisis.

Here is another example of the story of one young man. At the age of 24, he managed to completely become disillusioned with the girls. He carefully chose each new girl for acquaintance, evaluating all her qualities, but, having become close, he learned that the “ideal couple” was not free. At the first conversation, the guy said that all the worthy girls were already taken, he was tired of refusals, regarded them as his own failure and the superiority of his opponent. He treated the rest of the girls with visible disdain. Many times he tried to get acquainted on special sites, but at the first two meetings he discovered a mismatch of interests and ended the relationship. With those whom he noted as worthy, there were no more than 1-2 dates, after which the girl left.

As a result, a self-confident, successful guy began to experience serious problems with communication, lost interest in work, most spent time alone, withdrew. Gradually, the young man managed to regain self-confidence, not to give up, to tune in to the search for right decision. A course of communication with a specialist soon led to real results, the guy invited a colleague on a date. Long communication with this girl grew into a serious relationship.

Timely help from a specialist Right way to solve the problem of loneliness.

In the problem of unsuccessful relationships, it is very important to find out the reason that prevents you from being harmonious, loved, happy. Hear sweet word, to feel the warmth of touch, to feel needed, to find the meaning of life - every man deserves this. In order for life to gain meaning, and not be an empty existence, you need to find strength in yourself and accept the help of a professional. An experienced specialist will help to change the inner world without breaking the ideology and value systems, and look at it from a different angle. After all, the path to solving a complex problem can be evaluated objectively, and then man will find way out of the current situation. and I will help you.

Your next relationship with the guys is over, and for the umpteenth time you ask yourself why you come across the “wrong” guys. You ask yourself why happiness shuns you, and what went wrong this time? Well, let's try to figure out what mistakes you make when building relationships. Why relationships with guys do not stick 5 possible reasons.

1. You quickly decide that this is the love of your life.

you get to know good guy. From the very beginning, you find it interesting, although you can't always explain why. It immediately seems to you that this is “exactly the one”, and this thought absorbs you completely. You are sure, but in fact you yourself want to be sure that this guy will satisfy all your dreams of a happy relationship. And that it is he who will surely give what you have been dreaming of for so long.

Most women have in their head a model of the ideal partner. Research confirms that this model is as similar as possible to your own father (of course, if the parents' marriage was a happy one). That's why you can fall in love with someone who fits the model of the ideal the most, even though this person may not suit you.

Don't make up final decision about a new guy too soon, even if at first glance he seems like an ideal candidate. Let your relationship develop. Of course, there are many cases where love occurs at first sight. But nothing bad will happen if you listen to the voice of common sense and simply give yourself time. Try to find out his strengths and weak sides, learn to accept them, see how much you can count on him, how he will behave in different situations. Make sure he also has feelings for you in return. And then - love from the heart!

2. You are in a hurry to confess.

Men, as a rule, are not too expansive. Sometimes, even in long-term relationships, they do not show their feelings the way their partners would like. But if you yourself are deeply in love, then you look forward to the active manifestation of feelings from your partner. And if he is silent, then you start, in the end, pushing him to this, asking, hinting and even demanding a clear statement. But this is a big mistake.

Sometimes a small hand gesture speaks louder than thousands. beautiful words. This is the way guys show their feelings. Don't rush him. Let him decide when he is ready to confess. If you truly believe that this is the one, let's wait a little - after all, this will be a long-awaited moment for both of you. Then you will get even more pleasure from him than when you “knock out” a confession by force. Show a little patience so as not to scare him away with your haste, but at this time it is better to take a good look at your chosen one - is it really “the one”?

Keep in mind that interest in each other must be shown delicately and gradually - so that neither side is embarrassed and has the right to choose. So if you are not one hundred percent sure of his reciprocal feelings, you do not need to bombard him with confessions. His reaction may be unexpected - he may be afraid that he does not meet your requirements, does not experience reciprocal feelings, and leave. He may also be surprised and shocked, and leave your confessions unanswered, ignored. You will feel resentful and underappreciated. Your relationship will end the way it started.

3. First you idealize him, and then you disappoint him.

The beginning of acquaintance and sympathy always causes strong emotions (euphoria) and mutual charm. This is the time to get to know each other, when you look at your partner through rose-colored glasses. It should be noted that this feeling disappears after a few months, well, a maximum of a year. At this time, you will gradually get to know your partner, and the closer your acquaintance, the more shortcomings you notice in him. Psychologists say that this is quite normal. At the beginning of a relationship, everyone wants to prove themselves to a new partner in the best way, to seem better than they really are, so they try to play along a little. Take this into account so that you don't try to shield yourself in front of your soul mate at the beginning of a relationship, and then not be subject to frustrated insults.

