Tips on how to behave in a conflict situation. Important rules of behavior in a conflict situation

A model of behavior is a whole value-normative complex of characteristic human traits, which are examples of emotions, actions, points of view, actions and fundamental attitudes of the individual.

How and where does the behavior pattern manifest itself?

Have you noticed that some are able to think, analyze and fearlessly defend their position, while their “ opposites» rely solely on the crowd effect and become clearly passive in making any decision? These are the patterns of human behavior in society.

We behave fundamentally differently in different situations. Someone may be strong in spirit, despotic and even aggressive, but in relation to any weaknesses, this same person immediately transforms into an addictive teenager who forgets about all his attitudes and principles when he sees the desired object.

There are also counterexamples– a passive and calm woman, at first glance, can turn into a real ruthless beast, protecting her child. All this suggests one thing: behavior patterns are not stable and constant function person, and can change significantly over the course of life and under the influence of certain situations.

Manifestations of an individual in conflict

In the psychological literature, several basic models of behavior in conflict are identified. Each of them is leading in general perception this or that person. Have you often noticed a requirement for applicants regarding conflict-free behavior when looking for a job? " Non-conflict" is a rather abstract concept. A person may have destructive communication tactics, but, for the time being, restrain himself in the situation he needs.

Psychological models of “stressful” behavior of people may depend on the type and cause of the conflict, its image, value interpersonal relationships for a specific individual, psychological and ethical properties of the participants in the quarrel.

Patterns of personality behavior provide specific guidance on the origin, duration, dynamics and method of resolving the conflict. Based on this, we can conclude that these features can also vary depending on the relationship of the opponents, their feelings towards each other, the desire to settle the situation, or, on the contrary, “inflame” it even more.

So, in conflict situation There are three main behavioral models:

Constructive;
Destructive;
Conformist.

Productive constructive

The best option for resolving any dispute. People who have a constructive model of behavior are not at all passive or withdrawn. They try to find the “root of evil” and quickly neutralize it.

A person with such a position easily makes concessions if reconciliation is more important to him than proving that he is right. Even if he is 100% right, he will not put pressure on the interlocutor with his conclusions, will listen carefully to him without interrupting, and analyze his position. He never regards his own point of view as the only correct one.

Never trusts sources of information that are generally considered to be the ultimate truth. He is guided solely by the specifics in this conflict, tries to resolve it by finding a compromise, and in the future does not return to the issue of the quarrel.

The constructive model is characterized by enviable endurance and self-control. Constructive personality will never hurt his opponent, humiliate his dignity, or point out his mistakes. She speaks extremely calmly, does not raise her tone, and observes etiquette. Regardless of the basis of the conflict, the “constructive” is distinguished by an extremely friendly attitude towards his interlocutor, but does not go as far as forgiveness.

IN everyday communication representatives of this type friendly, taciturn, laconic and brief, often extroverts and altruists. Without participating in the quarrel, but as an observer from the outside, the “constructive” acts as a peacemaker, trying to find a solution acceptable to both sides. Unfortunately, this model is becoming less and less common in modern society.

Destructive Destructor

The complete opposite of the first model of behavior in conflict. Representatives of this personality type strive for one goal - constant expansion, strengthening and stabilization of the conflict situation. Their internal psychology is aimed at belittling their partner in every convenient way. Often this leads to open insults and an extremely negative assessment of the opponent’s personality.

The inherent weakness of such people is the inability to behave in society and stand up for themselves correctly. Proving that one is right often turns into obvious ridicule of others, belittling of their thinking abilities, and a position of distrust and suspicion towards rivals. Moreover, this same suspicion is often based on the actions of the “destructive” person himself, which he tries to incriminate and condemn in other people.

It is almost impossible to resolve a dispute with such a representative; sometimes it seems that from inciting it he gets remarkable euphoria. And indeed, in everyday communication such people are called “ energy vampires».

They calm down only when their “victim” becomes completely exhausted by a heated argument. As a rule, the outcome of the conflict does not lead to any constructive solution. Most often, quarrels are repeated again and again, acquiring a bright expressive hue.

“Destructive” often violates all the norms of etiquette, and can cruelly ridicule and use obscene language at his opponent. It is quite typical for him to “let his hands go.” A destructive pattern of behavior can never be justified, since it brings destructive aspects to relationships.

Dangerous conformism

No matter how strange it may seem, this is the most dangerous model of behavior in conflict. If a “destructive person” can be easily reassured by deliberately agreeing with his “ the only true one”opinion, then a “conformist” is capable of turning even a loyal person into a “destructive”.

Conformist behavior in a quarrel is extreme passivity and weakness. A person with such a characteristic trait tends to avoid any pressing issues and finding out without which it is almost impossible to find a compromise. He is characterized by an absolutely amorphous style of communication, constant “yes assent” to his interlocutor, and avoidance of analysis of the dispute.

At the same time, the “conformist” is completely inconsistent in his judgments, words, assessments and point of view. Today he can make concessions to you in order to avoid conflict, first of all, saving himself, and tomorrow he can reignite it again, expressing a point of view completely opposite to today’s.

“Conformists” easily agree with their opponent, and often it looks like they are simply not listening to him and are ignoring him. Representatives of this type often incite aggression in their partner, or become its main provocateurs.

Addictive behavior - a type destructive behavior, which causes significant harm to both the individual himself and his environment. Addiction is understood as the desire to escape reality by changing one’s own consciousness. The tool for this is often alcohol, a drug or a psychotropic substance.

What psychological models of addictive destructive behavior exist?

Calming – taking drugs or alcohol in order to become more cheerful, calm and sociable;
Communication – taking drugs and alcohol to improve communication skills in communication, friendship and love;
Activating – bad habits become a source of strength, vigor, confidence, courage and good mood;
Manipulative - use psychoactive substances in order to demonstrate their originality, uniqueness, exclusivity and superiority;
Hedonic – the use of surfactants and alcohol is caused by the desire to relax physically and achieve euphoria;
Conformal - to be “like everyone else,” to keep up with the fashion for “drugs,” to imitate a drug-addicted idol;
Compensatory – aimed at compensating for problems and feelings of inferiority.

