Passive aggressive behavior how to deal with. Passive aggressor - recognize and counteract

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Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club, you can easily hear: “You see, I was unlucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor ...” This expression is often used without having an accurate idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is hidden behind it. The term itself was coined during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refuse to obey orders: without openly rebelling against them, they play for time, grumble, act inefficiently, that is, engage in passive sabotage.

Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook mental disorders compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then they were removed from it in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed to the compilers not clear enough.

In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, passive-aggressive disorders has increased

Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually penetrated into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. "In Freud's time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsessions, - elaborates psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix (Marie-José Lacroix). “In this age of narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in addictions, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”

Resistance in disguise

It cannot be said that passive aggressive behavior characteristic of one type of personality. We all tend to behave this way at some point in our lives, point out psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord 1 . For example, in adolescence or in adverse circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we do not agree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to protect ourselves and survive.

But there are those among us for whom disguised disobedience becomes the only way communicate.“It is difficult for them to confront openly, since open aggression, self-defense, does not fit into the image of the “right” person, as they think of themselves,” says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. – Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - in love, social life, at work, with friends… It makes communication with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity in the face of life's difficulties greatly complicates the relationship,” confirms Marie-Jose Lacroix. Added to the inertia is the repressed anger that others feel and which eventually becomes unbearable.

We all tend to be passive-aggressive at some point in our lives.

“When Maria came to work, we were delighted. She seemed soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her duties included scheduling meetings, distributing mail, making appointments. Everything went well at first. In a face-to-face conversation, Maria answered "yes" to all instructions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back on her, she rolled her eyes eloquently. When they asked her for anything, she acted deliberately slowly, complained for any reason, scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and reassure her - in vain. Eventually she was fired.

She went to court, tried to impersonate the victim asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her departure was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we are all scoundrels. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was "corrupted" bad people"and that no one ever protects her from the injustices of which she is the victim all the time." Lyudmila, an accountant at an event management company, feels vaguely guilty as she tells this story, but she concludes: “While it’s terrible to say that, I was relieved when Maria left. I had the impression when communicating with her that I can say and do anything, but it won’t change anything.”

Is it possible to defend?

Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how not to become a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.

At work

What to do: A passive-aggressive boss can only be tolerated if you don't need any encouragement at all. If the goals are not clear enough and if no matter what you do, you are always unhappy with it, then the best solution is to leave: at least a minimum of recognition is necessary for everyone. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not let him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don't let yourself be drawn into the triangle. Don't try to save him or attack him when he complains. Don't act like a victim because he's always angry and never speaks up. positive ratings. It won't help you and you run the risk of falling into a vicious circle.

In private life

What to do: Calm him down. passive aggressor suffering from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel that he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in gloomy thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Don't let someone who thinks they have the right to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others make you a victim. Don't pretend not to notice: his anger will be multiplied tenfold. Do not scold him, as a parent would do - this is what serves as a "trigger" for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.

Chronic dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive personalities are always unhappy, because they can't define their desires. “Lack of adequate protection makes it difficult for them to understand their true needs- explains Grigory Gorshunin. - Their chronic sabotage of work, and often of their own lives, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle “revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot.”

Passive aggression can be seen as a kind of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical tinge. Then it is replaced by violent sadistic acting out (“you yourself are all bad”) or bodily reactions, going into illness.”

When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty

Don't get personal when dealing with passive-aggressive people. and try to make them feel guilty, because they will turn any words against the "offender". Anyone who is nearby will have to avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-persecutor-rescue triangle described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. - If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other in most cases begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter into a game where there are no winners.”

Martyrdom and torment

Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other.”

At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, harassing others, complaining, turning unspoken reproaches to them. They can take pleasure in the suffering they inflict. Their seeming passivity and inertia, complete self-centeredness hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrolled way. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely ordinary to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction that is being sown around.

They are deprived of a "mental container" that would help them regulate their behavior.

“Passive aggression often becomes result of upbringing, when a child is taught to depend on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “Some form of masochism could have arisen when a child failed to show his needs, to show independence, to discover who he (or she) is, because he was opposed by a suppressive perfectionist parent ...”

Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a "mental container". It is built with early childhood with the words of a mother. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, the mother speaks to him and soothes him. She helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child a kind of shell that protects him from external environment, potentially aggressive and alarming.

Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some don't. They have this shell as if broken through, ”continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they silently scream: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unquenched because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.

1 In the book How to Communicate with difficult people» (Generation, 2007).

Character. Meanwhile, he has a number hallmarks. Consider further how passive aggression manifests itself.

General information

Passive-aggressive personality type is distinguished by a pronounced resistance to external requirements. As a rule, this is evidenced by obstructive and oppositional actions. Passive-aggressive type of behavior is expressed in procrastination, poor quality of work, "forgetting" obligations. Often do not meet generally accepted standards. Moreover, the passive-aggressive personality resists the need to follow norms. Of course, these characteristics can be observed in other people. But at passive aggression they become a model of behavior, a pattern. Despite the fact that this form of interaction is considered not the best, it is not too dysfunctional, but until such time as it becomes a life scheme that impedes the achievement of goals.

Passive-aggressive person: features

People in this category try not to be assertive. They believe that direct confrontation is dangerous. A personality test can reveal characteristics behavior. In particular, people in this category consider confrontation as one of the ways outsiders interfere in their affairs and control them. When addressing such a person with a request that he does not want to fulfill, a combination of indignation at existing external requirements and lack of self-confidence provokes a reaction in a provocative manner. Passive-aggressive communication does not create the possibility of rejection. Obligations at school or at work, people in this category are also outraged. In general, those who are endowed with power, they see as prone to injustice and arbitrariness. Accordingly, as a rule, they blame others for their problems. Such people cannot understand that they create difficulties by their own behavior. Researchers note that among other things, a passive-aggressive person is easily amenable to mood swings and tends to perceive what is happening pessimistically. Such people focus on everything negative.

Personality Test

The total pattern of resistance to standards in professional and social spheres occurs in early adulthood. It is expressed in different contexts. There are a number of signs of passive aggression. Human:

History reference

Passive-aggressive behavior has been described for a long time. However, before World War II, this concept was not used. In 1945, the War Department described an "immature response" as a response to "conventional military stressful situation". It manifested itself in inadequacy or helplessness, passivity, outbursts of aggression, obstructionism. In 1949, in the technical bulletin of the US Armed Forces, this term was used to describe soldiers who showed this pattern.

Classification

The DSM-I divided response into three categories: passive-aggressive, passive-dependent, and aggressive. The second was characterized by helplessness, a tendency to hold on to others, indecision. The first and third categories differed in people's reaction to frustration (the inability to satisfy any need). The aggressive type, in a number of aspects having signs of antisocial, shows irritation. His behavior is destructive. A passive-aggressive person makes a disgruntled face, becomes stubborn, begins to slow down work, reduce its effectiveness. In DSM-II, such behavior is classified as a separate category. At the same time, aggressive and passive-dependent types are included in the group of "other disorders".

Clinical and experimental data

Despite the fact that the passive-aggressive style of behavior remains poorly understood today, at least two works outline its key characteristics. Thus, Kening, Trossman and Whitman examined 400 patients. They found that the most common diagnosis was passive-aggressive. At the same time, 23% showed signs of a dependent category. 19% of patients fully corresponded to the passive-aggressive type. In addition, the researchers found that PARL occurs in women twice as often as in men. The traditional symptomatic picture included anxiety and depression (41% and 25%, respectively). The passive-aggressive and dependent types open indignation was suppressed by fear of punishment or guilt. Research has also been done by Moore, Alig and Smoly. They studied 100 patients diagnosed with passive-aggressive disorder 7 and 15 years later during inpatient treatment. Scientists have found that problems in social behavior and interpersonal relationships together with somatic and emotional complaints were the main symptoms. The researchers also found that a significant proportion of patients suffer from depression and alcohol abuse.

automatic thoughts

The conclusions that a person with PD makes reflects his negativism, isolation and the desire to choose the path of least resistance. For example, any requests are considered as a manifestation of exactingness and importunity. The reaction of a person is that he automatically resists instead of analyzing his desire. The patient is characterized by the belief that others are trying to use him, and if he allows it, he will become a nonentity. This form of negativism extends to all thinking. The patient is looking for a negative interpretation of most of the events. This applies even to positive and neutral phenomena. This manifestation distinguishes a passive-aggressive person from a depressed patient. AT last case people focus on self-judgment or negative thoughts about the future, the environment. The passive-aggressive individual believes that others are trying to control them without appreciating them. If a person receives a negative reaction in response, then he assumes that he was again misunderstood. Automatic thoughts testify to the irritation that appears in patients. They insist quite often that everything must go according to a certain pattern. Such unreasonable demands contribute to a decrease in resistance to frustration.