Researchers from the University of Buffalo confirm that the more we idealize our partner, the happier we are. They studied many young couples for three years, every six months, and concluded that those couples who look at each other more rationally are less satisfied with their relationship. While the idealization of one's half helped to look at the world more optimistically and solve many problems. It should be remembered that the falling in love phase lasts no more than three years. Further, the relationship of partners requires a great mutual understanding.

To avoid breaking up again, (it will be useful for you to read,), you have two options. Be aware that over time your loved one has not changed, but still remains your favorite and sweet bunny, although he sits in front of the TV or computer for a long time. Or vice versa - try to accept its minor flaws and imperfections.

4. You don't listen to others.

Family and friends sometimes see more than you think. And finally, they know you well. They are more likely to notice that the guy you met is not what he seems to you. First of all, they wish you well, so at first they can gently hint that something is wrong in the current situation. Of course you will be outraged. After all, a friend who treacherously criticizes your lover can no longer be a friend. And your parents... after all, this is your life, what can they know about it? This is how it will usually feel to you.

Of course, you don't have to act immediately as your family and friends tell you to. After all, it is true that it is you who are in the closest relationship with your partner, you know and feel him best of all. But maybe sometimes it’s worth listening a little to those people who look at your chosen one with a critical eye? Those who are not fascinated by his charm, but think soberly and judiciously? Even if your loved ones do not convince you that this person is not for you, then you will become even stronger in your feelings.

5. You are afraid to be alone forever.

You meet someone who at first seems like a great guy to you. He is very interested in you, and you recent times so tired of being alone! All your friends and acquaintances meet their halves already long time and you still come to the company alone. You decide to give a chance to a new acquaintance and wait what may develop from this acquaintance. Months pass and you get used to his presence in your life. There are no thrills in your relationship, and over time, his presence even begins to bother. Then you start to wonder: what are you doing next to this person? You start to rush about, but do not know how to find a way out of this situation. Moreover, this person is the same as at the beginning of the relationship, and you have nothing to complain about.

But there may be another situation. For example, at the beginning of your acquaintance, everything was like a fairy tale. You were happy, in love, full of ideas and plans for the future. But after a while, he was no longer the same person he once was. Both of you are disappointed in your expectations, but neither of you can leave. In addition, you have known each other for many years ... Everyone put so much strength and selfless efforts on the altar of relationships. You are even scared to think about giving up everything and starting life anew. Tired of the routine, you are increasingly in conflict with your partner. And when, finally, everything falls apart, you understand that this relationship cannot continue, but you forcibly kept it, afraid to be alone.

Have you ever wondered why more and more women are choosing to leave a relationship with a man and continue on their own, relying solely on their own shoulder? Disappointed in a man, a woman leaves the relationship and often no longer sees worthy partners for herself. It is clear that all people are different, but dissatisfaction with the opposite sex, as a rule, can be heard from a female controller. What is this type of personality female controller and Why don't relationships with men work?- about it will be discussed in this article.

How does control manifest itself?

Control appears in wanting to be in control- people, events taking place, etc. and dissatisfaction when everything goes "wrong" as we would like. This is an inner desire. Behind the desire to control are the expectations of a person “I know how it should be”, disbelief that everything happens without your intervention the best way, desire to influence what is happening, to subordinate to one’s will, to do “as it should be”.

At the same time, the opinion of another person is often ignored, methods of pressure can be used - lies, silence, tricks, manipulations on feelings of guilt, or “I was offended, you hurt me” are used, while the real reason for such behavior is to force the other person to do so as desired by the controller.

In other words, it is based on the desire to be "how I want", even if the other person does not want it. Therefore, it is not surprising that the partner's will weakens over time. A woman is even more disappointed with her partner, “men are weaklings”, “irresponsible”, “they cannot be trusted”, “you cannot rely on them”, “I'd rather do everything myself”.

A woman is guided by the principle “I must”

Here is the answer of one of the readers to the question why a woman is lonely: “We also have such a mentality that a woman owes everything to everyone - to cook and wash and clean and be a mistress in bed and a nanny ... And what about a man - free app? Well then, you need to use it exactly as an application, since you can't rely on him for anything..” This is a fairly common opinion among modern women.

From the quote above, it turns out that the mentality, which is wrong with us, is to blame for everything. The mentality could not sneak into your head on its own, without your participation. You and only you yourself allowed him to settle there and take root and now control your thoughts and your life.

Whether you owe someone or not is up to you to decide, not the people around you and not the mentality of the society in which you live. Have you agreed to this and allowed it to happen? in your life. Therefore, you live in just such a reality - when you owe everything and men cannot be relied upon.

When a woman lives according to the principle “I have to”, then she forces herself, forces herself, goes against herself and her desires. If a woman does this to herself, she does the same to those around her.- forces, ignores their desires, climbs into their personal affairs, indicates what they should or should not, demands the fulfillment of their instructions.