Remember - all of the listed properties are not permanent and are subject to your correction. If you want to change the world for the better, start with yourself! Practice self-control and self-discipline!

The language of communication is perhaps the most remarkable invention of mankind in its entire history. It is largely thanks to language that man became what he became. We all constantly communicate, both with acquaintances and with strangers. At the same time, each of us from time to time has to communicate with difficult, conflicting people. How to behave with them so that they don’t ruin your mood? Below are 15 simple tips, which will help you respond optimally to conflict situations.

Keep calm. Don't give in to provocations. Conflict can be prevented if you are confident and behave accordingly. Respond to attacks politely, calmly and confidently. A calm response to aggression will thwart any attack. If the interlocutor, despite your efforts, continues the dialogue in a raised voice, do not hesitate to remind him of mutual respect.
Don't stoop to the level of those who are trying to provoke you. You should not take the offensive words of aggressive people to heart.
Formulate your arguments in a dispute clearly and clearly. Try to say only what you are sure of. Strive to explain your position to your interlocutor in a language that is understandable to your interlocutor.
Don't be afraid to say no. Do this tactfully and firmly.
Improve your appearance. (Read more about this in our article). This will improve your opponent’s perception of you and, as a result, reduce his desire to conflict with you.
If someone's behavior annoys you, ignore them, especially if their actions do not affect you. In such cases, you need to mentally say to yourself: “I’m not interested in this” or “So what.”
During a conflict discussion, do not be indignant and, especially, do not make excuses. Try to shift the emotional conversation to a calm and logical discussion of the problem that has arisen.
Before a difficult conversation, mentally set yourself up for the positive.
Everyone has their own truth. This must be accepted. Your interlocutor may not listen to you, may not agree, or, finally, may not understand. In a dispute, you need to look for common points, and this can only be done in a calm state.
Treat your interlocutor with respect when you think that he is clearly wrong. You should remember that everyone makes mistakes, including you. They learn from mistakes, and often from their own.
After some time, analyze important dialogues regarding your behavior in them: what was said correctly and what was not.
Try to conduct the dialogue measuredly. Both you and your interlocutor need time to think about the information received. Feel free to ask again.
If the dialogue turns into an argument, try to defuse the tense situation with humor.
Avoid discussing personal qualities in dialogue; use only facts and events. Judging someone often appears out of powerlessness, as the last argument in a dispute.
Completing the dialogue is of great importance. The words “goodbye”, “I wish you a good day” and in general any words spoken sincerely will be useful.

Good and pleasant interlocutors for you.

Every person, finding himself in a conflict situation, experiences urgent need choosing a very specific style of behavior that will be most effective in solving the problem that has arisen. The choice largely depends on your own style, the style of your opponents, as well as the nature and nature of the conflict itself.

The system for describing different styles of human behavior in conflict is based on a technique developed by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann in 1972. It allows each person to choose their own style of behavior in the process of conflict development.

The main styles of behavior in a conflict situation are associated with common source any conflict - a discrepancy between the interests of opposing parties. The personal style of behavior in a particular conflict is determined by the extent to which a person wants to satisfy his own interests (acting passively or actively) and the interests of the other party (acting jointly or individually). If we present this in graphical form, we get the Thomas-Kilmann grid, which allows us to determine the place and name for each of the five main styles of human behavior in conflict (Fig. 12)

This grid can help define your own style or the style of anyone else. Start with the side marked active and passive. If your reaction is passive, then you will try to get out of the conflict; if it is active, you will make attempts to resolve it. You can make such assessments for yourself and for other participants in the conflict, focusing on the upper and lower parts of the grid.

Rice. 12. Thomas - Kilmenna grid

The right and left parts of the grid determine the nature of the interaction between opponents. If you prefer joint actions, then you will try to resolve the conflict together with another person or group of people who are involved in it, but if you prefer to act individually, then you will look for your own way to solve the problem or a way to avoid solving it. The degree of cooperative behavior can also be easily assessed for you and for other people.

If you put these parts of the grid together, you get a matrix of five styles with a compromise style in the middle. It equally includes joint and individual actions, as well as passive and active behavior.

Having carefully considered these various styles, you can identify your own style, which you usually resort to in specific situations, as well as the styles that people associated with you usually use. Everyone uses all of these styles to some extent, but usually has priority. However, under certain conditions a person may prefer a different style. Additionally, certain styles may be most effective for resolving specific conflicts certain type. Therefore, to choose the most effective style, it is necessary to provide a more detailed description of each of the five styles of behavior and how to use it in the conflict process.

1. STYLE OF RIVALRY (COMPETITION). As can be seen from the matrix in Fig. a person who uses a competitive style is very active and prefers to move towards resolving the conflict in my own way. He is not very interested in cooperation with other people, but he is capable of strong-willed decisions. Such a person tries, first of all, to force other people to make their decision common problem. To achieve the goal, he uses his strong-willed qualities; and if his will is strong enough, then he succeeds.

This style is very effective when a person has some power, he knows that his decision or approach in a given situation is correct, and he has the opportunity to insist on it. However, this is probably not a style that is recommended for personal relationships; If you want to get along with people, then a competitive style, a competitive style, can make them feel alienated. But if you apply this style in a situation where a person does not have sufficient power, for example, when on some issue your point of view differs from the point of view of your boss, you risk failure. This style is recommended for use in the following situations:

♦♦♦ the outcome is very important to you and you place a big bet on your solution to the problem;

♦♦♦ the decision must be made quickly, and you have enough power to do this;
♦♦♦ You feel that you have no other choice and that you have nothing to lose;

♦♦♦ You are in a critical situation that requires an instant response in order to forestall the opponent’s actions;

♦♦♦ You don’t want to make it clear to your team that you are at a dead end, because this will undermine your position as a leader and turn the group away from you;

♦♦♦ You must accept non-standard solution, but it is necessary to act now and you have enough authority to take these steps.

If you use this approach, you may not be recognized enough in the group, but if it gives a positive result, you will win a lot of supporters. But if your main goal is recognition and a good relationship with everyone, then this style should not be used; it is recommended rather in cases where the solution you propose to the problem is useful for you great importance when you feel that to implement it you need to act quickly, and when you believe in victory because you have sufficient will or power for this.