Typical installations

The behavior of patients with PD expresses their cognitive patterns. Procrastination, poor quality of work are due to indignation at the need to fulfill duties. A person is set up to do what he does not want to do. The procrastination attitude is to follow the path of least resistance. For example, a person begins to believe that the matter can be postponed until later. Faced with the adverse consequences of not fulfilling his duties, he expresses dissatisfaction with those around him who have power. It may manifest itself in an outburst of anger, but most likely passive methods of revenge will be used. For example, sabotage. In psychotherapy, behavior may be accompanied by a refusal to cooperate in treatment.

Emotions

For patients with PARL ordinary states will be an annoyance and understandable because people feel they are being asked to meet arbitrary standards, underestimated or misunderstood. Patients often fail to achieve their goals in professional field, as well as in personal life. They are unable to understand how their behavior and existing attitudes affect the difficulties they have. This leads to further annoyance and dissatisfaction, as they again believe that circumstances are to blame. Patients' emotions more due to their vulnerability to outside control and interpreting requests as a desire to limit their freedom. When interacting with others, they constantly expect demands and, accordingly, resist.

Prerequisites for therapy

The main reason for patients seeking help is the complaints of others that these people do not live up to expectations. As a rule, co-workers or spouses turn to psychotherapists. Complaints of the latter are connected with the unwillingness of patients to provide assistance in household chores. Psychotherapists are often approached by bosses who are dissatisfied with the quality of the work performed by their subordinates. Another reason for visiting a doctor is depression. The development of this condition is caused by a chronic lack of encouragement both in the professional sphere and in personal life. For example, following the path of least resistance, constant dissatisfaction with demands, can cause a person to believe that he is not succeeding.

Considering the environment as a source of control also leads to the formation negative attitude to the world as a whole. If circumstances arise in which patients of the passive-aggressive type, striving for independence and appreciating freedom own actions begin to believe that others are interfering in their affairs, they may develop a severe form of depression.

Surely, no one will argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people subtly manipulate us, while, from the outside, communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.

A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously "drinks" your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, it is very difficult to understand this, because such people are seemingly polite, do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that a person is simply a "vampire".
Learning to detect signs of passive aggression is necessary for every person, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.

Features of passive aggression: how to identify

passive aggressor- is a person main feature whose behavior lies in the fact that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish anger. Unable and unwilling to express their negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to splash out his emotions on other people, while carefully disguising the true motives.

You will never hear explicit criticism or dissatisfaction from a passive aggressor, however, relations with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. How to recognize this type of personality, and learn how to resist it, you can learn from the information provided in this article.

Sabotage is the essence of the passive aggressor

The standard case is that the management gives the task to the subordinate, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work he doesn't like it. A person will pull to the last, wriggle, avoid solving the task, in the hope that everything will “dissolve” by itself, that the task will be transferred to another employee.

To do this, a passive aggressor pretends that he does not have time, does not cope, in general, that he does not succeed, although in reality this is not so - he just does not want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.

Anger is the hidden emotion of the passive aggressor.

Often, passive aggression strikes people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. Eternally swearing parents, who periodically rush at each other with their fists, cause a protest in the child, which during adulthood results in a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.

But, as we understand, aggression does not go anywhere, it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant discontent and critical evaluations. Carefully hiding his real feelings, a passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.

The people about whom in question in this article, avoid direct confrontation and will never say directly what causes their displeasure. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It may sound something like this: “Of course, do as you know, why do you need to think about how I feel about it. Who cares about my condition?

Provocation is the passive aggressor's favorite pastime

Passive aggression is a condition in which the aggressor always tries to keep a "face". He will never show his obvious anger, he will restrain his feelings and emotions to the end.

Silence is their favorite game. Shifting responsibility for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor, always understands what he is “doing”. His goal is to enrage you, thereby making himself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear the banal phrases “I told you that you don’t care” - this pure water a provocation that should not be succumbed to. You will scream furiously, and the passive aggressor will nod his head and say that he knew from the very beginning what kind of person you are.