It all starts with a woman, right? That, how she treats herself, manifests itself in the outside world - it also applies to other people and people also relate to it. If you make demands on others, force them - be prepared for the fact that they will do the same towards you.

Typical for a female controllerthoughts and beliefs:

I know better
a man will not cope (my children will not cope, they will not succeed) - therefore I have to make sure that I bring everything “to mind”
I can do everything myself, I don't depend on anyone
I don't need help, I don't want to ask for help and humiliate myself
men can't be trusted, he'll screw up anyway
what a bungler, clumsy, etc. he is. ruined everything again
Well, how can he not understand, it's so simple
already tired of explaining to him
I have to check everything
how everything will be, what will come of it, probably nothing good

Why controller women don't get along well with men

In family life, it is “weak men” who are attracted to a female controller. These are the men who agree, but avoid taking responsibility, leaving it to the woman. Most often, these are the men whose mother was the controller and they got used to this behavior as a child.

A strong man does not live with a controller woman, because he decides everything himself, makes decisions himself, fulfills them himself, and he does not need to report to his wife. Intuitively, a strong man avoids a controller woman.

Controller woman too subconsciously avoids a strong man, because there is a fear of being “unheard”, “ignored”, losing in the fight “who is in charge here”, losing in a competition with a man.

It follows from this that the female controller there are many hidden benefits from the fact that she lives with a weak man. But she herself will never admit it, so they are hidden. She flatters her vanity with the fact that there is someone who cannot cope, who needs tips, instructions, reminders. And she is so strong and can do it all.

But no female controller admits to having such benefits. Outwardly, she declares that she is looking for a strong man, but “all real men have died out”, and subconsciously strives to be stronger, more important, smarter, etc. men, that is, she competes with him.

Therefore, in family life, such a woman is a competitor, she knows how to beat deftly and skillfully in weak spots partner. For what? In order for everything to be “as it should” according to her own ideas about how things should be.

The reason for control is psychological ravma

One of the reasons for the desire to control is the trauma of betrayal, when someone was irresponsible towards a woman.

Liz Burbora talks about five traumas and the masks that these traumas cover up in her book “Five Traumas That Prevent You from Being Yourself”.A mask (or model of behavior, template, subpersonality) covers the wound, but does not heal it, while it seems to the person that there is no pain at all, but despite this, he still periodically steps on the same rake and is forced to feel his pain again .

Where do patterns of behavior, masks come from? The child absorbs them from parents and other close people, then continues to absorb them at school and in society. But the trauma of betrayal is activated at 4-6 years old by a parent of the opposite sex.

“When we come to heal some kind of trauma, we inevitably choose those parents who activate this trauma,” writes Liz Burbo. She argues that we choose our parents on a trauma-to-trauma basis, they should activate that trauma in us. And these are exactly the injuries that we have already received in past lives.

Why Betrayal Trauma Occurs

If a girl has certain expectations for dad, and if dad does not meet these expectations, then she may perceive this as a manifestation of irresponsibility or betrayal. “Dad didn’t pay attention to me”, “dad always left (he went on business trips, etc.)”, “dad laughed at me”, “dad didn’t protect me from mom (or someone else)”, “dad smiled at another woman and paid attention to her, but not to me, ”etc.

Then she decides not to show her vulnerability and puts on a controller mask to show herself and others that she cannot be betrayed and she has everything under control, she can influence people and events.

That is, she puts on some kind of protection for herself, armor, and fences herself off from her true feelings. She won't let anyone into her heart so as not to suffer from their betrayal.

The reason for the trauma of betrayal is that a woman subconsciously expects others to what she does to herself- betrayal.

Anger, rage, indignation are typical emotions of controllers, both women and men. If you experience such emotions, then you have a controller mask.

Diseases typical for controllers are liver, head, gynecological diseases.

Liz Bourbo also argues that the trauma of betrayal is usually two other traumas are accompanied - the trauma of non-acceptance of oneself and the trauma of the abandoned (abandoned).

The trauma of distrust and self-rejection occurs when a person does not accept himself unconditionally, does not believe that he has the right to something. Such a person needs some reason (achieving a result, being perfect, perfection, meeting standards) to accept and love himself. And the trauma of the abandoned one manifests itself in the case when a person cannot bear loneliness and clings to other people, looking for their support and attention.

The root of the problem is past life

It is clear that all children have expectations in relation to their parents, but not all unfulfilled childhood expectations develop into trauma. If a person has have experienced a specific trauma in a past life, then the trauma is inevitably activated in the current life - first in childhood, and then in adulthood. The old scenario is repeated - so that a person can finally see his injury and allow himself to be imperfect.

So the root of the problem can be found in a past life. Viewing past lives is very effective in healing old traumas. Trauma heals faster when a person sees the past life where he first experienced this trauma.