2. EVADERATION STYLE. The second of the five main approaches to a conflict situation also involves individual actions, but they are very passive character. This style occurs when you do not stand up for your rights, do not cooperate with anyone to develop a solution to the problem, or simply avoid resolving the conflict while retaining the ability to act. This style can be used if the problem being addressed is not so important to you, and you do not want to waste time and energy on solving it. It is also used in situations where your situation looks less favorable or completely hopeless. If you feel wrong and anticipate that another person is right, if your opponent has much more power, you have enough reasons not to fully defend your own position, but also not to “lose face.” You can try changing the subject, leaving the room, or doing anything that will delay the conflict from getting worse. In this situation, you are not trying to satisfy your own interests or the interests of your opponent. Instead, you avoid the problem by ignoring it, shifting responsibility for solving it to someone else, delaying the solution, or using other problems.

The avoidance style may be appropriate in situations where you are forced to communicate with difficult person and when there are no serious reasons to continue contact with him. This approach can also be useful if you are trying to make a decision, but you don't know what to do, and there is no need to make this decision right away. Instead of creating tension by trying to solve the problem immediately, you can allow yourself to delay and consciously avoid making a hasty decision. You may need to give the impression that you will return to this issue when the opportunity arises; in other words, this approach may look like procrastination or avoidance of responsibility. This style is also suitable for cases when you feel that you do not have enough information to solve a specific problem. If you must take a wait-and-see attitude and time itself may provide the answer, then it is better to admit it and say to yourself: “I cannot do this now. I will wait.”

the tension is too great and you feel the need to ease the tension;

the outcome is not very important to you or you think that the decision is so trivial that it is not worth wasting energy on it;

you are having a very difficult day, and solving this problem may bring additional troubles;

you know that you cannot or even do not want to resolve the conflict in your favor;

you want to gain time, maybe in order to get Additional information or to gain someone's powerful support;

the situation is very difficult and you feel that resolving the conflict will require too much of you;

you have little power to solve the problem as a whole or to implement the way you want to solve it;

you feel that your opponent has a much better chance of solving the problem in his favor;

Trying to solve the problem immediately is dangerous, since revealing and openly discussing the conflict can only worsen the situation.

Although some may consider the avoidance style to be an "escape" from problems and responsibilities rather than an effective approach to conflict resolution, in reality, withdrawal or delay can be an appropriate and constructive response to a conflict situation. It is likely that if you try to ignore it, not express your attitude towards it, avoid the decision, change the topic or transfer the attention of your opponents to something else, the conflict will resolve itself. If this does not happen, then you can do it later, when you are more ready for it.

3. ADAPTATION STYLE. This style means that you act together with your opponent, without trying to defend your own interests and be more active. You can use this approach when the outcome of the case is extremely important to the other person and not very significant to you. This style is also useful in situations in which you cannot prevail because the other person has more power; thus, you give in and accept what your opponent wants. Thomas and Kilmann say that you act in this style when you sacrifice your interests for the benefit of another person, giving in to him or pitying him. Since using this approach puts your own interests aside, it is better to do this when your contribution to solving the problem is not yet too great or when you are not betting too much on a positive solution to the problem for you. This allows you to feel comfortable with the other person's wishes. But you won't want to accommodate someone if you feel wronged in some way. If you feel that you are giving in on something important to you and feel dissatisfied as a result, then the accommodation style in this case is obviously unacceptable. It may also be inappropriate in a situation where you feel that the other person is not going to, in turn, give up something or that this person will not appreciate what you have done. This style should be used when you feel that by giving a little you have little to lose. You can resort to this strategy if this moment it is necessary to soften the situation somewhat, and then you intend to return to this issue and defend your position.

The accommodation style can be a bit like the avoidance style in that you can use it to gain a reprieve from solving a problem. However, what makes it different is that you act together with another person: you participate in the situation and agree to do what your opponent wants. When you use an avoidance style, you are not doing anything to satisfy the other person's interests. You are simply pushing the problem away from yourself.

Here are the most typical situations in which the use of this style is recommended:

you are not particularly concerned about what happened;

you understand that the outcome is much more important for the other person than for you;

you realize that the truth is not on your side;

you have little power or little chance of winning;

you believe that the other person can learn a lesson from this situation if you give in to his wishes, even if you disagree with what he is doing or believe that he is making a mistake.

By giving in, agreeing, or sacrificing your interests in favor of another person, you can soften a conflict situation and restore harmony. You can continue to be satisfied with the result if you consider it acceptable for yourself. Or you can use this period of calm to buy time so that you can then achieve the final decision you want.

4. COOPERATION STYLE. Following this style, a person actively participates in resolving the conflict and defends his interests, but at the same time tries to cooperate with his opponent. This style requires more work than other approaches to conflict because you first lay out the needs, concerns, and interests of both parties and then discuss them. However, if you have time and the solution to the problem is important enough to you, then this is a good way to find a mutually beneficial outcome and satisfy the interests of all parties.

This style is especially effective when the parties have different needs. In such cases, it is usually difficult to determine the source of dissatisfaction. At first, it may seem that both parties want the same thing or have opposing goals for the distant future, which is an immediate source of conflict. However, there is a difference between external manifestations(statements or positions in a dispute) and underlying interests or needs that serve as the true causes of the conflict situation.

For example, the perceived cause of conflict at work may be the employee's slowness in performing professional duties. But this slowness may hide a deeper work conflict, the cause of which is dissatisfaction with work (lack of respect, recognition, evaluation or low degree responsibility, which alienates a person from his work). If you influence only superficial manifestations, then it will be similar to just external cosmetic repairs of a building with a destroyed foundation. The low efficiency of such work will soon become evident, since the roots of the problem will remain. A person may stop being slow, but then he will resort to unconscious sabotage by taking extra breaks from work or using work equipment for personal gain, convincing himself that he has a right to this because his work is not valued and paid enough. And this will be his way of getting some compensation. Style encourages each person to openly discuss his needs and desires. An employee in the situation described above may directly state that he needs recognition, higher evaluation and responsibility. If his boss understands this, then he will meet this person halfway, and as a result the employee will be in to a greater extent dedicate yourself to work and thus the problem of procrastination will be solved with additional positive results.