Denunciation and passive aggressor: words are synonyms

The passive aggressor is filled with a whole heap of unexpressed negative emotions. It can be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings that have no way out. As a result, a person cannot stand it, and it becomes extremely necessary for him to “drain” all his negativity, to get rid of the accumulated burden.

For this, tricks such as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in the "eyes" that you are wrong or offended by you, you will learn about this from mutual friends or management. You ask, what is the point in all these actions? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.

If you manage to recognize the aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, his covert actions can even seriously harm your career.

Passive aggression is the exact antonym of responsibility

In any life circumstances the passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will blame his parents for not giving him anything, his loved one for depriving him of opportunities. You, and only you, will be to blame for all his domestic mistakes and work failures.

For everyone, the passive aggressor lays down his own version of reality, according to which he is good and unlucky person and everyone else is a tyrant. Infantile behavior worsens with age, a person begins to believe in his decency and "exclusivity". Being next to a passive aggressor, and proving the opposite to him, you are simply wasting time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.

How to deal with a passive aggressor

Psychologists say that most people who are prone to passive aggression are not even aware of their own “ailment”. The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child is trying with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.

To stop the passive aggressor, you need to take the following steps:

Fight tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, while speaking respectfully, without insults.

Dialog. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth speaking with him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and strained by his avoidance of the conflict and the hushing up of the problem.

Logical chain. If the passive aggressor is your spouse, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is not in a good mood. You should not arrange a boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe you went too far at some point.

If it so happened in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one thing. Golden Rule- You are not to blame for anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his demeanor is the norm, and he will always find the guilty, not you, but someone else.

What you need to know to keep yourself safe

Passive aggression is something that needs to be resisted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end if you are sure that you are right. The passive aggressor will stop at nothing, and will go to the end to express his secret desires. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for what you did not do.

No need to make reciprocal attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, moreover, only on your part. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unfortunate "sheep", complaining to everyone about how he is not understood and offended.

In especially severe cases, when a passive aggressor puts pressure on you, you should not endure it, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss to your mental health.

In order not to lose faith in your own strengths, remember that everything a passive aggressor says is not about you, it's just that he is so comfortable and needs it. Take care of yourself and your personal space by preventing toxic people from entering your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental condition- This is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
More interesting things about emotional and mental health read on estet-portal.com.

"Yes" and "no" do not say, do not take black and white ... "
children's counting.

"Whoa, no, no." This saying epitomizes the process that psychologists call "passive aggression."

A combination of two contradictory processes. Passivity for us personifies an extreme form of inaction, and aggression is nothing but the embodiment of an active principle.

Thus, we are dealing with two oppositely directed processes that manage to get along together.

A friend of mine told the story of how she found herself alone with a young man in a compartment of a night train and struggled all night with his harassment. Can you imagine? All night "no whoa, no well." This is how it was necessary to refuse, so that the other continued not to hear and not understand? After all, it was not about an insane rapist, but an ordinary man who showed his desire and was persistent in this.

Another example occurs in my teaching work. A capable and intelligent listener cannot begin the practice in any way. She has everything for this. And it's not about self-doubt, it's just a superficial excuse.

On the practical exercises she demonstrates good skills and knowledge, asks the right questions and accurately marks deep processes. She has already filed a patent and even rented an office for work. But he doesn't give advice.

To define passive aggression, I want to immediately indicate the fact that it can be both habitual psychological protection in a person, and resistant personal characteristic, important part personality that defines his character and life. Therefore, you can meet the features of the described process both in yourself and in many people at different moments of life.

What are the main characteristics of a passive-aggressive personality?

Before us is a rebel, a professional revolutionary, a partisan who does not give up. He is always against. Even when it doesn't work for him. The proverb "to spite my mother, I will freeze my ears" is about them.

When entering a room (in a process, in a relationship, etc.), he is the first to notice the flaws. He immediately sees that this is not the case and will not remain silent. He will say in a sharp, ironic, caustic manner. Will hook you up. True, he will do this not directly, not personally, but in indefinite form to a third party. For example: "Well, of course, it never occurred to anyone to ventilate the room before classes."