When you relive old emotions, you release them. At the same time, you understand what they were connected with, under what circumstances you experienced them for the first time, what you wanted at that moment, why it didn’t work out, how this trauma affected you later - through these realizations, the trauma goes away.

The problem is not in the partners, but in the woman's attitude towards them

The trauma of betrayal affects the ability to trust the opposite sex. If you have this injury, then no partner will be happy for you. The problem is not with the partners, but with you. Because you attract exactly those men who meet your expectations. You just don't see the others. In such circumstances, you start the usual behavior model - the controller mask.

Case from my practice

“I trust my partner, but sometimes I suspect him…” said a young woman who contacted me to sort out the reasons for her suspicions. She suspected her partner, but she understood that this was her own inner conviction, the suspicion that something was happening or might not happen the way she wanted it to.

During the immersion session, it turned out that she has a fear of being defenseless, and he manifests himself in this way. That is, in the depths of her psyche there is an understanding "I cannot protect myself." Therefore, outwardly, this manifests itself in the fear that something will happen wrong, and she would like to keep everything under control, to be the mistress of the situation. Suspicion is a manifestation of distrust. Distrust is the expectation of what will happen worst case“Something will happen”. But it works like a direct order to the Universe. And that's why it really happens.

The conviction “I can’t defend myself” arose in her in a past life, where she did not stand up for herself, did not express her disagreement with what was happening, resigned herself and kept silent, thereby betraying himself. The soul remembers this experience, and in the current life the woman secures herself and tries to control what is happening.

The world- This mirror reflection inner world

Liz Burbo claims that we expect from the world exactly what we ourselves do in relation to ourselves or to other people. Esotericists call the world around us a “mirror”. The mirror reflects to us what we do not see in ourselves (our shadow) - that is, people appear, events occur that cause an emotional reaction.

An emotional reaction is a sign of a mirror, and a manifestation of a shadow. When you experience an emotion, especially a strong one, stop and think about what exactly triggered the reaction in you and how it manifests itself in you. What causes a reaction in you is necessarily there in you. When you admit it to yourself, see it in yourself, then emotional reaction no longer.

Logically, it is difficult to understand, but it works just like that - through a mirror. As soon as a person has seen, understood, realized what the mirror wants to show him, the mirror immediately leaves.

How to stop being in control

Control arises when there is no trust in the world. There will be no trust in the world if you do not trust yourself. By doing so, you are betraying yourself.

What is betrayal of oneself, examples:

you did not express your point of view, although you had your own opinion, and you still agreed with the other person
you made a decision, and then abandoned it under the influence of, for example, another person
you hear your inner voice but you brush it off like a pesky fly
you believe that you have to be some kind of perfect, you have your own list that you want to match and if you don’t match it, then you scold yourself, humiliate, compare with other more successful people
you ignore your desires and act according to the principle “I have to”
you force yourself to do something against your will
you berate yourself for “mistakes”
you demand from yourself
you want to be good to others
you do something for another person, but to the detriment of yourself, you would like to spend this time differently
you scold yourself when something unexpected happens and you can't handle it

The first step is to admit where you are betraying yourself.

To get rid of the controller behavior, admit to yourself what you betray yourself. Take the time to do this and write down all the times you betrayed yourself. Be honest with yourself.

Decide not to do it again, don't betray yourself. Make a decision to listen to your desires, moods, feelings, premonitions, etc.

After all, if you yourself do this in relation to yourself, then someone in your environment will definitely appear who will behave this way towards you - betray you, ignore your desires, point out mistakes, expect a trick from you, suspect, force, demand, etc.

The second step is to accept yourself with all your weaknesses.

Allow yourself your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. After all, the mask of the controller is therefore created by our psyche in order to cover from outer eye their vulnerability, especially in relation to the opposite sex. And if you do not hide your vulnerability, then you do not need a mask. Admit your feelings to yourself.

Let yourself feel. After all, if you close yourself from pain, then you close yourself from joy. Because the heart closes all at once, and not individually.

Once you decided that you would not show your vulnerability to anyone and mastered the behavior of the controller as the only possible one.But there are other alternatives - you can admit your vulnerability (at least for yourself) and there is nothing wrong with that. And then you do not need to be “on the alert” all the time and make sure that the world and men do not deviate from the model that you prescribed for them. And then you can relax and trust the world.

Control is a struggle with oneself and the world around

Thus, you will save yourself a lot of energy if you give up control. because control is a struggle. And any struggle with the world is ultimately a struggle with oneself. A person always loses as soon as he enters into a fight. Wrestling takes a lot of strength and energy.

So, in this article, I told you what is the reason for the desire to control and how to stop controlling. Get started now. After all, only you can change your life.