In other words, to successfully use the collaborative style, it is necessary to spend some time and effort searching for hidden interests and needs in order to develop a way to satisfy the desires of both parties. If both opponents understand what is causing the conflict, they can work together to explore new alternatives or work out mutually acceptable compromises.

This approach can be effective in the following situations:

solving the problem is very important for both sides, and no one wants to completely distance themselves from it;

you have a close, long-term and interdependent relationship with the other party;

you have enough time to work on the problem at hand (this is a good approach to conflict resolution based on long-term plans);

you and your opponent are well aware of the issue, and the desires of both sides are known;

you and the other person want to put some ideas on the table and work together to come up with a solution;

both opponents are able to express the essence of their interests, and know how to listen and hear each other;

both parties involved in the conflict have equal power or do not notice the difference in position in order to seek a solution to the problem on equal terms.

Cooperation is a friendly, wise approach to solving the problem of identifying and satisfying the interests of both parties. However, this requires some effort. Both parties must spend some time on this, they must be able to explain their desires, express their needs, listen to each other and then develop alternative options and solutions to the problem. The absence of one of these elements makes this approach ineffective. The collaborative style is the most difficult among other styles, however, it allows us to develop the most satisfying solutions to both parties in complex and important conflict situations.

5. COMPROMISE STYLE. It is in the middle of the Thomas-Kilmann grid. Its very location indicates partial results resulting from joint action. Its essence lies in the fact that you give in a little in your interests in order to partially satisfy them, and the other side does the same. In other words, you agree on partially satisfying your desire and partially fulfilling the desire of another person. You do this by exchanging concessions and weighing everything to develop a compromise solution that suits both.

Such actions may resemble cooperation to some extent. However, compromise is achieved at a more superficial level compared to cooperation. You are not looking for hidden needs and interests as you would with a collaborative style. You only consider what you tell each other about your desires.

The compromise style is most effective when you and the other person want the same thing, but you know it's not possible for you to do it at the same time. For example, you both want to occupy the same position, or while you are on vacation together, you want to spend it in different ways. Therefore, you must work out some kind of compromise based on minor mutual concessions. For example, in the case of a joint vacation, you can agree that you will spend part of your vacation in the mountains and part at the seaside.

Using the compromise style, you view the conflict situation as a given and look for a way to influence or change only it by giving in or exchanging concessions. If the collaborative style is aimed at developing a long-term mutually beneficial solution, then in case of compromise it may be a short-term suitable option. As a result of a successful compromise, a person can express his agreement as follows: “I can live with this.” The emphasis is not on a solution that satisfies the interests of both parties, but on an option that can be expressed in the words: “We cannot both fully fulfill our desires, therefore, it is necessary to come to a decision that each of us can live with.”

Compromise may well help in cases where neither opponent has the time or energy necessary to cooperate, or when their interests are mutually exclusive. The compromise style can be used in the following typical situations:

both parties have equal power and have mutually exclusive interests;

you want to come to a decision quickly because you don't have time or because it is a more economical and efficient way;

you may be satisfied with a temporary solution;

you can effectively take advantage of short-term benefits;

other approaches to solving the problem turned out to be ineffective;

satisfying your desire is not too important for you, and you can slightly change the goal set at the beginning;

Compromise is often a good retreat or even the last opportunity to come to some kind of solution. You may choose this approach from the start; if you don't have enough power to get what you want, if cooperation isn't possible, and if no one wants unilateral concessions. Thus, you partially satisfy your interests, and your opponent partially satisfies theirs, while you can always try a different approach to resolving the conflict in the future if the initial compromise seems to eliminate the problem for a short time.

When you are trying to reach a compromise solution with someone, you should start by clarifying the interests and desires of both parties. After this, it is necessary to identify the area of coincidence of interests. You must make proposals, listen to the other side's proposals, be prepared to make concessions, exchange services, etc. Continue negotiations until you can work out a formula of mutual concessions acceptable to both parties. IN ideal a compromise may suit both opponents.

When defining your own style, it is important to understand that each of the styles listed here is effective only in certain conditions, and none of them can be singled out as the best. In principle, each person should be able to effectively use any of them and consciously make one or another choice, taking into account specific circumstances.

The best approach will depend on your specific situation as well as your personality. It's natural to prefer certain styles over others, but having a rigid preference can limit your options. Thus, it is important to determine your priorities, as well as possible alternative options. This will allow you to be more free to make choices when faced with specific conflict situations.

If you notice to yourself that you prefer not to use a certain style or that you feel uncomfortable using it, then you can develop the ability to use it. For example, if you feel that you are trying to accommodate others more than you are trying to stand up for yourself, then you should work on increasing your assertiveness and strengthening your will. Then, in appropriate situations, you can confidently apply the competitive style. Or, if you feel that you compromise too often, being very impatient person, then maybe you can learn patience in serious conflict situations, after which calm cooperation helps you find a better solution.

The approaches to conflict resolution described above are designed to communicate with ordinary people encountered in life every day. However, there are people who will not meet you halfway, no matter how hard you try to reconcile. Due to certain personal characteristics These people contribute to the emergence of conflict situations, and in the resulting conflict they show stubbornness and prevent the problem from being resolved. Such people are usually called difficult, since even the elementary process simple communication it is very difficult to deal with them, not to mention resolving a conflict with such an opponent. Their behavior undermines the foundations of people's trust in each other, which should soften human relationships.

Communication with such people requires special approaches that take into account the characteristics of each type separately. The key is to remain flexible, control your emotions and apply to a specific person an appropriate approach, taking into account his hidden needs and interests, as well as your own priorities in the current situation.

Below is a brief description of most common types difficult people and recommendations for choosing the appropriate style of behavior when communicating with them.

1. Type "bulldozer" ("tank"). These are rude and unceremonious people who believe that everyone around them should give way to them. They can behave this way because they are convinced that they are right and want everyone around them to know about it. At the same time, some of these people may be afraid of revealing that they are wrong. For a tank, having its image undermined is a terrible prospect.