His ability to see inconsistencies might delight you if all this was presented in an ethical manner. But the task of a passive-aggressive personality is not to correct the shortcomings. She doesn't care about the outcome. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle. Not an open battle to win. Namely, the struggle, better hidden, but stubborn and endless.

He will fight everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then with yourself inside. The price is not important. As I said, the process is important, but not the result.

These are people of the process, fighters of invisible fronts with invisible enemies.

In contact with them, you may wonder how simple things turn into irresistible. How easy step becomes impossible, and a simple action turns into an endless intricate process. You are surprised and outraged that the task was not completed, although there were no obstacles.

Why instead of simple solution and actions, the person continues to ask clarifying questions that lead away from the meaning. Why, having agreed yesterday, nothing happened today.

Next to him, you will inevitably begin to feel anger. You seem to be provoked and teased. And when you break down, you are immediately pointed to bad character or lack of proper education.

Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. It is there, but it is looking for indirect exits. Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. Everything to give vent to anger is used. The main thing is to do it indirectly.

So, let's emphasize the first significant component. There is anger, and a lot of it. This means that the person has energy. There is plenty of it and enough for everything he needs. Therefore, when our character asks for support and asks for advice, help, support, be careful! Whatever you give him, it won't work.

Favorite psychological game (Eric Berne, theory psychological games, Transactional Analysis) is called "Yes, but ..." It looks like this: you were asked for advice, you gave, and an objection immediately follows. Yes, the asker says, but I have already tried it, done it, etc. AND NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED.

If you continue to give other advice and recommendations, then prepare for the fact that they will meet the same fate. Until a brilliant idea comes to your mind, the interlocutor does not need a result. Then what does he need? Here it is time to reveal the second component - passivity.

Passivity in the behavior of a passive-aggressive personality is rather not inaction, but resistance, which is expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that a person simply does not do anything for the sake of a goal. But in fact, there is a struggle going on inside him.

He wants a result (well, who doesn't?) and resists it. And all his energy, and we remember that there is a lot of it, goes to resist this action. Why, you ask, and you will be right? It's strange, to say the least.

To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person, at the time when this part of the personality is being formed. We are in the age of active action from the moment we acquire our strength. But we can understand our strength and master it only through contact with another.

Example from practice:

Maxim grew up as an obedient boy. His mother was an extremely anxious woman, full of fears associated with her son. These fears made her active in her relationship with him. She knew what a good mother's child should be like, and that's why she didn't listen to Maxim much. Well, perhaps a little boy know what he needs? And mom always knows.

Therefore, her attitude towards the child resembled more violence than care. Starting from feeding, ending with the choice of friends. Swallowing the hated porridge, and then playing the hated scales in the hated music school, Maxim began to look for ways against which his mother was powerless.

For example, he could clench his teeth or pull out. He could just sit silently over the violin without touching the strings. At these moments, my mother exploded and yelled, but Maxim clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher almost sobbed from impotence and anger, and he just stood silent at the blackboard.

And in his childish mind he deduced the formula: "Strength is not in action, but in resistance." Since he was not allowed to realize and feel his own power in what he wanted to do, then the only opportunity to enjoy own strength he was guaranteed to receive when he opposed something. Sometimes later, in adulthood, he caught himself thinking that he was not opposed to what he opposed, but he could no longer do anything.

In childhood, the passive-aggressive personality has a dramatic experience of such "soft" and sometimes quite hard abuse in the form of care and control from parents. And they decided to take revenge. Revenge by preventing the parent from seeing the result. Therefore, the best thing you can do is not reach the goal and not get the result.

To hurt the parent so that he, in secret hope, understands how bad the child is. To ask what you want, instead of forcibly stuffing what seems right to the parent. Is not aerobatics Revenge parents - this not become happy? After all, one of important results parenthood is happy child. And depriving a parent of this reward becomes the very unconscious goal that a passive-aggressive personality strives for.

And the price is not important here. After all, it is about inner child, to which he himself is not important yet. The parent is above all, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, it is not a pity to freeze your ears.

Thus, two birds with one stone become a trophy in this battle: the ability to feel one's strength (through resistance) and revenge on the parent (through failure to obtain a result).

Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And a person can be sincerely surprised at the lack of results of his actions until he sees that he is his own main enemy. That subconsciously he builds the process of actions in such a way that the result is impossible. He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, does not notice important details, does not hear recommendations.