If the subject of the conflict is not particularly important to you, then it is better to avoid confrontation or adapt to your opponent. Get out of the way or give in to this person in small ways so as not to provoke his aggression. If you choose a different approach, then it is better to start by giving such a person the opportunity to speak out, so to speak, to “blow off steam.” Then, you need to calmly and confidently express your own point of view, but try not to question the rightness of your opponent, since as a result you will inevitably face a hostile reaction. Define your role as that of a peacemaker who stands above the conflict. Try to suppress the enemy's rage with your own calmness; this will help him cope with his aggressiveness, and you can come to a common decision.

2. Type "hidden aggressor" ("avenger"). A person who is this type of difficult person tries to cause trouble for people through underhanded machinations, barbs, and other hidden manifestations aggression. Usually he believes that such behavior is completely justified; someone else did wrong, and he plays the role of a secret avenger, restoring justice. He may also behave this way because he does not have enough power to act openly.

Again, if you decide that avoiding or tolerating such a person is not for you, then best way is to identify specific fact harm and then determine hidden reasons opponent's actions. Let the person attacking you know that you are above this by saying something like, “What are you trying to achieve by doing this?” If he starts to deny the facts, provide evidence. At the same time, you should remain calm so that the person does not think that you are aggressive towards him personally, as this can only lead to an open clash. If you give a few more revealing examples, the person will understand that the mask of a secret “fighter against injustice” has been torn off from him. Now he should either stop attacking you or openly admit it. When everything is brought to the surface, you will be able to identify the true causes of a person’s “difficulty” and, taking them into account, find a way to solve the problem.

3. The “angry child” type (“dynamite”, “gunpowder”). This type of person is not evil by nature. This is not his usual state. He can be wonderful sympathetic person, but his initial reaction to unpleasant information is sometimes unpredictable; he explodes like a child who has Bad mood. Typically, the person who behaves this way is scared and helpless, and the outburst of emotions reflects his desire to take control of the situation. So, for example, a husband can explode, jealous (most often, unreasonably) of his wife only because he is afraid of losing her and fears losing control over the development of events; or the boss may lose his temper, feeling that his subordinates are completely out of control, and he cannot find an effective way to lead them.

If an explosive person's tirade comes at you, the basic principle to follow in order to avoid escalation of the conflict (if you decide not to avoid it altogether) is to let the person yell, to vent his emotions, or to convince the person that that you are listening to him. It is necessary to let him know that he is in control of the situation, and thereby calm him down. Then, when he calms down, treat him as normal, reasonable person, as if there was no explosion on his part. Diplomatically and kindly invite him to discuss the problem that has arisen. You may find that the person is somewhat embarrassed after such an outburst. Accept his apology if it comes, and he will feel much better. But it’s even better to divert his attention from what happened, and then it will be easier for the person to forget about it. Feeling that he is again in control of the situation, such a person will again seem calm and reasonable.

4. “Complainer” type. There are actually two types of complainers: realistic and paranoid, who complain about imaginary circumstances. Both types of complainers often get caught up in some idea and blame others - someone in particular or the world in general - for all the sins. In some cases, you may encounter the complainer only as an appreciative listener. In others - as the subject of his complaints and accusations.

If the complainant starts a conversation with you about some third party, then it is best to agree with him. Alternatively, you can object and say that he is wrong. However, none of these approaches will help solve original problem. In the first case, the complainant will find another reason to complain, your sympathy confirms the validity of his complaints. And in the second case, he will begin to defend himself because you began to attack him, not agreeing with the validity of his complaints.

Instead, start by listening to the complainer. It doesn't matter whether he's right or wrong. He longs to be heard. This is one of the reasons that he is constantly unhappy. He believes that no one wants to listen to him or take his words seriously. His complaints usually arise from disappointment and awareness of his own powerlessness. By listening to him, you give him back the feeling self-importance and provide an opportunity to express your feelings.

You should acknowledge or appreciate the person by showing that you understood what they said, perhaps by repeating it in different words. Then, after expressing the essence of his main complaint, it is necessary to look for a way to end or move the conversation to a different topic. If the person begins to repeat himself, which is common among complainers, you should calmly and respectfully but firmly interrupt him. Try to redirect his attention to solving the problem. What is he going to do in this situation? Are there people who could help resolve the conflict? If he blames you for something, what could you do together to come up with a solution that is satisfactory to both of you? In short, you need to acknowledge what this person said and then move on.

You are not required, however, to accept the complaint as valid in all cases. If it is justified, of course, agree. If not, then show that you understand what was said and take a neutral position. Emphasize that when the essence of the issue is clear, it is necessary to determine what to do next. You may need to steer the conversation toward solving the problem more than once. If you can interrupt the flow of repeated complaints, you can address the conflict itself by discussing it and think about whether there are realistic options for resolving it. If this person is blaming someone or something unreasonably, you can help him see his mistake. Of course, if you feel that the flow of complaints has become insurmountable vicious circle and the conversation can no longer be directed in a constructive direction, you can give up on it. At least you did your best.

5. Type "silent" ("quiet"). These types of people can be secretive for many reasons, and what's especially frustrating about communicating with them is that you don't know the reasons for their secretiveness. They are usually calm and taciturn, keeping everything to themselves, not to mention their grievances. Sometimes they even take the position of a kind of "martyr", accepting accusations of something he did not do, or showing his mistakes in the most unfavorable light, as if his self-deprecation can smooth over the contradiction or solve the problem.

The key to resolving a conflict with such a person, unless you want to avoid it, is to overcome the "silent" person's withdrawal. You may have some suggestions (for example, this person is upset about something, but does not want to admit it to you), but proceeding from them is not the best option. If you are wrong in your proposal, then this can complicate the situation even more.

In order to get to the bottom of the problem, you should ask this type of opponent several questions in a form that does not allow him to answer only with “yes” or “no”, or simply with a nod of the head. Check by brute force possible reasons, but continually encourage your opponent to talk. Show him your willingness to understand his feelings. Treat the person sympathetically and kindly, no matter what he says. Often such people withdraw into themselves because they do not want to hurt the feelings of others, have learned through bitter experience not to share their feelings with anyone, want to avoid confrontation, feel that their opinions are not taken into account, or because they are simply fearful. Thus, it is especially important to evaluate and support such a person, not to get angry, not to be offended, and, especially, not to blame him for his chosen line of behavior.

It is easy to lose patience with such people because it is so difficult to get an answer from them. But if the subject of the conversation is important to you, follow through. Introverted person It may open up before you like a shell releasing pearls. When is that time will come, support the process of self-disclosure. Show that you are grateful that the person is talking to you, whether you agree with them or not. If he suddenly pauses, do not rush him, give him time to speak out. If you start talking yourself to fill this pause, the person may withdraw again. Maintain the tension of waiting for his words. If there is any progress, encourage and encourage the person to continue the conversation.

At the same time, it is necessary to maintain a sense of proportion. If you see that the person has suddenly become silent and is increasingly resisting your attempts to continue the conversation, do not insist on it. Thank him and, if necessary, try to negotiate new meeting. You may not succeed on the first try, but if you have achieved some kind of openness, then the process of resolving the problem has already begun. In the future, your persistence will help solve the problem as a whole.

6. “Super flexible” type. Such people may seem pleasant in all respects and not difficult to communicate with because they always give in to help and thereby make other people like them. They are ready to say “yes” to you for any reason and promise their support. However, the words of such people often differ from their deeds: they do not keep their promises and do not live up to the expectations placed on them. That's why they create from time to time serious problems: you rely on a person who agrees with you on everything, and then it turns out that he did not keep his word. An employee takes on some work but does not complete it on time; a friend promises something important to you, but last minute finds a reason for refusal.

If you find it necessary to continue communicating with such a person, then the key to solving the problem is to show him that you want truthfulness on his part. Insist that you only want him to do what he is truly capable of doing. Emphasize that you are unhappy with his inconsistency, rather than his agreement or disagreement with you.

You must insist that the person tell you the truth, whether pleasant or not. He should be convinced that your attitude towards him will not be determined by whether he agrees with you or not, but by how truthful he will be with you, and how consistently he will act in the future. Explain to him that your trust in him will depend on his actions, and not on the words with which to justify them.

Each person can have their own classification of difficult people based on their personal qualities and life experiences. For example, a woman who suffered for many years as the daughter of an overbearing, tyrannical mother will classify anyone who displays similar qualities as difficult. Or a man who divorced his wife, who tormented him with her conversations and now hates any talkativeness, can classify a person who is not laconic as a category of people with whom communication is difficult. You have probably met other people whose communication and behavior styles make relationships difficult, and whose behavior makes relationships with them difficult, for example:

“Eternal” pessimists who always foresee failures, since they usually believe that nothing will come of what they are trying to do. Such people always try to say “no” or constantly feel anxious about saying “yes”.

Know-it-alls who consider themselves superior to others because they themselves believe they know everything in the world; at the same time, they want others to know about this “superiority”. They can act like "bulldozers", pushing everyone in their path. They may also act like bubbles, filled with awareness and self-importance.

“Stoppers” or indecisive people are people who are afraid to make this or that decision, not wanting to make a mistake. They push and pull until the decision is made without them or until there is no need to make a decision at all.

"Maximalists" who want something right now, immediately, even if it is not necessary.

“False altruists” who supposedly do good to you, but deep down they regret it. You may feel this under certain circumstances, or it may unexpectedly manifest itself in the form of sabotage, claiming something previously given, or demanding compensation.

There may be more types of difficult people on your own list. However, identification alone is not enough. The key to solving the problem is an open discussion of the reasons for the person’s “difficult” behavior. Individually or together, try to identify the hidden needs and interests that determine such behavior. Once they are identified, it is easier to find a way to satisfy them and thus resolve the conflict. When you encounter a difficult person, you should use an approach that is tailored to the specific behavior. These approaches differ for different types people, but they are all based on the following basic principles.

1. Realize that a person is difficult to communicate with, and determine what type of person he is.

2. Do not fall under the influence of this person, his point of view, his attitude; remain calm and neutral.

If you do not want to avoid communicating with such a person, try to talk with him and find out the reasons for his “difficulty”.

Try to find a way to satisfy his hidden interests and needs.

Use a collaborative approach to resolving conflicts that begin to emerge after the difficult person's behavior has been typified, neutralized, or brought under control.

Ideally, you will be able to overcome the problem of "difficult" behavior and resolve any conflicts smoothly.

Stop expecting your mind to be read. If other people could understand that you didn't want to do more, they would have realized it by now. Wishful thinking does not solve the problem. The ability to communicate well includes the ability to speak and listen. Just be sure to make sure the other person understands how you feel and what you want. A simple conversation can clear up all misunderstandings. It's also possible that the other person doesn't want what you want, and it's even worse (for you) if they don't care. It is very important to know how things really are and to deal with reality, and not with some invented false ideas. You need to know how they see the situation and act accordingly. Even if the other person is not as worried about the problem as you are, you can negotiate to a more comfortable state of affairs than now.

Learn to set effective boundaries. Every time you say yes when you really mean no, you are betraying yourself. You can learn to politely decline requests from people who want you to do something for them. Before you agree, ask yourself if you really want to do what is being asked of you, and how it will make you feel. What's in it for you? Will you feel good about sacrificing yourself, or bitter about knowing you've been used again? Think about what you want, and if you want to have good relationships and avoid conflicts with others, be honest.

Stop expecting rewards for your suffering. Some people believe that the harder the obstacle, the sweeter the reward. They voluntarily agree to endure pain and refuse any reward.

If you feel stuck in this situation, remember the times (especially from childhood) when you were happy without experiencing suffering.
Putting others before yourself should make you feel something. Does it make you feel indispensable, respected or appreciated? Feeling superior? Analyze what you gain every time you act like a martyr.
Stop grasping at your misery. In some situations, suffering may include feelings such as; guilt, feelings of worthlessness, fear of change, fear of conflict, inability to see options or alternatives, stubbornness, or the belief that life must be difficult. These beliefs can then lead to resentment, anger, or depression. Releasing the feeling of suffering is similar to going to the toilet. There is no feeling of guilt, no worthlessness, no fear of release, and certainly no stubbornness in going to the toilet. See the attempt to grasp your suffering in the same way. Liberation is possible and you are worth it.