Such people are often late, miss decisive matches and quarrel with the right people. And they always find excuses and explanations for their behavior. They even sound convincing. Most often, he sees the cause not in himself, but in other people, in circumstances.

Their problem is to express their needs directly, using the power of anger. But they are afraid to show anger, because in childhood it was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, anger, and with it strength and energy, are blocked and turned 180, that is, against oneself.

Life becomes a continuous overcoming of difficulties. Like in the famous video in which the client complains about headaches and problems, while she does not see a huge nail in her head.

Another important trait of a passive-aggressive personality is being stuck in an either-or trap. "Either you eat this porridge, or you are not my son," my mother said. The parent left the child no choice. Either you do as I say, or you lose my love. This trap gets stuck in the way of thinking, which makes the selection process extremely difficult.

From such personalities are obtained good critics and detectives, investigative journalists and satirists. Their sharp eyes will not miss anything.

They are often good and faithful friends, With subtle feeling humor and willingness to help. By the way, humor is also theirs distinguishing feature. They are extremely ironic. The thing is that anger and humor have one similar function: they relieve tension. And since anger is blocked in the passive-aggressive personality, a lot of energy can come out through humor. Here they are polishing it.

AT in social networks the passive-aggressive personality is easy to spot. Their scope is comments. The fact is that they rarely take the initiative. They are already inclined to jump in and ride on a "foreign horse", to become noticeable at the expense of another. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. They provoke the audience and, in the end, disappear, confirming that the world and people are imperfect.

As clients, the passive-aggressive personality is a test for the consultant. The game "Yes, but" will bring anyone to hysterics. That's why, main principle in work, it is to give the initiative in setting the goal to the client.

Until you get an answer to the question "What would you like?", do not offer anything. The transference therapist will become the very parent to be avenged. And it will be extremely difficult to wait for changes and advancement in the life of a client.

The fact that a passive-aggressive person is often very capable and talented gives hope for a quick result. In the event that a person abandons the idea of revenge and begins to master his power through a direct expression of anger. Learn to say "no" directly, instead of going into ambush and building catacombs for guerrilla operations.

Instead of "either-or" will begin to use the pronoun "and". Both, instead of either-or.

I hope that this information will help you to better understand people and yourself, which means it will provide an opportunity to improve the quality of life.

It's often difficult to spot passive-aggressive behavior in others because we don't want to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.

What does the term "passive-aggressive" behavior actually mean? And why is it so hard to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they are afraid of conflict, and their anger shifts into other, more passive forms.

10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Relationships for the Better

For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, and they all turn pink.

Or Jeff gets mad at his boss, but instead of openly confronting him, he "forgets" to mail the bills, and as a result, the boss gets a late fee.

Because we are often unaware that we are acting passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop this behavior.– even when it does not lead to the desired results.

We behave passive-aggressively when we express anger or hostility not directly, but indirectly.

Passive-aggressive behavior forms a vicious circle:

Anger seethes under the surface, keeping the problems that caused it unresolved, which forces us to express our negative feelings less and less open.

When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or throw a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.

One of the most insidious consequences of this behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is a victim of the passive-aggressive dynamic in the relationship.

2. Form clear agreements with your partner.

Concrete agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of him.

3. Notice your own anger.

Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry, yell and yell back, so that they can “flip the needle” to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid the expression own anger and annoyance because they don't want to fan the conflict.

Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.

4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Stick to the facts and express your opinion clearly. Let your partner be clear about the consequences of their behavior.

5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.

If you are asking someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.

Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the result is not as expected.

6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.

This will keep you from the temptation to take charge just because you can't wait any longer, thus engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.

7. Take responsibility for what is within your control and reject the rest.

Take responsibility for the mistakes that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. Apologizing is only worth something if you don't keep doing the exact same thing.

Resist pressure to take responsibility for everything– thus you are responsible for correcting it.

8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.

Be clear about the things that matter to you, and clarify them so that your partner understands it.

9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on becoming aware of your own anger and expressing it directly.

Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.

10. Agree that both of you are responsible for common activities, household chores, conversations, and sex in the relationship.

Take the time to discuss these arrangements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often an unconscious choice.
People who react in this way are usually unaware of their resentment and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I didn't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. It's my character trait."
They are unaware of the impact their behavior has on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published .

By Lori Beth Bisbey