Evaluate your beliefs. Martyrdom is very closely associated with religious beliefs, in which people suffer and die for their beliefs. What beliefs do you suffer for? Are you trying to live by impossible standards? Do you demand perfection from yourself? Feeling guilty? Do you believe your “inner critic”? A very good question to ask yourself throughout the day is “do I like what I'm doing right now?” “If not, then why am I doing this?” Most of your answers will sound like this: “Because I want to...” or “Because I believe that I should...”.

Take responsibility. No matter what situation you are in now, take responsibility for it as it is. Ask yourself “how am I contributing to this problem?” and “What can I do to improve this situation?” For example, if you notice that someone in the house is not doing their share homework, you cleaned up after them because you couldn't see the mess, and/or you may have expressed your dissatisfaction in a subtle or passive-aggressive manner that was easily ignored. Both of these methods enabled the person to continue to behave in the same manner as before. If their behavior upsets you, it's because you allowed it. Instead, when you want to do their part of the work for them again, ask them to do it that same day. When you ask them to do this, act calmly and do not show irritation or resentment. This will be a perfectly reasonable request, and if you make it reasonably, there is big chance that another person will carry it out. Controlling your emotions will help you avoid conflict and help you achieve what you want.

Don't be afraid to change your behavior. Ask yourself what you can do now to change the situation. Even if it is a small step, it is still a step forward, and the sum of all small steps is already progress, which forms an acceleration for positive improvements. Fear of change is actually fear of the consequences of change. Personal growth is only possible through change. The consequences of change very rarely turn out to be what we imagined them to be. Perhaps you are afraid of “rocking the boat”; many martyrs are ready to bend just so as not to bother others and avoid conflict. Be prepared to disappoint others, you can't make everyone happy all the time. Do not try.

Allow yourself to have something better. Allow yourself to take care of yourself. If you were driving through the desert and you have little fuel left, stop at a gas station, fill up, go to the toilet. Stretch and have a soda with your snack. In short, allow yourself some self-care. I doubt you would drive across the desert until you ran out of gas, then walk for miles in the hot sun, scaring away scorpions and wild animals, to the nearest gas station (assuming you knew where it was), and then they would carry the can of gasoline back to the car. Allow yourself to take care of yourself. Your car can't run on an empty tank, and neither can you. Try to do something every day that heals and fulfills you. Take a bubble bath, exercise, meditate, or write in a journal. Regularly taking time for yourself will recharge your batteries and help you feel less stressed out by everyone else.

Each of us has to face conflict situations. As the American psychologist B. Wool figuratively noted, “life is a process of resolving an infinite number of conflicts. A person cannot avoid them. He can only decide whether to participate in the development of solutions or leave it to others.” Therefore, every person, especially in business communication, must have at least elementary representations about conflicts and how to behave when they arise. Unfortunately, most people are characterized by the inability to find a decent way out of them. In addition, as soon as a conflict arises, and it is always associated with emotions, we begin to experience discomfort and tension, which can even lead to stressful situations, thereby damaging our health. For example, frequent family quarrels, such as special case conflicts cause stress among their participants. Stress is necessarily followed by depression and, trying to find a way out, i.e. to escape the conflict, usually one of the family members, as a rule, resorts to alcohol, drugs or having an affair on the side. Thus, the body tries to protect itself from the approaching disease, which will certainly occur if the conflict cannot be resolved. Inability to resolve conflicts is one of the important reasons frequent divorces.

Memories of conflicts usually evoke unpleasant associations: threats, hostility, misunderstanding, attempts, sometimes hopeless, to prove that one is right, resentment... As a result, the opinion has developed that conflict is always a negative phenomenon, undesirable for each of us. Conflicts are seen as something that should be avoided if possible.

The modern approach to the essence of conflict considers it as an inevitable, and even in some cases, a necessary element of the organization’s activities.

Nowadays, management theorists and practitioners are increasingly inclined to the point of view that some conflicts, even in the most effective organization with the best relationships, they are not only possible, but also desirable, despite the fact that it is nevertheless necessary to regulate them. The role of conflicts and their regulation in modern society is so great that in the second half of the twentieth century a special field of knowledge emerged - conflictology. Sociology, philosophy, political science and, of course, psychology made a great contribution to its development.

Conflict is always an interaction between people. Depending on the scale of this interaction, psychological, sociological, political science and geological levels of consideration of conflicts are distinguished.

Concept of conflict

Like many concepts in psychology, conflict has many definitions and interpretations. The very concept of conflict originates from Latin word"conflictus" - collision. And following the etymological meaning of this term, the English sociologist E. Giddens gives the following definition of conflict: “By conflict I mean a real struggle between active people or groups, regardless of the origins of this struggle and the means mobilized by each side."

There are four main types of conflicts: intrapersonal conflict, interpersonal conflict, conflict between the individual and the group and intergroup conflict.

All conflicts have several causes. The main causes of conflict are limited resources to be shared, interdependence of tasks, differences in goals, differences in ideas and values, differences in behavior, level of education, and poor communication.

Five Basic Types of Conflict Personalities

This may seem strange, but here it is appropriate to give one important piece of advice - be sympathetic to people whose typical characteristics are described below. Conflict, which has become a personality trait, is difficult to overcome through rational self-control and willpower. “Educational” influences on the part of the manager are also rarely beneficial here. Conflict is not the fault, but the misfortune of such individuals. Real help They can be provided by a specialist - a practical psychologist.

Note: we're talking about not about troublemakers with low morals, but about people who have specific psychological characteristics, determined by the basic properties of individuality.

The conflict personality is a demonstrative type.

Wants to be the center of attention.
Likes to look good in the eyes of others.
His attitude towards people is determined by how they treat him.
He finds it easy to deal with superficial conflicts and admires his suffering and resilience.
Adapts well to different situations.
Rational behavior is poorly expressed. There is emotional behavior.
Planning of one’s activities is carried out situationally and poorly implements it.
Avoids painstaking systematic work.
Does not shy away from conflicts, feels good in situations of conflict interaction.
Often turns out to be a source of conflict, but does not consider himself as such.

A conflict personality is a rigid type.

Suspicious.
Has high self-esteem.
Confirmation of your own importance is constantly required.
Often does not take into account changes in situation and circumstances.
Straightforward and inflexible.
With great difficulty he accepts the point of view of others and does not really take their opinions into account.
Expressions of respect from others are taken for granted.
An expression of hostility on the part of others is perceived by him as an insult.
Uncritical of his actions.

Painfully touchy, hypersensitive to imaginary or real injustices.

Conflict personality - uncontrollable type

Impulsive, lacks self-control.
The behavior of such a number is difficult to predict.
Behaves defiantly and aggressively.
Often in the heat of the moment does not pay attention to generally accepted norms.
Characteristic high level claims.
Not self-critical.
He tends to blame others for many failures and troubles.
Cannot properly plan his activities or consistently implement plans.
The ability to correlate one’s actions with goals and circumstances is not sufficiently developed.
From past experiences (even bitter ones) little benefit is derived for the future.

Conflict personality - ultra-precise type

He is meticulous about his work.
Places higher demands on himself.
He makes high demands on those around him, and does it in such a way that the people he works with feel like they are picking on him.
Has increased anxiety.
Overly sensitive to details.
Tends to attach undue importance to the comments of others.
Sometimes he suddenly breaks off relations with friends and acquaintances because it seems to him that he was offended.
He suffers from himself, experiences his own mistakes and failures, sometimes even paying for them with illnesses (insomnia, headaches, etc.).
Restrained in external, especially emotional manifestations.
Doesn't feel very good about real relationships in the group.

Conflict personality - conflict-free type

Unstable in assessments and opinions.
Has easy suggestibility.
Internally contradictory.
There is some inconsistency in behavior.
Focuses on immediate success in situations.
Doesn't see the future well enough.
Depends on the opinions of others, especially leaders.
Excessively strives for compromise.
Doesn't have enough willpower.
Does not think deeply about the consequences of his actions and the reasons for the actions of others.
A manager has to resolve conflicts not only in the business sphere, but also in the personal and emotional sphere. When resolving them, other methods are used, since in them, as a rule, it is difficult to identify the object of disagreement and there is no conflict of interests.

How to deal with a conflicted person?

1. It must be borne in mind that such people have some hidden needs, which, as a rule, are associated with past losses and disappointments, and they satisfy them in this way. For example, a hyper-aggressive person tries to suppress cowardice and timidity with his aggressiveness. 2. You should take control of your emotions and give vent to the emotions of this person if you intend to continue communicating with him.
3. Don’t take words and behavior personally. this person, knowing that in order to satisfy his interests, a difficult person behaves this way with everyone.
4. When choosing an appropriate style of action in a conflict situation, you should consider what type of person he is. In his book Dealing with Difficult People, Robert Bramson identifies the following types of difficult people with whom he has worked in various firms:

aggressor- speaks rudely and unceremoniously, taunts others and gets irritated if they don’t listen to him. As a rule, behind his aggressiveness lies the fear of revealing his incompetence;

complainant- a person who is seized by some idea and accuses others (someone in particular or the whole world as a whole) of all sins, but does nothing himself to solve the problem; "angry child"- a person belonging to this type is not angry by nature, but an explosion of emotions reflects his desire to take control of the situation. For example, a boss may lose his temper when he feels that his subordinate has lost respect for him;

maximalist- a person who wants something without delay, even if it is not necessary;

silent- keeps everything to himself, doesn’t talk about his grievances, and then suddenly takes it out on someone;

"secret avenger"- a person who causes trouble with the help of some kind of fraud, believing that someone did something wrong, and he restores justice;

"false altruist"- supposedly doing good to you, but deep down regretting it, which can manifest itself in the form of sabotage, demands for compensation, etc.;

"chronic accuser"- always looking for the mistakes of others, believing that he is always right, and blaming can solve the problem.

There are other types of difficult people, but the rules for dealing with them are generally the same.

5. If you consider it necessary to continue communication with difficult person, you must insist that the person tell the truth, no matter what. You must convince him that your attitude towards him will be determined by how truthful he is with you and how consistently he will act in the future, and not by the fact that he will agree with you on everything. Thus, in a conflict situation or when communicating with a difficult person, you should try to see in him not only a friend, but also best qualities. Since you will no longer be able to change either the system of his views and values, or the psychological characteristics of his nervous system, you need to select a “key” for it, based on your life experience and the desire not to complicate the situation and not bring the person to stress. If they couldn’t “find the key” to him, then there is only one way left - to transfer such a person to the category of a natural disaster.

It is useful for a manager to know what individual characteristics personality (character traits) create in a person a tendency or predisposition to conflict relationships with other people. Summarizing the research of psychologists, we can say that such qualities include:
" inadequate self-esteem of their capabilities and abilities, which can be either overestimated or underestimated. In both cases, it may contradict the adequate assessment of others - and the ground is ready for conflict;
"the desire to dominate, at all costs, where it is possible and impossible; to say your last word;
"conservatism of thinking, views, beliefs, unwillingness to overcome outdated traditions;
“excessive adherence to principles and straightforwardness in statements and judgments, the desire to tell the truth in the eyes at any cost;
"a critical attitude, especially unfounded and unreasoned;
“a certain set of emotional personality traits - anxiety, aggressiveness, stubbornness, irritability.

But a conflict arises if personal characteristics a person or group comes into conflict with the above-mentioned characteristics of a person predisposed to conflicts, that is, in the presence of interpersonal or socio-psychological incompatibility.

As an example, consider incompatible types of temperament under certain conditions. In normal calm atmosphere choleric and phlegmatic people successfully cope with the work assigned to them. In an emergency situation, the slowness of a phlegmatic person, the desire to think about the course of activity and the hot temper, imbalance and fussiness of a choleric person can cause conflict relations between them.

Even more often, differences in needs, interests, and goals become the basis for interpersonal incompatibility. different people, entering into interaction. The main interest, for example, of the head of an established company or enterprise is to expand the business, and for employees - as much money as possible has been allocated for salaries. This creates friction between them, which can lead to conflict even between close people.

Socio-psychological incompatibility can also arise due to the fact that the group or environment makes demands on the individual that diverge from those to which this person is oriented.